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1
00:00:33,515 --> 00:00:35,143
Boo!
2
00:00:37,152 --> 00:00:39,451
He's not
getting down on the ball.
3
00:00:39,488 --> 00:00:41,866
The Sparks appear to still
struggle here in the early...
4
00:00:41,890 --> 00:00:43,791
Oh, my God.
5
00:00:50,065 --> 00:00:51,795
The old cockers in the stands...
6
00:00:51,833 --> 00:00:54,392
are better than
the young cockers on the field.
7
00:00:54,435 --> 00:00:55,733
Who's the man?
8
00:00:55,770 --> 00:00:57,170
Enough already!
Come on!
9
00:01:01,876 --> 00:01:03,674
He just missed someone
in the crowd.
10
00:01:03,711 --> 00:01:06,647
What crowd?
We could all go home in one car.
11
00:01:06,680 --> 00:01:08,706
Maybe he should lay down a bunt.
12
00:01:08,749 --> 00:01:11,184
This guy couldn't
lay down a carpet.
13
00:01:13,454 --> 00:01:15,821
Come on!
Throw that ball!
14
00:01:15,856 --> 00:01:17,016
Strike!
15
00:01:17,056 --> 00:01:18,649
Now he's over-swinging.
16
00:01:18,691 --> 00:01:22,753
Don't complain.
He's cooling off the place.
17
00:01:25,365 --> 00:01:27,163
Strike!
You're out of there!
18
00:01:27,200 --> 00:01:29,795
Remember Clemente
from the Pittsburgh Pirates?
19
00:01:29,836 --> 00:01:33,705
I envied you, covering
the Yankees and the Mets.
20
00:01:33,740 --> 00:01:35,265
Bet you miss New York.
21
00:01:35,308 --> 00:01:36,799
Well, what was I gonna do?
22
00:01:36,843 --> 00:01:39,108
They sold the paper
to an Australian.
23
00:01:39,145 --> 00:01:41,443
Lucky for me they didn't
sell it to the Japanese.
24
00:01:41,480 --> 00:01:44,644
It would take me a year
to read the batting averages.
25
00:01:44,683 --> 00:01:47,243
- Oh, Oscar!
- Hiya, Peaches.
26
00:01:47,286 --> 00:01:50,450
I'm having
a dinner party Friday night.
27
00:01:50,489 --> 00:01:52,219
We're short one man.
28
00:01:52,257 --> 00:01:54,749
How about Abe here?
He's a short man.
29
00:01:54,793 --> 00:01:58,855
You can run, Oscar,
but you can't hide. See ya.
30
00:01:58,897 --> 00:02:01,992
That's such
an original expression.
31
00:02:02,034 --> 00:02:05,094
I hate a woman
who talks like Muhammad Ali.
32
00:02:05,136 --> 00:02:06,934
Hey, Conchita!
33
00:02:06,971 --> 00:02:09,566
Tough loss today, Oscar?
34
00:02:09,607 --> 00:02:11,132
I'm suicidal, honey.
35
00:02:11,175 --> 00:02:15,579
If I call 911 tonight,
any chance of mouth-to-mouth?
36
00:02:15,613 --> 00:02:17,206
¡Ay, tú eres un viejo bieu loco!
37
00:02:17,248 --> 00:02:19,547
Yeah, besa loco.
38
00:02:19,584 --> 00:02:21,849
Don't you look
at a good ass anymore?
39
00:02:21,886 --> 00:02:24,856
I can't look at pastrami.
Why should I look at an ass?
40
00:02:24,889 --> 00:02:27,551
You coming
to the game tonight, Abe?
41
00:02:27,591 --> 00:02:30,288
I'll be a little late.
I have to pay my respects.
42
00:02:30,327 --> 00:02:32,296
A friend in my building died.
43
00:02:32,329 --> 00:02:35,299
Sorry to hear that.
What did he die of?
44
00:02:35,332 --> 00:02:37,563
He got hit by lightning
on a golf course.
45
00:02:37,601 --> 00:02:40,161
He should have
been using his woods.
46
00:02:41,538 --> 00:02:44,508
Find out what his rent was.
I'm always looking for cheaper.
47
00:02:44,541 --> 00:02:46,100
See you at the game.
48
00:03:09,398 --> 00:03:10,923
Used to make that shot.
49
00:03:10,966 --> 00:03:13,560
Damn it, Madison!
My wife and I are fed up!
50
00:03:13,601 --> 00:03:16,833
I'm filing a complaint.
You gonna clean this up?
51
00:03:16,871 --> 00:03:21,172
Whatever the cats don't finish,
I'll clean up later.
52
00:03:21,209 --> 00:03:22,643
You!
53
00:03:31,252 --> 00:03:33,483
Come on, where is Oscar?
54
00:03:33,521 --> 00:03:36,012
Coming! I'm in! I'm in!
55
00:03:36,056 --> 00:03:40,687
Nobody bet. Hold the bets.
I got a raise coming.
56
00:03:40,727 --> 00:03:41,956
How we doing, girls?
57
00:03:41,995 --> 00:03:44,464
Everybody's in except Esther.
58
00:03:44,498 --> 00:03:46,827
Esther, you didn't
make your straight?
59
00:03:46,947 --> 00:03:48,609
Who knows?
I can't see the numbers.
60
00:03:48,649 --> 00:03:51,141
Why can't we play
with those great big cards?
61
00:03:51,185 --> 00:03:52,414
We tried that once.
62
00:03:52,453 --> 00:03:54,922
Every time I shuffled,
Abe's toupee blew off.
63
00:03:54,955 --> 00:03:56,014
Not anymore.
64
00:03:56,056 --> 00:03:58,320
This is the kind
you can swim in.
65
00:03:58,357 --> 00:04:00,519
Be careful, Abe.
You swim with that rug...
66
00:04:00,560 --> 00:04:02,722
and they'll think
you're building a dam.
67
00:04:04,197 --> 00:04:07,133
Who gets the Eggeman's
lemon loaf cake...
68
00:04:07,166 --> 00:04:10,295
no cholesterol, no fat,
no taste?
69
00:04:10,336 --> 00:04:11,395
That's mine.
70
00:04:11,437 --> 00:04:14,464
One plate of chemical
sponge cake for Millie.
71
00:04:14,507 --> 00:04:16,533
- Thanks, darling.
- You're welcome.
72
00:04:16,576 --> 00:04:19,171
Wanda, you vixen.
73
00:04:19,212 --> 00:04:23,740
You know how that perfume
drives me crazy!
74
00:04:25,083 --> 00:04:26,483
You really like it?
75
00:04:26,518 --> 00:04:29,078
Yeah.
Also, I see I got you beat.
76
00:04:29,121 --> 00:04:31,352
He always does that to me!
77
00:04:31,389 --> 00:04:32,982
Don't worry about it.
78
00:04:33,024 --> 00:04:35,858
I lost so many brain cells
today, I forgot what I saw.
79
00:04:35,894 --> 00:04:37,238
He's just like my third husband.
80
00:04:37,262 --> 00:04:38,890
He should rest in peace.
81
00:04:38,930 --> 00:04:41,075
How do you know he's dead?
Maybe he's just bluffing.
82
00:04:41,099 --> 00:04:42,727
That's not funny.
83
00:04:42,768 --> 00:04:45,168
Who gets salt-free nachos
with cottage-cheese chili?
84
00:04:45,202 --> 00:04:46,602
That's mine, Oscar.
85
00:04:46,637 --> 00:04:51,769
One Jenny Craig Mexican-style
type of casserole dinner...
86
00:04:51,809 --> 00:04:54,506
for Señorita Abramowitz.
87
00:04:54,545 --> 00:04:58,346
And we have a cherry soda
for Abe.
88
00:04:58,382 --> 00:04:59,817
What happened to Abe?
Where's Abe?
89
00:04:59,850 --> 00:05:01,478
Here.
90
00:05:01,519 --> 00:05:04,489
Why don't you sit on a magazine?
I can't see you.
91
00:05:04,522 --> 00:05:07,355
This isn't cherry. It's lemon.
92
00:05:11,294 --> 00:05:13,559
Now it's cherry.
93
00:05:13,596 --> 00:05:14,825
Whose bet is it?
94
00:05:14,864 --> 00:05:18,164
Millie raised a quarter,
so it's 33 cents for you.
95
00:05:18,201 --> 00:05:21,694
33 cents. You need
nerves of steel for this game.
96
00:05:22,739 --> 00:05:24,037
I'm in.
97
00:05:24,073 --> 00:05:25,417
Did we come here
to talk or to play?
98
00:05:25,441 --> 00:05:27,069
Never finish a game.
99
00:05:27,110 --> 00:05:29,635
All right, all right,
I'm coming, I'm coming.
100
00:05:29,678 --> 00:05:31,977
Whoever it is,
I'll pay you on Thursday.
101
00:05:32,014 --> 00:05:33,710
You sound good, Pop.
102
00:05:33,749 --> 00:05:36,275
Brucie!
Brucie, boychik, how are you?
103
00:05:36,318 --> 00:05:37,786
What are you doin'...
104
00:05:37,820 --> 00:05:41,723
Hold it down, will you, girls?
It's my son from California.
105
00:05:41,757 --> 00:05:43,487
California.
106
00:05:43,525 --> 00:05:47,257
My sister lost three pairs
of dentures in the earthquakes.
107
00:05:47,296 --> 00:05:50,027
- So how does she eat?
- She sends out.
108
00:05:50,065 --> 00:05:51,863
You, too, Brucie.
You still an actor?
109
00:05:51,900 --> 00:05:55,700
I got a call from CBS.
I may get a pilot this week.
110
00:05:55,736 --> 00:05:58,797
Hey, that's terrific!
My kid may get a pilot.
111
00:05:58,840 --> 00:06:02,038
- He got his own plane?
- You don't know what a pilot is?
112
00:06:02,076 --> 00:06:04,705
It's a television show
that doesn't get on television.
113
00:06:04,745 --> 00:06:06,577
Pop, that's not why I'm calling.
114
00:06:06,614 --> 00:06:09,982
I got some big news for you.
I'm getting married this week.
115
00:06:10,017 --> 00:06:10,985
Married?
116
00:06:11,018 --> 00:06:11,986
Yay!
117
00:06:12,019 --> 00:06:12,987
Why?
118
00:06:13,020 --> 00:06:15,818
Because I love her. That's why.
119
00:06:15,856 --> 00:06:19,315
You didn't say it was a girl.
If you're happy, I'm happy.
120
00:06:19,359 --> 00:06:20,725
My kid is getting married.
121
00:06:20,760 --> 00:06:23,025
Mazel tov.
122
00:06:23,063 --> 00:06:25,897
There goes
my Rachel's last chance.
123
00:06:25,932 --> 00:06:28,959
It's this Sunday afternoon.
You think you can come?
124
00:06:29,002 --> 00:06:31,938
Wild racehorses
couldn't keep me away. Where?
125
00:06:31,972 --> 00:06:33,873
It's at her mother's
house in San Malina.
126
00:06:33,907 --> 00:06:36,775
San Baloney?
What was the name again?
127
00:06:36,810 --> 00:06:39,108
San Malina.
It's two hours north of L.A.
128
00:06:39,144 --> 00:06:40,544
We'll send you the address.
129
00:06:40,579 --> 00:06:43,640
Listen, if I'm not
being too nosy, sweetheart...
130
00:06:43,682 --> 00:06:45,344
who the hell are you marrying?
131
00:06:45,384 --> 00:06:47,853
She's an actress, Pop.
She's beautiful.
132
00:06:47,887 --> 00:06:50,652
She's so talented.
She's very smart.
133
00:06:50,689 --> 00:06:53,557
- And she loves your son.
- See what I mean?
134
00:06:53,592 --> 00:06:55,584
I love her already.
So who is she?
135
00:06:56,962 --> 00:06:58,555
Well...
136
00:06:58,597 --> 00:07:00,532
hold on to your hat, Pop.
137
00:07:00,566 --> 00:07:03,592
I need a hat to hold on to
to hear this?
138
00:07:03,635 --> 00:07:07,094
She's not one of those 6'10"
basketball players, is she?
139
00:07:07,138 --> 00:07:08,766
As long as she's thin.
140
00:07:09,807 --> 00:07:11,776
I can't hear ya.
141
00:07:11,809 --> 00:07:14,677
She's whose daughter?
142
00:07:14,712 --> 00:07:16,010
Whose?!
143
00:07:17,315 --> 00:07:18,977
Oh, my God.
144
00:07:26,189 --> 00:07:28,385
Snah. Snah. Snah!
145
00:07:29,293 --> 00:07:30,659
Snah!
146
00:07:30,894 --> 00:07:32,692
Snah!
147
00:07:32,729 --> 00:07:35,028
Shah... I'm sorry.
148
00:07:35,065 --> 00:07:36,533
Miss?
149
00:07:38,001 --> 00:07:39,401
Excuse me.
150
00:07:39,436 --> 00:07:41,803
Excuse me. I wonder
if I might change my seat...
151
00:07:41,838 --> 00:07:43,739
into the nonsmoking section?
152
00:07:43,774 --> 00:07:46,471
Well, the entire plane
is nonsmoking, sir.
153
00:07:46,510 --> 00:07:48,307
There's no one smoking
on this aircraft.
154
00:07:48,344 --> 00:07:50,506
I understand,
but possibly the attendants...
155
00:07:50,546 --> 00:07:53,277
who cleaned the planes
at the airport were smoking.
156
00:07:53,316 --> 00:07:55,547
I'm very sensitive to that.
157
00:07:55,584 --> 00:07:59,043
Well, I'm sorry, sir,
but the entire plane is full.
158
00:07:59,088 --> 00:08:00,522
Yeah, well...
159
00:08:02,224 --> 00:08:05,991
Ma'am?
See, it's not just the smoke.
160
00:08:06,028 --> 00:08:08,054
The woman next to me
is wearing a perfume...
161
00:08:08,097 --> 00:08:09,998
that I have
a definite allergy to.
162
00:08:10,032 --> 00:08:11,363
I've already moved you once.
163
00:08:11,399 --> 00:08:14,164
That was because of hair spray.
164
00:08:14,202 --> 00:08:16,501
Now, look,
I know that I sound crazy...
165
00:08:16,538 --> 00:08:20,134
but I just happen to be one
of those hyperallergenic cases.
166
00:08:20,175 --> 00:08:21,939
Can't you at least try?
167
00:08:21,977 --> 00:08:24,310
You mean sniff every woman
on this plane...
168
00:08:24,346 --> 00:08:26,577
until you find a perfume
you're not allergic to?
169
00:08:26,614 --> 00:08:28,776
I didn't complain
about the food, did I?
170
00:08:28,817 --> 00:08:31,048
I didn't eat it,
but I didn't complain about it.
171
00:08:31,086 --> 00:08:32,918
You asked for
the Hawaiian mahi mahi.
172
00:08:32,954 --> 00:08:35,149
I told you we only
serve the mahi mahi...
173
00:08:35,189 --> 00:08:37,267
on the west-east flights,
not the east-west flights.
174
00:08:37,291 --> 00:08:39,351
I just thought
there might be one piece...
175
00:08:39,393 --> 00:08:42,557
of mahi mahi making
the return trip. That's all.
176
00:08:43,731 --> 00:08:46,223
Just forget it. I'll manage.
177
00:08:51,305 --> 00:08:53,865
I have some cough lozenges
if you like.
178
00:08:53,907 --> 00:08:56,535
Isn't that sweet?
Thank you. No.
179
00:08:56,576 --> 00:08:58,841
I have
an unusually small windpipe.
180
00:08:58,878 --> 00:09:01,609
If it got stuck,
I could be dead in two minutes.
181
00:09:13,226 --> 00:09:15,092
Are you having trouble
breathing?
182
00:09:15,128 --> 00:09:18,758
I'm nervous because
my daughter's getting married...
183
00:09:18,798 --> 00:09:20,925
Sunday in California.
184
00:09:20,966 --> 00:09:22,901
You know, in San...
185
00:09:24,136 --> 00:09:27,504
San...
I got a friend picking me up.
186
00:09:27,539 --> 00:09:29,804
Oh. Nice.
187
00:09:34,479 --> 00:09:36,471
Are you all right?
188
00:09:36,515 --> 00:09:39,075
Your face is turning bluish.
189
00:09:40,118 --> 00:09:41,450
Do you need oxygen?
190
00:09:41,486 --> 00:09:43,113
Oh, yeah, yeah...
191
00:09:43,154 --> 00:09:45,646
but you never know
who's been using that before.
192
00:09:49,527 --> 00:09:50,527
Stewardess!
193
00:10:01,338 --> 00:10:02,704
Excuse me.
194
00:10:04,375 --> 00:10:06,036
I see my bag.
195
00:10:06,076 --> 00:10:08,204
Excuse me, please. Sir.
196
00:10:08,244 --> 00:10:10,236
What happened here?
197
00:10:10,280 --> 00:10:13,045
What do you call this?
198
00:10:13,083 --> 00:10:15,382
This is... this is
mishandling the luggage.
199
00:10:15,418 --> 00:10:17,614
It's a federal misdemeanor.
200
00:10:17,654 --> 00:10:19,555
Did you see this?
201
00:10:44,713 --> 00:10:45,976
Oscar?
202
00:10:48,584 --> 00:10:49,745
Felix?
203
00:10:49,785 --> 00:10:52,344
Oscar!
204
00:10:53,354 --> 00:10:55,255
Felix!
205
00:11:10,705 --> 00:11:12,298
Look out!
206
00:11:19,045 --> 00:11:21,981
God.
207
00:11:22,015 --> 00:11:25,281
We haven't even said hello,
and I've got a broken leg.
208
00:11:25,318 --> 00:11:28,413
It's just a sprain.
Hello, Felix.
209
00:11:28,455 --> 00:11:30,390
Let me know
when you're gonna hit a bump.
210
00:11:30,423 --> 00:11:33,552
OK, that was the bump.
211
00:11:41,033 --> 00:11:43,502
Here you go, Felix.
We're all set.
212
00:11:44,570 --> 00:11:48,405
Maybe we can stop for
a pair of crutches some place.
213
00:11:48,440 --> 00:11:50,909
Damn, that hurts.
214
00:11:50,943 --> 00:11:53,742
Yeah, I'll keep my eye
open for a crutch store.
215
00:11:53,779 --> 00:11:56,749
I'm sure there's a lot of them
on the freeway.
216
00:11:56,782 --> 00:12:01,185
Now, hold on to me,
and let's hop over to the car.
217
00:12:01,219 --> 00:12:03,848
That's it.
218
00:12:03,888 --> 00:12:05,880
That's it. Now you got it.
219
00:12:05,924 --> 00:12:06,983
OK.
220
00:12:07,992 --> 00:12:09,392
Now bend down...
221
00:12:09,427 --> 00:12:12,727
and slide into the seat,
you know what I mean?
222
00:12:12,764 --> 00:12:15,063
And tell me when it...
223
00:12:15,099 --> 00:12:16,567
Tell me when it hurts.
224
00:12:16,601 --> 00:12:17,569
It hurts.
225
00:12:17,602 --> 00:12:19,400
All right, I got a good idea.
226
00:12:19,437 --> 00:12:22,305
Don't tell me when it hurts,
'cause it's gonna hurt anyway.
227
00:12:22,340 --> 00:12:26,003
So when I count to three,
we do it all in one big move.
228
00:12:26,043 --> 00:12:27,773
One, two, three!
229
00:12:27,811 --> 00:12:31,748
Oh, God!
230
00:12:31,782 --> 00:12:33,341
I liked "it hurts" better.
231
00:12:33,383 --> 00:12:36,649
Oh, God.
232
00:12:37,955 --> 00:12:40,424
Got you some ice
from the machine.
233
00:12:40,457 --> 00:12:42,289
It'll keep the swelling down.
234
00:12:42,326 --> 00:12:44,625
I need something
to put the ice in.
235
00:12:44,661 --> 00:12:47,755
Put it in your sock.
What am I, an orthopedic?
236
00:12:56,895 --> 00:12:58,864
Your foot feeling any better?
237
00:12:58,897 --> 00:13:01,924
It's not a foot anymore.
It's a piece of frozen meat.
238
00:13:01,966 --> 00:13:04,060
Well, hang it out the window.
It's warm out.
239
00:13:05,737 --> 00:13:08,730
God, I'm starvin'. I haven't
eaten since last night.
240
00:13:08,773 --> 00:13:10,536
Didn't they serve on the plane?
241
00:13:10,574 --> 00:13:13,100
My fish was flyin' east.
242
00:13:15,245 --> 00:13:17,942
Here's my complimentary nuts.
243
00:13:17,981 --> 00:13:20,746
Go ahead.
If your teeth keep chattering...
244
00:13:20,784 --> 00:13:23,049
you'll have peanut butter
in three minutes.
245
00:13:23,086 --> 00:13:26,523
Oscar, do you know what
the fat content of nuts is?
246
00:13:26,557 --> 00:13:28,958
Not to mention the salt content.
247
00:13:28,992 --> 00:13:30,893
I could have a heart attack
at the wedding.
248
00:13:30,928 --> 00:13:33,897
I haven't seen you
in how long, eight, nine years?
249
00:13:33,930 --> 00:13:36,798
Seventeen.
Seventeen years, Oscar.
250
00:13:36,832 --> 00:13:40,963
You couldn't remember we haven't
seen each other for 17 years?
251
00:13:41,003 --> 00:13:43,404
Tell you the truth,
I didn't dwell on it.
252
00:13:43,439 --> 00:13:44,930
All right, 17 years.
253
00:13:44,974 --> 00:13:46,442
So your hair got whiter...
254
00:13:46,475 --> 00:13:49,604
your ears got bigger,
your nose got longer...
255
00:13:49,645 --> 00:13:51,079
but you still retain...
256
00:13:51,113 --> 00:13:54,948
that unique, elusive,
pain-in-the-ass quality...
257
00:13:54,984 --> 00:13:56,713
that drives me berserk.
258
00:13:56,751 --> 00:13:58,481
Oh, really?
259
00:13:58,520 --> 00:14:00,250
Well, you have changed, Oscar.
260
00:14:00,288 --> 00:14:01,950
When I saw you at the airport...
261
00:14:01,990 --> 00:14:05,085
I thought you'd died and
your mother came to tell me.
262
00:14:05,126 --> 00:14:08,153
I heard that line on
the Jerry Seinfeld show.
263
00:14:08,196 --> 00:14:11,257
So what? It's how fast
I thought of it that counts.
264
00:14:12,567 --> 00:14:14,866
Open the window.
I want to throw the water out.
265
00:14:14,903 --> 00:14:15,903
It is open.
266
00:14:24,578 --> 00:14:27,138
Sorry.
They must have just cleaned it.
267
00:14:35,456 --> 00:14:36,981
You feelin' better now?
268
00:14:38,058 --> 00:14:41,051
What's the matter?
You sprain your tongue, too?
269
00:14:41,095 --> 00:14:42,892
I'm angry at myself.
270
00:14:42,929 --> 00:14:45,296
I shouldn't have
yelled at you back there.
271
00:14:45,331 --> 00:14:48,358
We've always had
bad chemistry, Felix.
272
00:14:48,401 --> 00:14:51,030
We mix
like oil and frozen yogurt.
273
00:14:51,070 --> 00:14:52,732
But I'm glad to see you anyway.
274
00:14:52,772 --> 00:14:54,934
Oh, yeah, hey, me, too, Osc.
275
00:14:57,110 --> 00:14:59,670
Boy, I was some kind of nut
in those days?
276
00:14:59,712 --> 00:15:03,046
From pecan to pistachio.
277
00:15:04,217 --> 00:15:05,809
I guess I still am.
278
00:15:06,385 --> 00:15:09,719
You know, I hate mess,
and I hate disorder.
279
00:15:09,755 --> 00:15:12,020
I went to a hypnotist
to try to cure me.
280
00:15:12,057 --> 00:15:13,184
Didn't work, right?
281
00:15:13,225 --> 00:15:15,558
No. He was late.
282
00:15:15,594 --> 00:15:18,086
I straightened up
his office and left.
283
00:15:21,566 --> 00:15:23,694
You better pull off
the freeway, Oscar.
284
00:15:23,735 --> 00:15:26,227
I gotta pee.
285
00:15:27,905 --> 00:15:28,905
Flah!
286
00:15:36,280 --> 00:15:37,304
Hi.
287
00:15:40,184 --> 00:15:41,982
How you doin', kid?
288
00:15:43,721 --> 00:15:45,690
You all right?
Are you the waiter?
289
00:15:45,723 --> 00:15:47,248
What do you want?
290
00:15:47,291 --> 00:15:48,953
Five dollars.
291
00:15:48,993 --> 00:15:50,824
Why should I give you
five dollars?
292
00:15:50,860 --> 00:15:52,419
Your friend said you would...
293
00:15:52,462 --> 00:15:54,897
for telling you that he's
locked in the bathroom.
294
00:16:00,103 --> 00:16:02,368
Why'd you tell him five bucks?
295
00:16:02,405 --> 00:16:04,931
He's only a kid. He would
have done it for a quarter.
296
00:16:04,974 --> 00:16:06,636
What freeway
are we supposed to be on?
297
00:16:06,676 --> 00:16:07,974
The 405.
298
00:16:08,011 --> 00:16:10,537
I think that sign
back there said 101.
299
00:16:10,580 --> 00:16:13,913
If you didn't have the brains
to pee at the airport...
300
00:16:13,949 --> 00:16:16,145
how the hell would you
know what the sign said?
301
00:16:16,185 --> 00:16:18,916
Reading and peeing
are two different things.
302
00:16:18,954 --> 00:16:21,685
At your age, you're lucky
you can do either one.
303
00:16:29,431 --> 00:16:32,094
Is your daughter
anything like you?
304
00:16:32,134 --> 00:16:35,229
She's not gonna clean up
after the reception, is she?
305
00:16:35,270 --> 00:16:38,205
Hey, listen, my daughter
is a wonderful young lady...
306
00:16:38,239 --> 00:16:40,538
and your son
is damn lucky to get her.
307
00:16:40,575 --> 00:16:42,703
And let me tell you
something else...
308
00:16:42,744 --> 00:16:45,441
Please, don't.
That's why I moved to Florida.
309
00:16:45,480 --> 00:16:48,143
We keep this up,
I'll be living in Guatemala.
310
00:16:48,182 --> 00:16:50,151
Boy, that's fine by me.
311
00:16:53,388 --> 00:16:56,688
So, what are you, retired now?
312
00:16:56,724 --> 00:16:59,955
What, me, retired?
Oh, God. Never.
313
00:16:59,993 --> 00:17:02,462
No. I'm doing part-time
charity work at the hospital.
314
00:17:02,496 --> 00:17:04,965
What do you mean,
bedpans, stuff like that?
315
00:17:04,998 --> 00:17:08,230
No. I read them stories,
I write letters for them...
316
00:17:08,268 --> 00:17:10,066
I tell them jokes.
317
00:17:10,103 --> 00:17:13,835
It's good for me, you know,
because after my last wife...
318
00:17:13,874 --> 00:17:16,639
Well, you probably heard
about that.
319
00:17:16,676 --> 00:17:19,976
I'm sorry to hear that.
I heard she went very quickly.
320
00:17:20,013 --> 00:17:23,449
Moved out while I was asleep.
Never even left a note.
321
00:17:23,482 --> 00:17:25,644
What does that make,
three divorces now?
322
00:17:25,684 --> 00:17:28,085
Three divorces,
two broken engagements...
323
00:17:28,120 --> 00:17:30,988
and five women who disappeared
on the first date.
324
00:17:31,023 --> 00:17:33,356
Went to the ladies' room,
never came back.
325
00:17:33,392 --> 00:17:36,851
I guess you had some bad luck
with your personality.
326
00:17:36,896 --> 00:17:39,024
That may be,
but I haven't given up, Osc...
327
00:17:39,064 --> 00:17:43,126
because somewhere out there,
there is a right woman for me.
328
00:17:43,169 --> 00:17:45,365
Want me to stop the car
and go and look?
329
00:17:45,404 --> 00:17:46,632
No.
330
00:17:46,671 --> 00:17:49,197
But you should pull over
because I've got to eat.
331
00:17:49,240 --> 00:17:52,904
I have this low-sugar condition.
I have to eat every four hours.
332
00:17:52,944 --> 00:17:57,575
Why the hell didn't you eat
back at El Polo Loco?
333
00:17:57,615 --> 00:17:59,460
Because it wasn't time
to eat yet.
334
00:17:59,484 --> 00:18:01,248
It was time to pee.
335
00:18:03,888 --> 00:18:05,356
Sheesh.
336
00:18:16,967 --> 00:18:20,369
All right, Felix.
Make out a timetable...
337
00:18:20,404 --> 00:18:22,532
when you're gonna eat,
when you're gonna pee...
338
00:18:22,573 --> 00:18:24,484
when you're gonna fart,
when you're gonna cry...
339
00:18:24,508 --> 00:18:26,920
and when you're gonna sleep,
because that's the last time...
340
00:18:26,944 --> 00:18:28,845
I'm pulling off
the freeway, you hear?
341
00:18:28,879 --> 00:18:30,313
Oh.
342
00:18:30,347 --> 00:18:32,747
And I suppose you
never have to pee?
343
00:18:32,782 --> 00:18:34,293
I do it for a half hour
in the morning...
344
00:18:34,317 --> 00:18:36,013
and then
I'm through for the day.
345
00:18:36,052 --> 00:18:37,520
Oh, lucky you.
346
00:18:42,325 --> 00:18:44,521
What do you got there?
What are you doin'?
347
00:18:46,796 --> 00:18:48,355
How do you know
which ones to take?
348
00:18:48,397 --> 00:18:51,799
Doesn't make any difference.
Whatever they fix, I got.
349
00:18:56,938 --> 00:18:58,907
Don't you take them with water?
350
00:18:58,940 --> 00:19:00,909
What, the local water?
351
00:19:02,143 --> 00:19:03,611
Water from around here?
352
00:19:03,645 --> 00:19:05,910
Don't you know
how many pesticides they have...
353
00:19:05,947 --> 00:19:07,313
in the local water?
354
00:19:07,349 --> 00:19:08,578
Lower your voice, will you?
355
00:19:08,617 --> 00:19:11,519
People in here don't know
they'll be dead in a week.
356
00:19:24,865 --> 00:19:26,925
Snah! Nah.
357
00:19:26,967 --> 00:19:29,459
Snah! Snah!
358
00:19:29,503 --> 00:19:31,529
Didn't you fix that yet?
359
00:19:31,572 --> 00:19:32,540
Snah!
360
00:19:32,573 --> 00:19:34,974
Almost.
361
00:19:35,009 --> 00:19:36,170
Just one...
362
00:19:37,344 --> 00:19:38,539
Snah!
363
00:19:39,246 --> 00:19:40,305
Comes up.
364
00:19:43,049 --> 00:19:44,142
Snah!
365
00:19:58,131 --> 00:19:59,360
What the hell?
366
00:19:59,399 --> 00:20:01,459
Open a window, will ya?
367
00:20:07,151 --> 00:20:08,585
How long was I asleep?
368
00:20:08,619 --> 00:20:11,487
I didn't know you
wanted me to time it.
369
00:20:12,623 --> 00:20:14,300
Hey, look at this.
We're off the freeway.
370
00:20:14,324 --> 00:20:15,690
Are we almost there?
371
00:20:16,693 --> 00:20:18,662
I don't think so.
372
00:20:18,695 --> 00:20:21,631
You don't think so?
What do the directions say?
373
00:20:21,665 --> 00:20:23,343
They're gone.
I threw 'em out the window.
374
00:20:23,367 --> 00:20:25,427
You threw 'em out the...
375
00:20:25,936 --> 00:20:27,927
You threw 'em out the window?
376
00:20:27,970 --> 00:20:30,235
What the hell made you do
a stupid thing like that?
377
00:20:30,273 --> 00:20:34,142
Well, I had them on my lap
so I could read them.
378
00:20:34,177 --> 00:20:37,306
I lit my cigar, the hot
ashes fell on my crotch...
379
00:20:37,346 --> 00:20:38,507
the map caught fire.
380
00:20:38,548 --> 00:20:41,017
I had the choice of
either finding the house...
381
00:20:41,050 --> 00:20:44,077
or burning up one of the most
important parts of my body.
382
00:20:44,120 --> 00:20:46,248
- Guess which I picked?
- Unbelievable.
383
00:20:46,289 --> 00:20:48,815
So you just picked
any exit and got off?
384
00:20:48,858 --> 00:20:50,951
I had to get off some place,
didn't I?
385
00:20:50,992 --> 00:20:54,156
This isn't some place.
This is no place. Pull over.
386
00:20:54,196 --> 00:20:56,023
I'll get the directions
out of my suitcase.
387
00:21:22,456 --> 00:21:24,084
Where's my suitcase?
388
00:21:24,124 --> 00:21:26,184
Your suitcase? In the trunk.
389
00:21:26,227 --> 00:21:27,354
- No.
- No?
390
00:21:27,394 --> 00:21:29,420
- No.
- Did you look good?
391
00:21:29,463 --> 00:21:31,432
The trunk is about this big.
392
00:21:31,465 --> 00:21:33,866
It takes a second and a half
to look in there.
393
00:21:33,901 --> 00:21:36,961
Your 1927 piece of cardboard
is there...
394
00:21:37,003 --> 00:21:38,938
but my suitcase isn't.
395
00:21:38,972 --> 00:21:42,932
What are you talking about?
It's got to be in there.
396
00:21:42,976 --> 00:21:45,411
Let me look at it.
397
00:21:50,517 --> 00:21:53,112
Oscar...
398
00:21:53,152 --> 00:21:55,621
I'm going to try
to stay very calm...
399
00:21:55,655 --> 00:21:57,715
while I say the next sentence.
400
00:21:57,757 --> 00:21:59,918
If it isn't in there...
401
00:21:59,958 --> 00:22:03,224
where in the hell is
my goddamn suitcase?!
402
00:22:03,262 --> 00:22:04,992
This is just a wild guess.
403
00:22:05,030 --> 00:22:08,091
I'd say standing in front
of the Budget rent-a-car office.
404
00:22:08,133 --> 00:22:11,467
- In Los Angeles?!
- That's a good guess, too.
405
00:22:11,503 --> 00:22:15,440
Oh, God Almighty.
We're gonna go back and get it.
406
00:22:15,474 --> 00:22:19,070
Go back? It took us
two hours to get here.
407
00:22:19,111 --> 00:22:22,103
It's gonna take us
another five hours to go back...
408
00:22:22,146 --> 00:22:24,615
'cause I don't know how we
got here in the first place.
409
00:22:24,649 --> 00:22:26,560
We'd have to make three stops...
one for you to pee...
410
00:22:26,584 --> 00:22:28,553
one for you
to get locked in the john...
411
00:22:28,586 --> 00:22:31,420
one for you to pay a kid
five dollars to get out...
412
00:22:31,455 --> 00:22:34,653
then we'd have to stop
again for you to eat.
413
00:22:34,692 --> 00:22:38,151
Do you understand
what I'm talking about?
414
00:22:52,108 --> 00:22:55,510
What did you have in there,
an ironing board, spot remover?
415
00:22:55,545 --> 00:22:57,013
I'll pay you back.
416
00:22:57,047 --> 00:23:01,849
In that suitcase was my black
formal afternoon suit...
417
00:23:01,885 --> 00:23:05,151
that I bought to wear to give
my daughter away in marriage.
418
00:23:05,188 --> 00:23:09,955
And in that suitcase was
a $6,000 Tiffany silver tray...
419
00:23:09,992 --> 00:23:12,188
which I bought
as a wedding present.
420
00:23:12,227 --> 00:23:16,289
Oh, and in that suitcase
was $10,000 in cash...
421
00:23:16,332 --> 00:23:20,633
which I intended to give to my
son-in-law on his wedding day.
422
00:23:20,669 --> 00:23:24,470
Now, in your suitcase,
the police are going to find...
423
00:23:24,506 --> 00:23:29,535
your broken, smashed,
mutilated, and dissected body...
424
00:23:29,578 --> 00:23:33,639
in the event you don't go back
and find my fucking suitcase!
425
00:23:33,681 --> 00:23:36,173
Why don't we call Budget
and ask them to deliver it?
426
00:23:36,217 --> 00:23:39,187
Deliver where?! You've
crisscrossed California...
427
00:23:39,220 --> 00:23:42,213
more than the covered wagons
did a hundred years ago!
428
00:23:42,256 --> 00:23:43,884
What are we going to tell them?
429
00:23:43,925 --> 00:23:46,485
Follow the burned pieces
of directions on the freeway?
430
00:23:46,527 --> 00:23:49,986
All right. We'll drive
to the first town we see...
431
00:23:50,031 --> 00:23:52,364
and then we'll call Budget.
I guarantee you...
432
00:23:52,400 --> 00:23:55,460
That was
my best leather suitcase.
433
00:23:55,502 --> 00:23:58,961
How long do you think
it'll stand on the sidewalk?
434
00:23:59,006 --> 00:24:01,669
Somebody's gonna be eating
a pepperoni pizza tonight...
435
00:24:01,708 --> 00:24:03,836
on my daughter's
silver Tiffany tray.
436
00:24:03,877 --> 00:24:06,608
Come back in the car.
If it's still there...
437
00:24:06,647 --> 00:24:09,446
they have new things today
that'll get them to you fast...
438
00:24:09,483 --> 00:24:13,944
like, Federal Express, UPS, fax.
439
00:24:13,987 --> 00:24:16,422
You're going to fax
my suitcase to me?
440
00:24:16,456 --> 00:24:19,357
I can wear a picture
of my black wedding suit.
441
00:24:19,392 --> 00:24:20,860
Take it easy.
442
00:24:20,893 --> 00:24:23,556
And paper copies
of $10,000 cash!
443
00:24:23,596 --> 00:24:25,963
Don't get physical with me!
444
00:24:25,998 --> 00:24:30,698
I'm too old to hit,
but I can spit you to death.
445
00:24:30,736 --> 00:24:32,295
I want to know one thing.
446
00:24:32,338 --> 00:24:35,638
Why when you get around me
you start to behave...
447
00:24:35,675 --> 00:24:38,144
like a goddamn, imbecilic...
448
00:24:38,177 --> 00:24:41,146
idiotic, totally moronic...
449
00:24:41,179 --> 00:24:42,670
shithead?
450
00:24:46,885 --> 00:24:49,946
Hey, wait! Hey, wait!
451
00:24:49,988 --> 00:24:50,988
Hey!
452
00:25:15,713 --> 00:25:17,375
Didn't you put the brakes on?
453
00:25:18,282 --> 00:25:21,013
Why? I didn't know you
were going to punch it.
454
00:25:23,787 --> 00:25:29,157
We better call Budget and
have them fax us another car.
455
00:25:46,075 --> 00:25:47,873
I think I know where we are.
456
00:25:47,910 --> 00:25:49,468
Oh, you do? Where?
457
00:25:49,511 --> 00:25:51,139
In a Clint Eastwood movie.
458
00:25:52,948 --> 00:25:55,042
The Good, the Bad,
and the Stupid?
459
00:25:55,083 --> 00:25:58,076
You're not the only one who lost
everything in his suitcase.
460
00:25:58,120 --> 00:25:59,986
Oh, really?
What did you lose?
461
00:26:00,021 --> 00:26:02,889
An old Mets t-shirt and
a corned beef sandwich?
462
00:26:02,924 --> 00:26:05,450
No. The most important
thing in my life.
463
00:26:05,494 --> 00:26:06,553
What's that?
464
00:26:06,595 --> 00:26:10,157
My return ticket
to Sarasota, Florida.
465
00:26:10,198 --> 00:26:12,166
Instead of complaining...
466
00:26:12,199 --> 00:26:13,997
why don't you look around
for a telephone?
467
00:26:14,034 --> 00:26:17,766
What the hell makes you think
there'd be a telephone out here?
468
00:26:17,805 --> 00:26:21,003
This is probably where they
test those nuclear bombs.
469
00:26:21,041 --> 00:26:24,273
They'd have to call somebody
to find out if they went off.
470
00:26:24,311 --> 00:26:26,177
Ai!
471
00:26:27,515 --> 00:26:29,040
I thought that was a snake.
472
00:26:29,884 --> 00:26:31,978
They probably got
poisonous spiders here.
473
00:26:32,019 --> 00:26:34,852
Get outta here.
What are they gonna live on?
474
00:26:34,888 --> 00:26:37,619
You think they're waiting for
2 schmucks like us to show up?
475
00:26:37,657 --> 00:26:39,455
I gotta sit down. Let's rest.
476
00:26:48,635 --> 00:26:53,630
Now, Oscar...
we need to have a plan.
477
00:26:54,207 --> 00:26:55,869
- Agreed?
- Agreed.
478
00:26:55,909 --> 00:26:58,002
What do you think
the plan should be?
479
00:26:59,878 --> 00:27:02,871
I don't care.
I agreed. I did my part.
480
00:27:02,915 --> 00:27:05,646
We got to find a telephone
and call Hannah's mother...
481
00:27:05,684 --> 00:27:08,153
and get her to send a car
to pick us up.
482
00:27:08,187 --> 00:27:09,348
You know the number?
483
00:27:09,388 --> 00:27:13,450
No, it was in my suitcase.
But we can call information.
484
00:27:13,492 --> 00:27:14,687
In what town?
485
00:27:16,128 --> 00:27:19,360
San...
486
00:27:19,398 --> 00:27:21,957
My daughter said...
Don't you remember?
487
00:27:21,999 --> 00:27:25,094
No. I was playing poker.
I couldn't hear anything.
488
00:27:25,136 --> 00:27:26,229
San Marino?
489
00:27:26,270 --> 00:27:28,796
No, it wasn't San Marino.
San Cantino?
490
00:27:28,840 --> 00:27:31,366
- Not San Cantino.
- No.
491
00:27:31,409 --> 00:27:34,902
- San Sereno?
- No, not San Sereno.
492
00:27:34,946 --> 00:27:37,415
- San Bandino.
- San Patino.
493
00:27:37,448 --> 00:27:41,476
San Farina. Where you going,
for crying out loud?
494
00:27:41,519 --> 00:27:42,953
San Farina!
495
00:27:42,987 --> 00:27:46,013
We could do this forever.
We need a phone book.
496
00:27:46,056 --> 00:27:47,888
How many towns
could sound like that?
497
00:27:47,924 --> 00:27:49,586
In California, all of them.
498
00:27:49,626 --> 00:27:52,221
San Diego, San Jose,
San Quentin.
499
00:27:52,262 --> 00:27:53,787
San Mateo.
500
00:27:53,830 --> 00:27:57,232
San Clemente.
Roberto Clemente.
501
00:27:57,267 --> 00:28:00,066
Sancho Pancho.
Pancho Gonzales.
502
00:28:00,103 --> 00:28:02,504
- San Jemimah.
- San Jemimah?
503
00:28:02,539 --> 00:28:05,168
What do I know?
Fernando Lamas.
504
00:28:05,208 --> 00:28:07,802
- Ricardo Montalban.
- Ricky Ricardo.
505
00:28:07,843 --> 00:28:09,835
San Bagawe.
506
00:28:09,879 --> 00:28:13,213
- Where's that?
- Near San Upyourano.
507
00:28:15,117 --> 00:28:20,920
"Los Pintos, Las Brisas,
Los Pecos." Sound familiar?
508
00:28:20,956 --> 00:28:24,154
Yeah.
They're hotels in Acapulco.
509
00:28:24,193 --> 00:28:27,357
Ha ha. A car has to come
from some direction.
510
00:28:27,396 --> 00:28:30,957
You stand here, I'm gonna
stand on the other side.
511
00:28:30,999 --> 00:28:36,983
So we can catch the heavy
traffic at 5:00 at Los Pecos.
512
00:28:37,016 --> 00:28:38,985
You got a better idea,
los idiot?
513
00:28:54,867 --> 00:28:56,062
You see anything yet?
514
00:28:57,302 --> 00:29:01,933
For a minute, I thought
I saw Omar Sharif on a camel.
515
00:29:17,221 --> 00:29:19,816
Hey! Come back!
516
00:29:19,857 --> 00:29:23,385
What was it? It just went by.
517
00:29:49,820 --> 00:29:52,346
I hear something.
Do you hear it?
518
00:29:52,389 --> 00:29:55,382
With our luck,
it's killer bees from Brazil.
519
00:30:07,970 --> 00:30:10,804
What the...
520
00:30:13,709 --> 00:30:15,439
What the hell was that?
521
00:30:16,579 --> 00:30:20,175
They purposely did it.
They hate New Yorkers.
522
00:30:20,216 --> 00:30:23,084
Oh, my God...
523
00:30:23,118 --> 00:30:24,814
Who's going to pick us up now?
524
00:30:24,854 --> 00:30:27,550
We look like a couple
of Pillsbury doughboys.
525
00:30:27,589 --> 00:30:32,550
Let's get out of the sun
before we start to rise.
526
00:31:00,988 --> 00:31:02,684
What's so funny?
527
00:31:02,723 --> 00:31:05,318
I was just thinking
if we ever get there...
528
00:31:05,359 --> 00:31:07,419
we could be the two figures
on the wedding cake.
529
00:31:08,896 --> 00:31:10,023
Hilarious.
530
00:31:10,063 --> 00:31:12,691
- Yeah. What's that?
- Hey!
531
00:31:12,732 --> 00:31:14,598
Get in front of it, Osc!
532
00:31:14,634 --> 00:31:17,194
Stop! Stop!
533
00:31:18,404 --> 00:31:20,396
Hey, amigos, where you going?
534
00:31:20,439 --> 00:31:22,203
- San Redondo.
- San Yolando.
535
00:31:22,241 --> 00:31:23,368
Where?
536
00:31:23,409 --> 00:31:27,642
San Tamale. San Taco Bell.
We'll go anyplace.
537
00:31:27,680 --> 00:31:30,172
Well, hop in.
Andale. Arriba.
538
00:31:30,216 --> 00:31:33,152
Thank you very much.
You go ahead, Felix.
539
00:31:35,287 --> 00:31:37,950
What you doing out
here with no car?
540
00:31:37,989 --> 00:31:39,890
That's a long story.
541
00:31:39,925 --> 00:31:43,293
We're going to a wedding...
my daughter and his son.
542
00:31:43,328 --> 00:31:47,231
Ay, qué bonito.
You must be pretty good friends.
543
00:31:47,265 --> 00:31:49,530
Oh, hey, the best.
544
00:31:50,702 --> 00:31:53,763
We need to find a telephone.
Can you do that for us?
545
00:31:53,805 --> 00:31:57,002
Teléfono? No hay problema.
No problem.
546
00:31:57,041 --> 00:31:59,476
Gas station two miles from here.
I'll take you.
547
00:31:59,510 --> 00:32:03,072
That's very nice of you.
We'll be glad to pay you for it.
548
00:32:03,113 --> 00:32:06,914
No. You're compadres.
You're poor people like me.
549
00:32:06,951 --> 00:32:09,921
This is my wedding gift
for your children.
550
00:32:09,954 --> 00:32:12,924
You hear that? It's
a wedding gift for our children.
551
00:32:12,957 --> 00:32:14,983
That's more
than I'm gonna give them.
552
00:32:21,331 --> 00:32:23,163
Un momentito.
553
00:32:30,607 --> 00:32:32,166
I hope nothing's wrong.
554
00:32:32,208 --> 00:32:34,473
Yeah, I'd hate
to break our lucky streak.
555
00:32:35,578 --> 00:32:37,911
Compadres, very bad news.
556
00:32:37,947 --> 00:32:41,679
These men, my cousins.
They say me mama very sick.
557
00:32:41,718 --> 00:32:43,709
I have to go to her very pronto.
558
00:32:43,752 --> 00:32:45,311
It's back
where we just come from.
559
00:32:45,354 --> 00:32:46,822
Back there?
560
00:32:46,855 --> 00:32:48,232
I go with them.
They drive very fast.
561
00:32:48,256 --> 00:32:50,885
You take my truck
to gas station, please.
562
00:32:50,926 --> 00:32:53,919
Leave it there for me.
Rico, that's my name.
563
00:32:53,962 --> 00:32:56,693
Are you sure, Rico?
We'll be careful with it.
564
00:32:56,732 --> 00:32:58,701
I know. I trust you.
565
00:32:58,734 --> 00:33:02,193
Look, if you get hungry,
eat peaches.
566
00:33:02,237 --> 00:33:05,002
Adios, compadres.
567
00:33:05,040 --> 00:33:07,338
I did pretty good, comprende?
568
00:33:07,375 --> 00:33:09,970
And this time
I'm gonna drive, amigo.
569
00:33:10,011 --> 00:33:13,948
Which I should have done
in the first place, muchacho.
570
00:33:33,667 --> 00:33:35,363
Hey, why don't you
use a handkerchief...
571
00:33:35,402 --> 00:33:37,530
so you don't get peach
juice all over me?
572
00:33:37,570 --> 00:33:41,302
Think we're pulling into
the Pebble Beach Country Club?
573
00:33:57,723 --> 00:34:00,716
Come on, baby.
Don't give up now.
574
00:34:00,759 --> 00:34:03,957
It's not gonna make it.
It's not in the cards.
575
00:34:03,996 --> 00:34:07,091
We're riding a dead horse.
We're coming in for the funeral.
576
00:34:07,132 --> 00:34:09,363
Why don't you stop being
such a goddamn pessimist?
577
00:34:09,401 --> 00:34:11,700
I bet you we make this hill.
578
00:34:11,737 --> 00:34:14,400
- How much?
- That's it. Come on.
579
00:34:14,440 --> 00:34:16,874
Almost. Yeah! Yeah!
580
00:34:16,908 --> 00:34:18,877
I knew it! I knew it!
581
00:34:18,910 --> 00:34:21,971
Never count me out till
the fat lady divorces me.
582
00:34:23,381 --> 00:34:25,316
What the hell is that?
583
00:34:25,349 --> 00:34:28,717
I don't know.
Maybe they want free peaches.
584
00:34:28,753 --> 00:34:31,279
All right. Stop the truck.
585
00:34:37,528 --> 00:34:39,393
Are they talking to us?
586
00:34:39,429 --> 00:34:42,456
That's a lot of cops
to give one ticket.
587
00:34:42,499 --> 00:34:45,059
All right,
step out of the vehicle. Now.
588
00:34:49,306 --> 00:34:51,207
Keep your hands
where we can see them.
589
00:34:51,241 --> 00:34:54,177
Officers, there's
some kind of mistake here.
590
00:34:54,211 --> 00:34:59,411
We didn't steal the truck,
and we didn't pick any peaches.
591
00:34:59,449 --> 00:35:01,849
I said on the ground now!
592
00:35:03,352 --> 00:35:04,843
All right, cuff 'em.
593
00:35:06,989 --> 00:35:08,700
You don't think this
has anything to do with...
594
00:35:08,724 --> 00:35:12,024
me offering that kid money
in the bathroom, do you?
595
00:35:12,061 --> 00:35:13,505
You're under arrest
for violation...
596
00:35:13,529 --> 00:35:16,021
of California
immigration law 14-0-7...
597
00:35:16,065 --> 00:35:17,795
the transportation
of illegal aliens.
598
00:35:17,833 --> 00:35:19,277
You have the right
to remain silent...
599
00:35:19,301 --> 00:35:22,328
All right,
you two jokers step forward.
600
00:35:27,575 --> 00:35:29,476
What's so amusing now?
601
00:35:29,511 --> 00:35:31,980
Nothing.
I was just thinking of how...
602
00:35:32,013 --> 00:35:33,948
we're going to tell
Hannah and Brucie...
603
00:35:33,982 --> 00:35:36,508
why we're 40 years late
for their wedding.
604
00:35:36,551 --> 00:35:39,350
Will you stop worrying?
We'll get out of this.
605
00:35:39,387 --> 00:35:41,879
Not without a lawyer we won't.
606
00:35:41,923 --> 00:35:43,118
Have you got a lawyer?
607
00:35:43,158 --> 00:35:45,889
Yeah. In Florida. He's 92.
608
00:35:45,927 --> 00:35:47,895
Takes him six hours
to walk to the telephone.
609
00:35:47,928 --> 00:35:49,829
The case'll be over.
610
00:35:49,863 --> 00:35:51,957
We'll just tell them the truth.
611
00:35:54,101 --> 00:35:55,899
Hey, there's our guy!
612
00:35:55,936 --> 00:35:57,404
¿Que pasa?
613
00:35:59,520 --> 00:36:02,285
And how is
your dying mama, compadre?
614
00:36:02,323 --> 00:36:03,291
Mucho better, gracias.
615
00:36:03,324 --> 00:36:05,316
Good. I'll send her
a crate of peaches.
616
00:36:05,359 --> 00:36:08,454
Are you gonna tell them
the truth or not, amigo?
617
00:36:08,495 --> 00:36:09,861
I told them the truth.
618
00:36:09,897 --> 00:36:12,092
I said you picked me up
on the road...
619
00:36:12,131 --> 00:36:13,497
you gave me a ride...
620
00:36:13,533 --> 00:36:16,435
then I saw my friends,
and they took me home...
621
00:36:16,469 --> 00:36:18,370
and that's the truth, no?
622
00:36:18,404 --> 00:36:20,236
He's got a better story
than ours.
623
00:36:20,273 --> 00:36:22,208
I think we're in trouble.
624
00:36:22,241 --> 00:36:24,176
Oscar Madison, Felix Unger.
625
00:36:24,210 --> 00:36:26,702
Here we are.
We're present. Right here.
626
00:36:26,746 --> 00:36:28,214
Let's go.
627
00:36:28,247 --> 00:36:29,681
Didn't I tell you?
628
00:36:29,716 --> 00:36:32,276
If we go down,
you go down with us.
629
00:36:32,318 --> 00:36:34,786
What are you,
Dirty Harry or something?
630
00:36:34,820 --> 00:36:36,550
You watch too much television.
631
00:36:36,588 --> 00:36:39,922
OK. So, now
tell me one more time...
632
00:36:39,958 --> 00:36:42,894
how the rented car
caught fire and exploded.
633
00:36:42,928 --> 00:36:46,592
He called me a shithead
and punched the car.
634
00:36:46,632 --> 00:36:48,760
It went rolling down the hill.
635
00:36:48,800 --> 00:36:50,393
Why did you punch the car?
636
00:36:50,435 --> 00:36:53,530
Because the shithead threw
the directions out the window...
637
00:36:53,572 --> 00:36:56,370
and left my suitcase
at the rent-a-car agency.
638
00:36:56,407 --> 00:36:58,842
Why did you throw
the directions out the window?
639
00:36:58,876 --> 00:37:01,846
Because they caught fire
from my cigar ashes...
640
00:37:01,879 --> 00:37:04,007
and were burning on my crotch.
641
00:37:04,048 --> 00:37:06,347
The first time he's been hot
down there for years.
642
00:37:06,384 --> 00:37:09,354
I just wanted to remind you
of how it felt down there.
643
00:37:09,387 --> 00:37:12,551
OK, boys, calm down.
644
00:37:14,058 --> 00:37:15,856
You two don't get along
too well, do you?
645
00:37:15,893 --> 00:37:20,762
That's not true. There was
a wonderful 17-year period.
646
00:37:20,797 --> 00:37:23,289
Then, unfortunately,
we saw each other again.
647
00:37:23,333 --> 00:37:25,029
And who did you say
was getting married?
648
00:37:26,236 --> 00:37:28,000
My daughter and his son.
649
00:37:37,647 --> 00:37:42,311
Well, these other officers
and myself all agree...
650
00:37:42,351 --> 00:37:45,719
that if you can't find your way
to your children's wedding...
651
00:37:45,754 --> 00:37:47,165
there isn't a chance in hell
you could smuggle...
652
00:37:47,189 --> 00:37:49,681
twenty illegal aliens
across the border.
653
00:37:49,725 --> 00:37:52,661
Besides, we got a confession
from the truck driver.
654
00:37:52,695 --> 00:37:53,856
You're free to go.
655
00:37:53,896 --> 00:37:56,889
Ha ha! Thank you.
Appreciate it, Officer.
656
00:37:56,932 --> 00:37:58,867
Come on, Oscar.
657
00:37:58,901 --> 00:38:01,871
Wait a minute. There's
a matter of false arrest here.
658
00:38:01,904 --> 00:38:04,806
I happen to have one
of the finest legal minds...
659
00:38:04,840 --> 00:38:07,172
for an attorney
in the state of Florida.
660
00:38:07,208 --> 00:38:09,677
- Get him out of here.
- Come on, Oscar, let's go.
661
00:38:09,711 --> 00:38:12,681
And he... You may hear from him.
662
00:38:12,714 --> 00:38:16,310
Let's go. We still don't know
how to get to the wedding.
663
00:38:16,350 --> 00:38:18,148
There's a girl
outside on the computer.
664
00:38:18,186 --> 00:38:20,186
Give her the family's name.
She'll run it down.
665
00:38:20,221 --> 00:38:22,520
Thank you very much.
We appreciate that.
666
00:38:22,557 --> 00:38:23,786
Bye-bye.
667
00:38:27,462 --> 00:38:29,726
Hello? Felix?
668
00:38:29,763 --> 00:38:32,494
Oh, we've been
worried about you.
669
00:38:32,532 --> 00:38:35,366
Well, unfortunately,
we took a wrong turn...
670
00:38:35,402 --> 00:38:37,303
everywhere.
671
00:38:37,337 --> 00:38:39,602
What'd you say the name
of the town was again?
672
00:38:39,639 --> 00:38:41,733
San Malina.
673
00:38:41,775 --> 00:38:44,176
San Malina.
That's right!
674
00:38:44,211 --> 00:38:46,271
That's what I kept
saying to Oscar.
675
00:38:46,313 --> 00:38:47,611
Where are you?
676
00:38:47,647 --> 00:38:49,707
Well, we're in a little town
called...
677
00:38:49,750 --> 00:38:54,153
Santa Menendez.
678
00:38:54,220 --> 00:38:56,098
I don't know how far it is
from where you are.
679
00:38:56,122 --> 00:38:58,318
About five hours.
680
00:38:58,357 --> 00:39:01,794
- Five hours?
- If you know the way.
681
00:39:01,827 --> 00:39:03,591
Is there a hotel in this town?
682
00:39:03,629 --> 00:39:05,689
Right down the street.
The Santa Florita.
683
00:39:07,333 --> 00:39:10,633
Felix, our new underwear
has arrived.
684
00:39:10,669 --> 00:39:12,865
- Terrific.
- Catch.
685
00:39:12,905 --> 00:39:13,873
Oh, boy.
686
00:39:13,906 --> 00:39:16,465
Caught that like
a Major Leaguer.
687
00:39:16,508 --> 00:39:18,704
Look at these shorts.
688
00:39:18,743 --> 00:39:22,737
I look like a cocktail waitress
at a crap game.
689
00:39:22,781 --> 00:39:24,079
Yeah...
690
00:39:24,115 --> 00:39:26,175
I think if you wiggle
your fanny right...
691
00:39:26,217 --> 00:39:27,913
you can make double-sixes.
692
00:39:29,020 --> 00:39:30,716
Let's get something to drink.
693
00:39:30,755 --> 00:39:34,851
Just take
those old records off the shelf.
694
00:39:34,893 --> 00:39:38,795
I sit and
listen to 'em by myself.
695
00:39:38,829 --> 00:39:42,891
Today's music
ain't got the same soul.
696
00:39:42,933 --> 00:39:45,562
I like that
old-time rock 'n' roll...
697
00:39:46,737 --> 00:39:49,172
Don't try to take me
to a disco...
698
00:39:49,206 --> 00:39:52,005
This doesn't
look like our kind of crowd.
699
00:39:52,042 --> 00:39:55,570
Anyone gets tough,
show them your underwear.
700
00:39:55,612 --> 00:39:56,739
What'll it be, gents?
701
00:39:56,780 --> 00:39:59,773
A dry martini
on the rocks, please.
702
00:39:59,817 --> 00:40:00,817
Martini?
703
00:40:02,285 --> 00:40:04,151
Yeah.
704
00:40:04,187 --> 00:40:07,988
- What about you?
- A double scotch for me.
705
00:40:12,628 --> 00:40:13,891
Evening.
706
00:40:15,031 --> 00:40:15,999
Hi.
707
00:40:16,032 --> 00:40:18,399
It's beautiful weather,
isn't it?
708
00:40:19,969 --> 00:40:21,961
Just terrific, honey.
709
00:40:27,642 --> 00:40:30,635
If you are thinking what
I think you're thinking...
710
00:40:30,679 --> 00:40:31,806
forget it.
711
00:40:31,847 --> 00:40:33,145
I'm not thinking.
I'm talking.
712
00:40:33,181 --> 00:40:34,615
Don't.
713
00:40:34,649 --> 00:40:37,175
This is my friend
Felix over here.
714
00:40:37,219 --> 00:40:38,653
They call me Oscar.
715
00:40:38,687 --> 00:40:40,315
Hi, Felix.
716
00:40:41,356 --> 00:40:42,324
- Hi, Oscar.
- Hi.
717
00:40:42,357 --> 00:40:44,383
I'm Thelma.
718
00:40:44,426 --> 00:40:46,553
You're not Louise, are you?
719
00:40:46,594 --> 00:40:51,294
Like I haven't been asked that
about a million times.
720
00:40:51,332 --> 00:40:52,800
I'm Holly.
721
00:40:52,833 --> 00:40:56,429
Holly. That's a very nice name,
especially around Christmas.
722
00:40:56,470 --> 00:40:59,235
That's cute.
723
00:40:59,273 --> 00:41:02,243
So, are you staying here
at the hotel?
724
00:41:02,276 --> 00:41:03,744
We're just passing through.
725
00:41:03,777 --> 00:41:06,076
So are we.
Where you headed?
726
00:41:06,113 --> 00:41:08,810
Don't know yet.
Maybe Lake Tahoe, maybe Vegas.
727
00:41:08,849 --> 00:41:11,613
Just lovers of the open road?
728
00:41:13,920 --> 00:41:15,821
We're saving our money
for Tahoe.
729
00:41:15,855 --> 00:41:17,551
We got a van out back.
730
00:41:17,590 --> 00:41:21,357
That couldn't be
very comfortable, could it?
731
00:41:22,428 --> 00:41:25,023
Now, Oscar,
if I didn't know better...
732
00:41:25,064 --> 00:41:27,590
I'd say a nice
old grandfather like you...
733
00:41:27,634 --> 00:41:29,865
was trying to hit on
a couple of ladies.
734
00:41:29,903 --> 00:41:32,337
I'm not as old as I look.
735
00:41:32,371 --> 00:41:34,806
I had this plastic
surgery done recently...
736
00:41:34,840 --> 00:41:37,036
and the quack doctor
botched it up.
737
00:41:39,645 --> 00:41:41,739
Your friend doesn't
say much, does he?
738
00:41:41,780 --> 00:41:43,772
He's the doctor
who botched it up.
739
00:41:47,586 --> 00:41:48,747
You OK, Doc?
740
00:41:48,787 --> 00:41:51,086
I think I put your mouth
in the wrong place.
741
00:41:51,123 --> 00:41:53,092
Oh.
742
00:41:55,726 --> 00:41:57,957
He's still upset because
they took his license away.
743
00:42:00,231 --> 00:42:01,842
Excuse me.
We're closing the kitchen...
744
00:42:01,866 --> 00:42:04,461
in about half an hour
if you still want dinner.
745
00:42:04,502 --> 00:42:06,130
Excuse me, ladies.
746
00:42:06,170 --> 00:42:08,639
We haven't eaten all day.
Oscar, come on.
747
00:42:08,673 --> 00:42:11,507
Felix, where are
your manners, Felix?
748
00:42:11,542 --> 00:42:13,534
Perhaps the ladies
would like to join us...
749
00:42:13,577 --> 00:42:16,069
before they retire to their van.
750
00:42:16,113 --> 00:42:18,206
Yeah, sure, OK.
751
00:42:18,248 --> 00:42:21,616
We'll meet you at the table...
752
00:42:21,651 --> 00:42:23,643
after we freshen up.
753
00:42:24,888 --> 00:42:27,551
Are you crazy?
Two middle-aged bikers.
754
00:42:27,590 --> 00:42:29,855
They're tougher than the guys
we just left in jail.
755
00:42:29,893 --> 00:42:32,624
And have you ever stopped
to think of what we could get?
756
00:42:32,662 --> 00:42:35,791
Lucky is the only word
that comes to mind.
757
00:42:35,832 --> 00:42:38,199
Come on. I'm not going
to let you do this.
758
00:42:38,234 --> 00:42:40,396
Oh, Felix, I know
it's not going to happen.
759
00:42:40,437 --> 00:42:43,372
They'd never even
come up to our room...
760
00:42:43,405 --> 00:42:47,467
and it would take two years
to climb into their van...
761
00:42:47,509 --> 00:42:50,968
and the last thing I want them
to see is our underwear.
762
00:42:51,013 --> 00:42:53,744
Then what are you
doing this for?
763
00:42:53,782 --> 00:42:55,011
To be wanted.
764
00:42:55,050 --> 00:42:58,350
To get close to it
happening one more time.
765
00:42:58,387 --> 00:43:01,118
The wick is almost out, Felix.
766
00:43:01,156 --> 00:43:03,751
All I want is
for the candle to glow...
767
00:43:03,792 --> 00:43:06,022
rather than curse the darkness.
768
00:43:06,060 --> 00:43:07,926
It's not going out, Oscar...
769
00:43:07,962 --> 00:43:10,488
not yours and not mine...
770
00:43:10,531 --> 00:43:14,195
but I still have hope
that out there somewhere...
771
00:43:14,235 --> 00:43:16,295
we'll find
the right lamplighter.
772
00:43:17,605 --> 00:43:19,904
You know, we just used
so many metaphors...
773
00:43:19,941 --> 00:43:22,706
I forgot what the hell
we were talking about.
774
00:43:22,744 --> 00:43:24,007
Good evening.
775
00:43:24,045 --> 00:43:26,014
- Good evening.
- Evening, sir.
776
00:43:26,047 --> 00:43:27,776
You gentlemen here
for the seminar?
777
00:43:27,814 --> 00:43:29,510
What seminar would that be, sir?
778
00:43:29,549 --> 00:43:34,613
Life... does it really have
to end? Dr. John Boxer.
779
00:43:34,654 --> 00:43:36,589
I'm 84 myself.
780
00:43:36,623 --> 00:43:38,868
Dr. Boxer sees no reason
why I shouldn't be around...
781
00:43:38,892 --> 00:43:43,193
to celebrate the year 2020.
Maybe longer.
782
00:43:43,230 --> 00:43:45,028
Seminar ends tomorrow...
783
00:43:45,065 --> 00:43:47,076
but I have to get back
to my home in San Malina...
784
00:43:47,100 --> 00:43:50,002
to celebrate my daughter's
63rd birthday.
785
00:43:50,037 --> 00:43:52,904
San Malina?
That's where we're going.
786
00:43:52,938 --> 00:43:56,306
Well, fancy that.
You gentlemen need a lift?
787
00:43:56,342 --> 00:43:58,243
They tell us
it's a five-hour drive.
788
00:43:58,277 --> 00:44:00,795
You come with me.
789
00:44:00,927 --> 00:44:02,137
I'll have you there
in less than two hours.
790
00:44:02,161 --> 00:44:03,754
We leave at six A.M.
on the dot.
791
00:44:03,796 --> 00:44:06,459
- Six A.M.?
- Sounds great to me.
792
00:44:06,499 --> 00:44:08,798
That's a little early for me.
793
00:44:08,834 --> 00:44:11,269
You'll never live a long life
sleeping late.
794
00:44:11,304 --> 00:44:13,704
I may have
some business tonight...
795
00:44:13,738 --> 00:44:16,173
with friends from Lake Tahoe.
796
00:44:16,208 --> 00:44:19,508
Can you believe
they closed the bar already?
797
00:44:19,544 --> 00:44:23,379
Well, don't worry, honey.
I stay open all night.
798
00:44:27,652 --> 00:44:31,521
I like a quiet man.
Talking always slows things up.
799
00:44:31,556 --> 00:44:35,015
Well...
perhaps I was wrong.
800
00:44:37,228 --> 00:44:41,097
Six A.M. would be rather
early for men like you.
801
00:44:41,131 --> 00:44:43,464
Ladies. Good night.
802
00:44:43,500 --> 00:44:44,468
Bye.
803
00:44:44,501 --> 00:44:46,868
You go to Tahoe.
I'm getting out of here.
804
00:44:46,904 --> 00:44:48,497
Felix! Felix!
805
00:44:48,539 --> 00:44:51,373
Oscar, what are
two wide-awake girls...
806
00:44:51,408 --> 00:44:54,071
going to do
with one hunky, funny guy?
807
00:44:54,111 --> 00:44:56,273
Why don't we all write
a suggestion...
808
00:44:56,313 --> 00:44:58,077
on a piece of paper?
809
00:45:01,751 --> 00:45:04,550
I wish your cute Boy Scout
friend would come back.
810
00:45:04,587 --> 00:45:06,556
I'm just itching to dance.
811
00:45:06,589 --> 00:45:09,058
I'll go get him.
Don't scratch yet.
812
00:45:09,092 --> 00:45:11,254
Thank you, sir.
I'll see you at six.
813
00:45:11,294 --> 00:45:14,196
- That's fine.
- Thanks again.
814
00:45:14,230 --> 00:45:16,859
I'm coming with you.
Just do me one favor.
815
00:45:16,899 --> 00:45:18,077
Come inside and dance for me.
816
00:45:18,101 --> 00:45:19,865
Why would I want
to dance for you?
817
00:45:19,902 --> 00:45:23,599
Because I'm hunky,
and the other one is itchy.
818
00:45:23,639 --> 00:45:25,608
- Oh, my God.
- Please, just dance.
819
00:45:25,641 --> 00:45:27,974
You can call the shots
the rest of the way.
820
00:45:28,010 --> 00:45:30,980
Please, Felix.
821
00:45:31,013 --> 00:45:32,013
Please.
822
00:45:40,722 --> 00:45:42,748
I spent $48...
823
00:45:42,791 --> 00:45:45,726
You're
a very smooth dancer, Oscar.
824
00:45:45,760 --> 00:45:47,422
What's your secret?
825
00:45:47,461 --> 00:45:49,327
Leather soles.
826
00:45:51,766 --> 00:45:53,098
Can't we get closer?
827
00:45:55,002 --> 00:45:56,834
I went to high school
with a boy like you.
828
00:45:56,871 --> 00:45:58,430
Who was he, the principal?
829
00:46:00,241 --> 00:46:03,473
What are you, divorced
or single or what?
830
00:46:03,511 --> 00:46:05,639
Something like that.
831
00:46:05,680 --> 00:46:08,649
If I don't get some sleep...
832
00:46:08,682 --> 00:46:11,345
You have very strong hands.
833
00:46:11,384 --> 00:46:13,080
You work out?
834
00:46:13,119 --> 00:46:16,248
No, but my door
at home gets stuck a lot.
835
00:46:18,525 --> 00:46:19,686
You having fun?
836
00:46:19,726 --> 00:46:23,356
Oh, yeah. I think
I'm stuck to your Velcro.
837
00:46:23,396 --> 00:46:25,092
I like it, I love it...
838
00:46:25,131 --> 00:46:27,066
I want some more of it.
839
00:46:42,815 --> 00:46:46,274
My mama and daddy
tried to teach me...
840
00:46:46,318 --> 00:46:47,217
Someone wants to know...
841
00:46:47,252 --> 00:46:49,915
if there's
a Thelma and Holly here.
842
00:46:49,955 --> 00:46:51,082
What does he sound like?
843
00:46:51,123 --> 00:46:53,251
Drunk and real mad.
844
00:46:53,292 --> 00:46:54,953
Got to go, hon.
845
00:46:54,992 --> 00:46:56,722
Now? We just met.
846
00:46:56,761 --> 00:46:59,993
I know. We'll always
have Santa Menendez.
847
00:47:00,031 --> 00:47:02,000
You never met me.
You never saw me.
848
00:47:02,033 --> 00:47:03,797
You never danced with me.
849
00:47:08,005 --> 00:47:10,941
OK, are you satisfied?
850
00:47:10,975 --> 00:47:14,571
Satisfied is not how
I would describe it.
851
00:47:14,612 --> 00:47:15,636
I love it...
852
00:47:15,680 --> 00:47:17,511
I want some more of it...
853
00:47:17,547 --> 00:47:19,745
I try so hard...
854
00:47:19,783 --> 00:47:21,775
Remember what we
agreed on earlier.
855
00:47:21,818 --> 00:47:24,481
- What?
- I call the shots.
856
00:47:24,521 --> 00:47:27,252
- Oh, yeah, right.
- Ready for lights out?
857
00:47:27,290 --> 00:47:28,553
Yeah, ready.
858
00:47:36,366 --> 00:47:37,664
Oscar, Oscar!
859
00:47:38,802 --> 00:47:40,134
Where are we?
860
00:47:40,170 --> 00:47:43,230
- Where are we?
- Yeah.
861
00:47:43,272 --> 00:47:44,831
We're in a hotel.
862
00:47:44,874 --> 00:47:47,241
I know we're in a hotel,
but where is the hotel?
863
00:47:47,276 --> 00:47:51,111
In California,
one of them "Santa" places.
864
00:47:51,147 --> 00:47:55,243
Oh, God, I woke up, I was lost,
and I got scared.
865
00:47:55,284 --> 00:47:57,981
Did you ever do that,
wake up and get scared?
866
00:47:58,020 --> 00:47:59,215
Yeah.
867
00:47:59,255 --> 00:48:02,316
When I wake up,
and I see you staring at me.
868
00:48:02,358 --> 00:48:05,156
I'm glad you're here, Osc...
869
00:48:05,193 --> 00:48:08,789
'cause I don't mind being alone,
but not in strange places.
870
00:48:08,830 --> 00:48:10,025
Yeah.
871
00:48:10,064 --> 00:48:11,442
I guess it's part
of getting old.
872
00:48:11,466 --> 00:48:13,560
You want to know
how not to feel old?
873
00:48:13,601 --> 00:48:14,762
How?
874
00:48:14,803 --> 00:48:17,602
You hang around with people
who are older than you.
875
00:48:17,639 --> 00:48:19,972
Ha. Thanks, Osc.
876
00:48:20,008 --> 00:48:24,002
You're welcome.
Get some sleep, will you, Felix?
877
00:48:24,045 --> 00:48:26,411
Everything
is gonna be all right.
878
00:48:35,989 --> 00:48:38,288
Hey, how about this?
879
00:48:39,893 --> 00:48:41,623
How about that?
880
00:48:41,662 --> 00:48:44,359
Probably gets
two blocks to the gallon.
881
00:48:44,398 --> 00:48:45,559
Hello, sir.
882
00:48:45,599 --> 00:48:47,727
Glad to see you both
could make it.
883
00:48:47,768 --> 00:48:49,031
Climb in, boys.
884
00:48:51,037 --> 00:48:54,701
Thank you very much.
You certainly are prompt.
885
00:48:54,740 --> 00:48:56,819
There are only four
of these left in the country...
886
00:48:56,843 --> 00:48:58,573
and I own 'em all.
887
00:48:58,611 --> 00:48:59,510
You're a collector?
888
00:48:59,545 --> 00:49:01,844
No, I use the other three
for parts.
889
00:49:01,881 --> 00:49:04,476
Well, hang on
to your hats, boys.
890
00:49:24,669 --> 00:49:27,070
Is this as fast as it goes?
891
00:49:27,105 --> 00:49:29,165
Takes a few minutes
to warm up...
892
00:49:29,207 --> 00:49:31,642
and then we can ride
like the wind.
893
00:50:29,331 --> 00:50:33,462
It's been a half hour,
and the wind is faster than us.
894
00:50:33,502 --> 00:50:36,597
Actually,
we're doing 85 right now.
895
00:50:36,638 --> 00:50:39,574
- I think that's your clock.
- 25.
896
00:50:39,608 --> 00:50:43,636
Don't mind that.
It always breaks down.
897
00:50:43,679 --> 00:50:47,046
Tell me. No offense,
but do you really think...
898
00:50:47,081 --> 00:50:49,949
that we can make
San Malina in two hours?
899
00:50:49,984 --> 00:50:52,647
- Who said that?
- You did last night.
900
00:50:52,687 --> 00:50:56,647
No, no, no. I think
you misunderstood me.
901
00:50:56,691 --> 00:51:01,425
I meant I could make this
5-hour trip seem like two hours.
902
00:51:01,462 --> 00:51:05,593
Take in the scenery, relax,
enjoy being alive and well.
903
00:51:05,633 --> 00:51:09,034
Doing that, I made it back once
in an hour and 20.
904
00:51:16,242 --> 00:51:18,677
Excuse me.
905
00:51:18,712 --> 00:51:21,443
The scent of the trees
and the flowers intoxicates me.
906
00:51:21,481 --> 00:51:25,111
If you're intoxicated,
I'll be the designated driver.
907
00:51:25,151 --> 00:51:27,017
No, no, I'm fine.
908
00:51:37,896 --> 00:51:39,228
Why are we stopping here?
909
00:51:40,399 --> 00:51:42,561
Hello. Are you all right?
910
00:51:44,236 --> 00:51:46,728
Jeez, I...
911
00:51:46,772 --> 00:51:48,240
I think he's asleep.
912
00:51:48,273 --> 00:51:49,901
Why? When was he awake?
913
00:51:49,942 --> 00:51:52,741
All right, move him aside.
I'll drive.
914
00:51:52,778 --> 00:51:54,939
Move him...
What are you waiting for?
915
00:51:54,979 --> 00:51:59,377
He'll wake up, and the snails
will start passing us.
916
00:51:59,497 --> 00:52:00,294
Oh, he won't wake up,
Osc, he's dead.
917
00:52:00,331 --> 00:52:02,800
Dead? How can you tell?
918
00:52:02,834 --> 00:52:05,360
No heartbeat
and no pulse means dead.
919
00:52:05,403 --> 00:52:06,928
I've seen that in the hospital.
920
00:52:06,971 --> 00:52:10,032
Seen what?
You read books and tell jokes.
921
00:52:10,074 --> 00:52:11,652
What the hell do you
want me to do, an autopsy?
922
00:52:11,676 --> 00:52:15,636
I'm telling you,
the man is dead!
923
00:52:15,680 --> 00:52:17,671
At least he went quickly.
924
00:52:17,714 --> 00:52:19,683
You call 12 miles an hour
quickly?
925
00:52:21,752 --> 00:52:22,981
Oh, my God.
926
00:52:23,020 --> 00:52:25,615
Pull his head back in
before a bird sits on it.
927
00:52:30,227 --> 00:52:32,890
Jeez. I knew it.
928
00:52:32,930 --> 00:52:33,954
I strained my neck.
929
00:52:33,997 --> 00:52:35,659
It always happens.
930
00:52:35,699 --> 00:52:39,294
You mean whenever you try
to pull a dead body back in?
931
00:52:39,335 --> 00:52:41,180
Oscar, get out of the car
and push his head back in.
932
00:52:41,204 --> 00:52:42,672
I can't move.
933
00:52:54,584 --> 00:52:56,610
Hey.
934
00:52:56,652 --> 00:52:59,588
This guy is starting
to decompose already.
935
00:52:59,622 --> 00:53:01,887
His hairpiece blew off.
Go get it.
936
00:53:01,924 --> 00:53:05,416
He's dead. Who does he got
to look good for?
937
00:53:05,460 --> 00:53:09,397
Out of respect.
Maybe his family never knew.
938
00:53:09,431 --> 00:53:10,865
Now just go get it.
939
00:53:10,899 --> 00:53:14,028
Keep an eye on him.
940
00:53:20,141 --> 00:53:21,939
Felix.
941
00:53:21,977 --> 00:53:25,538
It's not a hairpiece anymore.
Now it's a nest.
942
00:53:25,579 --> 00:53:27,912
Well, him away.
943
00:53:38,459 --> 00:53:39,586
Ay.
944
00:53:50,970 --> 00:53:52,768
Hey, where did he go?
945
00:53:52,805 --> 00:53:54,000
He's on my lap.
946
00:53:55,742 --> 00:53:57,142
On your lap?
947
00:53:58,378 --> 00:54:02,440
That's not a good position,
because it looks like...
948
00:54:02,482 --> 00:54:05,145
I know what it looks like.
Help me pull him up.
949
00:54:05,184 --> 00:54:07,710
All right, easy, easy.
950
00:54:08,855 --> 00:54:10,687
What the hell was that?
951
00:54:10,723 --> 00:54:14,625
It sounded like a gunshot.
Maybe it's hunting season.
952
00:54:14,660 --> 00:54:17,220
What kind of animals
would they have around here?
953
00:54:23,001 --> 00:54:25,937
Do you believe this?
Get out and get that.
954
00:54:25,971 --> 00:54:28,964
You know,
in the last three minutes...
955
00:54:29,007 --> 00:54:31,977
I've walked more
than we've driven today.
956
00:54:37,181 --> 00:54:38,979
Are you crazy?
957
00:54:39,016 --> 00:54:40,917
I didn't do it, he did.
958
00:54:40,952 --> 00:54:43,046
Check his pulse again.
959
00:54:44,455 --> 00:54:46,754
Here, you take it.
960
00:54:46,791 --> 00:54:48,760
I don't want it.
Put it on his head.
961
00:54:48,793 --> 00:54:51,820
What are you doing?
962
00:54:51,862 --> 00:54:54,024
I gotta get his name
and address, don't I...
963
00:54:54,065 --> 00:54:55,727
so I can tell his relatives.
964
00:54:59,102 --> 00:55:01,901
This should be very interesting.
965
00:55:04,007 --> 00:55:07,239
You can't stop in the road.
Pull the vehicle over, please.
966
00:55:07,277 --> 00:55:09,388
In order to do that,
we'd have to move the driver...
967
00:55:09,412 --> 00:55:11,438
and as you can see, he's...
968
00:55:11,481 --> 00:55:13,473
- Is he sick?
- No.
969
00:55:14,918 --> 00:55:17,285
Is he drunk?
970
00:55:17,320 --> 00:55:19,516
No. Try dead.
971
00:55:24,927 --> 00:55:26,054
How'd this happen?
972
00:55:26,095 --> 00:55:27,586
We don't know.
973
00:55:27,629 --> 00:55:30,463
We think that God just
came down and took him.
974
00:55:30,499 --> 00:55:34,368
I'm gonna have to ask you two
to step out of the vehicle.
975
00:55:36,205 --> 00:55:40,267
So, the man is dead,
and you have his wallet...
976
00:55:40,309 --> 00:55:45,611
riding in an antique car
worth over $150,000?
977
00:55:45,646 --> 00:55:47,046
How do you think this looks?
978
00:55:47,081 --> 00:55:48,481
To you, it looks terrible.
979
00:55:48,516 --> 00:55:51,452
To my mother,
she wouldn't be all that upset.
980
00:55:51,486 --> 00:55:53,978
We didn't kill him,
and we didn't rob him.
981
00:55:54,022 --> 00:55:57,117
You believed us before.
Why don't you believe us now?
982
00:55:57,158 --> 00:55:59,491
Because I didn't expect
you to keep bouncing...
983
00:55:59,527 --> 00:56:02,861
back in here like a beach ball.
984
00:56:02,897 --> 00:56:05,423
And why did you take his toupee?
985
00:56:05,466 --> 00:56:06,489
We didn't.
986
00:56:06,533 --> 00:56:09,435
A truck whizzed by
and blew it off.
987
00:56:09,469 --> 00:56:11,836
Yeah.
I tried to get it back.
988
00:56:11,872 --> 00:56:14,000
A bird sat on it.
989
00:56:14,041 --> 00:56:17,478
I shooed him, and he flew away
with the hairpiece.
990
00:56:17,511 --> 00:56:19,605
You shot him? You had a gun?
991
00:56:19,646 --> 00:56:22,081
No, not shot him. I shooed him.
992
00:56:24,117 --> 00:56:25,745
Then a hunter shot him...
993
00:56:25,786 --> 00:56:28,415
and the bird
fell down on the car...
994
00:56:28,455 --> 00:56:31,618
and the hairpiece fell
on the windshield.
995
00:56:32,992 --> 00:56:34,858
I hope there's
not gonna be a trial...
996
00:56:34,894 --> 00:56:37,420
'cause I'd hate to repeat
that story in court.
997
00:56:43,369 --> 00:56:44,530
OK.
998
00:56:44,570 --> 00:56:48,871
The examination reveals
he died of natural causes...
999
00:56:48,908 --> 00:56:51,377
and his daughter
just informed us...
1000
00:56:51,410 --> 00:56:53,435
that he called last night...
1001
00:56:53,478 --> 00:56:55,913
and said he was gonna
give a lift home...
1002
00:56:55,947 --> 00:56:59,645
to two nice young men
he met at the hotel.
1003
00:57:01,152 --> 00:57:02,814
So once again,
you're out of here...
1004
00:57:02,854 --> 00:57:05,187
but if I see you back here
under arrest...
1005
00:57:05,223 --> 00:57:08,022
I will charge you both
with disturbing the law.
1006
00:57:08,059 --> 00:57:09,670
You mean disturbing
the peace, don't you?
1007
00:57:09,694 --> 00:57:12,755
No, it's only the law
you're disturbing.
1008
00:57:12,797 --> 00:57:15,459
There's a bus that leaves here
in about 20 minutes.
1009
00:57:15,499 --> 00:57:18,196
They make a quick stopover
in San Malina.
1010
00:57:18,235 --> 00:57:21,967
Be on it, get off it,
and stay out of my face.
1011
00:57:22,005 --> 00:57:23,337
- Yes.
- Thank you very much.
1012
00:57:23,373 --> 00:57:24,932
Good.
1013
00:57:51,267 --> 00:57:52,565
Oscar...
1014
00:57:52,602 --> 00:57:56,198
I'm going to say something now
that's going to surprise you.
1015
00:57:57,073 --> 00:58:00,874
Why do you have to introduce
everything you're gonna say?
1016
00:58:00,910 --> 00:58:03,242
It's either, "Oscar,
let me tell you something."
1017
00:58:03,278 --> 00:58:06,680
Or, "You may not like this,
but I'm gonna say it anyway."
1018
00:58:06,715 --> 00:58:08,392
Why don't you just say
it and get it over with?
1019
00:58:08,416 --> 00:58:10,317
Then I can get back
to my racing form...
1020
00:58:10,352 --> 00:58:13,652
and you can start thinking
of the next thing you'll say.
1021
00:58:13,688 --> 00:58:15,088
What is it?
1022
00:58:15,123 --> 00:58:17,683
I actually had a good time
on this trip.
1023
00:58:17,726 --> 00:58:19,718
- You did?
- Yes.
1024
00:58:19,761 --> 00:58:22,595
- As much as World War II?
- No, I mean it.
1025
00:58:22,631 --> 00:58:27,534
Sure, it was dirty and scary
and ugly and expensive...
1026
00:58:27,568 --> 00:58:31,630
but I met a lot of people
I never would have met before.
1027
00:58:31,672 --> 00:58:33,868
I got out of the house,
had an adventure.
1028
00:58:33,908 --> 00:58:36,139
You know,
there's more to life...
1029
00:58:36,177 --> 00:58:38,874
than a job,
dinner alone, and a TV show.
1030
00:58:38,913 --> 00:58:42,543
Do you know I feel younger now
than I have in years?
1031
00:58:42,583 --> 00:58:44,211
Why didn't you
say this last night...
1032
00:58:44,251 --> 00:58:46,584
when we could have used it?
1033
00:59:03,903 --> 00:59:06,395
Oscar!
1034
00:59:06,439 --> 00:59:08,271
Felix.
1035
00:59:08,308 --> 00:59:09,776
- Thelma?
- Hetty?
1036
00:59:09,809 --> 00:59:10,776
Holly.
1037
00:59:10,809 --> 00:59:13,335
Gee, it's nice to see
you girls again.
1038
00:59:13,378 --> 00:59:16,576
What happened to your van?
1039
00:59:16,615 --> 00:59:18,447
We had to dump it.
We were being chased.
1040
00:59:18,483 --> 00:59:20,281
By the police?
1041
00:59:20,319 --> 00:59:21,514
Worse. Our husbands.
1042
00:59:21,553 --> 00:59:24,079
- Your husbands?
- Yeah. We just walked.
1043
00:59:24,122 --> 00:59:25,590
You never said you were married.
1044
00:59:25,624 --> 00:59:27,368
We went to the bank,
we took out half our money...
1045
00:59:27,392 --> 00:59:29,588
and we just hit the road.
1046
00:59:29,628 --> 00:59:32,496
Won't these guys be pretty sore
when they catch up to you?
1047
00:59:32,531 --> 00:59:35,694
Ha, fit to kill!
1048
00:59:35,733 --> 00:59:37,634
Especially since
they found out...
1049
00:59:37,668 --> 00:59:39,899
we were at the hotel
with two men last night.
1050
00:59:39,937 --> 00:59:42,429
- You were?
- They mean us, schmuck.
1051
00:59:42,473 --> 00:59:43,473
Us?!
1052
00:59:45,276 --> 00:59:46,744
What the...
1053
00:59:55,286 --> 00:59:57,277
All right, open up!
1054
00:59:57,320 --> 01:00:00,347
Damn, wouldn't you know it?
They tracked our perfume.
1055
01:00:00,390 --> 01:00:02,188
All right, you stay put.
1056
01:00:02,225 --> 01:00:04,455
There ain't gonna be no trouble.
1057
01:00:04,574 --> 01:00:06,008
Sit tight, people.
1058
01:00:06,043 --> 01:00:08,035
- Oscar.
- Yeah?
1059
01:00:08,078 --> 01:00:09,603
I really have to pee.
1060
01:00:11,448 --> 01:00:15,317
Thelma, the fun's over, baby.
Time to come home.
1061
01:00:15,352 --> 01:00:19,153
Home? That shack
with the whiskey bottles...
1062
01:00:19,189 --> 01:00:20,624
and the bacon strips
on the floor?
1063
01:00:22,425 --> 01:00:26,453
Remember, we don't know them.
We've never even seen them.
1064
01:00:30,066 --> 01:00:31,227
What did you say?
1065
01:00:31,267 --> 01:00:33,793
I honestly can't remember.
1066
01:00:39,275 --> 01:00:41,437
That's them, isn't it?
1067
01:00:41,477 --> 01:00:43,468
Bartender at the hotel
described them.
1068
01:00:43,511 --> 01:00:45,343
A couple of martini drinkers.
1069
01:00:45,380 --> 01:00:46,939
Go.
1070
01:00:46,981 --> 01:00:48,950
Come on, honey.
1071
01:00:48,983 --> 01:00:52,044
Don't want to disturb
the nice people on this bus.
1072
01:00:52,087 --> 01:00:53,055
That's OK.
1073
01:00:53,088 --> 01:00:54,750
I wasn't talking to you,
Martini.
1074
01:00:55,990 --> 01:00:58,186
Come on, baby.
I got some cold beer...
1075
01:00:58,226 --> 01:01:00,161
just waiting for you in the car.
1076
01:01:03,064 --> 01:01:05,862
Come on, boys, let's go.
Don't want to miss the party.
1077
01:01:05,899 --> 01:01:09,802
Well, you see,
we have to go to a wedding.
1078
01:01:09,837 --> 01:01:13,069
A wedding of our...
but thank you all the same.
1079
01:01:15,642 --> 01:01:18,703
You just don't get it, do you?
You are the party.
1080
01:01:24,184 --> 01:01:26,176
Little sister, don't you...
1081
01:01:27,888 --> 01:01:29,062
Little sister, don't you...
1082
01:01:30,423 --> 01:01:31,948
Little sister...
1083
01:01:31,991 --> 01:01:33,755
don't you kiss me
once or twice...
1084
01:01:33,793 --> 01:01:34,803
and say it's very nice...
1085
01:01:34,827 --> 01:01:37,387
We just had an innocent drink...
1086
01:01:37,430 --> 01:01:40,423
and an innocent
couple of dances.
1087
01:01:40,466 --> 01:01:41,798
It was all very innocent.
1088
01:01:41,834 --> 01:01:44,668
Get off
the innocent thing, will you?
1089
01:01:44,704 --> 01:01:46,815
Why would a couple of
beautiful girls like this...
1090
01:01:46,839 --> 01:01:50,071
run off with a couple
of old geezers like us?
1091
01:01:50,109 --> 01:01:53,169
Well, when the goose wants it,
the geese come running.
1092
01:01:53,211 --> 01:01:56,648
We're not geese, geezers.
We're geezers, not geese.
1093
01:01:58,350 --> 01:02:00,785
Hey, Leroy.
Where you want to stop?
1094
01:02:00,819 --> 01:02:03,015
Just over this hill is
a nice stretch of woods.
1095
01:02:03,054 --> 01:02:04,022
That'll do fine.
1096
01:02:04,055 --> 01:02:05,648
Do fine for what?
1097
01:02:06,791 --> 01:02:09,590
Cook us up
a couple of fine geezers.
1098
01:02:11,329 --> 01:02:13,321
Ha! That's funny.
1099
01:02:13,365 --> 01:02:16,459
I'm sorry, fellas, but that
just struck me as funny.
1100
01:02:16,500 --> 01:02:18,867
Goddamn it to hell!
1101
01:02:18,903 --> 01:02:19,903
Damn it!
1102
01:02:22,039 --> 01:02:24,702
Don't worry about it.
I know all of them personally.
1103
01:02:36,153 --> 01:02:38,018
Don't you even want
to talk about it?
1104
01:02:41,291 --> 01:02:42,350
No.
1105
01:02:43,860 --> 01:02:45,021
Ever?
1106
01:02:46,563 --> 01:02:48,225
What's the point?
1107
01:02:48,264 --> 01:02:51,098
No matter what I say,
you two still end up in here.
1108
01:02:51,134 --> 01:02:54,104
Would it be possible
to find out the results...
1109
01:02:54,137 --> 01:02:57,130
of the second race
at Santa Anita?
1110
01:02:57,173 --> 01:02:58,971
I got a trifecta going.
1111
01:02:59,008 --> 01:03:01,306
- A what?
- A trifecta.
1112
01:03:01,343 --> 01:03:03,437
That's where you pick
the three winning horses...
1113
01:03:03,478 --> 01:03:05,174
in the exact order of finish.
1114
01:03:05,214 --> 01:03:08,309
We have a wedding
that we cannot get to...
1115
01:03:08,350 --> 01:03:10,910
and all he's got on his mind
is a trifecta.
1116
01:03:10,953 --> 01:03:13,889
- I'll tell you who won.
- You know?
1117
01:03:13,922 --> 01:03:19,589
Yes. I won.
You're my trifecta.
1118
01:03:19,628 --> 01:03:22,496
The same two men have been
arrested three times...
1119
01:03:22,531 --> 01:03:26,023
for three different crimes,
and all three times by my men.
1120
01:03:26,067 --> 01:03:27,544
You know what the odds are
of that happening...
1121
01:03:27,568 --> 01:03:30,868
at any police station
in the world?
1122
01:03:30,905 --> 01:03:33,875
I would say roughly
twelve million to one.
1123
01:03:35,343 --> 01:03:36,538
And what would it be...
1124
01:03:36,577 --> 01:03:39,342
if it happened
in a small sheriff's office...
1125
01:03:39,380 --> 01:03:43,408
in a little town called
Santa Menendez, California?
1126
01:03:43,451 --> 01:03:46,511
It would be in the trillions.
No bookie would handle it.
1127
01:03:46,553 --> 01:03:49,284
Oscar, of all of
the differences we ever had...
1128
01:03:49,322 --> 01:03:52,383
of all of the fights
that we've ever had...
1129
01:03:52,425 --> 01:03:53,984
of all those petty arguments...
1130
01:03:54,027 --> 01:03:55,791
We can continue talking...
1131
01:03:55,829 --> 01:03:57,764
'cause he's gonna be
on this for a half hour.
1132
01:03:57,797 --> 01:03:58,924
Of all of the times...
1133
01:03:58,965 --> 01:04:02,902
I've wanted to choke you by
the throat, this is the worst.
1134
01:04:02,936 --> 01:04:06,031
If you say trifecta
one more time...
1135
01:04:06,072 --> 01:04:09,236
I'm going to choke you
until you are dead!
1136
01:04:09,276 --> 01:04:12,803
And then that man can arrest me
one more time...
1137
01:04:12,845 --> 01:04:16,338
for one more crime
one more time in his office...
1138
01:04:16,382 --> 01:04:19,511
and he's gonna have a fourfecta!
1139
01:04:19,551 --> 01:04:22,783
So you shut the fuck up,
do you hear me?!
1140
01:04:22,821 --> 01:04:25,222
I think you can get
a fourfecta in Cuba...
1141
01:04:25,257 --> 01:04:27,226
but it's a cigar.
1142
01:04:27,259 --> 01:04:29,558
- Let go of him!
- Sit down, sir!
1143
01:04:29,595 --> 01:04:32,485
Sit down!
1144
01:04:32,563 --> 01:04:33,963
Now!
1145
01:04:33,998 --> 01:04:36,900
Both of you...
1146
01:04:36,934 --> 01:04:39,335
since the ladies already
gave me a statement...
1147
01:04:39,370 --> 01:04:42,807
that you two had nothing
to do with the abduction...
1148
01:04:42,840 --> 01:04:45,571
I have no reason to hold you.
1149
01:04:45,610 --> 01:04:48,011
I'm running for sheriff
next year.
1150
01:04:48,046 --> 01:04:51,380
I can't run on a campaign
of mostly arresting you two.
1151
01:04:51,416 --> 01:04:53,078
I wouldn't advise it, sir.
1152
01:04:53,117 --> 01:04:56,280
If I promise to get you
to San Malina...
1153
01:04:56,320 --> 01:04:59,552
in time for the wedding,
I need your guarantee...
1154
01:04:59,589 --> 01:05:03,754
that you will never come
within 100 miles of this town.
1155
01:05:03,794 --> 01:05:05,888
No, no, 200. Make it three.
1156
01:05:05,929 --> 01:05:09,991
Since it's the first time in
74 years that I've been here...
1157
01:05:10,033 --> 01:05:11,729
the odds against me
coming back...
1158
01:05:11,768 --> 01:05:13,828
Don't finish
that sentence, Oscar.
1159
01:05:13,870 --> 01:05:17,773
All right. Let's go.
1160
01:05:17,808 --> 01:05:19,935
The wedding's at 5:00.
1161
01:05:19,975 --> 01:05:21,553
How are you gonna
get us there in time?
1162
01:05:21,577 --> 01:05:24,240
Just leave that to me.
1163
01:05:24,280 --> 01:05:28,650
I wish you had subways.
I never get lost on subways.
1164
01:05:28,684 --> 01:05:31,279
I'll wait for you.
1165
01:05:32,388 --> 01:05:33,617
They made up?
1166
01:05:33,656 --> 01:05:36,421
Yeah. The boys
will spend a month in jail...
1167
01:05:36,459 --> 01:05:38,724
for using firearms
on a public vehicle.
1168
01:05:38,761 --> 01:05:41,162
- They always get a month.
- "Always"?
1169
01:05:41,197 --> 01:05:42,824
It's the fifth time
they've done this.
1170
01:05:42,864 --> 01:05:45,629
- The fifth time?
- That's a fivefecta.
1171
01:05:45,667 --> 01:05:48,068
There's an airport
about five miles from here.
1172
01:05:48,103 --> 01:05:50,937
You can't land in San Malina,
but there's one in Rockport...
1173
01:05:50,972 --> 01:05:52,736
and it's about
a 20-minute cab drive.
1174
01:05:52,774 --> 01:05:55,209
Rockport. That's a name
I could have remembered.
1175
01:05:55,243 --> 01:05:57,405
The flight will take
about 40 minutes...
1176
01:05:57,445 --> 01:05:59,357
and we'll have this car
drop you off at the airport.
1177
01:05:59,381 --> 01:06:03,341
A police car. Finally,
a ride I can feel safe in.
1178
01:06:03,385 --> 01:06:05,910
I hope you won't
be offended by my saying...
1179
01:06:05,953 --> 01:06:08,115
I hope to God I never see
either of you again.
1180
01:06:08,155 --> 01:06:09,248
Now get out of here.
1181
01:06:09,289 --> 01:06:11,622
If you'd like an endorsement
for your campaign...
1182
01:06:11,658 --> 01:06:12,717
No, thank you.
1183
01:06:14,995 --> 01:06:18,090
Andy, if those guys
commit a triple murder...
1184
01:06:18,132 --> 01:06:19,794
or rob a bank...
1185
01:06:21,235 --> 01:06:23,136
just let 'em go.
1186
01:06:27,007 --> 01:06:30,374
Felix, if some travel agent
booked this trip...
1187
01:06:30,410 --> 01:06:32,436
we could have sued him
for a fortune.
1188
01:06:32,478 --> 01:06:34,504
Everything happens
for a reason, Oscar.
1189
01:06:34,547 --> 01:06:37,176
We're not going through
all this for nothing.
1190
01:06:37,216 --> 01:06:40,618
I have a feeling there's
some divine payoff at the end.
1191
01:06:40,653 --> 01:06:43,646
You want to buy my half?
I'll sell it real cheap.
1192
01:06:43,689 --> 01:06:47,683
Here we are, pal.
We're gonna actually make it.
1193
01:06:47,727 --> 01:06:48,727
Oscar?
1194
01:06:50,662 --> 01:06:53,188
Is that you? It is you.
1195
01:06:53,231 --> 01:06:55,200
- Who's that?
- I don't know.
1196
01:06:55,233 --> 01:06:59,671
I'm Felice Adams,
Blanche's sister.
1197
01:06:59,704 --> 01:07:01,536
Felice.
1198
01:07:01,573 --> 01:07:03,940
Oh, my God,
I didn't recognize you.
1199
01:07:03,975 --> 01:07:05,967
You haven't changed in 30 years.
1200
01:07:06,011 --> 01:07:07,673
Oh, thank you.
1201
01:07:07,712 --> 01:07:10,580
I guess we're both going
to the wedding, aren't we?
1202
01:07:10,615 --> 01:07:12,914
Yeah. Are you here
with your husband Larry?
1203
01:07:12,951 --> 01:07:16,648
No, Barry.
He passed away four years ago.
1204
01:07:16,687 --> 01:07:18,485
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
1205
01:07:18,522 --> 01:07:20,821
You had two little daughters,
didn't you?
1206
01:07:20,858 --> 01:07:22,656
Now two little granddaughters.
1207
01:07:22,693 --> 01:07:25,128
Isn't that something?
1208
01:07:25,162 --> 01:07:28,428
What? Oh, it's my friend
Felix Unger.
1209
01:07:28,466 --> 01:07:31,368
This is Felice.
She's the sister of my ex-wife.
1210
01:07:31,402 --> 01:07:32,495
How do you do?
1211
01:07:32,536 --> 01:07:34,971
- Felix Unger?
- Yeah.
1212
01:07:35,005 --> 01:07:37,098
I remember Blanche
talking about you a lot.
1213
01:07:37,140 --> 01:07:39,609
Oh, well,
I've changed since then.
1214
01:07:39,642 --> 01:07:42,009
- Haven't we all?
- Yeah.
1215
01:07:42,045 --> 01:07:43,308
Flight 27.
1216
01:07:43,346 --> 01:07:46,248
Oh, they're boarding.
Well, see you on the plane.
1217
01:07:49,953 --> 01:07:53,412
Oscar, we have to talk.
1218
01:07:53,456 --> 01:07:54,480
About what?
1219
01:07:54,524 --> 01:07:56,789
On the plane.
1220
01:08:04,279 --> 01:08:06,475
Have a good flight.
1221
01:08:06,515 --> 01:08:07,983
Thank you. You, too.
1222
01:08:08,017 --> 01:08:09,815
Thank you.
1223
01:08:11,620 --> 01:08:14,317
OK. You want to talk, talk.
1224
01:08:14,356 --> 01:08:17,053
Wait till the seat belt
sign is off.
1225
01:08:17,092 --> 01:08:18,856
You can't talk
with your seat belt on?
1226
01:08:18,894 --> 01:08:20,692
What is that, a new federal law?
1227
01:08:20,729 --> 01:08:23,698
When it's on, it can get bumpy.
1228
01:08:23,731 --> 01:08:25,563
I don't want anything
interrupting...
1229
01:08:25,600 --> 01:08:26,898
what I'm going to say.
1230
01:08:40,548 --> 01:08:43,677
It's safe. We're bumpless.
What have you got to say?
1231
01:08:43,718 --> 01:08:45,516
That's her. That's the woman.
1232
01:08:45,552 --> 01:08:46,552
What woman?
1233
01:08:46,586 --> 01:08:49,021
The "somewhere,
some place in this world..."
1234
01:08:49,056 --> 01:08:51,252
"There is the right woman
for me" woman.
1235
01:08:51,291 --> 01:08:52,623
Felice?
1236
01:08:52,659 --> 01:08:55,652
Even the name is right.
Felice, Felix.
1237
01:08:55,696 --> 01:08:58,165
The first three letters
are identical.
1238
01:08:58,198 --> 01:09:00,724
We're matched.
It's like an omen.
1239
01:09:00,767 --> 01:09:03,362
I'm telling you, Oscar,
this is the one.
1240
01:09:03,403 --> 01:09:05,531
That's wonderful, Felix.
1241
01:09:05,572 --> 01:09:07,200
Who's gonna tell her
you're the one?
1242
01:09:07,240 --> 01:09:08,401
Me. I'll tell her.
1243
01:09:08,442 --> 01:09:12,811
With the "somewhere, some place
in this world" speech?
1244
01:09:12,845 --> 01:09:14,780
Give me some credit, will you?
1245
01:09:14,814 --> 01:09:17,283
I've done this ten or twelve
times already, you know.
1246
01:09:17,316 --> 01:09:19,410
You just have to help me
figure out a reason...
1247
01:09:19,452 --> 01:09:21,887
why I should get up
and go sit next to her.
1248
01:09:21,921 --> 01:09:24,618
How about...
1249
01:09:24,657 --> 01:09:26,819
I don't know.
How about your seat is broken?
1250
01:09:26,859 --> 01:09:29,795
No, 'cause I'm a bad liar.
She'll know I'm lying.
1251
01:09:29,829 --> 01:09:32,491
How about if I break your seat?
1252
01:09:32,530 --> 01:09:34,692
Wait, no, forget it.
Wish me luck.
1253
01:09:34,733 --> 01:09:37,225
Are you gonna tell me
what the plan is?
1254
01:09:37,268 --> 01:09:39,499
Just watch me, baby.
1255
01:09:39,537 --> 01:09:41,028
Move your legs.
1256
01:09:45,643 --> 01:09:47,305
Good day for flying, isn't it?
1257
01:09:47,345 --> 01:09:49,109
Yes. Perfect weather.
1258
01:09:53,451 --> 01:09:54,941
Exactly.
1259
01:09:56,954 --> 01:09:58,217
Yeah.
1260
01:10:02,259 --> 01:10:04,125
Some plan.
1261
01:10:11,869 --> 01:10:16,432
If you... you chicken-hearted,
gutless wimp...
1262
01:10:16,473 --> 01:10:19,465
if you don't go back
and sit next to that woman...
1263
01:10:19,509 --> 01:10:22,377
you and I are through.
1264
01:10:22,411 --> 01:10:23,970
Do you hear?
1265
01:10:26,849 --> 01:10:28,249
Now...
1266
01:11:00,782 --> 01:11:04,411
Have a nice chat,
old buddy, pal...
1267
01:11:04,451 --> 01:11:06,818
dear close friend of mine?
1268
01:11:06,854 --> 01:11:09,551
Will you relax?
I just set it all up for you.
1269
01:11:09,590 --> 01:11:11,218
Go on back there and sit down.
1270
01:11:11,258 --> 01:11:12,269
What did you say to her?
1271
01:11:12,293 --> 01:11:14,353
I told her you were
writing an article...
1272
01:11:14,395 --> 01:11:16,557
for the New York Sunday Times...
1273
01:11:16,597 --> 01:11:19,658
about widowed women
and womanless men...
1274
01:11:19,700 --> 01:11:22,966
and that you would like
to ask her a few questions.
1275
01:11:23,003 --> 01:11:24,562
She said absolutely.
1276
01:11:24,605 --> 01:11:26,183
What the hell did you
tell her that for?
1277
01:11:26,207 --> 01:11:28,150
'Cause it's better than you
going into the john...
1278
01:11:28,174 --> 01:11:30,769
and banging on the walls again.
1279
01:11:30,810 --> 01:11:33,370
Are you going, or do I have
to get a food trolley...
1280
01:11:33,413 --> 01:11:35,177
and wheel you over there?
1281
01:11:35,215 --> 01:11:37,081
I'm going, I'm going.
1282
01:11:37,116 --> 01:11:38,209
Good.
1283
01:11:43,523 --> 01:11:44,547
May I?
1284
01:11:44,591 --> 01:11:46,059
Please do.
1285
01:11:46,092 --> 01:11:47,822
Oh, thank you.
1286
01:11:51,496 --> 01:11:53,362
First, I must explain...
1287
01:11:53,398 --> 01:11:55,629
about this article
that I'm writing.
1288
01:11:55,667 --> 01:11:56,726
What article?
1289
01:11:56,768 --> 01:11:59,829
The one that Oscar
told you I was writing...
1290
01:11:59,872 --> 01:12:01,966
for the New York Sunday Times.
1291
01:12:02,007 --> 01:12:03,737
He never told me that.
1292
01:12:03,775 --> 01:12:07,109
He never t... he...
1293
01:12:07,145 --> 01:12:09,410
What was he saying to you?
1294
01:12:09,448 --> 01:12:11,917
That you wanted to meet me
and couldn't think...
1295
01:12:11,950 --> 01:12:14,077
of a good reason
to sit down next to me.
1296
01:12:14,118 --> 01:12:17,316
I said, "Tell him to come over."
1297
01:12:17,355 --> 01:12:19,790
"I'd like to meet him
as well."
1298
01:12:19,824 --> 01:12:21,349
Oh, yeah?
1299
01:12:27,565 --> 01:12:30,000
Ladies and gentlemen,
we should be arriving...
1300
01:12:30,034 --> 01:12:32,697
at Rockport's
Barbra Streisand Airport...
1301
01:12:32,737 --> 01:12:34,399
in about 20 minutes.
1302
01:12:42,812 --> 01:12:45,509
So, how long has your
late husband been deceased?
1303
01:12:45,548 --> 01:12:47,813
Almost four years now.
1304
01:12:47,851 --> 01:12:49,979
He was playing tennis,
had a heart attack...
1305
01:12:50,020 --> 01:12:51,648
was gone like that.
1306
01:12:51,688 --> 01:12:53,782
My last wife
went very quickly, too.
1307
01:12:53,823 --> 01:12:56,383
We seem to have a lot
in common, don't we, Felix?
1308
01:12:56,426 --> 01:12:59,759
I just realized. We practically
have the same name.
1309
01:12:59,795 --> 01:13:02,026
Felix, Felice...
same first three letters.
1310
01:13:02,064 --> 01:13:04,260
- Yeah.
- That occur to you?
1311
01:13:04,300 --> 01:13:06,769
No, but now that
you mention it...
1312
01:13:06,802 --> 01:13:09,738
And the both of you
don't wear glasses.
1313
01:13:09,772 --> 01:13:11,070
That's uncanny.
1314
01:13:14,710 --> 01:13:17,713
Here we are. We're here.
1315
01:13:17,746 --> 01:13:21,444
I swear to you, this is it.
1316
01:13:21,483 --> 01:13:22,973
What a place.
1317
01:13:25,186 --> 01:13:27,087
Right this way, sir.
1318
01:13:27,121 --> 01:13:29,352
His car is here. I... Oh.
1319
01:13:29,390 --> 01:13:31,655
Oh, Oscar, thank God
you're here.
1320
01:13:31,693 --> 01:13:33,992
Hello, Felix.
Oh, what a mess.
1321
01:13:34,028 --> 01:13:35,690
Well, what is it?
What's wrong?
1322
01:13:35,730 --> 01:13:38,529
I can't say it.
Blanche, you tell him.
1323
01:13:38,566 --> 01:13:41,161
It's Brucie. He's gone.
1324
01:13:41,202 --> 01:13:43,330
Gone? Gone where?
1325
01:13:43,371 --> 01:13:45,339
- He disappeared.
- We can't find him.
1326
01:13:45,372 --> 01:13:47,773
He wasn't in his room.
We even called the police.
1327
01:13:47,808 --> 01:13:50,403
All right, all right,
calm down. Don't cry.
1328
01:13:50,444 --> 01:13:52,106
It's bad luck to cry
before a wedding.
1329
01:13:52,145 --> 01:13:53,738
No. It's only bad luck...
1330
01:13:53,780 --> 01:13:55,840
if the groom isn't here
before the wedding.
1331
01:13:55,882 --> 01:13:57,214
Didn't he leave a message?
1332
01:13:57,250 --> 01:13:59,276
Nothing. Not a clue.
1333
01:13:59,319 --> 01:14:02,619
He'll show up.
My kid never ducked anything.
1334
01:14:03,724 --> 01:14:06,819
How's Hannah?
Can I see my daughter, please?
1335
01:14:06,860 --> 01:14:09,795
She's upstairs getting dressed.
I haven't told her.
1336
01:14:09,829 --> 01:14:11,206
What do you mean,
you haven't told her yet?
1337
01:14:11,230 --> 01:14:13,108
Why the hell not?
What are you waiting for...
1338
01:14:13,132 --> 01:14:14,998
the fifth anniversary
of her being alone?
1339
01:14:15,034 --> 01:14:16,662
Don't yell at me!
1340
01:14:16,702 --> 01:14:19,365
I'm not yelling at you!
I'm yelling at the situation!
1341
01:14:19,405 --> 01:14:21,499
God, you haven't changed
in 30 years, have you?
1342
01:14:21,540 --> 01:14:23,008
I don't believe this woman!
1343
01:14:23,042 --> 01:14:26,535
I haven't seen her for
a half a century... 50 years...
1344
01:14:26,579 --> 01:14:29,208
and she's still trying to finish
the last fight we had!
1345
01:14:29,248 --> 01:14:33,241
All right, everybody,
stop behaving like children!
1346
01:14:33,284 --> 01:14:35,048
Oh! Oh!
1347
01:14:35,086 --> 01:14:38,921
We tried to put this wedding
together in three days...
1348
01:14:38,957 --> 01:14:42,758
while you take a casual joyride
in getting here!
1349
01:14:42,794 --> 01:14:44,956
A casual joyride?
1350
01:14:44,996 --> 01:14:47,556
It's always the woman's fault,
right? Right?
1351
01:14:47,599 --> 01:14:51,502
Blanche, stop pointing
your finger and yelling at me.
1352
01:14:51,536 --> 01:14:54,369
You got two other husbands
here to do that with.
1353
01:14:54,405 --> 01:14:56,772
Come on, Felix.
I want to talk to you.
1354
01:14:56,807 --> 01:14:58,969
Oh, Frances!
1355
01:15:00,744 --> 01:15:02,610
How about that Frances?
1356
01:15:02,646 --> 01:15:05,878
I would love to divorce
her again, I swear.
1357
01:15:05,916 --> 01:15:07,327
What do you think
happened to Brucie?
1358
01:15:07,351 --> 01:15:09,684
- I don't know.
- What did you call me out for?
1359
01:15:09,720 --> 01:15:11,586
I thought maybe
you'd have an idea.
1360
01:15:11,622 --> 01:15:13,400
If I had an idea,
I'd have called you out.
1361
01:15:13,424 --> 01:15:14,448
So what do we do?
1362
01:15:14,491 --> 01:15:16,392
Well, we wait and see.
1363
01:15:16,427 --> 01:15:18,554
Worse comes to worse,
we postpone the wedding.
1364
01:15:18,594 --> 01:15:20,222
What do you... postpone?
1365
01:15:20,263 --> 01:15:22,007
I'm not going to have
my daughter humiliated...
1366
01:15:22,031 --> 01:15:24,193
in front of the world
because of your ditzy son.
1367
01:15:24,233 --> 01:15:26,964
Hey, watch what you say
about my son.
1368
01:15:27,003 --> 01:15:29,939
Maybe your Hannah
is the wacky one.
1369
01:15:29,972 --> 01:15:33,340
Hannah, wacky?
My Hannah, wacky?
1370
01:15:33,376 --> 01:15:37,108
Will you stop repeating that?
Sounds like a Hawaiian hotel.
1371
01:15:37,146 --> 01:15:39,377
One of them caused this,
and I don't know which one.
1372
01:15:39,415 --> 01:15:41,781
And I'm saying that
if he breaks her heart...
1373
01:15:41,817 --> 01:15:44,480
that boy is going
to have to deal with me.
1374
01:15:44,519 --> 01:15:47,956
Are you threatening
to get physical with my son?
1375
01:15:47,989 --> 01:15:50,959
If that's what it takes, yes!
1376
01:15:50,992 --> 01:15:53,223
Get your nose off my nose...
1377
01:15:53,261 --> 01:15:56,527
before I sneeze your brains
into a tiny Kleenex.
1378
01:15:56,565 --> 01:15:58,431
That's it, Oscar. That's it!
1379
01:15:58,467 --> 01:16:00,402
They found him!
1380
01:16:00,435 --> 01:16:02,427
They found him!
1381
01:16:02,471 --> 01:16:04,268
They found him.
Oscar, they found him.
1382
01:16:04,305 --> 01:16:06,365
Where? Where?
1383
01:16:07,408 --> 01:16:08,876
Where, for God's sake?
1384
01:16:08,909 --> 01:16:11,435
Do you need assistance?
1385
01:16:18,226 --> 01:16:19,804
That one right
at the end of the hall.
1386
01:16:19,828 --> 01:16:20,955
He's not going anywhere.
1387
01:16:20,996 --> 01:16:21,964
He's not going anywhere.
1388
01:16:21,997 --> 01:16:24,762
All right!
Everybody, please!
1389
01:16:24,800 --> 01:16:27,735
Please, back off!
He's not on the roof...
1390
01:16:27,768 --> 01:16:29,794
because he's anxious
to speak to everyone.
1391
01:16:29,837 --> 01:16:31,032
I'll go alone.
1392
01:16:31,072 --> 01:16:32,540
How will we know
what's going on?
1393
01:16:32,573 --> 01:16:34,735
I'll tell him to talk loud.
1394
01:16:41,916 --> 01:16:44,283
Oh, Brucie. Hi.
1395
01:16:45,586 --> 01:16:46,986
Beautiful day, isn't it?
1396
01:16:48,055 --> 01:16:49,545
Hiya, Pop.
1397
01:16:51,458 --> 01:16:53,067
I hope you don't think
I'm meddling...
1398
01:16:53,093 --> 01:16:56,063
but were you planning on
coming to the wedding today?
1399
01:16:56,096 --> 01:16:58,725
I was thinking about it.
1400
01:16:58,765 --> 01:17:00,233
You're nervous?
1401
01:17:00,266 --> 01:17:02,258
I was thinking I'd be
making a big mistake.
1402
01:17:02,302 --> 01:17:03,998
Oh, yeah? Why is that?
1403
01:17:04,037 --> 01:17:05,835
I don't trust marriage.
1404
01:17:05,872 --> 01:17:07,636
I mean, if you look
at everyone here...
1405
01:17:07,674 --> 01:17:09,370
I mean, look at my own family.
1406
01:17:09,409 --> 01:17:11,741
Mom was married three times.
1407
01:17:11,777 --> 01:17:15,305
You were married one time
and never again for 30 years.
1408
01:17:15,347 --> 01:17:17,339
Hers were too many,
yours were not enough.
1409
01:17:17,382 --> 01:17:19,317
So, tell me,
what is wrong with it...
1410
01:17:19,351 --> 01:17:21,252
that frightens everyone so much?
1411
01:17:21,286 --> 01:17:23,414
I don't know, Brucie.
It's like baseball.
1412
01:17:23,455 --> 01:17:26,482
Either you can play,
or you can't play.
1413
01:17:26,525 --> 01:17:29,120
Your mother could play.
I couldn't play.
1414
01:17:29,161 --> 01:17:32,461
The trouble is your mother kept
getting traded all the time.
1415
01:17:34,600 --> 01:17:36,343
That was not the answer
I was looking for.
1416
01:17:36,367 --> 01:17:38,893
Well, then, why did you wait
so long to ask the question?
1417
01:17:38,936 --> 01:17:41,269
Because it's what I thought
I wanted.
1418
01:17:41,305 --> 01:17:45,709
Now I... I know that
it's not what I want.
1419
01:17:45,743 --> 01:17:46,904
You sure?
1420
01:17:48,412 --> 01:17:50,438
I'm sure.
1421
01:17:50,481 --> 01:17:53,610
Then get out of it.
Don't do it, Brucie.
1422
01:17:53,651 --> 01:17:54,651
You mean it?
1423
01:17:54,685 --> 01:17:56,017
Let me go talk to the others.
1424
01:17:56,053 --> 01:17:57,884
I'll figure
something out to say.
1425
01:18:00,190 --> 01:18:01,783
Pop?
1426
01:18:01,825 --> 01:18:02,825
Dad?
1427
01:18:05,328 --> 01:18:06,819
The thing is...
1428
01:18:10,033 --> 01:18:11,501
I really love her.
1429
01:18:11,535 --> 01:18:13,970
Sure you love her... now.
1430
01:18:14,004 --> 01:18:16,940
You'll have two exciting years
and 45 years of hell.
1431
01:18:16,973 --> 01:18:19,135
- No.
- Trust me, Brucie.
1432
01:18:19,176 --> 01:18:22,270
No. I will always love her.
1433
01:18:22,311 --> 01:18:24,610
She's the best thing that's
ever happened to me, Pop.
1434
01:18:24,647 --> 01:18:28,550
Would you be willing
to gamble your life on that?
1435
01:18:28,584 --> 01:18:30,883
I know I haven't been there
enough for you, Brucie...
1436
01:18:30,920 --> 01:18:33,389
but this is the best advice
I'll ever give you.
1437
01:18:33,422 --> 01:18:36,392
Not getting married today is
the right thing for you to do.
1438
01:18:36,425 --> 01:18:40,021
Maybe it's right for you.
It's wrong for me, OK?
1439
01:18:40,062 --> 01:18:41,963
You go tell everybody
I'm getting dressed.
1440
01:18:43,798 --> 01:18:47,064
Thank God you said that.
I didn't know how long...
1441
01:18:47,101 --> 01:18:49,400
I could keep on talking
like an asshole.
1442
01:18:51,439 --> 01:18:52,907
Thanks, Pop.
1443
01:18:59,847 --> 01:19:02,214
Hey, see you downstairs.
1444
01:19:04,986 --> 01:19:06,545
Go away.
We're not ready yet.
1445
01:19:06,588 --> 01:19:08,522
Not even for your old man?
1446
01:19:08,555 --> 01:19:11,957
Dad? Maria, let him in.
1447
01:19:13,126 --> 01:19:15,186
Oh. Hello.
1448
01:19:15,229 --> 01:19:16,822
OK.
1449
01:19:16,863 --> 01:19:18,559
I come back soon...
1450
01:19:18,599 --> 01:19:21,125
but you a-smudge her dress,
and I kill you, OK?
1451
01:19:30,409 --> 01:19:31,570
Oh, my dear God...
1452
01:19:31,611 --> 01:19:34,547
I've just seen heaven,
and it's in living color.
1453
01:19:34,580 --> 01:19:35,639
Do you like it?
1454
01:19:37,183 --> 01:19:38,151
Can I hug you?
1455
01:19:38,184 --> 01:19:39,743
Yes, you better.
1456
01:19:39,785 --> 01:19:41,879
I would've postponed
if you didn't make it.
1457
01:19:41,921 --> 01:19:43,651
Oh.
1458
01:19:43,689 --> 01:19:46,056
So, have you seen Bruce?
1459
01:19:46,092 --> 01:19:47,720
- Isn't he terrific?
- Oh, boy.
1460
01:19:47,760 --> 01:19:49,888
So, was it a terrible trip?
1461
01:19:49,929 --> 01:19:51,707
Well, if you asked me that
four hours ago...
1462
01:19:51,731 --> 01:19:55,690
I would've said the pits, but
something happened on the plane.
1463
01:19:55,734 --> 01:19:58,602
Suddenly,
everything's coming up roses.
1464
01:19:58,637 --> 01:20:01,539
- You met someone?
- I'll tell you later.
1465
01:20:01,573 --> 01:20:04,202
- No, say.
- I don't want to keep you.
1466
01:20:04,242 --> 01:20:07,337
As a matter of fact,
I can't keep you any longer.
1467
01:20:07,379 --> 01:20:10,076
I'll get it.
1468
01:20:10,115 --> 01:20:12,949
I hope you don't mind me giving
you away dressed like this.
1469
01:20:12,984 --> 01:20:14,384
You look great to me.
1470
01:20:17,521 --> 01:20:20,548
Mr. Unger,
this just came for you.
1471
01:20:20,591 --> 01:20:22,890
Oh, thank you.
1472
01:20:22,926 --> 01:20:25,157
On second thought,
maybe I'll spiff it up a little.
1473
01:20:25,195 --> 01:20:26,195
OK.
1474
01:20:27,798 --> 01:20:28,798
He's very sweet.
1475
01:20:29,900 --> 01:20:30,900
He's my daddy.
1476
01:20:30,968 --> 01:20:33,130
And with the power
vested in me...
1477
01:20:33,170 --> 01:20:35,571
by the state of California...
1478
01:20:35,606 --> 01:20:38,769
I now pronounce you
man and wife.
1479
01:20:38,808 --> 01:20:40,276
You may kiss the bride.
1480
01:20:57,093 --> 01:20:58,618
Isn't this terrific?
1481
01:21:08,704 --> 01:21:10,104
Oh, Pop.
1482
01:21:10,138 --> 01:21:12,004
Hey, Brucie, baby.
1483
01:21:12,040 --> 01:21:14,032
Atta... what a putzie.
1484
01:21:14,076 --> 01:21:18,070
Dad. Don't cry.
1485
01:21:19,414 --> 01:21:22,680
Sweetheart, good luck to you.
Take care of my boy, will you?
1486
01:21:22,718 --> 01:21:24,186
I promise.
1487
01:21:24,219 --> 01:21:26,710
He needs a lot of cereal
in the morning.
1488
01:21:26,754 --> 01:21:29,189
Congratulations, Blanche.
1489
01:21:37,798 --> 01:21:40,290
Are you still allergic
to my perfume?
1490
01:21:40,334 --> 01:21:42,166
No, that's gone.
1491
01:21:42,203 --> 01:21:43,171
It's just...
1492
01:21:43,204 --> 01:21:47,335
It triggered an old memory
in my sinuses.
1493
01:21:55,949 --> 01:21:57,918
Excuse me.
1494
01:22:16,468 --> 01:22:18,494
Isn't she incredible, Pop?
1495
01:22:19,638 --> 01:22:23,006
Yeah.
She's very beautiful.
1496
01:22:25,043 --> 01:22:26,909
Listen, Brucie...
1497
01:22:26,945 --> 01:22:30,643
I want you to take these
for you and Hannah.
1498
01:22:30,682 --> 01:22:32,913
No, Pop.
I know you're strapped for cash.
1499
01:22:32,951 --> 01:22:34,995
Just the gesture... that's
enough for Hannah and me.
1500
01:22:35,019 --> 01:22:38,888
What I have here is not cash.
Please, take it.
1501
01:22:40,625 --> 01:22:41,625
Thanks.
1502
01:22:44,462 --> 01:22:47,728
Baseball cards. You knew
I always used to save these.
1503
01:22:47,765 --> 01:22:51,930
Not those. I've had these
since before you were born.
1504
01:22:51,969 --> 01:22:53,460
These are first editions...
1505
01:22:53,504 --> 01:22:56,565
Mickey Mantle
in his rookie year...
1506
01:22:58,141 --> 01:23:01,441
George Herman Ruth,
sometimes known has Babe Ruth.
1507
01:23:01,478 --> 01:23:05,506
Today, that's worth $22,000.
1508
01:23:05,549 --> 01:23:08,781
No way, Pop.
I can't take these.
1509
01:23:08,819 --> 01:23:12,153
Come on. Hold them
until your kids are 18.
1510
01:23:12,189 --> 01:23:14,954
Maybe it'll buy them
a week or two in college.
1511
01:23:16,593 --> 01:23:18,824
- You're the greatest, Pop.
- Thank you.
1512
01:23:23,499 --> 01:23:27,129
Well, I'm getting tired.
Come on. Walk me in.
1513
01:23:28,204 --> 01:23:30,230
There's no chance of you
moving out here?
1514
01:23:30,272 --> 01:23:32,605
To where?
Santa Jocinta? Melinta?
1515
01:23:32,641 --> 01:23:34,576
Caliente? Malagueña?
1516
01:23:34,610 --> 01:23:36,087
I'm not going to learn
a new language...
1517
01:23:36,111 --> 01:23:37,909
just to find my way
home at night.
1518
01:23:40,483 --> 01:23:43,850
I don't get around much anymore.
1519
01:23:43,885 --> 01:23:47,822
Boy, it feels good to be
in clean pajamas again?
1520
01:23:47,856 --> 01:23:50,917
My God, was that a wedding?
Ha ha!
1521
01:23:50,959 --> 01:23:54,191
I am so glad the kids
loved the silver tray.
1522
01:23:54,229 --> 01:23:56,926
You know, Osc, you never
told me what you gave them.
1523
01:23:56,965 --> 01:23:59,264
Not that it's any
of my damn business.
1524
01:23:59,300 --> 01:24:03,761
Felix, tomorrow night,
I'll be sleeping in my own bed.
1525
01:24:03,805 --> 01:24:05,706
It's not a great bed,
but I love it...
1526
01:24:05,740 --> 01:24:08,436
because it never talks
during the night.
1527
01:24:08,475 --> 01:24:11,172
Oh, I'm sorry, Osc.
1528
01:24:11,211 --> 01:24:15,148
It's just, you know,
it may be another 17 years...
1529
01:24:15,182 --> 01:24:16,878
before we see each other again.
1530
01:24:16,917 --> 01:24:18,749
That's a date.
1531
01:24:18,785 --> 01:24:20,253
Let me tell you...
1532
01:24:20,287 --> 01:24:23,223
Felix, please!
1533
01:24:23,257 --> 01:24:26,819
We got to be on
that airport bus at nine A.M.
1534
01:24:26,860 --> 01:24:28,851
I gotta get some sleep.
1535
01:24:28,895 --> 01:24:31,490
I forgot to tell you.
No bus.
1536
01:24:31,531 --> 01:24:34,330
Lise has hired a limo
to take us to the airport.
1537
01:24:34,367 --> 01:24:35,596
Who's Lise?
1538
01:24:35,635 --> 01:24:38,070
Felice.
I started calling her Lise.
1539
01:24:38,104 --> 01:24:39,572
She call you "Lix"?
1540
01:24:39,605 --> 01:24:42,074
Another thing.
I'm not going back to New York.
1541
01:24:42,108 --> 01:24:44,373
I'm going to spend
some time up in San Fran.
1542
01:24:44,410 --> 01:24:47,471
San Fran?
Lix and Lise in San Fran?
1543
01:24:47,513 --> 01:24:49,243
What the hell's going on?
1544
01:24:49,282 --> 01:24:51,308
Who knows?
I may spend just a few days...
1545
01:24:51,350 --> 01:24:53,147
or I may spend
the rest of my life.
1546
01:24:53,184 --> 01:24:54,777
We really hit it off.
1547
01:24:54,819 --> 01:24:57,050
I've heard you say that before.
1548
01:24:57,088 --> 01:24:59,088
This may be the last time
you hear me say that.
1549
01:24:59,124 --> 01:25:02,060
I hope so. I really do.
1550
01:25:02,093 --> 01:25:04,062
Boy, am I exhausted.
1551
01:25:07,365 --> 01:25:08,526
G.n.
1552
01:25:08,567 --> 01:25:10,229
G.n.?
1553
01:25:10,268 --> 01:25:11,824
Good night.
1554
01:25:16,728 --> 01:25:20,597
Gate 46.
Where is that?
1555
01:25:20,632 --> 01:25:22,362
That's down at that end.
1556
01:25:22,400 --> 01:25:24,164
We're at the other end.
1557
01:25:24,202 --> 01:25:25,465
Oh.
1558
01:25:27,205 --> 01:25:29,174
Felix, I'll change your ticket.
1559
01:25:29,207 --> 01:25:31,574
Give you and Oscar
a chance to say good-bye.
1560
01:25:31,609 --> 01:25:34,670
What?
Oh, yeah. Thanks.
1561
01:25:34,712 --> 01:25:37,477
Bye, Oscar.
Have a wonderful flight.
1562
01:25:37,515 --> 01:25:40,313
You too, Lise.
1563
01:25:40,350 --> 01:25:42,444
I'll be right there.
1564
01:25:42,486 --> 01:25:43,545
She's very nice.
1565
01:25:43,587 --> 01:25:46,716
Yeah. Hey.
1566
01:25:46,757 --> 01:25:49,226
Looks like she's
got a lot of dogs.
1567
01:25:49,259 --> 01:25:50,999
You're going to be
walking a lot of dogs.
1568
01:25:51,028 --> 01:25:52,621
You think I'm making a mistake?
1569
01:25:52,663 --> 01:25:56,100
I don't give out that advice
twice on the same weekend.
1570
01:25:56,133 --> 01:25:59,433
This could be
my last chance, you know?
1571
01:25:59,469 --> 01:26:01,664
I really want to give It
a good try.
1572
01:26:04,840 --> 01:26:07,332
I wish you the best, Felix.
1573
01:26:07,376 --> 01:26:08,742
You do?
1574
01:26:08,778 --> 01:26:11,111
Of course, my best
doesn't always mean much.
1575
01:26:11,147 --> 01:26:13,639
It does to me, Oscar.
1576
01:26:21,757 --> 01:26:23,089
OK, Felix.
1577
01:26:23,125 --> 01:26:24,956
Felix, that's enough.
1578
01:26:24,993 --> 01:26:28,293
Felix, stop it. She's gonna
think we had something going.
1579
01:27:00,828 --> 01:27:02,592
Here we go.
1580
01:27:02,630 --> 01:27:06,067
Who gets the bagel
with the tofu cream cheese?
1581
01:27:06,100 --> 01:27:07,500
That's mine.
1582
01:27:07,534 --> 01:27:09,799
Millie, here we go.
1583
01:27:09,836 --> 01:27:11,304
Thank you, darling.
1584
01:27:11,337 --> 01:27:14,569
You're welcome.
And I have here...
1585
01:27:14,607 --> 01:27:17,839
a soybean facsimile
corned beef sandwich.
1586
01:27:17,877 --> 01:27:20,039
That's me. Thanks.
1587
01:27:20,079 --> 01:27:21,604
Are you in this game, Oscar?
1588
01:27:21,648 --> 01:27:24,846
Can a duck swim?
For 20 cents, I'm in.
1589
01:27:24,884 --> 01:27:26,477
You didn't look at your cards.
1590
01:27:26,519 --> 01:27:28,920
At these prices,
I'll take the plunge.
1591
01:27:32,625 --> 01:27:35,594
This cheesecake
is hard as a rock.
1592
01:27:35,627 --> 01:27:37,994
That's the wax model
they keep in the window.
1593
01:27:38,030 --> 01:27:40,829
If you like the way it looks,
I'll order it.
1594
01:27:40,866 --> 01:27:44,064
Tell us about the wedding.
What did they serve?
1595
01:27:44,102 --> 01:27:45,764
Veal Alphonso.
1596
01:27:45,804 --> 01:27:47,397
How do they make that?
1597
01:27:47,439 --> 01:27:50,603
A guy name of Alphonso
comes in early...
1598
01:27:52,544 --> 01:27:54,911
I'll get it.
1599
01:27:54,946 --> 01:27:56,675
That's the pizza I ordered.
1600
01:27:56,714 --> 01:27:57,682
For tonight?
1601
01:27:57,715 --> 01:27:59,206
No, from before the wedding.
1602
01:27:59,250 --> 01:28:01,048
I forgot to cancel it.
1603
01:28:01,085 --> 01:28:02,553
Coming. Coming.
1604
01:28:06,357 --> 01:28:08,155
Hiya, Osc.
1605
01:28:08,192 --> 01:28:10,787
I... I was in the neighborhood...
1606
01:28:10,828 --> 01:28:12,694
so I just thought I'd drop in.
1607
01:28:12,730 --> 01:28:18,033
What a surprise.
Is Felice with you?
1608
01:28:18,069 --> 01:28:21,470
No. It didn't work out.
1609
01:28:21,504 --> 01:28:25,100
That woman left her clothes
lying all over the floor.
1610
01:28:25,141 --> 01:28:27,701
She was always
running out of towels...
1611
01:28:27,744 --> 01:28:30,213
and bobby pins in the bed.
1612
01:28:30,246 --> 01:28:32,181
Now, come on,
I could not hack that.
1613
01:28:32,215 --> 01:28:33,308
Am I disturbing you?
1614
01:28:33,350 --> 01:28:36,047
No. Come on in, Felix.
1615
01:28:44,960 --> 01:28:47,589
Girls, this is
the father of the bride...
1616
01:28:47,629 --> 01:28:49,154
my friend Felix Unger.
1617
01:28:49,198 --> 01:28:51,531
These are
my poker-playing buddies.
1618
01:28:51,567 --> 01:28:53,502
I hope I'm not
interrupting the game.
1619
01:28:53,535 --> 01:28:56,972
No.
My goodness, not at all.
1620
01:28:57,005 --> 01:28:59,998
It's a distinct
pleasure to meet you.
1621
01:29:00,042 --> 01:29:02,443
I can't see him.
Is he cute?
1622
01:29:02,478 --> 01:29:05,311
Girls, would you
excuse us for a minute?
1623
01:29:05,346 --> 01:29:06,871
I have to speak to Felix.
1624
01:29:06,914 --> 01:29:10,510
Please excuse us.
Can I have a word with you?
1625
01:29:10,551 --> 01:29:13,020
Can you believe it?
We'll never play.
1626
01:29:14,589 --> 01:29:15,750
Felix...
1627
01:29:17,425 --> 01:29:18,950
what's with the suitcases?
1628
01:29:20,161 --> 01:29:23,097
Oh, I gave up
my apartment in New York.
1629
01:29:23,131 --> 01:29:24,724
To live in Sarasota?
1630
01:29:24,766 --> 01:29:27,099
They got hospitals
in Sarasota, too.
1631
01:29:27,135 --> 01:29:31,094
Are you planning
to move in with me again?
1632
01:29:31,138 --> 01:29:33,403
Because you know it didn't
work out the last time.
1633
01:29:33,440 --> 01:29:37,104
No. This is just until
I find my own place.
1634
01:29:37,144 --> 01:29:42,208
Of course, we could save money
by splitting expenses.
1635
01:29:42,249 --> 01:29:44,377
Nothing has changed,
I'm still a pig.
1636
01:29:44,418 --> 01:29:46,512
You're still
a human vacuum cleaner.
1637
01:29:46,553 --> 01:29:50,649
I know, so if you don't think
it'll work just say no.
1638
01:29:50,690 --> 01:29:52,749
No.
1639
01:29:53,759 --> 01:29:55,921
OK.
1640
01:29:55,961 --> 01:29:57,930
So I'll go.
1641
01:30:07,873 --> 01:30:10,502
I didn't say go, I said no.
1642
01:30:14,245 --> 01:30:17,306
All right.
Give it a try for a few weeks.
1643
01:30:17,348 --> 01:30:19,510
But the minute you start
matching up my socks...
1644
01:30:19,551 --> 01:30:21,076
we call it quits.
1645
01:30:21,119 --> 01:30:24,089
It's a deal.
You go back to your game.
1646
01:30:24,122 --> 01:30:27,024
I'm just going to hang up
a few things.
1647
01:30:27,058 --> 01:30:30,495
He looks so sweet.
1648
01:30:30,528 --> 01:30:35,296
If he's looking,
I've got a spare bedroom.
1649
01:30:35,333 --> 01:30:36,528
Yeah.
1650
01:30:36,568 --> 01:30:39,435
Ladies, it's possible
that in five weeks...
1651
01:30:39,470 --> 01:30:42,565
you'll all be moving out
of Sarasota, Florida.
1652
01:30:42,606 --> 01:30:44,939
Whose bet is it?
1653
01:30:44,975 --> 01:30:46,603
- Not mine.
- Not mine.
1654
01:30:46,643 --> 01:30:48,908
Don't mind me, folks.
I was just...
1655
01:30:48,946 --> 01:30:51,745
Excuse me.
Is this yours here?
1656
01:30:51,782 --> 01:30:53,842
- Oh, thank you.
- That's all right.
1657
01:30:53,884 --> 01:30:56,683
Boy, that sandwich is
looking a little limp.
1658
01:30:56,720 --> 01:30:58,518
I could retoast that for you
in a second.
1659
01:30:58,555 --> 01:31:00,716
- Really?
- Oh, yeah.
1660
01:31:00,756 --> 01:31:03,783
- I wouldn't mind.
- No problem at all.
1661
01:31:03,826 --> 01:31:05,920
Thank you.
1662
01:31:05,962 --> 01:31:11,373
This is the biggest goddamnedest
déjà vu anybody has ever had!
1663
01:31:11,397 --> 01:31:16,405
Can we play cards here,
please, for crying out loud?
122907
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