All language subtitles for LAF1994

Valentine's Day is two weeks away, but Cupid is very busy.

His arrow's struck Lynn Weaver...

a talk-show host worth $ 100 million...

whose popular program has spawned a TV empire...

announced her marriage this afternoon.

The lucky groom-to-be...

is former NFL quarterback and aging playboy Mike Gambril...

who is a sportscaster for NBC in Los Angeles.

You look good with your collar up like that.

Mike, nice catch!

Lynn Weaver and Mike Gambril...

the aging sports stud and the popular talk-show host...

have everyone talking about their engagement.

Mike is a sportscaster for an LA affiliate.

But how he got that job is the real news.

Sources say Lynn got Mike the job...

but so far the quarterback has been fumbling.

If that doesn't make her think twice...

there's Mike's reputation for playing the field.

This is my favorite part. I like this.

Who's standing on the cake with her?

One-time NFL backfield coach Mike Gambril.

Perfect timing.

When you get back from Australia...

we go in, we renegotiate your deal.

Mike, what time is your flight?

Can I make a call?

People are batshit over you two getting married. It's perfect.

You're the lawyer.

Don't hold me to it, but in the next few weeks...

I can get in excess of $200,000.

If Lynn can get you on a Wednesday night special, the sky's the limit.

I mean, who's going to say no to Lynn Weaver?

Did you hear when I said "the sky's the limit"?

- You got a date? - For what?

The wedding.

The wedding! We're getting there.

What do you mean?

Don't louse this up for me.

- Would I do that? Calm down. - I am calm.

I was thinking we should have it on TV. Ever think of that?

I'm joking. I'm joking.

I'm glad I caught you. You forgot your watch.

- I wondered where it was. - The editing room.

The editing room, yeah.

Thanks.

- Safe trip. - Bye. Thanks.

- Who removes their watch in editing? - I do.

Sweet. Very nice.

What did she take off?

Don't louse this up, huh?

I'm telling you, he's not on the flight.

Wait, I see him.

Don't worry, I'll get the picture.

You'll get your Lynn Weaver story.

You wanted a picture of the tattoo on Tom Arnold's ass.

I got you a picture. You think you can do better?

- Mr. Gambril, welcome. - I'll take those.

Thanks.

The flying time for the L.A. Leg of our New York to Sydney flight...

should be 13 hours and 47 minutes.

- What can I get you to drink? - Only a pillow.

The temperature in Sydney should be the same as it is here, 68 degrees.

Excuse me, I think that's my...

I thought these things were extinct.

Mike Gambril, what a thrill!

I've been watching you sleep. How are you?

I've seen you play 1000 times.

I'm Herb Stillman.

This is my wife, Nora.

She's a fan of yours, too.

You've given us 1000 thrills!

I'm glad you stopped coaching.

I'm trying to watch the movie.

Mike Gambril.

Really? Hi. Terry.

- How are you? - Good.

I'd like...

It's true, he's given me 1000 thrills.

- But coaching is a thankless job. - Herbie?

- Herbie? - Yes, Nora, sweetheart?

Excuse me.

Can you help me? I can't figure out 23 across and 15 down.

I have an empty seat here.

You two can come up here and sit beside each other. Come on.

Your son wouldn't have to...

I hate to tell you, but this is my grandson.

It's Matthew.

Shake hands with Mike Gambril.

- Come on up here, I insist. - Thank you very much.

Did that look stupid? I know I looked stupid. Was anyone watching?

- No. - Good.

I must say, at my age 14 hours is 14 hours, know what I mean?

It's 14 hours of my life.

We only have six more hours, but...

I don't even know what time zone I'm in.

I took off from LA...

9000 miles to Sydney on Friday...

then back to New York for the weekend...

and back to LA on Tuesday.

- Can I help you? - I'm sorry, I'm in the wrong place.

Literally. I'm up in the air all the time.

You do that on any kind of ongoing basis...

you become...

completely...

- Disoriented? - Disoriented.

Disoriented.

And... and...

Isolated?

Isolated, yeah.

Isolated.

How long are you gonna be in Sydney?

Two days.

Two days!

- Actually, two and a half. - Me too.

But I'm lucky, I don't travel on an ongoing basis.

I don't worry about feeling isolated.

That's good.

This is your captain. Please fasten your safety belts.

- Let me get that. - No, I...

- I'll get it. - No, really, I...

I'd rather...

This will look fantastic.

- Is that for a coat or a dress? - A sailboat.

A sailboat?

- Don't want to lose these. - Thank you.

All right. Here we go.

- Good-looking guy. - I think so.

Stockbroker?

He's an investment banker.

- What firm? - Shearson Leahman.

- Don't tell me he runs it. - Actually, he does.

What is he, 30, 35?

He's young.

- Amazing! - What's that?

Memory loss is not necessarily related to aging.

- Memory loss? - Absolutely.

It's usually stress, change. Change creates stress.

The bigger the change, the greater the stress.

It must be overwhelming. The mind is like a computer.

It can only process so much information before it farkles.

- Farkles? - Breaks down. Crashes.

Don't be embarrassed. It's experience overload.

That's why you have a black book.

- What are we talking about? - Us. You don't have a clue, do you?

Don't be embarrassed. You've been a very busy man for a long time.

I'm a big girl.

You look clammy. Are you all right?

Me? I'm fine.

Mike, it's no big deal. Not every experience in life is memorable.

You've been with many women. It's understandable.

I hate root beer. Come on, it's funny!

What? To hear you call a wonderful experience forgettable?

What would you call it?

You didn't say anything, so I didn't.

I'm not going to embarrass you.

That's hilarious.

One thing about me, I don't forget.

I know when I forget something.

If you know what you forgot, you didn't forget it.

We've been experiencing trouble with one of our engines.

Actually, two engines on the right wing.

We have to make an unscheduled landing.

There's a landing site on a Cook Island atoll.

Attendants, please review the emergency landing procedures.

We should be on the ground very shortly.

He found an atoll. We got a place to land.

It's a sunken volcano.

He's got a place to land.

There's nothing but water out there! No lights, no land!

They do this all the time with coordinates and vectors.

With no engine on the right wing?

He can land on one engine.

It's fine.

I spend my life on planes. Don't worry.

Let's hear it! Let's hear it!

- What? - Excuse me.

As we're on a rather small landing strip built during World War II...

there's no immediate possibility of moving you by air from the island.

But we have three ships nearby...

to ferry our passengers to Fiji, Tahiti or Hawaii...

one of which you can see moored to our right.

We'll help you make connections from any of these airports.

If you'll return to your seats...

our flight attendants will give you information.

Thank you.

Tahiti, Fiji or Hawaii?

Go with what you know. I know Tahiti. They're all 2 or 3 days away.

Days?

Forget Sydney for me.

- Really? - Yeah.

I gotta call New York. Do the ships have phones?

- Sometimes. - Really?

Well... congratulations.

- For what? - Lynn Weaver.

Tell her from me she has a gallant fianc?

I know Hawaii, so have a nice trip.

Thank you. You, too.

Don't get too disoriented.

Terry, I want you to read this and give me your opinion.

Chernobyl. That's good. Chernobyl.

That cloud went around the earth.

Want hear a poem? Listen to this:

Oh, Chernobyl cloud

Chernobyl cloud What did you do?

Yesterday I had one head Today I have two

Excuse me. This boat does stop at Raiatea?

Raiatea, Tangiroa, Huahine and Morea.

- Is Raiatea the first stop? - Can we talk?

I'd like to make a phone call to Sydney.

No telephone! Send telegram.

How do I send one?

Form in stateroom. Fill out. Hang on door.

- Do you happen to have a form? - Form in stateroom. Fill out!

I understand! I'm asking nicely, do you have a form?

It's 5:30. If you don't go to bed...

we'll sleep all day tomorrow. The toilet in my room doesn't flush!

Good morning, Miss MclKay. Welcome to our beautiful Belorussia.

You'll be in stateroom 21.

What happened to Hawaii?

It was another 4 hours.

- That's terrible! - I know.

Where is the telephone?

There is none. There's radiotelegraph.

You fill out the form and hang it on the door.

Will you be sure Miss MclKay's bags go to her room?

- Excuse me. - Oh, hello.

Smooth.

We can work our way around here.

- Is this uncomfortable for you? - What?

Given our history and...

I don't think we want to give people the wrong idea.

- Why ask for trouble? - Right.

- You do attract attention, you know. - As do you.

- And very deservedly, I might add. - Thank you.

But I'm nothing if not discreet. That's common knowledge.

If it were, you wouldn't be discreet. I'm fine with our history.

Thank you.

- You know what it is? Your hair. - Longer.

- It was a lot longer. - Now it's longer.

That's what I mean. But there's more red in it.

- Not really. - No, not really.

It probably looks more red because it's longer.

But that's not how I get a sense of someone. This is my room.

There's 21.

Mike, you were nice on the plane.

You serious?

Let me ask you, when you think about us...

what do you remember most?

We only saw each other once.

You tripped on a bag in front of a hotel as I got a cab.

We never met.

Beautiful luggage.

I do have a weakness for nice things.

Me, too. Nice things are nice.

Better get to work on those telegrams.

He says, it's honor to have you all aboard.

That we are proud to offer help in moment of crisis.

- We love Americans. - Watch.

We were in Hawaii last year...

at the same hotel as Alex Trebeck.

- Really? - Don't drink the water.

Hey, the coach is here!

Mr. Gambril, I'm the captain.

On behalf of captain, welcome to our happy table.

- Herb, Nora. - And you know...

We met briefly.

- Miss...? - MclKay.

- Nice to see you again. - Certainly nice to see you again.

Please, sit there.

Over there is good, too.

Wally Tripp.

Good to meet you.

Radiotelegram.

If you don't make a friend of TV it exploits your misery.

You're miserable, you watch TV, you escape, you see more misery.

- Violence, war... - I tell you, TV has been good to me.

Mike, you're in local TV now, right?

You have to make a friend of television.

$ 75?

Small school, tiny school, no money, no bucks.

How do you say, "You can be great?"

- What's the toughest thing? - Getting them to listen?

- Or getting them to think? - The great ones don't.

What do you mean?

They react. They don't have to think.

What're you talking about?

Are you saying a football player is greater if he doesn't think?

I like watching you move.

Excuse me.

Basically, I'm in TV, too, now.

Hey, you.

Hi, how are you?

See the heavyset guy at the bar with a camera?

He was traumatized by the landing last night. He's so sweet.

I couldn't even get him to come to the table.

- I can do that. - Would you?

I'll do that for you.

That's so nice of you.

What are you doing?

Watching you move.

I saw what was going on with you and the captain.

I'm not gonna put up with it another moment, understand me?

They may be pretty faces, but they're shallow.

Thank you, dear, I just...

I needed to hear you say that.

Did she fall for it?

The silly story of the plane going down and moving to a Russian ship.

She doesn't ask a lot of questions.

- Is that good? - I think so.

You don't play around, do you?

No, but I think I might have to if I were involved with someone like you.

But you wouldn't. You're way too fussy.

- Fussy? - Cautious.

Playing around is like this.

Too much is bad for you, but a little raises the HDLs.

- HDLs? - Good for the heart.

Is it?

I think that might be difficult for you.

Is that so?

It might be.

But you can get a little wet, even if you're fussy.

Miss MclKay.

Radiotelegram.

I'll be right back.

Alka-Seltzer, for headache. My wife has a headache.

It's me.

It's me.

Hello, honey.

- She was drunk. - You're drunk.

- I'm not drunk! - I see you're drunk.

- You're at the bar, flirting. - I do not flirt!

You do flirt!

You gonna marry him?

Forget that.

What do you mean, a sailboat?

A coat or a dress I can understand.

But a sailboat?

That's what I'm doing in Sydney. I'm decorating a sailboat.

- A red one. - You're a decorator?

I'm a musician.

What do you play?

Piano, I guess. I don't know. I teach it.

But I also write songs and I sing.

You sure sound like you sing.

Yeah, I sing. I'm big. I'm very big.

Ray Charles sings, "You got the right one" and someone goes, "Uh-huh"...

in certain South American countries, that's me.

Also, I have dabbled in waitressing...

but at the apex of my music career and my food service career...

I met a man and I helped him decorate his apartment in New York.

Then I decorated his Hampton house and his house in Palm Beach.

Then I decorated his apartment in Sydney.

If his acquisition of Virgin succeeds...

I'm sure I'll decorate something in London.

But at the moment, it's a sailboat.

It's red. It's nice.

- You gonna marry him? - Yeah, I guess. I hope so.

I'm madly in love with him.

What?

Come here.

All right?

- I really should go. - No, don't.

I think so. I think so.

- Don't think. - Right.

The great ones don't, huh?

- How you doing? - How are you?

I'd like to send the lady a drink.

A glass of tomato juice, two raw eggs and a shot of vinegar.

About last night...

Listen...

You don't want to mess up your life any more than I do mine.

Well...

You can get a small plane tonight to Tahiti, then to Sydney.

This boat will take two days to reach an airport. You can get there tonight.

I'm gonna run along.

Big shuffleboard game?

As a matter of fact, I know a woman who lives on the next island.

I'm shocked and amazed.

She's amazing. Want to come?

Do you feel you need a chaperon?

- She's my aunt. - Your aunt?

A couple hours with a guy and his aunt... Meet me in 20 minutes.

Do you have an aunt on every island?

Your aunt?

Sure.

Oh, ducks!

Out! Go on.

Holy Moses! Get!

For God's sake, Michael! What are you doing here?

- You're the only restaurant in town. - This is a surprise.

She's a surprise, too. You, her, what a surprise.

You certainly have got yourself a handful.

Actually, no, I don't.

He's got the handful? Good. Very good. It's about time.

I like that.

You've got the wrong girl.

I say, you're a knockout in person and look so much younger.

Do they make you up on television?

This is not Lynn, this is Terry MclKay.

We were on a plane together and we had to land on the islands and...

Why were you on a plane together?

- We were going to Australia. - We're friends.

This isn't Lynn.

Friends?

- This isn't the girl you'll marry? - No.

Well...

- We gotta be back on the boat by 5. - It's nice to meet you.

Friends?

Rau, come and look who's here.

So...

Well...

How's the new job?

How is it? Is it fun?

Is it satisfying, at least?

Say no more. Say no more.

Eloquent, isn't he? A born broadcaster.

How are you doing?

This is Rau. Terry MclKay.

- Look at you! How big he is! - Come see the little one.

We're going to see the baby. Be right back.

What do you think of your brother?

Tell me, as a friend, what do you think of Michael's fianc矇e?

Well, we just met, Mike and I.

- You're a new friend? - I haven't met Lynn.

Neither have I, as I'm sure you've gathered by now.

- Are you in broadcasting? - No.

- What do you do? - Music.

- Music? - Music.

Your house is beautiful.

It's rather nice.

I'd never leave here.

I hope you don't feel awkward being here with Michael...

when he's engaged.

I'm engaged myself.

Are you happy?

I'd better be. I have everything I want.

- That's what Michael says. - Why do you think he's wrong?

I didn't say he was wrong.

Naive, maybe.

The trick in life isn't getting what you want...

it's wanting it after you get it.

For people like you and Michael, the getting is easy.

Would you like something to eat?

Thanks, but don't go to any trouble.

No, it's no trouble at all.

Your horses are beautiful. They seem devoted.

Bernard and Sophie? They're devoted, but then they're stuck on an island.

Horses are not monogamous.

I made this tea cake yesterday.

Could you slice it for me, please?

Swans, of course, are.

- Are what? - Monogamous.

- They are? - Unremittingly.

You make them sound almost boring.

- I mean... - I know what you mean.

- Roosters? - Not monogamous.

You've heard?

- Do you find them boring? - Depends on the rooster.

What about ducks?

What about ducks?

They're worse. They're promiscuous, and they are terribly indiscreet.

- I try not to make judgements. - About what?

About whether or not somebody wants to...

if you'll excuse the expression...

fuck a duck.

Please don't misunderstand. I'm not recommending it.

But I don't necessarily view it as a moral failure.

No. I mean, no. How long were you married?

Dearie, I am married, although he died 12 years ago.

I am married.

Haven't we forgotten something?

Yes. Forks.

If I'd known I was going to live to 86...

I wouldn't have let the maid go.

You like it?

Very much.

Michael did it.

- Back when he played football. - Does he still paint?

I don't think so. I doubt he has the time.

He's so busy...

in other places...

pursuing other things...

if you'll excuse the expression...

other ducks.

Other ducks.

But I'm not sure Michael is a duck.

He does a pretty good imitation of one.

Sometimes I feel he's desperate.

Impostors are usually desperate to behave...

like what they know they're not.

But as a duck...

I have no doubt he's very credible and highly energetic.

You're worried about him?

I didn't say I was worried about him.

I hope you won't turn out to be one of those irritating women...

who think they can read minds.

Okay. I'm worried.

Why?

I just...

I just want him to have what I had.

I've been lucky. I always knew what I wanted.

He's settling down, isn't he?

Michael may just be the ugly duckling who doesn't know he's a swan.

He thinks he's a duck. He'll probably continue to behave like a duck...

until he finds another swan.

Maybe he's found one.

I'm quite sure he's found one.

Five o'clock.

- You must go? - Yes.

- May I...? - Thank you.

Thank you.

I wore this when I was married.

Beautiful.

Well, off you go.

These petals are supposedly the hands...

of a Polynesian princess.

It's been hanging around for 62 years...

and it's still holding together.

I wish I could say the same for myself.

We'll see you soon.

We've got an hour and a half before the plane.

- Shuffleboard? Bingo? - Bingo?

Forget the bingo.

It was a good day. Thanks.

You're right. I'd better go pack.

We're heading into a rough sea.

Mike, let's forget the plane. We have two days.

- Will he be at the gate? - IKen?

Yeah.

- Lynn? - Yeah.

Excuse me, what would you like for lunch?

- I'm not gonna have anything. - Neither will I.

- All right. - Thank you.

- Did you say something? - No.

Ladies and gentlemen...

we'll be on the ground shortly.

The temperature in New York is 41 degrees.

Let me take this opportunity to thank you for flying with us.

If you travel to our part of the world...

we look forward to seeing you again.

It's about that time.

Excuse me, it's time to put up your seat.

Thank you.

Well, it won't be long now.

- Happy? - What?

- What makes you happy? - You're embarrassing me.

- Is that an embarrassing question? - What makes you happy?

Embarrassing you.

I'm happy when I don't want to be anyplace but where I am.

You happy now?

You know I've never been faithful to anyone in my life.

- Is your father alive? - My father?

No.

- Why? - What would he say to you about me?

He'd say, "You're hung up on a guy...

because you cruised around Bali Hai for 3 days? Isn't that nutty?"

It's nutty to get hung up on a guy like that.

- It is? - It's crazy.

You don't know if the guy likes kids.

See? The subject never even came up.

It should.

I mean, if you really want to...

Take a chance?

Take a chance on this guy.

Make him wait.

Make him get his life in order.

Even maybe go so far as to find his own job.

How long should I make him wait?

Three months?

- Three months? - Three months.

If he's worth it, he'll be there.

Where will you be...

on May 8th at 5:02 p. m.?

We'll land in a few minutes.

- Want to think it over? - Do you?

Absolutely not.

Top of the Empire State Building?

It's not the tallest building anymore, but you can't miss it.

May 8th, 5:02 p. m.?

- Nervous? - Oh, yeah.

Look...

If one of us doesn't show...

we won't pester each other, okay? No phone calls, no contact.

All or nothing. We'll never speak again.

All right. If you're not there, I'll understand.

If you're not, I'll understand.

I'll be there.

Do you like kids?

Yeah.

- Terry! - What?

I like watching you move.

Good.

I like watching you move.

You go first.

Okay.

- Here he comes. - There he is, let's go.

Make sure we get both of them.

Let's set a wedding date right now.

Over here!

Lynn, give us a date.

- How about another kiss? - Give us a commitment, Mike!

A little closer together.

Terry! Terry, over here.

Lynn, is it true you're part of a group trying to buy NBC?

Lynn, when will you give Mike his own show?

Will Mike be on your April special?

Charlie, get the bags.

Okay, let's get out of here.

Get back to me about the Dallas affiliate problem.

Great.

How was your trip?

Trip...

We have to talk about that?

- Mr. Edwards is on the phone. - Thank you.

Hello?

Not interested.

Next?

I don't need another bank.

I've got banks falling over each other to get in on this deal.

If they're that eager...

and they want to have lunch with me, I'll listen.

What else? No, tell Hong IKong they can wait.

Just tell them they can wait.

We've got enough for three months, six months.

Miss MclKay?

Miss MclKay, may I have the key to your bags?

Annie, don't unpack.

What? If you wanted limousines...

you should've stayed with Lynn. That'll go in the back.

You bring gas money?

Oh, okay.

Now I got it.

All I was asking for was a reason. You changed your mind.

- We don't need to talk about it. - Good.

That's what Campbell's soups are:

Lou, can you take something from the 5th take...

and combine it with something from the 16th take?

That's what Campbell's soups are:

Good job.

That's what Campbell's soups are:

- Ed was good. - Ed was great.

That's a wrap, ladies.

Terry, can I speak to you for a second?

- Are you coming? - See you later.

Ed was great.

- Dinner at his place? - A weekend in the country.

- The Hamptons? - The Vineyard.

Did you say yes?

No.

What do you do for money when you're not singing about soup?

- Good question. - I have an idea if you're interested.

We're persona non grata at Weaver Productions. So what?

If you're meant to be with Lynn, you'll end up with Lynn.

I'm with you on this. Let's let nature take its course.

- You want to call her? - No.

I was joking anyway.

It's Sheldon, your accountant!

What a surprise. What are the chances of that?

- How you doing? - It's been a while.

I haven't seen you since '89 when we got audited.

Uncle Sam said we couldn't deduct a $60,000 Porsche as an office.

I told him it had a phone.

It's perfect that you came by because...

we were just discussing some big career changes for Mike.

Maybe this would be a good time to review his financial status.

TV not working out?

The Lynn thing is not going great.

What's the next move?

I'm not sure.

You have a pretty healthy nut here.

You got the leases on the houses, the lease on the car.

Restaurant bills. Did you ever consider eating at home?

What do I have in reserve?

I'm not sure what you mean by "reserve."

I've had some good years.

Yes, but that was before me, Mike.

Remember the fried chicken? We lost a bundle.

That was great chicken.

If any chicken had a chance of taking off...

You've never been an aggressive saver.

That was never important to you.

What happens if I...

- If I, like, simplified my life? - Give up Call Waiting?

Get rid of the guy who takes care of your house while you're on the road?

Get rid of me? You can do your own taxes, pay your own bills.

When did you last write a check?

You don't even know what a stamp costs.

Good. Very subtle. Would you give us a few minutes?

I don't know what a stamp costs.

Who needs to know that? You go to the post office and ask for one.

They don't ask, "How much is it?"

- Twenty-nine cents. - Twenty-nine? When did that happen?

- What is the deal with you? - I want to simplify my life.

When it comes to my life. But you have a great life. I love your life.

It's my life, right?

I want to wake up and be excited about what I do.

What makes you happy? What do you want?

I don't know.

Something to do with the game.

- Paint. - Paint.

I don't like what I've been doing. After a while, you forget.

- What do you forget? - What it's like to love something.

Really?

I'm gonna set up a physical for you, if that's all right.

I never felt better in my life.

Blue urban barn jacket?

Single dad, doctor.

Father-IKnows-Best vest?

Single dad, real estate.

Single dad, lawyer.

You don't care.

I know.

- I do. - It's 10:00.

Everybody, come to the middle!

Say hello to someone new.

This is her first day. Remember yours?

Say hello to Terry!

You're in. Let's go.

Hey! Don't you get a special nostalgic rush...

every time you eat at Chasen's?

First it's Ron and Nancy, then...

Two more bowls of borscht. Want some?

Give me a couple more bowls. I could eat 100 of those.

Then it's Sid Caesar, next day you see...

I have something to tell you.

Hold it. I got something more important.

Willie Mays, 1954.

You know what this is worth? Neither do I.

It's probably gone up $10 since we've been here.

These guys get hundreds of dollars just to sign a baseball.

They put Ernie Banks in a room with 10,000 baseballs...

and let him go until his hand cramps.

- You want me to sign footballs? - That's not what I meant.

But it's not a bad idea.

Your autograph would sell like hotcakes.

I'm talking about something bigger. Listen, this is huge.

Home Shopping Network.

You're not following me.

I've talked to them. They'd give you a piece of the real estate.

Five percent on every card, every ball...

every jockstrap that you sell.

You'd have fun. Talk to Mickey Mantle one day, then...

Nellie Fox, Johnny Unitas.

Nellie Fox is dead. He had cancer.

I know that.

I wasn't talking about Nellie Fox, the Nellie Fox.

I was using that as a generic.

You're not getting the point.

- I ordered two. - I thought you were joking.

You'll know when I'm joking.

Sorry, I'll bring another.

Would you buy a jock from this man?

Look, that is not the average.

I took a coaching job today.

I took a coaching job.

Great.

A coaching job?

- Where? - Hillsboro State Teachers College.

Boy, I'm not familiar with that institution.

It's in western Pennsylvania between Erie...

and Loretto Federal Penitentiary.

Good place.

God, what has happened to you?

Then he starts with the DNA.

He says it's the basic structure of life.

It exists only to replicate itself.

True.

Which it does in a woman every 9 months, but in a man...

it could replicate itself millions of times a day.

He's trying to tell me DNA forces men...

to screw around more than women. It forces them!

A guy dumb enough to tell me he'll screw around before he screws me...

can take his DNA and replicate it up his ass.

But he's telling the truth. Sooner or later they all screw around.

It's always the boys against the girls.

The boys always try to run up the score.

Look, I gotta go. All right?

Friday. Right?

Bye, babe.

That makes you uncomfortable. Talking about men.

- No. Why? - You never talk about them.

What would I say?

You never date them, either.

If you have some other sexual preference, you can just say so.

You're among friends.

Hey, thanks. And vice versa.

All right!

- Nice to see you again. - How are you?

Would you take these to my room?

Not the painting. Just leave that. I'm in a tiny touch of a hurry.

There seems to have been a mistake. Don't you usually take a suite?

No mistake. The cheaper the better.

Come in.

Now I get it.

What?

Come in.

IKen!

Hi...

How are you?

- You look good. - So do you.

I'm in a hell of a rush.

- What time is it? - It's 4:35.

I found a few of your things at the apartment you might like.

- Terry, can we talk? - I can't now.

I was an idiot when you left. I still don't understand, but I'm sorry.

No, you were very good about it. What time is it?

Now? Well, it's 4:35 and 32 seconds.

Where are you going?

I can't be late.

You're hopeless.

Taxi! Taxi!

Tony and Rebecca asked for you.

- How are they? - They're fine.

Taxi! I don't know how you're doing...

but I'll tell them you look happy.

Thanks. Tell them hello for me.

I will. I'll call you, okay?

- Where am I going? - Where are you going?

Downtown.

I'll call you.

Empire State Building.

This city's problem is traffic. Why do people murder and rob banks?

Because they're frustrated, that's why.

I could've been a ball player. Maybe not the majors, but the minors.

Could you cut through the park?

What? The park?

The park is jammed, bumper to bumper.

Michael Jordan's playing in the minors.

What do you think they're paying him?

Peanuts.

How tall are you?

You look tall for a woman.

- What, 5' 10"? - There's no faster way?

Helicopter. Maybe.

I like tall women. Some men don't like tall women.

Bureaucratic quagmire. IKnow how to eliminate the quagmire?

Elect a mayor who's not a politician, that's how.

- You know how to find one? - I'll get out here.

Here you go.

Lady, that's a 50.

It's for you. I'm getting married, and I wanted you to know first.

For a $42 tip, I...

Miss MclKay, can you hear me?

I'm Dr. Punch.

I'll touch you and I want you to tell me if you feel it.

It's important for you to remain still.

If it's too painful to talk, just blink your eyes.

Mr. Gambril!

You forgot this.

I had to take off the wrapping, it was torn and damp.

- You didn't forget it? - No.

You just left this for housekeeping?

I choose the pictures for the restaurant.

I think it's very good. I'm not a critic, but I like it.

- What do you like about it? - I don't know.

It makes you wonder, is it a real place, is it a real person?

- Is she? - Is she what?

Real.

I don't know.

- Is it for sale? - It's yours.

No, I couldn't. It must be worth something.

Not to me. Thanks.

Janet, Glenda and Dixie were all married to him...

some at the same time.

- Tough break. - I had to take her for an ultrasound.

Wait, go back.

Hawkeye offense moved the ball convincingly.

The Buckeye defense slaughtered the...

Where do they get a name like Buckeye?

Where do they get "Rams" or "Trojans"?

The Trojans? The mind reels.

What is a Buckeye?

Ohio's the Buckeye state.

Do their eyes stick out like buck teeth?

A buckeye is...

What's a buckeye?

A buckeye.

Guys, I'm a little pooped.

It's okay. Don't worry.

I have to go back to work anyway.

I've got a meeting with a new group.

You know what that's like. It'll be boring.

Do you want this off?

Please.

Well... I'll call you.

- Thanks. - IKen.

I'll see you, Tina. Take care.

You need anything else?

So how's it with Mariel?

Ariel. She's allergic to the dog.

Hector's a Dandy Dinmont Terrier. He doesn't have dander.

Yes, he does. She can live with it.

- Do you mind if I ask you a question? - No.

Have you been seeing anybody?

Not lately.

Of course. I mean, since we...

No.

I haven't been seeing anybody.

You don't sound convinced.

Boy, you're a tough nut to crack. Come here.

Sorry. I can come back.

It's all right, I'm just leaving.

You know where I am if you need me.

So call.

I will.

She's all yours.

So, guess what?

I can not only feel the sheet...

but I have movement in my right leg.

You can't see it, but I feel it...

sometimes.

We won't operate until we see if there's permanent damage.

Can't you be more specific in some way?

How will that help?

Can I tell you something I haven't told anyone?

I want to keep this from someone.

I don't want to see him until I can walk.

Yes, Rau?

She gave me this to send to you.

She said it was for the young lady who was here with you.

Thank you, Rau.

Hello.

Happy Holidays, Mr. Gambril.

- Merry Chris... - Merry Christmas.

- I got you something. - Oh, you shouldn't have.

- Merry Christmas. - A hat.

One size fits all?

Walk with me.

Thanks.

- I've got good news and bad news. - What's the good news?

- I got us a meeting with the Giants. - Giants?

Let me amend that. I got a meeting with Tisch himself.

He's a fan. We'll have lunch tomorrow.

The best part is we talked about you being quarterback coach.

Then he mentions offensive coordinator.

- What's the bad news? - You might be successful.

I know how hard that is for you to handle, but I'll see you through it.

I need a drink.

What are you doing?

I have a table over here.

Oh, it's Lynn Weaver! I can't believe that's Lynn Weaver.

What are the chances of bumping into her? She looks great.

She looks great.

He's right, you look great.

- So do you. - Thanks.

Why don't you join us?

All the art here is by celebrities, did you know that?

This is a Phyllis Diller over here.

And that was a Doug McClure in the other room.

Evidently done during his blue period.

They have a Howard Cosell next to a Don Meredith. They still clash.

It's in the next room. How'd he get you here?

Using natural charm and seduction.

- He does have that. - Thank you. Do you really mean that?

You left your tux in my closet.

There's a benefit tomorrow night. Should I send it over?

That's a big Elke Sommer.

Good night, y'all.

So, really, since when?

Starting tonight. I want this to be your evening.

I don't know where to go anymore.

- Thank you very much. - Hello.

Hello.

That was Mike Gambril, wasn't it?

I think so.

He looked very good. This was terrific.

Shall we go?

Sure, let's go.

What about tomorrow?

- Tomorrow? - It's Christmas Eve.

- Are you coming for dinner? - Is Ariel cooking?

It's takeout from the Four Seasons. You're safe.

Thanks, IKen.

How about if I stop by?

Let's talk tomorrow.

Want to grab a bite?

No, thanks. I don't think so.

I guess this wasn't such a great idea after all.

I don't know.

Merry Christmas, Lynn.

Merry Christmas, Mike.

No kidding!

- Look at that! - How are you?

You know who this guy is? Mike Gambril.

No kidding.

- Thanks, guys! - Merry Christmas, Miss MclKay.

- Merry Christmas to you, Monica. - You recognized me.

- Just a wild guess. - Open this one.

This is the best Christmas ever. Oh, thanks, Lori!

It's sort of a quiet Christmas.

Exactly.

You know something, I like it better quiet.

Absolutely. Thanks, Dorothy.

- Call me if you need anything. - All right, I will. Thanks.

I'll be right upstairs.

Hello.

- Mike? - Hello, Terry.

Good to see you.

It's good to see you too. You feeling all right?

Yeah. I'm just...

catching up.

Good, good.

It's been a long time.

Yes, it has, hasn't it?

It is good to see you.

You said that. Could I...?

Yes, please do.

Thanks.

I'll just be a minute.

- You don't mind? - Of course not.

Good, good.

I bet you're wondering how I got here.

I was looking through a phone book for a man named McBride...

and I ran across the name "T. MclKay."

I said to myself:

"Could that possibly be Terry MclKay, my old friend?"

- It was. - And then I said to myself:

"I wasn't very nice to her. I had an appointment with her, and I...

didn't keep it."

- You didn't? - No.

No.

So then I said to myself... I talk to myself quite a lot these days.

"That's not a nice way to treat a friend.

I have to apologize to her."

If one doesn't keep an appointment, shouldn't they apologize?

Yes.

Yes, you're absolutely right.

The least people can do is say they're sorry.

So here I am.

- That's very sweet. - I thought so.

I've often wondered about you.

- Have you really? - Yes, really.

I've wondered about you, too. You weren't angry?

You must have been at first.

I was. I was.

At first, I was furious.

I said, "He can't do this to me. Who does he think he is?"

- Did you wait long? - Yes, I waited. I waited until...

Midnight?

- Then what? - I got really mad.

You can just imagine, being up there...

In a thunderstorm.

- In a thunderstorm? - Yeah.

What did you say?

Then I said, "Why don't you just go home and get drunk?"

- But you didn't. - I didn't?

You just took one little drink...

every hour for about two months.

Can you blame me?

Not at all. No.

The least I could've done was send you a note.

Maybe by the time you thought of it, you couldn't find me.

But certainly you swore that if you ever saw me again you'd ask.

No. We said if we could make it, we'd be there.

If one of us didn't show up, there must be a good reason.

- Did we say that? - Yes, that's exactly what we said.

Like what, for instance?

So there'll be no more questions asked, I hope.

Thirsty?

Thank you.

Thank you, Mike.

Isn't this wonderful?

I walk over here just to...

Now I'm not even supposed to ask why you weren't there.

- It doesn't seem fair, does it? - I know.

I don't know what it is.

When I'm with you, I just...

- No wedding ring. - No.

I thought when I saw you last night...

No.

He was just...

No.

Sorry.

So how are you?

You can ask questions?

I thought everything was fine till I saw you last night.

Then I knew there must be something between us, even if only an ocean.

So I got a ticket.

Where are you going?

Away.

- When? - Tonight.

Unless I can get an earlier flight.

Well...

You're happy, aren't you?

And you?

I don't know. Sometimes I...

I worry about the future, what people will think of me.

That they'll say, "What happened to him? He's a mess."

- "He doesn't really like women." - Why would they say that?

Because every woman he meets, he says:

"Where will you be in three months? Meet me in three months."

- And they're there? - Everywhere.

Pyramids, Eiffel Tower, Statue of Liberty, everywhere.

Just waiting. Waiting.

Where is he?

Waiting.

Want to change the subject?

Merry Christmas.

I almost forgot.

Who would've thought we'd spend Christmas together?

- I brought you a present. - I wish I had something for you.

I didn't expect anything.

It's not really a Christmas present.

So that's why my letters came back.

Well, I'd have sent it to you, but I...

didn't know your address till today.

She wanted you to have it.

Anyway...

That's why I...

Goodbye, Terry.

Goodbye, Mike.

You know, I painted you wearing that.

I wish you'd seen it. It was good.

I left it at the hotel. They hung it in the restaurant...

and there was a young woman who came in and really liked it.

They told me she kept trying to buy it so I said:

"Just give it to her because she wants the damn thing so much."

They said she didn't seem like she had a lot of money...

and not only that, they told me she was...

She was...

When is your flight?

I said, "By all means...

give it to her because I never took any money for paintings and it was...

Christmas season, ho-ho-ho.

So I...

Oh, Mike, don't look at me like that.

Why didn't you tell me?

If anything had to happen to one of us...

why did it have to be you?

It was my own fault. I was looking up.

I knew you were there.

Don't worry, Mike.

It doesn't have to be a miracle.

If you can paint, I can walk.

Anything can happen, don't you think?

Come here.