1 00:00:03,083 --> 00:00:07,349 ♪ thank you for being a friend 2 00:00:07,421 --> 00:00:11,357 ♪ traveled down the road and back again 3 00:00:11,425 --> 00:00:12,824 ♪ Your heart is true 4 00:00:12,893 --> 00:00:17,762 ♪ You're a pal and a confidant 5 00:00:17,831 --> 00:00:21,824 ♪ And if you threw a party 6 00:00:21,902 --> 00:00:26,168 ♪ Invited everyone you knew 7 00:00:26,239 --> 00:00:27,968 ♪ You would see 8 00:00:28,041 --> 00:00:30,635 ♪ the biggest gift would be from me 9 00:00:30,711 --> 00:00:32,576 ♪ And the card attached would say 10 00:00:32,646 --> 00:00:36,980 ♪ thank you for being a friend ♪ 11 00:00:54,101 --> 00:00:59,129 Finally... finally I'd like to thank our hostesses tonight: 12 00:00:59,206 --> 00:01:00,571 [Gil} Dorothy, 13 00:01:00,640 --> 00:01:02,574 - Rose and Blanche. - [Light applause} 14 00:01:02,642 --> 00:01:04,701 With people like them to support me, 15 00:01:04,778 --> 00:01:07,770 I am proud just to be running for city councilman. 16 00:01:07,848 --> 00:01:09,679 [Applause} 17 00:01:09,750 --> 00:01:12,184 So good night, and remember my slogan: 18 00:01:12,252 --> 00:01:15,380 "Gil Kessler for city councilman." 19 00:01:16,123 --> 00:01:19,320 - You call that a slogan? - Excuse us. 20 00:01:19,393 --> 00:01:22,760 Easy on the arm, Dorothy. You break it, you pay for it. 21 00:01:25,298 --> 00:01:27,664 Ma. Ma, you promised you'd stay in your room 22 00:01:27,734 --> 00:01:29,031 until the meeting was over. 23 00:01:29,102 --> 00:01:31,127 Who am I, Alf? 24 00:01:32,339 --> 00:01:34,330 - I was hungry. - You were spying. 25 00:01:34,408 --> 00:01:36,876 - So what? He's a wimp, Dorothy. - Oh, Ma. 26 00:01:37,144 --> 00:01:40,375 For your information, Gil Kessler is a very bright man, 27 00:01:40,447 --> 00:01:43,109 an honest and devoted civic leader. 28 00:01:43,183 --> 00:01:47,244 And probably the biggest wimp I've ever known in my life. 29 00:01:47,320 --> 00:01:49,880 There's something else I don't like about him. 30 00:01:49,956 --> 00:01:51,423 - What? - I don't know. 31 00:01:51,491 --> 00:01:53,356 It's a hunch. I can't put my finger on it. 32 00:01:53,427 --> 00:01:55,861 But if I could, I would have to wash it. 33 00:01:57,798 --> 00:01:59,595 Ma, do me one favor. 34 00:01:59,666 --> 00:02:02,362 Stay here until we're finished. 35 00:02:02,436 --> 00:02:05,928 I can't believe you think your own mother would embarrass you. 36 00:02:06,006 --> 00:02:07,701 It's not that, Ma. 37 00:02:09,142 --> 00:02:11,167 It's that, Ma. 38 00:02:18,985 --> 00:02:21,954 Well, I'd better skedaddle. You know, my wife is out of town. 39 00:02:22,022 --> 00:02:24,456 I'm going to be up half the night trying to pick out 40 00:02:24,524 --> 00:02:27,618 a tie-sock-hankie combo. 41 00:02:27,694 --> 00:02:29,924 This is just the behind-the-scenes excitement 42 00:02:29,996 --> 00:02:32,556 I was hoping to be part of. 43 00:02:32,632 --> 00:02:33,997 - Good night. - Good night, Gil. 44 00:02:34,067 --> 00:02:35,728 Bye-bye. 45 00:02:35,802 --> 00:02:37,292 I think we ought to be proud. 46 00:02:37,370 --> 00:02:39,201 We threw one heck of a party. 47 00:02:39,272 --> 00:02:42,241 Didn't you guys just love being involved in politics? 48 00:02:42,309 --> 00:02:43,776 Oh, I haven't had this much fun 49 00:02:43,844 --> 00:02:45,607 since I worked on the Dewey campaign. 50 00:02:46,847 --> 00:02:49,873 Rose, you worked for Thomas Dewey? 51 00:02:49,950 --> 00:02:54,410 No, Melville Dewey. The founder of the Dewey Decimal System. 52 00:02:56,923 --> 00:03:00,381 You know, Gil Kessler doesn't stand a chance of winning. 53 00:03:00,460 --> 00:03:02,985 - Who says? - The Miami Post, 54 00:03:03,063 --> 00:03:05,497 the Miami Journal, the Miami tribune, 55 00:03:05,565 --> 00:03:08,295 and Miami's own, Sophia Petrillo. 56 00:03:08,368 --> 00:03:10,529 Ma, he's way behind in the polls, 57 00:03:10,604 --> 00:03:14,233 but the election is two days away and a lot can happen. 58 00:03:15,509 --> 00:03:17,636 I, for one, am gonna do everything in my power 59 00:03:17,711 --> 00:03:19,201 - to get Gil elected. - Fine. 60 00:03:19,279 --> 00:03:21,941 You can start by taking this folder he left to his house. 61 00:03:22,015 --> 00:03:24,279 On the other hand, why should I deprive Rose 62 00:03:24,351 --> 00:03:25,716 of a chance to be of service. 63 00:03:25,785 --> 00:03:28,583 All right, but you'll have to wash these dishes. 64 00:03:28,655 --> 00:03:31,385 Honey, those dishes are dirty. 65 00:03:32,526 --> 00:03:35,051 Okay, I'll deliver the folder. 66 00:03:35,128 --> 00:03:37,119 I guess there's no sacrifice too great 67 00:03:37,197 --> 00:03:39,358 for a cause you really believe in. 68 00:03:39,432 --> 00:03:41,195 I just hope that big stupid jerk 69 00:03:41,268 --> 00:03:43,293 reimburses me for gas and mileage. 70 00:03:44,604 --> 00:03:47,004 There goes a great American. 71 00:03:51,177 --> 00:03:52,940 [Hammering} 72 00:03:59,319 --> 00:04:01,810 I woke you up, didn't I? 73 00:04:03,023 --> 00:04:05,958 And I better have a good reason. Well, I do. 74 00:04:06,026 --> 00:04:08,085 I got a great idea for Gil's campaign. 75 00:04:08,161 --> 00:04:10,254 I'm making bird feeders with his name on them 76 00:04:10,330 --> 00:04:12,025 to send around. 77 00:04:15,101 --> 00:04:17,535 And you think that's a dumb idea. 78 00:04:17,604 --> 00:04:20,072 You feel like taking this bird feeder away from me. 79 00:04:20,140 --> 00:04:22,370 And smashing it with this hammer. 80 00:04:22,442 --> 00:04:24,410 Like this. 81 00:04:28,748 --> 00:04:30,978 Holy smoke. 82 00:04:31,051 --> 00:04:32,780 Holy Toledo. 83 00:04:32,852 --> 00:04:34,410 Holy mackerel. 84 00:04:34,487 --> 00:04:36,717 - What, Ma? - Nothing. 85 00:04:38,758 --> 00:04:41,226 What is it, Sophia? 86 00:04:42,295 --> 00:04:43,455 [Gasps} 87 00:04:43,530 --> 00:04:44,792 What, Rose? What? 88 00:04:44,864 --> 00:04:47,924 They caught Gil Kessler having an affair. 89 00:04:48,001 --> 00:04:50,265 Oh, you're kidding. With whom? 90 00:04:50,337 --> 00:04:52,305 They don't know her name. But look. 91 00:04:52,372 --> 00:04:55,808 They hid in the bushes and took this picture of her from behind 92 00:04:55,875 --> 00:04:57,638 going into his house. 93 00:04:58,511 --> 00:05:02,345 I don't believe it... Wait a minute, that looks like... 94 00:05:02,415 --> 00:05:04,815 ...Blanche's red dress. 95 00:05:06,086 --> 00:05:08,213 And those look like Blanche's red shoes. 96 00:05:08,288 --> 00:05:11,951 And aren't they her diamond earrings and gold bracelet? 97 00:05:12,025 --> 00:05:15,859 That little floozy stole Blanche's clothes. 98 00:05:21,267 --> 00:05:24,828 It's like having Agatha Christie right here in our kitchen. 99 00:05:25,639 --> 00:05:29,336 Rose, Blanche is that little floozy. 100 00:05:29,409 --> 00:05:32,105 - You... You mean... - She's at the 50. 101 00:05:32,178 --> 00:05:35,306 ...you think she... - The 40. The 30. 102 00:05:38,418 --> 00:05:40,443 Blanche, it's you! 103 00:05:40,520 --> 00:05:44,456 You're getting so good at that, Rose. Now who's that over there? 104 00:05:46,192 --> 00:05:48,752 No, I mean right here. 105 00:05:48,828 --> 00:05:51,228 Oh, my God. 106 00:05:51,297 --> 00:05:53,629 My backside is spread all across the front page. 107 00:05:53,700 --> 00:05:55,292 How could they do that? 108 00:05:55,368 --> 00:05:58,428 They probably used a wide-angle lens. 109 00:06:02,976 --> 00:06:04,773 If I'd known I was being photographed, 110 00:06:04,844 --> 00:06:06,607 I would've turned around and smiled. 111 00:06:07,981 --> 00:06:11,610 Listen, Blanche, ruining a man's career for a one night stand 112 00:06:11,685 --> 00:06:13,653 is hardly something to make light of. 113 00:06:13,720 --> 00:06:16,780 Oh, now, wait a minute. You girls don't believe this. 114 00:06:17,924 --> 00:06:19,983 I'm not denying that's me in the photograph, 115 00:06:20,060 --> 00:06:22,688 but I am denying that anything happened. 116 00:06:22,762 --> 00:06:24,957 I just dropped off his folder. 117 00:06:25,031 --> 00:06:28,660 Then why does it say here that you were in his house for two hours? 118 00:06:28,735 --> 00:06:30,134 We were just talking. 119 00:06:30,203 --> 00:06:32,467 Then why does it say, "The explosion was so great, 120 00:06:32,539 --> 00:06:35,736 it shattered windows in the building next door." 121 00:06:37,110 --> 00:06:41,046 Rose, that's an article about an earthquake in Guatemala. 122 00:06:46,619 --> 00:06:49,782 Girls, I dropped off the folder, talked for two hours, 123 00:06:49,856 --> 00:06:52,450 helped him pick out his tie-sock-hankie combo, 124 00:06:52,525 --> 00:06:53,753 and came home. 125 00:06:53,827 --> 00:06:56,091 Now, nothing else happened. 126 00:06:56,162 --> 00:06:58,096 I swear. 127 00:06:58,164 --> 00:06:59,256 Okay? 128 00:07:01,601 --> 00:07:03,193 - Okay. - Okay. 129 00:07:03,269 --> 00:07:05,965 Now, how are we gonna help him get out of this mess? 130 00:07:06,039 --> 00:07:07,666 I ought to call the newspaper. 131 00:07:07,741 --> 00:07:10,608 No, wait, wait. I think you should let Gil handle it himself. 132 00:07:10,677 --> 00:07:13,840 Oh, the paper says he's having a press conference this afternoon. 133 00:07:13,913 --> 00:07:16,143 I don't think you should do anything until then. 134 00:07:16,216 --> 00:07:17,683 Okay. Fine, I'll wait. 135 00:07:17,751 --> 00:07:20,379 Look at this picture of Kessler, Dorothy. 136 00:07:20,453 --> 00:07:23,684 There's a secret behind those eyes. Trust my hunch on this one. 137 00:07:23,757 --> 00:07:27,693 Oh, come on, Ma. Remember your hunch about your nephew, Angelo? 138 00:07:27,761 --> 00:07:31,356 - You said one day he'd be Pope. - Dorothy, you gotta pay attention. 139 00:07:31,431 --> 00:07:33,558 I said one day, he'd sell dope. 140 00:07:36,569 --> 00:07:40,562 What do you think he went to Attica for, the volleyball program? 141 00:07:51,785 --> 00:07:53,810 Bruno Bonofiglio. 142 00:07:53,887 --> 00:07:55,411 Ma! I was asleep! 143 00:07:55,488 --> 00:07:57,513 So was I. That's when it came to me. 144 00:07:57,590 --> 00:08:00,024 Picture this. Sicily, 1922. 145 00:08:00,093 --> 00:08:03,585 The village is in a terrible wine crisis. 146 00:08:03,663 --> 00:08:05,221 It's the peak of the wine season. 147 00:08:05,298 --> 00:08:10,634 All our grape stompers are ravaged by an outbreak of athlete's foot. 148 00:08:13,973 --> 00:08:16,771 Soon the Chianti has a green hue 149 00:08:16,843 --> 00:08:18,743 and tastes like Desenex. 150 00:08:21,381 --> 00:08:25,841 They call in Sicily's foremost podiatrist, Bruno Bonofiglio. 151 00:08:25,919 --> 00:08:29,719 He's the one who prescribed arch supports for Mussolini. 152 00:08:29,789 --> 00:08:31,689 Must have really helped his lower back 153 00:08:31,758 --> 00:08:34,192 when they hung him by his heels. 154 00:08:35,094 --> 00:08:38,461 Forget him. I'm talking about Bruno Bonofiglio. 155 00:08:38,531 --> 00:08:42,592 I take one look at him, and I have a hunch he's trouble. 156 00:08:42,669 --> 00:08:44,102 But nobody believes me. 157 00:08:44,170 --> 00:08:45,660 So, what happens? 158 00:08:45,738 --> 00:08:49,139 He cures everybody and wine sales skyrocket. 159 00:08:49,209 --> 00:08:51,177 Wait a minute, wait a minute. Ma. 160 00:08:51,244 --> 00:08:54,645 Unless I'm missing something, your hunch was wrong. 161 00:08:54,714 --> 00:08:56,705 My hunches are never wrong. 162 00:08:56,783 --> 00:09:01,220 Now, everyone is living high on the hog and eating rich foods. 163 00:09:01,287 --> 00:09:03,949 The next thing you know, there's a gout epidemic. 164 00:09:04,023 --> 00:09:06,287 Nobody can stomp grapes. 165 00:09:06,359 --> 00:09:09,590 And Bruno makes a killing selling orthopedic sandals. 166 00:09:11,130 --> 00:09:12,392 Don't tell me. 167 00:09:12,465 --> 00:09:16,367 He went to America, and changed his name to Dr. Scholl. 168 00:09:16,436 --> 00:09:19,963 No. Actually, he developed a foot fetish 169 00:09:20,039 --> 00:09:21,870 and suffocated when he shoved his head 170 00:09:21,941 --> 00:09:24,068 in a lady's rubber boot. 171 00:09:30,183 --> 00:09:33,084 Ma, don't ever wake me up again. 172 00:09:34,787 --> 00:09:36,652 Quick. Turn on the television. 173 00:09:36,723 --> 00:09:39,089 Gil's press conference is about to start. 174 00:09:39,158 --> 00:09:41,592 Gosh, I'm nervous. I hope they're not too hard on him. 175 00:09:41,661 --> 00:09:44,789 I wouldn't be too sure. Look at all those reporters. 176 00:09:44,864 --> 00:09:46,855 Yeah, there's Charlie Thompson. 177 00:09:46,933 --> 00:09:49,401 [Blanche} And Fred Leone, and Mike Devlin. 178 00:09:49,469 --> 00:09:52,700 [Reporter on TV] Does he plan to withdraw from the race? 179 00:09:52,772 --> 00:09:56,037 I had lunch at the press club once. 180 00:09:56,109 --> 00:09:57,508 Only once? 181 00:09:57,577 --> 00:09:59,204 Gosh, it took me two years 182 00:09:59,279 --> 00:10:01,941 to learn everybody's name on Eight is Enough. 183 00:10:02,882 --> 00:10:04,679 Hush, hush, he's about to start. 184 00:10:04,751 --> 00:10:06,981 [TV reporter} Well, we're about to find out. 185 00:10:07,053 --> 00:10:09,886 Here comes the candidate and his campaign manager now. 186 00:10:09,956 --> 00:10:12,083 Good afternoon. 187 00:10:12,158 --> 00:10:16,117 I'm here to respond to the media speculation 188 00:10:16,195 --> 00:10:19,756 that I am having an affair with an unidentified woman. 189 00:10:21,234 --> 00:10:25,170 [Gil] I have been the subject of many scurrilous, 190 00:10:25,238 --> 00:10:29,265 slanderous and downright malicious rumors in my career. 191 00:10:29,342 --> 00:10:33,073 But this rumor is the worst kind of rumor. 192 00:10:33,146 --> 00:10:35,944 This is a true rumor. 193 00:10:37,150 --> 00:10:39,914 It actually happened Just like you said. 194 00:10:39,986 --> 00:10:41,817 Well, not with me, it didn't. 195 00:10:41,888 --> 00:10:44,482 [Female reporter} Mr. Kessler, who was the woman? 196 00:10:44,557 --> 00:10:47,458 I can't reveal her identity under any circumstances. 197 00:10:47,527 --> 00:10:50,189 [Male reporter] Independent sources identified her 198 00:10:50,263 --> 00:10:52,128 as Blanche Devereaux. 199 00:10:52,198 --> 00:10:55,190 Oh, please. What sources? 200 00:11:00,974 --> 00:11:02,566 Sorry, Blanche. 201 00:11:02,642 --> 00:11:04,735 I don't believe this. 202 00:11:04,811 --> 00:11:06,506 He just lied. 203 00:11:06,579 --> 00:11:08,274 Dorothy, he... 204 00:11:08,348 --> 00:11:11,442 Rose? Well, don't you girls believe me? 205 00:11:13,019 --> 00:11:14,543 Sophia? 206 00:11:14,620 --> 00:11:17,248 I believe you, Blanche. Absolutely. 207 00:11:17,323 --> 00:11:21,157 Hello? I need a number for People magazine. 208 00:11:24,163 --> 00:11:26,859 The department that buys stories about politicians 209 00:11:26,933 --> 00:11:29,401 who sleep with sleazy broads. 210 00:11:31,971 --> 00:11:34,462 Don't worry, it's not about you. 211 00:11:48,154 --> 00:11:50,281 Dorothy, Rose? 212 00:11:50,356 --> 00:11:52,347 Talk to me. 213 00:11:52,425 --> 00:11:54,791 You girls have got to believe me. 214 00:11:54,861 --> 00:11:58,922 We believed you once, Blanche. We're not falling for it again. 215 00:11:58,998 --> 00:12:02,263 Falling for what? I told you the truth. 216 00:12:02,335 --> 00:12:04,428 Come off it. You really expect us to believe 217 00:12:04,504 --> 00:12:08,167 that Gil was lying on television in front of a million people? 218 00:12:08,241 --> 00:12:10,402 People lie on television, Dorothy. 219 00:12:10,476 --> 00:12:13,604 They do it on 60 Minutes all the time. 220 00:12:13,679 --> 00:12:16,113 He's a married man running for election. 221 00:12:16,182 --> 00:12:18,912 Why would he say he had an affair if he hadn't? 222 00:12:18,985 --> 00:12:20,475 I'm sure I don't know. 223 00:12:20,553 --> 00:12:24,045 And I also don't know why you just assume I'm guilty. 224 00:12:24,123 --> 00:12:26,523 Can you give me one good reason why I would lie to you? 225 00:12:26,592 --> 00:12:29,060 You're embarrassed because you seduced him. 226 00:12:29,128 --> 00:12:32,120 You're scared and guilty because you've ruined his campaign. 227 00:12:32,198 --> 00:12:33,961 Three good reasons. 228 00:12:35,401 --> 00:12:38,063 - Oh, shut up, Rose. - Oh, shut up, Rose. 229 00:12:38,905 --> 00:12:40,532 [Telephone rings} 230 00:12:42,642 --> 00:12:46,203 Hello. Yes, this is Blanche Devereaux. 231 00:12:47,013 --> 00:12:49,413 Yes, that Blanche Devereaux. 232 00:12:49,482 --> 00:12:52,280 And no, I did not. Absolutely not. 233 00:12:52,351 --> 00:12:53,784 I will tell it to a judge, 234 00:12:53,853 --> 00:12:55,844 I will yell it from the highest mountain, 235 00:12:55,922 --> 00:12:57,787 I will swear to it on a stack of Bibles. 236 00:12:59,926 --> 00:13:01,484 Now, did that sound like a liar? 237 00:13:01,561 --> 00:13:05,691 No. It sounded like Jim and Tammy Faye on Nightline. 238 00:13:10,603 --> 00:13:11,729 [Telephone rings} 239 00:13:13,840 --> 00:13:15,273 Hello? 240 00:13:15,341 --> 00:13:18,401 Yes, this is Blanche, and how did you get this number? 241 00:13:18,478 --> 00:13:20,412 Better yet, why am I even talking to you? 242 00:13:20,480 --> 00:13:23,313 I don't like you. Matter of fact, I hate you. 243 00:13:23,382 --> 00:13:25,145 You can just tear up my number 244 00:13:25,218 --> 00:13:27,118 and go climb back under your slimy rock 245 00:13:27,186 --> 00:13:29,017 with all the rest of your slimy friends. 246 00:13:29,088 --> 00:13:31,716 And don't you ever call here again. 247 00:13:33,759 --> 00:13:35,989 Dorothy, call Stan. 248 00:13:41,567 --> 00:13:43,535 Blanche, why don't you admit what you did. 249 00:13:43,603 --> 00:13:45,537 You made a mistake. 250 00:13:45,605 --> 00:13:48,597 You live your life a certain way and now you're paying for it. 251 00:13:48,674 --> 00:13:51,837 You are assuming that I'm guilty because of my past. 252 00:13:51,911 --> 00:13:53,674 Well, that is not fair. 253 00:13:53,746 --> 00:13:55,941 Listen, girls, I'm in trouble here. 254 00:13:56,015 --> 00:13:57,607 Now, this isn't funny anymore. 255 00:13:57,683 --> 00:14:00,550 You're right. This is not funny. It is sad. 256 00:14:00,620 --> 00:14:04,147 You couldn't come to us and tell us the truth. 257 00:14:04,223 --> 00:14:05,520 And you still can't. 258 00:14:05,591 --> 00:14:08,059 Don't do this to me. 259 00:14:08,127 --> 00:14:09,890 You're my two best friends. 260 00:14:09,962 --> 00:14:12,362 How do we know you're telling the truth about that? 261 00:14:13,466 --> 00:14:15,297 Well, I guess you don't. 262 00:14:30,716 --> 00:14:32,616 Excuse me, Miss. You can't go in there. 263 00:14:32,685 --> 00:14:34,585 Oh, the hell I can't. 264 00:14:37,490 --> 00:14:39,651 I ought to kick your butt to Tallahassee. 265 00:14:39,725 --> 00:14:41,625 - I'm sorry, Blanche. - You're sor... 266 00:14:41,694 --> 00:14:43,423 Do you have reporters badgering you? 267 00:14:43,496 --> 00:14:45,396 Do you have roommates calling you a liar? 268 00:14:45,464 --> 00:14:47,125 [Blanche} You are the damn liar. 269 00:14:47,200 --> 00:14:50,363 I wouldn't sleep with you if you were the last man in Creation. 270 00:14:50,436 --> 00:14:51,835 Now, why did you lie? 271 00:14:51,904 --> 00:14:53,371 - Well, the reason is... - Why? 272 00:14:53,439 --> 00:14:55,202 ...I was trying... - Why? 273 00:14:55,274 --> 00:14:56,605 Nobody ever listens to me. 274 00:14:56,676 --> 00:14:59,440 Quit whining, you wimp, and tell me why you lied. 275 00:14:59,512 --> 00:15:01,980 That is the reason. Nobody ever listens to me. 276 00:15:02,048 --> 00:15:06,348 They never have. I'm a wimp, just like you said. 277 00:15:06,419 --> 00:15:07,886 At least I was until today. 278 00:15:07,954 --> 00:15:11,651 When the newspaper printed that story about my having an affair, 279 00:15:11,724 --> 00:15:14,522 people stopped thinking I was a wimp and started listening. 280 00:15:14,594 --> 00:15:16,357 I couldn't tell them it was a mistake. 281 00:15:16,429 --> 00:15:19,455 Are you trying to tell me that people like you better now 282 00:15:19,532 --> 00:15:24,196 because they think you went to bed with a gorgeous woman? 283 00:15:24,270 --> 00:15:27,103 Here, see for yourself. This is today's poll. 284 00:15:27,907 --> 00:15:30,569 Blanche, I never expected that they would figure out 285 00:15:30,643 --> 00:15:32,611 it was you in that picture. 286 00:15:32,678 --> 00:15:34,111 I felt terrible when they did. 287 00:15:34,180 --> 00:15:36,080 Well, how do you think I feel? 288 00:15:36,148 --> 00:15:38,582 People think I slept with you. 289 00:15:40,853 --> 00:15:42,616 Blanche... 290 00:15:43,055 --> 00:15:47,617 ...all my life, people have looked right past me. 291 00:15:47,693 --> 00:15:49,285 You know, when I was growing up, 292 00:15:49,362 --> 00:15:51,660 the first day back at school every year, 293 00:15:51,731 --> 00:15:54,632 half the other kids always thought I was new in town. 294 00:15:54,700 --> 00:15:58,067 I had to bring in a yearbook to prove that they were wrong. 295 00:15:58,137 --> 00:16:00,105 But all the same, I always felt 296 00:16:00,172 --> 00:16:03,630 that deep inside me was a great man trying to get out. 297 00:16:03,709 --> 00:16:05,267 So I went into politics. 298 00:16:05,344 --> 00:16:08,108 And people kept looking right past that great man. 299 00:16:08,180 --> 00:16:10,512 Until today. 300 00:16:10,583 --> 00:16:14,679 Blanche, as crazy as it sounds, I've got a real chance to win. 301 00:16:14,754 --> 00:16:16,779 Because you lied. 302 00:16:16,856 --> 00:16:18,016 Is that such a high price? 303 00:16:18,090 --> 00:16:20,251 Oh, Gil, I don't know much about politics, 304 00:16:20,326 --> 00:16:22,556 but I do know a thing or two about men. 305 00:16:22,628 --> 00:16:24,391 And I know what kind of man you are. 306 00:16:24,463 --> 00:16:27,227 You're an honest man. 307 00:16:27,300 --> 00:16:29,427 That's why we all believed in you. 308 00:16:29,502 --> 00:16:33,700 Now you started lying and you're just like other politicians. 309 00:16:33,773 --> 00:16:35,297 Dishonest. 310 00:16:35,374 --> 00:16:38,138 If you even win this election, it won't mean a hill of beans. 311 00:16:38,210 --> 00:16:41,509 'Cause it won't be you winning. 312 00:16:41,580 --> 00:16:46,483 You'll never be a great man, without being an honest man. 313 00:16:48,387 --> 00:16:51,151 [Sighs} You think about that. 314 00:17:08,007 --> 00:17:09,736 This is exciting. 315 00:17:09,809 --> 00:17:11,640 Just think, in less than 24 hours, 316 00:17:11,711 --> 00:17:14,179 Gil Kessler could be city councilman. 317 00:17:14,246 --> 00:17:17,647 I'd love to get excited, Rose, but no matter what happens, 318 00:17:17,717 --> 00:17:22,416 I'm gonna get stuck cleaning out that peeing-angel punch bowl. 319 00:17:26,992 --> 00:17:29,688 Dorothy, I've been chatting with your boy, Kessler. 320 00:17:29,762 --> 00:17:33,425 Give me another hour, I'll have his secret figured out. 321 00:17:33,499 --> 00:17:34,796 What secret? 322 00:17:34,867 --> 00:17:37,700 You got cheese in your ears? I said give me another hour. 323 00:17:39,538 --> 00:17:41,733 Get away from me, you bloodhounds. 324 00:17:41,807 --> 00:17:44,799 I have nothing to say to you. Except this: 325 00:17:44,877 --> 00:17:47,607 From now on, when my name appears in print, 326 00:17:47,680 --> 00:17:52,481 it better read Blanche Devereaux, comma, 39. 327 00:17:54,820 --> 00:17:57,914 Well, she has a lot of nerve showing up here tonight. 328 00:17:57,990 --> 00:18:00,584 Let's try to be polite, Rose. 329 00:18:01,527 --> 00:18:02,516 Okay. 330 00:18:03,329 --> 00:18:04,318 Hi, Blanche. 331 00:18:06,298 --> 00:18:08,732 Blanche, I said hello. 332 00:18:08,801 --> 00:18:11,702 I don't normally speak to people who call me a liar. 333 00:18:11,771 --> 00:18:14,103 Now look, Blanche, we're in public now. 334 00:18:14,173 --> 00:18:16,073 There's no reason to be hostile. 335 00:18:16,142 --> 00:18:18,440 Oh, yes, there is. I don't like you. 336 00:18:18,511 --> 00:18:22,242 And horizontal stripes make you look like Roger Ebert. 337 00:18:24,483 --> 00:18:27,782 Do you really want to put this on a level of name calling? 338 00:18:27,853 --> 00:18:29,047 - Yes. - So do I. 339 00:18:29,121 --> 00:18:31,715 - Traitor. Back stabber. - Tramp. Home wrecker. 340 00:18:31,791 --> 00:18:34,021 Indian giver. 341 00:18:35,394 --> 00:18:38,955 I'm sorry, I just got caught up in the moment. 342 00:18:41,267 --> 00:18:43,292 Ladies and gentlemen. 343 00:18:43,369 --> 00:18:45,394 If I could have your attention, 344 00:18:45,471 --> 00:18:47,564 I have a few words I'd like to say. 345 00:18:47,640 --> 00:18:51,007 First off, I want to thank all of you. 346 00:18:51,076 --> 00:18:53,738 This has been a great campaign. 347 00:18:53,813 --> 00:18:57,442 Tomorrow at this time, I could actually be your councilman. 348 00:18:59,852 --> 00:19:01,979 But I don't want to be your city councilman 349 00:19:02,054 --> 00:19:03,954 unless I can win this job honestly, 350 00:19:04,023 --> 00:19:06,753 and there is something that I have not been honest about. 351 00:19:08,260 --> 00:19:11,491 Blanche Devereaux and I never had an affair. 352 00:19:13,132 --> 00:19:16,158 I only said that to improve my image. 353 00:19:16,702 --> 00:19:18,033 Ha, ha, ha. 354 00:19:20,272 --> 00:19:22,433 Blanche is too good a person to be used that way. 355 00:19:22,508 --> 00:19:26,035 In fact, she made me realize how important honesty is. 356 00:19:26,111 --> 00:19:30,912 That's why I'm going to be honest about something else. 357 00:19:30,983 --> 00:19:34,146 I'm not who you think I am. 358 00:19:34,220 --> 00:19:38,884 In 1968, I had an operation. 359 00:19:38,958 --> 00:19:43,691 Until that time, I lived life as part-time stenographer 360 00:19:43,762 --> 00:19:48,131 and mild-mannered housewife, Anna-Maria Bonnaduci. 361 00:19:50,002 --> 00:19:52,095 What? 362 00:19:54,874 --> 00:19:56,705 I can't believe it. 363 00:19:56,775 --> 00:19:59,300 What do you say about my hunches now, Dorothy? 364 00:19:59,378 --> 00:20:01,846 Five more minutes, I would have had it. 365 00:20:01,914 --> 00:20:04,815 Ma, how could you know? 366 00:20:04,884 --> 00:20:06,442 No one knew. 367 00:20:06,519 --> 00:20:10,046 Please, look at his nose, of course he's Italian. 368 00:20:21,867 --> 00:20:27,772 I'm still confused about the operation Gil Kessler had. 369 00:20:27,840 --> 00:20:30,741 Is the man asleep during it? 370 00:20:31,610 --> 00:20:34,078 I think so, Rose. 371 00:20:38,617 --> 00:20:40,517 And what about the parts they put on? 372 00:20:40,586 --> 00:20:43,077 Do they test them first? 373 00:20:46,625 --> 00:20:50,459 Of course, Rose, you know, like windshield wipers. 374 00:20:51,730 --> 00:20:56,667 - So they work. - I assume so, yes. 375 00:21:04,610 --> 00:21:07,306 What are they made of? 376 00:21:11,283 --> 00:21:14,150 Silly putty, Rose. 377 00:21:17,089 --> 00:21:19,114 I don't know. I don't know, Rose. 378 00:21:19,191 --> 00:21:21,091 I just want to forget the whole incident. 379 00:21:21,160 --> 00:21:23,594 It's been a terrible night and I am very upset. 380 00:21:23,662 --> 00:21:25,527 Because Gil dropped out of the election 381 00:21:25,598 --> 00:21:27,657 and Blanche hates us. 382 00:21:27,733 --> 00:21:29,667 I'm upset because they haven't re-run 383 00:21:29,735 --> 00:21:32,568 the Facts of Life Goes to Australia. 384 00:21:34,506 --> 00:21:36,030 I wouldn't be surprised 385 00:21:36,108 --> 00:21:37,973 if Blanche never speaks to us again. 386 00:21:38,043 --> 00:21:41,069 She'd certainly have every reason not to. 387 00:21:41,146 --> 00:21:45,549 We did a terrible thing, not believing her. 388 00:21:45,618 --> 00:21:47,381 We might as well get used to the fact 389 00:21:47,453 --> 00:21:50,581 that she's gonna be mad at us for a long, long time. 390 00:21:52,291 --> 00:21:54,691 Hi, girls. How ya'll doing? 391 00:21:55,561 --> 00:21:58,052 Why, Blanche, aren't you mad? 392 00:21:58,130 --> 00:21:59,427 Not anymore. 393 00:21:59,498 --> 00:22:01,022 But we did a terrible thing. 394 00:22:01,100 --> 00:22:04,729 You should stay mad at us for a long, long time. 395 00:22:05,938 --> 00:22:08,031 You should make us grovel, 396 00:22:08,107 --> 00:22:12,009 eat dirt, beg for forgiveness, give us the silent treatment. 397 00:22:12,077 --> 00:22:15,740 Rose, if you give us the silent treatment, I will eat dirt. 398 00:22:21,020 --> 00:22:23,352 I couldn't stay mad at you girls, you know? 399 00:22:23,422 --> 00:22:25,151 I did some thinking and I realized 400 00:22:25,224 --> 00:22:28,557 I was as much to blame for all this as you all were. 401 00:22:29,428 --> 00:22:32,420 - How? - By talking so much. 402 00:22:32,498 --> 00:22:35,865 As you know, I've always talked a lot about my men. 403 00:22:35,934 --> 00:22:39,392 And sometimes I've stretched the truth just a little. 404 00:22:39,471 --> 00:22:42,998 [Blanche} It's an old Southern tradition, storytelling. 405 00:22:43,075 --> 00:22:45,009 Just because you didn't have a good time 406 00:22:45,077 --> 00:22:48,478 there's no reason to bore your friends with a dull story. 407 00:22:48,547 --> 00:22:52,643 So you embellish it, you add a little shading, a little color, 408 00:22:52,718 --> 00:22:54,310 a little hot tub. 409 00:22:56,488 --> 00:22:59,480 I guess it finally caught up with me. 410 00:22:59,558 --> 00:23:02,493 But I do think I've learned my lesson. 411 00:23:04,029 --> 00:23:07,294 Can we have a hug and forget this ever happened? 412 00:23:07,366 --> 00:23:08,993 You bet we can. 413 00:23:09,068 --> 00:23:10,899 Come here, you two. 414 00:23:11,804 --> 00:23:12,964 [Laughing} 415 00:23:15,174 --> 00:23:17,199 Oh, I'm glad we're friends again. 416 00:23:17,276 --> 00:23:19,540 Oh, me too. 417 00:23:19,611 --> 00:23:23,877 Listen, Blanche, now that we have you telling the truth, 418 00:23:23,949 --> 00:23:26,076 um... 419 00:23:26,151 --> 00:23:30,850 Would you tell us the truth about, um, Bob Fredericks. 420 00:23:33,525 --> 00:23:36,119 True, absolutely true. 421 00:23:37,029 --> 00:23:39,122 How about Howard Asher? 422 00:23:40,065 --> 00:23:41,726 True. 423 00:23:44,603 --> 00:23:46,696 Eric Murdock. 424 00:23:47,372 --> 00:23:49,806 True, true. 425 00:23:49,875 --> 00:23:51,206 He had a twin brother. 426 00:23:53,212 --> 00:23:56,045 Would I lie to my two best friends?