Original subtitles

♪♪

Hey, have you seen Ben's nose-hair trimmer?

Oh, it's not really a shareable tool, Dad.

I'm not gonna put it up my nose.

I need it to trim the little bumps off my sweater.

I can't stop playing with them.

I-I'm gonna end up making a hole.

Hey, um, come take a look

at what I just found on Mark's computer.

You shouldn't be looking at your kid's computer.

But if it's porn, it's not that big a deal

to find sexy pictures of some guy.

Or Angie Dickinson.

No, it's not that.

It's a spreadsheet of his top ten picks of colleges.

Don't tell him I was snooping,

but there's eight that are on the East and West Coast

and there's only two that are close by.

Well, I don't know how youfeel about that,

but I think it's great he wants to get away from home

and experience something new.

Yeah, that's what I was thinking.

Well, I'm glad you see it that way,

because the more you try to keep your kid home,

I promise you, that makes them want to leave even more.

Yeah. Why would I do that? Leaving home is healthy.

Exactly! And you know what's even worse?

Sometimes when you tell them to stay, they do.

You know what? When you look at it --

New York, Seattle, San Francisco --

these are all fun cities.

I don't quite get Delaware,

but I guess what happens there stays there

'cause no one really knows where it is.

What you guys doing in here? Talking about me?

You got something to say, you can say it to my face!

We weren't, but you're annoying.

There. You happy?

I just heard voices upstairs.

I thought maybe something interesting

might be happening without me.

Nope. Darlene was showing me Mark's list of colleges.

Almost all of them are as far away from Lanford

as you can get.

[ Quietly ] And his mother.

Oh. Ohh. Is she okay with that?

She says she is, but I see a hugeasteroid

hurtling towards us.

Hey. What's going on? I heard voices upstairs.

I thought something interesting was happening.

That the last pudding cup?

Yes.

Thanks for bringing it up.

So, Dan was telling me about Mark

picking some faraway colleges.

What? I didn't know he was looking at out-of-state schools.

You okay with that?

I think it's great. Why? Do you have a problem with it?

Because it's what nature intends.

I mean, you wouldn't know that because you don't have kids,

but they're supposed to leave the nest.

It's a big, exciting world out there.

And don't stand in his way, Ben!

Phew. What was that?

The asteroid can now be seen by the naked eye.

Well, that made even less sense than what shesaid.

And you know what? I deserve pudding

as much as anybody else in this house!

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

"The Conners" is filmed

in front of a live studio audience.

Hey. You have to tell your family

to stop using my nose-hair trimmer for other things!

Sneezed out something navy blue yesterday.

Hey, you guys, good news! I got a job!

Hey! Alright!

Wow! A job?

Huh! You went out and got one on your own?

That's unusual in this family.

Not, like, court-mandated or anything?

[ Laughs ] Well, so, what's the job?

What, are you a ticket taker at the movies?

Paper boy? A soda jerk?

I'm not a teenager in the 1950s.

Yeah.

You do kinda dress like one.

I'm bagging groceries at the Whole Foods

on the niceside of town. Oh.

All the customers wear yoga pants

and have tiny dogs in strollers.

Oh, yeah. You can tell it was made for rich people.

In the bathrooms, they don't even put locks

on their toilet-paper rolls.

Oh, they will after wehit 'em a couple times.

[ Laughs ]

It's -- It's gonna be great

for me to make money for college,

but I need to get my driver's license.

Wow.

College and driver's license and a job.

You're growing up a little fast, aren't you?

Or it's the exact right speed. Beer?

Yeah. To growing up.

If you're worried about me, don't.

I'm gonna be a safe driver,

and you just have to practice driving with me

so I can take the test.

We can make it fun, too.

We can drive around historical sites in the city.

Yeah, that's a good three or four blocks to explore.

[ Silverware rattles ]

Okay, driving buddy, it's a date.

Oh, I just gotta duct-tape the side-view mirror

back on the car, and then we are street-legal, baby!

Thank you.

Hey.

Somebody gave me tickets to see Chicago tonight

at Ravinia.

They're down to three original members, some randos,

and a 9-year-old girl drummer who's an Internet phenom!

Who wants to go?

I'm...busy.

Sorry, Becky. Ben and I planned a date night.

Yeah, I'm out too.

Neville bought a pottery wheel, so we're gonna --

we're gonna reenact that scene from "Ghost."

Ugh!

What?!

I get a night with my man,

you guys get a misshapen fruit bowl for Christmas.

Hey, why don't you take a date, Becky?

[ Doorbell rings ]So, in your mind, I had a date,

but I'd rather go with you losers?

[ Laughs ] Okay.

Hey! What's up?

You want to go to a concert?

It might give the remaining three Chicago members

a reason to live.

I'd love to, but I'm just stopping by on my way to work.

I brought you some good news.Oh, I could use some.

These are divorce papers.

You got your green card!

I know. Isn't that great?

And now you don't have to tell people

you have a husband while you're dating.

Uh...

Oh, and look at this.

A save-the-date card for your wedding!

Right inside the divorce papers.

It's kind of like saying, "Get out of my life

unless you're bringing me a present."

No, no, no, no. Gabriela put on there "no presents."

We feel blessed just to have your company.

You can bring someone if you like.

Uh, does it have to be a person? Can it be a cat?

'Cause that's kind of where I'm headed.

Anyway, I hope you'll be there.

Thank you. But probably not.

Your wife would be jealous

because I'd be all hot and everything.

But I am gonna get you a present.

I already ordered a one-of-a-kind fruit bowl!

You're doing great.

You mean that merge, right?

That was one hell of a merge.

Of course, this is Lanford. Not a lot of cars to merge into.

Not like, I don't know, San Francisco.

Hills, fog, trolley cars,

you know, people diving off of bridges,

hearts that were left behind.

Now you're just saying a bunch of words.

And why'd you pick San Francisco?

No reason. It's just...

an example of a big city with a lot of traffic.

Oh. Oh, oh, oh. We're coming up to a stop sign.

Are you ready? Yes, I'm ready.

Okay, if you're so ready, why are you looking at me?

Because you keep talking to me.Mark, slow down!

Slow down! Damn it! You just rolled through a stop sign!

If you'd have done that in San Francisco,

you could've rolled right over a hippie!

Why are you yelling at me?

Well, I'm sorry, but if you're so anxious to be independent,

then you have to pay attention.

People are crazy.

They're -- They're watching TikTok videos

and they're texting, and then there are those guys

that are dancing and spinning signs on every corner.

It's hard not to watch. Some of them are really talented.

I know, but you're stressing me out!

You have to calm down.

I am fine!

I am fine, okay?! Now just drive!

And remember that any mistake you make in this car

could be your last, okay?

And you could take someone with you.

[ Quietly ] I know who I'd like it to be.

If you're mumbling death threats,

then you're not focusing on the road.

♪♪

Well, finally did it. I joined a dating app.

Oh, good for you.

Whose dog are you holding in your profile picture?

Oh. I took that picture down at the shelter.

They let you hold them and everything.

It's a good way to reel in the nice guys.

And I'll adopt Lucky if I find a guy with a house,

but it's got to be within three weeks.

There's a bit of a clock on Lucky.

Worst reality show ever.

"Marry Me or the Dog Gets It."

But I am happy you're finally moving on from Aldo.

Yeah, it was hard, but, uh,

I've already been texting with this one guy.

He seems cool. His name's Steve.

How old is this guy?

Late 30s. I think I'm gonna ask him out.

Well, I gotta go.

I'm giving a woman a tattoo of Todd Rundgren

in a "Where's Waldo?" outfit saying, "Hello, It's Me."

We've got a problem.

I know. Harris never pays for lunch.

No!

I went out with the guy that Harris likes online.

I don't remember exactly how it ended,

but there was a lot of yelling and it was really bad.

Oh, crap. You gotta warn her. Why don't you remember?

Is that back when you were drinking?

I didn't black out because I was too sober!

I better check him out before Harris gets in any deeper.

Well, you know what I'd do if I was you?

I'd wear a wire.

Why? Do you think it's safer?

Ah, not really. I just wanna listen.

♪♪

Ben! Hmm?

Get in here.

Where's my mom?

Oh, she's at the new house micromanaging the electrician.

He's probably this close

to sticking his tongue in the electrical panel.

I need you to take me to my driving test.

Oh, Mark, now, I know your mom's been kind of intense lately,

but being there when you get your license

is important to her.

And I don't know if you've noticed,

but your mom's disappointment rolls downhill.

And so, by the time it gets to me,

that ball is covered in goat heads and barbed wire.

I-I know, but she'll make me so paranoid

and insane on the way over that I'll freeze up and I'll fail.

Come on. You gotta help me...Dad.

[ Laughs ] Okay.

Oh, we're gonna play that game, huh? Okay.

Well...look...

my youngest...

I am happy to deceive your mother for a good cause,

but how are we gonna keep it from her?

Okay. Here's the plan.

You take me to get my license in the morning,

and then both of you take me

to a different DMV in the afternoon.

You'll distract her while I go outside for about 20 minutes

and pretend to take my driving test.

Then I'll come back in, say I passed because of her,

and the goat-head ball rolls past you and hits Harris.

Ha. There is one thing I can say about you Conners.

There is not an honest man amongst you.

Oh, hey. What's up? It's your day off.

I texted that guy Steve. He's meeting me here.

Good idea. Vet him in person. What'd you say to him?

I told him I'm sober now, working my steps,

and I asked him to help me

fill in some of the gaps from that time.

Becky, come on.

He's never gonna admit to the bad things he did

if he thinks you don't remember them.

Now, when I was on the force...

somebody wouldn't sing, we'd take 'em in the back,

uh, turn off the cameras,

make him read the phone book with his ear.

You know what I'm saying?

I do, after you acted it out.

Hey, Becky. Steve!

Thank you so much for helping me out.

I gotta say, I was kinda shocked when you texted me.

Oh. "Shocked" is an interesting choice of words.

Why do you say that?

Well, you know, 'cause it ended so badly.

Yep. Crazy night.

But that's why you're here.

Uh, no judgment,

but I'd like to hear how youremember that night.

Okay. Well, uh, after you drank the half bottle of tequila,

you went outside and knocked over a line of motorcycles.

When the bikers confronted you, you said,

"If you don't like it, take it up with my boyfriend.

He can kick your pansy asses."

Wow.

You didn't do anything to start that?

Because I remember you screaming at me.

I was screaming, "Becky, call the cops!

They're breaking my hand!"

Okay. That was the missing piece.

Oh. I am so sorry.

I can't believe you even came here at all!

I really liked you before you got drunk.

Now that you're sober, I figured

I'd give you the benefit of the doubt.

I-I hope now that you've straightened your life out,

you're happy?

Are you married?

Ha. Funny you should ask.

My second husband just served me divorce papers yesterday.

And the first one's dead.

Sounds like I got off easy with just a shattered hand.

[ Laughs ]

Hey, uh, what about a do-over?

Any chance you wanna grab dinner?

Wow. I'm flattered, but I wouldn't want to

come between anybody you were thinking of asking out.

You know? A fresh start instead of a retread.

I'm texting a couple people, but nobody serious.

Come on. I've had three surgeries on my hand.

You at least owe me a meal.

Oh, I guess I do.

Great.

Uh, you know what we need?

Is some sugar.

We haven't ordered anything.

Oh, and, um, coffee to put the sugar in.

Be right back.

What's the verdict? He a good guy for Harris?

I don't know. I was the one who caused all the problems.

Mm. Okay.

I'm gonna try and act surprised and make you feel good.

It was you?!

There's that love and support that helped me get sober.

Anyway...

I didn't really get a chance to feel him out yet.

He asked me out for dinner. That's a bad idea, right?

Harris is really vulnerable right now.

Look, just because you were a bad person back then

doesn't mean that he's a good person now.

You got to check him out.

You got to help her make a good choice.

Oh, yeah. Good choices are what I'm all about.

I'm your gal!

♪♪

I wonder how the driving test is going.

Mark was so confident when he went out to take it.

Well, that's on you for being such an incredible teacher.

Huh?

If I was you, I would feel proud.

And nothing else right now.

Oh, crap.

I just remembered my left turn signal's out.

I better let somebody know

so Mark doesn't lose any points for it.

No, no. Hey, hey. Don't worry about Mark. He's smart.

When he goes to put on that turn signal,

he'll just make that clicking sound with his tongue.

Tck-tck-tck-tck. They'll never know.

Excuse me. Um, my son is taking his driving test right now,

and I'm wondering --What's your son's name?

Oh. Uh, Mark Conner-Healy.

Okay.

[ Keyboard clacking ]

Says here that your son took the test at 9:00 a.m.

this morning and passed it.

How 'bout that, Ben?

I'm such a good teacher

that Mark passed his test before he even got here.

Before you do anything, look around.

There's a lot of cameras in here.

I passed! Thanks for all your help, Mom.

I couldn't have done it without you.

Ben, stop gesturing.

I know you went to take the test this morning with him.

God. You had one lie and you fell apart.

I am sorry I lied to you.

I'm sorry I didn't lie to her better.

I'm going to the vending machine to eat my shame.

Why did you ask him to take you to your test?

Because every time I got in the car with you,

you turned into the "Whiplash" guy.

It's like I was doing something wrong.

I'm just trying to save money for college.

Well, you better get paid in euros,

'cause for all I know, your safety schools are in Europe.

What are you talking about?

I saw the spreadsheet on your computer.

Most of the places you're applying to

are as far away from me as you can get.

Is -- Is that why you've been acting so crazy?

Was I that horrible of a mom that you just have to get away?

No. No, no. It's not about you at all.

Mom, I'm a gay kid in a tiny town in the Midwest.

It's not about getting away from you.

It's about getting away from here.

Didn't you move away to Chicago to get away from Lanford?

Well, yeah, but my mom wasn't as great as yours is.

And I always could drive back on the weekends.

I feel like I'm never gonna see you.

Mom, you know, you didn't just teach me how to drive away.

You also taught me how to drive back.

With flares and protective weather gear in the trunk

and bear repellent in the glove compartment.

Do you know how many people get eaten by bears

on their way to college every year?

Alright. How about you drive us home?

Okay!

But if you start to make me nervous, I will push you out.

Do you know how many moms get killed every year

being pushed out of a moving car by their son?

All of them.

♪♪

Oh, hey, Aunt Becky.

Sorry! Just going out! Can't talk!

You're going out now? It's 11:00.

He works the graveyard shift.

At a fancy Italian restaurant.

Night night! Wait.

I wanted to talk to you about that guy Steve.

He started ghosting me. Why do you think he would do that?

I mean, we were getting along great,

and all of a sudden he just stops texting me.

I don't know what I did wrong.

Don't start blaming yourself.

Aldo's the only guy I've ever had a real relationship with,

so maybe only stupid guys like me.

[ Sighs ]

Don't go there.

Okay? You're amazing!

Maybe he met somebody else.

Maybe somebody he has a history with.

I'm sure you're better than whoever he shared dinner with.

Which was me.

I'm sorry. What?!

Steve and I went out a long time ago,

back when I was drinking.

And I knew it ended badly,

but I couldn't remember whose fault it was.

I swear, I had the best of intentions.

Is that why you're wearing a dress

where your intentions are all pushed up for everyone to see?!

Screw you.

You're gonna wake up Beverly Rose.

Aunt Becky stole a guy that I was talking to online!

No. You're absolutely wrong.

Your aunt only went out with him

to make sure he wasn't a bad guy.

If you did something wrong,

now would be a really good time to tell me.

Harris is right. I shouldn't have gone out with him.

I am sosorry.

What were you thinking?!

I wasn't!

I got divorce papers,

and I guess I was feeling sorry for myself

because everybody around me is in love.

Even Darlene, for God's sake.

You don't know what doing worse than Darlene does to me.

Harris, uh, there's no alternative here.

You're gonna have to hate her forever.

I know what you're doing,

and I'm not gonna hate you forever.

Life coach. You don't lose those muscles.

Look, if you want me to stop seeing him, I will.

No way. I don't want him now.

I'm not taking your leftovers.

Then what can I do to make this up to you?

That was a really crappy thing you did,

even if you are old and desperate.

So old, so desperate.

And, I mean, you see me

and I'm so young, I'm so beautiful,

and I've got my whole life ahead of me.

And I'm at the end.

I've got more yesterdays than tomorrows.

Tell me the truth.

Am I missing out on a great guy?

Well, I don't know. It was only one dinner.

Fine. Go out with him.

It doesn't matter to me.

I've got a few hits on the app anyway.

Did you go out with him, too?

No.

Does he have a twin?

[ Engine idling, door opens ]

Drive, drive, drive!

[ Tires squeal ]

[ Breathing heavily ]

[ Sighs ] Ohh.

Oh, it's like a cloud.

I have shirts that aren't this soft.

This is ourstash.

The rest of the family uses the one-ply.

Oh, yeah.

Just when you think you're out, they pull you back in.

[ Sighs ]

--Captions by VITAC--