Original subtitles

They buried the ring along with the bride's corpse, you know, so that really should have been the end of it.

But times were hard back then and some thieving bugger must have dug her up for her jewellery.

So despite its bloody past, Josephine Stewart's engagement ring

somehow found its way onto the finger of another young girl in love. And after another

uncompleted wedding day it nearly ended up back in the ground again. But this family were poorer, and

couldn't afford to be superstitious. So they sold it on. Another grand wedding

planned. Another succession of connected deaths. Another blood on the day itself.

And again in the nineteen twenties. And again

in the nineteen fifties. Rumor has it that it was bought by collector of strange objects

after that. He knew that the vengeful spirit would only truly be severed

from the ring and made mortal once again if the ring could be successfully be

used in a wedding ceremony. Something that the spirit would surely never allow.

So he had the trinket blessed as best he could, and stuck it away in his collection, next to

the broken voodoo dolls and the badly drawn druid pornography. Eventually he died

of natural-ish causes, and various relatives would never much cared for him

flogged off his collection for a fraction of its worth. So it wasn't really a question of "if" the ring

would turn up again, more just "when". And, from there, given that the world can be a dark and violent place

where blessings don't last forever and endings are rarely happy...

It wasn't really a question of "whether" the spirit of Josephine Stewart would claim

more lives. More just of "how many?"

- Have you decided yet, sir?

- Yeah. I want that. That ring there. I want it. To buy it.

Are you going to charge me more now you know how much I want it? Because I'm not really all that interested. I will, though. Buy it. Provided it's...

How much was it, you said?

- This particular ring is...

- You know what? I don't care. It's the right one.

I've been everywhere. I'm getting married, you see.

- Congratulations

- She doesn't actually know yet. How much did you say it was again?

-nI didn't sir. Because you keep on talking.

- Oh yeah. Sorry. I'll take it.

- Very good sir. I tell you what, I'll give you a special price buying it back should she turn you down.

- Oh right. Cheers. She won't though. Turn me down, that is.

- And why's that, sir?

- Because, that's just the way it is.

(Cheers)

- Ladies and Gents, you've been an awesome audience. My name is Lee Parker and my conscience is clear.

(Applause)

- Lee Parker, ladies and gentlemen, being far too funny and making me look shit. Give it up once more for Lee Parker!

(Applause, cheering)

- I'm gonna propose to her, mate. I'm gonna do it. I nearly did it last night after the gig.

- So, what stopped you?

- Well, she said...

- I love this. I don't ever want this to change.

- I couldn't propose after that, could I? I know I love her and want to be with her forever. That's not the issue. But things are so good right now

why do I need to change them?

- Dude, let me tell you what I've learned about women.

- Yeah, go on then. What?

- Nothing. So what are you asking me for? I have absolutely no idea how to treat women.

Do I, Renee? No, don't hang up. I'll be with you in one minute.

See? And she LIKES me.

You've just got to do it. For Queen and country. For the good of us all.

- You know what, mate? You're right. Tomorrow. In the gardens.

- In all the movies you've ever seen, what's your favourite death scene?

- The perfect romantic setting to discuss cinematic death scenes. Nice one.

- Alright, forget death scenes

- Roy Batty, Blade Runner.

- Good call actually. Alright then, your favourite...

marriage proposal scene?

- Say again?

- C'mon, you must have one

- Naturally. Who wouldn't have a favourite marriage proposal scene?

For example, yours is...?

- I like the one with the guy in that film with the, uh, talking dog.

- A movie with a guy with a talking dog has your favourite marriage proposal scene?

- Yeah.

- What happens?

- The dog says "I do" instead of the bride. It's hilarious.

- People don't say "I do" during the proposal, Lee. They wait to the actual ceremony.

- Really? Oh, man.

- Since you're about as subtle as a punch in the tits, you feel like telling me why you'd like to know?

- I just wanted to know the best way

to do this.

Find out the best time to produce the ring.

Have I done it too soon? Is this too soon?

Is this just right?

And when do I tell you how much I love you? Every tiny molecule of your being?

and that I'd give everything in the world to have you beside me every day of my life?

Do I do that before or after the actual proposal?

The moment where I stop babbling and say...

Nicole Meadows. Will you marry me?

That works. That's good. It's good like that.

- You know, an answer right now would actually rock.

- Of course "yes", you utter cock.

Dad is going to be so happy.

- I'm not happy.

I'm not happy at all.

Jesus, Al, have you any idea the situation this has put me in with Gardenia?

Do you know what he does to people who don't pay back?

Well, let me tell you. Do you remember Sid Ferris?

Do you know what happened to him when he tried to screw Gardenia on that Casino money?

No? I'll tell you. He was found with his cock cut off and his heart cut out.

They were lying next to his body. One stuck through the other like a bleeding valentine.

Nah, that wouldn't be possible.

Yeah, that's right. Cock through heart, yeah.

Other way round would be too difficult. No matter how skilled a guy was.

Yeah. Anyway, that's what's likely going to happen to me, unless you get your thumb out of your arse

- Dad!

- And, and... Get the monkeys. Monkeys.

- Why were you ordering a monkey, Dad?

- Monkeys. Several monkeys. Toy monkeys. Been ordering them over the net. Be a hot thing this Christmas. Believe me, I'll make a mint.

- Ever the business man, Mr Meadows.

- Yeah, I try, son. I try.

Anyway. Angel, what brings you here this time of night?

- Well, it's not just me. Lee has something he'd like to ask you.

- Oh yeah?

- Yeah. Yes, I do.

- In films, right, what's your favourite...

Nicole. Marry Nicole.

I want to marry Nicole. I'm going to. And...

She told me to tell you. Ask you.

For her. For me to have her.

MARRY her. Nicole.

- Did you just say that you want to "have" my daughter?

- No. No.

Yeah. Can I?

- Did I just get from all that babble

that you two are going to get hitched?

- With your kind permission.

- Permission granted.

Good on you both. Congratulations.

- Thanks

- Thanks Dad

- Oh yeah. Best Dad in the universe. And if I'd have said no, you two wouldn't have gone near each other again, would you?

Out of simple respect for me. Yeah.

Look, I'd love to celebrate with you kids, but I've got a shitload of work on here, so...

How about tomorrow, eh? We'll have a drink?

- Love you, Dad.

- Yeah, I love you too, angel.

- Have a good night, eh?

- We will do. See you tomorrow.

- Take care.

- Bye!

- Best Dad in the universe.

Hello? Yeah. We need to make some arrangements.

- So, we want all the good things about a church wedding, without the actual church thing, yeah?

- Sounds good.

I know you can't set foot on hallowed ground without catching fire.

- Registry office?

No, no. Lacks a certain...

- There's a little hall where Alice and Simon got married.

- First Simon or second Simon?

- Second Simon. God, as if I'd do anything the same as Alice and First Simon.

The hall's pretty. Small, lemon drapes.

Just enough room for friends and family.

Plus it won't break Dad's bank. If we don't take control, he'll just keep spending and spending.

- That sounds nice. Shall we check its availability?

- Mmm. We really, really are getting married, aren't we?

- We really, really are.

- Oh hi. I'm looking for a venue for a stag night and I was hoping you might be amenable.

Yes, something sedate.

About 20 guys or so.

Just one other thing.

Do you have any venues with a vomitorium, perchance?

No, a vomitorium.

A room in which people may vomit to make room for more consumption.

Although that may be a mis- Hello?

Hello?

- I was driving yesterday and some guy gave me the "wanker" sign.

- You see, that's just not right, is it?

- Exactly. You can't give a lady the wanker sign. It's the finger. Or the "cocks in mouth"

I just caught myself looking at my ring again.

It really is beautiful. Where did you get it?

Well, it's old. It's really pretty old, I think.

- I wonder who had it first.

I wonder if they were happy.

- I'm sure they were.

- And love is good, and love is true, and love forever

and all is gentle, all is pure and all divine

and you shall hold me, and our bond shall never sever

and I shall be forever yours, and you be mine.

- Lesley. How lovely to see you.

- Jacob. What a pleasant surprise. You want a coffee?

- Coffee would be great. Cheers.

You've really pissed my Dad off. You know that?

- Yeah, I know that.

- Lesley Meadows. L. E. Y. That's the girls' way of spelling it, isn't it?

- I think of it as MY way of spelling it.

- No, it is. It's the girls' way. For a guy it's supposed to end 'ie'

- I imagine you have three sugars in your coffee. Am I right?

- You saying I'm fat?

- I imagine you have a sweet tooth.

- You're saying I'm fat! You stand there with your fucking chick name and your pot of coffee and you call me fat!

- What's the coffee got to do with it?

- Say again?

- I'm standing here, with my fucking chick name, calling you fat.

The coffee just strikes me as an irrelevant detail, that's all.

- Do you know what this is, Lesley with an E Y?

- Well, if it's a sweet dispenser, they've really changed the design.

- You owe my father a quarter of a million.

- Yeah, and how much do you reckon he's going to get back if you shoot me?

- Shoot you in the heart? Maybe that would hinder your payment plan.

Maybe I'll shoot you in the daughter.

- And now I'm going to have to ask you to take that sentence back.

- If you shoot me, my father will not rest until your family lies in pieces.

You see? You fucking idiot? I'm untouchable.

Your daughter, on the other hand, she looks pretty touch-

(gunshot)

- Shit.

- Dad, I found the dress I've been-

- Nicole! It's not... I mean... He was...

I was just about to phone the police. Tell them what I did.

- How are we going to get rid of the body?

- What?

- I love you, Dad. That love comes with trust. Trust means I don't need to ask.

I know you're a good man, which means that that man isn't.

So, how are we going to get rid of the body?

- There's a quarry about an hour's drive away. I've heard it's been used before.

- Lee's gigging up north tonight. I'll catch a movie and come back once it's dark.

- I don't know what to say.

- Best daughter in the world should cover it.

- We never say anything to Lee. Ever.

- No.

- And you never get into this sort of situation again.

- No, of course not.

- And we DON'T let it spoil the wedding.

- No. I'll have to make some alterations, but...

- Whatever needs to happen. Wrap him up in something. I'll be back at ten.

- Ok, Meadows. Can you actually live with this?

Because I don't think you can.

She's your daughter, for God's sake.

She shouldn't be involved.

Hand yourself in to the police.

Yeah.

But I don't want to hand myself in.

That little shit deserved it.

Which takes us neatly back to the question.

Can I live with this?

Yeah. I think I can.

- You see, the problem with human beings is; our needs are too specific.

The perfect match for you.

The ideal person. But then...

You discover that person is a balloon fetishist.

But as it turns out, you're a balloon fetishist as well.

So surely now, with the specifics dealt with

you can relax and be happy in your life of air-filled rubber arousal?

No, because as it turns out there are two different groups of balloon fetishist.

Squeakers.

Bursters.

I'm making up the terminology but the concept is true.

Anyway, your squeakers

Have to have the balloons involved in the sex

They blow them up

Tie them up

Give them a bit of a squeak.

And then they're allowed to deflate safely.

Your bursters, on the other hand

At some point, that balloon has to pop.

Squeaker could never fuck burster.

That goes without saying.

When the knickers are damp and the hards are on

That balloon has either got to pop or not

So, one way or the other, someone is going home an unhappy bunny.

So you see, our needs are too specific.

Relationships are tough.

Your perfect match gets harder and harder to find the closer you look.

So, I just don't look very closely.

I get my girlfriend to stay 300 yards away from me at all times.

We communicate by post. Because I don't wanna find it, man.

That one pathetic reason that could fuck up a perfectly good relationship.

I respect her too much. I love her too much.

And if she never finds my balloon porn, the subject will never come up.

Ladies and Gents, I'm Lee Parker and my conscience is clear. Thank you.

(laughter)

- Woah! What's going on? I've only been away a day.

- It was a long day, though.

(muttering)

(TV noise)

(gutteral noise)

(gutteral noise again)

- You are hearing things, matey boy.

(tv noise)

Agh! Jesus Christ!

Agh! Jesus!

(panting)

- So, two weeks.

Two weeks, and you'll be a 'Mrs' what?

- I'll be Mrs Parker.

Mrs Nicole Parker.

- That's insane.

So, how long did it take you to know that Lee was the one?

- Pretty much straight away.

- And how did the boy impress such a notoriously "difficult to impress" girl such as you?

- He taught me how to play a game.

- Intriguing.

What sort of game?

- Excuse me, Miss?

- Yeah?

- Can I interest you in a game of lift roulette?

- I'm sorry?

- What I'm suggesting is a game of lift roulette.

It's a classic game of chance, you see.

What happens is, I dance

Or strike a pose

Drop my trousers

Basically, anything to make me look stupid at the point the lift stops and the doors open

You see, if there's nobody there then I've got away with it and I win.

If there's someone there, however, then I look stupid and YOU win.

You in?

Time's running out.

What floor do you get off at?

- Fourteen.

Yeah, I'm in.

- Cool.

You see, in this case, you win.

I'm going to lunch at 1.30, if you want to play again?

- Alright.

- See you then.

- Seriously? Lift roulette?

- I'm a sucker for whimsy.

- How long have we been friends, Nic?

- Uh, 14 years, I think. Jesus!

- And have you ever known me to be wrong about anything?

- Yes, lots of things.

Well, what did you want to know anyway?

- Piss off. Forget it!

(tv noise)

- Dude, where did you say Nic was again?

- Pub.

TV: ..Giant octopuses. I'll be there to defend them.

TV: Whenever tentacled sea creatures threaten our way of life

TV: I'll be there to stop them.

TV: How? How will you stop them?

TV: By shooting them.

TV: I see.

- Whay aren't WE in the pub?

In case you failed to notice, this film's shite

Let's go find her.

- She's with Carly.

- So?

- So, your track record with your exes isn't exactly stellar, is it, mate?

- Don't know what you're talking about.

- What was it you said to Katie's boyfriend when you first met him?

-Oh what? I just said that I thought Arsenal were letting themselves down this year.

I think you'll find that's called an opinion. It's not being rude.

- I wasn't talking about that particular sentence actually.

- Well, what other sentence?

- "'Ello mate, nice to meet you"

"By the way, does Katie still growl when she comes, or wouldn't you fucking know?"

- Oh yeah.

- That was why he hit me wasn't it?

Ah that doesn't matter; that was different. I wouldn't...

Hang on, are you trying to tell me Carly's got a new boyfriend?

-Well he's not exactly new is he?

- Jesus, she still with that guy?

The taxi driver

- Taxidermist

- Same thing

- No it's not. Look it up, will you.

Otherwise don't come crying to me next time you hail a cab

and some git stuffs your carcass full of sawdust.

- An octopus killed my father, you know.

(offscreen) - No wonder you are so pissed off with them

- Do you think she loves him?

- What? How do I know?

Anyway, why are you bothered? I thought you were still happy with that Renee bird.

- Totally. I don't really even...

- ...think about him much.

I'm happy with Eric. Eric's lovely.

- Good. That's great.

- It's brilliant.

So you're gonna be really happy, Nic.

I'm really proud of you.

- Thanks Carly.

- I'm just going to...

- Let us pray

- What the hell was that?

Did nobody see that?

Did nobody see that?

(whispering)

- Nic, honey, what's wrong? What's going on?

- There was somebody...

- What?

- Can we go?

- Of course, sure.

(doorbell) - Don't touch my beer.

Hey, what's wrong? What's up?

- Nothing to worry about. I'm absolutely fine, honey.

Just had a bit of a weird night is all.

- Come on, I'll get you to bed.

- Is it alright if I give Eric a call to pick me up?

It'll be a fortune in a cab. I won't be under you feet long.

- Yeah, go on, help yourself.

- Hi babe, could you pick me up, do you think?

Oh cheers.

No, I'm at Lee's place.

23 Genesta Lane

It's just off Brightwell.

Thanks.

- Carly, Ricky's in the lounge.

- And could you really hurry up please?

Cheers.

Hello mate

- You're looking well.

- You're looking rat-arsed.

Which probably explains why you think I'm looking well.

- Didn't expect to see you tonight. What's up with the blushing bride?

- She says she saw a dirty man in the pub.

- And that overwhelmed her so much she had to come home early.

Hygiene fascist.

- I think it was more...

I don't know what it was.

So... how you been?

- Yeah, good.

- Seeing anyone?

- Yeah, Renee.

Lovely girl.

- Is she... the one?

- Why are you asking?

- Because I'm drunk

And nosey.

- Well luckily, I"m drunk enough to reply.

I can't imagine myself together forever with her

But I can't imagine that with any girl.

I always thought

It would be good to hang on to a single element

Of every ex

And slowly assemble the perfect Frankengirlfriend

You know, like this girl's sense of humour

And this girl's smile

This girl's eyes

I reckon I could find something from every girl I've ever been with.

That I could spend the rest of my life with

But not necessarily the whole package.

You know?

- Yeah

I know what you mean.

- Saying he was dirty doesn't cover it.

Well...

Unclean

Like spiritually unclean.

Like it wasn't actually a person.

- It just sounds weird.

I don't know what to say, Nic.

You've been under a lot of pressure lately.

I know you've been worried about your dad, and then there's the wedding...

- Oh, I'm not worried, I'm fine. Seriously. I'm fine.

- Did you at least have a good night up until then?

- Yeah. Carly was on good form and we...

Hang on

- What?

- Is Ricky still downstairs?

- Oh shit!

- Sod 'em. Leave them to it.

- Yeah, I think we'd better...

- I said leave them.

- So have you worked out the speech?

- Have I worked out the what now?

- The speech.

Kinda goes with the whole Best Man thing.

- Nah. I'll get Lee to write it for me.

- You can't do that! That misses the point totally.

- Well he is a professional comedian. His will be much better.

(doorbell)

- That'll be Eric.

- Cool.

Bring him in, I'd like to meet him.

- Ricky, Eric. Eric, Ricky.

- Hi, Eric. Nice to meet you, man.

- You too.

You're the, uh, publicist guy, right?

- Guilty.

Do you know what? You two look really nice together, actually.

- Yeah, I think so.

Come on, Carly. Time to go.

- Eric, Hi. Everything alright here?

- Everyone happy?

- Everything ok?

- Everything's fine.

- Everything's been really nice.

- I think it's been terrific.

We got to have a little chat. Got to meet Eric, who I've been hearing so much about.

- All good, I hope.

- I dunno. Call it 50/50.

Kidding. Course all good.

Look forward to seeing you guys at the wedding, alright?

- Just one thing...

You see, we were having a conversation earlier about perfect people

And Ricky was saying how he'd like to keep one thing from every ex-girlfriend.

And seeing as we went out for a bit, you know

I wondered what you'd keep.

from me

- It would be...

Your nipples, Carly.

Okay, alright, hear me out.

Just imagine a dark pink world.

And in that dark pink world, somebody stubs out a dark pink cigar

Into a dark pink marshmallow

And thus, they create one of Carly's nipples.

Magnificent, without equal and fucking en...

Nice slap, bitch.

I remember when you could look after yourself

Still can. Good to know.

- Why did you... Just why?

- Witchcraft?

- You prick!

For God's sake, man. Look, I really want you to be my Best Man.

Fuck knows why. I must need my fucking head examined.

Why did you have to do it, eh?

- Dude, they were great nipples.

- Shut up, will you. Just go home.

- I think it's best if I wait till they're safely gone, don't you?

- Shut up and stay here then. The shutting up is the important bit, ok?

(whispering)

(screams)

- What the hell?

- I just saw something.

I saw a woman's face

- There's nothing there.

Maybe you were having an acid flashback

- You really can't stand that I had a life before you, can you?

- No, I can't stand that you had an IDIOT before me

- That's nice. Real nice. What exactly would it take to shut you up?

-Stitch my mouth shut. Still wouldn't be enough.

(whispering)

(muffled panic)

- Eric? Where are you?

Eric?

I don't believe it

He's left me

The bastard's left me in the middle of the night!

Well, it's not as if he lived here. There's not much of his stuff to check.

Hold on

His car's still there

Thank God. He must be coming back.

Maybe he's just popped out for the papers or something

Yeah. Absolutely.

Cheers, Nic

- Protection. I'm organising protection.

Which means we'll need to cut the guest list to accomodate some of my associates.

- By how much?

- If Gardenia makes a move on the wedding, it's the ceremony he's going to go for.

Still invite your mates to the reception

But, uh, we need to pack the ceremony with muscle

- What makes you think he'd go for a revenge hit at the wedding?

- Just a hunch.

- You still trying to sort out those flowers?

- Yeah. Nightmare.

- I liked chocolate ice cream, you know.

Just to give you some idea of what I was like, before I was a corpse.

I liked chocolate ice-cream.

(Booming sounds)

(Booming sounds)

- That's my ring, whore!

(gasp)

- Carly?

Yeah, I know. Sorry it's so late but I really need to speak to you.

- So, what are we talking?

Secret lives? Infidelity?

Cold feet? What?

- Do you still know that occult stuff you were so into at uni?

- (laughs) You come over here all snot and nightshirts because you're worried about the occult?

- This ring won't come off.

- So we are talking cold feet?

- This ring won't come off, Carly.

It used to

And then I started having these dreams

And then I got blood on it

And now it won't come off

- I'm sorry honey. You've lost me?

- Back as a student, you used to read auras and stuff, right?

- Jesus! As a student!

I also used to drink Snakebite and black just for the joy of puking purple

But I don't do that anymore either

- Please?

- For me?

- You're serious?

You always used to say that stuff was horseshit.

- Oh, I just need to know that everything's okay with me.

- It's a long time since I've done this, Nic

I can't promise anything.

We need to turn the lights down

- How are you feeling?

- Good

Well, okay

- I'm going to need your hand

This really is just hippy bullshit, you know, Nic

It's to do with the way the pupils take in light

I just used to do it to make the goth guys think...

Oh God

- What?

What is it?

- It's like a pulsing

Can you see it?

- You're messing with me, aren't you?

Carly?

I can't believe it. I can believe you'd mess...

- I can see her.

- The woman in the dress?

- The woman in the dress.

- What can we do?

- Do you reckon we can make it to London and back before Lee wakes up?

- Why?

- We're going to wake up my cousin

(music)

- Hi Carly. Hi. Good to see you.

Do we hug? I forget.

- Hi Sinclair. Yes, we hug.

- And... Kiss?

- Um, no.

No, we don't do that.

- I must apologise for the clutter

I'd make you a cup of tea, but I appear to have mislaid the kettle

Would you show any interest in lime cordial?

- No thank you

- And you, um...?

- Nicole

Yes, lime cordial sounds delightful

- Does it?

Balls

I was bluffing

I don't have any of that either

Um, there's some water in the toilet if you want it

In the taps from the toilet, I mean. I'm not suggesting that you

scoop it out, or get down on all fours and lap it out of the bowl

- Nicole's ring!

I think it's cursed

- Oh, I very much doubt that

Cursed rings are very few and far between

despite what you may have heard from-

Jesus Christ!

That's Josephine Stewart's ring

- Who?

- Oh, I expect you would have seen her by now

Dreams? Visions?

I imagine she would have taken quite a dislike to you

- She called me a whore

- How horribly rude of her

Josephine Stewart...

A beautiful young woman

Betrayed by the man she was set to marry

And she snapped

She didn't confront him

Or even tell him that she knew

She just began picking people off

One by one. Anyone even vaguely associated with him...

Her...

The wedding...

And then, on the wedding day itself

She put on her dress

and killed her husband's mistress

So legend has it, she bit off her ring finger and spat it at her husband

Before slicing open his stomach and pulling out his entrails

Then she took her own life

and that... That's her ring.

- This is impossible

- Far from it

- Those of us who take the time to follow such things

have been waiting for that ring to show up for quite a while now

Oh, it's cropped up once or twice over the past 100 years or so

Always with young couples

Always so much in love

Always turns out messy

- So, what can you do about it?

- Let's meet this bitch!

And from darkness...

to light

and so, I call you out

and from water

to air

so I call you out...

- No, he doesn't!

You take what's mine

You show no respect

You talk of love and you know nothing!

- He really hurt you, didn't he?

Broke your heart?

- I was going to wait to spill whore blood

but I'll just take you all now!

- No, you won't

You're in a mirror

- And you're staying there

- NO!

- So, what, she is staying in there?

- I've always wanted a mirror with a ghost in it

- Sinclair!

This ring still won't come off

- It doesn't altogether surprise me

You see, the ring's still hers

It's her anchor

But, in time, the meaning of the ring will change

It won't be her anchor

Then, it'll just be a normal ring

Until then, I'd advise you to keep it away from bad karma

Dark energy, blood, corpses

That kind of thing

and then she'll stay stuck in the mirror

and whatever you do

don't stick the finger with the ring

up your arse

- Why?

- Because it's dirty

and horrid to stick your fingers up your arse

Did your mother teach you nothing?

- Father.

And, yes, he taught me a lot.

- I think it's time to go home

So, no more secrets between you and Lee, then?

- No.

- I hope I see you ladies again soon

and, Carly...?

Remember.

It's okay between cousins.

There's nothing wrong with it whatsoever.

It's not even against the law.

- I really don't want to even think about that, thank you, Sinclair.

- Repressed, that's your problem.

I'll see you soon.

- I think you and me need to have a chat, Nicky.

- About what?

- Well, I'm not even going to start as to where you ran off to in the middle of the night

I'll start with the blood stains on your top

- I can't tell you

- Try.

- If I tell you, I'm endangering you

I couldn't do that

- Well, you used to say to me you couldn't lie to me either

I guess that's gone by the wayside

So, seeing as we're setting precedents here today

Why don't you just tell me why you've got blood all over your clothes?

I mean, c'mon, Nicky, we're getting married for Christ's sake

- I can't tell you honey

- Where the fuck does that leave us then, eh?

(door slam)

(whispering)

(car horn)

(music)

- What time is it?

- Eleven

- Is this the day or the night?

- Well, I don't know. My watch doesn't say.

- We came here in the morning, didn't we?

This can't be right. What time does this place close?

It doesn't?

Interesting.

- You want to talk to some chicks?

- No.

I really don't.

- You want to tell me what happened?

- No!

- Do you...

want to be sick again?

- No. Sorry about your shoes.

- Look, dude, whatever's going on

you're obviously having some sort of moment of realisation

and when that happens, it's never straightforward

- I don't know why I ever thought this could work out

- Cousin Emma had a kid a few years back

The first in our generation to make with the baby production

So I became, like an aunt

A second aunt? A something aunt.

Anyway, I hadn't seen Emma in years

and suddenly she announces that she wanted to come and stay overnight

You know, a favour.

Just her and the little boy, no big deal, just one night.

The little boy was a toddler at this point

Called Colin. Adorable little boy.

I'd just graduated from Uni and I was sharing a flat with Carly

which wasn't exactly child-friendly.

It wasn't a crack den or anything, it was just that we were used to leaving stuff lying around

Carly left a vibrator on the kitchen sideboard once, you know, that kind of thing.

And I was so determined to make a good impression on Emma

and not forever go down in history as the bad aunt who let Colin drink bongwater or something

It was great. We had plenty of soft toys lying around

and Georgie was a kitten at this point.

Can you think of anything more child friendly than a kitten and a bunch of soft toys?

So Emma would think I was brilliant, and everything would be wonderful

- Foolproof.

- So, I was talking to Emma about tax breaks, or something suitably grown up

but Georgie wasn't happy

because we'd only had him fixed about three days before

and Georgie found the octopus. My stuffed toy octopus.

- I didn't know you had a stuffed toy octopus

- I don't. Not any more.

So, Georgie picks up the stuffed toy octopus and drags it into the middle of the living room floor

and little Colin sits on the sofa and watches

while Georgie attempts to have sex with the stuffed toy octopus' face

- God.

- Doomed to failure

3 days after being neutered, there's no way a kitten

can satisfactorily have sex with an octopus' face

What Georgie actually did

was drag his empty, stitched scrotum repeatedly across the octopus' sightless plastic eyes

and howl

(howls)

A howl of loss and frustration

and little Colin sits there and watches Georgie dry-fuck the octopus' face

and begins to cry

It was possibly the most disturbing thing I've seen in my entire life

(laughs)

Do you want to go and get an ice-cream?

- I think I've just fallen in love with you

- Interesting choice of moment

- Come on.

(music)

- Wow

- Wow what?

- I just had a, what did you call it? A moment of realisation

I've just realised

I don't care

- You don't care?

- No.

Cheers, mate!

- I don't care about secrets

I don't care about mistakes. All I want to do is just get married.

- That's terrific, Lee. But I haven't got a clue what you're talking about.

Nic's not here.

- Wasn't at her flat, either.

Or mine.

- Her Dad's office?

- Worth a try.

(shriek of pain)

- This is turning into a really bad day

- I'm really sorry. I'm just in a bit of a hurry, okay?

- Well, "hurry is as hurry does", as my old Granny used to say

Mind you, she was mad, so that doesn't really help any

Buy us a new one?

- Okay, where's your coffee machine?

- Not the coffee. Buy us a new boiler suit.

- I haven't got time to buy you a new boiler suit.

- You haven't got time to buy me a new boiler suit?

- No, I bloody haven't!

- Well, I think you'll find, then, I haven't got time to let you pass

- You haven't so much as blinked at me ever before

- I think I'd better start making up for lost time then, hadn't I?

- Oh, God.

- Andy!

(toilet flush)

- I can't believe the amount of effort it takes to have a successful crap in one of these things

Eight buttons, velcro, pull it all the way down

Should just have a little slit. Here.

- That'd be cool.

- Crotchless

- Erotic

- GUYS!

- Problem?

- This toilet is making threats

- Hang on a sec. I've not made any threats.

- This toilet is threatening

not to buy me a new boiler suit

(both) - The bastard!

- So, are we extorting clothes from people again?

- Yeah, looks like

- So, you guys do this sort of thing often?

- Not all the time

- Sometimes

- Not always clothes

- Biscuits

- Toffee apples

- Labradors

- Hats

- This isn't how security is meant to work

- You know all about it, do you?

- I think you'll find

(both) - We make the rules round here

- Fine!

- What bloody size are you?

- Is he saying I'm fat now?

- I think he is. He's a medium. Look at him. Quite clearly a medium.

- Extra medium

- Who you kidding, pal?

(both) - Crotchless!

- Crotchless medium

- Extra crotchless medium

- I've always wanted to be a better Dad than I have been, angel

I wish your mum was still around

She'd have been better at giving advice than me

I think you just need to talk to him

Tell him what you think he needs to know

I trust you

- He won't listen!

Not now. It's too late

- I don't think you should count him out just yet

(music)

- You don't have to tell me anything

- I know. I'm going to tell you everything now, anyway

(Lesley) - I'll put on some coffee now, shall I?

(song) We're back, and it's fine

(song) And I smile all the time

(song) 'cos I'm yours and you're mine

(song) and we're back, and it's fine

(song) You laughed and I cried, and we talked and I tried

(song) We're back and it's fine

(song) and I smile all the time

(song) 'cos I'm yours and you're mine and we're back and it's fine

(song) we're back and it's fine

- I don't know if you're aware why we're doing this

It might strike some of you

as overly theatrical

Murders at a wedding

All a bit over the top

and if that's what you're thinking, that's fine

but if you decide to vocalise such opinions

then we'll have trouble

Keep 'em to yourself

Because

I want to make this very clear indeed

that bastard took my son

my boy

my Jacob

and, by God, I want payback!

He's got a daughter

for the next few hours at least

I wanna walk through pieces of her face

Kick at them, like autumn leaves

I want her lover strung up like a horse thief in the old West

but Meadows himself...

That's why I'm coming with you boys

I'm not sitting this one out

- Tell me one more time from the top

Who the hell are these guys?

- They're Lesley's associates

- And where are your friends and family again?

- I told you. Reception only now.

Lesley thought it was for the best.

- Any clue why he may have thought that?

- I think that he thinks that some shit may go down

- It's a wedding!

Shit doesn't go down at weddings

Shit goes down at midnight meetings at the docks

Shit goes down at drug deals

- Shit certainly...

- Would you keep your voice down?

- does not go down at weddings

- And it won't at this one either

Probably.

(Official) - All stand for the bride

(music)

(sinister music)

- Ladies and gentlemen, we're gathered here today to join in matrimony Lee Parker and Nicole Meadows

(muffled gunshot)

- Sniper!

(machine gun fire outside)

(muffled gunshot)

- Dad!

(muffled gunshot)

Dad!

- I'm sorry, princess

So sorry

I didn't want this to...

to ruin your big day

- Dad, I'd forgive you anything

I don't care

Just don't die on me

Please don't die on me

- Oh my God

Is he..?

Bastards

BASTARDS!

Get off me, Rick

(gunfire outside)

- Nic?

You might want to keep the cursed ring away from all the blood

It looks like it's...

Oh Jesus

We're going to have to move

- I'm not leaving Dad

- Come on

Nic, I'm so sorry

- Oh no!

(mirror smash)

- Come on!

Please, Nic

- LET US PRAY!

(eating sounds)

(gunshot)

(screams)

(gunshot)

- How are things over here then, mate?

- Few fuckers left. Won't take another couple of minutes

- Think you'll finish them off, though?

- I'm not letting those gangster bastards ruin that lassie's wedding day

- Good for you

(gunshot)

- I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave

You weren't invited

(scream)

I know what I have to do!

- Wait! Wait!

- You want the ring? Have it!

- Did you just chop off your finger and throw it at the ghost?

- Yeah?

- Why?

- Well, she vanished, didn't she?

- I think she was probably surprised

I was!

I think she'll be back any second

I don't think the finger thing will have helped

- Oh.

- You need to change the meaning of the anchor

You need to complete the wedding ceremony using the ring

So it's yours, not hers

- I actually feel quite sick

- Guys! Do not go outside! There's a fucking gang war going on out there!

- Where's the finger?

We need to reattach it

(screams)

- Oi, shithead!

Nobody chews my girl's finger on her wedding day

Sweetie? Ax.

(splatter)

- Give me the finger

Ricky, make yourself useful and find something with adhesive properties

- Like?

- Glue?

A stapler? A fucking nailgun if that's all you can find

This finger's going back on

- Did you say nailgun?

- Ricky, get the registrar

Right.

Staples first, tape over the top, I reckon.

We need to finish the ceremony

We change the meaning of the anchor

and she'll change too

- I might pass out

- Try and wait for the 'I do'

- I will

- Good

- No, I mean we're going to say 'I will' not 'I do'

- Good to know

(staple crunch)

(staple crunch)

(staple crunch)

(gunshot)

- You're going to be alright

- See, there's a problem, Carly

- There's no problem. There's no problem at all. You're going to get up.

- That would appear to be unwise

But that's not the problem

- No, don't you dare

Don't you fucking dare say it

- Not punching me near the soon-to-be-fatal wound

would be greatly appreciated

- Oh, leopard, I'm so sorry

- Leopard?

You ain't called me that in a while

I still never change, do I?

- No, you don't

Are you gonna die on me now, Pearson?

Is that your big finish?

- No. Not if I can help it

- I think I might have... I may be...

Oh, sod it

- I tell you what, Carly. I'm not going to die

Not now there seems to be a chance that, if I pull through...

I'll get to see one of your nipples again

- I'll show you now if you want

- No, not yet. They're giving me something to live for.

- Keep reading!

- And, if anybody...

...here has any...

...just...

...impediment

- Look, no-one's going to object. I think it's safe to move on.

- I'm sorry, I can't remember this stuff

I'm fucking shitting myself here, her fucking finger's falling off for fuck's sake

I now pronounce you

man and wife

(scream)

- You may kill the bride

(shout)

(music)

(Sinclair) - They say love conquers all

and they might be right

I don't know quite what the police made of it all

A couple of dozen dead gangsters from rival organisations

a monster with an ax wound in its head

and a beheaded woman in a wedding dress

who had apparently already died over a hundred years beforehand

I don't think Lee and Nicole ever found out what the police made of it either

According to Carly, they buggered off on their honeymoon without so much as stopping at the dry cleaners

or the police station

and they have yet to return

As for Carly

she seems to be back with that Ricky chap more or less permanently

"giving it another try"

Just because he got a bit shot, I don't see what so fucking impressive about...

Now now, Sinclair. Mustn't get bitter.

The spirit of Josephine Stewart finally found rest

and it was happily ever afters all round.

Well, except for all the people that died, I suppose.

Subtitles by Jinx Media 2016