All language subtitles for Difficult.People.S02E08

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- Great show.
- Right? It was amazing.

- Cheers.
- Cheers.

You know, when you first told me

that you'd booked us
to do an alternative comedy show

that started at midnight,

I was certain you'd had a stroke.

Of genius. We totally killed.

And it's all thanks to Shonda Rhimes.

You know how Shonda Rhimes wrote
that book "The Year of Yes,"

about how she said yes
to every opportunity?

You read that?

I read the Amazon review,

and I got the gist,

and I was inspired.

So this is your year of yes?

Well, it's my week of yes,
but it's working so far.

I mean, we did the show,
and it went well.

Julie, Billy, I had to come
meet you guys after that set.

Oh, my God, Method Man?

- Holy shit!
- We love you.

And I love to laugh.

Here's who makes me laugh, you two,

and Bonnie Hunt.

Thank you.

Hey, can we hang out sometimes?

- Yes, yes, yes.
- Yeah, of course, anytime.

Here's my email.

MethodMan@TheMysteries
ofLauraForever. com.

I love that fucking show.

I'll holler.

Method Man is our first famous friend!

Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.MY-SUBS.com

Oh, my God, Billy,

did you see the cover of
Today's "New York Post"?

There's no headline or anything.

It's just a picture of a toilet.

Aren't you supposed to be
having lunch with your mom?

Well, in the spirit of "My Year of No"

by Nonda Rhimes, I blew her off

because I'm in too good of
a mood to deal with her.

I just found tickets for
"#Cats" on Craigslist.

Holy shit, those are hard to get.

I do not approve
of all these Broadway reboots.

I mean, do we need
an all-white "Dreamgirls"?

Yes, but Paula Deen can't sing.

Well, this is gonna be amazing.

Grumpy Cat is a character,

and naturally Sasha Grey
is playing Grizabella.

I'm already squirming in my seat.

Wow, not since Gina Gershon's
star turn in "Bye Bye Birdie"

has the town been so loudly ambivalent.

And you're coming with me, right?

Shit, I wish I could.
I have another thing.

Don't hate me,
but it's exercise-related.

It's Felix.

The cartoon cat with the bag of tricks?

No, it's my new trainer, Felix.

Uh, how can you afford a trainer?

And wouldn't that money be better spent

on real shoes or a blouse that fits?

Oh, ka-zing! Yes, honey!

Matthew, why couldn't you
have been on Flight 93?

No, it's actually not that expensive

because Felix trains me
in his apartment.

Well, then who am I gonna
take to "#Cats"?

I guess I'll force Arthur
to come with me.

Ohh!

I just got a test
from the Craigslist guy.

He said he's giving me the friend rate

and knocking $50 off
the price of tickets.

Wow, maybe you two
will become actual friends.

Well, I mean, he's still charging me.

And as long as there's
a financial transaction,

it's not a real friendship.

I think I could be friends with Felix,

even if he wasn't my trainer.

No, no, that's
the girlfriend experience,

which Sasha Grey could
tell you all about,

but not tonight
because she'll be onstage

belting "Memory."

Sasha Grey, so sad to go from doing porn

to something as degrading
as "Entourage."

Chad, thank you so much
for fitting me in last minute.

No, it's my pleasure. I love seeing you.

♪ Marilyn is my favorite client ♪

Oh, yeah, I've heard that one.

"You're my favorite patient."

Then youtell them you don't
accept their insurance.

Oh, stop, you are a panic.

Really, I'm sorry for no notice.

Ugh, my daughter
cancelled on me once again

because she wanted to hang out
with her gay best friend.

Well, to be fair, gay
best friends usually do trump

all other plans for a gal that
don't involve getting fucked.

Wish I had a gay best friend.

Cheer up, buttercup.
I'll be your bestie.

Plus, I hear gays are
really great listeners.

So we have that in common.

Turn around, bright eyes.

Ta-da!

I could stand Julie up
and hang out with you.

That's right, and then we'll show her

a thing or two about a thing or two.

Really? You'll do this?

You had me at "Keep the shampooer's tip.

I don't like her attitude."

That was years ago. We've come so far.

Oh, you want to hear a funny
story about coming so far?

Last night I was
watching "Modern Family."

- Phil Dunphy was shirtless.
- Yeah?

Long story short,
I ruined a wall sconce.

Pew!

Jesus, Chad.

So wait, Method Man,

you really want to pitch a show with us?

Judd Apatow has Lena Dunham, right?

Ira Glass has Mike Birbiglia, right?

And now Method Man's gonna
have Julie and Billy.

Oh, my God, are you serious?

I'm so happy I can't feel my limbs.

Although that could
also be a side effect

of my new antidepressants.

You can't not be funny.

So what kinda TV you guys want to do?

Sitcom, talk show,

maybe one of those streaming joints

that claims to be a comedy
but no one on the staff

truly knows how to write a joke

even if you put a gun to their head?

Julie and I have been talking
a lot about sketch.

Sketch comedy, love it.

I'll have my reps put together
some network pitch meetings.

Wow.

Hey, you guys want to get
some dinner later?

I wish I could. I have my trainer.

Ah, no dinner.

And I got tickets to see "#Cats."

"#Cats." Say word.

Yeah.

All right, Billy, feeling good?

Yeah, I'm ready. Let's do this.

Okay.

Why don't we start
with a weighted squat?

Okay, fine.

Small, no?

All right.

Delicious. Good one.

All right, let's move on.

Wait, I only did one rep.

I have a very specific process.

We do frequent micro-intervals.

I swear you're gonna see
amazing results.

Awesome.

All right, let's stretch it
out with a roller.

But I didn't do anything.

Okay, how 'bout instead
of you criticizing yourself,

you trust me?

And you start feeling really good

about the changes you've
already started making.

Okay, yeah.

I mean, it's hard, you know?

When you grow up a fat kid,

you're always a fat kid.

I cut out sugar this week.

And white flour after eight.

Well, ten.

Well, 12:30 if there's a good "Colbert."

You know what would
make this a lot easier?

If you upgrade to my meal plan.

Oh, that sounds expensive.

It is, but if you're
doing micro-intervals,

you gotta confuse your body

with a four-five-two-three-one
ratio of fats, proteins,

ketones, lipids and amino acids.

- Okay.
- How 'bout this?

I'll let you try it for a week for free.

Wow, really?

Man, I feel like I'm getting
paid to get leaner.

Like Carrie Fisher, who makes me sad.

- Julie?
- James from Craigslist?

Yeah, yeah.
You could just call me James.

Uh, here are the tickets.

Ah, I'm so excited! Thank you so much!

- Yeah, no problem.
- And here is the cash.

- Fantastic.
- Can we hug?

- I know it's weird, but...
- Okay.

- Thank you again.
- No problem.

- All right, have a good one.
- You too.

- Enjoy the show.
- Thank you.

Sorry, ma'am,

there's something wrong
with your tickets.

What are you talking about?

My friend James sold these to me.

They're fine.

Yeah, it looks like

your friend James sold you
some fraudulent tickets.

What?

Little bitch, you've been scammed.

Hi, James, it's Julie Kessler,

from Craigslist. Remember me?

You fucking scammed me,
you piece of shit!

I will never leave you alone
until you pay me back.

You fucked with the wrong bitch, James!

I don't have a real job,

and I'm very good at holding grudges.

Okay, fuck you, bye.

You know what, noodles,
third time was the charm.

I think that voicemail
evened out the karma.

No, I'm not done with him.

I am never leaving him alone

until he pays me back,
kills himself or both.

I'm gonna leave him another voicemail.

What can I say
that's gonna hurt him most?

I want him to suffer.

And I want to be the one that causes it.

This must be what it's like
to be Ryan Murphy

in the "American Horror Story"
writers' room.

Hmm.

Julie, you should know better than that.

Ryan Murphy is never in
the "American Horror Story"

writers' room.

I'm not even sure there is one.

Hey, are you okay?

You seem a little out of it.

Yeah, I'm fine. I don't know.

My trainer keeps feeding me
all this heavy food.

Apparently it's in
the right ratio, I don't know.

All I know is it's a lot of goose fat.

But it's my year of yes,

so I'm just gonna keep saying yes

in the hopes that I too
one day create "Grey's Anatomy."

Method Man!

There's my superstars. What's good?

Yay!

First network pitch.

Yes, sir.

So tell me, how was "#Cats"?

So listen to this, you're a rapper.

You know about injustice
and being fucked over, right?

I bought fake tickets.

Get the fuck outta here.

So you never got in to see the show?

No, no, they turned me away

like some disgusting
tourist wearing flip-flops.

Although the way people
dress for the theater nowadays,

you probably could have
got in dressed like that.

Shit! Now I'm mad about that.

I'm gonna leave this guy
another voicemail.

Hold on.

Hey, cocksucker, it's me again.

Folks, we're ready for you.

Hello, hello, hello.

- Hey, hey, how are you?
- Hi, good to see...

Hey, guys.

Hey.

Hey, hey, hey.

Oh.

All right.

Method Man.

Method to his Man-ness.

Double-M, oh!

We here at The Peacock,

we love you, and we love Wu.

And I love Julie and Billy.

So I'm just gonna cut to the chase.

What we're proposing is a sketch show,

starring us, on NBC.

Now, I know what you're thinking.

NBC already has "Saturday Night Live."

But does it?

Julie and I want to do
a show like "Key and Peele,"

except we're not black
or even bi-racial.

- Not even a little bit.
- No, I think all four

of our biological parents
come from the shetl

in Lithuania or Belarus.

Yeah, genetically Billy and I
are pretty pure, you know?

Which is ironic.

Yeah, I mean, in terms
of Hitler's goals.

Ah, ah, ah, flag on the field.

Hitler's a little problematic for us.

Does he have to be a character?

Yes.

I get it, I get it,
I get it, I get it, I love it.

And I love the two of you.

- Really?
- Ah, thank you.

- Wow, great, thanks.
- That's awesome.

I am unfortunately
gonna have to pass though.

Just a hard pass right here
in the room right now.

- The fuck?
- Well, um... hmm.

I will level with you.

NBC is currently rethinking

it's commitment to comedy

in the way that you decide
to take a break from an ex

who has already dumped you.

But this has been a lot of fun.

If you could just leave
your unopened waters

with Kathleen, that'd be great.

Fuck NBC.

We'll go sell our show somewhere else.

Is this Shonda Rhimes
or Billy Epstein talking?

Come on, let's go get pizza.

All right, I'll walk with you,

'cause I actually brought my own lunch.

My trainer's making me
all my meals this week for free.

- He wants to fuck you.
- No, please.

If he wanted to fuck me, he
wouldn't have to give me food.

Besides, he's straight.

I think he just wants to be my friend.

Billy, I promise you,
there's no such thing

as being friends with someone
you are employing.

Have we learning nothing from
Tom Cruise and Kate Holmes?

Well, it might be cool to make the leap

from trainer to friend.

It wouldn't be
the worst thing in the world

for me to have a second friend.

But all the lights were off,
so it wouldn't matter anyway.

Is that my mom?

Yeah, and why is she here
with the real life Matt Damon

from "Behind the Candelabra"?

I think that's her hairdresser.

Ooh, that's the type of guy that exists

only to let you know you've
walked into the wrong bar.

Hi, Mom. Oh, so sorry to interrupt.

Julie, what are you doing here?

Well, you and I had lunch plans,

and then you cancelled,
and yet here you sit.

My gay bestie, Chad, and I

decided we'd come here, sit on our asses

and make fun of everybody walking by.

- Sound familiar?
- Got it, all right.

- Well, have fun, you two.
- Wait.

How does it feel to be stood up

by someone who'd rather
hang out with their gay BFF?

Really, Mom? Is that what this is about?

Fine, but just remember,
he can't be your real friend

as long as you're still paying him.

Honey, if I were being paid,

I would be on all-fours

with a ball gag in my male vagina.

No, my best friend is outrageous!

You are.

Stop. Stop now.

Today we're kicking it up a notch

with something called interval eating.

I need you consuming
small meals frequently

in between spurts
of highly intense workouts.

Go ahead.

- While I'm running?
- While you're running.

Okay, well, I'm in ShondaLand,

so I will say yes to that.

Great.

Just gotta say, Billy,

I really appreciate
how much you trust me.

Yeah, sure.

- Hit it.
- Again?

Hey, you maybe want
to hang out sometime,

like when I'm not training?

It's so weird you said that,

'cause I was just thinking
that we should be friends.

Here you go.

But I thought I was maybe
crossing some sort of line.

Why don't you come over tomorrow night?

I got some friends coming over.

It'll be chill. I'm cooking a meal.

Thanks.

Can I bring my friend Julie?

I can't understand you.

Can my friend Julie come?

Oh, absolutely.
Now hit that thing again.

Again?

Do you like French fries?

Now, now... At the same time?

Yeah, get it in there.
This is important.

All right, slow it down
a little bit on the workout,

but focus on the eating. Focus.

Hey, are you named after
Felix, the cartoon cat

with his bag of tricks?

I can't understand you.

Are you named after Felix,

the cartoon cat with his bag of tricks?

It's too much food.

- Yes.
- I'm good.

You're still here.

Oh, thank God.

Detective, please,
help us book this perp.

I'm sorry about your
bad ticket scalping experience,

but I've got just one
or two more pressing crimes

in New York that I have to prioritize.

Oh, yeah? Well, my job's hard too, okay?

I had to recap the season
finale of "Jerseylicious,"

and it was a two-parter,

and I only got paid
my regular rate, so...

Well, here's what I have
to do before the end of my day.

We've got to ID a headless
corpse and find the killer,

knowing that Robert Durst
was in custody at the time.

We're staking out a suspected cannibal

in Sunset Park.

And finally we just found out
that the Impractical Jokers

are a front for a prostitution ring.

So once I deal with all of that,

I'll look into your tickets.

Have a nice day.

So, like, Tuesday, you think maybe?

Thank you.

Maybe it's time you moved on.

Oh, don't worry. I already have.

Phase two.

Hi, James. It's Julie Kessler again.

Remember me, the girl you scammed?

Well, I just wanted to let you know.

Those tickets I bought
were for me and my sister,

who has cancer.

Her dying wish was to see "#Cats,"

but now poor... S. Epatha

is gonna have to pass away
without ever having seen it.

I had a whole evening
planned for us too.

I had a white limo, a string quartet.

But you ruined it.

I'm coming, S. Epatha!

Don't cry. I know the pain is terrible.

I can't believe that
you played the cancer card.

Really? How long have you known me?

And you thought the cancer card
was at the bottom of the deck?

Honey, we haven't even hit the middle.

Felix, this place is so
different when it's not a gym.

Oh, totally.

I bet it's also super weird
to see me in jeans too,

like when you used to see
your teacher in public.

Oh, it's super hot,
and you have to pretend

that you don't know each other
in front of his wife?

How 'bout a tour of the kitchen?

- Sure.
- Is this a pizza oven?

Yea, but this one's higher than normal.

I think it was designed for calzones.

Huh, I haven't seen a lot
of these gadgets before.

So, Billy, do you enjoy
training with Felix?

Oh, yeah, it's awesome.

It's like my own personal
"Celebrity Fit Club,"

except I don't have to compete

with Kevin Federline and Tweedledee.

Well, Felix enjoys training you.

Oh, awesome.

And all of you guys are trainers or...

Yes.

Trainer.

That's great.

What's the deal with creepy ZZ Top?

I don't know.
You're asking creepy ZZ Bottom.

Wait, so what do you think?

You think Felix is a real
friend or a paid-for friend?

Well, I stand corrected

in that I think he genuinely likes you.

- See?
- But if this food

is indicative of the meal plan
he's giving you,

I can't see how you could
possibly be losing weight.

- I'm not losing weight.
- Right.

I'm gaining,
but Felix says that's because

muscle weighs more than fat.

Oh, I've heard that one before.

That and, "Keep watching 'Mad Men.'

It gets less boring."

Okay, this is our
marathon pitch day, all right?

Remember, we're gonna see
a ton of networks today.

So we may need to do
a little tailoring on the pitch

depending on where we're at with it.

- Sure.
- Huh? Huh?

Oh, shit.

This is Ghostface.

This better be about
that frittata recipe.

Dingy ass, I've been hounding
him for about three months.

Okay, folks, my boss will
be with you in just a moment.

Here are your waters.

You look familiar.

Oh, you know what it is?

I used to be VP of Development at NBC.

Yeah, you guys pitched for me on Monday.

- Oh.
- Oh, yeah.

Break a leg.

Okay, check it out,

our show is gonna punch you,

and then once you pass out

we're gonna draw a dick
on your face and take a picture.

- Yeah.
- It's cunty, it's bitchy,

it's gossipy, cunty fun.

There's cunts everywhere!

This is gonna be animation,

but it's also gonna be live action,

and then it's genre.

And here's the thing,
if we don't have a joke,

we're just gonna do something weird.

Yeah, or random.

Now do you guys vape

or shall I bring out my clown bong?

Am I a girl? Yes.

But do I have a filthy mouth?

Why don't you ask my asshole.

And that's our show.

Starring us.

Okay, let's shoot a pilot.

Really?

Absolutely, we here at Al Jazeera

are always looking for comedy.

Really?

And you two would be the perfect way

to launch our rebrand.

Al Jazeera America sadly is no more,

but we're relaunching
as Al Jazeera Xtreme.

It's "Xtreme" with an X.

We mean it in a Mountain Dew way.

Don't worry.

- I love that.
- And we love you!

Billy and Julie, you are the new face

of Al Jazeera.

- Thank you.
- Gangsta!

Whoo!

We are the stars of Al Jazeera Xtreme!

Oh, my God!

My first big break,
and my mother can never know.

I have one extra surprise.

I have VIP tickets

for tonight's performance of "#Cats."

- Oh, my God!
- Ahh! Oh, my God!

Thank you so much.

Hey, look, it's gonna be me,

you guys, and whoever
y'all want to bring.

- I'll bring Felix, my trainer.
- Felix, your friend.

Oh, this is the best.

I can't wait to rub it
in the face of my scammer.

Listen, Jules, I've had beef

with a lot of people over the years.

But Shonda Rhimes
helped me realize something.

One, that there are limits

to what even Viola Davis
can make seem plausible.

And two, the best way
to say yes to yourself

is to forgive your enemies.

That's really good advice.

I needed to hear that.

Yeah, that's what friends are for.

I'm gonna text him right now.

"Hey, James.

"I forgive you.

"Everything worked out,

and I'm gonna see '#Cats' tonight."

And don't that shit feel good?

Here, I made some
caramel corn for the show.

- Oh.
- You see, dressing on the side,

- everything worked out.
- I know, right?

Oh, fuck! It's my Craigslist scammer.

I never should have sent that last text.

Oh, forgiveness is such
a rookie mistake.

Do me a favor, okay?
Get my mom out of this.

She can't know the sister cancer thing.

On it.

So excited for this.

Who's that guy?

He is some crazy fan

of Julie's recaps.

So he's gay? Pity.

I was hoping he was someone viable.

Always good to see you too, Marilyn.

Hello, Arthur. Where's my date?

Julie, I should never have scammed you.

Hey, don't worry about it.
Who loves you, baby?

Telly Savalas. Good-bye forever.

No, let me just...

Let me make her dream night come true.

I got the violins, the limo, everything.

You know what, you can't. It's fine.

Why?

Because my sister just died.

- Oh, fuck.
- Your sister died?

From cancer.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Thank you. But you know what?

She wouldn't have wanted us to be sad.

That wasn't like her.

She would have wanted tonight

to be about celebration and friendship

and "#Cats."

God damn right, Jules!

Let's go enjoy "#Cats."

- In her honor.
- In her honor.

- Let's do this.
- Let's do it.

Was that Method Man?

Thanks for bringing me
to the show tonight, Julie.

You know what?

I get why you stand me up sometimes,

because having a gay best friend
really is so special.

Ah, here come the kitties.

Oh!

Chad-Chad-Chad!

Chad, stop that!

You're gay.

I'm bi.

Oh, my God.

Get off her... hey, okay.

Hey, hey, hey, get off of her!

Hey, get off of her!

Okay, fuck this noise.

All right, I don't want
to be in the friend zone,

and I'm not gonna sit
through some bullshit musical

if it's not gonna get me
any pussy later.

- Oh, you're a monster.
- Give her a break asshole.

Her daughter just died of cancer.

Excuse me?

Ra-roh.

What's going on here?

And don't lie to me, little white lady.

I made up a lie about having a sister

with cancer who died

to make my Craigslist scammer feel bad.

That takes the cake, Julie.

I don't work with liars.

You two can kiss your
Al Jazeera show good-bye.

Get the fuck out of VIP.

- Method Man.
- Al Jazeera?

Get the fuck out of my section.

- My God.
- Can we just stay for act one?

- Let's go.
- Security!

Have you been radicalized?

- We're leaving.
- What is going on?

Move, move, move, move, move!

Hands up!

You are surrounded. Do not flee.

Hold your fire.

James and I are cool now.

Guys, let me handle this.

- Oh.
- Excuse me.

Detective, there's been a misunder...

What? What's happening?

- Ohh!
- What's happening?

- Cannibal apprehended!
- What?

Why are you arresting my trainer?

He's a cannibal, son.

What?

He eats human flesh.

I know what a cannibal is.

We brought down
a ring of them in Sunset Park,

pretending to be trainers.

It's not fair.

I fattened you. I can find you.

Don't keep me from my veal!

Look at him. He's perfect.

He's so tall and fat.
You never find that!

It's perfect to cook!

It'll fall right off the bone

after four hours at 375.

Get him out of here!

With carrots and potatoes!

I'm fat?

Well, I guess the lesson is

you can't be friends
with people you pay.

Yeah, also I was almost eaten.

No wonder I never saw
a lemon zester like that.

Bastard.

I don't know what traumatized me more.

Cannibalism, bisexuality, Al Jazeera.

I feel like I could use a good shrink.

It's a good thing I'm me.

And now that I think of it,

that Pilates bar
that he was rotating me on

was probably a spit roast.

Okay, folks, my name
is Kevin, and I'll be...

Wait a second, I know the two of you.

You're my friends.

Oh, no, we're not your friends,

and we don't need to know your name.

Kevin, let me ask you a question.

How's the veal?

Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.MY-SUBS.com