Original subtitles

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[ANNOUNCER]: Please welcome to the stage, Sarah Millican!

_

[AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS]

Thank you very much.

Ah...

So great to see you all, thank you.

[SHE LAUGHS]

Thank you very much.

How the fuck are you? Are you well?

[AUDIENCE]: Yes.

Give me a cheer if you're on the top level?

[AUDIENCE CHEERS]

That's pretty good. Middle level?

[AUDIENCE CHEERS]

Downstairs.

[AUDIENCE CHEERS]

We're all here. Let's get fucking cracking.

I always like to start every show but letting you know

what time we'll finish.

I don't know if you're like me

I suspect some of you are

but every time I go anywhere

or do anything

I want to know, "What time will it end?"

I'm always planning on having a lovely time

but I also want to know what time

I can take my fucking bra off.

So we'll finish probably about 10:30

have your bra off by what? 10:35?

Is that alright? Yes.

Just to clarify, I do not mind if you take your bra off

during the show.

As far as I'm concerned, it's just more clapping for me.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

[SARAH GIGGLES]

Go on.

Quite a lot of you have started early!

Thank you very much for the clapping and cheering

when I came out, much appreciated. I love that.

I need that. I'm so fucking needy.

Also, there was a bit of wooing.

I love the wooing, it's a certain kind of person

when lights go out, they just can't fucking help themselves.

"Woo, something's happening!"

Which is lovely for me, but what I want to know is

how do those people go to bed?

Do you think they turn their bedside lamp off

and they're like, "Ooh, something's happening!"

And their partner's like, "It's Monday night.

Nothing's fucking happening!"

[SARAH GIGGLES]

I, uh... Are we drinking tonight?

Are you drinking?

[AUDIENCE CHEERS] - Some of you are.

Some of you aren't. Fair enough.

I've got a friend who drinks quite a lot.

That already sounds quite judgy, doesn't it?

I don't mean it to. She's one of those people...

You know those people who say things like

"It's seven o'clock somewhere". You know those people?

And I have to go, "Yeah, Brenda

but it's still fucking noon here".

Problem is I can't be so judgy with her anymore

cos I'm the same with cake.

Whenever I have a slice of cake

I always think, "Well, it's somebody's birthday".

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

And it is always somebody's birthday.

Only the other day I had a slice of lemon drizzle cake and I sang

♪ Happy Birthday, dear Enya ♪

You're very lucky, though.

A few months ago I was in Worthing on the south coast

and I had to sing ♪ Happy Birthday... ♪

♪ ...Myra Hindley ♪

Oooh!

She was the only famous person who had a birthday that day.

Shit!

So, to avoid that, I'm now on a mailing list.

I get an email every day, letting me know

which famous birthdays are happening that day.

When it first came through, I scrolled back

to the end of May when it's my birthday.

I thought, I'll have a look, see if I'm on the list.

I'm not on the list!

I'm not famous enough to be on the list. Cheeky fuckers!

I mean, Enya, fair enough

but put me ahead of Myra fucking Hindley!

Jesus Christ!

Well, the venue asked me to read something aloud to you

at the very start of the show, and I totally forgot

so let's do that now. Obviously, we live

in a slightly different world now, as we all know

so let's just read this, get it out of the way

and then we can crack on with the jokes.

So, this is from the venue.

"Warning...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

...this show contains moderate swearing

sexual references and some upsetting scenes".

[AUDIENCE CHEERS] - [SARAH CHUCKLES]

That's a great response.

"That's why we came".

I've noticed fairly recently that some compliments are shit.

So, compliments are supposed to make you feel nice, right?

Some of them start really well

and then partway through, they just fucking turn on you.

I'll give you an example.

A friend of mine said, "I like your hair..."

and I was all ready to say, "Oh, thanks very much!"

And she said, "...like that".

What the fuck does that bit mean?

So you thought it looked shit yesterday, bitch

is that what you're saying?

All I'm suggesting is that we start shortening

our compliments.

Next time you're paying somebody compliment

if partway through they're smiling

back the fuck away, you've done your job.

I'll give you two examples. You could say

"You look great..."

and don't bother adding on the end, "...for your age".

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Or you could say, "That feels amazing..."

and don't bother adding on the end

"...considering the lack of girth".

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND CLAPS]

[THEY CHEER]

It's one of the reasons I named my show "Bobby Dazzler".

I should explain, though.

When I first named my show "Bobby Dazzler"

I genuinely thought it was a universally understood term.

It is fucking not.

I did a show in Iceland.

In Iceland! Yes, the country.

Who said that, "the country?"

Yes, the fucking country!

Didn't even shout it out, just whispered into your friend

"The country?" Yes, the fucking country!

"No, she did two nights in Dartford

and then just a freezer shop the next day.

It was really weird".

Did a show in Reykjavik in Iceland

and 100% of the audience thought "Bobby Dazzler" was

the name of my support act.

And when I brought somebody else out

they were all like, "Oh, Bobby must have Covid!"

Well, if you don't know the term "Bobby Dazzler"

it's a really pure compliment. It's lovely.

If somebody calls you one, it just means

you look excellent, or you are excellent. That's it.

Also, I don't think there are many compliments

that can equally describe a child in new wellies...

"Who's a Bobby Dazzler?"

...and a brand new erection.

"Now, that is a Bobby Dazzler".

Boi-oi-oi-oing.

Boi-oi-oi-oing.

Wah, wah, wah.

Wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah.

[AUDIENCE ERUPTS]

Some of you might have noticed I've got new glasses.

I went to the optician.

I went into the little room with the lady on the computer.

She brought my record up on the screen, and she said

"Can I ask you a question?"

I said, "Yes, of course". She said...

"Have you been going somewhere else?"

And I thought, I've never been accused

of cheating on me optician before.

I said, "No, why?"

She said, "You haven't had your eyes tested since 2012".

It's quite a long time ago.

Which surprised me.

I've been wearing glasses since I was six years old.

Give me a "woo" if you also wear glasses?

[AUDIENCE]: Woo! - Loads of you.

Maybe some of you are like me.

I normally love an eye test cos to me it's a fun quiz

and then I can see again, like, what's not to like?

But I always forget the bit they do at the beginning.

The sort of health check that they do now

where they kind of blow on your eyes.

Well, it's the machine. It's not the lady, is it?

That'd be creepy as fuck if she just lent in and went...

[SHE BLOWS]

She said, "Good news, your eyes are in perfect health".

I said, "Good. I'm glad something is

cos I'm 47 and things are starting to sort of hang

and unravel and dribble a bit".

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

It's one of the reasons I've got leggings on tonight.

Very absorbent.

My advice to the front row is

just breathe with your mouths tonight.

That's my advice.

No sniffy-sniffy. All mouthy-mouthy.

Then we got on to the actual eye test itself.

She did the bit where they say, "Is it clearer now?

And now?

And now?

And now?"

I don't think they tell them at optician school

that like 90% of their future job

is going to be finding fancier ways of saying

"And now".

[MYSTERIOUSLY]: And now.

[VERY QUICKLY]: I now.

[GASPING]: And... Oh! Oh! Now!

Too far! That one's too far.

Then she did the bit with the circles.

Remember this bit? Where they say

the circle's darker on the red or on the green?

Or on the green or on the red?

Then she said, "I want you to read that bottom line".

I said, "Not a problem". I looked at it.

It was very small.

I said it might be a bit of guesswork.

She said, "That's alright, just try your best".

So I studied it and I went...

"J"?

And then I looked at her face to see if I was nailing it

cos you do that, don't you?

She was very professional. I could not tell.

I went back to a "J"

and then I went, "B"

and she said, "Can I just stop you there?

They're numbers".

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

But I explained to her that my husband was

also in having an eye test.

He'd gone in five minutes ahead of me

with a different optician, obviously.

I said, "I think he's probably done by now".

She said, "Oh, he's definitely done by now".

I said, "Why did you say it like that?"

She said, "We've been in here a really long time".

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

I said, "Why?"

She said, "Well, if you came a bit more often

I wouldn't have so much to tell you".

Alright, arsey cow.

So, I came out and my husband was there

waiting for ages. Sure enough, all done

and we worked out it was eight years

since his last appointment and nine for me

so he wasn't much better than I was.

I said, "What did they say about your eyes?

What was the verdict?"

He said, "Oh, they said they're pretty much the same.

In fact, if anything, they might be a bit better".

Fucking better? Fucking better!

Whose eyes improve with age?

It's not fucking Wolverine.

But this is exactly the same when we go to the dentist

cos he's got really good teeth.

Never needs anything doing.

Sometimes they do a scrape and polish

so he can feel like he's joining in on the experience.

I have terrible teeth.

Whenever I go to the dentist, I ask

"How many fillings do I need?"

Cos it's always at least one.

I have, and I don't think this is common

a loyalty card at the dentist.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

I can tell from your response it's not common at all, is it?

It's a little bit of cardboard. It's got all my teeth drawn on.

Every time I get a filling, they colour another one in.

And when it's full, I get diabetes.

The last time my husband had a scrape and polish

he went to pay afterwards

and the lady said, "No, no...

you can have this one free of charge

because your wife is such a good customer".

His eyes are improving, his teeth are always fine.

I've got a horrible feeling that we're turning

into Richard and Judy.

It's harsh, but you know what I mean, don't you?

I don't think Judy Finnigan is ageing badly.

I think she's ageing normally.

He, I think, is drinking the blood of a virgin.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

The reason she looks like she does

is because she's got to deal with his shit every fucking day.

Every time he opens his mouth to talk

we all cringe, don't we? What's he going to say?

She's just glad he's not going down on her.

[SARAH CHUCKLES]

There's an image for you all to take home.

You're welcome.

But my husband said, "That's what they said about my eyes.

What did they say about your eyes?"

I said, "Oh, I need different pairs of glasses

for so many different things.

I've got drivers. I've got readers.

These are the ones I have to wear if I want to eat a Twix.

These are the ones I wear for meeting a friend

but if I see her ahead of time

or I give a little wave across the street

it's different fucking glasses!

So I'm gonna have so many chains around my neck

I'm going to look like Mr. fucking T".

Give me a "woo" if you came here tonight with a family member?

[AUDIENCE]: Woo!

And if you came with a friend?

[AUDIENCE]: Woo!

There's not as many with friends

but you're more enthusiastic, that's interesting, isn't it?

The people who came with a friend

is anybody in a really long friendship?

Give me a wave if you are.

We've got people here. Oh, right at the front.

How long have you two been friends?

[WOMAN]: 15 years. - 15 years? Thank you for that.

There was a lady the other day, shouted out "45 years".

I said, "Wow, where did you meet?"

And she went...

"At birth."

[AUDIENCE GROANS]

I said, "It's not your fucking mam, is it?

I hate people who are like that.

[IN A SOPPY VOICE]: "My mam's my best friend".

[IN NORMAL VOICE]: Yeah, you're not hers.

She wants you to move out.

But well done to all of the long friendships in the room.

I'm very impressed by you.

I'm also a little bit jealous of you.

I have friends from comedy

friends from other jobs that I've had.

I don't have any friends from school.

You wouldn't think you'd know why, but I know exactly why.

When I was a kid and my birthday rolled around

my mam would say, "Would you like a party?"

You have to remember that kids' parties

when I was a child, very different to kids' parties now.

For example, I have a friend

who has an eight-year-old daughter.

For her last birthday party

they hired somebody to do manicures

and also a hot tub.

I said, "What the fuck are you doing?

You're not Kardashians".

But if you've got little ones now

maybe this is the kind of elaborate party

that you have to put on. Maybe hire a venue

maybe somebody does the catering.

Maybe a man you don't know comes in in a weird outfit

and plays with your children for money.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

You can call him a clown if you like

but my description is still valid.

"Come on in, kids.

Paedo the clown has arrived!

We're pretty sure he's alright

but don't sniff his flower, just in case".

At least you'd know if he was getting

any of the kids to touch him

in a wrong area, cos it makes this sound...

[CLOWN HORN SOUND]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND CLAPS]

I fully expect at some point on this tour

to start getting really angry emails from clowns...

which I will then forward onto the police.

"Found another one for you, you're welcome!"

I did a show in Antwerp a while back

in Antwerp in Belgium

and just after I honked, a man on the front row

really quiet, really sinister-looking, just went...

[IN A DEEP VOICE]: "Do it again".

Ehhh.

So, for him and for you.

[CLOWN HORN SOUND]

[SHE GIGGLES]

This is not the kind of party that was on offer

to me, though, when I was a child.

Let's gauge your age in the room.

Give me a "woo" if you're under 40.

[AUDIENCE]: Woo!

40 and above?

[AUDIENCE]: Woo!

There's a lot more of us. We can take them, can't we?

The kind of party that was on offer to me

in the '70s and the '80s would be this...

Six friends, maximum.

That's the sort of amount I would've struggled

to fill at that age.

Somebody would've had to bring their cousin

just to make up the numbers.

In your house, wasn't it always in your house?

And your mam, or a mam, someone's mam...

would prepare the food.

And by that, I mean they would cut it all into cubes.

So it could take part in the hedgehog.

Anything that wasn't cut into cubes was cut on an angle

so you know you're at a party.

That's how you know.

Don't know if you know, but this works

as an adult as well.

If you're ever at somebody's house

and you're like is it a party?

Is it not a party? Look at the food.

Is it cut on an angle? You're at a fucking party.

Are the biscuits fanned out on a plate?

You're at a fucking party.

You don't do that for yourself, do you?

You don't sit down in front of Bake Off

with a packet of pink wafers and your best plate.

No, you put the full packet in, pull out the wrapper.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND CHEERS]

They'd also be party games. Wouldn't there be party games?

One of your toys would be wrapped up

several times and passed around

until some other fucker takes it home.

Someone would piss themselves, wouldn't they? Always.

Usually the same child at every party.

And you'd all go home with a little bag of crap.

That's a kids party, isn't it

in the '70s and '80s, right there?

The other option, if I didn't want a party, would be this.

So, I'm from a place called South Shields.

South Shields is near Newcastle

and in Newcastle is a department store

called Fenwick's, quite a fancy department store.

Now the option if I wanted to, instead of a party

to go to Fenwick's for the day with my mam, just the two of us.

We'd go to the restaurant, which was not fancy.

Any restaurant that starts with your own tray is not fancy.

And I could choose anything I liked off the menu

which every single time I went was always the same thing.

All I ever wanted was chips in a bowl.

That's all I ever wanted

because to me, the height of luxury

was being able to have nothing else with your chips

but other fucking chips.

Then we'd go to the toy department

I'll pick a toy and we'd go home.

Every single birthday I had as a child

was spent in Fenwick's.

I never said "yes" to a party.

I chose Fenwick's over friends...

some would say chips over friends.

Still sort of doing it now...

and I regret not a fucking thing.

But every time I was invited

to somebody else's birthday party as a kid

I always went. It's rude, really, isn't it

to go to others' parties, never have one of your own.

I'd go to the party, I'd eat the cubed food

I'd win a prize

piss myself...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

...and I'd go home with a little bag of crap

and an adult man's mobile number.

[CLOWN HORN SOUND] - No.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Did anybody find in the last few of years

when we were dealing with all the Covid shite

anybody find that every now and again

they felt like they were going a little bit mad?

[AUDIENCE]: Yeah. - Yes?

So, "overwhelmed" is probably a better word.

I'd feel a bit overwhelmed

and I'd do a thing that I thought would help.

Let me tell you a few of the things I tried.

First thing I tried, I bought some seeds.

Do you remember there was a while back there

when food was so scarce, we all thought

we're going to have to grow it all ourselves?

I bought some seeds.

My friend quite rightly pointed out

that seeds only really grow fruit and vegetables.

I thought, "What fucking use is that to me?"

Where are the seeds for the Twixes and the toilet rolls

and the microwave dinners? That's what I need.

Does anybody want to hazard a guess

how many seeds I actually planted?

[AUDIENCE]: None. - None, thank you, None.

There was a man the other day, shouted out "two"

which has gotta be the weirdest suggestion of all.

Sounds like I just tripped when I got out the car

and a couple accidently landed in the ground.

Another thing I tried, I tried a bit of yoga.

Does anybody do yoga?

They even sound quite relaxed when answering the question

don't they?

[IN A CALM DEEP VOICE]: "Yes, I do yoga.

I'm bendy as fuck".

[IN NORMAL VOICE]: I tried a bit of yoga.

Watched a lady on YouTube.

Had to turn the volume up really loud, though

cos I couldn't hear what she was telling me to do

over all of the clicking of my joints.

And initially I thought this is gonna be harder for me

because I'm fat and the woman in the video was wafer thin

and tiny. Is this gonna be harder for me?

And then after a while I realised, if anything

I had a slight unfair advantage.

For example, when she said, "Pull in your lower belly"

I thought, "I'm glad she knows I've got two".

I found a way to make planking a lot easier.

Do it naked, tits and belly hit the floor

a lot less to hold up.

And pretty much every time she said "chin to chest"

I was sort of already doing it.

How was that a fucking exercise?

That's how I read.

Another thing I tried...

Give me a "woo" if you've heard of the "Couch to 5K" app?

[AUDIENCE]: Whoo! - Quite a lot of you.

For those of you who haven't, let me tell you what it is.

It's an app to get you running, a BBC app.

The idea is you start as a beginner

and by the end, you should be able to run five kilometres

and the whole way through, you have somebody in your ear

talking you through it, telling you when to run, when to walk

offering you kind of support and encouragement.

And of those people...

there's quite a few people you can choose from...

one of them is Olympic gold medallist Michael Johnson.

And another one is me. How the fuck did that happen?

When I was first asked to do it a long time ago now

they were very nice to me, they said

"You've got a really friendly voice.

We thought you'd be great for this".

That's what they said. What I think they meant was

"You look like people who don't run".

When I recorded it, I said, "Can I mix it up?

Can I change it round? Can I put my own words in?"

And they said, "No, no, it's BBC, it's health.

It's very important you just stick with what's written".

All I was allowed to do was

put in some "Well done, flowers"

and "Well done, pets". That's all I was allowed.

All I really wanted to do, on the bit where it says

"And now have a snack such as a banana"

really quietly underneath, I just wanted to go...

[IN A DEEP VOICE]: "Muffin".

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

So that you knew it was definitely me

and in case you were worried, I was safe.

It's good to know that. It's good to know.

But pretty much every day, somebody on social media

would send me a message saying they've started it

or they finished it, or they're in the middle of it

and they never thought they could run

and now they can run and they love it.

And on one of my overwhelmed days

I thought, if it's working for all of those people

maybe I should be giving it a go.

And then I thought, should I use...

my own voice?

I couldn't work out if I'd find it inspirational

or really fucking irritating.

And the truth is, both.

Some days it would say things like, "You're doing really well.

I'm really proud of you" and I'd be like

"I am doing really well.

Thanks for being proud of me, past me

sitting on a sofa eating a fucking biscuit".

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Then other days it would say, "Well, if that went well

why don't you run a bit faster?"

And I would say, "Why don't you fuck the fuck off"?

My husband said, "Isn't it hard?"

He prefers to do weights, doesn't like to run.

He said, "Isn't it hard?"

Cos I did do it. I completed the whole thing

and I used my own voice like an absolute bellend.

I said, "Of course it's hard. It's running".

I said, "Haven't we all done loads of hard things

over the last few years, we never thought

we'd have to do?"

And I came up with something that sounds like a catchphrase.

I dunno where it came from but I like it

and I'm keeping it.

I said, "Of course it's hard

because if it was easy, it'd be biscuits".

I don't know where that came from.

I think I might've read it on a t-shirt.

But I would like to talk to you guys

to see if anybody in this beautiful room

of glorious people would like to shout out something that you did

in what I'm calling "a moment of madness"

in the last few years.

We'll section you off, make it slightly easier.

Let me give you an example.

There was a man a few months ago...

I said, "What did you do in a moment of madness

in the last few years?"

He said he bought a butter churn...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

...and I love the sheer panic he clearly had.

"What if we're run out of butter?"

I asked him how many times he'd used it.

He said, "Just the once"

cos it turns out it makes a fuck-load of butter.

I think the easiest way to talk to you guys

is in the sections you're sort of already in.

So we'll start at the top and work our way

down the room. So, that lovely upstairs section.

Anybody in that upstairs section want to shout out

something you did?

A moment of madness in the last few years.

Anybody want to start us off?

[WOMAN]: Had a baby! - [WOMAN 2]: Got engaged!

OK, we'll come back to this one.

[MAN]: Bought a lightsaber!

Hold, well, there's so much to talk about!

Quite a lot to unpack.

Lady over here, shout out again.

[WOMAN]: I had a baby. - You had a baby?

Is it your first baby?

Yeah. - [SARAH]: Yeah?

Is it also your last baby?

Yes! Oh, God!

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS] - What was that?

Somebody else answered!

That's my aunt!

[SARAH]: It's who? - My aunt.

Your aunt. Does your aunt do a lot of babysitting

by any chance?

She does indeed, she lives up the road.

She lives up the road.

Who moved into the street first, though?

I did.

She's proper arsey, isn't she? I love it.

And then she was like, "I'm pregnant.

I'm gonna move in near my aunt".

This is genius.

What did you have, a girl or a boy?

Baby boy.

Baby boy. Never mind, you can try again for the proper ones.

No, it's fine. Girls are better. It's just a fact.

Did you have your baby during the time

when it was really scary in the hospitals, my love?

It's always scary having a baby!

Is it?

I've had some terrifying shits in my time.

I really have.

I had one once, while we're sharing...

where it felt like it was kind of like giving birth

because there was a really wide bit of it

and I was like, "Oh, I got the shoulders past

we're alright".

But I appreciate it is always scary.

Round of applause for the lady with the new baby.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS]

Lovely.

We had somebody else over this side, shout out again.

[WOMAN 2]: Got engaged.

How long had you been with your partner

before the proposal?

Uh, four years.

[SARAH]: Four years? - Yeah.

One woman went, "Oh, yeah".

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

The rest of you are like, "Seems fair enough".

Just one woman, really spoke for the group, didn't she?

"Yeah, that's reasonable."

And who proposed to who?

He proposed to me.

[SARAH]: Is this him beside you there?

Yeah... no...

Hold on, did you say yes

look at him and then say no?

Is that what happened there?

Yes.

Oh, no.

Who is this beside you?

Jason.

Jason.

Who is he to you?

Fiancé.

Oh, you are, so it is you!

I thought she said no!

Mm... no.

So, Jason, you proposed to your good lady.

Was it a very romantic proposal, my love?

Uh, yeah.

No, actually! - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Yeah...

And she went, "No!"

Can you tell me where it happened?

What happened?

I slapped him round the face.

You slapped him round the face?

Before or after the proposal?

Is that what inspired it?

Is he into that sort of dirty shit, is he?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Just a really good crack and he was like...

[IN A DEEP VOICE]: "Fucking hell, marry me...

That was amazing".

"Now do me ball bag, oh..."

[SARAH CHUCKLES]

He's nodding.

He's not, I'm just taking the piss.

And have you got kids, have you got animals?

What's the situation at home?

We've got kids but not with each other.

Oh, OK, hm...

Kids but not with each other.

Well, not if you keep slapping his ball bag!

Got no fucking chance, has he?

Just be empty and dry in there.

Round of applause for the happy couple!

And we had somebody else upstairs.

Do you want to shout out again?

[MAN]: Uh, a lightsaber.

It was a nerd or impulse buy.

A nerd impulse buy?

You've got your reasons already ready, haven't you?

Just...

Why don't you think?

Do you think I would think it was a bad thing?

It sounds fucking awesome!

Now, it's not a real one, though.

No, no. - No, so what...

What happens when you press...

It can't shoot out.

But what... stop it!

Somebody's laughing over there, behind there.

It's, uh, it's 3D printed.

It's 3D printed!

No offence, mate, but it sounds shit.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Does it turn on, then? I don't really understand

anything about 3D printers. Does it turn on?

It's more of a display piece.

Oh, a display piece!

We're picturing your flat now, aren't we?

Have you got anything else on display?

Um, I dunno, ask her. [HE LAUGHS]

Ask her?

I mean, we're all surprised you've got a girlfriend.

Actually, I can't see, it might be his mam.

That would make more sense, wouldn't it?

[SARAH CHUCKLES]

I love that you bought yourself a lightsaber.

Well fucking done.

Round of applause for the Star Warsfan.

Good work, upstairs.

Middle section, anybody want to shout out

something you did in a moment of madness?

[MAN]: Got a hot tub!

[SARAH]: Oh, said with confidence.

Couple of people upstairs, all of a sudden...

ba-baba-ba-baaa!

There was somebody over here, shout it again.

[MAN]: Got a hot tub.

You got a hot tub?

[MAN]: Yeah. - Yeah? Did you?

So, how many people does it sit?

[MAN]: Four.

Four. You know that, don't you as well?

You've had...

[IN A DEEP VOICE]: "Friends round".

Oh, no, just the neighbours.

I got it from Lidl and I only went in for milk.

[SHE LAUGHS]

He got it from Lidl, and you only went in for milk!

That's incredible.

You should be on the advert for Lidl!

"Come in for milk, go home

with you know, somewhere to have sex

with your neighbours".

Is this your partner?

Single! - [SARAH]: You're single?

He's definitely had people in that hot tub, hasn't he?

Do you just sometimes sit in it on your own?

D'you know, all my friends get in it and I don't.

Mmm...

We don't believe him, do we? No.

I've got a question for you.

I genuinely don't know the answer to this, um...

In a hot tub...

Maybe everybody else can answer, I suspect you know

but maybe other people know as well...

In a hot tub, does jizz like mix in?

[AUDIENCE GROANS]

I don't know.

Does it mix in or does it go like stringy like goldfish poos?

You know, like...

go in with a little... like a tiddly net

and just try and catch it.

Yeah, tell me.

As you would say, it gets claggy.

It gets... [SHE LAUGHS]

It gets claggy.

I love that you know

and you're acknowledging that you know.

Well, I hope you meet somebody very soon

you can sit in your hot tub with.

Round of applause for the lovely fella.

[AUDIENCE CLAPS]

[SARAH]: Thank you.

Anybody else in the middle section

shout out something you did in a moment of madness?

[MAN 2]: Hello, Sarah.

Hello.

Are we just having a chat or have you got an answer

to the fucking question, flower?

No, no, every day during lockdown

I tried to have a two-pound poo.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Every day, during lockdown

you tried to have a two-pound poo!

What I want to know is, who was paying you, flower?

Are you weighing them? Are you photographing them?

No, I just stand there naked

weigh myself, sh-- - [SARAH]: Oh, no, no.

You really mean it!

You understand, you all got that, didn't you from him?

That he would way himself naked

do a shit...

weigh himself naked again...

Did you have a chart on the kitchen wall?

Get a little star, a little brown star?

Was it a brown star?

Brown star stickers are quite hard to come by.

Is your wife beside you? Who looks appalled?

She was very interested.

[SARAH]: Say that again.

This is Ruth, she loved me telling her every morning

that I failed.

You can't all see her, but she's like this.

I managed it two weeks ago.

You married her two weeks ago?

No, I managed a two-pound poo!

Oh, you managed a two-pound...

[THEY ALL LAUGH]

[MEN CHEER]

Two people cheered and they were definitely men!

They were like...

[IN A LOW VOICE]: Got a new project.

I've got a new project.

Well, I'm very proud of you.

Congratulations on your new hobby, flower.

Round of applause...

for the poo winner.

[SARAH CHUCKLES]

Thank you.

Anybody downstairs want to shout out something you did

in a moment of madness?

[WOMAN]: I left my husband.

You left your husband?

[WOMEN CHEER]

How long had you been married, my lovely?

Twenty-five years. - [AUDIENCE]: Oooh.

Twenty... oh!

It's gone a bit panto in here, hasn't it?

Oooooh!

Twenty-five years, that's incredible!

Are you officially divorced?

Have you been through your absolute and all that?

Not yet, January.

[SARAH]: January?

Fuckin', it's gonna be a good fuckin' day, isn't it?

So, you left him? - [WOMAN]: I did.

Yes, and did... so is he still in the house

that you were in together? - He is.

Yeah, and have you got yourself like a...

fancy lady pad? - I'm all over it, I've got--

[SARAH LAUGHS] You're all over it!

You've got a sexy pad, have ya?

I don't mean...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

We're sort of that age, uh... [SHE LAUGHS]

...you and I.

Congratulations, and I don't know, like...

I'm divorced and then remarried.

I don't know if you all know...

Everybody, we've all had breakups, and you know...

especially significant relationships.

I don't know if you've been through this phase yet

I feel like you might have done.

There's a phase you got through when you get divorced

or you end a relationship, there's a phase you go through

where you can't sleep.

And what you do, this is a tip if anybody's getting there

or they're about to dump somebody significant

maybe who's sitting beside them tonight, what a great day!

There's a tip, if you can't sleep, what you do is

you have a big cry, you have a wank, you have a Magnum

you go back to bed, sleep like a baby.

I choose to keep the wank and the Magnum separate

but it's up to you.

I don't mind. It's up to you.

Well, congratulations and have a great day

on your absolute day. Round of applause

for the fantastic lady.

Good answers.

Very good answers tonight.

Let me tell you a couple of my favourite ones.

There was a lady in Birmingham...

I said, "What did you do in a moment of madness?"

She said, "My lodger".

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

By way of explanation, she went, "Well, he's Greek".

I don't know what that means!

Fair enough.

I said, "Do you still live with him now?" She said, "Yes".

I said, "Are you in a relationship with him?"

She said, "No, no".

I said, "Well done, you. You've had this fling

got past it, you've been such adults about it.

She said, "Oh, no, it's still going on".

I said, "Did you cut his rent a bit?"

She said, "Actually no, I put it up".

Another one I liked was in Liverpool.

A lady said... I said, "What did you do

in a moment of madness?"

She said, "I've started drinking wine out of a mug"...

which didn't sound that mad to me

but then she said, "No, no, during important work meetings

on Zoom".

She said the trick is, you get the bit of string

and the paper off a herbal tea bag

and you drape it over the side of your mug.

She's a fucking genius, is what she is.

One of the things I dabbled in

a little bit in lockdown, was aromatherapy.

I've never really bothered with aromatherapy in the past

cos I have actual therapy.

You don't need aroma something

if you're having the real fucking thing.

If I fancy something sweet

I don't have an aroma Twix, do I?

No.

If I'm tired, but I can't sleep

I don't have an aroma wank, do I? No.

Bought myself some aromatherapy balms.

If you don't know what they are, you put them

on your pulse points. It's supposed to make you feel nice.

And the four that I bought all had names.

They were called "Sleepy Time", like I'm five...

"Calm Down," alright...

"Wake Up", make your fucking mind up

and "Headache" which is a bit more medical.

And they all smell of things you'd expect them to smell of.

Lavender, camomile, that sort of thing.

I thought it'd be interesting to get my husband to smell them

to tell me what he thought they smelt of.

To be fair, I did once ask him to smell my vagina candle

and he said it smelt of beef and cheese

and he got it right first time.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

But in that order of Sleepy Time, Calm Down

Wake Up, Headache, he said

they smelt of creosote, grass, nothing, and an old shop.

He's got no fucking clue.

I don't know why we bother with these things, though

cos we've got lavender in the garden.

So, what I do now, before I go to bed, I just

nip out into the garden

in my nightie and I inhale a bush.

And then I get in the house and my husband does this same!

Beef and cheese! Beef and cheese!

But d'you remember when the food shops were terrifying

and we all started ordering food online?

I downloaded all the different supermarket apps into my phone

try and get a delivery slot.

Eventually I got one, shouted to my husband who's in the kitchen.

I shouted, "I've got a slot, I've got a slot!

Come and help me fill it!"

Used to mean something else.

And the slot that I got was on the Asda app

and I started to add things to the basket, usual things

bread and milk and whatnot.

When it came to the fruit, though

the fruit was divided into different sections.

There was an exotic fruit section.

I thought, "Ooh, let's see what Asda's got

by way of exotic fruit!"

And in there was a papaya.

I thought, "Yeah, there might be a global pandemic

happening Asda, but I will have a fucking papaya".

And when I added it to the basket

I half expected the Asda app to be like

"Ooooh...

did you mean Birdseye potato waffles?"

"No, but thanks for the reminder".

Also add to basket.

You know when you order food online, you don't always get

what you want, do you? Sometimes you get substitutions.

Asda didn't have any fucking papayas.

They just sent me two pies, which was good enough.

But as well as the papayas, I also ordered kiwifruit.

I love a kiwifruit.

When I first met my husband, we hadn't started going out yet

we were just friends. I watched him eat a kiwi, like an apple.

Um-um-um, fur and all.

[AUDIENCE GROANS]

And I looked at him and I thought

"This bodes very well for me".

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Now let's see how he does with this coconut.

But we've lived in the house we live in now

for about nine years.

Before that, we both rented flats separately.

If you rent now, or you've ever rented in the past

you will know that if something breaks in your rented place

you tell the person responsible, who does nothing at all

and you learn to live without the thing.

That's right, isn't it?

When you own somewhere, though, you're responsible.

My husband had this great idea when we first moved in together

to have, like, a rolling jobs list.

Just a document on his computer of all the things

that needed doing to the house.

Some of those things we could do ourselves.

Some of those things he would need to ring a bigger boy

who would come and do it for us.

One day he shared the document with me.

He said, "Just in case you want to add any jobs to the list".

So I scrolled right to the bottom, and I just wrote

"cunnilingus".

And he spotted it.

He said, "Yeah, as long as you don't mind

a Polish handyman coming to do it?"

And I said, "Not at all".

He said, "To be fair, it's sort of already on the list.

It's just under clearing the gutters".

[SHE GIGGLES]

But I've been married a long time.

Different men. Let's move on, and...

I think I know a bit about relationships.

I've got a theory. See if you agree with this.

My theory is that most relationships are made up

of one person who does chores as they see them arise

and another person who needs to be asked to do chores.

Would you agree with that? - [AUDIENCE]: Yeah.

[SARAH]: So I'm the do-er, in our family.

My husband will do anything I ask

but does often need to be asked.

I found a way around this.

If this is helpful in your relationship, please use it.

I do not mind. What I do

is I make every chore a challenge.

So, I say to him, "Bet you can't bring in all the shopping

from the car in one go?"

And he goes, "Course I can!" He does it

and I tick it off my list. Hooray!

I'll say, "Bet you can't empty the dishwasher

in less than two minutes", and he goes

"I bet I bloody can".

I use a stopwatch to make it more fun for him, you know?

It's basically like a really domestic version

of The Crystal Maze.

Where I am Richard O'Brien

or Richard Ayoade, if you're very young

and my husband is in a big glass sphere.

Also in this sphere is a washing machine and a tumble dryer.

Against the clock to win another month of marriage

he has to take clothes out of the washing machine

and deduce whether or not they can be tumble-dried.

And it's not as straightforward as looking at the label

because nobody knows what the fucking symbols mean.

There's only one symbol we all know.

And I think the reason it's universal is

cos it's so damn important.

And that's the hand one.

We all know the hand one, don't we?

Cos that means wave goodbye to your lovely top

because it's about to get fucking shrunk.

But I bought this dress, many reasons

but one of them is that it's got fucking pockets!

[AUDIENCE CHEERS]

It's how you make a woman happy, isn't it?

Show her something with pockets.

This is what feminism is to me

cos I could be scratching my fanny now.

You'd have no idea.

But I've got a friend who's got dungarees

and they've got pockets everywhere.

She looks amazing in her dungarees and I'm so jealous

and I keep thinking, should I get some dungarees?

But she's a lot thinner than me and I've got a horrible feeling

I'd just look fucking pregnant in them.

And that's what I said to my husband.

I said, I think the only way I could get away with dungarees

is if either I lost loads of weight...

it's not going to happen, I can't be bothered...

or I wait until I'm so old

that I couldn't possibly be pregnant.

Which these days, because of fucking science

is about 70, isn't it?

Thanks fucking science.

My husband went, "Or..."

And I thought, "Oh, he's got a good logical brain.

He's thought of a third solution".

He said, "You could just wear the dungarees

but always carry a paintbrush with you".

I said, "Knowing my luck

people will just point and go, 'Look at that fat old lady

preparing the nursery for her unborn child'".

We're heading now for my favourite time of the day

which is bedtime.

Fucking love sleeping.

I don't however sleep naked.

Give me a "woo" if you do sleep naked?

[AUDIENCE]: Woo!

And if you don't?

[AUDIENCE]: Woo!

The main reason I don't sleep naked is

we've got a cat who's an arsehole.

And if your toes are popping out the end of the duvet

he will nibble on them.

Imagine what he'd do to me fanny, I'm not risking it.

Not risking it.

But a while ago, a friend of mine rang me one day

laughing, she was heavily pregnant at the time

she rang me to tell me

the hospital had been on the phone

and they said that when she came in to give birth

she was to bring a nightie

and she thought this was piss funny.

She said, "Who even wears nighties these days?"

And I didn't say anything, but I wanted to say...

[IN A DEEP VOICE]: me.

And then she said, "Where would you even

get a nightie from these days?"

And that's when I snapped and said, "Marks and Spencer's

you fucking idiot!"

But they told her to bring a button-down nightie

which makes sense for breastfeeding reasons.

I think that's just good advice for all of us, isn't it?

If your partner can rummage in the top

and then rummage underneath

you don't have to take the fucker off at all.

There are some health benefits to sleeping naked

let me tell you, there's three of them.

Let me talk you through them.

Number one, keeps your temperature down.

And I thought, well, so does sticking a leg out.

Number two, improves self-esteem.

That sounds like a load of shit, doesn't it?

I don't think it would improve my self-esteem

if my husband rolled over to see me lying there

with a chin-full of tits.

At least in a nightie, they're contained, aren't they?

Instead, it looks like a carrier bag

full of bread buns.

And number three, keeps testicles cool.

That's mostly for the men that one, obviously.

Now, I've met... met!

I've met some testicles in my time.

Nice to meet you.

I've never met a cool one.

They've all got a degree of sort of tackiness, haven't they?

Like you're waiting for them to dry.

But I've got a nice tradition.

I like to get new pyjamas for Christmas.

Does anybody else do that?

[AUDIENCE CHEERS] - Yeah?

So, last November I went round various department stores

to have a look at what they had by way of new stock

in the pyjama department.

It wasn't great, if I'm honest.

I would say half of them were fleecy.

[AUDIENCE MURMURS] - [SARAH LAUGHS]

That's the noise that women make

when parts of them are hotter than the sun.

Nobody wants thrush for Santa coming, do they? No.

The other half had slogans across here.

I'm 47, fuck off with your slogans.

I saw two slogans, one said, "It's Prosecco o'clock"

which I don't know if you know, it's not an actual time.

It's just a fancy term for alcoholism.

And the other one said, "There's always time for brunch!"

And there's not, is there? Sometimes it's just you

and some Weetabix and it's pretty fucking sad.

I thought, "If they want slogans

why don't they have realistic slogans?"

So I had a think, and I've come up with three ideas.

I am going to pitch them to the department stores

but I wanted to run them by you first.

Is that alright?

[AUDIENCE]: Yes. - OK. So, here we go.

Three realistic slogans for pyjama tops. Here we go.

Number one, "Don't come too close

I've worn these as clothes for four days".

Like that one? Like that one.

Number two, "That's not a pattern. It's tomato soup".

And number three, "If I'm honest

the top smells better than the bottoms".

[SARAH GIGGLES]

I will pitch them to the department stores

and I'll let you know how I get on.

I'm quite a clumsy person, by nature.

I've fallen over, substantially

three times in the last few years.

First time I fell over, I hurt my knee.

Now a problem that exists when you are not skinny

is trying to convince someone that a part of you is swollen.

I said to my friend, I said, "Look at my knee.

Look, I hurt it, it's all swollen".

She said, "Is it?"

And then she said, "Did you fall on your other knee as well?"

Fuck off!

Second time I fell, I fell face front.

Now, if you've ever fallen face front

you'll know there's a degree of slow motion

about a fall like that. It's a little bit...

[IMITATING SLOW MOTION]: Nooo!

The whole time all I could think of was

"Don't smash your glasses! Don't smash your glasses!"

Glasses are fucking expensive.

Miraculously, even though I fell face front

I did not smash my glasses.

And that's because I was saved by my tits.

My husband who saw it happen, said I was lying there

with my hands slightly up, my feet slightly up.

He said, "It looked a little bit like you were skydiving".

Third time I fell, I hurt my wrist and my hand.

It didn't heal itself properly, so I had to go

and see a physiotherapist.

And the physiotherapist said to me

"Can you tell me what activities you're doing

when it hurts the most?"

No.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS] - [SHE MOUTHS]

And then I thought, he's a medical professional

you have to tell the truth to a medical professionals

so I did tell the truth in the end

and I said, "Mashing potatoes and wanking".

It's the same motion, isn't it?

It's the same face.

Argh-ah-ah-ah-ah...

Aah-a!

Ah-ah-ah-ah...

[PITCH INCREASES]: Ah-ah-ah-ah...

[PITCH FALLS]: Ah-ah-ah-ah...

Something tells me quite a lot of you

have mashed potatoes in your time.

But the physiotherapist said

"I'm going to give you an exercise to do".

He said, "You won't believe me, but I promise it works.

But you won't believe me".

I said, "What's the exercise?"

He said, "Doing the dishes".

And I said, "What kind of Handmaid's Tale

bullshit is this?"

There was a curtain in his room you could get changed behind.

I lifted it up, fully expected to see my husband

just crouched down whispering

[IN A LOWER VOICE]: "Dishes, tell her dishes

and hand jobs".

I'm not gonna do the dishes

and deprive my husband of winning a crystal.

Are you mad?

Give me a "woo" if you've heard of the term

"the seven signs of ageing".

[AUDIENCE]: Woo! - Oh, that's quite a lot of you.

For those of you who haven't, let me tell you what they are.

The seven signs of ageing are this...

dark spots, wrinkles

saggy skin, dry skin

dull skin and visible pores.

And the reason they're all skin related

is because this is what we're told by skin-care companies.

This is not what my seven signs of ageing are.

I've written them down for you.

Let me tell you.

This is my seven signs of ageing.

Number one, you have more baths than showers

mostly because you got more time

but also because sometimes things need a steep.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Number two, the menopause, which mostly affects women

but can affect some men who live with the women

who are going through the menopause.

And to those men I say, "Boo-fucking-hoo!"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

One thing you might not know is

that before the menopause is something called

the "perimenopause"

and before that is the peri-perimenopause

where you still get the hot sweats

but they smell of lemon and herb.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Some of you are pretending you're too posh

for a Nando's joke

which is hilarious

given where we are.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS]

[SARAH GIGGLES]

Number three, your neck.

People look at your neck a lot more after you hit 40.

My neck is fine. Thanks very much.

All I have...

and it's nothing medical, it's nothing to worry about

is a line that goes across it from left to right.

What it looks like, it looks like

I was beheaded a long time ago

and it's healing really well.

The only trouble I ever get from my neck

is that every now and again, that line...

needs a little dust.

Number four, piles.

Give us a cheer. No, don't, don't.

I occasionally suffer from piles.

How I know they're bad is that my farts sound different.

Number five, you need a weekly tablet box.

Give me a "woo" if you, like me, use a weekly tablet box?

[AUDIENCE]: Woo! - Loads of you.

Sometimes it's the only way I know what day it is.

"Oh, Tuesday's tablets, must be fucking Tuesday".

When I collect my tablets from the chemist

they fill a shopping bag.

They fill a fucking shopping bag.

Now, the last time this happened

I bumped into a woman that I know

I'd call her a friend, but I wouldn't mean it.

We've all got those people, haven't we?

You know those people?

You don't remember how you got them in your life

so you don't know how to get fucking rid of them.

She's one of those.

She's not a nice lady. She makes me feel uncomfortable.

But I bumped into her, she pointed to my

thankfully unmarked, shopping bag

and she said, "Eee, have you been treating yourself?"

And I just said, "Yeah"

cos I thought, "What's the alternative?"

What I really want to say is, "Oh no.

In here are some anxiety meds

that make this fucking conversation bearable".

Also, if we do have any really young people in the room

a pillbox is not what you take to a nightclub.

Different thing.

Although, if you are in a nightclub

it's still important to take your meds, isn't it?

My thyroid's not going to start working

just cos I've had a Hooch, is it?

No.

Number six, your skin.

People look at your skin when you're born

and then nothing for 40 years

and then everybody's got a fucking opinion

about your skin.

A friend of mine said, "Your skin's nice".

I said, "Thank you".

She said, "Can I ask you a question"? I said, "Sure".

She said, "Do you use fillers"?

Now I'm about to tell you something

that you might find a little bit disappointing in me

because I said, "Yes, it's true, I do use fillers

but not the traditional kind.

I call them cakes and pies".

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Why put poison in your face

when you could put lovely things in your mouth?

I just don't understand the logic. I really don't.

I do like to buy skincare.

I refuse, however, to buy anything that calls itself

"anti-wrinkle"

because I myself am not anti-wrinkle.

I've got wrinkles. I'll get more, it's absolutely fine.

I'm not going to spend 30 quid on something

that reckons it stops fucking time.

I'm not doing that.

I buy moisturiser for the same reason we all buy moisturiser

because isn't it nice to feel

a little bit slippy before bedtime.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

The last time I bought skincare

the website I bought it from said

because you've spent over X amount of money

you're entitled to a free sample.

Choose one of the following things, we'll send it on.

Great, I love a freebie.

The one I chose, though, was purely out of curiosity

because it was called "Youth Serum"

and I thought, "What the fuck is youth serum?"

Are they going to send me the skin of a child

to lie over my own?

Then I thought, what if it looks like

teddy bear ham?

I fucking love teddy bear ham!

And then I thought, how youth are we talking?

Am I gonna get pulled over by the police

while I'm driving my car

and they're gonna go, "How are you driving this?"

And I'm going to go, "I'm 47

I'm just covered in teddy bear ham, look!"

But also, "Youth Serum", to me

sounds too much like teenage boys' jizz.

Urgh!

[IN A CROSS VOICE]: "Your sheets are covered in youth serum

Jamie, you dirty fucking bastard".

I imagine there's factories

just teenage lad lined up after teenage lad

cracking one out to a catalogue.

And number seven on my list of the seven signs of ageing

is fuck you, it's a privilege to get old

because not everybody gets the chance.

[AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS]

And I don't just mean people we've lost.

I also mean people like Madonna.

Stay with me. So...

Whenever Madonna pops up on my Instagram

I always feel bad for her. Poor Madonna.

Why isn't she allowed to get old?

Doesn't seem fair that we're all allowed to get old

and she isn't.

I would like to never see Madonna again

cos then I can imagine she's retired.

She's clocked off.

She's sitting on the sofa in, like, stained jogging bottoms

watching Escape to the Country, on a loop.

Maybe she pops to B&Q

and treats herself to one of those garden kneeler pads

you know the garden kneeler pads?

Doesn't even cross her mind she could use it for blowjobs.

Doesn't even cross her mind!

Cos she's retired.

She could hang her crucifix back up on the wall

instead of jamming it in her fanny

like she did when I saw her

at the Manchester arena that time.

I'm sure Jesus would be relieved.

And he's been in some tough spots, as we know.

She could reappropriate her cone bra

for when people come round, turn it upside down

crisps in one, nuts in the other.

I think it might be because she's in America.

I think if she was over here, we'd treat her better.

I think if she was over here

the rest of her career would pan out as follows.

I think she'd do six months behind the bar at the Queen Vic

then she'd do a regional theatre tour of Calendar Girls

with two Loose Women and a Nolan.

And finally she would fuck a professional dancer.

Sorry. Do Strictly.

You do, you do have to spare a thought for the people

who aren't allowed to get old.

I, for one, can't wait to let myself go...

a bit more.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

But we all started buying stuff online, didn't we?

One of the things I had to start buying online

was sanitary towels.

Give me a "woo" if you're more of a tampon kind of gal?

[SOME WOMEN]: Woo! - Yeah.

Anybody like a sanitary towel?

[SOME WOMEN WHOOP]

Anybody favour a moon cup?

[WOMEN MURMUR] - Yeah, a couple of people.

I don't think my husband definitely knows

what moon cups are

cos I mentioned them to him and he went

♪ "Moon Cup dot com" ♪

It's not a really clever way they've found

if you've been able to send some menstrual blood

to your Auntie Jenny for her birthday.

"Ooh, look, it says you can personalise it.

Let's write 'Jenny' in all the clots".

[AUDIENCE GROANS AND LAUGHS]

[SARAH LAUGHS]

But I think we're loyal, aren't we?

We're loyal to brands that we like.

I could spot the kind of sanitary towel

I've always used at 100 yards in a Superdrug.

That's the sort of test you should be doing

at the fucking optician.

I'd have nailed that!

Do I know what they're called when I have to type them

into a computer? Do I shite.

I went on the Boots app

and I thought, "How many different kinds

of sanitary towels can there possibly be?"

Turns out a bazillion.

And they all have sort of key words on them

like "discreet"

"sensitive"

"pro-fresh"

"instant dry"

and "long", and I thought...

"Yes, I'll have all of those things, please".

Turns out it's very much an either/or situation.

I thought, who is choosing between these things?

"Would you like them to be discreet?"

"No, I don't mind if people can tell".

"Would you like them to be sensitive?"

"No, I don't mind if me fanny is red raw".

"Would you like them to be pro-fresh?"

"No, I don't mind if I smell of roadkill".

"Would you like them to be instant dry?"

"No, I prefer to be always wet.

I like to feel like I've either just pissed myself

or I'm super turned on".

"Would you like them to be long?"

"No, as long as it covers the..."

spout? I don't know what it's called.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

One thing I didn't know is

that sanitary towels are now sized

and I don't mean the size of the pad itself

I mean the size of the person wearing it.

I thought, "Oh my God...

we as women get judged on so many different things

and now I'm about to be judged on the size of me twat.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

It's just a matter of time before Grazia's telling us

what size twat is fashionable next spring.

But there is good news for the fatties amongst us

cos it is based solely on the size of your thigh gap.

Gap?

Gap?

Gap?

What fucking gap?

I've barely got a knee gap.

Although there was a moment fairly recently

when I thought I might actually have a thigh gap.

I walked past a mirror in bra and knickers

and there was a chink of light between my thighs

and I thought, "Fucking hell, I have got a thigh gap!"

On closer inspection

it was a bit of silver foil off a two-stick KitKat.

My thighs are flush against each other, as suspected.

I once caught a fork between my thighs in a restaurant.

Hu-argh!

I think whatever you've got down there

you shouldn't be judged on the size of it.

That's not fair, is it? Having said that...

you know how men with big dicks...

Give us a cheer! No, don't.

Don't!

You know how men with big dicks sometimes use lube?

Do men with small dicks use chalk?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

It's a good question, isn't it?

There was a man the other day said, "No, talc".

[SHE LAUGHS]

Genuinely wasn't expecting somebody to answer.

And also talc has a different image to me

cos talc's like that, where chalk...

Why am I thinking chalk like a fucking snooker cue?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

"Blow on that, will you, love, before we get cracking?

Just blow on it".

I always get annoyed by my period.

I've had period for over 30 years.

I've never wanted children, not a moment, not a flicker.

I'm sure a lot of you have got kids

you're having a great time and that's smashing for you.

It's not for me. It's not for me at all.

The best way I can describe how annoyed I get

every time my period starts is like this.

Imagine you've got a friend at work.

She's called Deborah. She's great.

Deborah's got a rabbit hutch

and every month she cleans it out.

Puts fresh bedding in, fresh water in the water bottle

fresh food in the food bowl, looks spotless. Amazing.

Spick and span.

And you say to her, "Deborah...

are you ever going to get a rabbit?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

And she goes, "Nah, I fucking hate them".

That's what periods are to me.

I feel like I'm making up the guest bedroom

for a visitor that will ruin my fucking life.

Enjoy your new baby, madam.

But I also have very heavy periods.

Not today. Not in any danger on the front there.

Huargh! Wouldn't do that to you.

I do have very heavy periods.

You know the old saying

"It's like trying to get blood out of a stone"?

I think they should update that.

I think it now should be

"Eee, it's like trying to get blood

out of a mattress topper".

"In a hotel".

I do have very heavy periods.

I feel like the beginning of my period...

It's quite tricky to explain this.

At the beginning of my period, it's a little bit like

my arse is in competition.

Oh, some of you already know what I mean. That's good.

That's helpful.

It's a little bit like my arse is going

"Oh, are we have a big clear-out?

I'll have a big clear-out as well, if that's alright?"

I feel at the beginning of my period

nothing could shock me.

Nothing could shock me.

If I turn round, looked down that toilet

there was a dead rat just floating...

I'd be like, "Sure, makes sense".

The cast of The Walking Dead, just climbing out.

The girl off The Ringpopping up over the side.

Sometimes I look down that toilet

looks like the first 20 minutes of Saving Private Ryan.

I did say there would be some upsetting scenes.

But I feel like the, um, the pre-sex routine

the preparation before sex, if you like

is very different for men as it is for women.

For example, the first thing I do is I put my sex glasses on.

They're varifocals.

So I can see what's going and what's coming.

Maybe you try an activity.

A friend of mine told me her and her partner

tried a bit of role play

where they pretended they'd never met before

to make it a bit sexier.

We've done a version of that.

We sometimes pretend we're people who aren't tired.

And he pretends I'm a woman who's shaved her legs.

I spend proper time on the preparation though, proper time.

One of the first things I do, is I hack it back.

Some of you know what I mean. Some of you aren't so sure.

If you're not sure what I mean

I'm sure you've seen a nature documentary

where somebody has to clear a path with a machete.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

It's a bit like that.

Can't always see what I'm doing down there

there's lots of boobs and bellies in the way.

Sometimes I set up a complicated system of mirrors.

Mostly I just do it by feel.

And they say childbirth is painful

and I'm sure it is, but it can't be as bad

as nipping a lip in your craft scissors.

Even now whenever I trim the fat off bacon, I get flashbacks.

I don't trim the fat off bacon!

I treat my pre-sex routine like I'm trying to sell a house.

Clear away excess foliage

Febreze the soft furnishings...

familiar bread smell...

yeast.

It's different for blokes, though, isn't it?

In my limited experience

straight men just wash their cocks.

That's it, isn't it? Just...

Not even always all of it, sometimes just the end part.

Of course, some of them have to wash all the chalk off.

Ah!

But I said to my husband, I said

"Horses do more than you".

He said, "What"?

I said, "Horses do more than you". It's true.

I've got a friend. She's got a horse.

Her horse has a special lady

who comes out just to wash his knob.

I mean, how do you get into that?

And by that, I don't mean...

[IN A LUSTFUL VOICE]: "How do you get into that?"

Also, how at the end of your tether

as a careers advisor are you

before you slam shut your folder and go

[IN A DEEP VOICE]: "How are you with horses' cocks"?

It's done for medical reasons, done for health reasons.

They do it because they have to clear out what are called

"smeg beans"...

[AUDIENCE GROANS]

...which are exactly what you think they are.

Don't they also sound a little bit like

something you could get from IKEA?

"I only went in for a nest of tables

came out with a massive bag of smeg beans".

I was trying to explain to my husband what they were

and I sort of nervously Googled it.

You know, Google has a habit of finishing

the rest of the search for you.

I typed in "smeg beans" and Google went

"smeg beans grinder", and I was like

"How bad are they that you have to grind them off?"

And then I realised it's a posh coffee machine, isn't it?

"Smeg beans grinder".

Ah!

Also explains why John Lewis had it

in four different colours.

When I had...

had a smear test before the first lockdown.

Not like my friend who had to have one during the lockdown.

She had awful trouble getting her fanny at the right angle

for the Zoom meeting.

And she had, as she told me

she'd let herself "flourish down there".

That's her words, not mine, she'd let herself flourish.

She said in order for them to see anything at all

she had to use a couple of scrunchies.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

I was very lucky, I had mine before the first lockdown.

Give me a "woo" if you've had a smear test

in the last three years?

[AUDIENCE]: Woo!

All very proud of ourselves, as we should be.

It's very important.

I made an appointment at the doctors, went along

to the doctor's surgery, went to the nurse's room

she pulled the curtain round, told me to get undressed.

All very normal so far.

I took off my trainers, my socks, my jeans, my knickers

there was a flicker of a second where I forgot where I was

I was quite tired that day

and I also took off my top and my bra.

I thought, I'm gonna have to really quickly

put these back on again or she's going to whip the curtain back

and think it's a date.

But as I was putting my top and my bra back on

she shouted over the top of the curtain

"What size speculum are you?"

And I thought, "Am I supposed to know that?"

I've got a horrible feeling

it's one of my security questions at the bank.

Cos I never know the answers to them, either.

I think we're all fairly worldly wise in this room here tonight

but if anybody genuinely doesn't know what a speculum is

the best way I can describe it to you, it's basically a carjack

but for fannies.

It's very much that bit.

It's not the bit where they go in with a spoon...

It's not a spoon, is it?

If she asked me what size spoon I was, I'd be like

"I'd like to think a table

but I've got a horrible feeling I'm a ladle".

I didn't know what size speculum I was.

I texted my husband cos I thought

"He's been down there a bit, he might have an idea".

He just sent back a picture of three of his fingers.

Or two, if you're a Polish handyman.

But after the smear test was over

I went into the reception area.

The lady on reception, as soon as she saw me approach

she said, "Well done".

And I thought that was lovely.

And I said as much. I said, "Thanks so much for saying that.

We all worry about these appointments

but they're over in seconds, only really a bit uncomfortable

and they're so important".

I said "I was worried about it, but I'm glad I've been.

Thanks so much for saying that. It means a lot to me".

She said, "What do you think I said"?

I said, "You said well done".

She said, "I said, all done."

Ah shit!

So I picked up my lolly and my sticker and I fucked off.

Actually, while I'm on this kind of subject

I've got something to tell you.

There's no comedy here, I need to tell you this, though.

I went for a mammogram. It was my first one.

It was routine, it was all clear.

The lady said to me, "Did you find

that it hurt very much?"

And I said, "No, it was just a bit uncomfortable really".

She said, "People always think that it hurts a lot

and it stops them from coming, and it's so important

that people come and get checked and get checked early".

She said, "Could you do me a favour?

And could you tell your friends?"

And I got home that night and I thought

"I think I can go one better than that"

and I can tell all of the glorious women

in my audiences every single night on tour

to get your tits checked, please.

No joke, just a fact.

It's not that bad, just get it done.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS]

But we all gained weight in the last few years. Yes?

[AUDIENCE]: Yeah. - Yeah.

I decided I wanted to try and lose a bit of weight

just the weight I gained in the lockdown

That was my plan, and most people

when they decide to lose weight

there's something that starts them off, spurs them on

kind of keeps them going.

Maybe there's a holiday photo

and they don't quite like how they look in it.

Or maybe they're sitting in a bath of gravy

and it's not even for Children in Need.

For me, it was when I sat on a public toilet

and the sanny bin opened and I hadn't asked it to.

"Did you want me?"

No, but my arse cheeks seem to disagree.

But I tried really hard. I tried really hard.

And I lost two stone. That's alright, isn't it?

I lost two stone. That's pretty good.

[AUDIENCE CHEERS] - Oh, that's very kind of you.

Thank you.

I say two stone, it was the same half a stone

four different times.

Nobody gives a shit

if you tell them you've lost half a stone.

Everybody knows it's just two big dinners

and a chocolate orange

and the fucker's back on again, isn't it?

But I've always had a belly

even when I was much, much slimmer.

I've always had a belly. I always get offended

when people think that this is pregnant

like I would ever let a pregnancy get this far!

No!

But I did a thing the January before last

that I think a lot of people do, especially in January

I downloaded a diet app.

Now, the phone I was using at the time was

a thumb-recognition phone.

It didn't immediately recognise my thumb.

It just kept juddering.

First of all, I thought my phone was just really clever

and it was like "It's a diet app.

We have clearly been stolen".

And then I looked at my thumb

and it was just covered in biscuit.

So I licked the biscuit off cos I thought

it might be my last biscuit in a while

and I downloaded the diet app.

What came with the diet app

was a WhatsApp group of other participants.

It was open to all, but my group happened to be all women

and it was so we could support each other

and help each other.

Everybody knows diets are hard, and a bit shit.

Also in the WhatsApp group was a nutritionist

who was no fun at all, it transpired.

One of the women asked a question of the rest of us

a perfectly reasonable question

especially on day one of a new diet.

She said, "I'm having trouble with my sweet craving.

Can anybody recommend something that isn't bad for me

but will help?"

And one of the other women responded almost immediately

and she said, "I usually find a mug of hot water

with one small drop of lemon works for me".

And I just thought

"I'm not going to make it to the end of the week".

My suggestion was going to be half a Twix.

Then the nutritionist, she was called Poppy

of course she fucking was...

she said, "Can I just chip in?"

And I misread it and I was like

"Chips! Hooray! Nom, nom, nom".

She said, "Just brush your teeth.

That fixes everything." I thought, that's so unhelpful.

The only thing that would help this hunger

if I could eat me fucking toothbrush

cos I'm so hungry right now.

You daft cow.

Cows... yum, yum, yum.

There were some recipes that came with the diet.

I tried one of them.

It was how to make banana pancakes

out of almost no ingredients.

The first time I tried them, just looked like vomit in a pan.

Second time managed to make them look a lot more like pancakes

and I was so excited

and a little bit light-headed from all of the hunger

that when I ran from the kitchen to show my husband

I tripped and the plate smashed on the floor

but because it was a really low point in the diet for me...

let's call it "day two"

I ate them off the floor!

Then I had to check to see if the fragments of plate

and cat hair I'd also ingested

counted as my sins for the week.

One of the women in the group got told off.

Told off, as an adult

got told off for eating goji berries.

If you've never had goji berries

it's like chewing elastic bands.

She got told off because goji berries are...

[IN A SMUG VOICE]: "...full of natural sugar

not really allowed on this plan".

She wasn't having Coco Pops

with cider poured on.

She was having goji berries on her Bran Flakes.

Some sad sprinkled on some more fucking sad.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

I got told off for calling it a diet.

What I actually said was, "I fucking hate this diet".

[IN A SMUG VOICE]: "We don't like to call it a diet.

We prefer to call it a way of life".

So I said, "I fucking hate this way of life!"

She was right, though

cos it was also my way of life

from the 3rd to the 5th of January.

But I started to ask questions.

You've got a nutritionist at your fingertips

why wouldn't you try and learn something?

I said, "I've got some questions for you, Poppy. Is that OK?"

She said, "Fire away, anything you like".

I said, "I've had a cherry

now, I thought it was OK cos it's fruit

but now I'm not too sure, it was on top of a Bakewell.

Is that OK?"

I've had an apple. Are apples full of natural sugar as well?

It was surrounded by something called...

What was it called?

Crumble, is that alright?

I've had a banana, are bananas allowed?

I mean, I ate it out of a strippers crotch.

Is that alright?

She said that was fine.

Then I explained it was covered in cream.

I think it was cream.

I couldn't be sure, it was dark.

[AUDIENCE GROANS] - [SARAH LAUGHS]

But the final straw for me on my last day on the diet

or day three

was when Poppy came on the WhatsApp group and she said

[IN A SMUG VOICE]: "Hey, girls"...

Which always pissed me off

because we're all women in our 40s and 50s.

Fuck off with your "girls".

[SMUG VOICE]: "Hey, girls, can I just check

if you all definitely challenged yourselves this week?"

And I was the first to respond, I said

"I've challenged myself, Poppy".

She said, "Oh good, please share it with a group".

I said, "Gladly".

I said, "I challenged myself"

I said "I walked into Asda.

I went to the 'whoops' section.

I found two Belgian buns

that had to be eaten by midnight

and I fucking did it!"

I was going to say, "And I'd do it again!"

But I have, several times over since then.

I've got a friend who's got really nice hands

and people often compliment her on her hands

and they say things like

"Haven't you got piano-player fingers?"

Which I think is such a weird thing to say to somebody.

Nobody ever looks at my hands and says

"Haven't you got tuba-player fingers?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Do you play the sausages?

Sometimes.

The only instrument I've ever been able to play

is the recorder.

Give me a "woo" if you learnt the recorder as a kid?

[AUDIENCE]: Woo!

I like the idea of the recorder

cos I think it's made to be so simple

you can decide if you want to pursue

other instruments off the back of it or not.

Can anybody shout out any of the songs

that they learnt on their recorder?

[AUDIENCE SHOUTS] - London's Burning?

Frère Jacques?What else?

Three Blind Mice.

Little? Little Donkey!

There was a lady the other day shouted out

[IN A POSH VOICE]: "Handel's Water Music".

Alright, fucking Cambridge!

I would like to say thank you to you glorious people

for coming and spending your evening with me

by playing some of those songs that you just shouted out.

Now, slight problem.

And I am genuinely embarrassed by this...

I'm putting it down to the fact that I've just had a break

off tour, I'm not quite back in the swing of things

but I forgot to bring my recorder.

Don't worry. I'm a professional.

I'm going to see if I can just busk it, without.

And so I heard Frère Jacques at the back there

Let's start with that one, um...

[SHE IMITATES A RECORDER]: ♪ Ho-ho-ho-ho ♪

♪ Ho-ho-ho-ho ♪

That's alright. That'll do, won't it?

Will that do? Yeah.

We had a London's Burning round the front as well.

Let's do that one, uh...

[SHE IMITATES A RECORDER]: ♪ Ho-ho ha-ha ♪

♪ Ho-ho ha-ha ♪

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

I think my favourite one will always be Three Blind Mice

cos I think it's the easiest.

I don't know, let's find out.

[SHE IMITATES A RECORDER]: ♪ Hee her hoo ♪

♪ Hee her hoo ♪ It's quite easy, isn't it?

♪ Hee her hoo! ♪ It's just a bit higher.

♪ Hee her hoo ♪ Same line again.

♪ Ho haa ha-ha-ho-ha haa ho-ho ♪

Fucking hell, that got hard very quickly.

The people right at the back upstairs

are like, "There's no way she hasn't got a recorder.

This sounds amazing".

I was in...

I was in Australia a few years ago

on my way back from Melbourne in quite a fancy airport lounge

and I went to the ladies' loos which were spotless and silent.

Now, as an IBS sufferer...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

a silent toilet is not my friend.

I'm seriously considering employing a man and a trumpet

to just follow me round.

It was spotless and silent.

I took from that at least there's nobody else in

and I did what could only be described

as thunderous diarrhoea.

The sort of shit you need a breather afterwards.

Which is exactly what I did.

I sat back, some would say slumped

against the toilet like it was a fucking armchair.

And that's when I heard

[IN AN AUSTRALIAN ACCENT]: Is everything OK?

Luckily I stayed quiet for long enough

to realise she was on her phone.

Can you imagine if I'd replied?

"Oh, I've just pebble dashed, but I've got wet wipes

don't worry about me".

But it reminded me of a time when I was in the car

with my sister. She was driving.

I was in the passenger seat.

She asked me a question.

While I was thinking of my response, I farted.

Because I have no thigh gap

it really has to force its way through.

It essentially sort of quacked its way to freedom.

And my sister went, "Exactly!"

And I don't know what she thinks I answered.

I've got one more thing to tell you, but before I do

I just want to thank you, I fucking love doing my job

and it's been an absolute pleasure

to do it for you guys tonight.

I'm so glad that you came

and were here for this recording.

[AUDIENCE CHEERS] - Thank you so much.

Thank you.

I tried in the lockdown, I think a lot of people were doing this

to eat a bit more healthily

I was trying occasionally

to make vegetables a bit more interesting.

And what I did, I bought myself a mandolin.

Now, to avoid the confusion, I do mean the vegetable slicer

not the musical instrument. I wasn't thinking

"You know what would jazz these carrots up?

If somebody's playing a lovely tune behind me in the kitchen".

The vegetable slicer, you will have seen them.

I ordered it. It arrived.

I threw away the instructions. How hard can it be?

I also genuinely threw away something called

a finger protector.

[AUDIENCE GROANS]

Turns out that bit was quite important

and I sliced the top of my finger off.

I took it in a bag of ice to the hospital.

That's what they do in the films, isn't it?

I took it in a bag of ice to the hospital.

It was perched on a slice of courgette.

Like a small pink frog on a lily pad.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

I handed it to the lovely nurse in A&E.

She took it off me, she looked puzzled.

I thought, "She's working out whether or not

we can reattach my finger end."

She studied it for way too long.

Then she turned back to me.

She still looked puzzled

and she went...

"What were you having for your tea"?

That was her confusion!

And then she just dropped it in the bin.

I said, "Are we not reattaching it"?

She said, "No, it'll grow back".

And I didn't believe her but it has.

It's my middle finger. It's not even a weird shape.

I mean, it grew back, how fucking Wolverine is that, eh?

I mean, I was trying to lose weight

just not fucking chunk by chunk.

And the only way I know it's not 100% normal is that

it's a little bit too sensitive

and it's a little bit too tingly.

For a while, I thought my clitoris had moved.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Ah!

Ah!

Ahhhh!

You guys have been amazing.

Thank you so much for coming. Lots of love.

[AUDIENCE CHEERS]

Thank you very much. Good night!