All language subtitles for Ted.S01E03.1080p.PCOK.WEB.h264-ETHEL

- ♪ My words are lazy ♪

♪ My thoughts are hazy ♪

♪ But this is one
thing I'm sure of ♪

♪ Everybody needs
a best friend ♪

♪ I'm happy I'm yours ♪

- Hey, thanks again for
picking us up, Blaire.

- Yeah, no problem. What'd
you guys end up seeing?

- "Jurassic Park."

It's, like, the greatest movie

I've ever fucking
seen, like, ever.

- Yeah, Spielberg actually
got real dinosaurs.

- Uh, yeah, I don't think so.

- No, he did.
- No, he did. He totally did.

There's no other explanation.

- I promise you guys he
did not get real dinosaurs.

- Well, that's-that's a
ignorant thing to say, Blaire,

when you didn't see the movie.

- Yeah, no, he made
"ET" and he made "Jaws"

and this was his reward.

He got real dinosaurs
to play with.

It all adds up.

- My only criticism
of the movie...

who has open cups
of water in the car?

- Oh yeah, that wasweird.

- Yeah, it's like, you
want a lid for that water?

Nah, that's OK. I'm just
riding in the jungle.

- Oh, hey, can we stop
by the video store?

I want to rent a movie.

- You justsaw a movie.

- Yeah, I know. And now,
we got dinosaur fever.

We want to see more
movies with dinosaurs.

Fine, but you got to be
quick. I got plans tonight.

- Oh, yeah? What-what
do you got going on?

- Just stuff.

- Like college stuff?

- Yes.

- Toga party?
- No.

- Fucking rush week?

- No.

- Fucking around
with the new pledges,

but then Diane goes
a little too far

and something horrible happens

but then you all kind of
work together to cover it up

and then the next day,

you just go to class
like nothing happened

but now you're all
bonded for life

by, like, a horrible secret,

and it seems like it's
all going to be OK

but then Rachel
seems a little shaky

and you wonder if she's
going to be a problem?

- What the fuck are
you talking about?

- I'm just making conversation.

- OK, you got five minutes.
Hurry up and pick something.

- OK.

Hey, Teddy.
- Yeah?

- You ever seen a porno?

- Yeah, I saw a lot of them
when I was out in Hollywood.

- They as awesome as people say?

- They are, Johnny.

- What are they like?

- Well, you turn it
on, you settle in,

you get your Kleenex
and your lotion,

and you... you
fucking go to town.

- Wow.

Sounds amazing.

- Yeah, especially
afterward when it's over

and you think
about what you did.

- Really?

- Yeah, and you
clean yourself up

but the porn's still going
on in the background,

but it seems twice as loud now.

And even though you
didn't leave the house,

you know you've contributed
to a woman's nightmare.

Oh, and you can't

shove that sock in the
hamper deep enough.

- Man, every time I come in
here and I see those doors,

it's like it's so mysterious.

The private, exclusive
adults-only room.

Master John, Master Ted.

I'm so delighted that
you've joined us.

Are we thinking of renting
some pornography this evening?

Indeed, we are, Lloyd.

- Splendid, splendid.

We have quite a fine
selection for your perusal.

Mm,
well, what would you recommend?

- Your preference, sir.

Would you like to
feel in charge,

or like an itty, bitty baby?

- I do believe I would
like to feel like a baby.

No one has
ever chosen the other one, sir.

- Yes, I would imagine not.

- Very good, sir.

I'll be right back with
your cream and kerchief.

- How's the wife, Lloyd?

- Well, sir, I'm afraid that
Clara passed away last month.

- Oh, Lloyd, we're
so very sorry.

- Thank you, sir.
She fought bravely,

but there was nothing
the doctors could do.

- And how is your
son taking the loss?

- We haven't spoken since
she passed away, sir.

I'm afraid that Jeremy blames
me for his mother's death.

- How terrible.

- Thank heaven I have my work.

Elsewise, I'm not sure I
could go on living myself.

Well, enjoy your
pornography, sir.

Jesus.

Your fantasy includes the guy
losing his wife and family?

Well I
mean, the son didn't die,

they're just estranged.

- I just feel like

by putting all that on him,
it distracts from ourstory.

- Teddy, you want
to go in there?

- In the back room?

- Yeah.

Yeah, don't you
think it's about time

I rented my first porno?

- Well, I hope you've
gotten everything done

that you need to get done ever.

- Why?

- Oh, you'll see.
Come on, let's do it.

- Hey! No one under 18
in the adult section!

- Ah, shit.

- It's all right, Johnny.
I'll go and get it.

- You hear me?

I said no one under 18!

- It's all right,
buddy. It's just me.

- You came to life in 1985.
That makes you what, eight?

- Dude, it's a little different.

- No. Rules are rules!

- Ah, shit.

- Wow, what an
amazing selection!

These are all so erotic!

- All right, if
you guys are done

humiliating
yourselves in public,

can we get out of here?

- Uh, Blaire.

- I'm not renting you porn.

- Oh, come on, you gotta.

- No, I don't.

- Blaire, I'm already 16.

OK, if I was Mormon, I'd
be a grandfather by now.

- Blaire, be a pal,
huh? Just this once.

- I'm basically an
adult already, OK?

I just want to watch
an adult movie.

- All right, fine.

- What?
- What?

- I don't have time to stand
here all day and argue.

OK, just go wait in the car.

- Holy shit. Fucking awesome!
- Oh, my God, Blaire!

You're fucking amazing, Blaire!
- Wow, Thank you so much!

Blaire, this is fucking awesome!

Thank you so much!
- Oh, you're the fucking best!

- Oh, and whatever
seems grossest to you,

that's probably what
we're going to like.

- I'm going to count to three.

- OK.

- All right, you
guys. Enjoy the movie.

- Oh, we will.

- Oh, and don't be thrown
when you turn it on.

It's black and white.

- Even better.
- Yeah, finally.

We're telling theirstories.
- Yeah, love that.

- Representation matters.

- Glad to hear it.

- OK.
- Here we go.

- We got at least an hour
before Mom gets back.

- All right, porno time!

- Whoa. "The 400 Blows."

Whoever this guy is, he's going
to be a nub by the end of it.

- Ah, French
fucking. All right.

Little hairy, but I'm on board.

- That's what the fucking's
going to sound like.

- Jesus, how the fuck long
has this been going on?

- You guys enjoying the movie?

- No! It sucks!

How the fuck is this a porno?

- Well, I rented you
guys an adult movie,

as in a movie for adults.

- Oh, you suck.

- No, no, but wait, they were
talking about ball sacks.

- Balzac.

- Yeah, exactly.
So where were they?

- Are saying you
don't like the film?

- No! No, there's no sex
at all in this movie.

Just ennui.

- I did you a favor.

- No, we want to
look at genitals.

- Trust me, it's overrated.

- Wait, what do you
mean? You watch porn?

- Uh, no.

But a guy from my school did

mail me a photo of his
dick last semester.

- Oh.

- He even shot it in sepia tone.

- Wait, so it was,
like, all old-timey?

- Yeah.

- Like, "This penis is
a Dust Bowl orphan"?

- You want the kicker?

It was flaccid.

- Wait, so he didn't
even do the work?

- Nope. Just a flaccid
dick with a fancy filter.

- Well, I guess even
a great director

can't save a bad script.

Anyway,
enjoy the movie, guys.

It's a classic.

- Fuck this.

- Everyone, Matty
and I have some news.

- Oh, man. It
finally happened.

Look, I'm sure this was
a tough decision to make,

but there's no sense in
postponing the inevitable.

You know what?

Not every marriage is
meant to last forever.

And at a certain point,

you're just throwing
good years out the bag.

- We're going out to dinner.

- Hey! That's...

one of my favorite meals.

- We're going to go out,

we're going to have a nice,
romantic evening tomorrow.

Just the two of us just because.

And we're going to
have a lovely time.

- That's right.

My wife deserves a night
out just for being her.

We're going to have a... we're
going to have a great meal,

and it's going to be terrific!

Jesus.

Take it easy.
- What?

I'm fucking happy. It's
going to be a great night.

- You know, I wonder if years
from now, we'll find out

this was all just one
big, long heart attack.

- Teddy, can I speak
to you in private?

OK, this is perfect.

Mom and Dad are going
to be out of the house

and Blaire's got school.

There will never
be a better time.

- For what?

- To rent a real porno.

- Well, how are we
supposed to do it?

That butt nut in the store
says we got to be 18.

- There's a different
guy that comes in at 6:00

for the night shift, all right?

We get fake IDs,

we go in after 6:00,
we can rent that porno.

- I don't know,
Johnny. It's a risk.

I mean, if we get caught...
- Teddy.

Watching other people
have sex on a TV screen,

that's just about the coolest
thing a person can do.

It's worth the risk.

By this time tomorrow,
that dream could be ours.

- All right. Let's
get some sleep.

We jerk at first light.
- Right.

OK. Two fake IDs.

That'll be 50 bucks.

- We got that same VCR at home.

- I don't give a shit.

- Right there.

My whole allowance
for eight weeks.

- All right, here we go. Enjoy
your new lives as adults.

- Jesus Christ, how
old is this guy?

Looks like he's 40.

- Hey, you'll be
fine, all right?

Although Ted's
took a little bit of work.

- I-I can't use this.
- Why not?

- It looks like Bob Ross.

It is. It is Bob...
this is Bob Ross.

- Well, you're a tough fit, pal.

It was either him or
a pair of UGG boots.

- Oh, yeah, laugh it up
now, but pretty soon,

I'll be having an orgasm
next to my friend.

- Yeah!

- Wait, wait,
not yet! Not yet!

That other bastard's
still there.

Act like we're just
here to rent a movie.

Ah, yes.

This looks like a
good, non-sexual film.

- Oh, yes, I have
heard many great,

non-sexual things
about this movie.

- Peter Travers calls it
"a sex-free laugh riot."

- "Time" magazine says, "about
as erotic as mom's diarrhea."

- The fuck?

- What?
- The fuck was that?

- What do you mean? I'm just
expanding on your thing.

- That's not what I was doing.

- Improv's all about
"Yes, and..." OK?

You can't just shut
me down like that

in the middle of a scene.

- Don't do "mom's diarrhea"

and then tell me how I'm
fucking supposed to do improv.

Jesus Christ.

- Hey.
- Hey.

All right.

I'm out of here.
- Later.

- Have a good one.

All right, let's move.

- Excuse me.
Uh-uh. Adults only.

Ah, yes. Of course.

How forgetful of us.
- Oh, don't worry.

This, uh, this
happens all the time.

I understand your mistake.

- Oh, my God.

- What?

- You're Bob Ross!

- Uh, yes.

Yes, I am.

- Mr. Ross, I am a
huge fan of yours.

- Oh, uh, well, thanks.

- I love your whole
artistic philosophy.

The way you assign a motion
to every tree and cloud.

- Yeah, well, great.

Um, listen, we're going to
head to the adult section

and find ourselves a
happy, little bush.

- See you in a bit.

OK.

- Wow.

Looks like you're
having quite a marathon.

- Uh, yes. It's
for a fundraiser.

- Oh, for what?

- Jerking...

for Muscular Dystrophy.

- Oh, yeah. JMD, of course.

- Hey, is there a limit on
how many tapes you can rent?

- Not for you, Mr. Ross.

All right, these tapes
are due back Thursday.

There's an $80 fee for any
missing or damaged tapes.

- That's a lot of money.

- That's a lot of porn.

- You know, other people
want to masturbate, too!

- Not tonight, pal.

OK.

Look at this place.

Isn't this a magical night?

- My sock's got
a big hole in it.

If I tear it off, will you
shove it in your purse?

- Oh, look, Matty!

They have a whole man
just for the pepper!

Oh, let's get something
that needs pepper.

- When I was his age,

I was liberating Nha
Trang hut-by-hut.

But yeah, sure. Pepper
boy's good, too.

- Gosh, everything's
just so fancy-schmancy.

I feel like Academy Awards.

- Hi there. How are we
doing tonight, folks?

- My sock's bugging me.

- Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

Can I take your order?

- Matty, he's so sweet.

What's your name?

- Kevin, ma'am.

- Kevin, you go home,
you call your mother,

and you tell her Susan
Bennett from Framingham

said you did an excellent job.

- My mother has
advanced Alzheimer's.

She has no idea who I am.

- I'll have the crab.

Let me ask
you a question there, Kev-o.

Why is the New
York strip 24 bucks

but at Rico's
Market, it's like 8?

- Well, supermarket prices
and restaurant prices

are different...
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's a pretty sweet
markup, 16 bucks for heat.

That seem fair to you, Kev-o?

- You could order
the junior steak

off the kids menu for $9.

- Now we're getting somewhere.
- OK.

See that, Susan?
He blinked first.

- Comes with your choice

of an activity booklet
or a silly straw.

- Both, Kev-o.

Pile it high and good!

- Yes, sir.

- Here you go.
- Thank you.

- Hang on. Do me a favor.

Throw this out
for me, would you?

- Wouldn't it be fun to be
a waiter on a cruise ship?

Because when you're done,
you're already home.

I'm going to tell him that.

- All right, here we go.

♪ Porno time, porno time ♪

♪ Porno, porno, porno time! ♪

Porno time!

- All right, let's put one in.
- All right.

Wait, wait. Hang on a second.

Before we start, we got
to have some ground rules.

- What do you mean?

- Well, like, where
are you sitting?

- On the couch.

- Oh, no, no, no, no.

I don't want you in my eyeline.

- OK, we could, like, build
a divider or something,

like a pillow fort.

- Yeah, I don't know. Maybe
we should watch alone.

Like in shifts.

- Yeah, I don't want
to watch porn alone.

That feels tragic.

- All right, then we'll
watch it together.

- Yeah, well that feels creepy.

- John, we're watching porn.

It's either going to
be creepy or tragic.

Those are the choices.

- All right, let's
go with creepy.

Which one are we starting with?

- How is everything?

- Oh, it's just wonderful.

- Not good, Kev-o.

The word "apple" ain't
in here anywhere.

- They allow diagonal, sir.

- Well, they should put that
in the goddamn directions!

- I'll tell the chef.

- Yeah.

- Matty, you have
to try this crab.

- No, I'm fine.

- Oh, just one bite.
It's so delicious.

- I'm fine. I got my own food.

- Just a baby bite.
- I don't want any.

- Just try. Just one bite.
- Jesus Christ, Susan.

Why is it always so important

that I have some of
what you ordered?

- I want you to
have some of this

because I think you'll like it.

- Well if I wanted
the goddamn crab,

I would have ordered
the goddamn crab!

- But in the car
on the way home,

I can say, wasn't it
good? And you'll know.

- For fuck's sake! All right!

- You'll know.
- All right!

Oh, goddamn it.

Goddamn it!

That's better than
what I ordered!

- You see? I knew
you'd like it.

Shit!

- I can't wait to
talk about it later.

I wish we were in
the car right now.

- Here.

I got something for you.

- Oh, Matty, what is it?

- Just open it. Be careful.

- A nail?

- Yeah.

Just before you're finished,

put that in what's
left of your food

and then "find" it.

Whole night will be comped.

Hey, Kev-o!

- Hi, I'm Brad.

Kevin quit.

- Oh, how about this one?

"Interracial Butt Fest."

Oh, thank you, Dr. King.

- "Anal Screwlympics VIII."

- I didn't see the first seven.
I'm not going to understand it.

- Man, this guy's running
his own three-legged race.

Oh, let's
start with this one.

- You sure that's going to work?

- Yeah, I don't know.

But all I'm thinking about right

now is my dead relatives.

- Why?

- Well, Father White once said

that if you ever masturbate,

then all your dead relatives
are up in heaven watching you.

- How is that heaven?

- Boy, you know, that
is a great point.

- I mean, are they
up there like,

"Hey, you want to go to
Abe Lincoln's house?"

"Yeah, I'd like to,

"but my nephew is
gonna jerk off,

so I got to go watch that."

- OK, so we're fine.

All right.

Oh, he's a doctor.

Looks like it's his first
day at a new hospital.

- And that's usually the day

you have sex with
everyone, right?

- Oh, it sure is, Johnny.

- Whoops.

Oh, looks like all
her clothes fell off.

Oh, here we go.

- That's a weird thermometer.

Hey, that's funny.

I thought they only took
your temperature like that

when you were a baby.

- Yeah, that's-that's not a...

- He's, like, pulling
it in and out.

It's never going to get an
accurate reading like that.

- Oh. Well, I guess
herprostate's fine.

- What happened?
- I don't know.

Tape froze.

- It's stuck.
The tape's stuck!

- Oh, shit!

- It's not coming out.
What are we going to do?

- All right. Don't
panic, don't panic.

- Don't panic?

What the fuck am
I supposed to do?

- I just need a second to think.

- No, there is a porno
stuck in the fucking VCR!

- Just let me fucking think!
- What am I supposed to do?

- Just let me fucking think!

Let me fucking think!

OK, we're going to have
to take the machine apart.

- All right.

I can't even open it.
There's no screws.

It's just rivets.

- OK, I got it, I got it.

We got to swap out VCRs.

Get rid of this one,
replace it with a new one.

- How are we going to
find a new VCR tonight?

Even if shit was still
open, we got no money.

And anyways, this
is an older model.

You probably can't even
fucking find it anymore.

- Yes, you can.

The AV room at school!
They got one there.

We can go get it tonight.

- Going into school after hours?

Won't that look suspicious?

- There's a game tonight.

The school's open.

We dress like basketball players

and if anyone sees us,

they'll think we're
there for the game.

- If we blow this, everybody's
going to know we're perverts.

- Jesus.

All this work, and we didn't
even get to have an orgasm.

- Yeah, yeah. Right.

Yeah, man, that fucking
sucks, both of us...

didn't.

- I just don't understand it.

I mean, we're not
under construction.

- Well, you know, the
good news is she saw it.

Otherwise...

She could have died.

Right, Susan?

You could have died
if you ate a nail.

- I guess I could have
died if I ate a nail.

- I am so deeply
sorry, Mrs. Bennett.

Of course, your entire
evening is comped.

And if there's anything
else we can do for you,

please tell us.

- Yeah, you see that old-timey

diver's helmet you got
there in the window?

I want you to fill
it with shrimp.

- Wasn't the crab good?

- OK, almost got it.

Ah. There we go.

OK, you stay here, I'm going to
make sure the coast is clear.

- OK.

Ice it up, Hampton.

You'll be fine.

- I don't know, Coach.

I think I heard it break.
- A little ice.

Best thing for it.

Hey, Bennett!

- Uh, yeah?

- We're a man
down. Get in there!

No forfeit! We got a
player!

- Actually, Coach,
you know I'm not...

- Now, Bennett! We
got a game to win!

- Ain't so fucking hard.

Let's get the hell out of here.

- Jesus. What a night, huh?

- Matty.

What you did there was a sin.

You lied to them.

- Ah, they lied to us first.

Goddamn steak doesn't
cost 24 bucks.

We're even.

And the best part is I
didn't even have to use this.

- What is that?

- A coupon for one free
meal at Chuck's Steak House.

So all in, we get three free
dinners for the price of one.

- Is that why you wanted
to go out to dinner?

Because you had a coupon?

- I had a beautiful woman on
my arm and I spent no money.

A perfect evening.

Andthe activity book!

Hey, Johnny!

Your old man solved
a maze tonight!

It's Friday night.

He's probably at
the basketball game.

You're going up?

- Uh, no.

I think I'll stay up for
a while and watch TV.

- Suit yourself.

Mwah!

I'm going to roll around
in bed and try to burp.

- Oh...

- Oh, yeah!
- Yes!

Oh, my God!

Hey.

Knock it off.

- You know, I just
realized we probably

could have just dressed like
ourselves going to the game.

- Hey, shh! The
lights are out.

Mom and Dad must be asleep.

All right, I'll swap it out.
You make sure no one's coming.

- Right.

- All right, it's done.

- Not quite. We still
got to get that tape out.

- The fuck?

- Oh, shit.
- It's gone!

- OK, let's- let's
just calm down here.

- What do you mean calm
down? The tape's gone!

- It can't just be gone.
It's got to be somewhere.

- Oh, shit.

Ah shit.
- What, what, what?

- Somebody found it.

Somebody found it
and they took it.

- Oh, shit.

OK, tomorrow, when everyone's
out, we search the house.

- What if we don't find it?

- Then we'll have to

rent the same movie
from another store

and return it to the first store

and we'll have to do
that every three days

until the end of time.

- Oh, my God.

- Yeah. Like a Pornzi scheme.

Yeah, we're in trouble, but we
can still have fun with words.

- Bless me, Father,
for I have sinned.

- Hello, Susan.

- Oh, dear.

I wish you'd close it this time.

- We're all sinners
in God's eyes.

- Well...

I saw a porno, Father.

- Oh.

And how did you come
to see this, Susan?

- Matty left it in the VCR.

Earlier that night,
we went out to dinner.

And I thought he was

taking me out for
a romantic evening

just the two of us, so
I got all dressed up.

And he didn't even notice.

And then I found out
that he had a coupon.

And that's why he
wanted to go out.

And Father, maybe...

I'm not what he wants anymore.

- Susan, I'm sure it's
not as bad as all that.

Husbands and wives have
different sensibilities.

There's a reason
the Lord made it

so that a man can masturbate
and a woman cannot.

- W-well, that's true.

- And as for what you saw,

God understands that
you didn't seek it out.

And as long as the man
and the woman in the film

are married and not
using birth control,

I don't think you have
anything to worry about.

- It wasn't just
a man and a woman.

There-there was
another woman, too.

- I see.

- Although she wasn't
really participating.

She was just sort of
choking the other girl.

- Well, Matty is your husband.

And if one of you is
bored in the marriage,

then the other may
wish to consider

how to address that and ways
to make things more exciting.

Remember, nothing is wrong if
you don't enjoy it too much.

- Well, I could certainly try.

- Good, good.

So the choking, was
she upset by it?

- Or...
- I should probably get home.

- All right. To be continued.

- No.

- Johnny!

Johnny, I found it.

- Oh, fuck. Thank God.

- I know. I just
saved us bucks.

- Wait, where was it?

- Well, it was, uh...

it was in Susan's
underwear drawer.

- What?

- Yeah, it was behind the ones
with the pineapples on it.

- No, no, no! I don't want to
hear about my mom's underpants.

- Oh, but her diarrhea you
bring up at the drop of a hat.

- Teddy, do you know
what this means?

Mom found "Genital Hospital."

She knows I watch porn!

- Oh, boy. It looks that way.

- I can never face her again.

We have to run away,
never to return.

- I see no other option.

- I'm going to miss this house.

Goodbye, water-stained ceilings.

- Goodbye, silverware drawer
that doesn't close all the way.

- Goodbye, windows painted shut.

- Goodbye, door you have
to lean on to close.

- Goodbye, peeling wallpaper
that reveals other wallpaper.

- Goodbye, carpet
that's never been dry.

- Goodbye, unpermitted
bathroom addition.

- Goodbye, lamp that shocks
you every time you touch it.

- Goodbye, picture of a
pope from two popes ago.

- Goodbye, plastic bag
full of plastic bags.

- Goodbye, medicine cabinet
with black mold in the corner.

- Jesus, let's get
the fuck out of here.

- Yeah, no shit.

- We sure would like it

if you'd help us
with our problem.

- Only problem
you've got, Sheriff,

is a short supply of guts.

You people don't need me.

Look, place at least
a couple good riflemen

on top of that
building up there.

Maybe a couple more
with shotguns down

behind green bags over there.

- What you watching?

- "High Plains Drifter."

It's Clint Eastwood week.

- Oh.

What's it about?

- Oh, he's a cowboy.

But at the end, you
realize he's a ghost.

But he can still shoot a gun,

so, you know, not like...
he's not like a real ghost.

- Matty, honey,

can we talk about that movie

that you were
watching yesterday?

- I can't remember what it was.

They're all kind
of the same movie.

- Are you entertained by them?

- I'm a guy. I mean,
all guys like 'em.

- Is that what you want?

What you see in those movies?

- God no. I just...
I just watch 'em.

- Well is there
one you like best?

- I like "Every
Which Way But Loose."

- Oh.

- Yeah, that one's crazy.

There's a monkey that
gives everybody the finger.

Oh.

- Yeah, I'd love to see that.

- Wow.

It is getting hot in here.

Powerful hot.

- We can't run the
air conditioner.

Found a dead bird in it.

Repair guy says we got to
wait till its guts dry out

before we run the unit again.

- Well I wouldn't
know about that.

I'm just a girl.

- What are you doing?

- I wanted a banana.

- Well, then eat it.

Why the hell are
you staring at me?

- Because...

I've been bad.

- What do you mean
you've been bad?

You...

oh, Jesus Christ, Susan.

Is that the last one?

God damn it!

Now what am I supposed
to have for my snack?

Oh! Oh great, Susan!

A Pringles can with one left!

That'll be satisfying!

Ow!

Fucking lamp shocked me again!

- Yeah?

Aunt Suze, what's up?

- Blaire, can I talk
to you for a minute?

- Sure. Yeah, come on in.

What, uh, what's the matter?

- Well...

last night, Matty and
I went out to dinner.

I got all dressed up.

I rubbed on a Clinique
sampler from Redbook.

I don't even think he noticed.

And then when we got
home, I turned on the TV.

And I found...

- What?

- A porn.

- Oh.

- I think Matty's
been watching porns.

- Right.

- Do you think maybe he...

doesn't think I'm
exciting anymore?

Am I a disappointment?

- No, absolutely not, Aunt Suze.

Listen to me.

You are probably the most
wonderful person that I know.

- But if that's what he
wants, what can I do?

I don't want to have
to choke other women.

- Yeah, I don't
think you need to.

- But I'll do it if
that's what Matty wants.

- No, let's not go
down that route.

- I'll do what those women did.

- I really don't think
that's necessary.

- I-I-I'll even do what
Dr. Sausage did in that movie.

I'll do it.
- OK...

- I'll do it.
- Stop.

Look.

This is difficult for
me to say, but, um,

the tape you found...

it's mine.

- What?

- I'm sorry.

I apologize for
being so careless.

I never should have
left it in the VCR.

It was stupid.

- So it's not Matty's?

- No, it's not.

- Oh! Oh, my God!

Oh, I'm so relieved!
- Good.

- I thought Matty
was bored with me.

Oh, Blaire.

I... ew.

Why did you have a porn?

- I would say a porn-o.

Just hits the ear better.

- Why were you watching porn-o?

- Well, OK, in that
context, you'd say porn.

See, if there's an article
in front of it like an "a"

or a "the," it's aporno.

But if not, it's just porn.

- I'm just not going
to say it anymore.

- OK. Look, to answer
your question, it...

it was a sorority thing.

We rented a dirty movie.

It was... you know
how sororities are.

It's like a prank.

- Oh! Oh, it was a prank.

- Yeah.
- Oh!

So Matty and I are just fine!

- I would say this one
thing isn't a problem.

But it's...

well, I'd call it
a work in progress.

And for the record, Aunt Suze,

I don't think anybody ever
could be bored with you.

Matty is not great
at communication.

But unless he's completely
blind or insane,

I bet he still loves
you a whole lot.

- Come here.
- Mm.

- Aw.

I hope one day,
you'll find yourMatty.

- Oh, that's...

I'm going to be just fine.

- Let's pray.

- Where are we
going to go, Teddy?

- I was thinking Saudi Arabia.

I hear nobody's ashamed
to masturbate there.

- What do you think they're
doing back at the house?

- Probably the same thing
we're doing but with a table.

- God.

We watched six seconds of
porn and it ruined our lives.

- Relax, losers.

Your lives aren't ruined.

Yet.

- Blaire.

Oh, you're a sight for
sore eyes, you are.

Good Lord, look
how you've grown.

- How'd you find us?

- Uh, harmonica
music really carries.

Listen, uh, you don't have
to worry about the porno,

all right?

I took the heat for you.

- What?

- I told Aunt Suze
that the tape was mine.

You can come home now.

- Blaire, you...
you did that for us?

- Uh, no. I really
did it for Susan.

She was upset enough because
she thought it was Matty's.

If she found out it was yours,
she'd probably cry for a year.

- Jesus Christ, Blaire.
Thank you so much.

- Yeah.

- We really owe you big time.

- Oh, yeah, you do.

Now, put out your dumb fire
and let's get out of here.

- I love that plan.
Because you know what?

We got a porno to return.

- And I'll tell you one thing.

I would never watch porn again.

Even if it was
everywhere, all the time.

Even if I had, like, a weird,
little device in my pocket

that would give it to
me whenever I wanted

so I could jerk off
at a moment's notice.

No. Never again.

narrator: John
kept his promise.

For the next two years.

Then, within five minutes
of discovering the internet,

he pulled on his penis so hard,

it damn near came off.

That didn't deter him

from masturbating
four more times

before going to a
local urgent care,

where he waited eight hours

in line behind
dozens of other men

who had also nearly
pulled their penises off

after discovering the internet.

And now, today,
anyone you talk to

has jerked off within
the last 20 minutes.

This is Ian McKellen,

reminding you: don't
shake anyone's hand.

Good night.

- ♪ Oh, you've got a headful
of someone dreadful ♪

♪ And yet, alas, that
someone adores you ♪

♪ Everybody needs
a best friend ♪

♪ I'm happy I'm yours ♪

♪ I'm just a clown ♪

♪ And I'll bring you down ♪

♪ But you just don't
care 'cause your ♪

♪ Best friend is me ♪