Original subtitles

♪♪

Hello.

I'd like to know your name because I'm going to have

to tell the police who I shot.

I'm Kai.

It means "ocean."

I'm Dan. It means, "What the hell are you doing here?"

I'm a friend of Harris's.

Actually, we've been seeing each other for a few weeks.

Grandpa, hey. This is Kai.

He needed a place to stay,

so I told him he could spend a few nights here.

Well, the place does give off a "flop house" kind of vibe.

But before I say yes,

tell me something about yourself.

Well, I'm in a season of growth and transformation --

Just the bullet points, Ocean.

I grew up with money,

but I found it was corrupting me,

so I rejected it and turned to a life on the road.

I'm gaining authentic experiences

instead of trying to buy my way to happiness.

I'm not hearing "job" anywhere in there.

How can you afford to travel?

I meet a lot of good souls along the way, like --

like your amazing granddaughter, Harris.

And when I don't, I hop trains

and eat perfectly good food that people throw away.

Okay, I get it.

You're a commie hobo with a goofy hat.

No.

Kai is just a-a free spirit who writes poetry.

Actually, I met him outside the tattoo shop,

and he traded me a poem for a tattoo.

Somehow you got screwed twice on that deal.

Louise, this is Kai.

He's gonna be staying over for a little bit.

Cool. Nice to meet you, Kai.

Help yourself to anything in the fridge.

Oh, except the, uh, bologna log.

It belongs to this guy.

He measures it every night before he goes to bed.

14 and 5/8.

Here, you should wear this.

It's sunny, but it's cold out.

Where are you guys headed?

The forest preserve. It's a nice day out,

so we're gonna go expose our perineums to the sun.

The perineum is an area that doesn't get much sun exposure,

yet it's a tender barrier to parts of the body

that need vitamin D.

Yeah. Can't you just go in the bathroom

and squat over a flashlight?

Okay, no family that gets all of its vitamins

from fortified Lucky Charms is going to understand this.

See you guys later.

Have a magical day.

♪♪

What are you doing?

I'm saging.

There used to be a funeral home here,

so it's important to make sure all the bad spirits are gone.

Hold on.

Darlene?

Yep? It's not working.

You're just driving the bad spirits into the kitchen.

Whoa, look at that. What?

It's your rent going up.

Oh. The delivery guys are coming.

Yes! The new couch is here.

You can just put it there right in front of the TV.

Bold choice. Maybe that will catch on.

Would you like us to unwrap it? No, no.

Uh, it's my first new couch, so I want to unwrap it myself.

Slowly. Gently.

Maybe light a candle, put on some music.

She just tells me to, "Lose the pants."

Yeah!

Hey, let's break this baby in, huh?

I'll unwrap it, you guys order a pizza,

we'll take a little TV break before we unpack anything else.

I -- Unh-unh. Oh.

New rule -- no eating or drinking on the couch.

And no sleeping in bed or getting wet in the shower.

[ Gasps ] No sitting in chairs,

no standing when you walk. [ Laughs ]

I'm -- I'm serious.

Everything else in here is stuff we already had.

This is new, so for once

let's not trash it up the minute we get it.

But we always eat and watch TV on the couch.

And now we're gonna do what most families do.

We'll eat at the table and talk about our day.

Ew. Haven't you been paying attention?

Our lives suck.

How about a compromise?

We'll eat on the couch and you'll eat at the table

and tell yourself about your day.

Show of hands?

O-Okay, here's my compromise --

no one eats or drinks on the couch, ever...

And?

...and Becky and Mark don't have to go live under a bridge.

And you do not have to go with them.

Hands?

The people have spoken.

All I can do is go along with them.

♪♪

♪♪

-- Captions by VITAC --

"The Conners" is recorded

in front of a live studio audience.

Alright, you and I need to have a little talk about Kai.

Why? What's up?

Your man took the weed that was drying out

in the basement and left this --

"Sweet gange underground.

A fertile crop of friendship.

A sweet new bud's bud."

Ah. What the hell?

It's just a haiku.

Can I smoke it?

'Cause I really needed that weed for my bad shoulder.

The weed is half mine anyways because I grow it with you.

So, let's just say he took my half.

We're dating, it's really not a big deal.

I don't care if she likes him.

He's gotta go.

Not only is the weed a problem,

there's 1/8 of an inch missing off my bologna.

Yeah, I agree what the guy did was sketch.

But you gotta come at Harris a different way.

I'll talk to her tonight after band practice.

Aw, you don't have to do that.

It's gonna be rough.

She's used to being mad at me.

Harris and I are building a relationship.

And she'll be a lot less defensive hearing it from me.

Okay, you remember that guy that thought he was building

a special relationship with the grizzly bears?

He said, "I'm your friend."

What the grizzly bears heard was,

"Pull my head off. It's delicious."

Chip me.

Are you guys really gonna keep doing this?

Darlene's just treating this couch like it's a new car.

After the first ding, she'll chill out.

No, this is different.

Before she went to bed, she said, "Good night. I love you."

I was in the room, but I knew she was talking to the couch.

[ Vehicle approaches ]

-She's home! -Oh! Okay.

Uh, Beverly Rose, this is not a drill.

I need your beer, Grandpa.

Grandpa needs it more, sweetie.

You gotta lose the beer, Dad.

A drifter took my weed, I'm keeping my beer.

Oh. Oh, hey, gurl!

Hey, what's shakin', bacon?

Where you gals been?

So, somebody left their Costco card at The Lunch Box.

We took it for a spin.

Darlene got some stuff for the new house

and, Dan, I got you that 25 pound wheel of Parmesan Cheese.

Dad, I don't know if you heard,

but I'm not letting my new couch get trashed up, so...

I have heard, and I'm not doing it.

Sooner or later something's gonna happen

to this couch, Darlene.

You need to accept that now.

Look, my house, my rules.

Ho, ho, ho.

I said that to you kids your entire childhood.

Now it's my turn to say, "You suck, and I hate you.

You're, like, ruining my life."

I'm not kidding, Dad.

You better be.

I built you this house, and now you're gonna tell me

that I can't make myself at home here?

Yes. I've seen what it looks like when you feel "at home."

I-I don't want my house to look like yours.

You know what?

I don't need this.

I'm taking my friend, Beer,

and we're going to go back to my house

where I can watch TV the way I always have.

Jackie, would you please drive me home

because I have enjoyed four other friends

on an empty stomach.

♪♪

[ Door closes ]

Isn't it great we can both watch a scary movie

at the same time on our phones?

[ Whispering ] Yeah, the only thing that's a little annoying

is that it's not at the same time.

You're seeing it three seconds before me.

Oh, my God!

Two...three...

And there's a human foot in the freezer.

[ Scoffs ]

It's ridiculous that Darlene is doing this.

You should be here watching this with me.

[ Whispering ] Hey.

Gotta go, Dad.

Uh... What the hell, Ben?!

Here! Damn it!

See, this is what happens...

when you have to sneak around your own house.

Shh! You're gonna wake Darlene up.

The stain is not coming out.

What are we gonna do?

I don't see any alternative.

[ Sighs ]

We have to burn the house down.

No, no.

She's just gonna run into the flames

to save the couch, see the stain,

and we're never gonna hear the end of it.

I say we pin it on Beverly Rose.

Hey! That's my daughter you're talking about.

And that's why I'm glad you said it first.

Let's do it.

Okay, good. Good.

So you just gotta help me plan it out.

Uh, Beverly Rose has been eating

a lot of bananas lately, right? Yeah.

Okay, so let's take some of those

and we'll smash them into the carpet right here,

'cause I don't want her talking her way out of this!

♪♪

Uh, where's Kai?

He's at a 24-hour printer

getting his poetry bound into books.

Oh, it's so cute how he leaves a poem

every time he takes anything.

[ Chuckles ]

I'm glad you like him.

I do.

And I think there's a way to smooth things out

between him and your grandpa.

If he just follows a couple of house rules.

Oh, and maybe pays him back for that weed

when he sells some of the books.

Oh, he's not selling those, he's giving them away.

He believes art belongs to the people.

Yeah, usually after they pay for it.

How is he, uh, able to print copies?

He doesn't have a job.

I gave him a little bit of money.

How much?

I don't know, 100 bucks.

$100?

Yeah.

I mean, I'm getting a lot back in return --

he's sweet and cool and I haven't had that

since I broke up with Aldo.

You know, I dated a lot of cool, artsy guys,

and they tend to be pretty irresponsible with money.

Do you know the difference between a drummer

and a large pizza?

A pizza can feed a family of four.

What are you saying?

That he's taking advantage of me?

No, no, no, I'm just saying that you might be overlooking

some of the red flags.

You know, like -- like stealing and taking money from you

without knowing how to pay you back.

Uh, convincing you to pull your pants down in the forest

so you could get some vitamin D.

Oh, my God, stop.

You're twisting everything around to make him sound bad.

No, no, I'm not twisting anything.

I'm telling you the truth.

You don't know anything about us.

Plus, I don't need to be judged by someone

who didn't have a real relationship

till she was in her sixties.

Excuse me?

You heard me.

Fine.

I'm out.

But don't come crying to me when he disappears

and leaves you nothing but a crappy book of poems

that you paid for.

They're not just poems!

Some of them are lyrics to a rock opera

he's letting me produce!

♪♪

Beverly Rose.

Beverly Rose.

How did I get here?

What, you didn't fall asleep here?

No.

Okay, let's figure this out.

What is the last thing you do remember?

I was in my bed.

And I had a dream that Mommy was carrying me,

and she talked to a wolf that sounded like Ben... Mm-hmm.

...and the wolf smelled like bananas.

Ben?! Becky?! Get in this living room!

You should be ashamed of yourselves.

Well, we are.

About a lot of things.

Uh, I'd rather not be specific until we know what you know.

You clearly used an innocent child

to cover your inability to follow the simplest rules.

Oh, that.

Yeah.

Um, I wouldn't say ashamed

so much as wishing I'd done it better.

Come on.

Good luck, Ben. Yeah.

Well, if you don't see me for a couple of days,

check the yard for a meticulously dug grave

with no crumbs on it.

God, you ruined my sofa, Ben.

Okay.

See, "my sofa" is where we have a problem,

because it's my sofa, too.

And you bought a white couch for God's sakes.

I mean, you gotta get over this.

And I thought you got a handle

on your whole control freak thing.

Look, we spilled because you made us nervous,

and then when we tried to clean it, it made it worse.

This is crazy!

You know what?

Why don't you and your banana-wolf face

take all your purple juices and your greasy snacks

and your dark, sweaty pants, and your --

your pens that you cavalierly leave the caps off of

and go to my dad's house,

because he has no problem with people staining his couch

because he's not "crazy"!

So the couch is more important than me?

You're gonna kick me out of my own house over a couch?

No, I'm kicking you out because there was one thing

that was important to me and you cannot respect that.

[ Chuckles ]

Fine, fine.

I hope you two are very happy together,

and, you know, I can't wait to read your obituary --

"She is survived by her stain-free couch."

And matching ottoman.

[ Knock on door ]

I heard about the spill.

Don't you start too.

Everybody thinks I'm crazy

for acting this way about a couch.

Ben thinks I value it more than our relationship.

Well, uh, the couch is still here

and Ben's not, so something's going on.

I don't know how this blew up into such a huge thing.

All I wanted was to keep my couch nice.

Why do you think that is?

Jackie, don't try to shrink me.

I wouldn't dare, you're small enough.

But I think we need to get to the bottom

of why you're so obsessed with this couch

that you've driven away your husband and your father.

I think obsessed is a little harsh.

Give me that.

Okay, I'm obsessed.

I don't know why, though.

It's like when I lived in Chicago with the kids,

I literally pulled my couch up off of the curb

and it was okay.

But I guess I was just starting out,

and I-I thought I'd be a success

and that one day,

there would be this magical new couch.

Yeah, and you got it.

We're sitting on a magic couch.

But what if it's the last couch?

I mean, what if there is no more magic furniture in my future?

You know, when I made manager at Wellman, I --

I thought, "Well, this is what life is gonna be like now.

And I'm gonna keep climbing."

And then I lost that job,

and I just cannot find another one.

So you're just worried that this was all a fluke

and you're not worth what you thought you were.

What if it's true?

Oh, my -- I actually got one.

Oh, my God.

I mean, this is a deep-seated fear

and that's really sad,

but let's not lose sight of the fact

that I actually got one.

Having a really hard time being happy for you.

Well, see, that's because you're catastrophizing.

That's the old negative Darlene popping up and telling you

that just because you lost one really great job,

you're never gonna get another one.

So you do think I'm gonna get another great job?

Of course I do.

But you've got to fix things with Ben,

'cause I'm just gonna say it --

everybody thinks that the odds of you getting

another husband that looks like him?

Slim to none!

Hi. Hey.

Where are your books?

I want to show Louise how cool they are.

Oh, I didn't get them printed.

I was gonna, but I was booking it down the street

on my skateboard, racing a school bus,

and then this little sign came out that said "stop,"

and my face did, but my skateboard didn't.

Anyways, I lost my earbuds and had to buy new ones.

So you -- you spent the whole 100 bucks on earbuds?

I wish they were only 100 bucks.

I had to take 40 more out of your wallet.

What?

You took money out of my wallet?

Since when do you care so much about money?

I thought that didn't matter with us.

I'd give you anything I have.

Well, that's easy for you to say, you don't have anything.

I could've used that money for rent or --

or my share of the utility bills.

Fine. I-I'll pay you back.

Anger is like a cold wind, chilling your bones.

Anger is hot, everybody knows that.

Your poems suck.

You stole from me and took advantage of me.

You gotta find somewhere else to stay.

This isn't working for me anymore.

You can't just kick me out.

Yes, I can.

No, you can't.

Legally you can't make a guest leave

without 30 days' notice.

Alright, alright, what's going on?

You were right about Kai.

He stole money from me, and now he won't leave.

Finish your lunch, Kai. You're leaving.

I'll leave when I'm ready to go.

Unless you're gonna pay for a motel.

I'll get my checkbook.

I don't have a checking account.

Oh, it's alright.

I don't have a check.

You're not gonna hit me. You'll go to jail.

What the hell, lady?

You're an intruder. That was a warm-up swing.

I'm not leaving because I'm scared,

I'm leaving because the universe says it's time.

Don't let the universe hit you in the ass on the way out!

Oh, my God.

Thank you.

I'm all just kind of amped up from threatening that guy.

Whew.

Idea -- how about we smoke Grandpa's half

of the weed to level out?

And we can write a crappy poem, blame it on Kai.

Well, if we're gonna do that, we're gonna get the munchies,

so why don't we blame him for 14 inches of bologna log, too?

♪♪

It's Darlene with your food delivery.

Oh, who's not getting their pizza tonight?

No one.

I bought it because I feel bad.

I'm sorry for acting so crazy about the couch,

but I talked about it with Jackie,

and I figured out why.

And also, I did steal that,

so I probably should talk about that with Jackie, as well.

Anyway, I'm glad Jackie helped you

work your way through this,

because it's not the worst thing in the world

if your couch gets stained.

Your mom and I looked at them as memories.

Mm.

Right there is where Becky cried when she had a skinned knee,

then she realized she was made of tougher stuff.

Over there is where I dumped an entire beer

watching the Bears win the Super Bowl. [ Chuckles ]

And Ben's sitting where your mom's water broke

when she had you.

Might've mentioned that when I was face-down napping there.

Uh-oh, crumbs between the cushions!

No big deal.

Oh, cheese dust on my fingers.

I get what you guys are doing, and I'm not pretending.

I've made peace that the couch is gonna get stained,

and that's okay.

Sorry, guys, I fixed her.

I'm just that good.

So proud of you.

You really worked through this.

[ Door closes ]

[ Dustbuster whirs ]