Original subtitles

**

Hello.

What? Are those moving boxes?

Is somebody moving out?! Let me help.

No. No.

It's stuff I was storing here

because I didn't have room in my apartment,

but now since I'm moving into Neville's place,

I got to figure out what to bring.

No one ever moves out.

Well, you make it too nice.

Moldy shower curtains,

four different kinds of soap chunks smashed into one.

Nobody's leaving that.

Hey! You look nice.

I'm meeting some friends at the bar for happy hour.

Are they meeting you in your coat?

'Cause it seems like that's where all the food and drinks are.

Well, even happy-hour prices are kind of high.

Usually, I'll flirt with a guy so he buys me drinks,

and then I'll shimmy out the bathroom window and head home,

but the place tonight is at a rooftop bar,

and I don't want to fall 20 stories for a pumpkin pale ale.

There's a lot of things you can take from this house --

books, vegetables, Jackie.

But if you think I'm spending the rest of my night

with these people sober, you are sadly mistaken.

Gimme.

Hm!

Gimme.

I guess I'm back to flirting for drinks.

You're not getting any younger. I'd go.

So how come it took you so long to move in with Neville?

He's an old-fashioned guy.

He felt like living together before marriage

would make God cry.

And yet he had no problem with all the premarital sex.

Single guys have their own religion.

Oh, I tell ya, I tell ya, God would be inconsolable

if he saw what we were doing every night

before I said bye-bye and headed home.

Are you excited to be moving in with your fella?

Oh. Yeah. Absolutely.

This is the first time I'm living with somebody

because we want to be together, you know?

Not because he stole my key while I was asleep

and made a copy at Home Depot.

Oh, my God.

There's stuff from all different parts

of my life in these things.

[ Chuckles ]

Oh, my God! My old service taser!

I was looking for this the last time my mom visited.

Wait! This was just sitting in the closet for years?

Relax. It was in a box. It was taped shut.

Oh, there you go.

No kid has ever gotten through Scotch tape.

That's why they use it on liquor cabinets and pool gates.

Wow. Well, no wonder my box was so heavy.

It's filled with books.

Copies of the book I self-published,

"Lessons from a Life Coach."

How many of these did you sell?

Oh, that's not important.

If I helped one person --

Got it. One.

Hey! You got Roseanne's plastic cow creamer.

[ Laughs ] She spent like eight years

looking all over the place for this thing.

I know. You know what?

Sometimes I even helped her look for it.

I was gonna slip it into her casket at the funeral,

but then I thought I can't let go of that memory

of watching her wander through the house going,

"Where is that damn thing?"

[ Laughs ]

You know, for a former life coach,

you're kinda sadistic.

[ Door opens ]

[ Television turns on ]

Hey. Hmm.

Why do you look so happy? You know where you are, right?

[ Chuckles ]

I also know where we're going tonight.

I got tickets to that new Italian movie.

The one with the sex, huh? And the food?

And the screaming and the smoking and the --

Well, you know. An Italian movie.

Yeah, if I wanted all that, I'd just hang out

in the alley behind the high school.

And to keep the international theme going,

I got a reservation at the best French restaurant

in Kane County -- Le Maître D'.

You know why they call it that, don't you?

The last restaurant was called Le Maître D'

and they didn't feel like changing the sign.

Well, that is so sweet,

but you don't have to do all that for me.

Oh, come on. It's gonna be fun.

You know what else is fun?

Getting cozy and snuggling up right here on the couch.

And you know what?

We will take control of the remote for the whole night.

Dan: No, you won't! Yes, we will!

Alright, well, what about dinner?

I already took care of it.

At some point, Kenny will be dropping a contactless delivery

of vegan enchiladas right at our doorstep.

Oh, he's pulling out of a weed store,

so we might not get all of our food,

but some of it's gotta get here.

Well, we can still have an international night of sorts,

I guess, and before we go to our Italian movie,

Kenny will be high on Jamaican kush,

and then we'll offend Mexico

by eating what you pretend are enchiladas.

I am down with all of that,

except for one small tweak.

We change going to a movie

to not going to a freakin' movie --

Pardon my French. Oh, wait. There's your international.

**

**

**

-- Captions by VITA --

"The Conners" is recorded

in front of a live studio audience.

Hmm.

What happened?

Uh, you fell asleep just as Mrs. Doubtfire's

[laughing] fake boobs caught fire from the stove.

[ Sighs ] I've seen that movie three times.

Fiery boobs are funny maybe twice.

Look, I can't waste my life

sleeping on this couch anymore, you know?

I need some stimulation, some things that make me think.

Geez. Since when did everything have to be

so highbrow, artsy-fartsy for you?

We've always sat around and vegged out on the couch.

Yeah, but I -- [ Groans ]

I need to be around creativity, you know?

I-I-I don't write anymore,

and I work at a hardware store all day long.

And your dad went on the other day for 20 minutes

about toggle bolts versus anchor bolts,

and at one point, I looked over at the rat poison

and I was like, "Oh, man! If only I had the guts."

Well, I'm -- I'm so sorry.

You know, I didn't know that you still missed

the magazine so much. Yeah.

Okay. How is this?

Let's check the guide for a foreign movie

that we can watch tomorrow night,

and we can eat a foreign snack.

Popcornopolis. That's Greek, right?

You're not listening to me, okay?

There's things going on out there

that I want to be a part of.

Okay, fine.

I-I mean, I want you to be happy, so pick --

pick something you want to do. Anything.

Great. Okay.

Uh, they're doing "Romeo and Juliet"

at The Pickled Playhouse in Elk Grove Village

this weekend. Absolutely not.

Every one of those words sounds awful.

[ Chuckles ] Come on. It's fun.

Look, one of the cast members

has to do shots every five minutes until they're drunk,

and then they start screwing up their lines and improvising,

and the -- the whole play becomes something else entirely.

Does it become something I want to watch?

[ Both laugh ]

Look, I'm going, with or without you.

Okay. Fine. I'll go.

But I don't understand why we can't just grab some beers

and rent "The Lion King."

That's like "Hamlet" with a gassy warthog.

Neville: I really like that cow creamer.

Jackie: Yeah, I just hope it goes with the rest of the stuff

that you got in the -- [ Pig snorts ]

Well, the...

cow's gonna fit right in.

What's all this about?

These are guys that need extra care.

I usually stay late at the clinic for that,

but I want us to be able to spend time together,

so I just brought them home.

Are any of these animals dangerous?

Oh. Gosh, no. [ Chuckles ]

Depends on what you mean by that.

Well, like, is that gonna get out

and try and eat me while I'm sleeping?

No, no, no. These are all pets.

Although the pig was pulled out of the slaughterhouse line

at the last minute, so sometimes he screams at night.

So, um, this is all probably gonna be for probably,

like -- like, probably like a week?

Yeah, maybe, but now that we're living together,

I want us to establish a good work-life balance, you know?

I know it's a little Doctor Dolittle-y,

but there will probably be some patients here

for the foreseeable future.

Oh. Okay.

[ Pig squeals ] Wow.

Hm. [ Chuckles ]

[ Macaw squawks ]

Oh, there's that thing, too.

Oh, man. Yeah.

That'll probably go on all night [chuckles]

so I think somebody probably needs some codeine.

Yeah. [ Chuckles nervously ]

I think that's Mrs. Dolittle!

Macaw: Where's my doctor? I need a doctor.

Sounds like somebody lives with a hypochondriac.

And you need to go...there.

[ Pig grunts ]

Hey, hey! I live here, too, okay?

Oh, you want it over here?

There.

[ Pig grunts ] Give it a rest.

You've been screaming all night long.

We've all been through stuff! Move on!

[ Knock on door ]

Macaw: Where's my doctor? Uh-oh. I need a doctor.

And suddenly it was night.

Hey! Hey.

I brought the rest of your life-coach books.

Oh. I thought the sewer was backing up outside,

but the smell is coming from in here.

Yeah, the vet tech guy who cleans up,

he's running a little late.

I wanted to light a scented candle,

but I think there's too much methane in this room.

What is happening here?

Oh, it's actually kind of romantic.

Neville's bringing home his patients

that need extra care at night

so he can spend more time with me.

Maybe it's worth spending a little less time with him

not to have to watch that lizard eat the skin he just shed.

Oh, no, no. It's not that bad.

He's actually really friendly.

Oh. Don't reach in, though.

He's real attached to that dead skin.

If you touch it, he moves like lightning.

[ Gasps ]

You have to put a stop to this right now!

You tell Neville this is your house, too.

Macaw: Uh-oh! I need a doctor!

You're supposed to be asleep!

[ Pig grunts, macaw squawks ]

It's like living in a See 'N Say.

I'm just not comfortable telling Neville

what he can do in his own house.

I mean, you know, this happens all the time.

You move in with a guy, and he's got an old recliner

or a traumatized pig with night terrors,

and, y-you know, you just live with it.

Talk to your husband!

Yeah, I guess you're right.

Hey, while you're here, I promised Neville

I would give Betsy a suppository.

I need you to hold her back legs.

Which one's Betsy?

If I tell you, you won't do it.

Romeo: [ Slurring ] Thy kinsmen are no stop to me...

Okay. Now, Romeo's had 14 shots in an hour.

Now it's gonna get crazy.

This is the high culture you were so desperately craving?

[ Laughs ]

With love's light wings

did I o'er-perch these walls, that --

That's it. I'm tapping out.

[ Laughs ]

We can tap out? Cool. Let's go.

No, no. It's not over. This is the best part.

This is when he's gonna make some poor fool

take his place onstage.

You're up, my good man!

[ Applause ]

Yeah!

I shall not profess love to such an unworthy suitor.

I've been on "CSI: New Orleans." I'm out.

Oh.

We need a Juliet!

You!

The one trying to make yourself as small as possible.

You're Juliet.

[ Audience chanting "Juliet!" ]

Oh, no, no, no. Pick somebody else, please.

Oh, come on. Loosen up. Come on.

Be hilariously bad, and everyone will have a good laugh.

Oh, now that I know I'll be humiliated, I'd love to stay.

Oh, well, I'm sorry it's not as exciting

as checking your Jitterbug for messages

and falling asleep to "Blue Bloods."

Oh, so I'm old now?

You're becoming your father.

No, my father would have never allowed himself

to be dragged here.

You said you wanted to make me happy.

Yeah, well, that was a mistake

that I will never be making again.

You know what? I'm done going out altogether.

Look out, Romeo.

Where is this opening?!

Where's Ben?

Uh, he's staying at his place tonight.

Ohh.

Whatever it is, work it out.

I'm not building you two a house just to destroy my health.

My hammer hand is frozen into a shape

that only works for holding a beer.

I think we can both agree that you have a beer hand

that occasionally holds a hammer.

Yeah, but it's no good for cooking and cleaning,

so I reckon you two squatters will have to help with that.

Oh.

Oh, reach me the remote, would ya?

Oh. Damn it. I got a crick.

Oh. Lean away from it.

Okay.

There we go. Oh, yeah.

Thank you.

There you go. Okay.

Man: ...had a hose that didn't kink

and leak every time you tried to use it?

Oh, you know, you can skip the commercials.

I kinda like 'em.

Yeah. Actually, I do, too.

...as soon as you turn the water...

Oh, I wouldn't mind having one of those hoses

that shrivels up when you turn the water off.

That's cool.

I'd buy one if I could get two for the same price.

Wait for it.

Two for the price of one!

Nice! Nice!

Announcer: ...in the forecourt...

Uh-oh.

What?

Well, Ben might be right.

He says I'm becoming you.

Oh, which me?

The devil-may-care man about town...

or the guy that coasts downhill to save gas?

Well, he -- he thinks I'm getting old and boring.

Oh, it sounds like the coasting guy.

Look, there's no shame in that.

You have a family, you work hard,

and eventually, your couch becomes

your big, cushiony friend that really gets you.

But, I mean, is that so bad?

Not if you're married to one of those anti-couchers

that believes the hype.

What hype?

That there's a whole interesting world out there.

Louise badgers me to get out and listen to live music

or go to some art fair.

I bitch about it the whole time, but the truth is,

I'm really happy to have someone in my life

to pull me off of this couch sometime.

Wow. So you love Louise more than this couch.

That is not where my money was.

Otherwise, you realize life has passed you by

and you're not really living it.

**

[ Television playing ]

Oh. [ Chuckles ] I'll get him to move.

Alfonso just does that to get my attention.

He's such a diva.

Hey, Neville, how about

let's turn off the TV and just talk?

Sure. Yeah.

While we are talking,

I am going to give this guy a little me time.

You know, ferrets are one of the few animals that can go

into a rabbit hole head-first and come out head-first.

One conversation ends, another begins.

Neville, um, I get that you're bringing all these guys home

because you want to spend more time with me,

but you're not really spending more time with me.

Oh. [ Scoffs ]

Didn't we have fun cleaning the earwax

out of that chinchilla together?

Well, I thought Fernando was a little more bitey

than appreciative, but the point is

that we're spending a lot of time with the animals

and we're not getting any private time.

I know, but all this keeps life pretty interesting, doesn't it?

Interesting is a puppy.

All this -- This is a documentary that ends

with the neighbors going, "Well, we saw that comin'."

We don't need all of this to make our life interesting.

But maybe we do.

I don't understand.

When we were dating and we ran out of things to say,

it was always just, "Goodbye. See you tomorrow."

But you're the first person I've actually ever lived with.

I -- [ Sighs ]

I don't know if I'm interesting enough.

[ Gasps ] Neville!

I-If I run out of things to say, you're just gonna see

this kind of boring, awkward guy staring at you.

Are you kidding me?

You're, like, the most interesting person that I know.

And do you honestly think that I would stop loving you

if there's a lull in the conversation?

Well, not if there's an adorable ferret in my lap!

Okay, you don't have to worry about silence with me.

If you don't have anything to say, it's okay.

See? I have nothing to say!

Silence doesn't mean that there's something wrong.

It's like music, you know?

There's the notes, there's the space in between,

but you got to have them both to make a beautiful song.

You think we make good music?

Yeah, I do, but we've got to get rid

of all of these backup singers.

And I called the office.

Some of these guys are just being boarded.

They're not even sick. Neville!

You had me put a suppository in a duck

that was, like, basically on vacation.

She doesn't really need them. She just likes them.

**

Ben: Hey.

Hey.

You sleep okay?

Yeah, yeah. Fine.

I just came by to get your dad.

We're gonna finish up some plumbing at the new house.

We have a working bathroom now, but the walls aren't up,

so if you're in the middle of things

and you see a car coming, it's a lot of pressure.

Okay. I'll just say it.

Um, I'm sorry about what happened at the play.

Yeah, after you left, they, uh --

they picked me to play Juliet.

And I played her more strong than pretty.

I'm sorry I missed that... [ Chuckles ]

...is something you're supposed to say.

[ Laughs ]

Anyway, you're right. I-I -- Sometimes I need a little push

to get out of the house, so thank you.

Oh. I appreciate that.

Alright. So how's this?

We commit to going out at least two nights a week.

Mm-hmm.

On my night, we do an activity

that normal people do,

and on your night,

we do some pretentious, insufferable artsy thing

that makes me wish I was dead.

Okay, so I get some creativity to feed my soul

and it annoys the hell out of you?

Oh, I'm so in.

Okay. Don't get excited.

I got some rules about your night.

[ Groans ] Such as?

No audience participation of any kind,

only one thing a year with the word "festival" in it,

no cover bands... [ Sighs ]

...and, no, I do not want to "see all the cool 'merch.'"

But I love my "Hamilton" three-corner hat.

And if you hadn't worn it to bed,

we wouldn't be having this conversation.

Well, what if I wear it on my head next time?

**

[ Falsetto voice ] All are punished, then this

of Juliet and her Romeo.

Ohh!

Hey, hey! That dagger's not as happy as we are,

'cause you finally stopped talking!

[ Laughter ] Yeah, hey!

I was a better Juliet, and I have a beard!

I had to help give a duck a suppository,

and this is worse!

[ Normal voice ] That's my family. They came to support me.

Hey!