Original subtitles

Who knows better about Mr. Tree...

than our bestest buddy, Ruff the Bear?

I ain't taking no orders from no chipmunk.

Let's do it. I want to waste that chipmunk once and for all.

I send you out to whack a chipmunk...

and you come back with a mouthful of excuses.

You can't hurt me. You can't hurt my people.

They're snatching Uncle Buckle-Up!

Why would somebody resort to kidnapping over a few stuffed animals?

Their heads are not supposed to come off until we want them to come off.

Then we'll take care of all of them.

All of them, including...

Chipmunks are a dime a dozen.

An actor can tell when his career's coming to an end.

In 1972, a crack commando unit...

was sent to prison by a military court...

for a crime they didn't commit.

These men promptly escaped...

from a maximum-security stockade...

to the Los Angeles underground.

Today, still wanted by the government...

they survive as soldiers of fortune.

If you have a problem, if no one else can help...

and if you can find them...

maybe you can hire the A-Team.

And so, chiperoos, be very, extra, chipmunk careful...

with Safety Enemy Number 1...

especially around...

Mr. Tree.

And who knows better about Mr. Tree...

than our bestest buddy...

Ruff the Bear?

Shall we visit him?

Hello, Ruff!

Well, it looks like Ruff the Bear is hibernating.

You know what that means?

That means we're getting close to Christmas.

So...

pay extra-special chipmunk attention to these words...

from our bestest friends at World of Toys.

And we're in commercial.

It looks like Ruff the Bear has been visiting his bestest buddy...

Mr. Whiskey.

I know we're family, Jorge...

and Aunt Josie asked me to give you a job while you're out on parole...

but frankly, you're starting to try my patience.

Listen, Syd, I can't help it if it was Mueller's coming-out party.

I had to share in his joy, you know?

You know, I have news for you, pally.

You're not supposed to party with your former cellmates.

This show is called Uncle Buckle-Up Safety Program...

not The Known Associates Show.

I am up to here with the bear, Syd.

Yeah, well, we stand for something fine, something beautiful.

Now get into the car.

Syd, I just need a ride to my car. I don't need a sermon.

Get into the car.

We want a clean kill here. Hit-and-run...

no questions asked. - Got it.

Come on, man, they close the lot at 8:00.

Buckle up.

Could you maybe cut me a break here, Syd?

I got a hangover that'd kill a bull.

- Seat belt. - Jerk!

What are you, nuts?

You know, after the show, a lot of kids come out here...

and I have an image to protect.

I wouldn't want the chiperoos knowing that their bestest buddy, Ruff the Bear...

is a candidate for a halfway cave.

All right, that's it. That's it. I have had it with you.

I have had it with you!

Come on, Syd, I need my car. I'm taking Mueller to the strip show.

That's it. That's it.

Get an ambulance! Get an ambulance!

Ruff the Bear?

This is gonna be it, Face.

This is gonna be the part that takes off.

But, Hannibal, a bear?

And on TV? TV's not for you. You know, you're a powerhouse.

You need 28 feet of canvas to explode out of.

- You'll get lost in a little screen. - I've been thinking about that, Face.

But, you know, television is an intimate medium...

and I'm an intimate kind of a guy.

Like Rambo's an intimate kind of guy.

What you have to do is...

you have to get to the bear...

in his undisturbed state of mind.

I see.

- What do you think? - I think you've lost your mind.

And what's so important about this job...

that you schlep all of us down to the zoo?

You seem awfully uptight about this.

I mean, you know, you've lost other jobs to other actors.

They're just not writing my kind of picture anymore.

Yeah, romance and comedy, you know. Who needs it?

Yeah, but you know...

that shark at Universal, he worked for years.

Yeah, but, Hannibal, this is a kids' show.

This bear sings and dances. You know, you could look foolish.

Clint Eastwood and Lee Marvin did Paint Your Wagon...

and they danced and they sang. Now, did they look foolish?

Indescribably so.

But they went on to bigger things.

Not singing, and definitely not dancing.

Well, it was a gap in their technique.

A gap I do not intend to have.

And what do you know about the technique involved in doing a children's show?

Well, that's why I called Murdock.

As soon as he gets here, we head to the studio. Now, Face...

watch.

This is not working out for me, Preston.

For 15 years, we had a deal with Tamco Toys, without a snag.

Perfect toys every time.

And we got letters. You wanna see some letters?

- I'll show you some letters. - I don't wanna see no letters, Sydney.

Well, and then...

you switched us over to this... - Kam Jeoung Ree.

Whatever.

And these bozos send us nothing but junk.

Sydney, I told you before. It is cheaper making the dolls in Asia.

I don't know about that.

I've got some figures that say it's a lot cheaper to make them over here--

Honey, I want you to stay out of this.

This is junk!

Look at this! The heads come off!

The heads come off, for crying out loud.

Now we really get letters.

Last week, some kid swallowed one of my eyes.

Me, Uncle Buckle-Up, an international symbol of child safety...

and kids are swallowing my eyes like they're jelly beans.

Syd, watch your blood pressure.

I'm going to the Safety Commission with this.

I wouldn't do that, Syd.

Watch me.

Hey, honey? You better talk some sense into him.

If you're looking for an ally, you're in the wrong shop.

Four, five, six, seven.

A one, two, three, four, five, six, seven.

And a one, two, three, four, five...

This is it! This is it.

This is the Uncle Buckle-Up set.

This is the cave where Ruff the Bear lives.

I used to watch this show all the time when I was a kid.

- John Smith? - Yes.

- John Smith. - Yes, ma'am.

- Are you John Smith? - Yes.

You're late, John...

but don't worry about it.

You're gonna have to do better in the future, though, huh?

I'm Jackie, and I'm the associate producer.

Hannibal! Hannibal, if you want this part, if you want this part...

I can get it for you. For the usual 10%.

But you're gonna have to really want it.

You're gonna have to sing Blueberries in my Cave...

you're gonna have to do the sunrise dance--

Blueberries in my Cave? It's a song that encourages kids...

to eat a nutritious breakfast. It's like this.

♪ There's a signal in my tummy ♪

♪ It wants something sweet and yummy ♪

♪ But I know that it's not good for me ♪

♪ So I can put blueberries in my cave ♪

♪ Breads and cereals, they're okay ♪

Like that.

- You know, Murdock's right. - Yeah?

These roly-polies can play it. I can act it.

Besides, kids' shows run forever.

I ain't taking no orders from no chipmunk.

I'm not gonna be a chipmunk, B.A. I'm gonna be a bear.

Oh, yeah?

- Let me see your résumé. - I only got two.

Give me one.

Well, now, you can't cross out The Killgator, that's one of my favorites.

Not a good role model for kids. Nope.

Murdock, you can't take out The Aquamaniac.

I'm proud of The Aquamaniac.

I'm sorry, Murdock.

I've got to stand on my credits.

Ruff the Bear...

Ruff the Bear...

would never, never smoke.

I see here that you were the Killgator, John, and the Aquamaniac.

Yes, that's right.

Those are very frightening characters, aren't they, John?

Well, I tried to play them with an air of vulnerability.

I'm sure you did. But this is a children's show.

We're a little worried that since you've played so many frightening characters...

you're not gonna be able to adjust to the roly-poliness of Ruff the Bear.

I'm sure, if I get a chance, I could play this role with dimension.

Well, that's why you're here, to get just that chance.

Can you roar for us, John?

I thought I was reading for Ruff the Bear.

So roar like a bear, John-O.

- But bears don't roar. - I beg your pardon?

Bears don't roar, they growl.

Well, ours roars.

Never underestimate children.

They know a lot more than adults think.

They're very aware, and if you talk down to them--

Can I just hear a roar?

- What kind of a roar? - Just roar with your best judgment.

What was that? That wasn't much of a roar.

It sounded more like the Cowardly Lion from The Wizard of Oz.

That's it, Bert Lahr. It's my favorite roar.

Okay, next.

You'll be hearing from us, John.

Well, if I could just read for the part.

- You'll be hearing from us, John. - I've done a lot of research.

Well, I've really been thinking "bear."

Okay, okay, okay.

Show us how you drink water with your paw.

Well, bears don't drink with their paws.

Next.

He comes out the stage door right over there.

This time we'll use the heavy artillery.

Syd, what's wrong?

I'll be all right, kid.

Maybe we should cancel your appearance tonight, huh?

No, I've gotta be there.

All right. Well, if you change your mind, let me know.

One, two, three, four.

And a one, two, three, four...

Hannibal, how'd it go?

Well, I...

This is it, guys.

An actor can tell when his career's coming to an end.

You can only play the Aquamaniac a certain number of times...

before you've explored every aspect of his character.

That...

was my chance at television immortality.

Yeah, but, Hannibal, it was just a bear.

They weren't looking for the definitive Hamlet.

They just wanted a guy who wouldn't sweat too much in a fur coat.

Right?

You want this part?

You want this part?

You got this part.

Stay away from the toy convention.

Now listen, you two-bit, washed-up, no-talent bum...

a dead actor gets no residuals. You hear what I'm saying?

Hold it right there, pal.

They're snatching Uncle Buckle-Up!

Come on. Sydney, are you all right?

Whoever you are, I owe you one.

Sydney, I'm H.M. Murdock...

and this is my client...

John "Hannibal" Smith.

You're the Aquagator.

You want the job, you got it.

I mean, Jorge may have rhythm, but you are Ruff the Bear.

I've always been interested in child safety.

Then about three months ago, Herman Price...

the man who's been handling my merchandising for the past 25 years...

retired.

- You been a chipmunk for 25 years? - Longer.

He's had his own show since 1956.

'Cause I know, when I was a kid, I always wanted to be a Helpful Hamster.

Well, all I can say is, after the way you jumped on those guys...

you're the most helpful hamster in the world.

Any time, Syd.

So you think the trouble's coming from inside your own company?

Maybe. After Herman left...

the syndication people wanted to bring somebody in from outside the company.

A real fire-eater.

That's when they brought in Preston.

And he brought his own people with him.

And then the creep goes ahead and breaks the contract with Tamco Toys...

and jobs the dolls to some company in Asia nobody ever heard about.

And they start sending us junk.

But the price goes up.

And the quality goes down.

Suddenly, I find myself selling the very thing...

I've been fighting my whole life against.

Anyway, this Preston fellow must be tied into it somehow.

All this is over some dolls?

Yeah, B.A.'s right.

Why would somebody resort to kidnapping over a few stuffed animals?

- They almost killed my nephew. - Your nephew?

Your predecessor, Ruff.

You know, at first I thought it was an accident.

Now I see it was a warning.

I'm afraid somebody's gonna get killed.

What can you do with people like this?

You find their toy box...

and then you pull all the wheels off their little trucks.

Oh, yeah.

I send you out to whack a chipmunk...

and you come back with a mouthful of excuses.

Look, Nick, the guy had guards.

Do you know what you made happen to me?

I was sitting at a luncheon at a businessman's association...

getting a plaque for my...

"For my many contributions to the welfare of the children of Encino."

And this maitre d' comes up to me and taps me on my shoulder...

and says there's a gentleman here to see me.

I look up and I see this clown...

in a yellow and green plaid sports jacket...

and I say to the maître d', "That's impossible, sir.

"I have no business here with this man."

And the maître d' says...

real loud...

like he's rooting for the Dodgers...

"He claims to, sir. Says he's a bail bondsman, sir."

Nicky, I can't operate if my people are in jail.

It's like I'm in a monster movie.

Nick, if I tried to make bail, I would've blown my cover.

I turn into a punk.

And all these manicureds are staring at me.

And suddenly I'm wearing a double-breasted pinstripe suit...

and I'm a punk holding onto a cheap piece of wood with some tin nailed to it.

- You think that's funny? - I'll take care of it, Nick.

That's what you said yesterday.

We've got millions of dollars riding on this thing.

Hey, Nick, I know exactly what we got on this thing.

Then when the hell are you gonna get a hold of that punk again, huh?

When are you gonna get a hold of him?

That crumb's probably hiding somewhere in some hole somewhere.

No, Nick, not our Syd. No, he called that PR broad, that Kelly.

He said he's gonna make that appearance at the toy convention.

Oh, that's just great.

Our shill's gonna be at a toy convention, in the middle of a floor...

standing in front of our booth...

yapping at the top of his lungs to the ever-loving mommies...

how much garbage our toys are.

That'll never happen, Nick.

- You seem pretty sure about that. - I am.

Yeah, well, I hope so...

'cause your life depends upon it.

Get out of here.

Well, everything seems to be quiet here.

Man, I can't believe all this.

I'm telling you, kids' stuff is big business.

If Hannibal takes this job...

you looking at $25,000 just for a personal appearance.

$25,000?

That's right. Just for opening a supermarket.

You know, Hannibal might look pretty good...

in that Ruff the Bear costume, don't you think?

Listen, Syd, it's better if I do it.

We don't know who's out there, or what they're gonna do.

You look at him. He hasn't even played the bear yet and now he wants my part.

Syd, I don't like this. I think that we should call the police.

And what do we tell them?

There's been a kidnapping and attempted murder.

Oh, they're a lot of help. They're a lot of help.

You know, they arrested the kidnappers...

in an hour they let them out on bail.

Would you talk to this man, please?

You'll be a target out there, Syd.

It's better if I do it.

I've been a target all my life. It's my hobby.

Your friends can take care of us.

Besides, if you go out there, the kids will know the difference.

You know, it's not just that I'm a clown.

There's only one me.

Syd, you've got a phone call.

- Now? - He said it was important.

- What do you do with a man like that? - Keep him off the stage.

How?

For a man who makes his living playing a chipmunk...

he's about as pigheaded as they come.

It's all quiet out there, Hannibal.

- And we're all set in the theater. - Good.

We'll go with the plan.

You guys answer me one question.

Who are you?

Oh, well, I'd be glad to explain it to you.

So explain.

Oh, no, I didn't mean here.

What I had in mind was someplace quiet.

A quiet filled with the gentle strains of gypsy violins.

A quiet where the soft bubble of champagne...

mixes mystically with the sizzle of moussaka.

Yes, a place where the sound of two hearts beating as one...

drowns out the murmur of lovers.

Something tells me we'd never get to the answer.

What was it?

They just told me if I went on, they'd kill me.

And now, without further ado...

it's my great pleasure to introduce a friend to us all...

Uncle Buckle-Up and his woodland chums.

Hello, chiperoos...

Let's do it. I'm gonna waste that chipmunk once and for all.

First thing, we are going to meet...

all of our little friends, the ones we have learned to love and live with...

It's those guys again! Let's get out of here!

Let's chat.

You blew it again?

And this time you lost a man?

Nicky, they got this guy guarded like he was a president or something.

Nicky, it's spooky.

All of a sudden they got machine guns, they're blowing us apart.

Nick, I was lucky to get out of there with my life.

That remains to be seen.

All right, Nick, I can still handle this. I got an idea.

You got an idea, huh?

You can't handle a chipmunk...

and you tell me you got an idea?

I got an idea, too.

- Oh, good, Nick. - Yeah.

I'm gonna throw you right through this window, you see?

And before you hit this pavement, you could tell me what your idea is.

Nick, you know we can't get to this guy directly, right?

You already proved that.

I'm looking for some side door, you know?

So, like, we can get something on this guy, right?

Guess what I found, Nick? A daughter.

Wait till you see this, Nick.

Look here, Nick. This is a tax form.

Nick, do you want my glasses?

It says this guy has a daughter.

Okay? So I say, get the girl, we got the man.

Maybe.

- It'll work, Nick. - You better not mess this one up.

It's done, Nick. It's done.

And what about this guy you left behind?

Cobb? He's a good soldier, Nick. He knows just when to keep his mouth shut.

His name is Gretsch. G-R-E-T-S-C-H.

Help me. Come on, please.

Pull me up, please.

Oh, come on, please, please.

Come on, please, please, please.

It'll be interesting to see who gets tired first...

B.A. or the lion.

That's all I know. I promise.

Try not to sweat too much.

Lions tend to look on it as au jus.

I swear I'm telling you the truth.

Actually, you're pretty lucky. These are African lions.

The Asiatics are the jumpers.

Please.

They're not man-eaters. Only when they're hungry.

They do look kind of underfed, don't they?

Where would we find Mr. Gretsch?

Fun 4 All Amusements. 2750 Marshall Boulevard, Santa Monica.

He's there now. Go see him. He's the one you want.

Kelly, take Syd back to the studio...

and set up a press conference for tonight.

- We'll go look up Mr. Gretsch. - I'm going with you.

You'd be safer at the studio.

Look, this man has fouled my nest.

I wanna look in his eye when I tell him so.

- Be reasonable, Syd. - Face, you take her.

It'll be my pleasure.

And check Preston's office. See what you can dig up.

All right.

If he comes in, bag him and call us in the van.

Syd, shall we?

Wait, where are you going? I told you, come back here.

We're here to see Mr. Gretsch.

Wouldn't he make a great doll?

I don't like it.

Their heads are not supposed to come off until we want them to come off.

Mr. Preston said this is the only way he could do it.

The first shipment is at the warehouse now. We'll see how it worked.

If you mess this up, we'll see how easy your head comes off.

Hi, guys.

Nice toys they've got around here.

Would you look at this?

Well, it looks like it's made to come off.

- But why? - I don't know.

But I'll bet he's got a warehouse full of them. Maybe we should take a peek.

- You ain't too smart, mister. - Maybe not.

But I'm a real expert at telling other people what to do.

Now, here are your orders.

You're going to take us to the warehouse...

and then you're gonna get out of the Uncle Buckle-Up business.

Now let's go.

How many Buckle-Up dolls did you sell last year?

About 100,000.

Hey, that's interesting. According to this audit...

this year Preston's imported nearly 200,000 dolls.

Have the ratings of the show been going up?

No. As a matter of fact, the show's been slipping this last season.

Well, why would he import twice as many dolls as he could possibly sell?

I don't know.

Well, we'll just have to ask Preston, won't we?

Hey, you better go back to the office and set up the press conference.

Okay. A couple of calls should do that.

Great. And meet me down on the stage. We'll wait for Preston there.

Yeah.

We're just about set. I just have to call them back in five minutes to confirm.

Terrific. We can wrap this whole thing up before tomorrow's show.

You know, I really do appreciate everything that you're doing for Sydney.

Well, what would the world be without Uncle Buckle-Up?

You mean you're a fan, too?

Me? The biggest. I've been watching the show for years.

Yeah, all the way back to when Rob Parker played Ruff.

What happened to the Truthful Turtle here?

- Who? - The Truthful Turtle.

Truthful? He sits right here in front of the log.

People keep stepping on him.

I don't know. It...

- Just... - You know...

the Truthful Turtle can always tell when a chiperoo is exaggerating.

You're right. I don't really watch the show.

I'd be a little concerned about you if you did.

- Really? - Mmm-hmm.

You know, you don't have to play the Good Manners Mole...

to make friends with me.

I had better go call the agency back.

Okay, hot rod, the party's over.

Okay, pal, we're gonna go talk to Uncle Buckle-Up.

Well, Sydney is no longer your shill, so you can forget it.

- Is that right? - Yeah.

Well, let's see what he's got to say...

when we got his daughter hanging out the window.

Uncle Buckle-Up's daughter?

Hold it.

That's it. That's the junk.

Yeah, this is, like, a new model. I don't have one of these yet.

Colonel, I think you'd better take a look at this stuff.

Heroin.

I think I'm gonna be sick.

We've got the girl, Nick.

Hi, guys.

I'm sorry, Dad.

Dad?

Give us your guns unless you want the girl hurt.

All right, over there.

After you.

No, not you.

We got a little business.

You keep them here while I dicker with the chipmunk.

Right, Nick.

You were messing around with Uncle Buckle-Up's daughter?

You animal!

All right, let's think about getting out of here.

Now, go through everything until you find something we can use.

From now on, you're gonna play ball in my court.

And the first thing you're gonna do...

is you're gonna cancel that press conference of yours.

- Forget it. - I'm not fooling around with you, Sydney.

I've got your daughter and I've got your friends...

and if you don't play ball with me, I'm gonna feed them to the dogs.

Now, the first think I want you to do is to endorse my dolls from Asia.

What's so funny, Sydney?

You can't hurt me. You can't hurt my people.

Without me, you got nothing.

Don't be stupid, old man.

There's a world full of animals out there.

I'll get myself a rabbit or something.

You ain't indispensable.

You got them locked up?

It's all taken care of, Nick.

Good.

I want this mess cleaned up today.

Then I'm gonna take this chipmunk here down to the studio...

where he's gonna make the most heartwarming endorsement...

the American public has ever heard.

And then I want you to go to the factory and I want you to take care of business.

Consider it done, Nick.

I'll be dropping by with the old man right after he makes the commercial.

Then we'll take care of all of them.

All of them, including...

Chipmunks are a dime a dozen.

We'll get ourselves a new shill after the accident.

Accident?

They're all gonna be at the factory, right?

Yeah.

- We got fire insurance, right? - Right.

Then make me a tragedy.

How does it look, B.A.?

It's solid as a rock.

Colonel?

Look at this.

And this.

Hey, Hannibal, you smell that?

Gasoline.

Stand by, everybody.

Here we go.

Where did they get the dynamite?

- Is that them? - Yeah.

- Then it's over? - Not quite.

And that's why I think these Uncle Buckle-Up dolls...

are the best Uncle Buckle-Up dolls yet.

Hi, slime.

Jorge?

Actually, I kind of wanted to do that to him myself.

I understand that, Colonel...

'cause that's what a Good Manners Mole would have done.

Hannibal, that was wonderful. You, too, Syd.

Gee, thanks, Murdock.

Oh, come on, guys. I'm dancing my heart out, out there.

Hey, give me my bear costume. What are you guys doing here?

Excuse me.

Ruff the Bear doesn't drink.

What are you, nuts? Sydney!

You wanna tell me what's going on?

It's not that I don't appreciate what you've done...

but in this business, it's not courage that counts.

It's nepotism that's important.

Thank you, Sydney. That's right.

If you'll excuse me...

I must rehearse.

Pardon me.

You're going to AA, Jorge.

Not a bad rhyme, huh?

Ten seconds to air.

Listen, so long as you're here...

what do you say to one performance?

Are you kidding?

This is it, guys.

This is like 42nd Street.

I'm going out there like a kid...

and I'm coming back a star!