Original subtitles

-You filming people having chemo now? -[Tony sniggers] No, just you.

Oh. [chuckles]

[Tony] All right?

[Lisa] Yeah.

I'm not looking my best, am I?

[Tony] You're fine.

["Little Piece of Nothing" plays] ♪ The sun is fading ♪

♪ A little more every turn ♪

♪ But if we make it ♪

♪ I'll be here for you for sure ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Release a little piece of my hoping ♪

♪ Away into the wild and free ♪

♪ Sometimes I wish that we hadn't gotten ♪

♪ So deep ♪

How long... have you been posting your mail...

in a dog waste bin?

About a year now, I'd say.

Right. I mean, it says "dog waste" on it.

Yeah, but my eyes are shot to shit.

-Right. -[man] I'm blind as a bat.

These aren't mine. I lost mine. I found these on a bus.

-They're no good. -Right.

Gotta be near the house, need a piss every ten minutes.

I got a prostate like a coconut.

This is the least of my worries, to be honest with you, with all that.

Anyway, where was I?

So... Right, my sister, yeah? She lives in Australia.

I'm thinking, "Why's she ignoring me?"

-You were writing to her, and she wasn't-- -Yeah.

-But you were putting them in there? -Well, yeah. I'm not on email, see.

I keep getting threatening letters from the gas and the electricity.

I said, "Hey, I've paid," I said, "and I'll prove it to you."

So, I sent them another letter.

And I put it in here, with all my letters, in all that shit!

What did you think the smell was? Wasn't that a clue?

-I thought that was me. -You thought it was you?

There's a similar smell in the house, to be honest.

-I've got nobody to be hygienic for. -[Tony] No?

Nah. No point, is there? No one to wash for.

-Yourself, maybe? -No, no point, is there?

No point to anything, is there, really? I don't know where they took the letters.

Where do they take dog shit? They probably bury it, do they?

That's where we're all gonna end up, though, innit?

You know, we're all just future shit, you know? I've got no self-esteem, I have.

No.

That's why I never had a relationship.

You've never had a relationship?

'Cause I knew that if I did...

that she's going to find somebody, see, better than me.

Better than me, at that. And then leave me, wouldn't she? Eh?

Right, come on, then. What's your angle on this? What's it gonna be?

I don't think there is an angle. You've been posting your letters in a...

a box of shit for a year. That is pretty much it.

There's a moral to the story, though, ain't there? Gotta be.

You know, be careful. Careful now where you post your letters.

-Take a picture. -Yeah.

-Hurry up. I need a piss. -[Lenny] All right.

-Get on with it. -[shutter clicks]

-Hang on. Got it? -Great.

[man] All right.

-There he goes. -Yep.

-[Tony] That's depressing. -[Lenny] Yeah.

[Tony] Imagine never having a relationship in case it ends.

A relationship is life.

Exactly.

I've had a good life.

-Well, it's still going! -No, I know. I know.

Look, he's pissing where he stands. Like a dog.

[Tony] That's the best he's felt all day, that piss.

Right, I'm off to see my dad.

Right. I'm just gonna...

-See you later. -See ya.

[shutter clicks]

-Oh, hi. -Hi.

-[nurse] You all right? -Yeah. Um...

Is he OK? He seems a bit...

-Yeah. Well, he's been a bit up and down. -[Tony grunts]

Perky this morning, though, eh?

Called Simon a cunt.

Did he?

[chuckles] Yeah, I thought you'd like that.

That's my boy!

Anyway, I'd better get on. I've got to--

Um, I'm going to that revue thing tonight,

-if you wanna... -Oh!

-I'm working, sorry. -Right. Yeah.

Well, it's no big deal.

If you want to chat, give me a call... or text.

-[chuckles] OK. -All right.

See you later.

Do you want to lie down, Dad?

-Yeah. -Yeah? Come on, then.

[Tony's dad exhales heavily]

-Come on. -Yeah.

[Tony's dad groans lightly]

And I know that nothing's... you know, certain or anything, but...

Jill's gonna come with me to the revue.

-What revue? -It's a local theater thing.

Oh, yeah?

Plenty of thespussy knocking about, then?

No, I don't think so.

It's... more like...

um, local people doing some songs, and...

I mean, there's one woman who does feminist poetry.

[scoffs] Feminists!

Lesbians make me laugh, you know. They use dildos and stuff, don't they?

-Yeah? -Yeah.

Sorry, do you like cock or don't you? You're confusing me here, darling.

Make your fucking mind up. D'you know what I mean?

Yeah!

-Do you? -Yeah. No, it's...

er... a good point.

I actually had to... let down that chick at work.

She was coming on a bit strong. I was like... "Nah.

Back... Back off, baby."

-Wise. -Yeah.

-Don't shit on your own doorstep, brother. -That's what I thought, yeah.

Anyway, she's in the bank if you need a nosh.

[chuckles lightly] OK.

-Fancy seeing you here. -[Anne laughs]

-You OK? -Yeah.

Still covering awful local stories that no one cares about,

upsetting people I like,

trying to keep my job,

and not kill anyone. You?

[laughs heartily]

Ah...

It's nice to hear you moan about work, and...

relationships, just like a normal person.

-Yeah, I suppose this is progress. -Mm.

I should pay you for these chats.

All that money I waste on the shrink, this is much better.

Your friendship means more to me than money.

Are you lonely?

I only miss one person.

Yep. Me too.

-What? -Um...

Do you want to go to the revue tonight?

I don't think so. I don't get out much these days.

It's hardly out. It's less out than this!

And it's still just sitting down looking at something.

It'll be funny.

Come on.

OK.

-Yeah? -I'll pop in.

Brilliant.

[Paul] I'd very much like to thank you all for letting me share your day.

Hi. Um... Would you like to go to the revue thing tonight?

What is it?

Awful, probably.

But some of us are going down, and someone I... um...

Just it might be fun. I thought you might...

Uh, sure, yeah. Why not?

Great. It's at the community hall at 7:30.

But we'd get there early enough for a drink if you want, or just...

Is there a dress code? Should I wear a suit or...?

No. It's really not a posh do. [chuckles]

What would you wear to visit a mental home?

But... you know, look nice.

-So-- -Look nice?

I mean... groomed, whatever.

Oh.

OK.

-Brilliant. -Well, I'll see you later.

Good.

-Look. -What are you doing?

-[James] Just limbering up. -[Valerie] This is an office.

-[June] Hiya. -Hi.

-What you doing? -Just limbering up.

Come on, you. Let's get you down that hall.

If your dad could see you now.

What happened? Is he dead?

No, he walked out on us. James did his head in, didn't ya?

-[James] I was a bit of a handful. -[June] Mm.

Thought there was something wrong with him at first.

He even had to see the school doctor.

-Thought I was mad [chuckles]. -Or backward.

[James] Yeah, I was terrible at everything at school.

I was more interested in, like, entertaining people, you know?

-And there wasn't anything wrong with you? -Oh, no. Not, like, mental or anything.

Overweight and... hyperactive, but--

Just really annoying.

Mm. His dad said, "It's either him or me.

One of us has got to go for this to work."

And you chose him?

Oh, no. I chose his dad at first. But when we asked James to leave,

he broke down, threatened to kill himself, didn't ya?

Yeah.

Found someone better now, anyway.

[June giggles]

Right, let's get going.

Yeah. Lots to do. I'm starving as well.

[June] No, don't be eating too much. You always do that:

get excited, all churned up, and then you've got to dance around--

If you're getting food, um, I'll... I'll come with you.

[sniggers]

See ya.

[Lenny] Wait!

-Good. -[Kath] I'd better get off an' all.

To, uh... get ready for tonight.

Got a date.

So...

-See ya later. -Bye.

[Sandy] Bye.

Looking forward to tonight?

It's work, isn't it?

[Tony] Yeah, but...

might be fun.

[chuckles sadly] Yeah.

We laugh at James for living with his mum,

but he's ten years younger than me, I live with my mum.

Everyone's got a date.

I haven't.

-Sorry. -No, I mean...

you're not the only one. It's no big deal.

There's no rush.

Don't wallow. It's...

You get addicted to it.

I am, I think.

Grief, I mean.

I sort of know where I am with it. Do you know what I mean? I just...

When summat goes well or I see a glimpse of hope, I get confused.

And then when it all turns to shit, I go, "Oh, there it is.

Now we can get drunk and wait for death." [chuckles]

When you do find a fella,

dance with him when he wants.

I wish I'd danced with Lisa every time she asked.

It was 'cause I was embarrassed sometimes or lazy.

Oh, what I'd give for...

just five minutes with her now.

Just holding her. Just moving around.

See?

-Back to normal. Both crying again. -[Sandy chuckles]

-Good work. -Yeah. [sighs]

You'll be fine.

-Really straight away. -You gonna go again?

Well, I've hardly had any of this, but I'd normally--

Hiya. My date.

Short notice.

[chuckles] Businessman, though. Got a Rolls Royce, haven't ya?

-Secondhand. -Still a Rolls Royce. Very successful.

Yeah, I made a lot of money in scrap.

Don't say scrap.

-Let's go and see this. -Yeah, let's...

-Oh! You're my postman. -[Pat] Yeah.

-Are you the hoarder? -Yeah!

-You're a prossie! I know you. -[both] Sex worker.

Yeah, seen you at the garages. I couldn't afford that.

-Not in a million years. -No.

Have to make up my own fun. I've shoved my cock up my arse.

-So, how does that work? -Ooh! Now he's interested!

Trade secrets, innit? Nah, you're a mate.

Basically, I cram it up there flaccid...

and then I wait for it to get hard.

It's the only way it can be done, if I'm honest.

I think a bit too honest.

[chuckles lightly]

Thank you.

Oh...

-Hi. -Hello.

There's one there.

[Ken] Right, settle down, you lot. We're about to start.

Now, please welcome a man who likes to get around.

You could even say he's a bit of a wanderer.

Here we go!

♪ Well, I'm the type of guy Who will never settle down ♪

Hello!

♪ Where pretty girls are You know that I'll be found ♪

♪ I love 'em and I squeeze 'em 'Cause to me they're all the same ♪

You are!

♪ I kiss 'em and I hug 'em I don't even know their name ♪

♪ They call me the wanderer ♪

♪ Yeah, the wanderer ♪

♪ I go around, around Around, around, around ♪

[Ken] Oh! Thank you for that. Right...

Lord Mayor's here himself. Round of applause for t'Lord Mayor.

Oi! When are you gonna sort out them bins?

[audience laughs]

My rubbish is piled high,

and some of it is very, uh, suspicious, shall we say?

[chortles] Hey, come on. I've seen what's in your garbage.

[audience laughs]

Anyway, ladies and gentlemen, or whatever you call yourselves.

Gotta be careful nowadays, haven't you? Can't say anything. God!

You know who I'm talking about,

she works in the chip shop and she looks like Tony Soprano.

No, good luck to her.

Right, who's ready for A Night of 1000 Stars?

-[audience] Yeah! -[Ken] Thousand stars, yeah.

First act, we have got, uh... Elton John...

-[audience] Ooh! -...and Kiki Dee!

Not really, it's a mother and son duo.

Er, which is a bit weird when you think about it, but don't worry.

Anyway, please put your hands together, go mad, go crazy,

-it's June and James! -[audience cheers, applauds]

["Don't Go Breaking My Heart" plays]

♪ Don't go breaking my heart ♪

♪ I couldn't if I tried ♪

[James] ♪ Oh, honey, if I get restless ♪

♪ Baby, you're not that kind ♪

[James] ♪ Ooh-ooh ♪

[both] ♪ Nobody knows it ♪

-♪ Right from the start ♪ -♪ I gave you my heart ♪

[June, tunelessly] ♪ Ooooh-oh... ♪

♪ I gave you my heart ♪

[audience applauds]

[Ken] Well, wasn't that fabulous?

OK, ladies and gentlemen.

Now, some of you might've been wondering what that awful smell was.

No, that smell is not the drains, it's not the bins,

-it is our next act! Uh... -[audience laughs]

Bless him, he has got a serious hygiene problem.

Now, he's doing a bit of stand-up comedy.

[audience] Ooh!

Which, as we all know, is very hard, and he is not very good at it!

-[laughter] -So, fingers crossed for him, all right?

Please welcome... Brian Gittins!

[Brian] I'm not as professional as I'd like to be.

If I ever were to make it big,

there are a few things that might come out in the tabloids about me

that I feel like I need to...

nip in the bud immediately.

I've given one blow job.

[gasping, scattered chuckling in audience]

-That's a... He's a hairdresser. -[Brian] One blowie.

The assistant manager of Tambury Football Club.

-Yeah, Mark Dobson. -[man 1] What?

[Brian] I promise you, that is never going to happen again.

OK? I was at my lowest ebb.

My wife had just left me for Mickey the Gypsy.

Do you know Mickey the Gypsy? No? Good.

Stay away from him.

'Cause he'll smash your face in as quick as look at ya!

Yeah. OK? Yeah.

Right, who wants some jokes?

-[man 2] Yeah, please. -Just remember there are children here.

Hello, son. What's your name?

-[George] George. -George?

Huh, nice name, George.

-How old are you? -Nine.

I've got a little joke for you, lad. What's worse than ants in your pants?

[George] I don't know.

Michael Jackson.

[shocked gasps]

Wouldn't want him rummaging round in your underwear, would you?

Knock knock.

Who's there?

My ex-wife.

Go fuck yourself,

-you dirty, manky whore. -[faux coughing]

Yeah. I'll leave it there.

I'm not really in the right headspace or the...

Well, thanks for listening. And the, uh...

[scattered applause]

Bloody hell, what was that?

Oh, my God, absolutely disgusting. Blow jobs in front of the mayor.

Absolutely vile.

Sorry about that, ladies and gentlemen. I'm sorry, Mr. Mayor.

-Get them bins sorted! -[scattered chuckling]

-Hey? There we go. Now we're back. -[applause]

All right.

You're not going to be there while I'm on.

-Yeah. -Now, let's have a little bit of poetry.

-Who loves poetry? -[audience] Yeah!

-No, you're fucking not. -Please welcome the wonderful Rebecca!

[audience applauds]

[Rebecca] I'm Rebecca.

I will be performing some of my poetry for you tonight.

Enjoy.

-[groans] I feel sick. -Come on, you'll be all right.

God is a woman

Her kingdom is life

She is nature, nurture, warrior, wife

She grew you inside her

Alone, selfless

She gave her body so you could live

Almighty creator

Instigator of every single soul

In a single cell waiting

For her Big Bang

-[James farts] -[Rebecca] Oh!

You dumpy little cunt!

-Did you just fart? -[June] Don't talk to him like that.

I've told him never to hold it in if he needs to pump, it's bad for him.

-He just farted! -[James] Rude.

[Rebecca] He just... I told you not to stand there! Oh, my God!

-Oh, it fucking stinks up here! -She's coming off.

Get out there, you have to take over.

-Come on, do your dance. -Go on, James.

-[Ken] Give us a show! -[applause]

Oh... I think he's followed through!

Oh, fuckin' hell!

["Send in the Clowns" plays]

[phone dialing out]

Hi.

How's it going?

Tony...

I'm sorry, your dad's passed away.

OK.

Um...

Uh, I'll come over.

OK.

OK, bye.

[sighs heavily]

["Send in the Clowns" continues playing]

-Hey. -Hi.

I'm so sorry.

-Was it just in his sleep? -Yeah, he just...

just stopped breathing.

Um... I won't call Matt tonight, I'll tell him tomorrow, and I'll, uh...

-Will you do all the...? -Oh, yeah. We'll take care of all that.

-I just need his birth certificate and... -OK.

...a couple of other bits and pieces.

He was a good man.

[sighs] He was...

-He was kind, weren't he? -Yeah.

And gentle, he, um...

He never hit me, he never smacked me...

as a kid,

however... naughty I was.

Mum would go, "Wait till your dad gets home."

And he'd come in,

all smiles, and he'd go, "Hello, boy!"

And she'd go, "He's been bad."

And he'd go, "Oh...

I'm disappointed in you, son."

Oh, that would kill me.

Other kids would say their dad had belted them.

And I'd think, "That's nothing to him saying he was disappointed."

I never wanted to...

disappoint him.

I never upset him

-when I was sitting here grumpy, did I? -No! God.

-He loved you being here. -[sighs]

It's just I had a lot on my mind. I still have. I...

I'd hate to think that I was upsetting him or...

Do you know, there are some people here that get a visit maybe... once a week.

I don't think I've ever known a son visit his dad every day without fail.

Even when he was in pain himself.

I thought you thought I didn't care, but I did. I always did.

[chuckles] I never thought that.

Just gave you a bit of a hard time now and again. [chuckles]

I probably deserved it.

You never did.

Just... I had to get your attention somehow, though, didn't I? [giggles]

And it worked.

Well... a bit.

No, it didn't.

You already had my attention.

From the first second... I set eyes on you.

But, you know...

Yeah. [chuckles sadly]

Um... Do...

Do you want to maybe just sit with him for a wee while?

Yeah.

No, and you.

[mournful piano music plays]

[Brandy pants]

For me?

[whines]

Thank you.

You're such a good girl!

[gentle instrumental music plays]

[Lisa] What, you're just gonna play cards and get drunk all night?

-Yep. -[Lisa] Well, what am I supposed to do?

-You know what you're supposed to do... -What?

Go out and make us all a cheese sandwich

-with some crisps. -[Lisa] Oh, right. Careful.

[Lisa and Tony laugh]

-[Lisa] Very funny! -[Dad] What d'you think, Brandy?

Shall I throw away the five... or the three? What do you think?

-[Lisa] Oh, look! -Yeah, I'll throw away the three.

-She loves it there, look. -There we go, yeah. All right.

-What do you think? -[Lisa] Look, she's bored!

She's as bored as me!

[Lisa and Dad laugh]

[Lisa] She loves you, Ray.

-[Ray laughs] -[Lisa chuckles]

-[Ray laughs raucously] -[Lisa] Aww!

["And So It Goes" plays] ♪ In every heart ♪

♪ There is a room ♪

♪ A sanctuary safe and strong ♪

♪ To heal the wounds ♪

♪ From lovers past ♪

♪ Until a new one comes along ♪

♪ I spoke to you in cautious tones ♪

♪ You answered me with no pretense ♪

♪ And still I feel I said too much ♪

♪ My silence is my self-defense ♪

♪ And so it goes ♪

♪ And you're the only one ♪

♪ Who knows ♪