All language subtitles for Top.Gear.S01E01.WEB.H264-13-NHI

CLARKSON: This is
a car programme.

There will be no cushions.

There will be
no rag rolling.

No one will sing.

And at the end
of the series,

no one will have
a recording contract.

This is our new base.

And this is our
purpose-built test track.

There are no traffic jams here,

well, apart from this one,
and no bus lanes either.

This is Top Gear.

And in the show tonight,

I put two supercars
head to head.

I'm gonna ask you for 2,000.

CLARKSON: Jason Dawe
on what to do
when car dealers attack.

First time short
of three grand.

CLARKSON: Richard Hammond
will try to beat
a speed camera,

and a star
in a reasonably priced car.

Hello.

Now, two family hatchbacks,

the Ford Focus
and the Volkswagen Golf.

Both have five doors,

both have 1.6 litre engines

and both cost
around £12,000.

That's how much
family hatchbacks cost.

Or do they?

You see, on Top Gear,
we found one

that you can buy in Britain,
no tricks, brand new

for less than £9,000.

This is it.

It's the
Citroen Berlingo Multispace,

and I admit,
it's a curious looking thing.

That's because it started
out in life as a van.

All they've done is
add some windows here,

sliding doors and snazzy seats
where the cement used to go,

and hey presto.

Garnish it with
some metallic paint,
some alloy wheels,

and you can even have
a diesel version for £8,995.

Thing is though,
are you getting
what you pay for?

Is it like cheap wine?

Will you wake up
with a headache?

Well, to find out,
I took it down the M20
to the Booze Borough,

for a trip to those
supermarkets of Calais.

First impressions are
that I'm driving a van.

It's quite echoey in here
and not terribly refined.

Um...

Most central
locking systems,

for instance,
these days they go

But listen to this.

It's very uncouth.

In essence then,
the Berlingo is very loud.

Very Van Halen.

But there is a softer
Van Morrison option.

For the same money,
you can have
a 1.6 litre petrol engine

which develops the same power
as a Mk1 Golf GTI.

With that under the bonnet,
this would feel much more
like a normal car.

But how many normal cars
have you ever come across

that have got
green dashboards
with green dials?

And how many
normal cars are there

with five glass panels
in the roof,

and these roof bars,
which swivel sideways

so you can carry a bicycle.

Whatever a bicycle is.

No doubt about it,
the Berlingo is turning out

to be astonishing
value for money.

It is possible to buy

a number of other cars
for Berlingo money,

but none of them
will be this size,

none of them will be
this well-equipped,

and none of them
will have something

that we're really looking for
on this new series of Top Gear,

it's an X factor.

See, this, this is a perfectly
acceptable car, but this...

I don't know.
It's more than
a car somehow.

You want to
bring it in at night,
let it sit by the fire.

Give it a saucer
of warm milk

and a little wheel
to run around in.

It's got the most important
thing that a car can have...

Character.

And now the coal
is back in Newcastle.

The Berlingo is back
where it came from.

And I still can't find anything
really wrong with it.

The turning circle's
not much cop

and there's a fair bit
of road noise.

It's not terribly
sporty either.

But it is very comfortable.

Hand on heart,

it rides like a Jaguar.

I could go on all day
giving you swings
and roundabouts

but the fact
of the matter is,
basically,

I like it.

Right, here we are
at one of those

Calais hypermarket,
cash-and-carry,
booze warehouse jobs,

and, boy, have I got
the car for the job.

Let me show you
what I mean.

We've got storage
space up here,

up here,

and here above the driver.

In the back, there are
two extra glove boxes.

And then,

if we slide that open,
we've got a cubby hole
here under the floor,

and another one there.

Then we simply
fold the seats down,

like so.

And we have
a cavernous boot.

And, I haven't
finished yet.

Because, if we open
the tailgate,

there's another
overhead locker here

for a further
ten kilograms of booze.

So, let's shop.

I want, um, that one.

That case there.

It's terribly exciting
all this cheap booze,

but you have to be careful.

Because if customs suspect
you're bringing stuff back

that's not for your own
personal consumption,

they'll confiscate it
and your car.

And they're currently
confiscating 30 cars a day.

So I caught up
with the shop's owner

and his girlfriend
to talk about this.

Because I was reading
in the paper

that if I we're to put
500 bottles of gin in the car,

-which I'm legally
allowed to do...
-Absolutely.

...customs are so,
"Well, you'd never get
through all that."

How can
they say that

when it was Maggie Thatcher
who told us to stock
our larders up.

-I mean...
-With 500 bottles of gin.

Yeah, but if you drink
a bottle of gin a day,

that, that's only
a year-and-a-half's supply.

That's not a lot.

Fizzy Liebfraumilch.

I don't think I'll be able
to convince customs

that's for
my personal consumption.

No.

Other people
were going berserk,

perhaps because they didn't
like their cars very much.

Perhaps they wanted
to have them squashed.

Trouble is,
I really am very...

Very fond of this car,
and I don't want customs
to crush it, so...

There we are.

Saved a few quid.

Well, pence.

Now, I should explain
at this point that
other vans are available.

There's the Fiat Doblo,
which is a trifle cheaper
than this,

but I think
I'm right in saying

it's the slowest
accelerating car

that money can buy
in Britain today.

Uh, 0-60 is 21 seconds.

Then there's
the Ford Tourneo Connect,

that's over £10,000.

You don't even wanna
think about that, so awful,

Um, and then there's
the Renault Kangoo.

That's okay,
but basically
it's not as good as this.

You have to have a Berlingo.

Question is,
diesel or petrol?

Well, to help us decide that
I've been joined now

by Top Gear's
new car trader,

pocket-sized chap
Jason Dawe.

-What do you reckon?
-Petrol.

-Really?
-Yeah, don't bother
with the diesel.

Makes it feel
too much like a van.

Well it did feel like that.
Going down the motorway
there was that

noise,

and you just think,
"Look, I've saved
enough money here."

-Yeah, but you can save
even more at the minute.
-Really?

Yup, they are doing
a facelift on this car,

which means they're
going to change
the bumpers and the bonnet

and a couple of bits,
but it'll basically
look the same.

What it does mean
is that Citroen have got
some of the old models,

they need to
get shot of them.

-These ones basically? This car?
-Yeah, yeah, this car. Yeah.

-So, what are they doing?
-They're doing a deal

where you can get
all the VAT off,

so that means that
instead of £8,995,

you can get
a 1.4 for £7,700.

-7,700 for one of these?
-7,700 yeah.

-That's the bargain
of the century.
-Cheap as chips.

Good tip.

Right, if I could
just sum it up,

it's like Gerard Depardieu,

slightly swollen middle,
broken nose,

but there are
hidden talents.

And it's not just me
who likes it.

Everyone in the
Top Gear office likes it.

All the crew here like it.
Everyone, well, apart from him.

He doesn't like it very much,
but everyone else does.

Um... And the people
who like it most of all

are the family of Albanians
that I inadvertently
brought back into Britain

in each of the wheel arches.

Uh, they've written to me
from their new house
in Leatherhead, the Hollies,

to say that it will always hold
a special place in their heart.

Great car.

You know how,
when you're making up a list,

as you do, of the world's
greatest race cars,

you've just got to include
the Ford GT40.

And here's a reminder why.

So they built one of
the most successful
race cars ever.

Great. But that
gave them a problem.

Because try as they might,
they struggled for years

to build anything
remotely as glamorous
ever again.

Until they came up
with a really good idea.

The best car to replace
the Ford GT40, was...

The Ford GT40.

I mean, this is the new car,

and, come on,
you're not fooling anyone.

It's okay, four inches higher
and 18 inches longer
than the original GT40,

but it is a GT40.

Basically, they put
the plans for the old car

on a photocopier at 110%

and said, "Enlarge."

But is a lot cleverer
than the old one.

It's loaded with technology.
Take a look at this.

So you wanna see the engine?
Right, here it goes.

That's actually going
to take a moment or two.

In the meantime,
you've pulled into
a petrol forecourt,

obviously everybody's
gonna be looking at you,

but if they're not,
this should tip it.

Have a go. Here we go.
Let's get to the fuel.

Look at that!

That's just to put
your petrol in.

That's unbelievable.
We can possibly squeeze in

and have a look
at the engine now.

It's a 5.4 litre V8,
supercharged.

That's about
500 brake horsepower.
That should be enough.

Bear in mind this is
a very, very light car indeed.

But take a look inside.
You've gotta have a look.

This is just...
It's just breathtaking.

Look at the switches.
Each one looks hand carved
from a lump of aluminium.

And the gate
around the base
of the gear lever,

look at that.

None of that nasty rubber
full of bits of biscuits
and old chocolate.

Of course, this isn't real,
it's a pretend one.

I don't know
what it'll be like
when they make it.

And, oh, yes,
they are gonna make it.

Ford have announced
this week

they will be putting this
into production.

But it's gonna be expensive.

It's gonna be on sale
in America from 2004
at about $150,000 apiece.

And you're gonna be
very, very lucky,

even if you've got the money,
to get a hold of one.

They're gonna be
incredibly exclusive.

Basically, you're
gonna have to know
somebody at Ford.

CLARKSON: Other items
in the news this week,

the Government has announced
it's going to spend £145 million

on the road network
over the next five years,

which works out
at £29 million a year,

and that's enough to pay
for three-and-a-half miles
of motorway a year.

Wow! Think of the freedom
we can enjoy with that.

-Three miles a year.
-I know, looking forward to it.

-I can't wait. I'm excited.
-Three new miles
of motorway.

Car news? Um...

Fiat, first of all,
they are in deep trouble.

They're currently losing
£2 million a day.

Well, they've got
a new model,

which they think
is going to stem the flow.

-There it is.
-Look at that,
they're saved.

They're saved.
No, they'll be
fine with that.

It's an estate version
of the Stilo and, um,

it is actually
very important
this works

because if Fiat
goes to the wall,

they will take with them
Lancia, Alfa Romeo,
Maserati and Ferrari.

And of course
they won't go to the wall

'cause they're gonna get
bought by General Motors.

So, if you don't buy
one of these,

General Motors gets Ferrari.
It's that simple.

So buy one.

News now of the new Micra.

Um, a rather
gorgeous looking
little thing as well.

-That's, um...
-Mmm.

That's actually not it though,
that's the only thing.

-Ah.
-Lovely though it is.

They will do that eventually.
This is gonna be the new Micra,

-which is...
Well, it's all right.

That's not bad.
I've always quite liked
the Micra myself.

The important thing
about it though is

loaded with technology
even in a small car.

It's even gonna have a new...

You've probably seen this,
keyless entry.

So you walk up to the car
and, and then you can...

No, I've got some
experience of that.

There is a slight
problem with it.

Because you keep
a little smart card
in your wallet, okay,

you get out of the car,
push a little button,
doors lock.

You walk away
and you think
is that locked?

So you walk back
to check,

of course it recognises
the smart card

and sees you coming,
it's open.

Uh... Uh...

-You could be there for days.
-You could, you just...

The only way you know
if it wasn't locked
is if someone nicks it.

Yeah, that's the only way
you can find out for definite.

Now this, um,
we all know the smart,

the one that's been
around for a few years,

the one you could park
nose onto the pavement,

well, now, they've got
delusions of grandeur,

and they've launched...
Well, I think we've got
some footage of it here.

Two versions,
there's a coupe,

and there is a cabriolet.

Now the cabriolet
is interesting.

You've got an electric
folding roof,

rear engine,
with a turbocharger on it.

You've got rear wheel drive,
big, fat alloys,

anti-lock brakes,
traction control.

Basically just like
a 911 Turbo. Okay?

Except a 911 Turbo
is £90,000.

This, the car you're
looking at here 11,750.

HAMMOND: What?
AUDIENCE: Ooh!

That was the least
convincing "ooh" noise

-I've ever heard in my life.
-Wow!

-But, I mean, 11,750.
-That... That is
incredible actually.

If this is the future,
now, here,

I'm not scared of that any more,
you can bring it on.

Take as much
of the future
as you like.

-That's stunning, 11 grand.
-Um...

Take a moment now
to talk about Formula 1.

What are we going to do
about Formula 1?

-Yeah.
-Scrap it?

-MAN: Kill it.
-Kill it.

No, the problem I've got...

I've been working that out...
The problem here is very simple,

is that

Ferrari have completely
dominated the...

Now we've got a photograph
of what Michael Schumacher
is gonna do next year

to try and keep it...
There we go. That's...

That's what he's gonna
do next year

to try and level it out a bit.

But really, the problem
as I see it

is that the...

The teams have taken over.

The technology
has taken over.

Now that they've got
traction control

and gearboxes that
change for you and...

I heard the other day
that the teams,
the pit crews,

can actually
tune the engine
from the pit wall.

-Well, that's...
-Are they actually sitting
with spanners...

"Oh, no, we'll turn
the revs down a bit."

I know one of them
developed a fault,

a BMW one,
developed a fault

and they rerouted the oil
without actually bringing it in.

They did it remotely.

And you just think
where's the driver?

The driver is the big hero.

He's the guy I wanna watch.

You know, it was like,
the Second World War,
you had fighter pilots,

they were the big heroes.
After that, they were
racing drivers.

I want to see heroes.

I don't wanna see geeks
in black clothes going,

"Ooh! Well, if I just
fiddle with this laptop,
we'll make it go faster."

-In fact I'd execute them.

-HAMMOND: Do you know...
-I would, I'd shoot them

in the back of the neck
with a 9mm.

I want to see drivers take...

I want Formula 1 unplugged.

Rip out all the technology
and give us proper racing again.

You know, Jeremy, that...

That was strangely touching,
your desire for hero...

But, you know,
I'm just fed up with this.

I don't blame Ferrari.
I can't blame them, you know.

They built a better car
and they won.

Just get rid
of all the technology.
Just...

I think computer animate
the entire sport

and get rid of them all
in real life.

Right, um, here's some
stirring news for us, er,

in that
it's a very stirring car,

the new Bentley
Continental GT.

That is a very,
very big car indeed.

I think it's gorgeous,
you're a bit "ew" about it.

It's fine. It's, it's got
a slightly Vanessa Feltz-y rear.

-Yeah, there is
something of her.

But the important thing
about the car is the engine.

Right? Powering that is a W12.

Massive engine.

It's the same engine they put
in the Volkswagen Phaeton,

which I've already driven
at 200 miles an hour.

Exactly. They decided
at Bentley, not enough.
Girl stuff.

Strap a couple
of turbos to it,
see how it'll do then,

which is great,
but it's given them
an interesting problem.

It's now chucking out
so much torque

that they can't tell us
how much torque
it's putting out.

Every time they strap it
to the machines that they
measure it on,

it breaks them.

These are the size
of a building,
these machines.

They strap it down,
tie it all in.

You could tie it
to this base here
and it would just spin

-the whole studio around.
-We'd actually go round.

-The whole hangar
would just be doing that.
-That's what would happen.

So, unfortunately,
they can't tell you
how powerful it is.

Just lots and lots of torque.

Now, bit of a challenge.

Old people get quite bad press.

We're forever
reading about them

driving the wrong way
down the motorway.

I know we've got
some footage from a CCTV.

Here we are, little old dear
going down to the seaside.

HAMMOND: Oh, no.
CLARKSON: Brake, brake.

Oh, no! And she's...
Doesn't do it.

And of course
she turned out to be

-a hundred
and seventy thirteen.
-Yeah.

Um, the thing is though,

we don't think that
old people are as bad
as everyone makes out.

So, here's what
we're going to do.

We know grandmothers can make
a doughnut, but can they do one?

And a doughnut is, uh...

Here's the footage, okay?

Here's me going
round and round in a TVR.
That is a doughnut.

Now, if you're a grandmother

and you have to prove
you have grandchildren

and you think that with a bit
of tuition, you could do that,

drop us a line.

The address is...

Or you can look
on our website,

which is on an Internet.

-Somewhere.
-Somewhere.

Right, that is
enough old people,

and enough money saving
Citroen vans.

Let's have a look
at this. Excuse me.

This is Italy's
newest supercar

from Italy's
newest supercar maker.

It's called a Pagani Zonda.

And it is exquisite.

It's exquisite
on the inside too.

Look at this.
Just a wall of aluminium,

and chamois leather
and carbon fibre.

And look at these air vents,
they're like periscopes.

Um, anyone wanna
see the engine?

AUDIENCE: Yes.

Right, well, let's hop out
and we have to...

Could you just grab
the other side?

Um, you have to undo
the leather buckle,

very 21st century.

Push the little button, okay?

-And there it is.
Look at that.
-AUDIENCE: Ooh!

That's a Mercedes-Benz
7.3 litre V12.

-You wanna hear it?
-AUDIENCE: Yes!

Problem is,
Health and Safety, okay?

They've told us we mustn't
start cars in the studio.

All right? But, uh,
I don't think they'll hear.

Are we ready?
Foot on the clutch,
Jeremy, that will help.

I think we got away with it.
I don't think they heard us.

Um, now, do you want to know
what it feels like to drive?

-AUDIENCE: Yes!
-Watch this.

The similarities between
the Zonda and an F-15 fighter
are obvious.

Both have glassy
bubble roofs at the front

and a lot
of engine behind.

And both have
styled exhaust outlets.

There is one difference though.

In the F-15, you don't get
much sensation of speed,

whereas in the Zonda...

You do.

The key to this car
is it's engine.

It was built specially
for Pagani by Mercedes,

and it is a masterpiece.

For me, a huge chunk
of a car's appeal
is the noise it makes,

and the noise this one makes
is just astonishing.

Ah. Whoo!

But even better than
the baritone backdrop is that

under the super light,
all carbon fibre body,

you have a 555 brake
horsepower wallop.

Not since the Germans
and the Italians teamed up
in the Second World War

have we seen power like this.

The top speed in fifth
is nearly 200 miles an hour.

But I'm moving out
of fifth gear now

and into top gear.

And now, my top speed
is 220 miles an hour.

Whoa! A bit of a twitch
under braking.

-Oh.

Whoops.

This car is
an immense achievement.

Plainly, it's very well made.

It's astonishing to behold.

I mean, really astonishing.

Can't believe that
Pagani's come from nowhere

and come up with this.

It's a proper,
proper supercar.

In fact, as I see it,
it only has

one problem.

It must face up to the new
Lamborghini Murcielago.

The latest in a long line
of raging bulls from Italy's
maddest supercar maker.

It's the ultimate
automotive pin-up.

Or is it?

Ever since
Audi bought Lamborghini,
I've been worried that

the Germans would try
to bring a bit of order
to the chaos.

That they'd try to
sanitise the madness.

This is the first Lamborghini
where you don't need to have

the body of
Jean-Claude Van Damme
to drive it.

Look, you can change gear
with one finger.

And the steering doesn't feel
like it's set in concrete.

And the clutch...

The clutch,
it's like stepping
on a marshmallow.

However, some elements
of Lambo-ness do remain.

It still has the ultimate
pub car park accessory,
gullwing doors.

And check this out.

When the engine gets hot,
air intakes slide out
of the buttresses.

Then there's the meat,
the engine.

It may only be
a 6.2 litre V12,

the Zonda's
a 7.3 remember,
but amazingly

this is more powerful.

It serves up
571 brake horsepower.

So, this has more grunt,

but this has less weight.

So, which is the fastest?

Well, let's find out.

Four-wheel drive
means that I have to

get the car rolling gently
before flooring it,

or I'll cook
the clutch and...

One hundred and twenty.

Into fourth.

Look at that Zonda go.
I'm being annihilated.

One hundred and fifty.

Into fifth.

And that's 160.

And I have been destroyed.

Destroyed!

So, does this mean then
that Audi has turned
the raging bull

into a timid little veal?

No.

Not even slightly.

What they've done
is turn it from a supercar
into what feels like

a small, nimble,
razor-sharp sports car.

The old Lamborghini Diablo
was like

a chest of drawers
with a jet engine,
but this...

This, you feel like
the organic part
of a machine.

This is by far and away
the best Lamborghini ever.

Not just the prettiest
and the easiest,
but the nicest to drive.

It's so good, it's better
than any current Ferrari.

But astonishingly,

it's not as good
as the Zonda.

This is the new king
of supercars.

HAMMOND: So that's it, Jeremy?

You're saying that the Zonda
better than the Lamborghini.

-Job done.
End of story.
-Yes.

If you're six years old
and you're looking

to put a supercar
on your bedroom wall,
this is the one.

You're going
to put this up.
Not the Lambo.

Yeah, small point.
Six-year-olds buy posters.

What if you're actually
buying the real car?

There is a bit of
a price issue here.

-A small one, I admit.
-Yeah.

Yes, the Lamborghini
is around £160,000,
and this is

-£310,000
-Right.

But, in its defence,
you do get
a free pair of shoes

made by the Pope's cobbler
with this.

-And...

No, no, you do.
More than that,

you get 12 months
free membership

-of the RAC.
-Twelve months?

-Twelve months free?
-I'm not joking. You get
twelve months free.

But I want to be the one
that makes that call.

I want to break down, M6,
February, Friday night.

Hello? Yes, it's my Zonda.
It's gone.

I think it's
the engine management.

You'd better bring a laptop.

Right, well, there's
one final test for this,
the Zonda and the Lambo.

Now, let's face it.
Nowadays, 0-60 times,
absolutely meaningless.

Top speed figures,
totally meaningless.

What really matters is
how fast a car can lap
a test track.

And fortunately,
we've got our own test track
for that very purpose.

So, this is it.

Just under two miles
of fast straights

and tricky corners designed
by the test drivers at Lotus.

This one, Chicago bend,
is a steady state corner

that really loads up
the outside tyres.

Then there's Hammerhead,

a tricky left and right
that provokes understeer.

This one, Follow Through,
is supposed to be flat out,

but death awaits
the first man to try it.

There are corners with
tricky bumps and cambers

designed to test
brake balance.

And in this one here,
a badly set up
front wheel drive car

will struggle to put
its power down at all.

Right. That's the track.
Now, we needed someone
who could tame it.

So, we got ourselves
a professional racing driver

who could post
consistently fast lap times.

We, um...

We couldn't do that.
Now, we call this thing
The Stig. Okay?

We don't know its name.
We really don't know its name.

No one knows its name.
And we don't want to know
'cause it's a racing driver,

and racing drivers
have tiny, little brains,

and therefore
worthless opinions,
and they're very dull.

Doctors actually call it
Mansell Syndrome.

Um...

Its job is simply
to go out there
and drive fast.

So, first of all, we put it
in the Lamborghini.

Immense power,
as we've already discovered.

You've got four wheel drive,
you have to trickle it
off the line, then nail it.

Right, coming over that
little light lift now,

and he's coming through
Willson bend.

Let's see.
He doesn't step out of line.

He's into third.

Ooh, look at that,
look at that!

Massive, massive
oversteer right.

And through the Hammerhead.

No understeer at all,
incredible.

Big oversteer. He's trying not
to hit those tyres on the left.

And he's through.

So how's it handle
Carpenters corner?

This is where
you really wanna nail it.

Ooh, look at that.

Every power car that
goes around our test track
is gonna set a lap time,

and we're gonna put
those lap times up here
on our Power Lap Time Board.

-And the Lamborghini was?
-One minute, 29,

which is extremely good,
so I'm gonna put that up here.

Okay, fine.
Now, we know
the Lamborghini...

Jeremy, I can't get
Lamborghini Murcielago on it.

A simple Lambo
will perhaps suffice.

-Lambo. There we are. 1:29.
-Okay, it's on.

Now, we know that the Pagani
is faster than the Lamborghini
in a straight line.

We've already seen that.
But the Lambo,

I've driven it,
is fast around the corners.

So, let's put
The Stig in the Zonda

and see what happens.

He's coming into
the first corner here.

How's it looking
through there?

Ooh, he's looking a bit,
a bit wobbly but that's...

Ooh, ooh!
Is he still on the track?

Yes, he is.
Now he's got to get it
right the way back across

the other side to get it...

This is the hard one,
this is...

Yes, look at that.
He's really having
to fight that car.

Even I found it difficult
through there.

Now he's coming up
really, really hard and fast.

He's hard on the brakes here.
110 metres,

that's 150 miles an hour.

All the way down
into second gear.

He's actually gonna have
to use first in this car.

How much is the understeer
through the Hammerhead corner?

God, he's actually managed
to get some oversteer there.

Good Stig.
Well done, Stig.

It really is
quite a driver this one.

Right, Follow Through.
Let's listen.

No, he didn't dab
on the brakes there.

He's gone through
the Follow Through
without following through.

Fighting. God!
And fighting all the way
up through there.

Little bit on the brake there,
we can see.

On the power.

Ooh, that really is wet
out there for this one.

Now there's a dry bit here.
Oh, sorry, that's still wet.

A bit damp. Brake hard.

And he's into Bacharach bend.

Braking again now
for Carpenters corner.

Bit of a tailslide,

but he's still
kept the power on.
And he's done it.

Should apologise
for the easy listening
soundtrack going on there.

It's The Stig. It likes
to listen to the sounds of
the lounge as it goes round.

We've no idea why.
Perhaps it calms it down.

-Anyway.
-Grim, but no need to
apologise for that time.

One minute, 23.

That's what, six seconds
off the Lambo's time.

-That's incredible.
-And the incredible thing is

it must've made it up
in the straights.

All that time.
'Cause I know.
I drove both cars.

The Lambo's faster
through the corners.

That's where it
has the power.
One minute, 23.

I honestly can't see
that being beaten

throughout the entire series.
I think we've peaked.

Neither can I.
But If you think

you've got a car
which is faster than that.

Perhaps you've tuned it.

Implausible, I know.
But there you go.

If you think you have,
why don't you get in touch?

You can either use
text messaging,

which you have to have
a cellular telephone for.

Or write to us
using a quill,

-or go on an Internet.
-Right.

There is a story
going round that says

if a car goes fast enough
past a speed camera,

when the second
flash goes off,

and it needs that
to verify the speed,

the car won't be there.
It's going so fast,

it will have left
the shot entirely.

So in the name of
scientific endeavour

and under
controlled circumstances,

we had a go so that
you don't have to.

We've got together
everything we need
to do this.

A piece of track.
Straight, obviously.

We've got a speed camera.

Oh, and a really fast car.

And The Stig to drive it.

Honda Civic Type R.

Lots of people
have got these.

It'll hit 60 miles an hour
in 7.2 seconds

and go on to a stop speed
of 146 miles an hour.

But will that be enough
to beat the camera?

So how fast was that?

I've got the pictures back.
It was 129 miles an hour.

And, uh, here's the results
of the first flash.

-CLARKSON: Yeah.
-And there's a Honda Civic
doing 129 miles an hour.

-CLARKSON: Plainly in shot.
-Then the second photograph.

-Ah. It's still there.
-It's still there.

-So, 129 isn't fast enough.
-No, that won't do.

But we didn't give up.
We had another go,
and we'll do that later on.

Good.

Now, when most
comedians-cum-actors

make it to the big time,
they buy themselves

a big-time car.

Rowan Atkinson, for instance,
bought himself a McLaren F1.

Steve Coogan
got a Ferrari 355.

Norman Wisdom...

Well, forget that one.

Anyway, our guest tonight,
when he made it to the big time,

he bought one of these.
Are we ready?

Right. Here we go.

Look at that.

It is a Vauxhall
Cavalier Convertible.

Plainly, this guy was devoted
to making people laugh

even when he was on his way
to the supermarket.

Shall we meet him?

Ladies and gentlemen,
Harry Enfield.

-How are you?
-How are you?

What in God's name
possessed you
to buy one of those?

It's an absolutely lovely car.

Very reliable motor,
the Cavalier.

But I did feel like
bit of a, you know,

because I'd sort of become
slightly famous and, uh...

You find yourself...
It's the only
convertible I've had.

Go up to the lights
in the middle of London,

'cause I've always
lived in London.

You're, sort of, in the lights,
and you've got the roof down.

And there are people
crossing the road
in front of you,

and they look in,
they see it's you.

You in that
with loads of money.

And you're just stuck there
'cause the light's red.

Now, look.
Here, there's a magazine,

the Convertible Correspondents

For The Vauxhall Cavalier
Convertible owner's club.

-What a great mag.
-You were...

I know.
You appeared in this.

And this is my favourite bit.
Under famous owners.

An occasional feature.

They haven't been
able to find anyone
since you got one.

And you said, "It was like...
It was better than a BMW."

-Did I?
-Yeah.

Well, I think it is.
It's better than a BMW.

-What fine... Yes.
-MAN: Yeah.

Which bit of it did you think
was better than a BMW?

Well, I think I thought it...

The price was better
than a BMW.

-Fair point.
-Probably.

Interestingly, um,
when you decided

that it was time
to part with the,

um, Vauxhall
Cavalier Convertible,

you were getting
even more famous
at the time.

You went backwards
and bought a Rover 200.

Yes. Yes, I did.

Again, what in God's name
possessed you to do that?

Because, most work in our
industry is done in Soho,

and there was a shop
in Soho that sold Rovers.

So, I went in there
and, and bought the Rover.

Forgive me, Soho?

It's close to Park Lane,
on which, from memory,

there's Aston Martin,
Jaguar,

-BMW, Lexus, McLaren.
-Right.

-And so on and so forth.
-Right.

You could've gone to
any one of those shops,

not to the Rover one,
and bought a Rover 200,

-which wasn't...
-But the Rover
was in Soho,

and they were
about half a mile away.
And, you know, then...

So, is this why you swapped
the Rover for a Metro?

-Yeah, same place.

When you were
going round to, say,
see Rowan Atkinson

or whoever at the time
in your Cavalier

or your Metro
or your Rover,

did they say, "Harry..."

Take you on one side,
maybe try to give you
some advice.

No, I'm afraid.
But, in fact, it did
actually happen once,

though I never
talk about, sort of,
thing of it,

but I do have
an abiding memory
in my head of

driving round
to Rowan's house.

It sounds very showbiz-y,
but it's the only time
it's ever happened.

And Robbie Coltrane was there

and Stephen Fry
and Hugh Laurie,

and they all had nice cars,
and I arrived in my Cavalier.

And they were all outside,
it was a nice day,

and they were
all talking about
each other's cars and...

And they looked at me,
and I looked at them.

And no one ever mentioned it.
Just no one ever mentioned it.

-There's nothing you could say.
-No one ever mentioned the car,
none of them, ever.

Anyway, what have you got now?

Um, now we've got, um,
a Mercedes Estate, yes.

-Very nice.
-Very nice. It's very small.

-And?
-It's too small.

And, er,
my wife's got a Mini.

-Very good.
-Have you seen this?

Yes, um, I want that car,
it's called a Volvo.

-I want that car.
-It's got seven seats, and...

CLARKSON:
Oh, there's a picture.
Look, it's on the screen.

ENFIELD: That's the Volvo.

'Cause I'm not allowed to drive,

because my wife
likes to drive,

so I have to sit
in the other thing,
and I...

At the moment, I sit
in our car like this

with an airbag here.

-This one,
it looks very big.
-Mmm.

I either want this
or the BMW one,
which we tried out.

-It's fantastic.
-No, you don't.

-It's great, it's fantastic.
-I assure you, you don't want...

And it's the ideal car
for my wife to drive

'cause she's got blonde hair,
and we live in Notting Hill,

-and that's the car
that people drive.
-Mmm-hmm.

You're not just here
to chat today.

-Aren't I?
-No.

Because earlier today, um,
we had you doing some work.

-Oh, yeah.
-Absolutely.

You see, the thing is,
every week,

we are gonna run
an item called

a star in a reasonably
priced car.

We got the star, obviously,
what we then needed

was a reasonably priced car.

Now we talked to Hyundai,
they said no.

We talked to Nissan,
they said no.

We talked to Daewoo,
they said no.

Then we talked to Suzuki,
and they said,

"Sure, have a Liana."

£9,995 on the road.

In fact it's over there.
There it is.

And what a beauty it is.

The most beautiful car
I've ever seen.

-And what we're...
-In the world.

In the world. Absolutely.

And the idea is,
is that every week

our star will take that
round our test track,

see how fast
he or she can do it.

And then we'll post
that time on a board,

and at the end of the series,
we'll be able to name

Britain's fastest celebrity.

Trouble is, of course, uh,
we weren't gonna let you out
without going out...

First of all, I had to try it
with the other guys

and, uh, this is
what happened.

Go!

DAWE: Oh, my God,
we're spinning wheels.

-Into speed, we're doing 27
before we move.
-It was a good start.

CLARKSON: 34 miles an hour.
Now, looks at this.

Look at this,
it's going well.

I once drove a supertanker
that was a bit like this.

-DAWE: Similar sort of feel.
-We're going off,
we're going off.

We're off. We're off the track.

DAWE: Bit of track
with us there.

-How much is a paint job?

Anyway, we got
the tracking fixed

and the gearbox.

And I posted a time,
even with big Jason in the back,
of one minute, 50 seconds.

Um, now, we're currently
cutting your lap

in the edit suite.
We'll be showing it later.

How fast do you think
you might've done it?

-I don't know.
-You don't know?

-But it was very fast.
-Was it?

-Yeah.
-Right, I can't remember
what comes next.

Oh, I know.
We're gonna see

if we can get that, um, car
to go through a speed camera.

We're gonna try
and beat a speed camera.

So do you want me
to stay here or go?

-No, have a seat,
roll your sleeves up.
-Great.

-Would you like a drink?
-Yeah.

Chill.

Earlier on, in the name
of scientific endeavour,

we tried to see
if it was possible

to go fast enough
to beat a speed camera.

We used a Honda Civic Type R.
It did 129 miles an hour,

and it was still there
for the second flash.

You might think this thing
would be the one to do it in.

It wouldn't.
It's only a pretend one.

20 miles an hour tops.

So, we got hold
of a faster car.

Right then,
this should be
worth a go,

the Mercedes CL 55 AMG.

At 89 grand not only does it
cost as much as a house,

it's nearly as big as one.

But it'll still do
60 miles an hour
in 4.7 seconds,

and it'll cruise
all day at 155

as easily as your car
will do 30.

But will that be enough?
Let's find out.

Go on then.

Well, we've got
the pictures back,

and here they are.
148 miles an hour,

and, oh dear.

There he is
in the first one,

and still there
in the second one.

That isn't fast enough.

We're gonna have to try
and go even faster,

and we will do that.

Okay, so far in the programme
we've shown you how to save
money on a family hatchback,

we're trying to save you
some money on speeding fines

by showing you
that if you speed up,
you can get round them.

And now we're gonna
give you the biggest

money saving tip
of them all.

There's been a lot of talk
in the newspapers

and on the radio
these last couple of weeks

about people
running their cars,

their diesel engine cars
I should say,

on vegetable oil.

There's been
so many people trying it

that up north,
one supermarket train,

uh, chain,
is now rationing

the amount of oil
that it will sell
to individuals.

Um, now the thing is,
is that you can run a car

on vegetable oil,

but it's not
completely brilliant.

However, I've been
joined here by Jason Taylor.

You reckon you've got
a little additive that makes
the whole thing better, yeah?

-Yeah.
-So, what we've got here

is some normal vegetable?

That's used vegetable oil
from a Mexican restaurant.

-CLARKSON: Used?
-Used, yeah.

Why used?

Well, we find it gives it
a bit of better power
to the engine.

Really? There's
all these bits
so we have to

strain those out obviously.

So, put that over here.

One of these J-cloths, okay?

And in we go.

So that'll collect the bits.

Look at that.

And you reckon
this will work?

Yeah, it's like
golden elixir, that stuff.

Does it make the car
smell a bit?

It is actually...
The different restaurants,

you can tell
what you're running it on.

Seriously?

Yeah.

So, if we run a car on this,
it's gonna smell...

-Essence of where
it came from?
-Yeah.

Okay, that's in there
like that. Fine.

Now, what have you worked out
you have to add to that?

Right. Well, just to
make it a bit,

a bit more runnier,
you add, uh, a solvent.

And for this experiment,
we've got a non-kerosene
based white spirit.

-Okay.
-It has to be non-kerosene
based for tax reasons.

Okay. And how much
do we have to put in?

Uh, in a litre...

In 97 millilitres
of, uh, vegetable oil,

we put three millilitres
of that in there.

-So, that's
about that much?
-Mmm-hmm.

Okay, let's just get that...
Pour that over here.

Okay. So, we add that.

Okay. And then,
we, uh, whisk it up.

Well, actually, you don't really
need to, uh, whisk it, but...

-So, is that ready to go now?
-That's ready to...

Well, no, you should
let it stand for at least
a week or so.

CLARKSON: And how much
does that cost?

-For a litre?
-About 3 pence,
plus the tax.

-Oh, you have to pay tax?
-Mmm.

If you didn't tell
the Customs and Excise,
that's 3p,

if you do tell them...

-You have to tell them.
-Okay.

-Of course,
you have to tell them.

You have to tell them. Right.

And how much
are they gonna charge?

Uh, 26 pence,
but check with your local
Customs and Excise office.

That's about 29p a litre.

You've got to fill
a couple of forms in.

-Yeah.
-29p a litre.

Just run through,
do you have to
modify the engine?

-No.
-Just any old
diesel will do?

-Yeah.
-And you can...
And it's fine?

-Yeah.
-Performance?

The same as diesel,
maybe even better.

And you reckon
we could tip that

-into a diesel car
and it would work?
-Yeah.

Gotta give that a go,
haven't we?

This is a Volvo 740.

In the front,
there's a diesel engine,

and in the tank
at the back, nothing.

It's empty. Listen.
Start the engine.

Can't start the engine.
No fuel.

And we can verify that. Look.

Here we have
an independent
adjudicator.

Bell, you'll verify
there's nothing in there?

There's nothing in the tank.
We've drained off 25 litres,
it's completely empty now.

Right. Brilliant. Well,
if we go round the back

and look in the boot,

we find a big container
full of vegetable oil

from El Rio's
in Macclesfield.

Now, we've added
a splash of white spirit,

and Bell is going
to pour that
into the tank.

Right. It's now
been converted

from a car-nivore
into a herbivore.

But of course, being a diesel,
you can't just start it.

You have to bleed
the system first,

which you've just done,
yes, Bell?

-BELL: Yeah,
we're ready to go.
-System bled?

No airlocks in there?
Good, let's close the bonnet.

If you wanna step in.

And let's see if it starts.

If it does,
I shall be astonished.

That's amazing.

Go! Go!

£1.50 a gallon,
and it's working.

-Wow.
-It's actually...

-I mean, it's still
going round out there.
-Is it green?

-Environmental?
-Yeah.

-Oh, apparently so, yeah.
-Wow!

Anyway, Harry, big news,
your lap has been edited.

-Do you wanna have a look?
-Yes, please.

-Who'd like to
see Harry's lap?
-AUDIENCE: Yes!

Okay, here we go.

Hope I don't die.

Ready, steady, go.

It went skid.

Up on the 30 miles an hour.

Now I'm going
at 40 miles an hour.

50 miles.

Blimey.

There. Oh, yeah.
That's supposed to be...
Take that down.

Wahey.

And nicely controlled.

Whoa!

Little foot on the brake,
a little tiny bit,

and into second.

Lovely.

Take it round into second.

Yes, I can feel
some kind of braking thing
happening there.

Me braking the car.

Oh, yes. Whoa!

Hey, I lost control of that.

Nice. That was fun.

Finished.

And the winner...

In a race of one.

And there are a couple of things
I gotta bring up on that.

On one of the corners,

I think it was
Bacharach bend there,

the tail was out.

You're a bit of a hypocrite,
you came off the bloody circuit.

I know, I'm saying...

This is praise.

-Oh, this is a good thing?
-It's a good thing.

It's a good thing.
I mean, here I was,

Cavalier convertible,
Metro, Rover 200.

-I assumed,
father of three...
-Yeah.

I assumed that
you'd be useless.

-Well, I was useless.
-No, but you weren't.

It's a very nice car
because put your foot
on the brake and it...

It doesn't skid, really.
It goes

It's got that
ABS braking thing.

Clearly, that'll do, yes.

So you go
in third,

because it doesn't
really go in fourth...

But it's very nice.
That's what I call
a proper A to B car.

Want to know
how fast it was?

I reckon. Should I guess?

That was 1:48,
I was 1:50.

1:47.

I've got some
disappointing news for you.

-Oh, no.
-Enfield...

I'll just put you up here.
You're the very first star

in a reasonably priced car.

Enfield...

Two minutes, one second.

-And that's only 11 seconds
off the pace,

-and that's not bad.
-That's not bad.

I've been driving
around there all day.

Here you go.
We'll put you there.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Harry Enfield.

Thank you.

-Good on you.
-That was very nice.

Right. Time now
for some insider dealing.

Jason, what have you
got for us this week?

Well, first of all, the Mini.

So, great news
for Harry at last.

After his appalling run
of bad luck with cars,

he's bought one,
that's good news.

Um, the car's been out
for about 12 months now,

and the first of those cars

are actually
starting to be listed
in Glass's Guide and CAP.

And incredibly enough,
the basic model, the Mini One,

-which is this one...
-Yeah.

Uh, was just on
£10,000 when it was new.

Today that car,
as a used car,
is worth 10,500.

So, you could...

-You could run one
for a year, 10,000 miles...
-Yeah.

...and sell it for
more than you paid for?

And make your profit, £500.

I mean, that sometimes happens
with expensive cars, doesn't it?

-Ferraris and Porsches.
-Yeah.

But something this cheap,
I mean, it just doesn't happen.

That's astonishing.

Look how sick I'm feeling.

Should've bought
a whole dozen of them.

I mean, the problem is...

The same thing
is happening in America.

-Yeah.
-They've just shipped
20,000 over there.

-They sold that in...
-Well, 15 minutes.

-I mean, you know,
ridiculous.
-Gone.

All gone. Yeah.

It really has been a success.
What else is there?

Well, Subaru.

Everyone knows
the Impreza Turbo.

Um, when the car first came out,
it was a great looking car.

But that's the one we remember
unfortunately, the ugly...

CLARKSON: That's the one
we've got now.

DAWE: That's the one
we've got now.

Now, that car's only been out
for just under three years.

But it's been doing so badly
that Subaru realised

-they had to change
the way the thing looks.
-Yeah.

They've actually got
a facelift coming out
in February of next year.

-Which everybody knows about.
-Everybody knows about.

The problem they've got
is that they've got
stacks of these

so they're gonna do
something about it.

And what they're doing
is they're taking three grand,

three grand off the price
of these cars.

-So, how much is it now?
-18,995.

You can buy a brand-new
Subaru Turbo...

-Seriously,
they will do that?
-Yeah.

You walk in, you just go,
"I want 3,000 of that."
They go," Certainly, sir."

They've dropped it
by three grand.

That's before you do
any discount and negotiation.

-Well, there's still...
-The most you'll pay
for one is 18,995.

And then, there'll be
a new, pretty...

I mean, you could
just buy that,

kick it in the headlights
and make it look
better anyway.

That's fantastic.

Good news
if you wanna buy
a new one.

They are so cheap.
But the problem is

that when something
new drops in price,

you've got to reflect that
in the used car values as well.

Yeah, but I haven't
got a used Subaru,
so why do I care?

Because if you were gonna buy
a used Subaru, you shouldn't.

You should wait
for a couple of months.

Wait for these
to flood the market,

and you'll save yourself
another couple of grand
on a used one.

-Brilliant. What else?
-XC90.

The SUV.
The new Volvo SUV.

It's coming to the UK
in about November time.

Volvo have made
a major error with this car

because the car
is just so good.

-But they're only
gonna make 3,500.
-Yeah.

3,500 for the UK
for the whole year.

-Now if you divide that
by 220 dealers...
-Yeah.

...it works out at about
one car per dealer per month.

-Which is nowhere near enough.
-Which is nowhere near enough.

I was talking to someone
from Volvo the other day,
and he said,

"Well, I think we're
only gonna make 50,000."

And I just thought,
I can't believe that

'cause they've got a Volvo.
Pretty popular.

Make it an off-road car.
Well, sort of off-road car.

And that's really
doubly popular.

And then they're gonna put
seven seats in it, three rows,

still space behind
for a Labrador

or any other sort
of Sloaney dog.

And then they've got
TVs in the back.

They've got separate hi-fi
so you can listen to the tapes

in the middle seats
and stereo,

and, um, radio in the front.

And then they said,
"Mmm, don't think we're
gonna sell many of those."

Even though it's £12,000
less than an X5.

-Potty.
-So, Harry, hang on to
your Mini and buy a Volvo,

and you can save so much money
you can buy the Cavalier back.

Mazda have made precisely
two interesting cars
in recent years,

the MX-5,
which is a sports car

for girls and blokes
who like ABBA,

and the RX-7,
which was good,
but a bit daft.

So news of a new
Mazda sports saloon,

ooh, is hardly gonna
excite anyone

outside of the
Finley Green bowls club.

Is it?

People don't buy Mazdas
because they desperately
want a Mazda,

they buy them because...

Well, unfortunately for them,
at that particular time,

it suits their needs.

In that sense, Mazdas
are like seat plungers.

You don't really want one,

but sometimes
you just gotta have one.

Mazdas are good cars
for shy exhibitionists.

You could drive one butt naked

through any major town
in the world,

and not an eye
would be batted.

They're practically invisible.

The Mazda6 needed an image,
so it got one,

and it looks fantastic.

Mazda confess quite openly
to leaning over the shoulders

and cribbing from
BMW and Volkswagen.

But they haven't
been stupid enough

just to turn out
a straight copy.

Oh, no.

The interior doesn't look
like a Japanese copy
of a German design.

This is a Japanese design.

They've used their own ideas.

And the changes are much more
than merely cosmetic.

They haven't
messed around for this car.

They haven't just
tweaked the old 626

and launched it
as an all-new motor.

This is entirely new.
So, there's a whole new
rage of engines.

This is a 2.3 litre,
four cylinder job.

The figures really
aren't that good.

On paper, it's about
166 brake horsepower.

If you're interested,
0-60 is claimed
in nine seconds.

Ho-hum.
But that doesn't tell
the whole story.

The point is it's tuned

so that it's a constant
power delivery.

It's mid-range.
It's always there.

It feels like
a bigger, lazier engine
than it really is.

And then
there's the handling,

which, well, where
did this come from?

This is a Mazda, yes?

Are we quite sure?

It goes round corners
really, really well.

It just grips and grips.

If anything,
it's encouraging me
to misbehave,

and I particularly like that.

This is incredible.

It is exciting to drive,
and I was really
not expecting that.

It's just such a shock,

like discovering someone
really grey and average,

like John Major,
is a shagmeister.

One blip does make itself
abundantly clear pretty quickly.

It's quite noisy.
As soon as you just

head off in one direction
for any length of time
with any speed on,

there's a lot
of road rumble
and wind noise.

That's gonna be bad news
when you get to the motorways.

So, how much will it cost?

Well the cheapest
BMW 3 Series
is 18,695 quid.

And for that,
you'll be lucky
if you get a sun visor.

This is the top spec Mazda6,
it's got everything on it,

and it'll cost you
17,995 quid.

So, will value for money

cure Milton Keynes man
of his BMW addiction?

Probably not.

This is still a Mazda.

People will think of it
as a Mazda.

So no matter how good
it is, let's be honest,

a life of luxury and excitement
in the south of France

does not await
the Mazda6.

I'm sorry.

For you, it's gonna be
a life of haring up
and down the M5,

the M4, service stations,
cheap motels.

But it makes me feel good
that at least we've
brought it out here

for a final,
damn good thrashing.

A final day out, a final fling
before you begin your life

of misery and servitude.

Now, I've driven this car,

and I couldn't believe
how brilliant it was.

It... It just feels
so tight, doesn't it?

-It's sharp
and it's a Mazda.
-I know.

And £700 cheaper than a BMW,
another £700 saved tonight.

With more power and more kit.

Quite an achievement.
Right, more science.

Final attempt at this.
We've been trying to prove

is it possible for a car
to go fast enough to beat
a speed camera?

So far, all we've proven is
it's really, really difficult.

We had a race track,
The Stig to drive the cars,
really fast cars.

Haven't done it.
We're gonna have
one last go.

So far, yes, I agree,
we've failed.

But we haven't
disproved the theory,

just that we need
a quicker car.

Something like this.

-A TVR...

Tuscan S.

Remember, this would be
a crazy thing to do

if we weren't using
a professional racing driver

on our own test track.

No flash.

It never went off.
It was going so fast.

It was over 170 miles an hour.
The camera never saw it.

-CLARKSON: Seriously?
-Absolutely.

So, we've proven
it is a mug's game,

you need two miles
of track,

you need a car that will do
over 170 miles an hour.

But in the name
of science, we did it.

And on that happy note,
we have to start
winding up the show.

The vegetarian car
is still going round outside.

Next week, I go to Wales
with an RS Focus.

Uh, we've got Jamiroquai
frontman Jay Kay

coming here to try
and go faster
than Harry Enfield.

And, um, you know,

you're always seeing
people with motorbikes

try to see how many buses
they can jump? Yeah?

Well, next week,
we're gonna see

how many bikes
we can jump with a bus.

See you then.
Good night!

It's called a Nissan Mildred.