All language subtitles for How.To.with.John.Wilson.S01E01.WEBRip.x264-ION10.eng

Hey, New York.

There are countless opportunities
to make small talk in a big city.

Even though some people seem
to avoid it at all costs.

Small talk is the glue
that binds us all together

and the armor that shields us
from each other's darkest thoughts.

It's useful when you meet up
with a friend...

Go on a date...

Or try to start
a professional relationship.

Failing to know how to engage properly

could condemn you to a life
of social alienation.

But it can be extremely rewarding
if you know how to do it right.

So instead of making people take on the
full weight of all your problems,

stick with me, and I'll make sure

that every talk you have
from here on out is small talk.

HOW TO MAKE SMALL TALK

A nice way to begin
is by leaving your apartment

and trying to find someone
who is willing to talk to you.

Thankfully, New York is filled
with friendly people,

so this should be easy.

One of the main functions of small talk
is to fill space

with polite conversation
until you can be alone again.

So, make sure to only talk about stuff
from your everyday life

that anyone can relate
to and forget about easily.

You can talk about
how nice the weather is.

But just make sure that
you never mention climate change.

You can talk about what's on TV,

but make sure that you only
mention the nice stuff.

You can also talk about
the health of your plant,

but don't mention that it's
a painful reminder of your ex

who gave it to you
because she loved you,

even though you were
emotionally unavailable to her.

Pets are really good to talk about too.
You can always talk about pets.

But much like in real estate,

location is everything
when you're making small talk.

You could pose the same question
in two different environments

and receive wildly
different answers.

You could ask a question
to a philosopher...

Do you think mankind
is going to make a comeback ?

I hope so.

If we can survive the perils
of climate change, inequality,

and the fantastic weapons of destruction
we've created for ourselves.

But that same question might get a much
different answer at Wrestlemania.

Do you think mankind
is going to make a comeback ?

No, not today. He fell off
too many hell in the cells.

- Really ?
- Yeah.

What about mankind in general ?

Mankind, like, the whole world ?

I mean it's not bad it could be better,
but I'm happy with my life, so.

What do you do ?

I catch child predators.
If you wanna look me up,

it's Mr. 17540 on Facebook.
It's what I do in my spare time.

- You catch child predators ?
- Yes, I do.

- How ?
- I set up the stings online.

I Facebook live them
and I go and get them.

- Really ?
- Yes, sir.

At the end of our conversation,

the gentleman invited me to his
headquarters in Pennsylvania.

I figured I could learn something by
heading out there to see him in action.

So, what's going on today ?

Well, we're gonna go catch us
a predator today.

Yeah ? Do you have
something set up ?

Yeah, a guy's 28 years old,
he knows that I'm 15,

and told him to bring condoms, and
he's gonna try to meet me for sex.

Because his job involves keeping people
engaged for long periods of time,

I figured he would have some insight
into sustaining friendly conversations.

So, what are you saying
to this person right now ?

So, he just told me...

Like I said, I find these guys, look
at their profiles, ask them questions.

I said I liked his dogs, he said
"Thank you," then right away he says,

"It's a Norwegian Elkhound
and a Chocolate Lab,"

and "What are you doing on here then,"
because I told him I'm 15.

We'll tell him
I'm just looking for fun,

and that my grandma used
to have dogs like that.

- Your grandma had dogs like that ?
- No, hell no.

It seems like when
you're having small talk,

it's okay to lie if it helps you
avoid getting too personal

because that can be a real turn off.

I've had people just vent
their problems like

"My mother-in-law is in the hospital,"
or "My girlfriend just cheated on me,"

and those are the people that, I'm not
here for a conversation like that.

I just block them
and go to the next one.

But in the middle of our conversation,
his plans fell through.

Dammit !

He's saying he doesn't wanna do it, and
he's bailing out at the last second.

Like, the best I can say is,

"Okay, thanks for wasting my day.
I took school off today."

So, I guess try not to say too much,
or else you might scare someone away.

Because the more you talk to someone,
the harder it is to hide who you are.

I got a rug off Craigslist recently.
The ad said

there were a few blood stains on the
rug from a stress related incident.

But it was free.

When I got to the storage
space to pick it up,

instead of the small talk about
interior decorating that I expected,

the guy just spent the entire time
telling me about his divorce.

She had very good taste,
my ex-wife. Soon to be ex-wife.

She liked Prada, Givenchy,
and everything else.

And I fell for it.

It can be hard to keep
a conversation in a safe zone

when you're filled with so much pain.

My ex-wife demanded
I get rid of my shit.

But an expert small talker will know
how to suppress these emotions

and appear stable, no matter how much
pressure is building up inside.

For example, if you need
to retrieve a sweater from someone

that you used to date, start first
by sending them a text message.

And if you discover that
they had deleted your number,

just calmly remind them
of your name.

It might have been a while
since you've seen them,

so when you go to their
apartment to pick it up,

make sure to keep the conversation
light and focused on the sweater.

Which should be easy for you, because
before you stopped seeing each other,

she told you that you
were too closed off.

And when she brings up that she's dating
someone new, just wish her well...

And bike home
as quickly as possible.

If you do want to talk to someone
about your previous relationships,

you should only do it with your
really close friends,

who you can
call up anytime to reminisce.

I don't know if we've ever talked
about any of our ex's with each other.

Okay.

I don't know if you and I have ever,
bro-ed down like that.

I guess you don't always need
to talk about personal stuff

for someone to technically
be your friend.

And if you're not
a big talker in general,

you can use a popular technique called
baiting, to get people to talk to you.

Baiting involves wearing or doing
something that will invite conversation.

This could be a fashion choice,
or a method of transportation.

The way you move, the way you eat.

A new haircut is good bait.
Or you can just dress like a hose.

Wearing a band t-shirt
is a popular way

to get someone to talk
to you in public.

But if you can't afford to go
to a blue chip concert

you can always go see a cover band

that has a name that's similar
to a real band.

Once you've seen enough, sprint over to
the merch table to beat the crowd...

And pick out the boldest apparel
that you can afford.

Then you're gonna go to the tallest
elevator in your city,

and it won't be long
until someone takes the bait

and starts a conversation with you.

- Red Hot Chilli Pipers ?
- Have you ever heard of them ?

No, are they, like, bagpipers or ?

Yeah, they're bagpipers,
they're a bagpipe cover band.

Really ? Cool !

Once you have enough
small talk with someone,

you will eventually become
an acquaintance.

To be a successful acquaintance,

you will need to have broad
interests and relatable flaws.

And no matter how awful
your life currently is,

you can never reveal this
to another acquaintance.

So it requires a bit of camouflage.

You want to seem like someone
who is busy, but also likes to relax.

That's why going on vacation

will give you enough ammunition
for years-worth of encounters.

So, go to a travel agency and ask what
the most popular destinations are...

I can send you to Punta Cana,
Cancun, Jamaica.

Any of those places
will be my places to go to.

- Cancun ?
- Cancun sounds good.

It's just one person in the room ?

Or are you going to be sharing
the room with someone else ?

- No, it's just me.
- Okay.

And if your travel agent
starts talking about relationships,

don't reciprocate and just wait
for the transaction to complete.

- 86 ?
- Yeah.

I got married in that year.
Don't wanna remember that too much.

- I was married for 20 years.
- Okay.

Relationships, they start, they end.

So, I think love cannot be forever.

Relationships are not forever,
and I'm okay with it.

If I find someone else,
great, I'm not looking.

But if he comes along, let's see who
can deal with me. I'm not that easy.

But would I marry the same type
of person again ? No.

But at that point, I wanted to ?
Yes. Did I have fun ? Yes.

Could I have done better ? Yes.
But that's what's coming next.

So let's see what happens.
I'll let you know.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

- I appreciate it.
- No problem.

It's hard to understand
why people decide

to tell you certain things
at certain times.

And you might end up
wondering what the deal is.

When someone opens up to you,

you might feel the need
to reciprocate out of politeness.

But this comes with a big risk
because an exchange of feelings

may cause you to be swept up
in a relationship

that you're not prepared for.

It's important to know how to navigate
the interaction back to calm waters.

We can learn a lot from people
that work at big retail stores.

They are specifically trained to stick
to a script, and as you can see,

any time the conversation
enters controversial territory

they will gently
pivot back to the sale.

How do you feel about kids
getting vaccinated ?

I mean,

that kinda has nothing to do
with helping you with an iPad,

so I don't need to give
my opinion on that.

Okay.

The President sucks.

The person you're shopping for,
do you know if they have a registry ?

I was looking for some kind
of suit for like a court date.

Cool. Are you a lawyer
or you're going to court ?

- I'm going to court.
- Okay.

For manslaughter.

So, here at Bergdorf,
our price range...

But unfortunately most of us don't
have the shield of a corporation

to help us shut people down.

So if you're in public with someone,

and a conversation enters
dangerous territory,

it seems like a quick touch
is a nice way

to let people know you've had enough.

Just touch and go.

Touch and go.

Even after you've touched it and go-ed,
your problems still might not be over.

So if you can't make it
into the subway,

just open up the closest door to you

and hope that there's something
better on the other side.

And once you've escaped,
you'll finally be alone.

This way, you can avoid having
a mild beef with anyone else.

No sharing, no talking,
no "Let's do this again."

Just you on your own terms,
on your own time,

and in your own world.

Because remember, sharing your most
intimate thoughts with someone

can be a disturbing
and messy experience.

You're trusting them to take on the
full weight of all your problems

and handle them with care.

And who knows what they'll do,
once they finally get home

and begin to run the forensics
on everything you said.

And even though an intimate connection
may look attractive out in the wild,

don't forget that the life
of a relationship

always seems to follow
the same pattern.

I was feeling a bit off lately,
but I couldn't quite pin down why.

Fortunately, a vacation is a great
way to take your mind off things.

And I had booked that
relaxing trip to Cancun.

And it was time to go.

It would be nice to get
some peace and quiet

away from all the people.

I had a really good feeling
about this trip.

I arrived late at night,

so after checking in,
I headed straight to my room.

The bed looked really comfortable which
was great, because I was here to relax.

The shower was okay too.

The next morning,
I got some breakfast,

and I was looking forward
to a relaxing afternoon by the pool.

That's when I discovered
that my supposedly serene,

all inclusive resort
was hosting MTV's Spring Break

during the entire week
that I was there.

This was a waking nightmare that seemed
to occupy every inch of the resort.

The rules of polite society
did not apply here.

People were jumping from
stranger to acquaintance

and back to stranger
within a matter of minutes.

And no one was wearing a shirt
I could comment on.

Their methods of communication
were incredibly advanced...

And dressing like a hose
was normal here.

These creatures were an evolved
species of social animal.

And everyone seemed to be praying
to a dark overlord named Pauly D.

His nightly sermons were mandatory,

and he seemed to cast a spell
over all the residents at the resort.

No one could escape his watchful eye.

He was the Pope of Spring Break,
and his rule was absolute.

Pauly D !

My room was starting
to feel a bit claustrophobic,

but I was afraid to go back
outside without a clear objective.

I figured I would have
to eat eventually.

So I got in line for what
I thought was one of the buffets.

But when I finally got to the front,

it turned out to be a rowdy concert
that was airing live on MTV.

As I started looking for a way out,

a young boy behind me
started showing me his condoms.

Then someone handed me
a bottle of piss,

which I immediately
threw to the ground.

Then the MTV crew
started pointing at me

and seemed very angry,
and I couldn't tell why.

You gotta stop turning around,
otherwise I have to move you.

Apparently, I was in every single shot

and ruining the entire broadcast
because I looked so distressed.

I was starting to wonder why I felt
so out of place here.

This event was a mecca
of superficial interactions.

But for some reason,
I just couldn't fit in.

That night, I met someone in the lobby
who had also come here by himself.

His name was Chris
and he wanted to sing for me.

Hit the throttle, black Monte
Carlo, paint dripping push it work.

Hit the pedal, push it to the metal,
cook it up, that's... Hold up.

He invited me back to his room
with a few others to hang out.

You gotta live how you wanna live.

And don't abide by the bullshit laws
that the world has, bro,

like, do what you wanna do,
life's too short.

All they wanted to talk about
was partying but...

I got the sense that we had more
in common than I initially thought.

Do you feel like you ever
have social anxiety ?

I really do have social anxiety probably
because I smoke too much weed.

Eventually I left,
and went back to my room

to watch a movie
before going to sleep.

The next morning I got up early
to beat the crowds

and I ran into Chris again.

He told me that he lost his bag
at the club last night

and he didn't have
his cell phone anymore.

Yeah, I lost my bag. At Coyote Loco.

- What were you doing ?
- Drinking I guess.

Why'd you come here alone ?

Why did I come alone ? I just wanted
to party, man. Wanted to fall in love.

Nah, I'm just joking.

At the end of our conversation,

I asked him if he wanted
to grab dinner with me.

But he said that his schedule
wouldn't permit it.

- I gotta go find my bag now, bro.
- Okay.

I was starting to have stomach pains
from the cuisine at the resort...

So I decided to head
to the hotel next door

to treat myself
to a fancy dinner for one.

The water there had
its own metal holder

so the waiter didn't have
to touch the bottle with his hands.

I felt like royalty.
But the whole dinner,

I couldn't stop thinking about
the empty seat right across from me.

The rest of the week,
I tried to make myself useful.

I watched some guys playing tennis
for little while

and tried to help out where I could.

But it seemed like everyone
already had their own group,

and they all seemed impenetrable.

- Hey, guys. Hey, how you doing ?
- Good. How are you ?

- Where are you going ?
- Back to our room, bro. Breakfast.

- Where's your room ?
- In the hotel.

How do you guys know each other ?

- Alright, I'm out. Fuck this.
- We go to school together.

Okay.

And then I spotted Chris again.

Chris !

- What are you doing ?
- No idea.

Beautiful Mexico.

What's the temperature
in New York right now ?

I don't know. 50 ?

- 50 ?
- Yeah.

- Fahrenheit ?
- Yeah.

They're gonna think
I'm a superstar now.

I'm just joking.

- I'm Pauly D's nephew.
- That's gotta be a hockey player.

Yeah, I'm a hockey player.

Typical girls man. Basic.

- Typical girls ?
- Typical females.

Like... What do you mean ?

Everybody's the same, nobody's real.

It's hard to even conversate
with anybody down here.

Why ?

Cause they're just too busy
and occupied about...

I don't really know man,
just being typical.

It seems like you were trying
to avoid me.

Today ? I was trying to avoid
everybody today, man.

It takes a toll on you down here.

- Was I making you uncomfortable ?
- No.

Well, actually, yeah. A little bit.

- Why was I making you uncomfortable ?
- Cause I didn't know what was...

I don't know. I can't explain it.

You live in a condo in New York
or is it a house ?

- No, I live in an apartment building.
- Nice.

With two ladies that live
underneath me.

- It's like a mother and daughter.
- That's sweet, nice.

- Who lives in your house ?
- Just me and my dog.

- You have a dog ?
- Yeah.

He's my best friend, man.

That's the truth.

I can't wait to see him
when I get home.

- What's his name ?
- Jack.

- Have you ever had a pet that died ?
- When I was a kid, yeah.

- What was that pet ?
- His name was Lucky.

He wasn't so lucky though.
He got hit by a car.

- He got hit by a car ?
- Yeah, I was a little boy, man.

I used to have a cat, when I was
growing up, called Fluffy.

- And she died.
- That sucks bro, that's what happens.

That's life though, unfortunately.

I also had a friend that died recently.

- He was in like, a car accident.
- That's terrible.

And, that was really hard.

Yeah, I feel your pain, trust me.

- Is this true ? Is this for real ?
- Yeah.

I'm sorry bro.

My friend just killed himself,
before I came here.

Before you came here ?

About 30 days before.

Probably low key,
why I'm out here, you know.

Whether I know it or not, I think
that the universe just put me here,

I don't really know. I feel like
I really needed to get away.

- That's really heavy.
- Yeah, it's brutal.

It's my first close friend
I ever really lost.

So, do you like New York ?

I returned to New York the next day.

And it was nice to be back
home in my element.

Although, I'm not sure I could ever
look at my city the same way again.

The world is full of people that need
to get something off their chest.

And even though it can be
risky to open up,

it's worth it when you find
the right person.

Otherwise, stuff will
just keep building up,

and you need to sift out
all that bad stuff once in a while.

And then you'll be in a better place.

And once you take care of that,

you'll finally be able to return
to a blissful world of small talk.

This is John Wilson.
Thanks for watching.