Original subtitles

♪ thank you for being a friend

♪ traveled down the road and back again

♪ Your heart is true

♪ You're a pal and a confidant

♪ And if you threw a party

♪ Invited everyone you knew

♪ You would see

♪ the biggest gift would be from me

♪ And the card attached would say

♪ thank you for being a friend ♪

Finally... finally I'd like to thank our hostesses tonight:

[Gil} Dorothy,

- Rose and Blanche. - [Light applause}

With people like them to support me,

I am proud just to be running for city councilman.

[Applause}

So good night, and remember my slogan:

"Gil Kessler for city councilman."

- You call that a slogan? - Excuse us.

Easy on the arm, Dorothy. You break it, you pay for it.

Ma. Ma, you promised you'd stay in your room

until the meeting was over.

Who am I, Alf?

- I was hungry. - You were spying.

- So what? He's a wimp, Dorothy. - Oh, Ma.

For your information, Gil Kessler is a very bright man,

an honest and devoted civic leader.

And probably the biggest wimp I've ever known in my life.

There's something else I don't like about him.

- What? - I don't know.

It's a hunch. I can't put my finger on it.

But if I could, I would have to wash it.

Ma, do me one favor.

Stay here until we're finished.

I can't believe you think your own mother would embarrass you.

It's not that, Ma.

It's that, Ma.

Well, I'd better skedaddle. You know, my wife is out of town.

I'm going to be up half the night trying to pick out

a tie-sock-hankie combo.

This is just the behind-the-scenes excitement

I was hoping to be part of.

- Good night. - Good night, Gil.

Bye-bye.

I think we ought to be proud.

We threw one heck of a party.

Didn't you guys just love being involved in politics?

Oh, I haven't had this much fun

since I worked on the Dewey campaign.

Rose, you worked for Thomas Dewey?

No, Melville Dewey. The founder of the Dewey Decimal System.

You know, Gil Kessler doesn't stand a chance of winning.

- Who says? - The Miami Post,

the Miami Journal, the Miami tribune,

and Miami's own, Sophia Petrillo.

Ma, he's way behind in the polls,

but the election is two days away and a lot can happen.

I, for one, am gonna do everything in my power

- to get Gil elected. - Fine.

You can start by taking this folder he left to his house.

On the other hand, why should I deprive Rose

of a chance to be of service.

All right, but you'll have to wash these dishes.

Honey, those dishes are dirty.

Okay, I'll deliver the folder.

I guess there's no sacrifice too great

for a cause you really believe in.

I just hope that big stupid jerk

reimburses me for gas and mileage.

There goes a great American.

[Hammering}

I woke you up, didn't I?

And I better have a good reason. Well, I do.

I got a great idea for Gil's campaign.

I'm making bird feeders with his name on them

to send around.

And you think that's a dumb idea.

You feel like taking this bird feeder away from me.

And smashing it with this hammer.

Like this.

Holy smoke.

Holy Toledo.

Holy mackerel.

- What, Ma? - Nothing.

What is it, Sophia?

[Gasps}

What, Rose? What?

They caught Gil Kessler having an affair.

Oh, you're kidding. With whom?

They don't know her name. But look.

They hid in the bushes and took this picture of her from behind

going into his house.

I don't believe it... Wait a minute, that looks like...

...Blanche's red dress.

And those look like Blanche's red shoes.

And aren't they her diamond earrings and gold bracelet?

That little floozy stole Blanche's clothes.

It's like having Agatha Christie right here in our kitchen.

Rose, Blanche is that little floozy.

- You... You mean... - She's at the 50.

...you think she... - The 40. The 30.

Blanche, it's you!

You're getting so good at that, Rose. Now who's that over there?

No, I mean right here.

Oh, my God.

My backside is spread all across the front page.

How could they do that?

They probably used a wide-angle lens.

If I'd known I was being photographed,

I would've turned around and smiled.

Listen, Blanche, ruining a man's career for a one night stand

is hardly something to make light of.

Oh, now, wait a minute. You girls don't believe this.

I'm not denying that's me in the photograph,

but I am denying that anything happened.

I just dropped off his folder.

Then why does it say here that you were in his house for two hours?

We were just talking.

Then why does it say, "The explosion was so great,

it shattered windows in the building next door."

Rose, that's an article about an earthquake in Guatemala.

Girls, I dropped off the folder, talked for two hours,

helped him pick out his tie-sock-hankie combo,

and came home.

Now, nothing else happened.

I swear.

Okay?

- Okay. - Okay.

Now, how are we gonna help him get out of this mess?

I ought to call the newspaper.

No, wait, wait. I think you should let Gil handle it himself.

Oh, the paper says he's having a press conference this afternoon.

I don't think you should do anything until then.

Okay. Fine, I'll wait.

Look at this picture of Kessler, Dorothy.

There's a secret behind those eyes. Trust my hunch on this one.

Oh, come on, Ma. Remember your hunch about your nephew, Angelo?

- You said one day he'd be Pope. - Dorothy, you gotta pay attention.

I said one day, he'd sell dope.

What do you think he went to Attica for, the volleyball program?

Bruno Bonofiglio.

Ma! I was asleep!

So was I. That's when it came to me.

Picture this. Sicily, 1922.

The village is in a terrible wine crisis.

It's the peak of the wine season.

All our grape stompers are ravaged by an outbreak of athlete's foot.

Soon the Chianti has a green hue

and tastes like Desenex.

They call in Sicily's foremost podiatrist, Bruno Bonofiglio.

He's the one who prescribed arch supports for Mussolini.

Must have really helped his lower back

when they hung him by his heels.

Forget him. I'm talking about Bruno Bonofiglio.

I take one look at him, and I have a hunch he's trouble.

But nobody believes me.

So, what happens?

He cures everybody and wine sales skyrocket.

Wait a minute, wait a minute. Ma.

Unless I'm missing something, your hunch was wrong.

My hunches are never wrong.

Now, everyone is living high on the hog and eating rich foods.

The next thing you know, there's a gout epidemic.

Nobody can stomp grapes.

And Bruno makes a killing selling orthopedic sandals.

Don't tell me.

He went to America, and changed his name to Dr. Scholl.

No. Actually, he developed a foot fetish

and suffocated when he shoved his head

in a lady's rubber boot.

Ma, don't ever wake me up again.

Quick. Turn on the television.

Gil's press conference is about to start.

Gosh, I'm nervous. I hope they're not too hard on him.

I wouldn't be too sure. Look at all those reporters.

Yeah, there's Charlie Thompson.

[Blanche} And Fred Leone, and Mike Devlin.

[Reporter on TV] Does he plan to withdraw from the race?

I had lunch at the press club once.

Only once?

Gosh, it took me two years

to learn everybody's name on Eight is Enough.

Hush, hush, he's about to start.

[TV reporter} Well, we're about to find out.

Here comes the candidate and his campaign manager now.

Good afternoon.

I'm here to respond to the media speculation

that I am having an affair with an unidentified woman.

[Gil] I have been the subject of many scurrilous,

slanderous and downright malicious rumors in my career.

But this rumor is the worst kind of rumor.

This is a true rumor.

It actually happened Just like you said.

Well, not with me, it didn't.

[Female reporter} Mr. Kessler, who was the woman?

I can't reveal her identity under any circumstances.

[Male reporter] Independent sources identified her

as Blanche Devereaux.

Oh, please. What sources?

Sorry, Blanche.

I don't believe this.

He just lied.

Dorothy, he...

Rose? Well, don't you girls believe me?

Sophia?

I believe you, Blanche. Absolutely.

Hello? I need a number for People magazine.

The department that buys stories about politicians

who sleep with sleazy broads.

Don't worry, it's not about you.

Dorothy, Rose?

Talk to me.

You girls have got to believe me.

We believed you once, Blanche. We're not falling for it again.

Falling for what? I told you the truth.

Come off it. You really expect us to believe

that Gil was lying on television in front of a million people?

People lie on television, Dorothy.

They do it on 60 Minutes all the time.

He's a married man running for election.

Why would he say he had an affair if he hadn't?

I'm sure I don't know.

And I also don't know why you just assume I'm guilty.

Can you give me one good reason why I would lie to you?

You're embarrassed because you seduced him.

You're scared and guilty because you've ruined his campaign.

Three good reasons.

- Oh, shut up, Rose. - Oh, shut up, Rose.

[Telephone rings}

Hello. Yes, this is Blanche Devereaux.

Yes, that Blanche Devereaux.

And no, I did not. Absolutely not.

I will tell it to a judge,

I will yell it from the highest mountain,

I will swear to it on a stack of Bibles.

Now, did that sound like a liar?

No. It sounded like Jim and Tammy Faye on Nightline.

[Telephone rings}

Hello?

Yes, this is Blanche, and how did you get this number?

Better yet, why am I even talking to you?

I don't like you. Matter of fact, I hate you.

You can just tear up my number

and go climb back under your slimy rock

with all the rest of your slimy friends.

And don't you ever call here again.

Dorothy, call Stan.

Blanche, why don't you admit what you did.

You made a mistake.

You live your life a certain way and now you're paying for it.

You are assuming that I'm guilty because of my past.

Well, that is not fair.

Listen, girls, I'm in trouble here.

Now, this isn't funny anymore.

You're right. This is not funny. It is sad.

You couldn't come to us and tell us the truth.

And you still can't.

Don't do this to me.

You're my two best friends.

How do we know you're telling the truth about that?

Well, I guess you don't.

Excuse me, Miss. You can't go in there.

Oh, the hell I can't.

I ought to kick your butt to Tallahassee.

- I'm sorry, Blanche. - You're sor...

Do you have reporters badgering you?

Do you have roommates calling you a liar?

[Blanche} You are the damn liar.

I wouldn't sleep with you if you were the last man in Creation.

Now, why did you lie?

- Well, the reason is... - Why?

...I was trying... - Why?

Nobody ever listens to me.

Quit whining, you wimp, and tell me why you lied.

That is the reason. Nobody ever listens to me.

They never have. I'm a wimp, just like you said.

At least I was until today.

When the newspaper printed that story about my having an affair,

people stopped thinking I was a wimp and started listening.

I couldn't tell them it was a mistake.

Are you trying to tell me that people like you better now

because they think you went to bed with a gorgeous woman?

Here, see for yourself. This is today's poll.

Blanche, I never expected that they would figure out

it was you in that picture.

I felt terrible when they did.

Well, how do you think I feel?

People think I slept with you.

Blanche...

...all my life, people have looked right past me.

You know, when I was growing up,

the first day back at school every year,

half the other kids always thought I was new in town.

I had to bring in a yearbook to prove that they were wrong.

But all the same, I always felt

that deep inside me was a great man trying to get out.

So I went into politics.

And people kept looking right past that great man.

Until today.

Blanche, as crazy as it sounds, I've got a real chance to win.

Because you lied.

Is that such a high price?

Oh, Gil, I don't know much about politics,

but I do know a thing or two about men.

And I know what kind of man you are.

You're an honest man.

That's why we all believed in you.

Now you started lying and you're just like other politicians.

Dishonest.

If you even win this election, it won't mean a hill of beans.

'Cause it won't be you winning.

You'll never be a great man, without being an honest man.

[Sighs} You think about that.

This is exciting.

Just think, in less than 24 hours,

Gil Kessler could be city councilman.

I'd love to get excited, Rose, but no matter what happens,

I'm gonna get stuck cleaning out that peeing-angel punch bowl.

Dorothy, I've been chatting with your boy, Kessler.

Give me another hour, I'll have his secret figured out.

What secret?

You got cheese in your ears? I said give me another hour.

Get away from me, you bloodhounds.

I have nothing to say to you. Except this:

From now on, when my name appears in print,

it better read Blanche Devereaux, comma, 39.

Well, she has a lot of nerve showing up here tonight.

Let's try to be polite, Rose.

Okay.

Hi, Blanche.

Blanche, I said hello.

I don't normally speak to people who call me a liar.

Now look, Blanche, we're in public now.

There's no reason to be hostile.

Oh, yes, there is. I don't like you.

And horizontal stripes make you look like Roger Ebert.

Do you really want to put this on a level of name calling?

- Yes. - So do I.

- Traitor. Back stabber. - Tramp. Home wrecker.

Indian giver.

I'm sorry, I just got caught up in the moment.

Ladies and gentlemen.

If I could have your attention,

I have a few words I'd like to say.

First off, I want to thank all of you.

This has been a great campaign.

Tomorrow at this time, I could actually be your councilman.

But I don't want to be your city councilman

unless I can win this job honestly,

and there is something that I have not been honest about.

Blanche Devereaux and I never had an affair.

I only said that to improve my image.

Ha, ha, ha.

Blanche is too good a person to be used that way.

In fact, she made me realize how important honesty is.

That's why I'm going to be honest about something else.

I'm not who you think I am.

In 1968, I had an operation.

Until that time, I lived life as part-time stenographer

and mild-mannered housewife, Anna-Maria Bonnaduci.

What?

I can't believe it.

What do you say about my hunches now, Dorothy?

Five more minutes, I would have had it.

Ma, how could you know?

No one knew.

Please, look at his nose, of course he's Italian.

I'm still confused about the operation Gil Kessler had.

Is the man asleep during it?

I think so, Rose.

And what about the parts they put on?

Do they test them first?

Of course, Rose, you know, like windshield wipers.

- So they work. - I assume so, yes.

What are they made of?

Silly putty, Rose.

I don't know. I don't know, Rose.

I just want to forget the whole incident.

It's been a terrible night and I am very upset.

Because Gil dropped out of the election

and Blanche hates us.

I'm upset because they haven't re-run

the Facts of Life Goes to Australia.

I wouldn't be surprised

if Blanche never speaks to us again.

She'd certainly have every reason not to.

We did a terrible thing, not believing her.

We might as well get used to the fact

that she's gonna be mad at us for a long, long time.

Hi, girls. How ya'll doing?

Why, Blanche, aren't you mad?

Not anymore.

But we did a terrible thing.

You should stay mad at us for a long, long time.

You should make us grovel,

eat dirt, beg for forgiveness, give us the silent treatment.

Rose, if you give us the silent treatment, I will eat dirt.

I couldn't stay mad at you girls, you know?

I did some thinking and I realized

I was as much to blame for all this as you all were.

- How? - By talking so much.

As you know, I've always talked a lot about my men.

And sometimes I've stretched the truth just a little.

[Blanche} It's an old Southern tradition, storytelling.

Just because you didn't have a good time

there's no reason to bore your friends with a dull story.

So you embellish it, you add a little shading, a little color,

a little hot tub.

I guess it finally caught up with me.

But I do think I've learned my lesson.

Can we have a hug and forget this ever happened?

You bet we can.

Come here, you two.

[Laughing}

Oh, I'm glad we're friends again.

Oh, me too.

Listen, Blanche, now that we have you telling the truth,

um...

Would you tell us the truth about, um, Bob Fredericks.

True, absolutely true.

How about Howard Asher?

True.

Eric Murdock.

True, true.

He had a twin brother.

Would I lie to my two best friends?