Original subtitles

Sister Simone, you must locate the Holy Grail.

I don't want to talk to It.

'Cause It killed your dad?

Yeah, 'cause It killed my dad.

Your mother is such a genius.

If I could just have a peek inside her workshop.

What's your name?

- Lizzie. What's yours? - Wiley.

I've always wanted to meet a real cowboy.

- Damn it, Lizzie! - Hey! My name is Simone now.

What did you say when I proposed to you?

I said yes, Jesus.

The Algorithm distracts Its users,

sends them on little quests for fucking Wings.

You use It long enough, It gives you Wings, right?

Wrong.

It uses you long enough, It gives you strings.

After you find It, I will end my life.

Do you know where the Holy Grail is?

This is the last person known to be

in possession of the Grail.

Her name is Clara.

It did give me a clue... A phone number.

Hi, this is Clara.

My god, Clara.

I'm looking for the Grail. Where are you?

Oh, we got a hit!

Number's in London.

Then I guess we're going to London.

You cannot win.

You're beaten.

Just let go.

Never!

Why are you doing this, laddie?

Why?

Funeral or festive?

Oh, uh, really?

I already feel kind of like I can't breathe.

The tie is the uniform of the enemy.

And if you don't wear it,

they'll sense you're not one of them.

Think it'll just be way less satisfying

when you blow their fucking minds.

All right, all right. Let's go with festive.

Okay.

Tonight, at the Truckee Park Arena...

Do you know how to do this?

I don't know how to tie a tie.

Okay.

Who will be unlucky 13?

Jezebull, Jezebull, Jezebull!

Officially designated a weapon of mass destruction!

Tonight, at the Truckee Park Arena,

behold the unbridled fury of Jezebull!

What kind of idiot would actually get on that thing?

Well, bulls aren't actually that bad.

In fact, some of them are kind of sweet.

Respect to your bona fides, pardner,

but you haven't been in a rodeo since you were 11.

Oh, well, I'll have you know, darling,

I conquered many a steer back when I was a young'un.

Oh, great.

Then you shouldn't be scared of a bunch of lawyers.

Okay, let's go through it one more time.

Ready? Good. Okay.

I got this. Ow.

They'll go through their song and dance.

Then you take out the envelope, melt their faces off.

And then they will say...

"Young man, you can't be serious."

I'm serious. I'm serious.

I've thought about this a lot, seriously.

Uh, this decision...

You don't need to overexplain.

Right, right, right. Okay.

Okay.

I am serious.

In fact, I'm only gonna take enough

to get me and the woman I love started in Alaska.

And that's it.

Mr. Wiley, as we are

heartless attorneys unswayed

by absurd romantic notions,

are you absolutely sure...

That this is what you want to do?

I have never been more sure of anything in my entire life.

For courage?

Oh, whoo!

We're going to Alaska.

For courage.

Mr. Wiley.

Your mother and father... They were wonderful people.

We were so sorry to learn of their tragic death.

Also, happy birthday, by the way.

Oh. Yes.

Thank you.

I have here a copy

of your grandfather's last will and testament,

which states that you, Preston John Wiley III,

on the occasion of turning 25 years of age,

will inherit the entirety of the estate,

the value of which, as of today, is $712 million.

I'm giving it all away.

Are you gonna ask if I'm serious?

Aren't you serious?

Oh, people!

I don't need to overexplain.

Morally, I cannot accept this grotesque wealth,

and so I have signed it all away to charity.

Everything except $85,000

for a cabin in Alaska

for me and the woman I love.

We're driving there today.

And there is nothing you can do to stop us.

There ain't...

No...

Stopping...

Us...

Now.

I have never been more sure

of anything in my entire life.

Great.

Whatever you want, son.

If you'll just hand over that relinquishment

of the inheritance, we'll do whatever you ask.

Bo?

You know this man?

Gentlemen, pardon the intrusion,

but I have business with Preston Wiley here.

Son, there's a secret that's been kept from you

your whole life,

and before you take all this money,

you got a right to know who you are.

Now, some fellas, they don't want to know the real truth.

But if you do,

and any real cowboy would...

just say, "Tell it to me straight, Bo."

And I will.

Tell it... To me straight, Bo.

About 20 years ago, your grandfather knew

his foot was rearing back to kick the bucket,

so he decreed that his inheritance

would skip a generation,

bequeathing the whole damn piñata to you,

his beloved grandchild.

All you had to do

was live to the ripe old age of 25.

But son, you were born busted.

Your liver.

And don't ask me what it was. I ain't no doctor.

But it was fucked up.

It weren't fucked up enough.

Now, your mama and daddy,

they couldn't get you on the transplant list

because the danger weren't imminent.

But if your liver quit on you,

you kicked it before you were 25,

your granddaddy's money would stay locked up forever.

So they hired me.

I trained you for the junior rodeo circuit,

not because you had a talent for riding steer...

You didn't...

But for another reason entirely:

to get you on the damn liver list.

I reckon you recall the All Hallows' Eve

Junior Rodeo Extravaganza, but what you don't recall is

how doped up that animal you were sitting on was,

nor me reaching down and grabbing that bull's nut sack.

Now, I could barely get his balls in my hands,

but I knew I had to get both of them.

And I did, son.

And I squeezed that bull's gem sack

one second before the two of you shot out of that chute.

You were in the hospital waiting for a liver transplant

within the hour...

An adult liver you share

with that little girlfriend of yours.

Would you have made it to 25

if your family hadn't found a way to cut the line?

No way to say.

But before you take all your granddaddy's money...

I want you to know the game was rigged.

All them ribbons and medals you won,

they weren't earned.

And I've borne this truth all these years,

the one that you told me to tell it to you straight.

So straight's how I'm gonna tell it, Preston John Wiley.

Ain't nothing worse than a cowboy

who ain't worthy of his boots.

Thank you for that, sir.

But Mr. Wiley was just telling us

he was giving the entire fortune away.

Really?

Well, my bad.

Happy birthday, son.

- Medic! - Stop!

You better not put weight on that.

- Oh, God! - We got a bleeder!

Medic! Medic!

You on the roster?

Yeah.

Should be right there on top.

So it is.

You're next up.

Pin this on tight.

Help us keep track of you, in case he eats your face.

What?

Yee-haw!

Wiley!

Excuse me.

Lizzie. Hey, hey.

Uh, hey?

You leave me some weird message about manhood

and tell me not to worry,

but there's something you need to do?

Yeah.

Uh, wait.

Babe, please tell me this is not

what you think you need to do.

Lizzie, I'm next.

Up next for what?

Jesus, Wi... Wiley! What are you doing?

You haven't done this since you were a kid.

No, no, no. Sweetheart. Sweetheart, listen to me.

I have never done this, okay? It was all fake.

Well, I have no idea what you're talking about,

but either way, it sounds like we're dealing

with real experience deficit.

I know. I have to ride that bull.

Well, then why... Why did you even call me

if you don't want me to stop you?

Because I didn't want to be alone.

Okay?

Preston Wiley, come on down.

For courage.

This is not fucking courage.

See you in a couple minutes.

Wiley!

Five, four,

three, two, one!

Stop staring at him.

I'm not staring at him.

I'm surveilling him.

I don't know why I'm surveilling him.

All he does is read.

We're surveilling him

'cause he's going to lead us straight to Clara,

who was last in possession of the Holy Grail.

And that's the only thing we know?

We know that she has flaming red hair.

She what?

You told me the Algorithm only gave you

a phone number and a name.

Right.

The Algorithm also told me that she has flaming red hair.

Are you lying to me, Lizzie?

Simone. And no.

Because lying seems like it'd break the rules.

It's not a good look with your little outfit.

It's not a little outfit. It's a habit.

I need to take this.

I have to pray.

Hey. Tell me you figured out

where the Apron Man is headed.

You know I did.

Scone, Scotland.

This off-the-grid, end-of-the-line spot

no one would give a right fart about

if it weren't for...

Excalibattle!

Excali... battle?

Thousands of years ago,

this giant sword appeared sticking out of the ground.

No one knows how or why.

It's like Stonehenge.

Except stupider.

Oh, yeah. Way stupider.

Four times a century, they have this festival, right?

They dress up like King Arthur cosplay.

Anyway, that's where your Apron Man is headed.

Because it's Holy Grail shit.

Because it's Holy Grail shit, that's right.

Goddamn Algorithm, man. So predictable.

Cliché all day, man. Cliché all day.

Yo, what's all that noise?

I can barely hear you over there.

Oh, that? Dude! It's training day, son!

Yeah!

Guy just did a flip.

Oi!

Are you briefing him or trying to fuck him, mate?

Give me that.

Hello.

How goes the quest, cowboy?

Fantastic.

Giddy up.

What about the nun?

She have any idea you ran the fake German gambit?

No, she does not.

Well, keep her close.

And remember what I told you.

Eyes on the prize.

And what's the prize?

Freedom.

Say it like fucking Braveheart!

I... I...

Freedom!

You're goddamn fucking right!

Freedom!

Yeah!

Hello, Simone!

Mrs. Davis, I presume?

Actually, here in the UK, I'm referred to as Mum.

Oh.

I'm not calling you Mum.

- Come on in. - So!

How's your top-secret mission to find the Holy Grail going?

The phone number you gave us led us to the man

in the next, uh, carriage.

It's not really top secret

if we keep chatting about it, though.

Tally-ho. Right you are, Simone.

Well, I just wanted to give you this gift,

and I'll be on my way.

This is for your traveling companion, Mr. Wiley.

Okay.

It's wonderful that you've reconnected

with a former lover to help you with your quest.

God, don't call him that.

You were in love, and you no longer are.

I'm sorry. Do I have that wrong?

No, you have it exactly right.

Wonderful.

Well, enjoy the gift.

If I'd known Celeste was traveling with you,

I would have gotten her one, as well.

So...

Sorry, did you just say my mother is on this train?

1042.

Redirect.

What?

Sandy Springs?

Redirect.

What's happening?

Deep in my heart, I am warrior.

Sorry, wha...

1042.

What?

Celeste.

She's in the dining car at this very moment.

Were you not aware?

I was not.

Hey.

My fucking mother is on this train.

Whoa, you curse? So what are the rules?

Did you say your mom?

Father.

Sister.

Mother.

Hello, Elizabeth.

Oh, shit.

I see you're still running around with rodeo clowns.

Yeah, hi.

It's awesome to see you, too, Celeste.

What are you doing here?

Following you, of course.

Why... why are you following me?

Why did you decide, after nearly a decade

of unremarkable convent life, to suddenly pack your bags

and travel to the United Kingdom?

The question, Mother...

He's trying to get by

or something. Why don't we just sit down?

Sit down, sit down.

Excuse me, excuse me.

The question is, Mother, how you even knew I was here.

I run the most successful security firm

in the Western United States.

Of course I'm going to keep tabs

on my daughter's whereabouts, especially when she's booking

international travel to a hot zone.

Yeah. So you're still doing this.

What is a hot zone?

Hot zones are areas where my quarry

is most likely to hide.

For the millionth time, he is dead, Mother.

- Dead and gone. - No.

He is not dead.

Your father is very much alive.

He is alive, and laughing at everyone he duped.

But he did not dupe me.

And to pull off what he did,

to maintain a lifestyle in exile,

he would require an accomplice of extraordinary skill,

and someone above reproach.

Like a nun.

You think I became a nun

so I could help Dad fake his death?

Why else would you become a nun?

For what it's worth, I don't blame you

for however he convinced you to help him hide.

You always saw the best in people,

even when they gave you every reason

to see how unworthy of that trust they were.

It became somewhat of a pattern.

I am not hiding him.

Everyone's hiding something, Elizabeth.

Like a loaded crossbow in a secret workshop?

I warned you not to go in there.

And I'm warning you to stay away from us.

Dad's gone.

He died right in front of me.

It was horrible.

Do what I did, Mother. Move on.

As you wish.

Wishes are for little girls.

Don't.

Now arriving at Courrour Station.

Now that you know that I am here,

there is no way that you are leading me to him,

so I'll be going.

But you should know I don't move on, Elizabeth.

I move towards.

You want to talk about it?

Yeah.

Just not with you.

No, take your time.

We still have, like, three hours before we get to...

Well, we're here.

Meat pies! Meat pies!

Nappies! Nappies! Get your nappies here!

No toilet breaks!

Extra-absorbent nappies for big boys!

Is that man selling diapers?

Pure, concentrated coffee balls.

Don't fall asleep, get them here cheap.

All right, whatever.

Coffee balls.

All would-be kings,

the contest shall commence in two minutes!

What the fuck?

Contest?

That's him.

That's Apron Man. And that must be Clara.

See the red hair?

Oh, shit.

Do we just go up to her, or...

At the sound of the ram's horn,

any contender without a helmet

will be eliminated.

What's up? What are you doing?

I'm gonna get a helmet, or I'll get eliminated.

- Eliminated from what? - Whatever he's doing.

Look, the Apron Man is joining the contest.

So I'm gonna join the contest,

find out what he knows.

We needed him to lead us to Clara.

- That's Clara. - Yes, exactly.

You follow Clara, I follow him.

All right? I got this.

You got what?

Wiley!

Hey. Wiley. Good to meet you.

Okay.

Get ready, gents.

Five, four,

three, two...

Does somebody know what the fuck we're doing?

What the... what the fuck are we doing, though?

Are we doing... are we... where... Are we being chased?

What the fuck?

Behold, Excalibur!

Those not connected to the sacred blade

are hereby eliminated.

Leave the field of battle now!

Unworthy!

Unworthy!

Unworthy!

Friends.

Roughly four times a century,

the Sun, Moon, and Venus

align in a celestial syzygy.

One such syzygy occurred the very day

a young man named Arthur

pulled the sword of destiny from a stone,

proving himself the one true king.

For any man who has failed, fallen short,

or disappointed, now is your chance

for glorious redemption.

Here, in this sacred place,

you can at last learn the truth.

Are you worthy?

For the one amongst you strong enough,

brave enough, worthy enough

to hold your hand upon the blade

longer than the rest,

oh, the glory and honor you will carry

for the rest of your days!

A handsome cash prize, not to mention...

Free neeps and tatties for life

at McNaughton's Savoury Restaurants.

The rules are simple.

Keep one hand upon the blade at all times.

If you let go, you are unworthy.

But should you be the last one

with your hand upon that sacred steel,

there can be no doubt that you are the...

One true king!

One true king!

The contest has begun!

The crier will now make the official count.

Well.

Just go...

Crier, do we have the count?

How many souls on the sword?

We have 47 souls, sir!

46 souls, sir.

Two hours on the sword, and still 46 brave souls left.

Call for you, sir.

From the lady on the perimeter.

The nun, sir.

Wiley? Test, test.

Oh my God. I can't believe this works.

Any progress with Apron Man?

Uh...

negative.

I am playing it cool.

What about Red?

Found the hotel where she's staying in.

So she checked in under the name Celeste.

Weird. That's your mom's name.

I mean, Mathilde. Mathilde.

She checked in under the name Mathilde.

I followed her... that was not a Freudian slip, by the way.

I'm not even thinking about my mom.

Obviously.

I followed Mathilde, which is an alias,

because she's clearly Clara, to a bank.

And it looks like she's a banker,

which is, like, the opposite of my mother.

Do you wanna talk about your mom?

No, and why are you not talking to Apron Guy?

Because I'm biding my time.

You know, it's starting to feel like

you don't care about him at all

and you're just here for the dumb sword game.

All right. You want me to talk to him?

Fine.

Hey!

Oh, excuse me.

Hey, my man. In the apron.

Sorry. Excuse me.

I'm gonna squeeze by. Don't mind me.

I'm just going to... sorry, man.

I'm talking to my friend here.

What's up?

Saw you talking to a redhead earlier, you dog.

Is that your wife?

Fuck off!

Sorry.

If you're looking to get him to talk,

half a day on the sword,

and any man will be singing like a songbird.

Trust me. You'll see.

♪ Ally bally, ally bally bee ♪

♪ Sitting on your mammy's knee ♪

♪ Greeting for another bawbee ♪

♪ To buy mair Coulter's candy ♪

♪ Greeting for another bawbee, to buy mair Coulter's candy ♪

- ♪ Ally bally, ally bally be ♪ - [screams]

♪ When you grow up, you'll go off to sea ♪

♪ Mammy hand me my thrifty doon ♪

♪ Here's old Coulter coming roon ♪

♪ With a basket on his croon ♪

♪ Selling Coulter's candy ♪

Oh, will you stop that piping?

Oh, crap.

You, out!

♪ Greeting for a wee bawbee ♪

♪ When you grow up, you'll go to sea ♪

I need you to try again with Apron Man.

I was searching Mathilde's room...

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

You broke into her room?

I mean, I picked the lock.

I pick locks.

Yeah, that doesn't seem very nun-like.

Dummy, focus.

I was going through Clara's...

Mathilde's suitcase, and I saw she packed a wetsuit

and like, those water socks with the individual toes.

Anyway, I need you to get whatever intel you can

from Apron Man,

because I think Mathilde is planning

on bringing the Grail to a body of water,

which isn't exactly specific considering, you know,

we are surrounded by ocean and lakes.

Lochs. They're called lochs.

But not the kind you pick.

- You okay?

- Yeah. - You sound goofy.

I'm not goofy.

Just... yeah, it's my legs.

My feet. It's just, they're killing me.

Hang on. I'm sending you something.

Careful.

From the lady.

Where do you get these?

Uh, Mrs. Davis gave them to me.

She said they were for my former...

My... my traveling companion.

Ew! Fuck that. I don't want these.

Can... can you talk to Apron Man about water?

I need to know where Clara's headed.

Don't worry, okay? I got this.

Did you see that?

No, what?

18 hours on the sword!

19 hours on the sword!

21 hours on the sword!

Are you worthy?

22 hours on the sword!

23 hours on the sword!

19 souls left.

I can't feel my legs!

Oh, God! I can't feel my legs!

Screw it.

And that's 24 hours on the sword.

No!

Call for you, sir.

Talk to me.

Hello, my son.

I was just wondering if you could tell me...

where did you get those incredible shoes?

From your mom!

From your mom, Father.

Do you know what it's like

to love a woman so deeply...

and yet remain completely invisible to her?

I do know what that's like.

I've been put out to pasture,

removed from my position.

But if I can just keep my hand

on this bloody blade long enough,

she'll see what a mistake she's made

and take me back.

And she,

this woman who sacked you,

she's out at the lake right now?

- The loch. - Right.

And what loch is it, again?

Even though I already know.

It's the Loch Drumellie, of course.

It's the one with big trees that do this.

Oh, bother.

Loch of Drumellie.

There's been a lot of activity around the bank in town.

These women in pantsuits, coming and going.

I think they're preparing for some kind of transfer,

since tonight is the syzygy.

Mm. Transfer. I get it.

Because they're bankers.

What? No.

A transfer of the Grail,

which is happening at the Loch of Drumellie.

So come on, let's go. I got us bikes.

I'm staying.

What?

I can win this thing.

I knew it.

This... this was never about you helping me with Apron Man.

He's out, and you're still here.

For what? For what? Free neeps and tatties?

No, I'm still here, Lizzie, because I am the one true king,

and that horned fuck over there

is the only thing standing between me and my destiny.

You know what? You do your destiny, pal.

I am going after the Grail.

Holy shit.

I didn't think you'd be stupid enough to show up.

In this ridiculous costume, no less.

Okay, it's not a costume. It's, um...

My Frilly told me you called.

You better not be making trouble, Clara.

Okay, whoa. We are...

We are really in the weeds here.

Okay, let's just start with...

Oh, shit.

Oh, thank God.

Oi, Mathilde!

- Mathilde? - Come on ahead.

You cannot win.

You're beaten.

Just let go.

Never!

Why are you doing this?

There is a storm on the horizon.

Take cover.

Rain's a-coming. Get your umbrellas.

Wiley! Hey, I need a can.

I wouldn't distract the contestants, milady.

- Not with only two left. - Who's left?

The one they call Horns, and your man with the Wings.

My man with the what?

Wings, milady.

Wings.

Oh, he is a man of great honor.

This is why I chose him as my liege.

And also why I gave you all those free calls.

Motherfucker.

Milady!

Attention, spectator!

You are not authorized to enter the contest area!

Hey!

Lizzie, I don't think you can come up here.

Lizzie, I don't think...

You have Wings?

- Whoa, whoa, whoa! - Why?

- Wait! - Why?

Will you just take it easy?

Why do you have Wings?

It's complicated.

- Are you working for Her? - Oh, God.

Lizzie, please.

You said you hated Her, but you have Wings!

I do hate Her!

You liar.

You do whatever She tells you to do!

That... that's the only way to get them!

That's not the only way.

What is that?

It's an expiration date.

When you get one, She...

The Algorithm, It gives you automatic Wings.

It's a shortcut. No quests.

All you have to do is turn yourself in

when your time comes.

Turn yourself in when your time's up?

What, you... do you mean die?

Wiley, why would you do something like that?

Because...

I wanted people to look at me and see that I mattered.

That I was worthy of my boots.

That's why you won't let go.

Get fucked!

What the fuck are you even doing here, man?

You horny fuck!

Good luck trying to get me off, motherfucker!

Because this time, I'm riding you, Jezebull!

Oh, shit.

This is about the rodeo.

For courage.

See you in a couple of minutes.

Wiley...

Three, two, one...

Coward!

Coward!

I'll never forget how you looked at me

after I got off that bull.

It was like the light in your eyes,

the light for me, just went out.

Just tell me the truth.

That was when you stopped loving me, wasn't it?

That day, in that instant.

Because you saw me for what I really am.

A coward.

Okay, okay, okay.

No more secrets.

See you in a couple minutes.

Wiley...

I was helpless.

In an instant, you were getting on that monster,

and I knew I couldn't stop you.

I knew there wasn't going to be Alaska anymore.

There wasn't going to be you anymore,

because you were gonna die.

So I did what I'd only ever seen other people do...

Please save him,

please save him, please save him.

I put my hands together, and I prayed.

What?

I was willing to do anything.

"Please save him," I said.

Please save him, please save him,

please save him.

♪ They can't see you ♪

And then I wasn't at the rodeo anymore.

I was somewhere else.

A restaurant.

I didn't understand, but somehow,

I... I knew I wasn't dreaming.

I knew that it was really happening.

Then I saw him.

♪ Anyone, anyone ♪

And it didn't matter that up until that very second,

I didn't believe in him.

I just knew who he was.

♪ Anyone ♪

♪ For the ones ♪

♪ Who pity me ♪

And he fed me.

♪ Anyone ♪

♪ 'Cause they just don't know ♪

♪ Anyone ♪

♪ Oh, they don't know what happiness and love can be ♪

It was love at first sight.

Undeniable.

Absolute.

Forever.

♪ I know to ever let you go ♪

♪ Oh, is more ♪

♪ Than I ♪

You're right.

Everything did change that day.

In an instant.

♪ Who knows what love is ♪

Wiley, you didn't get off that bull

because you were a coward.

You did it because I asked him to save you, and he did!

You went to a restaurant?

Yes.

You ate there?

Falafel.

And this isn't like, a metaphor.

This is... this is actual. This is like, a real place.

It is as real as it gets, man.

And uh, this guy...

He is who I think he is?

Yes.

And look, I wanted to tell you, to help you move on.

But I... I didn't think you'd believe me.

You didn't think I would believe

that on the worst day of my life,

you teleported to a restaurant

and met... fell in love with...

- The Messiah... - I...

And he... he fed you falafel.

It was really good.

I mean, I always wondered

if there was someone else, Lizzie.

But I really didn't anticipate

I lost out to the King of fucking Kings.

To Jesus?

To Jesus goddamn Christ?

That's not... Don't say it like that.

Don't blaspheme your husband?

I can't call your husband... the guy that stole my girlfriend...

I can't call him Jesus motherfucking goddamn Christ?

Fuck you, Jesus fucking goddamn motherfucking Christ!

Am I dead?

No such luck, idiot.

Did I win?

They gave you a pin.

So yeah.

Congrats. You are worthy.

Yay.

Got to take him now, sister.

Can I ride with him?

I'm afraid only patients allowed in the back.

Wiley, I saw the Grail.

The women, those bankers. They have it.

We're so close.

With all due respect, Lizzie,

I don't give a shit about the Holy Grail.

You sure about that?

I've never been more sure of anything in my entire life.

You know where we can find the lad

that was struck by lightning?

Uh, the other ambulance just took him.

What other ambulance?

All right, my son.

Now that we've finally got some time to ourselves...

I'm looking forward

to discussing where you got those shoes.

What the... oh, shit. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait...