Original subtitles

[bluesy harmonica music]

- Full house.

all: Ohh!

- Neville, come on, man.

Let somebody else win once in a while.

- Perks of being a veterinarian.

I'm just using predatory cat knowledge to win.

I pretend to be disinterested, and then I pounce.

- Oh, I'd love to go play poker with you

at the riverboat casino, 'cause if you said that there,

ooh, it's gonna be one of those beatings

you don't get to see very often.

[laughter]

- Not if I use the fighting skills

I learned from monkeys.

I bite the face, and then I run.

- Ah.

- Well, I'm out.

I guess the rich get richer,

and the poor have to explain to their daughter

why her Lunchable is missing the meat.

- Neville, when it's just family,

sometimes when you win really big, you splurge.

How about buying a round of pizzas?

- Yeah. - Ooh.

- That's not how our family worked.

- No, no, no, no.

Our family was ruthless.

I used to play Go Fish with my mom for pennies.

One time, I couldn't pay her.

The next time I lost a tooth,

there was a note left under my pillow:

"We're even."

- Yeah, it was a good life lesson.

I learned never to be anyone's fool

when it comes to money.

- I guess when you play with a family of grifters,

you've got to watch out, huh?

- Dan.

- "Grifters" is an odd word to pull out of thin air.

- I didn't pull it out of thin air.

I pulled it out of your mouth

when Jackie and I were on the road

and I heard you calling me and my family grifters.

- Wow.

- You told him what I said?

That was supposed to be a private conversation.

- I didn't tell him. - Jackie didn't say anything.

I overheard you two talking when you were on the telephone.

- "Come and play poker," they said.

"It always ends in a fight," I said.

"Well, not this time," they said.

- Don't be upset with Jackie.

The only thing she's guilty of is lending me a thousand bucks

when I really needed it.

- [scoffs]

That wouldn't be the thousand dollars

you said you needed for your debit card, would it?

- Hey, you know what?

Why don't we all go out for frozen yogurt, huh?

Hey, you know who's got really good frozen yogurt?

Milwaukee.

- Wait, I'm just trying to wrap my head around the fact

that anybody here has $1,000.

- He paid me back right away.

He said that he would, and he did.

- That's not the point.

- Just let it go, Neville.

No harm done.

- No harm to you.

I'm out of here.

- You know you can just slide them, right?

- Yeah.

Oh, it's hard to storm off with change!

[coins rattling]

- We had a deal.

You were supposed to resent my husband in silence.

Dan needed the money to buy inventory

at the hardware store.

It was a once-in-a-lifetime deal on plungers.

You know how the people in this town eat.

Lanford needs plungers.

- When I gave you that money, you said it was for you.

And that was after I told you I wasn't merging our money

because I was afraid your family would come after it.

And that's exactly what happened.

And then you lied to me about it.

- Hey, just checking. Pizza, no pizza?

[bluesy rock music]

♪

- "The Conners" is filmed

in front of a live studio audience.

- Excuse me, does that gravy have any meat products in it?

- Uh, well, I mean,

the chunks don't break apart when I hit 'em with this ladle,

so yeah, I don't know.

Best-case scenario is meat.

- I'll just have mashed potatoes, then.

Uh, okay, that ladle has gravy on it,

and I'm a vegetarian.

I'm gonna need you to get another ladle,

change your gloves,

and I hate to be high-key problematic,

but please use a new plate that wasn't washed with animal soap.

Thanks.

- Um, I just want you to know that I'm vegan,

and I never realized what a pain in the ass I am.

- This all feels very toxic,

so I'm going to the vending machines.

- Okay.

- You got rid of that one,

but the next one's gonna be just as bad.

We got to a liberal arts school.

We're all like that.

- Oh, you look so young.

I didn't realize you were a student here, James.

- I skipped a grade, so I'm only 17.

I am working off my tuition.

If I did this for a living, I'd go into the walk-in freezer

and take a forever nap.

- Nice to know it's an option.

- Can you serve him?

It's kind of awkward. He broke up with me.

I've never been happier. Thank you.

- Must have been ugly, huh?

- Well, I've known you a week, so I guess I can tell you.

He destroyed me.

You know, it's so hard to find a guy who's nice and smart.

- Oh, you know what? My son says the same thing.

He's actually gonna come here next year,

but he was hoping that college guys would be more mature.

- Yeah, that's the dream.

And then you find the lacrosse captain

hiding in your boyfriend's closet.

- There you go.

Hey, you know what?

I should set you and Mark up.

I mean, not, like, set up.

I--I just mean, like, you guys could be gay friends.

I don't know why I just said "gay friends."

You can just be friends.

But if you did decide to date,

then you'd be gay guys dating, right?

I mean, or you could just both be gay on your own.

You know when you're trying not to say a word,

but you just keep saying it anyway?

- Mm.

What word were you trying not to gay?

[bluesy harmonica music]

- Oh, hey, did you come over here to study too?

- Why on Earth did Emilio have to buy Beverly Rose

a karaoke machine?

If I hear "Wheels On The Bus" one more time

I'm gonna smack someone round and round.

- Oh, hey.

Everything okay with Neville?

He seemed pretty upset last night.

- Yes, of course everything is okay.

Unlike most Conner couples, Neville and I communicate,

so once we sat down and talked about it,

everything was fine.

Whatever you guys are doing, just keep doing it.

I'm gonna wait for Dan.

I'm gonna be out in the living room.

- Hey. - How was work?

- Well, I learned how to tie knots

in the fingers of my gloves

so that they fit my little doll hands.

There's really great kid at work who, get this,

he's 17, he's gay,

and he's lonely, just like you.

- No.

The last time you set me up, it went horribly wrong

and I got my heart broken.

- Yeah, but Logan couldn't have broken your heart

if you didn't really like him.

Ergo, Mama found the right guy.

- You know, Mark, this might actually be fate.

Your school is in Romeoville.

If one of you winds up in prison,

you'd be in Romeoville and Joliet.

- Thank you, but was that worth stopping the conversation for?

- Oh, yeah.

- Just consider meeting him.

At the very least, you'll know somebody at school.

- I'll meet him, but I'm not going on a date with him.

- All right, here's what he looks like.

- What's the harm in one date?

- I'm sorry about what happened last night.

Hope Neville's calmed down.

- Well, maybe he has, and maybe he hasn't.

I wouldn't know. He didn't come home last night, Dan.

And he hasn't been to work today.

He's never done this before. It's all your fault.

You have to go find him! - Relax. I'll find him.

- I've looked everywhere that he usually goes.

He wasn't at the library.

The knitting store went out of business.

The tropical fish store doesn't open till tomorrow morning.

- How about Build-A-Bear?

- He's built all the bears!

[bluesy harmonica music]

- Don't you look like a modern-day dandy,

all fancy in your sweater vest?

- I was going for a young Tom Hanks:

a little whimsical but professional.

- I've had a little experience with college dating.

Can I offer you some advice?

- You secretly dated your professor

and almost destroyed his career.

- You are correct, and my advice to you

is not to do that.

- That was extremely unhelpful.

- Not to me.

I'll take any opportunity to remind people

that I'm in college.

So why are you meeting James here anyway instead of at home?

- Are you kidding me?

I had to throw the family off my trail.

- Hey.

- Every damn time.

How?

- You live in Mayberry, you're gonna run into Aunt Bee.

- Mark, what are you doing here?

You said you were meeting James at the school bookstore.

- I was trying to avoid you

because you people embarrass me.

- Aww, I would never do that to you.

Ben, take it away.

- Well, slap my mama and sit on a porcupine.

A gentleman caller is coming to meet our young Marcus!

[laughter]

- Can you guys cut it out?

I'm nervous enough as it is.

I'm sure James is more sophisticated

than the juveniles I'm surrounded by in high school.

- I'm guessing when you eat lunch,

you're not surrounded by anyone.

- Hey, Mark.

- Hi.

- Meeting here didn't duck the family, huh?

- [chuckles] - Hi.

I'm in college too.

The quad, am I right?

- This is Ben, my husband and Mark's stepdad.

- How you doing?

Nice to meet a fellow college man.

I majored in creative writing,

but then I ended up selling screws and nuts,

so let me save you a lot of time.

Settle early, and settle often.

- Hi. I'm Harris.

I didn't go to college.

Our mom put all her love and energy

into Sweater Vest here.

- Well, uh, we should be going.

But thanks, everyone, for this unfortunate moment

of immersive theater.

- Oh.

- It's okay.

Marry a guy, marry his family, right?

- [mouthing words]

♪

- Did Mark text you?

- About what?

- Our date.

What, didn't he text you to tell you

how he thought it went?

- How long ago did you leave him?

- About 10, 15 minutes ago.

- Well, sometimes it takes longer than a cup of noodles

to gather your thoughts.

- I'm sure he's gonna tell you it went great.

Mark is amazing. - [chuckles]

- Usually my dates are awkward,

but I felt really comfortable with him.

I tried to make plans for next week,

but he says he's busy every night

working the late shift at his security job.

- Oh, oh, his security job.

Yeah, of course, at the, uh-- at the place where he, like,

protects the stuff.

- When he enrolls here and we become roommates,

I'm hoping he can get a safer job on campus.

- Wow, roommates.

You really pack a lot into a date, huh?

- Darlene, thank you so much for bringing Mark into my life.

I'm not lonely anymore.

- Hold that thought.

I gotta thin out the gravy.

It's starting to get corners.

- Bet you didn't see this coming.

- No, but I should have.

♪

- Thanks for the call, Jasper.

I've been looking for this guy since last night.

- Well, you might want to keep an eye on him.

After the first drink, he told me I have

the kind eyes of a lemur.

You want something?

- Whatever he's drinking.

Mind if I sit down?

- [scoffs] It's not my bar.

You can sit wherever you want.

Wait, it's not my bar, right?

I didn't buy it, did I?

- No, and stop looking into my eyes.

- Look, I'm willing to put the whole grifters thing aside.

But Jackie is worried sick about you.

- No, no, no, no, no.

The Nev's not talking until you catch up,

unless you can't handle your Long Island iced teas.

- I'm s--good God that's sweet.

Jasper, will you bring me a beer?

My mouth wants to be an adult again.

Ugh.

I'm serious, dude.

You can't just disappear on your wife.

You need to go home and work this out.

- Jackie lied to me, Dan.

She's never done that before.

- She lied to you to help family.

- Yeah, and then you took advantage,

'cause you knew she was a soft touch.

- I didn't take advantage of her.

You're just not used to a supportive family.

Your mother shook down your sister

for tooth fairy money.

- Well, in my family, when you got into a jam,

you bailed yourself out.

Louise was a penny ante player,

and she was playing for nickels.

She was hooked on the action.

- I was raised like that too, but I figured it out.

Life's gonna knock you down plenty.

And if you don't have family there to help you back up,

who will?

We look out for each other.

- [scoffs] Grifter logic.

- Whoa, give me your keys.

- Oh, so now you're after my car, huh?

Well, don't try and follow me.

I'm going to Build-A-Bear, where everybody knows my name.

- You're drunk, Neville. You're not going anywhere.

- Oh, no, you're mistaken.

I'm drunk, and I'm going everywhere.

- Come on, man, open up!

- Unfortunately, I just found out that I hate you.

Please respect my privacy at this time.

- I'm old, man.

Don't make me do this.

- The Nev does what he wants.

Back off. [engine turning over]

[screams]

[whimpering]

Ahh-ahh-ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Ow! Ow! Ow!

What the hell, man? Get out of my car.

- You need to go home.

Start walking.

- What's going on here?

I heard a woman scream.

- Yeah, well, I have a natural falsetto.

And my idiot brother-in-law punched my car

and pulled me out.

- Were you gonna drive in this condition?

- Oh, no, sir, he was not.

I wanted to borrow his car.

He was trying to stop me.

- I need you to step over here

while I handle this, okay?

Were you two fighting?

- Yes, sir, but it's my bad. I started it.

- Have you been drinking?

- Oh, I had a couple, but I was just gonna sit here

and sober up.

- I gotta take you in.

Driving under the influence.

- What?

I wasn't even driving.

I was sitting under the influence.

I do that every night.

- Sir, the law states that if you're inebriated

behind the wheel of a vehicle

and the keys are in the ignition,

that's a DUI.

Step out.

- Hey, do you mind if I call his wife first?

- Make it quick.

- Thank you.

Jackie, Jackie, come down to the Lobo

and get Neville.

No, I can't bring him home.

I'm--we're still doing this, right?

- Oh, yeah. - I'm going to jail.

[bluesy harmonica music]

- Do you have any idea what you've done to me?

James is a nightmare.

- Oh, I know, right?

- Is that your idea of an apology?

- Is it not coming off like that?

All right, look, I'm sorry.

I didn't realize how needy the guy was.

- Needy?

He thinks we're gonna be roommates

and then move off campus to a tiny house

on his dad's land.

I can't fit in a tiny house. Look at me.

- I just knew how excited you were

to move to a big city and experience

a more open gay culture.

- So you got me a gay guy?

- Well, no, he was just the first one.

I was gonna get you a bunch of them,

and then you'd have, like, a whole culture.

- You have to get me out of this.

- All right, well, just tell him you're not interested.

- No, he's sweet and I don't want to hurt him.

But I also don't want to spend my whole freshman year

with him following me around.

You've got to break up with him for me.

- You know, I really don't feel comfortable

getting involved in your personal life.

All right, we'll text him.

Okay.

Uh, okay, "Dear James"--

- What are you doing?

You can't say "dear."

He hears that, and the next thing,

he's at the jewelry store buying a ring

and lining up a surrogate for our baby.

- All right, okay, calm down.

All right, we'll just keep it simple.

"I'm sorry.

"It's not going to work out.

XOXO."

- I'll do it.

Now I can see why it took you 20 years to break up with Dad.

- Uh, it would have gone a lot faster if you hadn't been all,

"I need a father. Wah-wah-wah."

- Here's your aspirin.

- Oh, thank you.

My head is killing me.

Hey!

- That's for putting Jackie through hell.

- Oh, I know.

I'm just glad she forgave me.

Hey!

- And that's for making my husband

spend the night in jail.

- Ow.

Hit me one more time and I'm calling Mom.

- All right, he's out.

He's got a new suit, 50 bucks in his pocket,

looking for honest work.

- Jail is different now.

They asked for my pronouns.

- I'd like a moment with Dan.

- Oh, sure. - Oh, yeah, yeah.

- Ow.

- Be nice.

- Can I borrow that? I'm gonna need that later.

- Mm-hmm.

- I'm so sorry, Dan.

I can't believe I put you in that position.

- It wasn't that bad.

I saw a friend of mine from high school in there.

He was voted most likely to become a heroin addict,

and he is.

- Well, I can't thank you enough

for not letting me drive, but why take the DUI for me?

- Simple.

Hardware store guy gets thrown in jail for being drunk,

who cares?

Happens to a veterinarian in a small town,

that's news.

- That's true. I could have lost my practice.

- I tried to explain this to you last night.

You're family.

This is what family does for each other,

even if it means sleeping next to a heroin addict

who thinks you're his dead grandmother

who's trying to kill him.

- [chuckles]

Well, when you spend years and years

in a family like mine, I guess it just takes some time

getting used to being in a family like this.

- You'll get the hang of it.

Hey, let's practice right now.

I would like to grift $500 from you

to get a good lawyer to get this off my record.

- Okay, I will give you the 500 bucks,

but I really need you to get your wife

to stop smacking me in the head.

- Hey, spud bud.

What's today's special?

- Sorrow.

Mark broke up with me. Completely unexpected.

- Oh, I'm sorry.

Well, you know they say it takes twice the length

of a relationship to recover from it,

so you're gonna have a rough couple day.

- It's just so hard to find someone who can match

my double Scorpio, Pisces moon energy.

Maybe after a little time, Mark and I can try again.

- Okay.

There's something that you don't know about Mark.

He's a bad kid.

He just dresses like a minister from the 1950s

to throw people off.

- A bad boy, huh?

Oh, that just makes him hotter.

- Not if he's a bad boy who sets fires.

- Oh, my God.

He's an arsonist?

Wow. I dodged a bullet.

You know, I did sense there was a lot of dysfunction

in your family when I met them.

From what I could tell, you messed up

your girl kid too.

- I'm going over to serve green beans.

Don't follow me.

[child giggles]