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[Sniffles]

Oh, thank God.

Please tell me you picked up my antihistamines.

I love you.

- Damn it, Dan. - I'm sorry.

I was over at the funeral home with my crew,

looking at what we need for the demo

and rebuild for Darlene, and I totally spaced.

Look, I-I asked you yesterday, I reminded you today.

Even Beverly Rose knew I wasn't feeling well.

She came over with her toy stethoscope

and listened to my lungs and just shook her head.

I don't think Beverly Rose should making a diagnosis.

The Lanford Little Friends

is one of the worst-ranked toddler med schools in the country.

Hey, look, as soon as the construction crew leaves,

I'll run out and get your medicine.

No, never mind. I'll go myself.

Something else will just come up and you'll forget again.

But if I have a sneezing fit and drive off a bridge,

I'm gonna come back every hay fever season

and haunt your old ass.

[Door closes]

Okay, daughter number two,

the construction crew's on its way over

with a list of materials you're gonna need.

Wow. I have a construction crew.

It's starting to feel real.

What are you working on there?

Oh, I'm just going over my finances.

Even with the construction loan

and taking over Blansky's mortgage,

my housing might actually cost less

than the rent I'm paying to my current slumlord.

I don't think it's fair to call me that.

Real slumlords make money.

I think you're a great slumlord, Dad.

I told you I needed a window in my bathroom,

and you put a painting of a window in there the next day.

Now I can see the Aegean Sea from my toilet.

All right, just one last calculation.

I want to see what my property tax is gonna be.

[Keyboard clacks]

Holy crap.

It's gonna be like $6,000 a year.

Taxes suck. But ever since I put down 11 dependents,

my paycheck is much bigger.

Well, and don't forget about all your insurance, too.

You got your mortgage, flood, fire, homeowner's.

Oh, man, I didn't figure in any of those.

Dad, do you have all that stuff?

I wish.

I gamed the system by not having anything of value.

Okay, Becky, I held the line on your rent control

for nearly five minutes,

but it's time to double your rent.

If you're gonna gouge me, I might as well live at the Ritz.

You wanna live in a fancy hotel, honey?

No, I'll miss Grandpa.

If we're at a fancy hotel,

Mommy can find a rich Grandpa to date

who will buy you a pony.

Okay.

Ah, hey, here they are, Darlene.

Here's your construction crew.

Of what?

The pyramids?

These gentlemen all gave me my start.

You remember everybody.

- Hey, guys. - How you doing?

Always went above and beyond for these guys,

and now they're gonna return the favor.

Yeah, we're more than happy to help Dan's daughter

get her dream home.

Mind if I sit down?

After a long day of dialysis,

that walk from the door kind of took it out of me.

You ought to try some of my copper bracelets.

They really boosted my energy.

I don't fall asleep at traffic lights

and wake up to find myself rolling through intersections anymore.

I'll tell you what. Why don't you guys head over to Casita Bonita

and we'll go over the materials list there?

Lunch is on me.

Sounds Mexican. No thanks.

Last time I had chili, it cost me two feet of my colon.

Boo-hoo. I got a pig aorta.

Come on. Let's go.

See you over there.

[Grunts]

- Those guys can't demo a house. - [Door closes]

They can't even digest food.

They're free.

You can't afford to be picky.

Here's hoping when the Grim Reaper

swings his sickle at one of those guys,

he'll miss and knock a wall down instead.

Great, now on top of all the taxes and insurance,

I'm gonna have to hire some younger guys?

I'm about to sign papers,

and I can't afford to do all the stuff we planned.

I have to make some more money.

Well, you've been at Wellman's for, what, a couple years now?

Go in there and ask for a raise.

Hey. Yes. The time is right.

You know, all these companies are desperately trying

to hang on to the employees that they've got.

Oh, yeah, that's true. I mean, I screw up all the time,

and they still keep me around at my job.

I told them I was taking the trash out two hours ago,

but really, I just came here to get food.

Oh, God. I gotta get back. I'm gonna miss my lunch break.

Well, under my management,

- production efficiency went up 15%. - [Door opens, closes]

Hey, that's pretty good. Is that worth a raise?

Yeah, I think it's pretty good,

considering there's no such thing as production efficiency.

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

[Knock on door]

- Got a minute? - Yep.

Yeah. Fine.

[Sighs] We have got to do something about Sleepy Kevin.

He dozed off in a box of packing peanuts,

woke up on a truck halfway to Moline.

He was this close to being frozen

in the belly of a FedEx plane.

Okay. Okay.

I will put Cokehead Annie next to Sleepy Kevin on the line,

and her mindless jabbering will keep him awake.

Done.

That kind of creative thinking deserves a raise,

don't you think?

Well, sure. But you're not getting one.

Why not?

I've been here for almost two years.

I've increased production efficiency by 27%.

I haven't taken home any toilet paper or bottled water

in like a year.

When I measured the copy machine

to see if it would fit in my car, I knew I had a problem.

If it didn't fit in my car, it's not gonna fit in yours.

Look, you deserve a raise.

And so do I.

But the only people getting them are the line workers

so they won't quit.

What, so I can't afford to get a house

because we have to hold on to Cokehead Annie?

She does the work of four people,

but she does it wrong.

You coming in here does give me an idea, though.

If we go in together and threaten to quit,

they'd have to give it to us.

Whoa.

Threaten to quit?

What if they let us?

They can't afford to lose us both.

After all, we've upped production efficiency by 38%.

No, 27%.

The number I made up is better.

So, you with me?

Well, I trust you like I trust my family.

That's not a good thing,

so I'm gonna go run it by some strangers.

I'm gonna test your reflexes.

Okay, Doc. Go for it.

[Giggles]

Oop!

Your parts are all mixed up.

You know what fixes that?

A sip of Grandpa's medicine.

Mommy says beer doesn't fix anything.

She's right.

- Money fixes everything. - [Door opens]

And for proof, here's a dollar not to tell Mom

I asked you to hand me my beer.

I just need a minute to change

and then I'll be ready to go to the concert.

I can't go, honey.

- What? Wh... - I sent you a text.

- Didn't you get it? - No.

Hey, come on.

We've been planning to see Bachman-Turner Overdrive

for over a month.

What's going on?

Becky's study group realized

they were working on the wrong assignment

- and they need to start over... - [Sighs]

... so I'm watching Beverly Rose for her.

I sent the text to Chuck.

He wrote back, "I spent the day with you.

I've gotten my fill of old white guys."

I was really looking forward to this.

Well, we'll see BTO another time.

We can't see BTO another time.

The only business they're taking care of

is getting their affairs in order.

We'll see another band. It's fine.

I'm upset, Dan, and... and you're just acting

like it's no big deal.

What do you expect me to do?

Drop my granddaughter off at the fire station

- so I can go to a concert? - I-I didn't say that.

Well, what the hell are you saying?

'Cause I'm saying it's more important

for my daughter to get a degree

than it is for me to go to a concert.

Uh, th-that's not fair.

Well, no, what's not fair is everybody needs something from me,

- and I'm only one person. - You know what?

I am not getting into a screaming match with you over this.

We're still talking. Where are you going?

She's mad at you. You should give her a dollar.

Unlearn that immediately.

Okay.

♪

Hey. You get the raise?

No. The company's strapped.

Robin wants me to threaten to quit with her

because she says it gives us more leverage,

but how can I take that risk?

I think I'm gonna have to tell her no.

Risks are a part of life.

You have to be fearless.

Roseanne and I, we took a big leap

when we opened our loose meat place.

But that went bust.

Well, yeah, but that's your mother's fault,

because she's not here to defend herself.

This hurts to say, but Jackie's right.

You can't get ahead unless you take some chances.

That's why I started the bike shop

when your mom and I had nothing.

But that went bust, too.

Yes, and I'd do it again because I don't have to sit around

wondering whether I could've run a successful bike shop.

Now I know I can't.

Hard to believe neither of you is a motivational speaker.

Honey, the point is, if you're too afraid to try,

you'll never know whether you could've gotten the raise

or could've gotten the house.

[Sighs] God, I want that house so bad.

Take it from an old man.

It's easier to live with failure than regret.

I wouldn't listen to these two "Shark Tank" rejects.

Robin's really smart.

If she thinks you can get a raise, I'd go for it.

Yeah, maybe.

I mean, one of the Conners has to succeed eventually.

- It's the law of averages. - [Door opens]

Like going to a tropical island

and being killed by a falling coconut.

There's no reason that can't happen to me, right?

Eh.

You think Louise is okay?

I've been calling her. She's not picking up.

Probably avoiding you.

Uh, let me call.

I married you guys, for God's sakes.

- She'll answer for me. - Mm.

[Line ringing]

LOUISE: Who is this?

It's the woman who married you.

I never married a woman.

I-I mean, I dabbled in the '70s.

Where are you, hon? I'm worried.

I'm at the funeral home.

I just need a little time to myself.

I'm gonna sleep here tonight.

Good night.

- [Call ends] - Mm.

I'm going over there.

We've never had a fight where she just walked out on me.

Dan, she just told you she doesn't want to see you.

You're just gonna make it worse.

I tell you that all the time and it doesn't work.

Well, I know you don't mean it.

Oh, but I do.

Get out.

See?

This is our thing we do, right here.

♪

- Hey. - Oh, hey.

Uh, cremation, huh?

Might as well know what you're in for.

Even if my dad told you

you're gonna have a really beautiful funeral,

it was always gonna be fire and a cardboard box.

Did your dad send you over here to apologize for him?

No. I wanted to say sorry for screwing up your date night.

Don't be mad at him.

He was just helping me out 'cause I was in a jam.

Look, I love that he's generous and always wants to help,

but you don't seem to realize he has a wife now.

He does?

I thought all the women's underwear in the wash

were thrown at him by his fans.

We know he has a wife.

Do you?

'Cause every time one of you needs something,

you expect your dad to drop everything and take care of you.

And the thing he usually drops is me.

[Sighs]

We're family, Louise.

I'm family, too.

Then you should know that when we're in crisis,

we survive by undercutting each other

so that our crisis gets taken care of first.

Babysitting isn't exactly a crisis.

And now he's gonna be busy building that house for you and Darlene,

I'm never gonna see him.

Building the house was your idea!

I was being nice.

Well, you made a mistake! Move on!

I do not want to fight.

I'm leaving.

You cannot just walk out in the middle of a fight!

How are we gonna know who wins?

♪

This is a huge mistake.

Would you relax?

We have to be cool and confident.

We deserve this raise.

You know who doesn't get a raise?

The fidgety and sweaty.

I can't help it.

My low self-esteem is shooting out my armpits.

You know, I'm going.

You have got to start believing in yourself.

This is a pivotal moment in your life,

and you will never forgive yourself if you walk out.

Okay, you're right.

I'm just terrified I'm gonna say the wrong thing.

Just follow my lead, and try not to sweat through the chair.

So, what can I do for you two?

Well, Marcus, it's no secret

that Darlene and I make an effective management team.

This year, we've increased production efficiency by 54%.

Isn't that what you said, Darlene?

Uh... yeah. Uh, 54% sounds right.

Even I'm impressed when I hear it.

Together, we've created a steadying influence

during a time of personnel upheaval.

So much upheaval.

Too much, really. [Chuckles]

That's why we both would like our first raise in years,

and if our request isn't met,

we have no other choice but to resign immediately.

Is that how you feel, too, Darlene?

Mm-hmm.

Well, I'm just gonna say it...

You both deserve a raise.

Oh. Thank you.

And I really hope that compliment holds you over,

because I just can't give you a raise.

All the money's been allocated

to keep the line workers from quitting.

What, so we can't get a raise

'cause you have to hold on to Cokehead Annie at all costs?

She's the first one in and last one to leave.

Well, yeah, she lives here. Her house went up her nose.

Well, whoever's pee I'm testing is coming back clean.

[Chuckles] Anyway,

I know you'll be an asset to whatever company you work for.

Good luck.

[Chuckles] Okay, all right.

Yeah, now we've stated our bargaining positions.

Now it's time to haggle.

No. [Chuckles] No haggling.

Thank you for your service.

I think that's just for people in the armed forces.

Well, I didn't mean it anyway.

So, please see yourselves out.

Well, that's step one.

Step one?

There are no other steps.

He just let us quit.

Oh, my God.

What am I gonna do?

I don't have a job.

I'm not gonna be able to get that house.

I-I let my kids down and my family,

and this is all because of you.

You told me I was valuable.

You told me to believe in myself.

What kind of stupid advice is that?

Look, I don't know how I'm gonna save Darlene extra money

so you can go hire younger guys.

I'm already getting her all the materials at cost.

Maybe we skip the eight-foot ceilings.

[Chuckles] She's a munchkin.

Seven-foot ceilings will make her feel

like she's in Westminster Abbey.

What about Becky?

- She's regular human size. - [Door opens]

Mm. Okay. We're done.

Go on. Beat it. Scram!

- Yep. - Go!

- All right! - Hi, babe.

Uh, Becky told me you were on your way over,

so I'm making a meal

- for my special lady. - [Refrigerator door closes]

Hear that, Ben?

You're special.

Hey.

I know I blew it with the concert.

I'm sorry.

Can't we put it behind us?

Dan, it's never gonna be behind us.

This is how you are with the family.

You are constantly putting out their fires.

And I don't want to have to create a fire

just to get your attention.

Are you really asking me to stop helping my kids?

[Scoffs] Of course not.

I just want to feel like I'm as much a priority as they are.

You are a priority.

Am I?

Did you ask Becky to try to find someone else

before you said yes to watching her kid?

No, I did not.

All right.

So, look, here's the deal...

don't stop helping your kids.

Just change the equation

so that you factor me in more than you do right now.

If someone asks you to do something, ask yourself,

"Am I the only one who could do this,

or would I rather get laid tonight?"

Got it.

The kids are dead to me.

[Chuckles]

Not now.

♪

[Exhales sharply]

You need to chill.

You're pacing so hard,

my smartwatch is picking up your steps.

Marcus is probably meeting with the partners right now,

going over the numbers

in order to make our raises work.

Did you eat the worm?

Right now, they are going up and down the line

looking for two people

who can pass a background check

and a drug test to replace us.

I hired most of those people. I think we're safe.

Ha-ha-ha.

You think your jokes are funny right now?

Do you see me laughing?

Now that you're no longer my boss,

I can tell you that I always laughed,

but your jokes were never funny.

Well, let me tell you that,

now that I'm no longer your boss,

I knew they weren't funny.

I just wanted to see you suck up to me.

All right, that's it. I'm gonna cave.

I'm going to beg for my job back at my old salary.

You think you've seen sucking up?

That was amateur hour.

Wait.

We still have all the leverage.

You just need to show some backbone a little while longer.

If we had any leverage, they would have given us the raise

in the office, or... or on our way down to the car,

or the last two hours that we've been here.

We're gonna be sweeping up hair

at Super Duper Cuts a year from now

with you saying, "They're gonna be calling any minute."

What? No ridiculous overconfidence?

No "We've got them right where we want them"?

Well, you've made some good points.

What? No! No!

Tell me I'm hysterical!

Yes, okay, you are.

I'm just saying you might have something there.

[Scoffs]

- [Bottle thuds] - All right, I-I'm going to grovel.

Are you coming?

Seems like the prudent thing to do.

Maybe if we go in and beg together,

we'll have more leverage.

Shut up!

- [Cellphone chimes] - Ah.

Here it is.

[Laughing]

They're giving me the raise.

[Country music playing]

♪

Maybe it went into your spam folder.

No, it's just hundreds of e-mails

reminding me that I have $6 in Old Navy Cash.

Hopefully, I can use it to buy food.

Well, this is awkward.

I hate you so much.

You've destroyed my life,

and I'm gonna spend the rest of my waking hours

hoping that you fail at everything you do.

[Cellphone chimes]

Yes! I got it!

Yes!

[Clears throat] Now that you are my boss again,

I would like to say that I-I actually do think

your jokes are pretty funny.

Shut up.

♪

Hey, Darlene!

I didn't hear your car in the driveway!

I took an Uber. Long story.

Well, did you get the raise?

Okay. Uh, I got it. I got the raise.

[Loudly] You got the raise?

_

[All cheering]

See?

We knew you got the raise all along.

Wow. I-I had a couple dark moments,

but it's great to know that you guys had faith in me.

- Yeah. - Oh, that is so sweet.

We wrote something on both sides.

_

ALL: Yay!

- Synced & corrected by MementMori - -- www.MY-SUBS.com --