Original subtitles

Good evening.

- Hey. - Hi.

Oh, yes!

Let's go! Yes!

- Hell yeah! - Oh, good. here you are.

Right this way.

I've got Number One. We're traveling.

Wow, you look absolutely incredible.

I'm actually a really big fan.

You smell really good too.

Here... here's the stage.

Thank you everyone for coming.

We are so excited to welcome back...

Deborah Vance!

- That's it? - Our Deborah Vance

- slot machines are - Hey, Marty!

- Marty! Hey! - exclusive to the Palm Meadow

- and to Caesars. - Marty!

Where's Deborah?

Yeah, she's a little busy these days.

Deborah!

Deborah!

You've had such a year since that special came out.

What's next? Nobel Peace Prize?

It's such an ugly medal.

Gotta tell you, loved the Super Bowl commercial!

Oh, wasn't that fun?

And I actually do love Tostitos Scoops!

- Behind you... - Did you ever imagine

you were gonna be on the Time 100 list?

Yes!

I loved your special!

Loved your vaccine!

Deborah come to Brazil!

You know, I keep hearing that! You know, I will!

That's not real crab!

Yes!

Wait. Just so you know, I fucking hate your sister

and I wanna kill your sister for you.

You're adorable.

Oh, George, thanks for letting me get up here so last minute.

I'd bump anybody for you, baby.

- You gotta be kidding. - You're the best.

Plus, you got the biggest special in the world.

I'm so proud of you! You have no idea.

Thank you.

Thank you so much. Thank you, thank you.

This is so intimate...

I... no really.

I haven't... I haven't played a room this small for a while, so...

Anyway, thanks in advance for being kind.

I'm working out some new material, so...

It might be a little rough.

Why are you laughing?

Anyway...

You know I... I was... out walking my two corgis the other day...

That's not the joke.

What?

You don't see it?

The strawberries are with the Waterford crystal

the cacti are with the penguins

and the corn cobs are nowhere near each other!

It's chaos!

She's obviously not sleeping again.

I might have to slip Ambien in her Coq au vin.

- Good morning! - Hey!

You look gorgeous!

Your stylist is in the living room.

- Good. - And actually, while I have you

we need to go over a few things for the collection.

Sure.

- It's not good. - For the DV baseball caps

we wanted to feature one with text.

The designer suggested "FABULOUS" on the acid wash denim?

Oh, that's so tacky.

Let's do "CHIC" on the leopard print hearts.

Perfect. I'll see you at the office.

Hello, hello.

Oh, hi!

So, we have some incredible options for the award presentation.

Everybody sent looks.

Celine, Fendi, Dolce...

Oh, the other day somebody told me Dolce is extremely problematic.

Okay, no Dolce.

We love a woke queen!

Oh, I didn't say I wouldn't wear it.

I'm just telling you an annoying part of my week.

Oh, hilarious.

I love that one...

But also, no, you know?

You know, these are all lovely...

but nothing's really...

speaking to me, you know? I just...

I think I might have something better in my closet.

Holy fuck!

I'm thinking floor length

so let's go to evening gowns...

Alaia, no...

Ann Demeulemeester, maybe...

Alexander McQueen, no...

Let's see...

Yeah, the '80s were good to me.

Let's see...

No.

No.

Predictable. No.

Yeah.

Okay, here it is!

What do you think?

Okay, honey, this is it!

I'm not so sure now, I...

Trust your gut. It's so bright, so bold, it'll make a splash.

Really?

- Love. - Obsessed.

- Can you zip me? - Yeah.

It was actually custom-made for me.

I never got to actually wear it to the event though

'cause Polanski fled.

Actually, it... it just won't close.

But you know, did you drink any seltzer today

because I read this website one time

that seltzer can make you bloat and it definitely

- It's okay! It's okay. - could be the seltzer!

I just need to lose a little bit of weight.

I got two weeks. I can... I can make it fit.

How do these walk?

- No words! - Oh, my god!

You better walk!

Yes, yes!

Yay, my Botox settled.

Mine didn't. I'm gonna sue Getty images.

Oh, stop.

Disgusting.

Hey. Ava said she had to work tonight

so she might still be working.

- Okay. - FYI.

Ava?

Ava?

Ava!

Shit. I'm sorry!

Sorry. I was...

I was, chopping the blocks as they were flying towards me

and they get louder as they gather in power!

Wussup, you guys?

- Hi. - Hey.

Hey, why don't you guys head to the back

and... and we'll meet you in a second, it's... its...

- Sure. - Over that way.

You... You know you could've told me

you didn't wanna come to the premiere.

No, I swear to God I worked!

I had to read, like, 500 pages of fucking research

on how the coral reefs are collapsing

and it was so depressing

that I literally had to escape to an alternate reality.

- Hi. - Hi.

Did I look dorky?

No. Not at all.

- Really? - No.

Really sexy.

Oh, my god.

Fuck! Shit! Oh, my god.

I'm sorry, you guys.

I'm gonna have to call this in!

You can wait here, or you can walk to the next stop.

- I'm so sorry! - What the hell is wrong with you?

- I was distracted... - I'm gonna be late for work now!

- Fuck you! - I'm... I'm hearing you

and also I wanna commend you for using mass transit!

What? You're a piece of shit, okay?

Sorry, I'm... I'm just gonna go wait in my car!

- Don't leave the scene either! - I won't!

Sorry.

Hi, Lewis, sorry.

I'm... I'm almost done with the... a new draft.

Sorry it's late... I... this morning...

No worries. It's not why I'm here.

So, the good news...

Good news is that the story on the Heat Dome...

- is turning out great. - Great.

Bad news is that Josh is stuck in Arizona.

All flights have been cancelled

'cause the tires have melted to the tarmac.

Again.

So he won't make it to Montreal for the panel with me this weekend.

Do you think you might wanna take his place?

Go instead?

Yeah, I... I would love to!

- Yeah? - Thank you.

Great, I'll have Gretchen send you the information.

- Yeah. - It's gonna be fun.

- Okay, thanks. - Right, bye.

Back to work.

Sorry it's so last minute.

Oh, my god, it's totally fine.

It's so awesome he asked.

I know, right?

There were so many other writers

he could've asked who have been there longer.

But he asked you.

Plus, I have fight choreo all weekend.

Apparently, there's like a whole episode

that's just one epic fight scene

where I realize my powers as Wolf Girl during the fight.

Oh, my god. Of course, the female protagonist doesn't know

what's going on with her own body.

Actually, it's like a metaphor

for how society views female anger as unpalatable.

Oh, that's really good then.

Do you need me to pick up your car while you're gone?

Oh, thank you, but I guess it's gonna be a while.

I hope that guy's paying for it since he hit you.

Yeah for sure, he will.

BMW drivers, such dickheads!

Zoom zoomin' around. You know?

Hey, do you know where my collapsible water bottle is?

Oh, yeah, I'll check the dishwasher.

Thank you.

Oh, my god!

Could you have driven any slower!

We missed three shows already!

Yeah, well that was harrowing!

Why would you rent a $300,000 car

in a new city with French road signs?

Because JFL is the comedy industry event of the year, Jimmy!

Deborah's doing amazing. I want people to know

we're doing amazing, too!

It's all about peacockin', baby!

No, it's not. Reps come to this festival...

To cheat on their wives.

Sure, but we are here to see fresh, interesting new voices, okay?

Stop stressing.

Mi trust fund es su trust fund.

Just charge it.

Thank you, she has a huge bag in the back.

And also, it's very sensitive. Be careful on the gas.

Hey, Jimmy! Kayla!

Hey, guys. What's up?

Surprised to see you two here.

You know this is new faces, not old faces, right?

Very funny, just so you know

we have a diverse roster of clients of every age.

Yeah, I saw you just signed Valerie Bertinelli.

Yeah, we did, huge get, lot of people wanted Valerie

- but we got her, so... - And guess what?

We only represent Valerie Bertinelli's

non-cooking appearances

so you actually fuckin' don't know what you're talking about, Dan.

Whatever, we gotta go.

Hey, good luck this winter

a bad flu season could knock out your whole roster.

Oh, shut the fuck up, okay?

Great to see you guys.

Maybe I'll see you around?

- Yeah. - Silas?

I just drove a Lambo by the way, just now!

Congrats!

And he did a good job driving around!

It's so '80s in here.

Oh, is that true? Is it the birds?

- Well, I don't know, I just... - Hey! Logan and Mirya, right?

Ava, from the Ice Age roundtable?

Oh, hey!

You guys were so fucking funny at that.

Oh, my god. No, you were!

Seriously, we were talkin' about it.

Oh, that's so nice of you to say.

I was a little nervous

'cause I'm not super familiar with the universe.

Oh, who cares?

Sorry, are you wearing Black Pashmina?

Yeah, my boss says I don't process onions well

so she gave me a bottle to wear every time I'm around her

- but it... it's fine. - Yeah, it stinks.

Are y...

Are you working for Deborah Vance?

Yeah.

Yeah, we've been writing for her for like a few months.

Yeah, she... she's winning Comedy Special of the year.

- She's here? - Yeah.

Do you know if her manager is here too?

And then I asked myself you know

"Do I even wanna date a male model at this point in my life?"

- And the answer was yeah, I do. - Okay, Kayla.

Who are those Latitude douchebags talking to?

- The best! - Oh, Clive somebody...

Yeah that's one of the shows that we missed on stage four.

Apparently, he's the toast of the town.

- What up, bro... - Okay, okay!

Okay, we gotta meet that guy. We are gonna sign him

before Latitude does.

Okay. There we go. We got a live one.

I'll do some recon. After I hit the little ladies room.

Do you happen to have a tampon?

Why would I?

I don't know, Jimmy.

Hey!

- Deborah's here? - You're here?

Yeah, Lewis asked me to join the panel last minute.

Oh, my god. Ava, that's huge. That's awesome.

And she hired new writers?

You know what, she hired two.

Which is actually a compliment, isn't it?

She had to replace you with two people.

Also, you look great.

I like this blazer. Very writer.

I'm not ready to see her.

Ava!

That doesn't matter at all.

- Hey! - Holy shit! That's Winnie Landell.

- Who? - The head of your network.

Introduce me. Be charming. Come on.

Fifteen people. None of them liked him.

- I agree. - Well, I don't think she's funny.

- Hi. - Ava, this is Winnie Landell.

She gave me my job, so by proxy, she gave you yours.

What are you?

Mostly Irish, little Scottish...

No... I mean, agent? Or stand up?

- Oh, no, I'm a writer. - Of course, you are.

Actually, she's my favorite writer.

Keep it on the down-low.

Hi, Lewis, Winnie.

I am Jimmy LuSaque, Jr. I'm Ava's manager

and a huge fan of yours.

Everything you've done at the network...

- You Jimmy LuSaque's kid? - Yes.

I knew him. I fucked him once.

After the divorce.

Mine not his.

I don't know, maybe his. We didn't talk much.

What year?

Have you seen the spicy tuna guy?

- No. - No.

Was it post-'96?

So Winnie and I are headed to dinner

and then after we're gonna go to Seth and Evan's party.

- Do you wanna go to that? - Yes.

Yeah.

Hey, hey! Spicy tuna!

- Okay, I'll see you there? - Okay.

Okay, all right.

Wow. Blunt. You okay?

Yeah, yeah, I'm sure it was after the divorce.

So, do you think that was an invitation

for both of us or just you?

I don't know, I'll f... I'll find out.

I literally sweat through my shirt when I heard about Deborah

so I gotta change if I'm going to this party.

Okay, text me, all right?

Oh, sorry, can you hold the door?

Sorry, thank you.

Wha...

- Wow! Oh, my god, Deborah, hi! - Hi!

I had no idea you were here!

Give me a hug!

Well it's a... it's an honor to be in the presence

of Supreme street wear royalty.

Congrats on everything. It's been really cool to see it all.

From afar, obviously.

- It's been a good year. - Yeah.

- How you doin'? - Good. Real good.

Really... really good.

So, doin' good, yeah.

You look well.

Thanks.

And you look... the same.

That's the goal.

- So, what are you up... - I'm headed to a really cool party!

I'm on my way right now.

It's on the rooftop.

Fabulous!

Oh, shoot, that's me.

It's good to see you!

Have fun!

Okay.

I "look well"?

You got nothing on my new haircut?

You're not gonna say I look like a little page boy or something?

No, I just thought maybe you'd put a child's wig on backwards.

There we go. Thank you.

Can I start on the blazer now?

Sorry, is that the Tom Cruise coconut cake?

- How did you know that? - It's a famous cake!

Every Christmas he sends one to his entire contact list.

I've read about it for years!

Kirsten Dunst said it was one of the best cakes she's ever had.

And she was in Marie Antoinette!

Well, I guess Tom just saw the special, and he loved it.

That's cool.

How is it?

Fantastic, I was very funny.

I mean the cake!

Oh, I'm off sugar now.

So...

No one's eatin' the Tom Cruise coconut cake?

- Would you like try it? - Yeah, for sure, thank you.

Love that.

I just wanna say, for the record, I'm not a Tom Cruise guy

and I actually think leading man culture is really toxic

but I do wanna see what this tastes like

strictly from an anthropological standpoint.

Sure.

Yup.

Yup.

That is fuckin' good.

You seriously aren't even gonna have any?

No, I have to fit into a dress that I have to wear tomorrow night.

So if I even have a bite of something sweet, I'll crave it.

I can't even look at a peach.

Very you, all or nothing.

So I met your new writers.

How are they?

They're very good joke writers.

So, what are you doing here at the festival?

Oh, well, I've actually been writing

on that very prestigious show, On the Contrary?

Oh, that's incredible. Congratulations!

Have you seen it?

I've seen clips.

Yeah.

It's really good, really popular, really award-winning.

So, yeah, I'm here to represent the show on a panel tomorrow.

"Changing the World With Laughter?

Yeah.

So I don't know, I'm just bummed

'cause I wish my girlfriend Ruby, the hot actress, was here.

She's stuck in LA filming for this DC show she's in.

It's called Wolf Girl. She's the lead...

The titular Wolf Girl.

So...

It's top secret, though. Don't tell anybody.

That your girlfriend's a dog?

I think you're the one that should stop talking about it.

Yeah, we just... we just moved in together.

Gorgeous house. You know, natural light.

Like everywhere. Vaulted ceilings.

Sounds lovely. Good view?

- Gorgeous. - Well, that's good.

I'm really happy for you.

Well, I should get going. Thanks for the cake.

Enjoy Montreal.

Oh, I won't.

It's Paris in the ears but Hartford on the eyes.

Is that the dress you're trying to fit into for tomorrow?

Isn't it gorgeous?

No. It's literally the most hideous dress

I've ever seen in my entire life.

It's Bill Blass couture! It's one of a kind!

Well, thank God there's only one of those.

Okay, you're insane!

I mean look at this!

I am. That's the problem.

It's gorgeous! I... I mean the kremlin detailing alone!

Lady, I don't know what to tell you, okay?

It's fugly ass. It's giving Big Bird.

Oh, my god!

You know nothing about fashion!

You dress like you're about to have lunch on a steel girder!

Hey, whatever, you can wear whatever you want.

Yeah, I know I can, and I will.

You know it's just sad that you're so wrong about this.

I mean, everybody loves this dress.

Damien, Marcus, my stylist, all of her assistants.

Everyone on your payroll?

Okay, all right. I'm gonna prove you wrong.

Hi. Could you please send up the bellhop?

A gay one?

Oh, my god!

Thank you.

You're insane.

We'll see.

Oh, my god! I can't believe sneaking up the stairs worked.

Crashing a party is big Lambo energy, Jimmy.

Yeah, well, we are fucking signing this guy.

There he is.

Okay, let's go.

- Oh, here we go. - Appreciate you. Thank you, thanks!

Hey! There he is the toast of the fest.

How are you? I'm Jimmy LuSaque, Jr., manager.

- Hi! - Kayla Schaeffer.

Cofounder and assistant to Jimmy.

Oh, nice to meet you guys.

You too. Dude, your show...

Unbelievable.

So good. I... I can't even talk about it!

- Don't want to! - And we were there!

That's very nice, I... I appreciate that, thank you.

Look, I'm not gonna bullshit you with small talk.

- I'd love to sign you. - And that's a huge deal.

You can go with a bigger firm if you want

but we come from a place like that, and I can tell you firsthand

they will not treat you with the same kind of care

and attention that we can.

We are really good at developing long-term strategy for our clients.

We're very thoughtful and we wanna create

a five-year and a ten-year plan for you.

Okay!

You guys really think I can make it?

Oh, we know it.

Man, I appreciate that.

I do 'cause...

I mean, I've been talking to some of the other reps

and they've been you know, hesitant.

- Well, they're idiots, okay? - Fucking losers!

- We represent Deborah Vance. - Total icon.

Between us, she is 70...

and doing better than ever, okay?

That's gonna be you when you're that age.

Man, your optimism is...

it's so inspiring!

- I'm in! - Yeah!

- Let's do it! - Well, all right, hey!

Welcome to la familia!

All right, dude, we're gonna get celebratory drinks, okay?

Okay, I shouldn't, but...

- Yeah all right! Let's do it! Okay! - Do it!

- Get in the bathroom. - What? Why?

Because I don't want you influencing him!

- Go! - Fine.

- Hi. - I need the cash up front

my pants stay on. Where is he?

Oh, my god! No...

No, I just had a quick question for you.

- Come on in. Yeah. - Amazing.

Not in the mood.

Okay, this dress.

What do you think?

Why... why are you asking me?

- Did you, like, did you work on it? - Just...

Nope, nope. I just wanna know honestly, what you think.

Honest opinion.

- It's weird. Is that... - Okay?

- Yeah, I think... - One might say like, it's ugly?

It's really ugly. I would say it's really ugly.

Hey! Okay, that was a very leading line of questioning!

This dress is gorgeous! It was custom-made for me.

Oh... On... on you? You would wear it?

I actually think then that could be fierce, actually!

I mean and it could be a slay even!

You're like my... my queen.

- You can go. - Oh, hold on.

I was imagining it on her. You have to understand.

- Wha... - There you go. Thank you so much.

She... she tricked me.

I don't even think he's gay.

You really shouldn't assume someone's sexual orientation

but he absolutely was.

Well if he's gay with an ass like that

he's got worse problems than my assumption.

- Deborah! - Well, I mean...

He didn't say he was gay!

Not everyone walks around announcing their sexual orientation.

Well, that's what I thought till I met you!

I'm gonna have another drink. You want one before you go?

Sure. Just one.

I didn't tell him.

Well... Latitude boys.

We're just having celebratory drinks

because we just signed Clive Matthews!

It's gotta burn, huh?

I mean, not really...

We weren't gonna sign him.

Why not? His show is, like, the show of the festival...

Everybody's talking about it and we got there first.

Did you even see it?

The guy's got three months to live.

Yeah, he's terminal.

It's really sad.

Oh, my god, it wasn't on stage four, it's called stage four.

Wait, what? What does he have?

- Ligma. - "Ligma"?

Yeah, ligma balls.

Oh, my god!

Shut up.

Are you guys... are you doing a bit?

- Is really sick? - He is.

It sucks. Beautiful show, though.

No, it's true.

He has bofa.

- Bofa deez nuts! - Oh, my god!

Get the fuck outta my fucking face!

- I'm rooting for him. - Get outta here, Silas, please.

Silas is up your ass! It's sending chills down my spine.

Get over the Silas thing, please, okay?

We have bigger problems.

And no more signing fresh young talent, all right?

Let's just stick with the clients we have

and do right by them.

Should I set that meeting with Vanna White?

She wants to do a musical.

Yes.

Hey, Clive! Looking good, brother!

Healthy as a dog!

- I told him no! - Why not?

Because I didn't wanna get herpes!

I mean, a cold sore on top of filler is a nightmare.

So, it seems like you're havin' fun.

How could I not be?

I'm selling out bigger venues than ever.

Strangers pay for my meals.

My commercial quote is astronomical now.

Oh, good, I was gonna ask about your commercial quote.

It's astronomical.

You and your scribes workin' on new material?

No, not really.

It... it's weird I have so much goodwill from the special

that the audience laughs at practically anything I say.

- And you hate that. - Well...

Oh, come on, you hate it.

You need a challenge!

That's why you're tryna crash diet your way into that hideous dress.

I mean, how many other amazing dresses

could you look incredible in right now?

- Billions. - Exactly!

You're creating obstacles for yourself.

Maybe.

Oh, while you're here, while you're here.

For my speech tomorrow night...

Did I ever tell you that story

about how I was potty training DJ

and a cat at the same time?

It wasn't a competition, but the cat won.

Would this joke be funnier ending with "shitter" or "toilet"?

I... I don't know.

Which is funnier? "Shitter" or "toilet"?

Yeah, I'm... I'm not sure.

Well just think about it. What's your opinion?

Not really my department.

Well, yeah, kinda is, you're a comedy writer...

Yeah, but not for you.

You fired me. I don't work for you anymore.

Okay, as a friend.

A friend?

If I'm your friend then why haven't you texted me back

in like nine fucking months?

I guess I was busy.

Yeah, I've been busy too.

That's not an excuse to just never respond

especially to objectively funny memes!

Oh, you mean the yellow guy in the bush?

Oh, my god!

It's Homer Simpson! Show some respect!

Look, I apologize for some unanswered texts

but that was kind of the whole point of you going out on your own.

And it worked, I mean

you're changing the world with laughter!

Okay, but why did you have to cut me out cold turkey?

To teach me some kind of a lesson?

What are you, Mr. Miyagi and I'm the Karate Kid?

Well, it wouldn't kill you to learn how to wear a belt.

Don't make jokes.

I... I had to go to couples therapy

'cause my girlfriend was so sick of me talking about it.

You ignoring me really hurt my feelings.

Some things are better with a clean break.

Maybe for you.

But did you even think about how that would make me feel?

Did you think about me at all?

You know, I... I didn't deserve to be cut out like that, okay?

I'm not your sister. I'm not Joy Behar.

Someone had too much sugar.

Oh, my god! What is wrong with you?

I do not miss this bullshit!

In fact, why am I even here?

I'm supposed to be at a cool party.

You know what? Congrats on your fuckin' award, Deborah.

I'll see you.

Jesus Christ.

And also from the Peabody award-winning

On The Contrary With Lewis Benton.

Please welcome, Ava Daniels!

It was just this stupid one-line joke

but at the same time it did speak to the massive injustice

in the Fintech sector that did affect change

and that felt really, really cool.

Absolutely, absolutely.

Well, we're gonna use our last 15 minutes here

to take some questions from the audience.

Yes, you in the striped shirt.

Hi! My question is for Ava.

Oh, no.

No, I'm... I'm just kidding. Go ahead.

So, you have my dream job.

Not to be a downer

but I feel like I've been working at this for a while now

and I'm just starting to doubt

that I'm gonna get the jobs that I actually want

so I guess I'm just wondering

if you have any advice

for someone who feels like it just might be too hard.

Well, I guess I'd say...

You just gotta take a ton of shots on goal, you know?

Just keep tryin', keep at it, and...

one of those shots is gonna get in.

Thank you.

Okay, the gentlemen in the back with the red shirt...

Actually, sorry.

What... what you were saying about it being hard...

It is really, really hard.

And to be honest, that doesn't ever change, you know?

You... You gotta scratch and claw

and it doesn't get better.

It just gets harder.

But the scratch in the very beginning is the fun part.

It's the good part.

And you know, I hope you get every job that you want

but just try to enjoy where you're at right now

'cause...

you'll miss it...

and you can never go back.

Thank you.

Winner of Comedy Special of the Year for My Bad.

Miss Deborah Vance!

Oh, sorry. I was looking for someone.

They checked out.

Oh, thank you.