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Ahh.

I got a great floor plan for my new house

from this plan store.

Take a look. This is really nice.

Well, the plan uses the square footage pretty well.

I know. And...

[Drawer opens, closes]

...I want to put a finished basement right here.

Uh, no way.

You and I get in a fight, next thing I know,

you're locking me down there with Beverly Rose

and I'm tapping on the pipes for help.

No, it's for Mark.

He's getting older now, and I want him to have a place

where he can hang out with his friends

and play video games and stuff.

Mm-hmm. My house had a basement growing up.

I don't really remember playing video games so much,

but I do remember my pants being off a lot.

Just because you couldn't keep your hands off yourself

doesn't mean that I shouldn't get a basement.

Just remember, basements flood,

especially when your tenant down there

lets her bathtub overflow.

I needed the water to put out the fire I caused

by leaving my curling iron on the bathmat.

You're welcome!

Hey, don't finish the basement, just seal it.

That makes more sense.

I think I'll decide what makes sense.

Just like you decided that your face

should be more wolf pelt than face.

Whoa. I'm trying to help.

Why do you keep jumping on me?

Because you keep telling me what to do with my house.

Let's have a code, okay?

When I want your opinion,

I will use these special words...

"Ben, I will probably do the opposite,

but what do you think?"

If you want to help somebody, help me.

There's only one bedroom that has its own bathroom.

I need a private bathroom too.

Well, you've just knocked out all the load-bearing walls,

so you'll be bathing while the dogs

are trying to sniff you out of the rubble.

Hey, your primary bathroom doesn't even have two sinks.

People want two sinks, you know, for resale value.

Here you go with your mansplaining again.

I don't care about resale value.

I'm going to live here for the rest of my life,

and I only need one sink.

Now, if that's a problem,

just get me everything at cost and go on your way...

until I need you to come back and build it.

But then, on your way.

04x18 - The Best Laid Plans, a Contrabassoon and a Sinking Feeling

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Hey, guys? Come here, I want to show you something.

Please? It's really important to me.

Uh, hey, a delivery van full of fried chicken

just broke down in front of the house.

Tricked you vultures into caring about me again.

Oh, that is so sad.

He didn't have any friends so he built one.

It's not a friend, it's a contrabassoon.

Check it out.

[Sour note plays]

I know.

I thought I could teach myself with free online lessons,

but do you guys have any idea where I can find a teacher?

I-I've gotta make the school orchestra

to even have a chance of getting a college scholarship.

Wait a minute. You guys remember

my mom's old boyfriend, Lou?

He was a virtuoso on a few different instruments.

And if I'm remembering correctly,

one of them was the contrabassoon.

Actually, nothing else sounds like contrabassoon,

so it had to be that.

That's great.

Do you know how to get in touch with him?

Um, somebody just has to call Bev

and see if she's still got his number,

and since we all hate her and you don't hate her yet,

it's gonna be you, Mark.

Fine.

Hi, Grandma Bev. It's Mark.

Yeah, Aunt Jackie said your old boyfriend, Lou,

played the contrabassoon.

Y-Yes, yeah, she's still dating a much younger man,

and, no, I don't know what's wrong with him. [Sighs]

I'm really just trying to find a contrabassoon teacher.

Uh, okay.

Lou Vitore?

Do... Do you have his number?

Okay. All right.

All right, okay. Thank you.

What's that? Oh, you want to talk to Aunt Jackie?

Um, she's busy right now,

but she says she loves you

and can't wait to come over and give you a nice sponge bath.

[Whispers] What?!

Just kidding, she already hung up.

Oh, Mark.

Oh, uh, you have to push the red button, Grandma.

Okay.

All right, I'll... I'll tell her you still want the sponge bath.

I played a joke and then life played a joke.

♪♪

It's weird. You've got a pizza oven,

but I never see people eat pizza in here.

You're about to find out why.

Hey, it's delicious.

Finally!

Whatever was living in the oven, you can't taste it anymore!

Okay, so I estimated materials

based on the changes you guys wanted.

Would you mind giving these to Darlene?

Why don't we find a third party

since neither of us really like being in her presence?

[Chuckles] Right?

You saw how she bites my head off

every time I bring something up about the house.

I mean, I-I don't know what her problem is.

I'm offering her everything at cost.

I'm doing all this work for free.

Huh, I bet you wish she moved to Rockford now.

No.

I didn't want her to move away.

Really?

You would've missed her if she moved away?

Well, you know,

the devil you know, you know?

That's a lot of "you knows."

Yeah, I know.

So, she bites your head off every time you say something,

but you keep coming over,

and you're making this big push for two sinks.

Who would use that second sink, Ben?

No, it's not for anyone.

It's for resale value.

I mean, it could be for someone who loves her

and wants to live with her,

like someone who has a railroad spike through their head

and can no longer feel dignity.

Thou doth protest too much me thinks.

Me is in college.

Look. It's real clear

Darlene has decided she's gonna have a one-sink life.

I don't even know why we're talking about this.

Because at the end of the day,

I'm really just a basic bitch who loves hot goss.

All right.

You want me to tell you how I really feel about Darlene?

Yeah.

[Whispers] Her sister's a huge pain in the ass.

Okay.

Eat your rat pizza and hit the bricks.

[Laughs]

Whatcha doin'?

I gotta hurry up and get ready for my lesson.

Last time, I was like a minute late and Lou got upset.

He says artistry's lost one minute at a time.

[Scoffs] He sounds like a hard-ass.

Don't let him make you anxious.

[Knock on door]

Do not make any contrabassoon jokes in front of Lou.

[Gasps] I just can't stop them!

I'll write them down, and you can hear all about them later.

Hiya, Lou, come on in.

- I'm Dan, Mark's grandpa. - Oh.

Good to meet you.

I'm Caleb's grandpa.

We don't need to know that, either.

Well, here's something you might want to know...

I'm a musician, too.

Harmonica.

Harmonica?

It's not an instrument.

It's a toy you find in a cereal box.

Well, Bob Dylan may not agree with you,

but unfortunately you're here, Bob's not.

I'm almost finished warming up.

Warm up on your own time, not my time.

How long did you practice last night?

Uh, two hours.

Two hours isn't going to cut it.

If you want to learn the contrabassoon,

plan on four hours a night.

Yes, sir.

I'll practice for as long as I have to

if it's gonna get me a scholarship to college.

What?

You don't learn the contrabassoon to go to college,

you learn the contrabassoon

because you love the contrabassoon.

Can I do both?

Apparently you can't do either.

This instrument demands sacrifice...

your time, your family, your friends, your lovers.

Your new lover...

is the contrabassoon.

Are you ready for that, Mark?

I-I-I'm ready for that.

I... Look around, I'm dying to give all this up.

Then play with that passion.

Major scale, now.

[Plays sour notes]

Wrong.

Again.

[Plays sour notes]

Wrong!

What's wrong with you?

I've seen a chicken play a piano.

Are you even trying?

What the hell's the matter with this guy?

It's only the kid's second lesson.

Why does he have to ride him like that?

You played football in high school.

Didn't your coaches ride you?

Oh, yeah, I saw some practices

where the coach called him dumbass or "crap for brains"...

- Yeah, but... - ...numbnuts,

butt-picking mouth-breather, and, uh...

She gets the idea.

No, please, go on.

...Cry Baby Conner, Ding-Dong Danny,

Dumber Than a Bag of Doorknobs.

Stop!

I'm gonna talk to this guy before the next lesson.

Mark's not built like me.

I can let this stuff roll off, he takes things personal.

And don't ever call me Ding-Dong Danny again.

Hey, what're you doing?

Oh, I'm just wrapping up some stuff

I want to save from the house before we knock it down.

Are any of those urns unoccupied?

They'd make really cool looking cookie jars.

This is from Ben.

Why didn't he just bring it to me?

Because you keep attacking him

like that psychotic rabbit from the Monty Python movie.

No, I didn't attack him.

Maybe he felt attacked because he's so stupid and patriarchal.

I don't know about patriarchal,

but he is definitely stupid

because he still has feelings for you.

[Scoffs] What are you talking about?

When he dropped these off,

he kind of said he'd miss you if you moved to Rockford.

And the way he's pushing the whole two sinks thing...

Just stop, okay? I don't know why you think

you should be reading something into this.

Ben has made it very clear,

over and over again, that we're done.

He thinks the same thing about you.

What if you guys aren't done?

No, we are, and I cannot go through this again, okay?

I've finally gotten to a place

where I am okay with living by myself with one sink.

Leave it alone, Becky.

Okay. Sorry.

I just thought you'd want to know,

because you'll be out of luck

once scientists figure out a cure

for whatever it is that makes Ben like you.

I heard they're putting Fauci on it.

- [Knock on door] - [Grunts]

[Television shuts off]

Well, look who it is.

Harmonica boy.

[Chuckles]

Look, Lou,

I need to talk to you before Mark comes down.

I caught some of your lesson yesterday...

...I'd appreciate it if you'd lighten up on the boy.

[Chuckles] Well, I'm not taking notes from you,

Ding-Dong Danny.

Yes, I heard you in the kitchen.

Mark's a sweet kid.

He tries hard.

There's no sense in treating him like a rented mule.

Thank you for your home-spun wisdom.

Now, if you're done,

get the boy down here

and move aside.

I'm not done because you're not getting it.

So let me put it this way...

if I ever hear you yelling at him like that again,

it'll be the last time.

My daughter's got a house with a crematorium,

and I'm just itching to fire that thing up.

So, if I don't change the way I teach,

you'll kill me

and burn my body?

You're taking that very literally,

but... yeah, something bad will happen to you.

You know what?

It's not worth what you pay me

to try to bring culture to you people.

You can go back to playing washboards

and your moonshine jugs.

Good day, sir.

I, uh, thought I heard Lou. Where is he?

Uh, he just left.

I told him I didn't like the way he was treating you,

and he totally overreacted.

What did you say?

Nothing.

I simply asked him to respect you,

and I might've made a joke about burning him alive.

Maybe he took that the wrong way, I don't know.

Damn it, Grandpa!

He was my last hope to get into college.

You're ruining my life.

I was defending you.

I can handle anything he throws at me,

because that's what I need to do to get where I want to go.

You need to fix this.

Fine.

I'll go talk to Lou.

And don't come back without him.

The contrabassoon has made you hard.

I could've done this by myself.

- [Sighs] - What are we even looking for?

Well, depending on what kind of shape

the stones from the chimney are in,

we can save them during the demo and use them inside.

I think they'd make a great accent wall.

Well, I don't even know if I want those stones.

This was a funeral home.

A lot of people have wafted up through that chimney.

No, no, no, t-this one comes from the family room fireplace.

That one's the one that the souls come out.

Wow. [Chuckles] You can see everything from up here.

Look at all the seagulls circling the dump.

Pretty.

Well, hey, hey.

This is why I came up here, okay?

You gotta be careful where you're stepping, okay?

This roof has some wood rot underneath,

and it's a little soft in places.

Yeah, I'll be fine.

I know since I'm saying it,

your first instinct is to ignore it,

but trust me, wood rot is no joke.

Yeah, wood rot is so complicated that a woman like me

couldn't possibly figure it out by herself.

Look, I'm not worried. I weigh less than a sandwich.

Oh, God. Why are you so hard to deal with?

I am not threatening your precious independence

by helping you build a decent house.

Why are you mocking my independence?

I went through hell learning to be okay on my own,

and especially because you were a part of that,

I would think you could stop making fun of it.

Oh, don't try to blame me

for the fact that we didn't work out.

I think we both had a hand in that.

Yes, okay, I admit it.

I made mistakes, but you know what?

I'm a different person now, and I'm trying to move on.

So just back off and let me have my one sink.

Fine! Fine.

I hope you're so happy

in your ridiculous one-sink house that you never leave,

and the rest of the human race can live in peace!

Oh, I will be happy,

because there won't be anybody telling me what to do

or where on my own roof I can step.

You know what?

Maybe I'll just do a little dance right here.

[Laughs mockingly]

Or here! ♪ Dun-dun-dun-dun, dun-dun-dun-dun, dun ♪

Or here!

Ohh!

Darlene!

Are you okay?

No, I just fell through a house.

What was that for?

I'm just so happy you're not dead.

That didn't feel like a thanks-for-being-alive kiss,

but I-I liked it.

[Winces]

Yeah, I gotta be honest,

I'm tasting a little blood there.

Um, I think we should really,

uh, get you to the emergency room, okay?

Yeah, probably a good idea.

All right. Slow, slow, slow.

[Groaning] Ow, ow, ow.

It's okay. I got you, I got you.

[Groaning]

Oh, okay. Here, here, here.

- [Grunts] - Okay.

[Both breathing heavily]

Lighter than a sandwich, my ass.

♪♪

What do you want?

I came to apologize.

You mind if I come in and talk to you?

Fine.

- You got a lot going on here. - [Door closes]

Did you really play with the Boston Pops?

Oh, I played with the Pops.

I played with Bernstein.

I played with the Chicago Symphony.

Are you on any of these records?

All of them.

This is my legacy!

Look, uh...

I shouldn't have spoken to you the way that I did.

I'm very protective of my grandson.

That's not why I walked out.

You want to know why I really walked out?

Because I made a lighthearted jab about cremating you?

Oh, no, no.

Because I realized

with the amount of time that boy has

to master that instrument,

I'd have to drive him so hard I'd break him.

You don't have to worry about that, Lou.

The kid will do anything to go to college

and make his life better.

He took amphetamines.

He hustled rich kids by selling them illegal essays.

That's terrible,

but clearly, he has the soul of a musician.

So help him.

He'll kill himself to rise to your standards.

And if you're as good a teacher as you say you are,

he'll make you proud.

I'll do it.

I'm one of the best contrabassoon teachers there is.

Then again, there's only three of us.

♪♪

- Hey. - WOMAN ON PA: Dr. Baker to pediatrics, please.

For you.

Aww, this is so sweet.

Yeah, 50 bucks in the hospital gift shop.

Take it back.

I just gotta do one thing first.

[Sighs]

What are you doing?

I'm proposing.

Will you marry me?

Where's this coming from?

Well, when you fell through the roof,

I thought I lost you,

and then all that stuff about,

you know, who did what to who in the relationship

just became meaningless.

And just to be clear, it was what you did to me,

but I don't care about that anymore.

You're... You're not gonna change your mind, right?

'Cause I couldn't handle that.

Give me total amnesty for everything I ever did.

Okay, yeah.

The lying and the cheating and everything...

you're forgiven.

I just want us to spend the rest of our lives together.

[Scoffs]

This is impossible.

I-I can't believe this is happening.

Don't marry me just 'cause you want a sink.

I don't know how else to get one.

I love you.

I love you, too.

Then answer the damn question 'cause I'm not asking again.

[Laughs] Yes. Yes, yes.

[Both chuckle]

Okay.

What are you doing?

Well, I gotta put this thing back on the bear

or otherwise I won't get my money back.

[French accent] Mesdames and monsieur,

tonight for your listening pleasure,

I present Mark, master of the contrabassoon.

- Ooh. - Whoo!

Now that I've had another lesson with Lou,

I wanted to play something

to thank my family for all your support,

especially my Grandpa Dan.

"Free Bird"!

[Playing "Hot Cross Buns"]

Mommy, is it supposed to sound like that?

God, I hope not.