Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:01,168 --> 00:00:02,300
As we all know,
a certain someone
2
00:00:02,336 --> 00:00:04,570
Achieved a significant
milestone recently.
3
00:00:04,572 --> 00:00:06,305
-Keeran finally
shaved that unsettling
4
00:00:06,440 --> 00:00:08,306
Peach fuzz off his upper lip!
5
00:00:08,442 --> 00:00:09,441
-Oh!
-Wow.
6
00:00:09,576 --> 00:00:11,210
-As you can see, it's all gone!
7
00:00:11,345 --> 00:00:12,444
Cynthia: That's so much better.
8
00:00:12,579 --> 00:00:14,412
-Big day! Huge day!
-Thank you, thank you.
9
00:00:14,448 --> 00:00:17,315
-What I was gonna say is
our very own jen hauser
10
00:00:17,351 --> 00:00:19,184
Has qualified for
the upcoming olympics!
11
00:00:19,253 --> 00:00:20,652
-Oh, yeah.
-Oh!
12
00:00:21,989 --> 00:00:23,088
Cynthia: Wow.
13
00:00:23,090 --> 00:00:24,857
-Feels like it got
a little overshadowed,
14
00:00:24,992 --> 00:00:25,991
But, uh, thank you!
15
00:00:26,060 --> 00:00:27,459
Dj: In honour of
your javelin journey,
16
00:00:27,594 --> 00:00:29,728
And to show our support
here at omt,
17
00:00:29,730 --> 00:00:31,430
We pooled our money together,
and we...
18
00:00:31,499 --> 00:00:32,965
Jen: Oh, man, this is great.
19
00:00:33,100 --> 00:00:34,933
You have no idea
how expensive it's been--
20
00:00:35,069 --> 00:00:37,602
Dj: ...Ordered this life-sized
cardboard cut-out of you!
21
00:00:37,671 --> 00:00:38,704
-Ta-dah!
22
00:00:38,839 --> 00:00:40,439
-Wow.
-Wow!
23
00:00:40,574 --> 00:00:41,840
-Really could have
used the cash.
24
00:00:41,909 --> 00:00:44,276
Dj: This will serve as
a reminder to our customers
25
00:00:44,345 --> 00:00:46,412
That our employees aren't
just riff-raff off the street...
26
00:00:46,547 --> 00:00:49,014
Our employees are olympians.
27
00:00:49,083 --> 00:00:50,082
Keeran: Jen...
28
00:00:50,151 --> 00:00:51,817
You're what dreams are made of.
29
00:00:51,886 --> 00:00:54,319
Cynthia: Jen, we are
all so proud of you.
30
00:00:54,321 --> 00:00:56,755
Dj: Now let's put this mama jama
in a place of glory
31
00:00:56,890 --> 00:00:57,923
Where everyone can see, huh?
32
00:00:57,925 --> 00:00:59,024
-Yeah.
33
00:00:59,026 --> 00:01:00,125
oh!
34
00:01:00,260 --> 00:01:01,660
-Oh my god.
-Oh.
35
00:01:01,729 --> 00:01:02,661
-No big deal.
36
00:01:02,796 --> 00:01:04,563
Gonna take more than
a bump on the noggin
37
00:01:04,632 --> 00:01:05,931
To keep this champion down.
38
00:01:06,066 --> 00:01:07,099
Ha!
39
00:01:07,168 --> 00:01:10,835
-Oh!
-Wow.
40
00:01:10,871 --> 00:01:11,837
-To jen!
41
00:01:11,972 --> 00:01:14,706
♪
42
00:01:19,046 --> 00:01:20,312
-Is that a shot at us?
43
00:01:20,381 --> 00:01:22,181
-I wouldn't read
too much into it.
44
00:01:31,492 --> 00:01:33,057
-Okay, that felt personal.
45
00:01:33,094 --> 00:01:35,260
Appreciate the captions, though.
That was a nice touch.
46
00:01:35,395 --> 00:01:37,595
-No, dj, that was
a slap in our faces!
47
00:01:37,631 --> 00:01:39,498
We can't let him
get away with this!
48
00:01:39,567 --> 00:01:41,700
Cynthia: We could make
an advertisement of our own.
49
00:01:41,835 --> 00:01:43,769
I have gone over the
financial implications and--
50
00:01:43,904 --> 00:01:46,204
-No, I say we taylor swift
his sorry ass--
51
00:01:46,240 --> 00:01:47,673
Shoot a scathing revenge ad!
52
00:01:47,808 --> 00:01:50,275
Jen: I'm with wayne.
Carlito wants beef?
53
00:01:50,410 --> 00:01:52,010
We take him to the slaughter.
54
00:01:52,145 --> 00:01:53,578
-Boom.
-Okay, relax, alright?
55
00:01:53,647 --> 00:01:55,213
We're not gonna shoot
a revenge ad.
56
00:01:55,249 --> 00:01:58,217
I'll just go talk to carlito
and ask him to take the ad down.
57
00:01:58,352 --> 00:01:59,418
He'll understand.
58
00:01:59,553 --> 00:02:01,019
-Carlito understand?
59
00:02:01,021 --> 00:02:02,221
He hates you!
60
00:02:02,223 --> 00:02:03,555
-I know.
61
00:02:03,690 --> 00:02:06,291
The man holds a grudge
like alex honnold holds a rock.
62
00:02:08,729 --> 00:02:10,028
Still, I gotta at least try.
63
00:02:10,097 --> 00:02:11,597
♪
64
00:02:11,732 --> 00:02:14,533
Chris: Thank you for coming
to sports dynasty.
65
00:02:14,668 --> 00:02:15,634
Excuse me!
66
00:02:15,769 --> 00:02:17,436
No, no, no, no,
I have direct orders
67
00:02:17,438 --> 00:02:19,171
To never let you
step foot in here!
68
00:02:19,173 --> 00:02:20,471
-It's really no big deal, man.
69
00:02:20,508 --> 00:02:22,808
I just gotta talk to carlito
for like one minute.
70
00:02:22,810 --> 00:02:24,576
-Look, man.
I don't like this either!
71
00:02:24,612 --> 00:02:25,910
I'm a pacifist at heart.
72
00:02:25,912 --> 00:02:28,046
But you already know,
carlito has a strict--
73
00:02:28,048 --> 00:02:30,215
-"no dj policy."
yeah, I know.
74
00:02:30,350 --> 00:02:32,017
-And I already lost
my bathroom privileges
75
00:02:32,019 --> 00:02:34,385
After that dunk tank fiasco.
76
00:02:34,421 --> 00:02:37,722
-Man, this work environment
sounds terrible.
77
00:02:37,791 --> 00:02:38,857
Why do you do it?
78
00:02:38,992 --> 00:02:41,859
-I got rent, I got bills.
79
00:02:41,896 --> 00:02:43,929
Plus my son's
starting hockey soon.
80
00:02:44,064 --> 00:02:44,930
That ain't cheap.
81
00:02:45,065 --> 00:02:46,465
-At least you get
an employee discount.
82
00:02:46,467 --> 00:02:48,466
-You'd think so,
but carlito says
83
00:02:48,502 --> 00:02:51,603
That security doesn't count,
so no discounts.
84
00:02:51,639 --> 00:02:54,339
And no birthday
acknowledgements.
85
00:02:54,341 --> 00:02:56,074
-But birthdays
are what makes us human.
86
00:02:56,110 --> 00:02:58,010
-That's what I said!
87
00:02:58,145 --> 00:02:59,144
-Here...
88
00:02:59,146 --> 00:03:01,213
25% off anything at omt.
89
00:03:01,348 --> 00:03:02,513
Come by sometime with your son.
90
00:03:02,550 --> 00:03:03,881
-Whoa.
Thank you.
91
00:03:03,918 --> 00:03:05,483
Carlito: don't
forget to tell your friends
92
00:03:05,519 --> 00:03:06,618
About sports dynasty.
93
00:03:06,654 --> 00:03:07,752
Oh-ho!
94
00:03:07,821 --> 00:03:09,354
Well, well, well!
95
00:03:09,356 --> 00:03:11,322
If it isn't
the gap-toothed gringo.
96
00:03:11,358 --> 00:03:14,293
-I just came by to say
I saw the new commercial,
97
00:03:14,295 --> 00:03:16,094
And I'm sure it was an accident,
98
00:03:16,096 --> 00:03:18,430
But it seemed like you were
subliminally dissing omt.
99
00:03:18,499 --> 00:03:20,432
-Nothing subliminal
about it, son.
100
00:03:20,434 --> 00:03:22,100
Shots fired!
101
00:03:22,136 --> 00:03:24,569
-Okay, we're doing this.
You wanna step in here, or...?
102
00:03:24,572 --> 00:03:26,939
-I'd rather not.
-Smart man, jerome.
103
00:03:27,074 --> 00:03:28,039
-It's actually chris.
104
00:03:28,075 --> 00:03:30,208
-Looks like it's just
you and me, payaso!
105
00:03:30,244 --> 00:03:31,309
Ha ha ha!
106
00:03:31,345 --> 00:03:32,878
-Can't we just let
sleeping dogs lie?
107
00:03:32,880 --> 00:03:35,747
-I would never forgive a dog
who did me dirty from behind!
108
00:03:35,783 --> 00:03:38,249
-I didn't ask to be made
manager over you, okay?
109
00:03:38,285 --> 00:03:39,718
I've apologized like
a hundred times.
110
00:03:39,787 --> 00:03:41,919
Plus, you're doing great
here at sports dynasty.
111
00:03:41,956 --> 00:03:44,990
-Don't try to disarm my anger
with facts and logic, bro!
112
00:03:44,992 --> 00:03:47,525
-Maybe do a re-shoot.
Something less personal.
113
00:03:47,561 --> 00:03:49,727
-But it is personal.
114
00:03:49,763 --> 00:03:54,933
And personally ruining you
would make my año.
115
00:03:55,068 --> 00:03:56,468
Take a walk!
116
00:03:56,537 --> 00:03:58,937
Vamanos, tyrone.
117
00:03:59,006 --> 00:04:01,940
♪
118
00:04:02,009 --> 00:04:03,675
♪
119
00:04:03,810 --> 00:04:05,143
Jen: Whoa.
What is this?
120
00:04:05,145 --> 00:04:07,546
Some sort of abstract display
for the store?
121
00:04:07,548 --> 00:04:09,748
'cause those are typically done,
you know, on the floor.
122
00:04:09,817 --> 00:04:12,284
-This, jen, is a recording booth
for my podcast,
123
00:04:12,419 --> 00:04:13,652
"formidable failures."
124
00:04:13,787 --> 00:04:15,553
-Yeah, your booth looks like
a formidable failure.
125
00:04:15,689 --> 00:04:16,722
-That's very cute.
126
00:04:16,857 --> 00:04:18,757
-So, wait,
why are you doing this here?
127
00:04:18,759 --> 00:04:19,891
-Because my
basement studio flooded.
128
00:04:20,027 --> 00:04:21,893
-Oh, you mean your
basement studio apartment?
129
00:04:21,962 --> 00:04:24,195
-Yes, I do.
And luckily, goalie pads
130
00:04:24,231 --> 00:04:25,497
Provide adequate
noise cancellation.
131
00:04:25,632 --> 00:04:27,299
I have a huge guest
coming in tomorrow,
132
00:04:27,301 --> 00:04:28,967
And this is the best
I could whip up.
133
00:04:29,036 --> 00:04:31,103
-Hopefully no one comes in
looking for goalie pads
134
00:04:31,238 --> 00:04:32,204
In the meantime.
135
00:04:32,206 --> 00:04:33,838
-Yeah, and once
you go to the olympics,
136
00:04:33,874 --> 00:04:37,042
I could have you on as a guest.
-Oh, that's...
137
00:04:37,044 --> 00:04:39,044
-Ha. Ha. Ha.
138
00:04:39,046 --> 00:04:40,578
Eh, that's good.
139
00:04:40,614 --> 00:04:42,046
-The retaliation video's on.
140
00:04:42,082 --> 00:04:43,148
Keeran: What?
141
00:04:43,150 --> 00:04:45,083
-You heard me.
Carlito thinks he can muscle me?
142
00:04:45,218 --> 00:04:46,385
I played puck for 13 years.
143
00:04:46,520 --> 00:04:47,785
I got in 14 fights.
144
00:04:47,787 --> 00:04:48,987
I broke a guy's collarbone once!
145
00:04:49,122 --> 00:04:50,622
-Damn, dj!
146
00:04:50,624 --> 00:04:51,656
-It was an accident.
147
00:04:51,725 --> 00:04:53,391
I was hugging my coach
after a win.
148
00:04:53,460 --> 00:04:55,259
I didn't know
he had osteoporosis;
149
00:04:55,296 --> 00:04:57,128
I still feel terrible about it.
150
00:04:57,264 --> 00:04:58,897
The point is, I'm capable.
151
00:04:58,899 --> 00:05:01,166
This is gonna be
the "hit 'em up" of commercials.
152
00:05:01,301 --> 00:05:02,701
-I don't know what that means.
153
00:05:02,703 --> 00:05:05,336
-I'll show you at lunch.
It's vicious.
154
00:05:05,372 --> 00:05:06,471
Who's got a camera?
155
00:05:06,473 --> 00:05:08,173
-I got a phone.
156
00:05:08,308 --> 00:05:09,507
-Oh, terrific.
157
00:05:09,509 --> 00:05:11,043
That's why I
your!
158
00:05:11,178 --> 00:05:12,377
Here at one more time sports,
159
00:05:12,379 --> 00:05:14,412
We're nothing like
those big box ,
160
00:05:14,481 --> 00:05:16,681
Those corporate
greedy vultures
161
00:05:16,717 --> 00:05:18,049
Who don't care about you.
162
00:05:18,052 --> 00:05:20,285
All they care about is--
163
00:05:20,287 --> 00:05:21,753
When in reality,
164
00:05:21,888 --> 00:05:23,888
They don't even
celebrate birthdays!
165
00:05:26,694 --> 00:05:28,493
What am I doing?
This isn't me.
166
00:05:28,562 --> 00:05:30,629
-Yeah, I don't like this, dj.
167
00:05:30,631 --> 00:05:31,996
-We can't stoop to their level.
168
00:05:32,066 --> 00:05:35,300
When sports dynasty goes low,
we go high.
169
00:05:35,369 --> 00:05:37,068
Michelle obama.
170
00:05:37,071 --> 00:05:38,336
Hey, chris!
-Hi.
171
00:05:38,372 --> 00:05:39,671
-You came!
172
00:05:39,673 --> 00:05:41,173
-25% off?
173
00:05:41,308 --> 00:05:43,541
I'd be a fool not to.
174
00:05:43,610 --> 00:05:44,876
-Take five, buddy.
175
00:05:44,878 --> 00:05:45,777
-Uh-huh.
176
00:05:45,912 --> 00:05:47,846
-Hey, little man.
I hear you play hockey.
177
00:05:47,915 --> 00:05:49,014
-Yeah.
178
00:05:49,016 --> 00:05:51,083
-Oh, we do accept
baseball and cricket bats...
179
00:05:51,218 --> 00:05:53,118
-Mm-hm?
-But, um...
180
00:05:53,187 --> 00:05:55,186
What is this?
181
00:05:55,222 --> 00:05:56,521
-Paint.
182
00:05:56,557 --> 00:05:58,189
-Jen, could you take
keeran's Tuesday shift
183
00:05:58,225 --> 00:06:00,358
So he can watch
the girls' volleyball practice?
184
00:06:00,394 --> 00:06:02,060
-Blue bird?
185
00:06:02,129 --> 00:06:03,095
-The hawk?
186
00:06:03,230 --> 00:06:04,229
-The what?
187
00:06:07,067 --> 00:06:10,268
-I thought I would
never see you again!
188
00:06:10,337 --> 00:06:13,071
-Well, I busted outta the clink.
189
00:06:13,206 --> 00:06:16,374
So, still kickin', huh?
190
00:06:16,377 --> 00:06:17,976
-After all these years,
191
00:06:17,978 --> 00:06:19,945
That is all
you have to say to me?
192
00:06:20,080 --> 00:06:22,147
-Well, what do you
want me to say?
193
00:06:22,216 --> 00:06:25,684
That you look even more
irresistible than I imagined?
194
00:06:25,819 --> 00:06:27,685
-Are you saying you imagined me?
195
00:06:27,721 --> 00:06:31,623
every goddamn day.
196
00:06:31,692 --> 00:06:34,492
-You're gonna have to
stub that stick, fella.
197
00:06:34,528 --> 00:06:36,194
-You want a pull?
-No.
198
00:06:36,263 --> 00:06:39,530
No, I haven't had a smoke
since the lorenzo job.
199
00:06:39,566 --> 00:06:41,466
You remember that one,
don't you?
200
00:06:41,601 --> 00:06:43,868
-When we made love
in the bank vault?
201
00:06:43,937 --> 00:06:48,206
The only thing louder than our
beating hearts were the sirens.
202
00:06:48,208 --> 00:06:52,043
-I am so sorry that I
never visited you, hawk.
203
00:06:52,045 --> 00:06:55,246
I just couldn't bear
to see you behind bars.
204
00:06:55,248 --> 00:06:58,516
Writing that goodbye letter
was the most excruciating thing
205
00:06:58,652 --> 00:07:01,787
That I have ever done!
206
00:07:01,922 --> 00:07:04,055
Did you get the polaroid
that I sent with it?
207
00:07:04,057 --> 00:07:06,658
-I beat my meat to it every day.
-Hm!
208
00:07:06,660 --> 00:07:09,494
-I pulled enough rope
to climb el capitán.
209
00:07:09,496 --> 00:07:10,529
-Nice.
210
00:07:12,699 --> 00:07:15,867
-So, do you want
cash for these, or...
211
00:07:15,903 --> 00:07:17,335
You doin' a trade-in?
212
00:07:17,471 --> 00:07:19,838
trade-in.
213
00:07:19,907 --> 00:07:22,674
I ain't ready to leave
this angel yet.
214
00:07:27,014 --> 00:07:29,080
-Something on your mind,
patrick?
215
00:07:29,216 --> 00:07:33,251
If you're not a fan of the ccms,
we got some bauers, too.
216
00:07:33,320 --> 00:07:35,287
-What's the matter, patty cake?
217
00:07:35,289 --> 00:07:37,355
-It's just...
218
00:07:37,357 --> 00:07:39,757
I don't know.
219
00:07:39,827 --> 00:07:42,527
I don't really want
hockey skates.
220
00:07:42,529 --> 00:07:46,664
-Well, you need skates
to play hockey.
221
00:07:46,700 --> 00:07:48,700
-I want figure skates, papa!
222
00:07:48,769 --> 00:07:50,568
I've always wanted
figure skates...
223
00:07:50,604 --> 00:07:53,004
But I was too afraid to ask.
224
00:07:53,040 --> 00:07:58,910
-Hey, never be afraid
to ask me anything, son.
225
00:08:00,580 --> 00:08:02,780
I love you,
226
00:08:02,816 --> 00:08:06,050
And I love any skates
you choose.
227
00:08:06,086 --> 00:08:07,952
-Really?
228
00:08:08,021 --> 00:08:11,356
-Come here.
229
00:08:11,358 --> 00:08:12,490
Ahh!
230
00:08:14,261 --> 00:08:15,860
-I'm comin' in!
-Oof!
231
00:08:15,929 --> 00:08:18,363
Dj: I hope nobody
has osteoporosis!
232
00:08:18,432 --> 00:08:20,031
Chris: Ah...
233
00:08:20,033 --> 00:08:23,334
♪
234
00:08:23,403 --> 00:08:26,671
♪
235
00:08:26,707 --> 00:08:29,407
-Morning.
236
00:08:29,443 --> 00:08:30,875
What's goin' on in here?
237
00:08:30,878 --> 00:08:32,844
Cynthia: We're famous now, dj.
238
00:08:32,979 --> 00:08:34,812
Keeran: I think it's 'cause
I posted the footage
239
00:08:34,882 --> 00:08:35,980
From yesterday.
240
00:08:36,049 --> 00:08:37,882
-You wha--?
That wasn't supposed to go out!
241
00:08:37,918 --> 00:08:40,018
I said some terrible things
I've been trying to forget.
242
00:08:40,153 --> 00:08:41,786
You mean like?
243
00:08:41,855 --> 00:08:43,955
-Boy, you are a sponge.
-Don't worry.
244
00:08:43,991 --> 00:08:45,490
I didn't post your rant.
245
00:08:45,559 --> 00:08:47,892
I posted you with
chris and patty cake.
246
00:08:47,895 --> 00:08:49,627
-You caught that?
247
00:08:50,697 --> 00:08:51,963
Whoa, people are loving it.
248
00:08:52,098 --> 00:08:54,198
Keeran: 2.7 million views!
249
00:08:54,234 --> 00:08:55,300
Dj: Nice!
250
00:08:55,302 --> 00:08:56,367
Wait...
251
00:08:56,502 --> 00:08:58,769
I hope chris is okay with this.
252
00:09:01,542 --> 00:09:02,840
-What's up?
No more pad pod?
253
00:09:02,876 --> 00:09:04,109
-My guest just cancelled.
254
00:09:04,244 --> 00:09:06,444
There's no way I can replace
that calibre of failure
255
00:09:06,513 --> 00:09:07,645
On such short notice.
256
00:09:07,681 --> 00:09:09,047
-What was so great
about the guy?
257
00:09:09,049 --> 00:09:10,582
-He was the opposite of great.
258
00:09:10,584 --> 00:09:11,983
Failed out of high school at 16.
259
00:09:12,019 --> 00:09:13,652
Went back in his 70s,
failed again,
260
00:09:13,787 --> 00:09:15,787
And the stress of that
caused his marriage to...
261
00:09:15,856 --> 00:09:17,588
...Fail.
He was perfect!
262
00:09:17,590 --> 00:09:18,857
-This must be
very painful for you.
263
00:09:18,992 --> 00:09:20,358
-And I'd be getting
all the details
264
00:09:20,394 --> 00:09:22,827
If his stupid heart
hadn't failed, too.
265
00:09:24,565 --> 00:09:26,197
-I need hockey tape now !
266
00:09:26,333 --> 00:09:27,198
-What happened to you?
267
00:09:27,334 --> 00:09:29,067
-Some, like, dipshit
brakes on a yellow,
268
00:09:29,202 --> 00:09:31,002
So obviously I, like,
ram into the back of him
269
00:09:31,137 --> 00:09:33,138
And I spill my pho everywhere.
This totally soaks my phone.
270
00:09:33,140 --> 00:09:35,039
I have to go to the store
to buy rice
271
00:09:35,075 --> 00:09:36,941
So that I can try
to save my phone.
272
00:09:36,944 --> 00:09:39,143
While I'm in there, some asshole
rams into the back bumper.
273
00:09:39,179 --> 00:09:41,413
So now I've got both bumpers
of the car, like, dangling
274
00:09:41,415 --> 00:09:43,915
Like friggin' dingleberries!
-I love berries!
275
00:09:43,917 --> 00:09:46,283
-Anyways, I have to fix it soon
because chauffeurs have
276
00:09:46,320 --> 00:09:48,552
This, like, totally draconian
rule that you have to have
277
00:09:48,589 --> 00:09:49,887
"both bumpers
attached to your car."
278
00:09:49,957 --> 00:09:50,889
It's, like, so stupid.
279
00:09:51,024 --> 00:09:52,590
-I got this!
-Uh, so we can--
280
00:09:52,626 --> 00:09:53,725
Wayne: Pardon me.
281
00:09:53,794 --> 00:09:55,760
How would you like to
be a guest on my podcast,
282
00:09:55,829 --> 00:09:56,828
"formidable failures"?
283
00:09:56,963 --> 00:09:58,697
We do fails and bails
on an epic scale.
284
00:09:58,832 --> 00:09:59,764
-Ew, no.
Hard pass.
285
00:09:59,899 --> 00:10:01,633
-Give you 20 bucks.
-Oh, yeah, sure, done.
286
00:10:01,635 --> 00:10:02,600
-Okay.
287
00:10:02,669 --> 00:10:03,802
Dj: Hey, hey!
288
00:10:03,804 --> 00:10:05,704
-Hey!
-There's my viral co-star.
289
00:10:05,706 --> 00:10:07,438
-What?
-Oh, you didn't see?
290
00:10:07,474 --> 00:10:09,774
Yeah, we posted a video of
you and patrick buying skates
291
00:10:09,909 --> 00:10:10,976
And it's blowing up.
292
00:10:11,111 --> 00:10:13,111
I just wanted to make sure
you're okay with that.
293
00:10:13,180 --> 00:10:14,211
-That's cool.
294
00:10:14,247 --> 00:10:17,048
Explains why patty was
mr. Popular at drop-off.
295
00:10:17,084 --> 00:10:18,850
Carlito:
you bring 'em back to me.
296
00:10:18,919 --> 00:10:21,352
See ya later, little guy.
Muah!
297
00:10:23,056 --> 00:10:25,723
-I see the bargain basement
buffoon is back!
298
00:10:25,759 --> 00:10:27,859
-You better get out
of my face, carlito.
299
00:10:27,928 --> 00:10:29,994
-Don't tinkle
in your trousers, bro.
300
00:10:29,997 --> 00:10:32,864
My beef isn't with you today.
301
00:10:32,933 --> 00:10:35,933
I thought you were loyal
to sports dynasty,
302
00:10:35,969 --> 00:10:38,970
But you're nothing
but a two-timing turncoat!
303
00:10:38,972 --> 00:10:40,271
-Hey, calm down, carlito.
304
00:10:40,273 --> 00:10:41,606
Chris didn't do anything wrong.
305
00:10:41,675 --> 00:10:42,941
-Calm down?
306
00:10:43,076 --> 00:10:44,943
Chris: See, I'm loyal.
I'm very loyal.
307
00:10:45,078 --> 00:10:47,345
-Oh, you think you're funny?
Funny guy?
308
00:10:47,347 --> 00:10:49,346
-No. I mean,
I do enjoy comedy--
309
00:10:49,383 --> 00:10:50,548
-Here's a joke!
310
00:10:50,617 --> 00:10:51,749
You're fired!
311
00:10:51,818 --> 00:10:53,017
How 'bout that?
312
00:10:53,053 --> 00:10:55,352
Dj: Just to clarify,
is that a joke?
313
00:10:55,389 --> 00:10:56,488
-"is that a joke?"
314
00:10:56,490 --> 00:10:57,956
Oh, you're a funny guy too, huh?
315
00:10:58,091 --> 00:10:59,391
-No, I'm genuinely unclear.
316
00:10:59,526 --> 00:11:00,892
-Well, check this out.
317
00:11:00,961 --> 00:11:02,661
Knock knock!
318
00:11:02,796 --> 00:11:04,562
-Who's there?
-He's fired!
319
00:11:04,631 --> 00:11:06,964
-I'm starting to think
you don't know what a joke is.
320
00:11:07,000 --> 00:11:07,999
-How 'bout this one?
321
00:11:08,134 --> 00:11:11,435
A priest and a rabbi
walk into a bar...
322
00:11:11,471 --> 00:11:12,570
And he's fired!
323
00:11:12,572 --> 00:11:15,973
Oh-ho, I'm so funny!
Oh, snap!
324
00:11:15,975 --> 00:11:17,475
-I'm sorry, man.
325
00:11:26,920 --> 00:11:28,385
-Okay, so what kind of failure
326
00:11:28,422 --> 00:11:29,854
Are we gonna be
talking about today?
327
00:11:29,989 --> 00:11:31,556
Uh, failure of democracy,
328
00:11:31,691 --> 00:11:32,957
Failure of
free-market capitalism,
329
00:11:33,026 --> 00:11:34,525
Failure to launch,
330
00:11:34,561 --> 00:11:36,060
The hit rom-com starring
matthew mcconaughey...
331
00:11:36,129 --> 00:11:37,428
-Yeah, who else was in that?
332
00:11:37,464 --> 00:11:39,363
-Uh, I think it was
sarah jessica parker?
333
00:11:39,433 --> 00:11:42,500
-That's right, you put some
goddamn respect on her name.
334
00:11:42,569 --> 00:11:45,236
But no, it's actually
far more personal than that.
335
00:11:47,207 --> 00:11:49,474
So, have you ever
shat your pants in public?
336
00:11:49,476 --> 00:11:52,210
-Oh my god, ew, no.
What kind of question is that?
337
00:11:52,212 --> 00:11:54,111
-That's the ice-breaker.
-That's not an ice-breaker.
338
00:11:54,147 --> 00:11:57,515
And no, I've never
shat my pants in public.
339
00:11:57,517 --> 00:11:58,883
I have.
340
00:11:58,952 --> 00:12:01,219
-But... Dj has.
341
00:12:01,354 --> 00:12:03,455
-Oh? Do tell!
342
00:12:07,761 --> 00:12:08,827
Jen: Whoa!
343
00:12:08,962 --> 00:12:10,628
The hawk: Blue bird!
344
00:12:10,697 --> 00:12:11,763
-You came back!
345
00:12:11,898 --> 00:12:13,698
-I knew you wanted me to.
346
00:12:13,833 --> 00:12:14,966
But I can't linger.
347
00:12:15,035 --> 00:12:16,367
Run away with me!
348
00:12:16,436 --> 00:12:18,769
Let's hightail it
outta this whistle stop!
349
00:12:18,805 --> 00:12:20,004
-Where would we go?
350
00:12:20,140 --> 00:12:22,240
-Wherever the wind
blows us, baby.
351
00:12:22,309 --> 00:12:24,642
Maybe mexico.
352
00:12:24,644 --> 00:12:25,977
Probably winnipeg.
353
00:12:26,112 --> 00:12:28,379
-But... I'm not
that person anymore.
354
00:12:28,448 --> 00:12:31,182
I... I have a job
and a loving family.
355
00:12:31,317 --> 00:12:32,517
-Ooh...
356
00:12:32,652 --> 00:12:35,386
You see, that sounds like a
whole lot of commitment, sugar.
357
00:12:35,522 --> 00:12:38,656
Now, imagine burning
it all to the ground!
358
00:12:38,725 --> 00:12:40,258
Doesn't that make
your spine tingle?
359
00:12:40,260 --> 00:12:41,659
-Oh, it makes something tingle.
360
00:12:41,795 --> 00:12:43,994
but, I-I can't.
361
00:12:44,030 --> 00:12:46,063
-Hmm?
-I found god.
362
00:12:46,099 --> 00:12:47,531
-Good for you.
363
00:12:47,567 --> 00:12:51,002
The only thing I found
was a shiv in my kidney.
364
00:12:51,071 --> 00:12:52,537
oh!
365
00:12:52,606 --> 00:12:55,940
Oh... Blue bird!
You kept it!
366
00:12:55,942 --> 00:12:57,809
-How could I not?
367
00:12:57,811 --> 00:13:01,479
-Please don't hate me, but...
368
00:13:02,816 --> 00:13:05,617
-Oh, you lengthened the wings
and shortened the beak.
369
00:13:05,619 --> 00:13:08,920
-I couldn't handle
the sight of a hawk...
370
00:13:08,922 --> 00:13:11,055
So I made it a falcon.
371
00:13:11,124 --> 00:13:13,224
-I'll be back at 3.
372
00:13:13,260 --> 00:13:16,827
If you ever loved me,
you'll be ready to go.
373
00:13:16,829 --> 00:13:19,497
-But my shift ends at 4!
374
00:13:19,632 --> 00:13:21,165
-Well...
375
00:13:21,168 --> 00:13:23,334
I wanna avoid rush hour.
376
00:13:23,469 --> 00:13:25,169
-Oh.
377
00:13:25,172 --> 00:13:28,306
♪
378
00:13:28,308 --> 00:13:32,510
♪
379
00:13:32,512 --> 00:13:34,579
-No one else is
getting this, huh?
380
00:13:34,648 --> 00:13:37,248
Chris: I can't thank you
enough for this job.
381
00:13:37,284 --> 00:13:40,451
My aversion
to conflict ends today.
382
00:13:40,520 --> 00:13:44,122
I will be the best damn
security guard omt has ever had.
383
00:13:44,124 --> 00:13:46,457
-Well, you'll be the only one
we've ever had.
384
00:13:46,459 --> 00:13:47,792
-For real?
385
00:13:47,794 --> 00:13:50,128
-I'm kind of against security
guards on a philosophical level,
386
00:13:50,130 --> 00:13:52,931
But, uh, if I'm gonna
renounce my core belief,
387
00:13:53,066 --> 00:13:56,200
I'm happy it's for
a great guy like you.
388
00:13:56,236 --> 00:13:57,869
we got this.
389
00:13:59,072 --> 00:14:01,472
I believe in you.
390
00:14:01,541 --> 00:14:03,308
hey!
391
00:14:03,443 --> 00:14:04,542
Receipt!
392
00:14:04,544 --> 00:14:06,511
-You're the nice man
from the video.
393
00:14:06,513 --> 00:14:07,612
Chris: That's right,
394
00:14:07,747 --> 00:14:09,814
And if this sticky-fingered
sonofabitch don't show me
395
00:14:09,816 --> 00:14:11,282
His receipt right now,
396
00:14:11,284 --> 00:14:14,218
Nice guy from the video
'bout to snap his neck off!
397
00:14:14,254 --> 00:14:16,153
-Chris, you don't really
have to do that--
398
00:14:16,155 --> 00:14:18,289
-I got you, man.
399
00:14:18,358 --> 00:14:20,458
Nat: This other time,
he's trying to impress a girl,
400
00:14:20,593 --> 00:14:22,793
So he's popping a wheelie
on his bike.
401
00:14:22,829 --> 00:14:23,595
-Uh-huh?
-Falls off.
402
00:14:23,730 --> 00:14:24,729
Immediate skull fracture.
403
00:14:24,798 --> 00:14:26,563
Ah!
404
00:14:26,565 --> 00:14:29,100
-This other time, he got
locked in a bathroom stall
405
00:14:29,235 --> 00:14:33,304
For 24 hours and he had to
drink toilet water to survive.
406
00:14:34,841 --> 00:14:37,441
I mean, you could live
without water for three days.
407
00:14:37,477 --> 00:14:39,911
I know, he didn't need to!
408
00:14:39,913 --> 00:14:42,380
-It's actually hurting!
Oof.
409
00:14:42,382 --> 00:14:43,781
Okay...
410
00:14:43,783 --> 00:14:46,384
But let's get down
to his biggest failure of all,
411
00:14:46,453 --> 00:14:47,985
Going from playing pro hockey
412
00:14:48,054 --> 00:14:49,921
To managing
a used sporting goods store
413
00:14:49,923 --> 00:14:51,789
In his hometown of
korverton, ontario.
414
00:14:51,858 --> 00:14:54,258
That's pretty pathetic.
415
00:14:54,261 --> 00:14:56,560
What do we think
happened there?
416
00:14:56,596 --> 00:14:59,897
-I'm sorry, what did you
just say about my brother?
417
00:14:59,966 --> 00:15:01,466
-I, uh-- what?
418
00:15:01,601 --> 00:15:04,836
-Who the hell
do you think you are?
419
00:15:04,838 --> 00:15:06,037
I'm wayne.
420
00:15:06,039 --> 00:15:09,206
-You must be as dumb as you look
if you seriously think
421
00:15:09,242 --> 00:15:12,276
That I'm gonna let
some part-time omt lifer
422
00:15:12,279 --> 00:15:13,878
Diss my big bro like that.
423
00:15:14,013 --> 00:15:15,279
I'm actually full-time.
424
00:15:15,348 --> 00:15:18,616
-I mean, what is missing
from your pathetic, lonely life
425
00:15:18,751 --> 00:15:22,286
That you reap so much pleasure
from other people's pain?
426
00:15:27,160 --> 00:15:30,161
-This week's sponsor
is email rat.
427
00:15:30,230 --> 00:15:33,297
Uh, give an email to a rat.
428
00:15:36,769 --> 00:15:38,169
-You stealin' hand pumps?
429
00:15:38,304 --> 00:15:39,437
-That's my puffer!
430
00:15:39,439 --> 00:15:42,173
-Then next time
declare it before you enter
431
00:15:42,175 --> 00:15:44,375
To avoid confusion!
432
00:15:46,446 --> 00:15:47,311
-I...
433
00:15:47,347 --> 00:15:49,380
This is why
we conduct interviews.
434
00:15:49,416 --> 00:15:52,116
And, oh, I don't know,
check references!
435
00:15:52,251 --> 00:15:54,118
-Come on, it's not that bad.
436
00:15:54,253 --> 00:15:57,188
Chris: Now who's
just browsing?!
437
00:15:57,323 --> 00:16:01,158
-Yeah... The forcible
confinement's a bit much.
438
00:16:08,201 --> 00:16:10,001
-There's no easy way
to say this,
439
00:16:10,003 --> 00:16:12,203
But this security guard thing
isn't quite working out.
440
00:16:12,272 --> 00:16:13,671
-What...?
How so?
441
00:16:13,806 --> 00:16:16,741
-Well, for one, people don't
want to shop in a police state.
442
00:16:16,810 --> 00:16:19,210
And also, that tape you used
to tie that guy up
443
00:16:19,212 --> 00:16:21,345
Could have ripped the hair
right out of his arm.
444
00:16:21,414 --> 00:16:23,480
-I couldn't have done this
much longer, anyway.
445
00:16:23,516 --> 00:16:27,684
That level of aggression
is spiritually draining.
446
00:16:27,821 --> 00:16:28,886
-I bet.
447
00:16:28,888 --> 00:16:32,290
-Fyi, that tape wouldn't
have done any damage.
448
00:16:32,292 --> 00:16:36,560
Clarke brand hockey tape
doesn't adhere to human skin.
449
00:16:36,596 --> 00:16:38,629
It's one of their
selling features.
450
00:16:38,765 --> 00:16:39,964
-Huh, good to know.
451
00:16:40,033 --> 00:16:41,232
-Anyway...
452
00:16:41,234 --> 00:16:43,367
I'll bounce back!
453
00:16:43,370 --> 00:16:48,272
Like mario lemieux when he was
out with hodgkin's lymphoma,
454
00:16:48,341 --> 00:16:52,977
Then returned and still
won the scoring title!
455
00:16:53,112 --> 00:16:54,745
What an inspiration.
456
00:16:54,781 --> 00:16:55,979
Well...
457
00:16:56,016 --> 00:16:57,548
So long.
458
00:17:02,222 --> 00:17:05,255
-I'm taking these.
Just put 'em on my tab.
459
00:17:05,291 --> 00:17:07,658
Wayne: Hey, nat.
May I have a word?
460
00:17:07,660 --> 00:17:08,993
sure.
461
00:17:08,995 --> 00:17:10,461
-Yeah, I just want to thank you.
462
00:17:10,497 --> 00:17:12,263
You know, you really
got me thinking
463
00:17:12,265 --> 00:17:13,397
About my own shortcomings,
464
00:17:13,466 --> 00:17:15,599
And how the glee I take
in other people's pain
465
00:17:15,635 --> 00:17:17,268
Is really just stemming from
unexamined childhood trauma--
466
00:17:17,403 --> 00:17:18,369
-Yeah, obviously.
467
00:17:18,504 --> 00:17:20,671
-So from now on,
I vow to turn the lens
468
00:17:20,807 --> 00:17:23,474
Away from strangers
and onto myself instead.
469
00:17:23,609 --> 00:17:25,476
-Well, that's
very mature of you.
470
00:17:25,512 --> 00:17:27,678
-Well, all the best.
-Customer: I didn't get it?
471
00:17:27,714 --> 00:17:30,047
But being a fine dining waiter
is my calling!
472
00:17:30,083 --> 00:17:31,081
Ow!
473
00:17:32,285 --> 00:17:33,418
Customer: Don't hang up!
474
00:17:35,388 --> 00:17:36,754
Uh...
475
00:17:36,756 --> 00:17:38,155
Geez, gosh,
I hope he's not hurt.
476
00:17:39,559 --> 00:17:43,494
-Those sticks sure are a hazard.
477
00:17:43,530 --> 00:17:44,962
Customer: Are you still there?
Hello?
478
00:17:45,031 --> 00:17:46,564
-Ah...
479
00:17:46,633 --> 00:17:49,300
-Okay, yeah, you know what?
Just, you do you, dude.
480
00:17:49,302 --> 00:17:50,301
-Go, go.
-Oh-ho!
481
00:17:50,370 --> 00:17:52,202
We've got
a wayne on the street segment
482
00:17:52,238 --> 00:17:54,805
With "formidable failures" with
a daily dose of schadenfreude.
483
00:17:54,808 --> 00:17:57,508
Scale of 1 to 10,
how is your shame right now?
484
00:17:57,510 --> 00:17:59,576
-Huh?
-Oh, and he's a wordsmith too!
485
00:17:59,612 --> 00:18:00,511
My goodness!
486
00:18:04,451 --> 00:18:07,151
Chris:
still won the scoring title!
487
00:18:07,287 --> 00:18:09,954
Doesn't adhere to human skin...
488
00:18:09,956 --> 00:18:12,323
Carlito:
a priest and a rabbi
489
00:18:12,325 --> 00:18:16,026
Walk into a bar...
490
00:18:16,062 --> 00:18:18,930
Dj: Chris, wait!
491
00:18:19,065 --> 00:18:20,898
You take that shirt off.
492
00:18:20,900 --> 00:18:22,432
-What?
493
00:18:23,936 --> 00:18:27,471
-And put this on.
494
00:18:27,507 --> 00:18:29,840
-What?
-You are not a security guard.
495
00:18:29,876 --> 00:18:30,975
That much we know.
496
00:18:31,044 --> 00:18:33,410
But your positive attitude
and your sports knowledge
497
00:18:33,446 --> 00:18:36,347
Make you a natural
sales associate.
498
00:18:36,349 --> 00:18:38,549
Welcome to the omt squad.
499
00:18:38,684 --> 00:18:39,550
-Huh!
500
00:18:39,619 --> 00:18:41,752
This has been
a roller coaster of a day.
501
00:18:41,754 --> 00:18:42,520
-Yeah.
502
00:18:42,655 --> 00:18:44,555
Oh, hey, cynth.
I re-hired chris.
503
00:18:44,557 --> 00:18:46,957
I know I should have
run it by you first, but--
504
00:18:46,993 --> 00:18:47,858
-Great, whatever!
505
00:18:49,929 --> 00:18:51,328
Jen: Oh, come on!
506
00:18:51,397 --> 00:18:52,964
-What's it gonna be, blue bird?
507
00:18:53,099 --> 00:18:54,231
-It is a resounding--
508
00:18:54,300 --> 00:18:56,300
Swat 1: On your knees, the hawk!
509
00:18:58,304 --> 00:19:00,071
The hawk: Gah, impossible!
510
00:19:00,073 --> 00:19:01,338
How did you find me?
511
00:19:01,340 --> 00:19:02,640
Swat 1: Our cyber team
spotted you
512
00:19:02,709 --> 00:19:04,508
In the deep background
of a viral video.
513
00:19:04,577 --> 00:19:06,243
-I can't believe
you recognized me!
514
00:19:06,312 --> 00:19:08,645
Swat 1: I never forget
the juicy booty of an ex.
515
00:19:08,781 --> 00:19:10,114
-Is someone
shooting a movie here?
516
00:19:10,183 --> 00:19:11,882
-Shut up, this is the best part!
517
00:19:11,885 --> 00:19:14,952
-Little sparrow!
My medellín mistress!
518
00:19:16,455 --> 00:19:18,256
The hawk: How could
you have betrayed me?
519
00:19:18,258 --> 00:19:19,523
I was desperately
in love with you.
520
00:19:19,592 --> 00:19:21,525
Oh!
521
00:19:21,594 --> 00:19:23,961
The hawk: I had to keep
my options open, blue bird.
522
00:19:23,997 --> 00:19:26,463
-Are you blue bird?
-I thought you were blue bird!
523
00:19:26,533 --> 00:19:28,599
-I would have
done anything for you, hawk...
524
00:19:28,635 --> 00:19:30,401
Until I found out
you'd been cheating on me
525
00:19:30,536 --> 00:19:31,802
With my twin sister!
526
00:19:35,241 --> 00:19:36,540
-Hummingbird?!
527
00:19:36,576 --> 00:19:38,008
How could this be?
528
00:19:38,144 --> 00:19:39,376
-That was a twist!
529
00:19:39,445 --> 00:19:42,412
Cuff him.
530
00:19:42,448 --> 00:19:44,248
-Run away with me!
531
00:19:44,383 --> 00:19:47,218
I pleasure myself to you
every day, both of you!
532
00:19:47,220 --> 00:19:48,619
All of you!
533
00:19:48,688 --> 00:19:50,487
por favor...
534
00:19:54,460 --> 00:19:57,828
-What the hell
was that all about?
535
00:19:57,964 --> 00:19:59,330
-What was what about?
536
00:20:04,336 --> 00:20:07,371
Narrator: the majestic hawk soars through the air,
537
00:20:07,373 --> 00:20:08,972
Revelling in its freedom as it--
538
00:20:09,008 --> 00:20:11,842
-Crazy day, huh?
-Yeah!
539
00:20:11,978 --> 00:20:15,446
It's not every day the swat team
busts a handsome whack job
540
00:20:15,448 --> 00:20:16,647
Going on about...
541
00:20:16,683 --> 00:20:17,514
Insects.
542
00:20:17,584 --> 00:20:19,249
-I think it was birds.
-Oh, was it?
543
00:20:19,285 --> 00:20:21,485
I... I don't know.
Hmm!
544
00:20:21,554 --> 00:20:23,354
-You okay?
-Yeah!
545
00:20:23,489 --> 00:20:26,724
Yeah, I'm fine.
I'm good!
546
00:20:26,859 --> 00:20:27,958
Thanks.
547
00:20:27,994 --> 00:20:29,726
-Okay.
548
00:20:29,762 --> 00:20:30,928
-Dj?
549
00:20:31,063 --> 00:20:32,129
-Yeah?
550
00:20:32,198 --> 00:20:35,532
-Do you ever wonder
if you made the safe choice
551
00:20:35,602 --> 00:20:38,402
As opposed to the right choice?
552
00:20:38,471 --> 00:20:40,604
-I assure you, cynthia,
553
00:20:40,607 --> 00:20:42,539
You made the right choice.
554
00:20:48,281 --> 00:20:49,480
Narrator:
...And potential.
555
00:20:51,284 --> 00:20:54,151
Narrator: But even the hawk is not without its predators.
556
00:20:55,955 --> 00:20:57,455
Narrator: In one arresting swoop,
557
00:20:57,590 --> 00:20:59,489
The eagle descends upon the hawk,
558
00:20:59,525 --> 00:21:01,025
Tearing its heart out of its chest.
559
00:21:02,495 --> 00:21:07,364
Narrator: As always, mother nature be wilin'.
560
00:21:07,500 --> 00:21:08,399
-Hm!
561
00:21:08,401 --> 00:21:11,302
♪
562
00:21:11,371 --> 00:21:14,238
♪
563
00:21:14,373 --> 00:21:17,174
♪
564
00:21:17,243 --> 00:21:20,978
♪
565
00:21:20,980 --> 00:21:23,914
♪
566
00:21:24,050 --> 00:21:26,984
♪
567
00:21:26,986 --> 00:21:30,654
♪
568
00:21:30,723 --> 00:21:33,858
♪
39949
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Akan
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bemba
Bengali
Bihari
Bosnian
Breton
Bulgarian
Cambodian
Catalan
Cebuano
Cherokee
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Dutch
Esperanto
Estonian
Faroese
Finnish
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Guarani
Haitian Creole
Hausa
Hawaiian
Hebrew
Hmong
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Kinyarwanda
Kirundi
Kongo
Korean
Krio (Sierra Leone)
Kurdish
Kyrgyz
Laothian
Latin
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luganda
Luo
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mauritian Creole
Moldavian
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Montenegrin
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Persian
Polish
Portuguese (Brazil)
Portuguese (Portugal)
Quechua
Romanian
Romansh
Russian
Samoan
Scots Gaelic
Serbian
Sesotho
Setswana
Seychellois Creole
Shona
Sindhi
Sinhalese
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish (Latin American)
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Tigrinya
Tonga
Turkish
Turkmen
Ukrainian
Uzbek
Vietnamese
Welsh
Wolof