Original subtitles

We've just run round the inside of the bowl there...

Prunella Gladwell

the nation's most glamourous housewife

has become an inspiration to women across the country

with her no-nonsense approach to cooking.

Lovely. But what I want you to do, Azad

is to start putting two teaspoons, two teaspoons.

Azad gets very nervous sometimes

as do I, in front of all of you.

And that's... that's the way

and we're going to be making some nice cocoa macaroons.

And you give this a very good beating.

You can see why it's called a good beating.

And now, after years of teaching our ladies

how to make the perfect sponge

England's Queen of the Kitchen is touring the country

Judging cookery competitions for the WI

as part of her brand new television programme.

So keep your eyes peeled, ladies

as well as your potatoes

because Prunella could be coming to your town next.

Sorry to interrupt. Would you mind?

Oh.

"To Cynthia."

Of course.

Thank youl!

Now remember...

smiles, grace, decorum...

Ah, thank you for joining us, Sister.

You're a Godsend, quite literally.

Honestly, half these women don't know their créme brulées from their petit fours.

We can hear you.

Happy to lend my culinary skills.

Cooking is just chemistry, after all.

Your attempt at rock cakes was more like geology.

Poor Sister Clement needed a new set of dentures.

Yes, well, on that occasion, I must admit I did indulge in some experimentation.

This time, however, I will be following the recipe to the letter.

Here they come!

No slouching! Big smiles!

We supposed to curtsy as well?

You're ruining the moment.

Our fairest queen

the nation's treasure, and my lady wife...

Prunella Gladwell.

They applaud

Good afternoon, ladies.

I thought she'd be taller.

I'm Hilary. President of the Great Slaughter WI.

Thank you so much for accepting our invitation.

Hilary... Fenshaw?

I wondered if you'd recognise me.

Good Lord...

Hello, James.

Your letter said Hilary Rhodes.

Married name.

Where is the lucky gent?

Yet another business trip.

Perils of being married to a CEO.

Well, you've certainly come a long way.

I've always imagined you married to an accountant in Slough.

I thought we could catch up after the recording.

Take a stroll down memory lane...

Sadly, I'll be shooting off to another engagement

but it's been nice to see you again, Hilary.

No chance of anyone passing off a shop-bought cake as their own

in front of the camera, is there, Gladys?

Oh, here we go.

Now is not the time to bring up

last year's Bakewell tart debacle.

I am a God-fearing woman. I am not a cheater.

Shh, ladies.

Three, two...

Welcome to the beautiful grounds of St Vincent's Convent, Great Slaughter

and the scene of another nail-biting competition.

This week, the ladies have chosen to make one of my devilish desserts

but who will have what it takes

to whip up a concoction to my exacting standards?

Ladies, introduce yourselves.

Hilary Rhodes. Caramelised peaches and cream cake.

Vera Clam. Lemon macaroons.

Gladys Tibbs. Berries galore blackcurrant gateau.

Sister Boniface. Almond and honey sponge.

Cynthia Piper. Chocolate truffle layer cake.

Dorothy Thimble. Um...

Buttercream banana cake!

Cream cheese carrot cake.

As always, there's only 60 minutes on the clock

after all, if you spend all day making a single dessert

when will you find time to clean the house? Or do the laundry?

I always like the house spick and span, and all my shirts starched and ironed.

Luckily we have help, otherwise you'd be stuffed.

At your service, madam.

And for the winner, a cash prize of £50.

Oh!

Azad, start the clock.

These aren't carrots!

I'm making a banana cake.

Oh!

You nervous, dear? Don't worry.

There'll only be about ten million people watching.

You clod, Azad!

Sorry, madam. I didn't see the—-

Honestly, you can't get the help these days.

Beat it like you mean it, Sister.

Gong sounds

She sighs

Was there an earthquake?

I-I get so clumsy when I'm nervous.

The ones I make at home always turn out lovely.

Well, let's just pray that it tastes better than it looks.

I see you've had a little problem with your ganache there.

um... SHE CLICKS FINGERS

Thank you.

Yeah.

She clicks fingers

Think this belongs to you.

Now... what do we have here?

Cut. Problem.

Take 15 minutes, everyone. Leave the tent until we call you back.

Ms Gladwell.

Ruth Penny, Albion Bugle.

I was hoping you could spare a few moments for an interview.

Didn't you get the press release?

I'd like to do something a little more in-depth. A profile piece.

Really explore the issues.

Issues?

You're one of those.

One of what?

A feminist.

What if I am?

Do you really want to go head-to-head with me?

Oh, I'm game if you are.

I'll see if I can fit you into my schedule.

I'd be so grateful.

Obviously, I'll be cutting out your remark about Azad.

What remark?

Demeaning him on national television?

What's gotten into you? I'll decide how I talk to the help.

You said you were going to follow the recipe to the letter.

And so I did.

I was certain I'd struck the right balance

between emulsifiers, globular proteins and leavening agents.

Yeah, you leavened it alright.

It's most befuddling.

Mother Adrian.

I don't understand.

While Sister Boniface has many talents, we both know cooking ain't among ‘em.

We can wave goodbye to that £50 prize money.

Ooh, Sister Boniface will win

a prize more valuable than money.

Humility.

A quality she is sorely lacking.

Go on, Colin.

Gobble it all up.

Oh!

I just came to get my asthma inhaler.

"God-fearing woman"?

Like you don't want to win.

On my own merits. Not by stooping to underhand methods!

What's going on?

She's finishing her cake.

Gladys, get away from your station!

I was just—- - I don't want to hear it.

If you two continue with this childish feud

I'll have you both suspended from the WI.

Oh!

We're back. Reset.

Now what have we here?

So much for regal grandeur.

Cat got your tongue, dear?

Well, let's see if it passes the taste test...

What's happening to your face?

I beg your pardon?

What's wrong with my face?

SHE GASPS You're a demon! A devil!

She chokes

Oh, Lord. Are you alright?

She splutters

Crowd gasps

We better lift her up before she chokes.

Um... Yes.

She's dead. - THEY GASP

What a way to go. Face first, you said?

With an audible splat.

Heart attack?

That wouldn't explain the hallucination.

She saw Prunella turning into a demon.

To be fair, the woman can be a bit of a dragon.

I don't think she meant it as a metaphor

and while I can't completely rule out demonic possession

it would be unscientific not to explore

medical and pharmacological explanations first.

Poison? — Oh, that's a distinct possibility.

How long is this going to take? I mean, I don't want to be insensitive

but we're on a tight schedule.

Pleasure to meet you, Mrs Gladwell. My grandmother is a huge fan.

That's delightful. As I was saying...

Yeah, could be days, I'm afraid.

You, uh, think it was foul play?

Did anyone see Mrs Tibbs eat anything before she died?

We'll need to see the footage from today's filming.

If we can't finish it today, we won't have enough time to edit it

for broadcast on Saturday.

Telephone Jerry. Tell him one of the contestants has popped their clogs

and we're just going to have to remount it live.

Come on.

Heaven forbid anyone should accuse her of being insensitive.

She's our national treasure, you know?

Beloved by millions.

Your country never fails to puzzle me.

So, who might want to kill poor Gladys?

Was there any animosity between her and the other contestants?

Ah.

And as for you

I make sure to give you the best cuts of meat and this is how I'm repaid.

I knew it!

You'll be eating nothing but tripe for the next six months

that's assuming I don't evict you both by the end of the day.

What? - You can't do that.

The tenancy agreement clearly states you must give us

at least one month's notice before you can--

No one is getting evicted.

Look, Mrs C, your... altercation

with Gladys was reported and we are duty bound to follow it up.

Look, obviously the notion that an upstanding church—-going woman

such as yourself is responsible is... It's unthinkable.

We're merely trying to establish the timeline for the hours before her death.

Can you tell us what your argument was about?

Ghastly woman.

A brazen liar and a shameless jezebel!

Don't write that down.

I caught her cheating.

She re-entered the tent to finish her cake

and afterwards, to add insult to injury

she had the unmitigated cheek to accuse me of sabotage!

Sabotage?

It was just before we started filming again.

What have you done to my gateau?

I beg your pardon?

The crown!

And you've added extra blackcurrants!

Nonsense. I haven't touched it.

Oh! Quiet, please.

The woman was quite deluded.

I mean, why on Earth would I put extra blackcurrants onto her cake?

Sister Boniface, will you be gracing us with your presence at...

SHE CRIES OUT - Oh, no.

Colin!

I'm so sorry, Reverend Mother Adrian. I found him floating dead in the pond.

And decide to dissect him? To desecrate his body?

Well, I needed to find out whether he—- — You've gone too far this time.

Your devotion to scientific enquiry has blinded you to the sacred.

I insist you hand over that fish this minute.

With respect, Reverend Mother, I'm not blind to the sanctity of Colin's life.

I'm trying to find out who ended it.

"Who"? - Well, it's just a hypothesis

but I believe that whoever killed Gladys also killed Colin.

And it's only through scientific enquiry that I can help bring the killer to justice.

And afterwards perhaps...

well, I've always fancied trying my hand at a spot of taxidermy, so...

Don't push your luck, Sister.

What... is...

Belladonna. I found identical berries in what was left of Gladys's cake.

I believe the killer contaminated it

a few of the berries somehow finding their way into the pond.

Poor Colin never had a chance.

Evil laughter

Evil laughter continues

Laughter becomes warped

Colin?

Oh, yes. Revered Mother's favourite carp.

Right, well, I'll be sure to add Colin's untimely death to the charges.

Mrs Clam told us the cake had been tampered with after the break in filming.

But whoever did it didn't know that Gladys was going to eat it.

Which leads us to a new hypothesis.

Prunella Gladwell was the intended victim.

But as the tide's turning on women's rights

aren't you afraid that your brand of social conservatism

will turn you into a bit of a...

well, forgive me for saying, but a relic?

I'm sorry, dear. I could barely hear you above your agenda.

And quite frankly, if traditional values are to become a relic

this country is doomed.

But when those values subjugate an entire section—-

Do I look subjugated to you?

Found the culprit, Inspector?

Can I talk to you in private, please?

Culprit? Peggy told me the cause of yesterday's death

hadn't yet been determined.

I'll be releasing an official statement later today.

You know I'm not interested in "official".

So you know each other?

Your intrepid reporter was just telling me

that she believes in strong women asserting their dominance over men.

That's not at all what I-- —- And yet, here you are

practically throwing yourself at one of them for a story.

I'm not throwing myself at—- — Our relationship is strictly professional.

That was easy.

Murder in the WI? I have to say I'm not surprised.

It's a hotbed of intrigue.

Meaning?

In private, please.

Can you think of anyone who might want to harm you?

Mrs Gladwell?

What's going on?

Someone's trying to kill me.

What?

Who?

Did you argue with anyone yesterday?

I didn't ruffle any more feathers than usual.

Prunella doesn't suffer fools.

Felix clears his throat

Ah, one moment.

The production assistant saw three other people entering the tent

in addition to Mrs Clam, Hilary Rhodes, and the victim.

One contestant, Cynthia Piper

Prunella's assistant, Azad Verma

and her husband.

Good work.

Something else, the cameraman saw Prunella and Azad arguing during the break.

Huh. She didn't mention that.

Let's go and see what Azad has to say.

You don't even know if belladonna grows on the convent.

I mean, the killer could've brought it in from outside.

Well, belladonna is a herbaceous perennial.

Quite common, I'd be surprised if it didn't turn up somewhere.

Oval leaves!

Bingo.

And look, here's where the killer picked them.

Oi, oi, what's this?

A clue? I feel quite like Sherlock Holmes.

Bravo, Sisters.

Your assistance has been invaluable

but since this is now a crime scene, if you wouldn't mind just, um...

Charming.

According to our witness, Mrs Gladwell called you a "disgusting deviant".

Strong words.

Your witness must have misheard.

He seemed very certain.

She was asking me for icing sugar.

A "dusting ingredient", she said.

Why did she call you a deviant, Azad?

Was it to do with your personal life?

Look, I'm only interested in catching a murderer.

I'm not here to pass judgment.

He sighs

She caught me...

with one of the crew members.

But all of the crew members are male.

She terminated my contract.

I have until the end of the show.

And then you went into the marquee?

I needed to be alone.

Was there anyone else in there with you?

No.

Azad...

I didn't do anything.

It looks like writing, but water and mud have made the ink run.

It'll take me a while to dry it out before I can take a look under UV light.

However, far more pertinent is this...

Angora.

The only person that I recall wearing it yesterday was Cynthia.

Motive? - Prunella hated her cake.

Seriously? - Wow.

Her criticism was particularly brutal.

But over a cake?

So she picks up these berries in a flight of rage?

An impulse crime?

Over a cake?

If you'd seen the way Prunella devastated her...

Yeah, I'd like to see that footage.

How we getting on with that? — I'll chase it up.

Admittedly, Cynthia didn't seem in a murderous rage.

Well, I'll bring her in. See if I can... whisk her into a frenzy.

Whip her into a rage. SHE CHUCKLES

Stir her into a confession. — Oh!

Very good.

It's just an act for the cameras, isn't it?

I heard she was brutal. You must have been angry.

I was a bit upset.

Just "a bit upset"? I'd have been fuming.

Well, I can't be angry at Prunella. I'm her biggest fan.

She chuckles nervously

We found this in your rubbish bin.

I was just letting off some steam.

You had every right to be angry, Miss Piper.

The way she humiliated you? I would've wanted to scratch her eyes out too.

She's a horrid woman.

Selfish. Cruel...

I'm sorry she treated you that way.

What were you doing out in the garden during the break in filming?

Oh... I went there to have a little cry.

Did you notice the belladonna berries growing on the bushes?

Belladonna? I...

You think I...

I didn't know they were there.

I saw Hilary and Prunella coming and took off back to the marquee to get my make-up.

Hilary and Prunella?

They were... arguing.

About what?

I don't know.

"A Hotbed of Intrigue"?

And what's that? Your new favourite night spot?

The WI?

I knew you'd take the bait.

What have you got? - What have you got?

Off the record?

Alright, for now.

We think that Prunella Gladwell was the intended victim.

Well, that's bigger than I thought.

And you think it was somebody at the WI?

What do you know about Hilary Rhodes?

I've heard rumours.

We had some words, yes.

About?

I caught her having a go at James.

Belittling him.

What do you care about how she treats her husband?

James and I were courting

when I was in culinary school.

That's how he met Prunella.

She stole him from you?

I let him go.

He was never really interested in me.

And yet you saw fit to jump to his defence.

It wasn't just about James. She treats everyone as though they're her subjects.

HE SIGHS I've noticed.

It must have grated you when she came into town

flaunting her success...

especially with your own troubles.

Troubles?

Your husband.

Multiple investigations from the Inland Revenue.

Warrant out for his arrest. Whereabouts unknown—-

Pleased with yourself, are you?

Digging through my life like a rat?

I was just trying to understand, that's all.

Your husband abandons you, leaving you with nothing but seized assets.

And shortly after, you invite your old rival to town.

Orders from head office.

Every branch had to put out a personal invitation.

It was the last thing I wanted to do.

So no resentment? No jealousy?

Jealousy? I don't want her life! It's a sham.

A sham?

I have my troubles

but at least I'm living in the real world.

Something's been cut.

About two seconds.

Two seconds of incriminating footage?

Of what?

Show me again.

There.

What do you see?

Who delivered the fim?

Major Gladwell dropped it off at the station this afternoon.

Probably a camera glitch.

It wasn't a camera glitch. You cut the footage.

Excuse me?

My guess is it was something between you and Azad.

I don't know what you're getting at, but—- — Hilary Rhodes.

Your ex-girlfriend.

She told me your marriage was a sham. Why would she say that?

Probably still pining after me, poor woman.

Look, I don't care about your personal life.

Oh, this is nonsense.

I'd rather do this here, but if I have to take you down the station, I will.

Azad as well.

He told me that Prunella fired him because she caught him with a crew member

but I don't think that's true.

Major?

Look, I'm not going to expose you.

She found out.

What's gotten into you?

I'll decide how I talk to the help.

He is more than just "the help". —- You're right, he's a hindrance

I think we should get rid of him. - No.

Why do you care so much?

Oh, my God.

I don't give a damn about your trips to London for a cheap fling

but this is on our doorstep, in our home

on national television!

This threatens everything!

It isn't a cheap fling. - What?

You're in love with him?

I don't know what it is.

I'll tell you what it is.

It's over!

That's not up to you!

Break it off or I will make sure the whole world knows

that behind that uniform

is nothing but a mincing sissy!

Why did you go in the marquee?

To comfort Azad after she'd fired him.

And the footage?

I could see how hurt he was by what Prunella had said.

As he went past me, I...

squeezed his hand.

It was stupid, an impulse, but I couldn't help myself.

So now you know.

I'm not the only queen of the kitchen.

Why didn't you tell me that you fired Azad?

And risk exposing my husband?

And your argument with Hilary?

What argument?

She had the gall to tell me how to talk to you.

I hardly think that she would try to kill me over that.

That is not your decision to make.

I can't protect you if you keep hiding things.

Exactly. Your life's in danger.

What else haven't you told me?

Nothing.

"Cinnamon... flour... cream."

You're needed for your close-up, Sister. They're about to start.

Oh.

She exhales

Gong sounds

The consistency brings to mind the texture of wet cement.

Why is there a carrot in this banana cake?

It's not... a major disaster...

more...

a minor catastrophe.

So, Sister, you'll have to remind me what this is

as it bears no resemblance to any of my recipes.

Yes. Right, well, erm, it started life as an almond and honey sponge

which then evolved into a souffle

and now appears to have sunk into an almond and honey bake.

Maybe try to think of it more as a chewy biscuit.

It will certainly stick indelibly in my memory...

as well as in my teeth.

Too much cinnamon. It's one teaspoon, not two.

I suggest you read my books more carefully.

Well, we will be back after this commercial break

when I will be announcing the winner.

We're off. Five minutes.

Um, you may want to have a word with Hilary.

Sir... I just got off the phone with the WI

there was no order made to invite Prunella.

I think you're right.

It's two teaspoons of cinnamon.

It always has been.

I think I know my recipe better than you, Hilary.

It's not yours.

You can't change one tiny thing and call it yours.

I'm not listening to this again.

But the recipe on the paper says two teaspoons, not one

and you know what that means?

Plain as a pikestaff.

Hilary came up with the recipe first?

Correct, Peggy. Years ago.

The paper's imprinted with a crest, a wooden spoon and griddle

my guess, from the culinary school they both went to.

So all this... over a cake?

We'll check the grounds.

It's ten seconds!

Where is Prunella?

I can't do this on my own. Please.

Take in five, four, three...

Welcome back.

As you can see, Prunella is, um...

well, she's indisposed at the moment.

She has a very bad tummy.

Let's hope it wasn't something she ate.

Crew members laugh

So...

Admit it!

Admit what? That you've gone stark stirring mad?

She yells

Hilary.

Take another step and she's gone!

OK. Tell us what you want.

We know she stole your recipe.

SHE LAUGHS It wasn't just one recipe.

Was it?

Break it off or I will make sure the whole world knows

that behind that uniform is nothing but a mincing sissy.

You have no right to talk to him that way.

How dare you tell me how to talk to my husband.

Why did you invite me here?

I just wanted what she owed me.

But she wouldn't listen.

I'd hoped to do this over dinner

but seeing as you'll be rushing off...

What's that?

Exactly what it looks like.

Caramelised peaches and cream cake.

My recipe.

You're delusional.

I don't know what she's talking about.

This is your last chance!

Hilary, put down the knife and then tell me all about it.

I want to hear your side of the story.

If I put down the knife, this conversation's over.

OK, well, tell us here. What happened?

Don't you walk away from me.

I have no interest in discussing your fantasies.

I have a whole loose-leaf binder full of recipes just like this one.

All of them in your first cook book, the one that made you famous.

And you've waited all these years to confront me about it?

My circumstances have changed.

What happened to Mr CEO?

Do I detect desertion?

Abandonment?

You always did have ideas above your station. What was it we used to call you?

"The Scholarship Girl"?

You were the only one that called me that.

And look at you now, begging for charity again. It's pathetic.

I got where I am today because of who I am

not because of a few recipes.

This is worthless.

SHE GASPS No!

Much like yourself.

Bird cries

I don't want to hear it.

If you two continue this feud, I'll have you both suspended from the WI.

And you threw the rest into the pond?

After poor Gladys died.

I had to get rid of the evidence. So you see...

I have nothing left to lose.

Admit it!

That's all you have to do

and I'll let you live!

I strongly advise you to do as she says.

Just say the words.

She yelps

No!

Admit it! Please!

It's the same old story.

The Scholarship Girl on her knees... - HILARY WAILS

...begging for validation.

HILARY SOBS - Wretched creature.

She wails

It's been an honour for Azad and I

to taste your delightful desserts, ladies

but there can only be one winner.

And this week's Queen of the Kitchen is...

Cynthia Piper!

They applaud

My goodness. My goodness!

Oh, I can't believe it!

Well done. Well done.

Well done, well done. It was a wonderful cake!

Thank youl! — Here you are.

And that's all we have time for

but on behalf of myself, Azad, and Prunella...

Wherever she's got to.

They chuckle

Goodbye. - Goodbye.

And wrap!

Well done again. — Oh, thank you so much!

It was beautiful.

She exhales deeply

What happened?

Clear up, and then you can collect your final pay.

Wait.

I can't do this anymore, Prunella.

Do what?

The theatrics. The play-acting.

Hilary was right, it's a sham.

Hilary has just tried to kill me.

What? - You think you can walk away from all this?

You love the theatrics as much as I do.

I'm getting too old for it. So are you.

And if this is my last chance for love...

Leave us alone.

No.

Goodbye, Prunella.

Yes, goodbye.

I'll ruin youl!

Trouble in paradise?

He's not the story.

She is.

I'll tell you in the pub later.

I heard you caught the killer.

Yes.

Oh, um...

I thought Colin deserved a stately casket.

She sighs

Did Prunella pass judgment on your dessert?

It wasn't to her taste.

A lesson learned?

Undoubtedly.

Next time, I'll lend my culinary skills to someone more appreciative of my talents.

Don't be late for vespers.

Prunella Gladwell

former national treasure

now disgraced Queen of the Kitchen.

The scandal of divorce

followed by revelations in the Albion Bugle

that she stole the recipes that made her famous

have turned this once-beloved figure

into a social pariah.

So... - What?

A little bit of butter first.

Of course, yes!

But every cloud has a silver lining

and this one's in the shape of the nation's new favourite duo.

Right, now to add your sugar here.

Oh, tell you what we do need. We need the flour.

The flour. — The flour, yes.

In "Two Men and a Stove"

Major James and Azad Verma teach the nation's men

how to cook dishes from around the world

whether it's to woo their sweethearts

or to impress their wives.

...making the perfect romantic gift...

...for that special someone in your life.