Original subtitles

[bluesy harmonica music]

- I like it, but I am curious,

why are we doing Monday night dinner tradition

all of the sudden?

- Everybody's really busy,

and I thought connecting over dinner would be

a nice way to start the week.

- And I got a deal on meat.

I found out the market doesn't

throw away expired meat on the weekends

'cause there's no trash pickup.

Once you're in the know,

you ask the butcher on Monday morning,

and you get it for half price.

- So we're basically beating the beef to the dumpster?

- Pfft. There's no way it's beef at this price.

- Hey, look at all the dessert we got

at the day-old bakery outlet.

- Oh, that's perfect. Dad's serving day-old beef.

- So listen, I have to talk to everybody

about Mark's graduation.

They are only giving three tickets to family,

so I'm really sorry, it's just gonna be

me, Ben, and Harris. - Aww.

- Well, since you brought it up,

there's only room for five people in my will,

so Mark's out.

- We're all out. There's no room

because of the bank, the mortgage company,

Capital One, and the very generous

but unwise people at BevMo! who let you open a tab.

- Well, whether we go to the ceremony or not,

we've gotta do something special for Mark's graduation--

like surprise party? - Yeah.

- Well, I have time to organize the thing.

I'll do it.

I'll just need help decorating The Lunch Box.

- The Lunch Box?

We go there almost every day of our lives.

How is that special?

- Hey, a lot of...

important family moments have taken place at The Lunch Box.

I mean, sure, I had a nervous breakdown there once

when it was a Chinese restaurant.

And, uh, of course,

Roseanne got mugged there.

- And when you took it over,

it basically tore the family apart.

- Oh, don't forget, that's why you slapped me.

- Yep, yeah. Thank you.

So what...

what was my point again?

- That The Lunch Box is a black hole of tragedy.

But it's free. So that's where we'll do it.

- Hey. - [gasps]

Oh, my God, I forgot I was supposed

to pick you up from school.

- Ah, that's okay. He called me, I picked him up.

We had a lot of fun talking smack about you

the whole way home.

Well, go on, tell 'em your news, dude!

- I ended up with the highest GPA in the Honor Society,

so I get to speak at graduation.

[all cheer]

- Huh, how 'bout this guy?

- You speaking in front of 400 students

is quite an honor.

Can't wait to read about it in the paper.

- I'm sorry, Grandpa.

I know there's not enough seats.

- No, this is awful.

Grandpa, I know how important it is

for you to be there, and I have a ticket, so...

let's start the bidding at $25.

- Sorry, um,

I'm actually gonna need your ticket too.

Dad called. He's coming.

- Well, he sure didn't mention that on the way home.

[bluesy rock music]

♪

- "The Conners" is filmed

in front of a live studio audience.

- This is weird.

Why would Dad suddenly show up after four years?

- I think we should embrace this.

Let's welcome him into our home

and poison him with your dumpster meat.

- He's not gonna show up anyway.

He's just gonna flake like he always does.

- Yeah, and Mark will be crushed if that happens.

I don't like any of this.

You know, I gotta talk to David.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, just be careful.

You know, the bond between a son and a father

is very complicated.

Luckily, I've worked through all the emotional garbage

I had with my dad.

Well, I'm gonna go get some tequila from the garage

and do...

do some double shots for...

no reason at all.

- You see the damage

a crappy father can do?

And this is so David.

He just goes through these phases

where he thinks he can show up and make good,

and then he can't bear the idea of people confronting him

about being an absent father, and he runs away again.

[sighs] You know what? I--I gotta text him.

- I'm with Ben.

For Mark's sake, just try and be cool.

- Yeah, of course.

The emoji that looks like frozen yogurt

but it's brown and has eyes,

that's what I think it is, right?

- So no pressure, Louise, but if David doesn't show,

this surprise party has to be so good that Mark forgets

about his heartbreaking relationship with his father

who abandoned him once again.

So I'm thinking photo booth.

- Oh, perfect.

That way he can take a picture like this.

This is where my dad should've been.

- Okay, what's your bright idea?

- We should take him on a limo ride.

- Yeah, we should spend a hundred bucks

so he can stick his head out a moonroof and yell,

"Whoo-hoo! Class of '23!

I have no friends and my mom's a lunch lady!"

- You know what they say, pitch, don't bitch.

What've you got?

- Well, I think he'd prefer a DJ

and a couple of food trucks outside the house.

There. I pitched, bitch.

- No, no, no.

- All right, look, if I'm gonna do this,

you are gonna all have to agree on at least one thing.

Otherwise it's gonna be a mess.

- I've got an idea that'll make everybody happy:

a pinball machine.

- Okay, we're hosting this party at my restaurant,

and I want the photo booth.

You only graduate once, and a photo booth is a way

to commemorate this milestone with the people that you love.

Without it, it's like it never even happened.

I'm gonna get drunk with Ben in the garage!

[bluesy harmonica music]

- I just talked to Dad.

He said you texted him and tried to talk him out

of coming to my graduation?

- No, I told him not to promise he was coming

if there was any chance he was gonna bail.

And I also told him a nice graduation present

for you would be a toaster because ours is not wide enough

to take bagels, thank you.

- What were you thinking?

Whether Dad comes or not is none of your business.

I want him there.

- Since when is it so important

to you to have him around?

- Now.

This is my first big milestone in life.

He left when I was a little kid,

and I wanna know my father.

And you don't know what's gonna happen this time.

Maybe he's changed.

- [sighs] Honey, you-- you sound just like I did

my entire relationship with him.

I've known him for 30 years,

and he never changes.

- What's the common denominator there?

You.

Maybe you're creating a self-fulfilling prophecy.

You're the one who's scaring him off.

- Wh--how am I scaring him off?

- He probably knows that if he comes,

you're gonna point out every single thing

he's ever done wrong.

- Sometimes it's good to summarize.

It helps people remember.

- You're already blaming him

for something he hasn't even done.

You're the one who's ruining my day.

You know, I'm old enough to take care of myself now,

so why don't you just back off and let me.

♪

- [imitating horn]

Your man is home from the hunt.

Oh, you should've been there.

I came face-to-face with two double cheeseburgers,

and I bagged 'em.

- No fries?

- Well, they tried to make a run for it,

but I trapped 'em with my stomach.

How's the party coming along?

- It's impossible.

Why is this family so casual

about having no health insurance,

but they cannot live without a DJ and a photo booth?

- Just do what you think is right.

And get a pinball machine.

- I'm serious, Dan.

This is about celebrating Mark.

Everybody already had their big graduation moments.

- Not really.

Becky quit school, ran away, and got married,

so she just got her GED.

Same thing with Harris.

They never did the walk.

- Well, I'm sure Jackie did.

- Yeah, but her parents never showed up at her graduation.

She was crushed.

So Roseanne and I had to act like the proud parents.

When Jackie crossed the stage, Roseanne gets up and yells,

"That's my baby girl!

Go conquer the world and get Mama an RV!"

- Wow.

What happened at your graduation?

- Oh, same thing.

My parents blew it off too.

The said the diploma was just a piece of paper,

and they weren't gonna miss work for that.

- Oh, God.

Didn't that bother you?

- Yeah, but I knew I was pretty low

on their list of priorities.

So me and my buddies just went down

to the arcade and played pinball.

- Uh-huh.

So that's why that pinball machine is so important to you?

- Yeah, those guys were like family to me.

Then we drank too much and started hitting each other,

so maybe too much like family.

- Wow. Your life sounds like Dickens.

But dark.

Anyway, I'm starting to understand

why everybody is getting so triggered

about what they wanna have at Mark's party.

I think I know what to do now.

- Oh, good!

Here's the number of the place that rents pinball machines.

[bluesy harmonica music]

- Hey.

- Hey. Food's ready.

- Ooh.

Hey, now that you're a lunch lady,

am I gonna have the honor of seeing

your professional serving skills?

- I don't know, are you ready for a face full of hot corn?

Now you get to serve it, hardware boy.

- Okay, you're weaponizing corn.

What's going on with you?

- [sighs] It's Mark.

He's so anxious for his dad,

who's never done anything but disappoint him,

to be at his graduation, that now I'm the enemy.

- I told you, there's nothing you can do about this.

It's classic--you blame the parent you're with.

- I know, but it isn't fair.

- I get that this is tough,

but, you know, Mark's a man now,

and he's gonna have to work through this without you.

- But he's not a man.

He's my little butterfly.

- Well, we may be honing in on the problem here.

Hey, we both know that David's gonna screw up.

And Mark's gonna have to learn the hard lesson.

And then we'll pick up the pieces.

You know?

That's our job, right?

- Yes.

You're a nice man.

I'm sorry I threatened you with corn.

- [chuckles]

- Now can you please take this pot pie to Mark?

- Yes. - And...

please talk to him about wearing black socks

for his graduation speech.

I do not want to see white socks

between his black shoes and his black pants.

It screams, "I have a checked-out mom,

and I'm about to moonwalk across the stage."

- Hey, Mark, why don't you come on out, buddy?

I got some dinner for us.

- I'm not hungry. - Oh, come on.

Hey, your vegan mom cooked you some chicken, okay?

I even heard her whispering,

"I'm sorry that everybody ate your kids for breakfast

"and now Mark's gonna eat you.

"And women should support women,

so I feel really bad about this."

[chuckles]

- Oh, my God, just slide it under the sheet.

- Oh, no, come on out here and eat with me.

Come on, we can watch "Guardians of the Galaxy 2,"

get ready for "Guardians 3."

Going out on a limb here, but I'm gonna say

that they're gonna be guarding a galaxy.

- Do you think they'll be battling

intergalactic monsters like my mother?

- Come on.

I know you're just mad 'cause your mom talked to David,

but she's just trying to protect you.

- [scoffs] - Huh?

You get that, right?

- Of course you're on Mom's side.

- Whoa, hey, hold on.

I'm not on anyone's side.

You don't have to get so defensive.

- Why would I be defensive?

A guy who's not my dad comes in here

and wants to give his opinion on my actual dad.

- Hey, hey, don't talk to Ben like that.

- Wait, hang on. I am not giving any opinions.

I am just bringing you dinner

and trying to watch a movie with you.

I--I don't wanna talk about your dad.

- Good, because it's not your place.

You don't even know him.

- No one knows him, Mark,

because he's never around.

If he was, I wouldn't be the one coaxing you

into eating dinner so we can get some food into you

while you take shots at me!

Oh, and your mother has a message.

Don't wear white socks with your black suit

'cause it looks like you're gonna get your diploma

and break into "Billie Jean"!

- What is his problem?

I just want my dad at my high school graduation.

Everyone else has that. Why can't I?

- Oh, my God,

you stupid, sweet, awful boy.

Maybe Ben's problem is that you keep going on and on

about this romanticized version of your father

that's gonna show up and fix everything

when you've already got a guy right here

who shows up and fixes everything.

It's so hurtful to Ben.

- I know Ben does a lot around here.

- No, you have no idea.

He totally carried us when I was unemployed.

He built this house.

You wouldn't be living in an undefined area

with a window seat where we were gonna keep books

if it wasn't for him.

He is the reason that you're going to college.

- No, he's not. You were the one who decided

to take the lunch lady job so I could get free tuition.

- No, I was going to keep my job

at the can company because we needed the money.

But Ben talked me out of it.

I knew that all the pressure would be on him,

but he insisted because he knew that it was the only way

I could afford to send you to college.

So pull your head out of your butterfly butt,

and look around and realize what this man has done for you.

- Now I feel like an idiot.

- Look, your dad may or may not be at your graduation.

And I'm really sorry about that.

But you can count on one thing.

Ben is gonna be there.

Okay?

So I guess the point I'm trying to make,

without beating it to death,

is do not wear white socks to your graduation!

♪

- It really is...

everything, everywhere,

all at once.

I have no idea what's going on.

- Hey.

I'm glad you all are here, because I wanna read

the beginning of my graduation speech.

And since some of you aren't gonna be there tomorrow,

I wanna get your opinions.

- Well, I'm gonna go get something

from the kitchen and let you guys do this.

- No. I'd really like

to hear what you think of it.

- Sure, fine.

- [clears throat]

Hi, I'm Mark Conner.

I'm the acting president for Lanford's chapter

of the National Honor Society

while President Lewis is recovering

from a stress-related illness.

We hope the shingles clear up before picture day.

All of us are here tonight

because we achieved something special.

We're graduating high school.

But we certainly didn't do it alone.

So I'd like to use my speech time

to honor the people who made big sacrifices

in order for me to be up here.

First I'd like to talk about my dad.

- All right, come on, man.

Look, I understand you feel the need to do this,

but let me just step out.

- Please, just listen.

- [sighs]

- Even though he hasn't been around for most of my life,

it wasn't his fault.

Ben Olinsky didn't meet my mom until I was 11.

Ben, would you please stand up?

- He got me.

He totally got me.

- A dad isn't just your DNA.

It's someone who stands up for you

and is there when you're struggling

to finish a paper at midnight and you want a bowl of cereal,

but there's no milk, so he goes out and gets you some.

- [chuckles]

I did that.

Almond milk--I had to go to two stores.

- And when it's cold, he picks you up from work

so you don't have to walk home.

He's just always there,

and that's what a dad does.

Um, and then I say some nice stuff about Mom,

bring down the house with cool quotes

from Aristotle and Morrissey,

and I'm done.

What do you think?

- That was perfect.

Um, is there any way

that you could mention the hardware store

and how we have new Sunday hours?

- If he's gonna mention the hardware store,

he should mention The Lunch Box.

Right? Am I right?

I mean, that's fair. Am I right?

- Ah, well, I need a minute. [groans]

- I can't wait till you go off to college

and everybody can stop loving you so much.

- Uh, Mark...

it's gonna be rough

for your dad to sit there and hear that.

- He won't have to.

I texted Dad and told him not to come.

- Really?

Ah, I think I went overboard pressuring you.

I hope you didn't do that for me.

- No. I did it for me.

I told him, if he really wants to see me,

we can get together in a couple weeks.

I wanted the graduation just to be family.

- Wow.

That is really, really great, Mark.

So how much of this speech is about Ben,

and how much is about me?

I mean, I don't need to count lines or anything.

I would like to take a look at it.

[bluesy harmonica music]

- Wow.

You kick me out of my place to decorate,

I come back, and the one thing--

the one thing I asked for,

a freakin' photo booth!

- And I noticed there was no limo outside.

One day he'll turn 48,

and he'll have never been in a limo, not once.

- We're married.

I thought I'd at least get a pinball machine.

What the hell, baby?

- [huffs] Okay.

After the party, I'm gonna get an Uber Black,

and I'm taking you all to an arcade,

where they have pinball machines

and photo booths.

And then we're gonna hit a bar,

where they have a DJ and lots of food trucks outside.

And then maybe you whiny brats will be happy.

- So this is what you thought Mark would want?

- Ah, let's ask him.

Mark?

- Surprise.

Happy graduation, everybody.

- What're you talking about?

- Everybody please put on your caps and gowns.

It will become clear in a moment.

- Uh, what's going on?

- I think it's graduation everywhere all at once.

- I told Mark all your sad graduation stories.

Please, sit down.

- Thank you.

- We agreed that you all missed out

on an important milestone in a person's life,

and you weren't celebrated the way you should've been.

- So welcome to the high school graduations

of 2019,

1993,

1973,

and 1970.

- [gasps] [cheers and laughter]

- Wow. Nice glasses, Dan.

I guess you took the snorkel off for the picture.

["Pomp and Circumstance" playing]

Becky Conner,

Harris Conner-Healy,

will you please rise.

- Because your graduations were just getting your GEDs

in the mail, you never got to do the walk

in front of your proud family.

Please come up and accept your diplomas.

[cheers and applause]

- Whoo-hoo!

We're 18, we're moving out, and we're never looking back!

- Yeah, see you never, suckers!

- Whoo!

- Would Jackie Harris please--

- [shrieks]

Don't trust anybody over 30--

until you're 30.

And then judge everyone individually

after you've gotten to know them well enough.

Thank you all for coming to my graduation.

This means the world to me.

[cheers and laughter]

- And finally, Dan Conner.

- Aye-o! - Thank you, thank you.

I had to make some of you to have family at my graduation.

But it was worth it.

Wow, you're way hotter than the battle-ax

that handed me my diploma the first time and said,

"Glad I'll never have to see your face again, Conner."

- [laughs]

- Thank you. Thank you, thank you.

- Even with getting no support,

you finished school,

set a good example for your kids,

and created a loving environment

where they could all graduate in their 40s.

- I didn't know I did all that, but I'll take credit for it.

- That's my dad!

- Congratulations, and best of luck in the future.

You are now all graduates.

[all cheer]

- Stop that. Those are rentals.

chorus: ♪ See you

♪ In September

♪ See you

♪ When the summer's through

- ♪ Here we are chorus: ♪ Bye, baby, goodbye

- ♪ Saying goodbye at the station ♪

chorus: ♪ Bye, baby, goodbye

- ♪ Summer vacation chorus: ♪ Bye, baby

[child giggles]