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[Tapping cup] Okay, okay!

- Speech, speech! - Yeah!

You made the dean's list. Let's hear something smart.

Okay, chill.

I was having a really hard time, I was barely getting C's,

but I stayed focused, and my boyfriend, Logan,

helped me a ton, and then... I don't know...

something just clicked, and I made the dean's list.

So, yay for me.

- Hey, hey! - Yay, you!

And... And he did it at a magnet school, no less, huh?

You know, the girl that does my hair

has a boy in magnet school.

The problem is, he keeps sticking to the refrigerator.

Stop right now. Don't anybody laugh at him.

We should've never bought you that toilet paper

with the jokes on it.

It makes going to the bathroom fun again.

I really appreciate all the presents,

but, please, no more Bass Pro Shop gift cards.

I know it's a re-gift, even when you cross out

"Happy Birthday, Dan."

Hey, I stood in line to get that for you.

Okay. This baby-shower cake was the only thing

the bakery had left, so I had to improvise.

Congratulations!

It's a genius!

Hey!

Hey, Mark. Nice job, dude.

Oh. Hey, Harris.

I meant to call you, but I just didn't want

to bother you now that you're living at Aldo's house.

Don't apologize. I know you didn't invite me

'cause you thought I'd be jealous,

but I love my little brother, and I'm happy when he does good.

- I know that. - And who knows?

Maybe if Mark does really good,

you'll let him decide who he wants to fall in love with

and won't throw him out of the house

like a dog who crapped on the rug.

Anyways, that's all I wanted to say.

Love you all. Goodbye.

Want me to ask her to come back?

No, let her save a little something for Mother's Day.

Well, hey, let's get this cake going, huh?

Now, everyone who's ever been on a dean's list goes first.

Don't even try.

Hey! The dean said I was on his list.

He just didn't say which list.

Give it to Grandpa. I'm kinda full.

I'll have some later.

What? How can you be full? You didn't eat lunch.

I don't know. Maybe I'm just so excited, I'm not hungry.

That's not a Brussels sprout, son.

That's cake.

You don't eat cake 'cause you're hungry.

You eat it 'cause that's all you got until there's beer.

You haven't been eating much lately. Are you okay?

Didn't you hear what I said? I'm not hungry.

Uh, he's just tired from studying so much.

And we've been eating a lot of pizza

and hot dogs and stuff.

You know, brain food.

Well, maybe next birthday, I should give you a gift card

to a pizza place, and you can give that to him.

I don't fish. Let it go.

- Hey. - How did you get in here?

You're not supposed to be working.

Came in the back.

I wanted to try out this cool leg scooter.

Stew comin' at ya, Bill!

[Horn honking]

Whoa!

There, we got it. There you go.

You didn't need a full bowl anyway.

Those jeans are screaming, "Help me!"

I know why you're doing this.

Neville and Helen are coming by to get Logan,

and you don't want him to know

that you're not as fit as his ex.

This has got nothing to do with Helen.

I might be a couple of years older than her,

but I could still kick her ass.

I mean, if somebody held her still and I could roll into her.

Helen! Neville.

Wow. Look at you walking around already.

Yeah, right back at work. Can't keep me down.

No, but I think your basketball days are over.

Next time you fall, I might not be there

to carry you to the sofa.

Well, technically, we were still playing.

You just scooped me up

so I wouldn't keep dunking on your ass.

Isn't it a little quick for you to be back at work?

Oh, no, ankle's better than before.

Watch this.

Moonwalk.

- [Horn honks] - Whoa, pardon me.

What'd I eat this morning?

What are you doing?

She's hiding the scooter because she doesn't want you

to feel sorry for her or try to help her.

She's what the doctors call "an idiot."

Is this why you've been avoiding me the last few days?

I haven't been avoiding you. I just haven't needed you.

I can take care of myself.

Ready to go.

Okay.

Please, go home and rest.

I'll stop by tomorrow afternoon.

Oh, I thought we were hiking.

Oh, right.

I'm taking them to the Michigan dunes tomorrow.

Huh? Well, I can hike!

Look, I don't need this stupid thing.

Watch, I'm standing without it.

[Inhales sharply]

Oh, there's something on the floor I got to get.

[Crying softly]

Don't look!

Just trust me... she's fine.

All right. See you later.

JACKIE: Bye-bye!

04x10 - Spills, Pills and the Midnight Lasagna

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Did anybody notice there's a fully cooked lasagna

in the fridge that wasn't there last night?

The only person here who makes lasagna is Louise,

and she's still on tour.

There has been a rash of Italian chefs

breaking in to houses and cooking meals.

But that's mostly been ravioli,

so I don't think it's related.

Well, hopefully we're in the middle of a turf war

and the cannoli gang breaks in to send a message.

I see you guys found my lasagna.

Enjoy.

Wait. When did you make that?

The middle of the night?

I had trouble falling asleep.

Probably too much coffee while I was studying.

And I felt bad about snapping at everybody

at lunch yesterday, so lasagna.

Okay. I think we've got an eating disorder.

But he didn't eat it. He made it for us to eat.

Okay, I think we've got a cooking disorder.

Finally, somebody in this family has a disorder we can use.

You think there's a problem?

First he's not eating, and now he's not sleeping.

And Mark hates coffee.

Oh. He hates our coffee.

He might like good coffee.

I've seen this before, when I was a truck driver.

People up all night driving, a little jumpy in the morning,

no appetite.

He's on the cocaine.

He can't afford cocaine.

If we pooled all of our money, we could barely afford meth.

Bitch took my coffee.

Hey, I made you some more coffee.

If you didn't sleep, you're gonna need it

to get through school.

Yeah, sure, thanks.

I'll put it in my thermos and drink it on the bus.

Oh. Well, you better taste it to make sure

it's strong enough for you.

I'm sure it's fine.

Well, you won't know unless you taste it.

[Sighs]

Yep, that's a good cup of coffee.

All right, we need to talk.

You did not stay up all night on coffee.

You're not eating. What's going on?

Nothing. Everything is fine.

You know, Jackie thinks you're on cocaine.

Oh, my God. It's not cocaine.

Wait. So it... it's something?

Yes. It's just pills for ADHD. It's not like drugs or anything.

Oh, my God. Yes, that is drugs...

for kids who have ADHD, which you do not.

Where did you get it?

You're making a big deal out of nothing.

It's like my generation's version of coffee.

Yeah, your generation also ate detergent pods.

You're a bunch of idiots.

Now give me the pills and tell me where you got them.

Please, I-I only take them when I need them.

And they're helping me.

I was drowning at this school,

and now I'm on the dean's list.

Just let me keep taking them till my midterm.

No! Give me the pills now... all of them.

Okay, okay.

- Here. - Wow.

A breath-mint tin?

What would've happened if I came in here

and was looking for a breath mint

and took one of those?

Well, you probably would have been more focused and motivated

and had your own house and no credit-card debt.

That's the drugs talking.

You know, I-I didn't fail in life

because I didn't take enough drugs.

I failed because I'm not very good at my profession

and I'm not particularly pleasant to be around.

♪♪

- How's the pain been? - It's not bad.

Nothing aspirin and a little morphine shot

directly into my spine wouldn't take care of.

I was hoping the swelling would go down by now.

- Mm. - If you're gonna get better,

you really need to stay off your feet.

Well, I'm a working woman, Doc.

If I stop, this country will grind to a halt.

So, what've you got so I can go hiking?

Oh, hiking? What kind of job do you have?

- Forest ranger. - She's not a forest ranger.

- I start tomorrow. - She owns a sports bar.

She just wants a painkiller so she can keep her boyfriend

from going on a hike alone with his hot ex.

Has the family impressed on her

that she needs to take care of herself?

Well, I certainly have.

I know the importance of taking care of yourself.

That's why I work out and eat right.

How old do you think I am?

35?

- [Both laugh] - 46.

- Really? - I know.

You might want to present me at a conference or something.

I know.

Uh, are you looking for something?

Huh? Me? No. I'm just a curious person.

You're not looking for painkillers, are you?

Just tell me if I'm hot or cold.

I gotta get off this ankle.

All the narcotics are locked up, Ms. Harris.

But I am gonna give you prescription-strength ibuprofen.

Ibuprofen?

Come on, Doc, load me up.

Let's clear Jackie for takeoff.

You just have to understand you can't rush this.

At your age, everything heals slower.

"At my age"?

What are...

You talking to me?

Well, he wasn't talking to me.

He thought I was 29.

[Chuckles]

You're not a kid anymore, Ms. Harris.

The... The body works differently at your age.

Quit saying that. I don't even want anything anymore.

Come on, Becky, let's go.

Uh, by the way, um, I left my cell number,

so if you need to check up on her

or you just are having some kind of...

loneliness emergency...

JACKIE: Beck-ay!

♪♪

Gimme all your 9s.

Mm, go fish.

How's Jackie's foot?

Oh, her foot's coming along,

but the doctor used the phrase "at your age,"

and that's gonna take a while to heal.

Mm. She looks so good,

we left her unprepared for this moment.

This is our fault.

I mean, how hard is it to take a little time every day

just to say, "God, you're old"?

You're right, and I won't make the same mistake with you two.

A little less time in the sun, girls.

I don't think I have to worry.

Did I mention the doctor was flirting with me?

Careful.

Didn't you say recovering addicts have to wait a full year

before starting any relationships?

No, not if it's a doctor.

Doctors and billionaires are exempt.

Hmm. Just watch out if you get involved with a guy

who comes with a prescription pad.

I'm a booze-hound, not a pill-head like your son.

Different rules.

Hey, he gave me all the pills, I told you.

- It's over. - Oh, man.

How many times in high school

did you give me "all" your weed?

Never, and now I'm gonna look through Mark's backpack.

Wait.

Before you go any further,

think about whether or not you want to violate his privacy

and destroy the trust you've been building for a lifetime.

Found it.

Uh, I cannot believe he lied to me.

And these are Logan's. Of course.

[Sighs] What we need to do is ask an expert

what these pills can do to somebody who doesn't need them.

Now, I don't want anything to happen to Mark,

so I'm gonna change into something tighter,

put on some makeup, and FaceTime that doctor I met today.

Logan, out.

Why? What did he do?

He gave you these.

Oh, there they are.

Uh, why were they in your backpack, Mark?

I was holding them for you, Logan.

I-I never said anything about a backpack.

Come on, you're both on speed.

You should be a lot sharper than this.

Sorry.

See you later.

No, you're not gonna see him later.

The next time you see him, he's gonna be a fat,

middle-aged man, married to his female best friend.

Oh, my God. You're really doing this?

You won't let me see my boyfriend?

- You lied to me. - I had to.

I can't compete at this school without the pills.

Well, then stop competing.

You don't have to be at the top of your class.

If you fall a little behind, it's not the end of the world.

Yes, it is.

Finishing in the top 10% of my school is the only chance

I have to get a scholarship to a good college.

But you're not eating, you're not sleeping...

if you're already taking drugs to get through high school,

college is only gonna be worse.

You have got to find another way, all right?

You're a really smart kid, and I know you'll catch up.

No, I won't.

You know that cake Aunt Becky got me?

Well, you didn't have a genius. You just had a boy.

♪♪

Whatcha doing?

Doing a deep dive on Dr. Nash's Instagram.

I was starting to think,

"Why is a guy this great still single?"

That's exactly how they start every podcast

about a serial killer.

He can't be a serial killer.

He has an adorable Sheepa-doodle and a boat.

So far so good. Any family?

Both parents dead.

No one to shame him for marrying below his station.

Promising. Anything else?

Okay, here we go.

Civil War re-enactor.

Hmm. Not necessarily bad.

Which side?

Uh, Gryffindor.

Here's a picture of him with a broom between his legs

running around a park.

I'm so sorry.

Ugh!

Is Jackie here?

She wanted to talk to me about something.

Jackie! Neville's here!

I want to see your expression when she comes in,

then we're outta here.

Ha! Too good. Let's go.

Let's face it, Neville... I'm old.

I, uh... I'm decaying as we speak.

What are you talking about? You just hurt your ankle.

No, it's much worse than that.

The doctor told me I'm not gonna heal fast because of my age.

And I never thought of myself as old,

but now I'm aware of all the changes that are going on.

I can barely see at night. I'm shrinking.

I don't think I hear all that well anymore.

You're responding to everything I'm saying.

Well, I must've learned how to read lips.

Exaggerate your vowels, would ya?

You are not old, you are crazy.

You deserve better, Neville. You should go with Helen.

Unlike me, she's got a lot of good years left on her.

I don't want her good years.

I want your good years.

Well, you missed them! You were 12!

Look, I have to go to work, but I will come by tonight,

and we'll talk more about this.

Fine. If you can't find me, look down,

as I'll probably be smaller.

♪♪

[Laughs]

You still watching the Flex Seal guy?

Oh.

I'll save you some time... there's no plot twist.

Nothing leaks.

I'm not really watching.

What's wrong?

Mark's convinced himself that he can't keep up

at the magnet school without the pills.

Sounds like a no-brainer.

He's telling you he can't handle it... yank him out.

Yeah, then I might be killing his future.

I think I'm just gonna keep him in the school

and hope he adjusts to the workload.

But I am gonna have to watch him like a hawk.

Well, what does that even mean?

You're gonna drug test him every day?

If I have to.

That's a nice bonding moment.

I think Norman Rockwell painted that.

It's called "A Specimen for Mother."

I don't... I don't know what else to do.

It's not like he was doing it to get high.

He just wants a shot at a better life.

Well, you can also say a person is doing meth

just to save time brushing those difficult-to-clean teeth.

But there's gotta be a way of doing that

where you don't destroy yourself.

You don't want him to end up like your mother.

Well, it's not the same thing.

God, this is hard.

It is when you love them.

Well, you know, there's gotta be some way

that I can help him get through that magnet school.

I mean, I just can't take it away from him.

You're the mom.

Oh, look... the Flex Seal guy's a giant now,

patching up the Hoover Dam.

Why isn't this guy running the country?

Way more qualified than that pillow guy.

I'm back.

[Door closes]

Uh, why all the copper bracelets?

Oh, it's good for the rheumatiz.

I ordered one with my name and address on it

so people could return me after I wander off.

[Sighs]

Okay.

I think I figured out that this is all about Helen.

I told you that.

Okay.

That's where I got it. Okay.

Well, I did something that I think will make you happy.

I got a friend of mine to hire Helen

at a small-animal practice downstate.

She'll be closer to Logan when he's in Oklahoma with his dad

and farther away from us.

Oh, thank you!

That does make me happy.

Oh, and it straightened out your Dowager's hump.

Yeah, I might have overreacted.

I think it comes from our age difference.

I didn't think it bothered me, but then Helen came along,

and I was bothered.

I get it.

But if anything,

you're the younger one in this relationship.

I mean, you drag me out of the house,

you push me to be more active.

I can barely keep up with you.

That was just an act I was putting on

because you're younger than me.

I don't want to be active.

I want to sit and let myself go to hell.

Well, me too. Let's go to hell together.

Oh, that would be nice.

[Both chuckle]

[Laughs]

I'm gonna start to smell.

[Both laugh]

I work with zoo animals. I won't even notice.

Aww.

♪♪

[Knock on door]

Figured you might be hungry by now,

so I brought you a snack.

Sorry, can't take time to eat.

Your son who can't keep up has to kill himself

to get that C.

Yes, about that.

I know I made a big deal about you being on the dean's list,

and I am sorry if I put too much pressure on you,

but we will figure this out.

Yeah, you work on that.

How much coffee is too much coffee?

I feel dizzy and like my heart's gonna explode.

How much have you had?

I don't know. Like three of these.

That's crazy, Mark.

You can't drink that much coffee.

I've worked too hard to just throw this away.

I need something to stay up all night so I can study.

Your hands are shaking.

Okay, that's it. You're done.

Don't take that. I need that.

I have to pass this class.

- No, you don't. - Why not?

Because I'm pulling you out of the magnet school

and re-enrolling you in public school.

No! No way! I can do this.

I wouldn't have to drink so much coffee

if you just let me take the stupid pills!

Look at yourself.

You're shaking, and you're begging for pills.

No school or grade or scholarship

is worth that, all right?

You're a smart kid.

You're just not cut out for this pace.

You don't understand the consequences,

so I'm just making a decision for you.

I do understand the consequences.

You're dooming me to a life of struggling like you guys.

No, lots of kids get into good colleges

from public schools.

And, yeah, we struggle, but we're also happy.

Is this your first day here? Who's happy?

I don't know, but somebody's got to be.

Your grandpa found Louise.

That's about it.

Fine. Pull me out of the school.

You know, Mark, you're gonna succeed wherever you go.

I will, just not the way you want me to.

I'm gonna do whatever it takes to do better than the rest of you.

Nothing's gonna get in my way.

- The rules no longer apply. - Oh, really?

The rules do apply as long as you're under my roof.

I'm not gonna let you do anything stupid,

but if you do, there will be consequences.

Until you're 18, and then you can be as stupid as you want,

and if the Conners before you are any indication,

it's gonna be Nobel Prize stupid.

- I hate you. - Then I'm doing my job.

You were right, Mom. I did say that to my kids one day.

The noise is coming from the trailer.

I'm gonna open the door, poke whatever's in there.

When it comes flying out at you,

you catch it in the bag.

I saw a guy do this on the news.

Did it work?

They didn't show that part. It was too graphic.

- Ready? Okay. - No!

Aah!

Ow!

We're gonna need a bigger bag.

What the hell are you doing in there, Harris?

Trying to sleep.

Why aren't you at Aldo's?

Aldo said I can't stay there right now.

Please don't tell my mom.

She'd be impossible if she knew she was right.

Oh, and we can't have that.

All right, for the time being, you can stay in there.

I'll get you a space heater and some food.

Thank you.

And you can have this stick to feel safe.

Don't need it.

Aldo gave me this.

You might want to knock next time.