Original subtitles

Come on, baby, you know you and Veronica want it.

Lil Fred's Big Dick in ya. How about a little menage a trois baby?

- Damn, not again, my freaking wifi is out. - Isn't that what you use

that pathetic nerd for next door? The 28 year old who still

lives with his parents? - I'm not exactly using him.

Do you pay him for his help?

- Not exactly. - Then it's using him.

- I know he watches from his window. He's probably watching right now. - Gimme a show. Yeah,

- Come on, let's let's give him a show. You want to? - Show?

- Come on, show me up. - Okay. Show for me, yeah. I knew you wanted it.

Yeah, rub those tits.

Oh yeah, baby. It's here.

I swear you, it happens to all guys in the morning.

Mister, I see a lot of crazy shit every day, but this takes the cake.

- Sign here, please. Holy shit. That thing is huge.

Forget about the signature. I'll leave the penis

I mean package, here. - Sorry.

Yes.

I love you too, baby.

Yeah, me horny too.

- Fucking love you long time. - Did you remember to bring Fred's gift?

Well, of course, dear. How could I forget?

Sure we shouldn't call first? I hate going to places unannounced.

Oh no, we're his grandparents. He'll be thrilled to see us.

Yeah, you like that?

Let's go see your secret love. I mean, tech support.

- He lives in the basement. So let's just go for dinner. - Okay.

- Honey, shouldn't we knock first? - Nah. Let's just go on in and surprise him.

- It's his birthday after all. - Okay.

Yeah. Oh yeah, Veronica.

Yeah. Yeah, you like that.

Grandma and Grandpa? What are you doing here?

Atta boy. Show that girl how it's done.

It's not what it looks like.

We're here to surprise you for your birthday.

Holy crap. What's going on here?

Veronica? What are you doing here? What's she doing here?

- Oh my, you've got a boner. - Well, I can't help it. It's my Viagra kicking in.

It reminds me of my time in Vietnam.

Fred I just stopped by, because I needed help with Wi-Fi.

- But I see, you're busy, We'll be back. - Happy birthday, Freddy.

Mom, dad. Does no one knock around here.

Oh my God, what is going on here?

It's not what it looks like.

Wow, so worthy of tagging. This is so going on Facebook, loser.

Could this day get any worse?

It's time to have a little party. You know what I'm talking about, come here.

You show me what you can do. Here we go.

Yeah, I want to see that. I want to see you start playing with each other.

I've got a chop working right here

with your fucking mouths all over it. I swear to God.

I'm going to bend you over, then teach you a little lesson.

Somethign your old Daddy might have spanked you but I'm going to show you

what Daddy really should have done. Well, maybe not it's

illegal, but trust me. I'm going to slam it home and show

you how useless you really fucking are.

Come over to Daddy. I'm going to show you what's up.

Come on. Give me some fucking sugar. Oh, fuck yeah.

Fucking shit. Now we're talking.

Sit on my fucking face.

Look at that piece of ass right over there. Great. Akiza, meet my friend.

Yeah so much. So 20 large says, she's coming home with me tonight.

20 grand? Deal.

You're a dirty cocksucking whore.

Excuse me. You just called me a whore and walked away.

My mistake wrong person. I'm sorry, but I have a nice day.

Bartender, vodka rocks, please.

Is everything okay? Looks like you just had a break up.

I'll be fine. I'm a jet fighter pilot in the military

and I just found out that my ex-girlfriend has

been cheating on me the entire time I've been on tour.

- That's horrible. - Yeah, and I lost a lot of good guys over there

and I just...

Poor thing. Is there anything I can do? I mean, I just I don't think I

should be alone and I just saw her over there and I really can't be here.

Do you want to just come back to my place and have a drink?

- Absolutely. - Okay, let's get out of here.

Well, somehow we're going to come up with this money.

Yeah, well my teacher's salary's not going to do that. You have to get a job.

It's been two years. Come on. Well, I'm trying, you know I'm trying.

- Guess. - We have to sign this.

- I'm not signing that. - Morning.

Mom, Dad. Have you seen my package anywhere? I've been

looking everywhere and I can't find it. - Good morning. Fred.

You mean your blow-up doll, son? Yeah, your grandpa, came through here earlier.

He carried something on his way out.

Might want to go check with him.

Oh baby. I love you. This is just like Vietnam all over

again.

- There's something we need to talk to you about. - What's wrong?

- It's not about last night, is it? It's not. This is really serious.

We need a minute to tell you what happened.

Just tell him, there's no easy way to say it. Just say it.

Well broker just tanked, house payment is do, and we're going to lose this house.

Oh my God. That's horrible.

Is there anything I can do?

We're going to lose the house in 30 days, if we don't come up with $250,000.

It's going to be fine. We'll make it through, trust us.

Thanks for coming over, guys. I've had a pretty horrible day.

Sorry to hear about your parents' financial problems, my friend.

Yeah, man, that shit sucks. I bet if we got creative

we could help you solve them problems, and I've got just the

right team to spark some creativity. I've got

Sour Diesel, white Russian, Fruity Pebbles and the red dragon.

- You have the red dragon? - Just give me the

stronger stuff you have. Man, I have to make five thousand

dollars into a quarter million in 30 days.

Red dragon it is.

I've got it, guys.

We rob a bank on fucking camels. Fucking camels.

- The fuck, we going to get the camels from? - I forgot we are

not in India anymore.

- We could have a big sale. - You know how many fucking cookies, you'd

have to sell to make a quarter million.

I've got it. Make a Porno, young. The girls in America, put the mouth on the penis.

Oh, I've never felt such a good thing before.

But how are we gonna make a porno if none of us can get laid?

That's right. I've never had vagina in my whole life. That's why I

came to America. - I've got it. We take your $5,000 to the

newest casino, but it all on black. Yeah, man. I'm really stoned.

But that sounds like a really good idea.

Awesome, My dear black magic.

- Let's do this. Let's do it right now. - Always bet on black.

Let's do it, my friends.

Yo, Alex, I'm on my way to the chopper now. We'll pick up that

white bitch.

Deal.

Let's go drop this shit off. I don't want to fucking deal with this bullshit

the feds coming around. - We gotta get a move on this shit.

- We still got to take care of those movies tonight.

Fucking movie is pissing me off.

- Hey, what's up, Alex? - I just want to say, I thanks a lot.

You know, Nico and I are real appreciative of the little donation

you made of two million yayos to our charity fund, you fucking

punk.

Two million bitch. Where the fuck is my money?

- You're fucking late motherfucker. - Oh, don't get all hurt. Come on,

don't be sore about it. You knew we weren't going to pay you from

the get-go. You stupid fuck.

You're fucking dead, you motherfucking bitch.

The nerve of this guy. Fucking piss poor attitude.

Well, looks like I got some guests a little bit. Take care of them

just like we do everybody else.

- I need a $5,000 chip. - You sure sir?

- Here's your $5,000 chip. Good luck. - 5000 on black.

Player bets 5000 on black.

Player wins. Player wins again. Player wins. Player wins again.

Player wins $250,000.

My friends, I cannot believe, you won a quarter of a million

dollars playing roulette. - The best day of my life, you're right.

I know he just saved my parents house, dude.

- Oh my God, y'all. This is such exciting news. - You still want to rob a

bank on a fucking camel? - No, my friend, but I want to fuck a

girl on a camel hump.

One American dollar is 50 rupees. We are rich.

Make it rain.

My beautiful. I've drank so much alcohol tonight, but you

are the most beautiful woman I've ever seen.

I have four inches of Hard Rock. Hard Rock in my culture wrote

the Kama Sutra. I love you.

- Cheers. - Here's to saving my house

Quarter of a million dollars.

- So what's your favorite color? - I like black and green.

- You look like you're about empty. - Well, I've got a lot of black.

- Hmm and some green. - Oh, I love America. I love vagina.

I love America.

Have you ever fucked on a camel before?

What the fuck happened? Black Magic, Fred wake up.

- Fuck you doing in here. - What the fuck, man?

I think I got fucked in the ass by a chick with a dick.

Won my parents house.

Where's that money? What did we spend...

Dude, the money's gone?

It's fucking gone.

Fred, I'm sorry, but before I passed out last night, I saw

those bitches leave with the bag and they drugged me, my friend.

They drugged me. I'm sorry for inviting that bitch.

Are ypu fucking kidding? Let's go get fucking security.

Maybe we can catch them.

Twenty large says, you can't clear that bunker and hit the fairway.

Yeah, man. Watch this shit.

No fucking way man. Get out of here. I would pay the piper

Brothers. Let me see those 20.

So really bad, I can't believe you want it. This is the biggest

piece of crap. I've had all week. You haven't noticed, I

still got some pretty mad game. - You and your freaking game.

Watch that oboe smartass. Here's the 20 from the other bet and

the 20 you won the other night. I hope you're happy.

It's really not cool.

Thanks. It's been a pleasure doing business. All right, smartass.

I've got another deal for you. How do you feel about upping the ante

this time? - What'd you have in mind, Alex?

Cool Mil. Million Dollar Bet, you and Me. 1 million dollars?

Million dollar says, that I can sleep with 30 girls in 30 days.

Ha ha. No way. You think, I'm a moron? Come on, bud.

- That's what we do. We're pickup artists. - I know.

I tell you what, I've got an idea. I'll bet you

1 million dollars that you can't take some douche bag that I

pick up and teach him how to pick up 30 girls in 30 days.

So you want to take out some chud from his mom's basement.

Then have me teach him how to sleep with 30 girls in 30 days?

- That's exactly what I'm talking about. - All right. I like the concept of it all.

There's only one problem, which is that if you pick some chud

who, you know, literally beats off to a Sears catalog then I'm

up shit's creek. These guys've got no hope. - Here's what we're

going to do. I'm going to pick out three guys.

- You can veto two. - Okay. I like where this is going.

1 million dollars. - So I get two vetoes, whichever I want

and then the third one sticks? That's the deal for a mil.

- You just gave me a million bucks, my friend. - We'll see about that.

Easiest money I ever made.

Alex, my friend. You've already vetoed two of my three picks.

- Haha. You know what that means? - Knock it off, Chuckles. All I can see here

is all the tool jobs I got rid off. So they no way I'm

going to lose this thing. My friends, I cannot believe we

lost $5,000. - Let's watch some titties.

- Oh my god, I've never seen boobs before.

Never have I beheld such magnificent things.

You gotta be shitting me.

- No, come on. There's no way. - Kindly invite that

gentleman over to our table. - Son of a bitch.

My boss wouldlike to invite you over, to have a drink with them.

Sit right down here.

- My name is Nico. - Hey, my name's Fred. - Very nice to meet you,

- Freddie. I'm Alex. - Hey, how's it going guys?

- Freddy, you want a drink? So Fred you like girls? - Of course, I do.

- What kind of question's that? - That's a good kind of question.

Because how would you like to make a quarter million dollars?

Sleep with 30 girls in 30 days.

- It's no joke, Fred. - Me?

- Right, there's no laughing going on here. This is serious, all right.

We make bets like this all the time. We bet on golf, we bet on anything.

- All right. You like that champagne? - That's delicious.

- $5,000 a glass. - Are you kidding me?

Well, I'm not kidding. You know, you spit all over the floor.

All right. So here's the deal. We got a combined net...

...worth of a hundred million dollars. - What do you guys do?

- Go ahead and tell him. - We're in the waste management business.

- So you got some junk yards? - Yeah, something like that.

Yeah, you got that.

- So to show you that we're serious, why don't you come for

a ride with us? And we'll give you a 10 Gs just for coming

in the car with us. Ten thousands?

- Yeah, will that help you? - It's a lot more than I lost, yeah.

Good. We'll give you 10 G's you come for a ride

and we'll discuss this a little bit more.

You yeah, God, you're making me crazy.

There are some loaded guys in here tonight. Let's make our rounds, girl.

- Let's do it. Cheers. - Whose place is this?

- Fred? This is our place. - Who the fuck you think belongs here?

We do. This is our joint, man. Enjoy the party.

Somebody in there. I want you to meet it. She'll take care of you.

- Don't worry about it, kid. - This place is huge.

We have plenty of broads, plenty of beer, plenty

of pussy. Don't worry about it. Let's go.

Get the fuck out of here.

- What the fuck? - Go fuck yourself.

- Hey, Freddy boy, you like the 10 grand. I gave you? - Yeah.

Here's a million dollars. What do you think about that stuff? Like that?

- Never seen that much money. - Don't grow too attached to that.

You still gotta sleep with 30 girls in 30 days.

So, Freddy boy, what I want you to do, is sleep with 30 girls in 30 days, a quarter of

this is all yours. So why don't you think about it, while

he and I go party with these fine ladies right here, and then you

can give us your answer in the morning. How about that?

- I need that money. - I don't care what you need. I just know you're

going to think about it, while we fuck, and we'll call it a day.

Hey Fred, this is Britney.

- Hey, I'm Fred. - Nice to meet you,

Fred and I do business together. He's an associate of ours. I'd like you to take care of him

and make sure he has a really good time tonight. - I can do that.

So, here's the scene, where the house looks

good and all. But now, I want to show you where the magic

really happens. Let's go up the stairs and I'll show you, where it all goes down.

I build replicas of the space shuttles. I have all

of them done.

- I'm gonna go, Loser. See ya. - You don't like space? It's the next Frontier.

- Fuck you. You like that shit. - Am I interupting?

What's up, buddy? How you doing?

- Have a killer hangover. - Have a handover, huh?

What'd you think about the bet that I talked to you about the other night?

I'll take it. I need the money. I need a quarter

million to save my parents business.

- Are you gonna call me? - I'm going to call you like your daddy called you when he

went to get a pack of smokes and never came back. So anyway,

here's the deal. Freddy boy. You like the offer? How'd it

work out with that broad last night, that I'd set you up with?

Don't think it went well. I don't remember much but I woke

up in the pool this morning. - So you don't know if you sealed the deal?

- But you down for this bet? - Yeah. - Well, I like that.

So why don't we shake on it, okay. All right, you need the money.

- I do. - I'd like to help you get that money.

Now, the first thing is we've got a big problem.

You look like a giant fucking chode with that goddamn t-shirt and the way you dress.

So, the first thing, yeah, it is

pathetic. It's like 1970s fuck, you know, the Muppets.

- I like the Muppets. - I don't give a shit.

So what we're gonna do is we're gonna take you out and get you

some new clothes, teach you to not dress like a tool job.

And maybe we'll get you laid. But hang on. Let me call Nico right now

and tell him you're game.

One second.

Hey, bud. Guess what? Freddy boy over here. Is game for

our little wager, we've got going. Yep. We start immediately,

as of now. Just got to get this kid some freaking clothes. Holy shit.

Hey Perry, excellent work on that last assignment.

Good, bud. Glad you liked it.

Do you have my money?

- $20,000 as promised. It's all there. - As usual. So much. So what's new?

Actually there is another little project you can help me out with.

- Yeah. - I've got a million dollars on the line,

that this douchebag Fred can't sleep with 30 girls in 30 days.

- Wow. Okay. - Here's what I need from you. I need to hound this

man. I want you to be my eyes and ears. You tell me every

single time. He's with a broad, every place he goes.

- Every minute of every day. - I'll be on him like flies on shit.

I'm going to follow him everywhere he goes. Cameras everywhere,

especially in the bedroom. I'll tap all of his lines.

I'm the man, for the job. I'll put my full attention to it. You know,

I'm the best in the business. - So you can take care of this for me?

- Bet. Put my full attention to this. - Get started right now. Don't fuck this

up.

I don't know. We could go to Quinton.

Girls, you look so beautiful. Beautiful eyes. You wanna come back to my place.

- Serious? - No, no way.

- Just get away. - You just killed our future children.

How bad do you want this money, Fred? Because that was the most

disappointing thing I've ever seen in my life. Seriously,

like honest, I should just kill you now and go find some other

giloot to fucking make this thing happen, right?

You kill me, slowly. Hey, did you fall from Heaven?

Are you kidding me?

Really? Did you fall from Heaven? What are you fucking

stuttering, all of a sudden. - I'm nervous. -What is wrong with you?

- Pull your shit together. - My night's on Broadway.

This guy from Tibet, he gave me this really great wisdom, and I

wanted to tell you, he told me that the thing between your

legs is what I should have for dinner. - Right? You're so

bad that I should call these guys for a freaking job.

Because you ain't making me no money. Seriously, you're making yourself

no money. So either you're going to pull it together, or I'm gonna

kick you out of here, I'm going to pay out, and I'll kick your ass.

So I think it's about time you pulled your shit

Hey, are you guys tired? You've been running through my

mind all day. - No thank you.

What the fuck is wrong with you? You want that quarter mil or what?

Nice skates, you want to fuck?

Hey Freddy boy. Just so you know, you keep pulling this

shit, keep acting this way, get in the fucking plane to youe own

goddamn street, you piece of shit.

Hey, baby, I was gonna go home and masturbate and I was hoping

if I could get a name to go with that face.

You're a disappointment to both me and your family.

- You clearly don't want that house that badly. - Hey, I've got a question.

Do you girls use Windex to wash your clothes, because I can sure

see myself in those. - That's gross.

Hey, you guys know where to get any drugs around here? Cuz you

both look dope.

Get the fuck away from me.

- You look dope? Stupid. - I thought it was good.

You are the cheesiest piece of shit, I've ever fucking

met in my life. - You know what? I went on the internet and Googled

this shit. Yeah, you Googled this shit. Well my dick says, this shit

doesn't work. Won't0 Get anybody laid. Alright? And this thing

fucking works. Before you learn how to use yours, you learn

how to use your mouth. So pull your shit together.

You know, what, dude? Let's go get some beers.

- Not dude. You can call me boss. - Mr. Sir. Let's go get drunk.

And let's talk about what I should actually be saying

instead of these lines that are obviously not working.

Get you drunk, pull your head out of your ass, and we can do it.

- Can't hurt. - Let's go, kid.

Oh my God, a porn shop. I've never seen one before.

The place of Glory.

I have never beheld such wonders in my life. They do not

have these places in India. Where's the pocket pussy at

my friend. - Dude, they're over there. Give me like,

15 minutes.

- Fuck yeah. - I love America.

- Hey, is there anyone in there? - I'm in here, baby.

I've never done this before. What exactly do I do?

- Put your dick in the hole and enjoy. - Okay.

- Yeah. - I want this dick in my ass.

Yeah.

It's so tight. I'm coming.

Oh my God. Is that a dude in there?

Girl, number one, that's two doors down. This is

transgenders. Number 103. Thanks for the pounding brother.

- I just fucked a dude. - I love America.

Dude, we gotta go. We gotta get out of here. That glory hole,

ain't nothing like on Craigslist.

My friends. You should have seen her fucking pussy.

Dude, I think I just banged a dude in the ass. We gotta get out of

here, dude, go.

Hey, beautiful. What's his name? Oh my God.

Oh my God. You're so beautiful. You should be a model.

Should model for me sometime.

No.

Come on. You can be the centerfold at lonely

Nerds.com

Man, you're so beautiful. What's your name?

- Alyssa, what's yours? - Hey, I'm Fred. I was just thinking,

a girl like you, a guy like me, maybe anal? - Absolutely not.

Freddy boy, you're definitely a mother's child, because clearly

you can't get anything done right. Now seriously, pull

it together, if you really want to make that money. All right?

- Beautiful, what's your name? - Vienna.

You want a rude boy in your life?

Hey, baby. If I can put the alphabet together, I put u

and I together.

Come on. Hey girl, are your parents retarded, because man, you're

special.

Ehm, no.

Come on.

Hey, you girls believe in love at first sight. Or do you want

to walk by again?

My love for you is like diarrhea. I just can't hold it in.

- Damn girl. You shit with that ass? - Forget you, man.

Hey, I seem to have I lost my number. Can I have yours?

Oh my God.

This isn't going well at all.

Hey. Do you know today's word is legs? You want to go

back to my place and spread the word. - How about not?

Hey, this is gonna sound crazy. But I really think I'm a

squirrel. Man, I Want a nut in that hole.

- Man, I hate this. Hey, you guys go to college here. - Yeah.

Are you archaeologist Majors because I've got a really big bone for

you to examine. - No.

- How about you? - Absolutely not.

Goddamn you, j-school.

Friend, I swear to fucking God. You're the biggest fucking

pussy, I've ever met. That was the most pathetic fucking

excuse for fucking trying to pick up broads? I've ever seen

in my life. - Dude, I don't know. I'm just not cut out for this.

That's fucking bullshit. Alright, the first

thing is, every guy, anyone with a fucking dick is cut out

for this shit. The problem is yours is shoved way up your

fucking ass. You don't know how to think with it. And there's a

way that we're going to teach you how to do this. And it's a

very simple three rules. It's called being a douchebag, using

and thinking with your dick, and then being a bigger douche afterwards.

Afterwards. All right, so it's the three fucking D's if that

helps you remember this shit. First thing you're going to do

is be a douche. You're going to go up to an unsuspecting broad

who is just sitting around somewhere and say the most

outlandish shit you can possibly fucking think of. It's going to

piss her off real good. Then you're going to walk right

past her, not even acknowledging that you said

anything to her, and she's going to be fucking furious.

That's where you become a dick. She's going to fucking grab you

and you turn around and blatantly lie to her and be

like, okay, you know, my bad. I didn't know who you were. Sorry.

Meanwhile, this is just a setup for the actual

goal you're going for, which is over by the bar. She sees

this fucking exchange and thinks you just got broken up

with or some bullshit. So, that's where you've got to be the

biggest douche you can possibly be. You make up some

fucking sob story. Like you were in the military, lost a

bunch of guys, some bullshit, you know. She feels fucking

terrible for you. Say your girl was cheating on you or something.

Then she really just wants to console you.

So what do you do? You take her home, you let her console you

and then you flip it on her fucking plug every hole and

call it a goddamn day. That's what you do. So, to get you

into this, we're going to go and take you over to Club Vogue

where Nico and I do all our work. We're going to get some

strippers to fucking for you to practice on and trust me, man.

These girls know what they're doing. Want to go over there

and give you some real practice. - This is the first time. I've touched

a girl that hasn't been on the internet. - That's fucking depressing.

When you're a good guy, Yeah sure, the girls will

take you home to mom. Do you really fucking want that?

No, you want to bang a broad for the night? So what are you going to do?

You got to treat them like shit and next thing you know,

you bang the shit out of them. That's how it goes, brother.

Yeah, you like it dirty, girl. Jesus fucking Christ, Fred. You don't

have to do that shit. This is taken care of. All you gotta do is

fucking handle them. You're a fucking virgin too. That's the

biggest problem, we got going on. - Whoa! Wait, you're a virgin?

Oh fuck, yeah. I'm ready to take that V-card.

And here it comes.

- That was the best time of my life, dude. - Well, you finally got

yourself some nice loose hotdog down a hallway, pussy.

But trust me brother, it gets better when you get some tight shit

around that cock. Everything, the whole world opens up to you-

Treat them like shit, the pussy shall follow.

Let's do this.

Hey girl, my name is Fred. I have an 11 inch penis.

You're one of the most beautiful girls I've seen, and I would be crazy

if I didn't come up and introduce myself to you.

My name is Fred.

- My name is Danielle. Nice to meet you. - What are you doing later tonight?

- Hanging out with you. - Know a place right down this way. Let's go.

Hey girl, why don't you sit on my face. Let me eat my way to your

heart. - Fuck you.

Hey, beautiful. How about I buy you a drink?

You don't speak English.

- Russian. - That's alright. I know the

international language of love. Vodka, sex.

Fuck me.

Hey, my name is Fred. I have an 11 inch penis around.

- You're an asshole. - Never work. Hey, beautiful. Is this your boyfriend?

- Yeah. - I don't care if you don't.

You are so beautiful. It is way too hot out here for a girl like

you to just be walking around. You want to go get a drink

somewhere and cool off. - Yeah, baby. Let's go.

Know a great place, right this way.

Hey, is Alex in? Actually, he just went to lunch. Is there

something I can help you with? - Yeah, actually, I'm kind of a

new client of his. - Oh are you Fred? I've heard so much about you.

- Oh, really? Anything good? - All of it.

Yeah, like that? Can't wait until Alex find out about this.

- Well hey there, beautiful. What are you doing? - Nothing.

- I'm just waiting for my girlfriend to get here. - Girlfriend? Well, you

know, my friend Alex. You just gave me a honeymoon suite down

at the hotel down the way at room 420. We've got a hot tub. Why

don't you come by later? Bring your friend. Sure. Yeah.

- Promises promises, I'll seeyou there? - Of course.

Hey girls, welcome to Fred's Paradise. Why don't you play with each

other before you get to play with me. Yeah. Girls do that

sort of thing?

It's hot.

That's real hot.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Daddy likes.

Yeah,

Daddy likes

You ready for me? You know, a real man should split that dark oak.

Don't worry, baby. I haven't forgotten about you.

How are you doing there, beautiful? Oh, hi. Can I help you find something?

No, you can't help me find anything. You see, I saw

you from right over there. I couldn't help, but notice how

gorgeous you are. So I wanted to come over and say hi.

- Hey, what's your name, dear? - Deanna? - Deanna, I'm Alex. Deanna, how would

you like to hang out with me after work tonight?

- That sounds fun it. - What time you get off work? - 5 p.m.

Well, how about I pick you up at 6:00. We'll meet over your place and I'll get

you off and then we'll go out. - Hmm sounds fun.

Then why don't I put, you number in my phone and I'll give you a call for

directions this evening. - He thinks I'm a

sweet little librarian. He doesn't know I'm an animal in

bed whoop.

Holy shit. What are you fucking nuts?

I love you. I love you

too.

Fuck you Alex. There is no way you're gonna win this bet.

Oh, but you know, this guy just keeps getting better and better.

I can't believe you've taught this nerd. How to be a

quasi player. - What can I say brother? It's a talent.

How many girls has he slept with? Well, it's been seven

days. He's banged six broads. I think we got some

time to go.

- Are you guys gonna fuck us or what? - Fuck this bet. Let's fuck these broads.

You want to bang 30 girls in 30 days. You want to do it

right? You want some money? Save your fucking family, don't you?

I need that. And no shady business, this is how you do it.

Take a bunch of broads. You film them in this fucking car. Bang the shit

out of them. Kick them the fuck out. That's what you're doing,

alright? So I'm going to give you a little intro to our

philosophy. Hey dollar bill, let's go over to a titty bar real quick.

Alex, man. I love that idea. I'm going to work for you

more often.

Excuse me, ma'am. Do you have any Grey Poupon?

- I've always wanted to say that. - I wouldn't blame you. - You want to go for a

ride in a limo? - No, I don't think so. - Oh, come on. I'm

extremely wealthy. - Really like how wealthy? - Wealthy enough to

be riding around this limo.

Scoot over.

- Hey, my name is Fred. - I'm Lisa, Fred. - Nice to meet you, Lisa.

Nice to meet you.

- You've ever been fucked in the back of a limo. - Yes, but I'm willing

to do it again.

He's here. I don't normally do this on a first date, but you

are irresistible. - This day is getting better and better.

Yeah, so kinky. Yeah, you think this is kinky? You haven't

seen nothing yet. - Hey, baby. Daddy's here to play. - What's that.

- Oh my God. It's my husband. - Your husband? You're married?

What the hell are you doing here? You know, I was in the

neighborhood and figured it was time to come over and lay some pipe.

- My husband's gonna be home any minute. - Well, you

know, fuck your husband. You're gonna fuck me. And then, you

know, he'll get over it in the meantime. - Just one kiss.

I'll fuck you. - Honey, I'm home. - Oh my God, my husband's home.

Damn, baby. You look hot. I wasn't expecting this. I had

one hell of a day at work. - That's what I hear.

God, you look good.

It's time for Big Ben, baby.

All you people are messed up.

Honey, we could've invited him.

- Can's believes you gave me a fucking pink one. - What the hell?

Is that Brad?

What's going on? Is everything okay?

So what's up? I was able to fix up your laptop. I just removed

some spyware from it. - I really appreciate you coming

over. I don't know any of that kind of stuff. And computer

was just jamming all up. So I'm glad you were able to

come over and take care of that this morning.

- How's your coffee? - It's really good, actually.

Listen, I wanted to ask you a question about something.

I was out with your mom or your grandma the other night in the

car. And the strangest thing happened. We were driving

down the street and all of a sudden several guys came

running out of a house and ran right in front of the car. And

the really odd thing was that they look like they were

naked. Except they were wearing these like, inner tubes around

their waist and I could have sworn one of them was you.

Was that you running around the street like that.

- Yeah. - Oh my God. Wait until I tell Grandma.

It's a long story. Don't tell Mom and Dad but as you

know, they ran into some financial issues. We need a lot

of money to be able to save the house and business. The other

night we were out at the casino and I met these two

businessmen and I guess they had like gambling and they're

very wealthy. So they made a 1 million dollar bet with each

other.

That one of them could teach me to sleep with 30 girls in 30 days.

Now, don't tell Mom and Dad. I don't want them to know about

this or to worry and just in case that does happen, yeah,

I've ended up in a lot of weird situations recently.

Well, has the bet already started. Are you already?

Yeah. Yeah. I was with a lady that night.

My goodness. Well, why was the other guy running around in

there like, was it one of those parties? Was it one of those?

Like, you could say that. It wasn't anything like that. But

I guess you just say she gets around town and there's already

some people over when I got there.

- I ended up having to run out.¨ - So let me just give you one little

piece of advice. Okay? As long as you're taking the bet

bang them all.

Thanks, Grandpa. That really feels good to get this off my

chest.

I think I'm gonna go try to get another one right now. Thanks.

- You go for it. Son. - Let's check out the Craigslist. Casual

encounters, my friends. - Bet there'll be some freaks out there, my friend.

Glory holes galore. Female superhero looks for

arch-nemesis.

Oh, yes. No, my friends. I founded an Orgy at house party

tonight.

- Surkesh, I think you found the einner. - Yes, my friends. Yes. - You click on that. Let's

see the details. - Here we are.

Ahhh.

My friends, I finally get to lose my virginity, fuck a

pussy. Oh my God, a frog and donkey and a tiger

fucking in a living room. This is a fucking furry orgy, man.

- Oh, I love America. - Mmm, fresh meat for the grinder. There's

some costumes back there. You guys should stay. This is a

fucking furry orgy, man. Oh, I love America.

Let's get out of here, man. Yeah, let's smoke a bong.

You guys have fun. I'm going to have fun here.

Sexy. Oh, I love America.

I like it, when you come into Columbia and hang out with me.

I love that I can be myself around you. Like you mean a lot

to me. - It feels so good because it's so real, you know,

Look at you two lovebirds. Know what you girls need? Me picking the

blanket.

- My name is dick. How you girls doing tonight? - We're good.

Yeah?

She does't need to love me and you?

- I don't know. What do you think? - I mean, I guess it

worked out last time.

Let's do it.

- Hey, what's up? Its Fred. - Oh, hey. - Yeah, we met downtown.

Yeah, so I've got comped a free hotel room here at the casino

and I was wondering if you maybe want to come over and

have some fun.

Yeah, sure. Just text me the address and I'll be right there.

Awesome. See you soon.

I'm going to pan that pussy.

Ain't easy being a player.

Hey, glad you could make it. Come check out this pretty

sweet place, I have.

- A big dick. - Yeah.

- Fred will give you that big dick. - God. Have you been eating pineapple?

Bite my neck. Oh yeah, you bad vampire.

- That was awesome. But you gotta check out this side of 11:00. - At night?

You heard what I said.

Well, you know, thanks for coming.

I didn't come. You did, motherfucker.

I haven't been showered.

What now?

- Oh hey. - What's going with all the lipstick? - Oh, my mom was just here. She

did say goodbye. Come in. I was just getting ready to get in the

shower.

Yeah, This is the hotel room.

I'm glad you came.

- Ready for me to rock your world? - Ready as I'll ever be.

Oh, yeah.

I'm going to get my house back. Hmm.

Daddy needs a new house. Mmm-hmm.

Yeah.

It's the best I've ever had.

That was just all right, I've had better.

Hey.

It's like I'm about to be doing a lot better.

I'm Destiny.

I'm gonna break your dick tonight.

Yeah.

Hello.

- 10 for 10, goddamn it. - See the to of them right there?

Alright, I'm gonna go up there be a total scumbag drunk, and

you're basically going to get laid. You're going to come in and

be Superman. You can be the hero. You're going to come in

and save the day. - I can't do the hero card. - I know you can.

So I'm going to go set this up. I'm going to go be a douche.

You come over right quick. Stop me as soon as I start being an

asshole, and you'll end up in the sack with both of them real quick.

- Sounds like a plan man. Let's do it. - That is the plan

watch and learn, kid.

Hey, babe. You looking fucking hot tonight. I kind of want to

just stick my dick between them titties. - Can you get the fuck

away from me? - How many times am I going to kick your ass

asshole? Get the fuck out of here. I'm not trying to start no

problem. Leave these ladies alone. I'm sorry about that. He's kind

of the resident drunk. Who's paying for the fucking drink?

Ladies, mind if I have some drinks with you, make sure, you know, stay safe?

- Why not? What a gentleman? - Thank you.

- Hi, this seat's actually taken, sweetheart. - By who?

- My boyfriend meeting me here. - No, you're not. - Oh, really?

- Yeah. - That's my drink. Asshole.

Is it? Let me get you another one. Bartender,

I'll have a vodka cranberry with the graegus.

- So, how did you know that's what I was drinking. - I know a lot about you.

- Oh, is that so? - I know you're lonely and you're

depressed. The kicker is I know you don't actually have a

boyfriend. I can see the tan line on your ring finger.

You're actually divorced. You came here to look for someone,

someone like me. So what's your name Casanova?

- My name is not important. What I can do for you is. - And what can you do for me?

I can rock your world. I will make you come like, you've

never came before. I will make you forget all about that

asshole, that left you here. I saw you across the room and I

was like, that is the most beautiful woman I've seen and I

have to make her mine. - Oh okay, you're right.

- Damn straight. Want to get out here? - Let's go.

Oh my God, you're so sexy.

Oh my God.

I think I love you.

You know,

I just wondered, I got this letter. I couldn't figure out

what it...

- Have you ever heard of warts? Genital warts. - What are you

talking about? - Oh no, I got a letter from my doctor.

It was bugging me all night trying to figure out what the hell that even means.

That's fucking gross. Are you kidding? Ew, uck.

Schmuck. Here's your tube sock back. You're gonna need it.

Eat your heart out, Alex.

Another one bites the dust.

Hey girls. Well someone needs to hold the camera.

Will any of you Girls here fuck me?

- Only if you buy me a shot. - This is an ice cream place.

There's a bar right there.

- That's a good idea. You want to go? - Yeah.

All right, let's go.

Your girls are beautiful. What are you up to tonight?

- Came up here during my bachelorette. - A ring can't plug a hole.

All right, ladies. Let's cut to the chase.

I'm Alex, this here's Nikolai. We've got a net worth of 100

million dollars. Like fast cars, fast money, fast broads.

Here's what we're gonna do tonight. We're going back to my

place. We're going to crack open a bottle of Dom Perignon,

do some blow, and fuck in the jacuzzi.

Let's get the fuck outta here.

Yeah.

Swallow. The kids are starving in Africa.

Yeah.

That was great, ladies. But get the fuck out.

Guys, I don't know, man. I know so many girls that are in there.

- I don't know if I can do this. - Hey Man. We've got your back.

As long as we're with you nothing going to happen.

Alright. Well, if you guys can wingman it, I think we can do it.

- Let's all get laid tonight. - This is Sureshs's first party.

My first American party. I've never beheld such

joys.

- Here's to honor. Staying honor.

- Come on her. - I have no idea what you said, my friends.

- But cheers. - One day, you will.

Yes, my friend. These words I understand. I love

America.

Suresh, is that you?

- Anish? Anish, my friend. How are you? - How are you, Suresh?

My friend, I am so good. It is good to see you. Last time,

I saw you, you were milking a donkey, my friend. - Have you gotten a

blowjob yet? - No, my friend. I've never had a girl suck my

dick. I came to America because the girls put the mouths on

the penis. But no girl that's put her mouth on my penis, my

friend, nooo.

Shit.

- Let me fucking get some. - Nice.

Oh my God, you are that asshole, with the really bad pickup line.

Yeah. I was really drunk that day. I'm sorry. You know,

why don't we go inside and maybe, get a drink and make up

for it. - Okay.

You know, I think you're actually one of the coolest

girls, I've met. I know I was a total asshole the other night.

Let's go somewhere more private, we can talk. I know like

all these people here.

- Hi, my name is Nico. - Nice to meet you. - I've got a mound of

cocaine and a ton of champagne. Sneak back to my place. I'll let you

jerk my chain. - You had me at cocaine. Let's go.

Look, I didn't pick up the first three times you called.

Alright, take a hint. I got a cook-in dinner. Got a date

coming over later.

Damn women.

Boom, headshot.

Kitty, not now.

All these women won't stop calling me. What am I gonna do

kitty, huh?

It's 3am. Am I just a piece of ass to you or what? Yeah, it's

really late. You sound fucking hammered. Go to bed. Oh my God.

Fucking exhausted.

Damn, that's some grade A Primo blow. Glad you like it, bud.

We got 30 keys for nothing from that prick out

West.

Hey Freddy-boy, you need to try some of this, man. It'll put

some hair on your chest. - Go ahead and do some. It's the

greatest feeling in the world. - Okay, I only smoke

weed, but down for anything you want. - Freddy, shut up and take

one. Alright?

Oh,

that is...

That is strong.

Hang on a second.

Yeah.

Do you hear that? They're about to lose a lot more than that

cocaine. - What the fuck was that?

What the fuck. What's going on?

Knife to a gunfight huh? Not so smart, are you? That's why you're

dead. That's what I thought, stupid bitch.

Fred, is one naughty Boy. Take a look at this.

It's a 57 year-old woman,

grandmother at 3:00. Actually, I wouldn't mind getting this

girl's number. - You telling me he slept with all these women?

- Yeah. - And this one here? - This one? We don't know if that's

a girl exactly or not? - You got to be fucking kidding me. This

douchebag couldn't get laid by a French whore, if he had five hundred

dollars in his pocket. - Look at the pictures.

- You gotta be fucking kidding me. - Oh my God. That was so awesome. Roll my

buzz off right now. - Get on the fucking bed, bitch.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah. Yes. Take, take it all, take it all.

You like that, Molly?

Yeah. Yeah.

Damn, that's some great sex.

What the fuck. Are you already done? I was just getting started.

- Are those space pants? - Excuse me? - Your ass is from outer

space.

- Okay, have a nice one. - Resistance is futile.

You're the most beautiful. Girl I've seen. I just had to come over and say

what's up. Hey, my name is Fred. You want to maybe do

dinner or something sometime? - Yeah, let's go now.

You know, I don't normally do this, but you're one of the most

beautiful girls I've seen, and I just had to come and talk to

you.

It's really hot out. You want to maybe go get a drink somewhere?

- Yeah, that's really fantastic, actually. - Awesome. I know a

great spot, right up this way.

Damn, girl, you're the most beautiful I've seen all day.

Come on.

- Hey ladies. How about a foursome? - You're an asshole.

- Your loss. Hey beautiful, did the fall hurt? You're pretty cute, but I have a boyfriend.

You're an angel.

- I have a surprise for you. - A surprise?

It hasn't gone so well in the past, but which is

surprise?

Oh, hey there.

How are you doing?

Oh, yeah. You like Fred's big dick, don't you?

What are y'all doing here? Me first.

Some messed up dream, but

I guess I'm living like a rock star.

Game time. Hey girl, you're the most beautiful thing, I've seen all

day. Oh Veronica, I knew it was you. - Hi Fred. - Hey, what's up?

You never, you never call me anymore. Never ask me for

tech support. I haven't talked to you in like weeks.

- You just kind of turned into a douchebag. - Life's gotten really complex.

- We should talk about it. How about a cup of coffee? - I don't know, Fred.

I'm just asking for coffee, not asking for you to

marry me. 3 o'clock, at coffee zone? - Right, 3 o'clock at

coffee zone. I'll see you there. - All right.

Don't be late.

- What a cock sucker. - She's gonna be number 21 and doesn't even

know it.

- Yeah. - Take me.

Actually there's a cab fare on the nightstand. Your girl's 22,

and I've got a quota to meet.

Fuck you.

The door is on your right.

You're worried about chicken, motherfucker?

- Here's your boy. - Guess you got number 23, baby.

That's my kid right there. Is that fun to be you? Is that fall fucking fun

fuff fuff fun? There's still eight fucking days left.

Are you fucking kidding me? Eight days. I'll be at 40 Girls by then.

No way that fucking douche is gonna get my fucking

money.

Take care of my meat. Remember that shit. Oh, yeah, by

the way, man the grill pussy. We got business to handle you.

Fucking kidding me.

Fuck you guys.

Fuck you.

- Who's this guy? - This is fucking Papa Duke's over here. This guy

runs the goddamn show, - Taught him everything he knew.

Thank you. Told me every goddamn word I've ever spat.

Sorry. I was trying to beat my record, you know.

- Hey, what are you doing here? - Place is so beautiful, but it's

not as beautiful as you. - Fred, come on, you know, you use that

old tired line on every girl. - I do but hey, it works.

- So I've noticed. - What are you doing here? - Well, I mean a couple

girlfriends came out and their boyfriends all came, and I

split up with mine. Just leave me alone.

You were cheating on me the whole time. Well what?

- You're a webcam girl. What do you expect? - Fuck you.

- Get out. - I got your sister.

I'm sorry to hear that. But I mean, dude, fuck that guy.

His friend's a douchebag.

- It's the honest truth. - I know. - Well, most of my friends,

they're all off getting drunk right now.

You want to maybe go for a walk? I would love that.

Here's the most potent piece of advice.

The 30th one that I did. That was your mother.

Yeah, but you know what? You choose to keep her but you still

fucked everything in between. All 30 of them but guess what?

The last one was the best. And guess what I got out of the

deal?

- Child support? - You my dear old son.

Just so beautiful here.

I really needed this myself. I mean, I'm really glad we

got to have this time together. - So make fun of me.

I want to,

I want to throw a message in a bottle out. You want to do it

with me? - Yeah, let's do it.

Veronica, what are you doing here?

Never wanted anything more in my life.

Yeah.

- Hey, dumb broad? - What do you want?

I would like...

You're so fucked up.

Fred would probably pull some bullshit, but I'm just gonna

put my strong cock... No, because, you

know, how I feel about Fred. This is bullshit.

Hey Veronica, uh, sorry I missed you. I got your message

this morning. I had so much fun last night. I was just

wondering, if maybe you want to go out or do something or

whatever. Why don't you just give me a call back whenever

you get this. I had so much fun. All right. Talk to you

soon. Bye.

I have a little problem. I ran into that Veronica girl, the

girl next door, and we really hit it off. I think I'm in

love. I don't know if my... You think you're in love?

Let's go talk about you being in love outside.

...and I just love that girl. I've always wondered why...

You're starting to fucking piss me off. Listen to me. You've

been fucking with me for too Goddamn long, alright?

See this fucking ding. Yeah, you show it up your girl's ass. I'm

gonna click it while her mouth's around my cock unless you

finish this bet and give me my money. You understand that?

- This makes sense to you? - I can do it. - Better fucking make sense.

I'll do it. Just four girls? Yeah, four girls because

you don't, then this is the last fucking thing you're going to

see. Alright? So get this shit done. Quit pissing me

off, you little shit bird.

There's no way I can do this freaking bet. Three girls, the

next 12 hours.

I guess I better just call Alex, see what he wants to do

about that.

Hello, come in.

- Veronica. But what are you doing here? - Hey Fred.

- I know all about the bet. - Oh really. Who did you talk to?

- Black magic. - And then Suresh, yeah.

But the bad news is there's no way I can complete this bet.

I mean I have three girls in less than 12 Hours, and there's

no way even I could pull that off. - Fred, you underestimate me.

Girls.

- What are they doing here? - We're going to get you that money,

You know what to do.

- Let's save this house. - Oh, you're so good in bed.

Alright, girls, we're done. Get the fuck out. Get off my

man. Out. Out, out out out out. Come on.

- You're the greatest girl. - I don't know if I want to lay

down next to you. I'm gonna change your sheets.

Yeah, we probably should.

Hey, you know what? I was thinking about this

We'll pay him off. Good luck with that shit happen.

How about your boy?

He made one hell of a run, Alex. Well, that's 1 million.

- Hey, speaking of our fuck stick, how yoy doing, bud? - Guys, I did it.

- 30 Girls in 30 Days. - I want to see the fucking proof.

You had your little boy following me. I know you got the proof.

I can't believe it myself. But where's my money? I need the

money. - I got right here for you.

First of all, I'm not giving fucking shit. Yo, yo, get out back right now.

Het kid, the sirens are coming. Get the fuck out of here. But take this shit with you.

Mr. And mrs. Grey you're past due on your mortgage. You have a

quarter million due tonight at midnight, or you're going to

lose your house. So I'm gonna have to ask you to turn on...

Can you give us any more time? Extension? No, I can't. I need

the money right now. I need a quarter million right now.

- Now, now? - Give me the keys. You got to sign. - No, no, no.

- We don't have a choice. . My friend. I am

so excited to fuck these bitches. We just have to take

Fred to somewhere. - Yes. We need to go to my parents house.

I just got the money. I can save the house. We just got

to get there fast. - I'm on it, my friend. I'm on it.

Donøt sign it.

- Who's calling now? - Hey, Dad. Yeah, it's me.

- Now is not a good time. - I got the money. Yeah, I've

got all the money. There's no time to explain.

- Yeah. I'll be there in 10´minutes. - We got the money.

We got the money, just five more minutes.

It's not even midnight, yet. Look, look.

- I want to see this money. - Guys. you gotta hurry the house.

- The house gets foreclosed on @midnight. - You have 10 seconds to come with the Money, or we

have to take the keys to the house. - Thanks for the ride

guys. Have fun in the rain. Good luck with those girls.

- 5 4 3 2 1. - I got it.

- A quarter million dollars. - Looks like it's all here.

- Congratulations, you saved your house. - Thank you very much. Son, I'm so proud of you.

- How did you do it? - You'd never believe me, if I told

you.

- We're so proud of you, honey. So proud. - Will you wash my

sheets tomorrow? - Oh sure. - Guys, I can't believe. I actually did it.

Slept with30 girls in 30 days, but the woman of my dreams has

actually been able to save my parents place.

Yeah, I'm on. But Suresh, never got to fuck on a combo. - But my friends, I did

get to fuck a frog and a donkey.

A furry orgy's a little weird. But hey, cheers. Anyways, guys.

Cheers, my friends.

- I've got two million dollars. - It says my horse can

outrun your horse. Here's a jam my friend.

Suresh over here. He's gonna kill it. Right, buddy? What are

you gonna say? - My friends, my culture wrote the Kama Sutra. You are fucked.

He gave it a shot. Let's say thanks.

How to do that?

You miserable fuck, you know who this is. Trying to off us.

The fuck were you thinking you dumb piece of shit?

I'll fucking kill you, you motherfucker. You better give me my fucking

money, bitch. Well anyway bud, we just wanted to call and

say thanks, and I got a little present for you buddy. Yeah,

right about now, I just want you to turn around.

Well, you know, you fuck with the bull you get the horns,

right kids? Yeah.

Fucking idiot. These people, you know, they always try. They

never, they never fucking survived. The last thing we're

going to do, tell you what, let's go do some lines. Fuck

some strippers and bask in the glory that some dumb schmuck's

dead.

One of the greatest girls ever. Got the girl of my dreams, saved

my house and a quarter of a million dollars.

- I'm really kind of hungry, though. - I'll go make you a sandwich.

Yeah, babe. I'll be right back.

It Ain't Easy Being a player.

What are you doing there? A terrible fucking idea. This is how we

make movies for you assholes. So that they put duct tape on my

fucking hairy ass chest and lay of goddamn fire work on it and

they go. Oh, it's okay should just keep drinking more. So guess

what fuckers? I am drinking more. So I hope you're enjoying.

You're all a bunch of douche... - One more for the fire. - Every fucking one of

you. I hate all of you right now. - Cameras rolling.

Cereal.

Go fuck yourself.

Oh God.

It's already part of...

The fuck out of here. Jesus Christ. I swear to God, if like

seriously, who the fuck, let the goddamn elephant in the

room? What the fuck is going on here? Getting fucking fatso

the fuck out of here. It's disgusting. Do you see that

fucking thing? It's like someone smacked, you know, with

a frying pan. What the fuck is going on with? You know, I

swear to God, you need to get in the goddamn sun because it's

fucking, it's absolutely fucking depressing. I swear to

God, you look like you're practically fucking

transparent. Get the fuck out of here. All right, now, really

like seriously. What did your mom, fuck her brother? Because

how the fuck do you end up being this Goddamn hideous?

I swear to God. There's a little incest going on here.

You guys cross bloodlines and you're the fucking product. Get

the fuck out of here. Do you have a fucking Adam's Apple?

Did you like start out with a cock? And then it fell off.

Guess you tape it to your fucking leg. Don't you

Dare? You tape it back or some shit. It, let me guess you do

the fucking man Giant and walk around and try to pass yourself

off as a broad. There's no way. You're a fucking chick. Look at

that. Jesus Christ. You're more stubborn than me.

- Yeah. Thanks for sitting down. - Fucking back off. I'm not even

gonna give you the time of day. Look at this one. You, it is a

pleasure to sit across the table from you, dude.

- Well, thank you. - So, what's your name? - Katie. - Katie pleasure to

meet you. I'm Alex.

You really made up for the rest of these freaking things, they

had send down for me. I tell you. It was the most disgusting

thing I've ever seen in my life. It was just like a hippo

after a hippo after a rhino's. Awful. Absolutely atrocious.

Well, I'm glad to hear that. So I just want to fuck.

I have a dick for it. You and I need to get out of here right now.

Let's go, baby. - I'm 26 years old. I live in my parents basement. But you

know, it's free. What can I say? I'm still a virgin.

Wow, virgin. Honestly, I'm really looking

for a woman. They sent in my interest a little bit of Kink.

I love women when they just kick me in the fucking nads

and put their fucking fist in my ass and just go.

Just put your fingers right there. And you

just kind of like that. - My name is black magic. Magic for a

reason, black because it's 12 inches or more.

Yeah, I just broke up with my boyfriend. I'm not doing real well. I...

Hold On.