Original subtitles

You are about to witness a murder. My murder.

Alfred!

Why was I stabbed in the chest?

Did I know too much?

Did I know too little?

Did I know just enough?

Or was it my shower cap?

It all began three short days ago in Los Angeles, California.

It was a day like any other day.

Can't we all just get along?

Hey, hey, hey excuse me, hey, Rodney.

Hey, could you give me another take of that?

Last time I shot it, it was too dark.

It was night, remember?

- Thank you. - Hey!

Stop where you are!

We're going to take 'em down!

Dead or alive!

No more "Mr. Nice Guy"!

Tell me, don't die!

Tell me quick, who was it, who was it?

It was... Who was it?

It was The Gimp.

These are the feet of rookie FBI agent Jo Dee Fostar.

He is in heavy training for his first big case.

FBI rookies get the finest training equipment.

Oh.

Thank you, Jo.

Pleasure.

See you tomorrow!

Morning, Jo.

Morning, George.

Still running, I see.

Sure.

I used to run for office.

Now you run to office.

What's so funny? I didn't get it.

- Oh, it's nothing. - You want some?

Oh, thank you, I got my own.

Ah, go for it.

Good Morning, Jo.

Morning, Bill, how's it going?

Fine, fine.

"Dawn of the Dead" is it?

I see the presidential escort is out, but where's the president?

- He's right here. - Here?

I only see her husband.

What's so funny?

What's he blowing so hard for?

You know he doesn't inhale.

And no one in the US of A will inhale after I tax the air they breathe.

What do you mean by that?

This is the way you thank me after I save your ass from Saddam's killers?

Those missiles cost money, you know?

Who's going to pay for that?

Halt!

- You Jo Dee Fostar? - How do you know?

30 years out on the job he wants to know.

The boss wants you!

- The boss wants... - And where in hell have you been?

- I went outside on... - Shut up!

I didn't authorize you to speak!

- Can I say one thing? - Why? Sure.

Okay, now look...

Shut up!

Unbelievable, have you read this?

Guy can go out and get a sex change one day.

And the next he comes into the office and we're supposed to call him madam.

Unbelievable.

Never mind him.

Remember, here you not only got to know

how to talk, you got to know how to listen!

After all, this is...

...the FBI!

Jo followed the sergeant to a division of the FBI...

...who deal only with the most violent criminals.

The game is up lady.

We have had you followed and we know what you're about.

Miss Sharon Bone, cut the crap and come clean!

I told you what happened that day.

I have nothing else to say.

Sharon Bone, you're lying.

Stop pulling our legs!

If Jo thought this was going to be a routine assignment...

...he was in for a big surprise.

Now wait here boy, and stay put!

Remember, learning how to wait is one of the secrets of the FBI!

His boss, Inspector Putrid, was a man of energy and passion who held nothing in.

Hi, Jo.

Sorry to keep you waiting.

I don't feel too good.

Must've eaten something to upset my intestines. Could have been those oysters.

Fried the shell with Mexican refried beans, onions, paprika...

...peanut oil, dates, okra, jalapenos, a touch of Ginger.

Not now, Ginger.

Boy, I feel down in the dumps!

Speaking of dumps, that's the sixth time today I've ridden the old porcelain pony.

Anyway, the mission I'm entrusting to you is very delicate.

It's a dirty job.

It really stinks, because the killer is a psychopath.

Extremely, extremely dangerous man.

In order to get the most accurate information possible...

...we decided to question all prison inmates who have the same hang-up.

What conclusions have you found?

There are no psychopathic inmates in the entire US of A.

That's too bad. I would've given $10,000 to meet one.

Oh, here's one! Found him!

I just remembered that I have one up in the Hollywood Nuthouse.

Pay up, Jo.

Boss, come on now. It's just a figure of speech.

Settle down, boy.

Close the door.

Close the door!

Now you remember, boy, we don't use figures of speech around here.

You belong to the FB...

Thank God he missed my car.

$10,000.

This man is smart as a gorilla.

He's strong as a fox!

You be careful.

Thanks, boss.

Jo, I am sick of sneaking around during my lunch break.

Either we get married or no more pokey.

Jane, marrying you is my dream, but right now times are hard.

Yeah, I can see how hard they are.

Oh, but darling, money isn't everything.

I can get by on your cash flow.

Jane, let's not touch that subject for the moment.

- Oh. - Lunch is over.

We got to get back to the office.

Jo, you're the longest boyfriend I've had here in Los Angeles...

...but I can't take it anymore.

I want respectability.

I want a house with a white picket fence.

I want children parked in the garage.

I want a station wagon playing in the yard.

Wait, what are you trying to tell me? You want to leave me?

You know this is a delicate moment. I have to finish my FBI training course.

They just assigned me to a very important case...

...that could launch my career and you want me to marry you.

Knowing I just got a divorce.

All right, she was my mother, but she's still a woman.

And she loves me.

Which reminds me, I have to pay alimony.

Which I can't do because I don't have any money. Don't you see my dilemma?

No, of course you don't.

Nope, you don't understand.

Or you don't want to understand.

No, you don't want to understand and you're selfish.

You don't understand, you're selfish, and you're inconsiderate.

You don't understand, you're selfish, inconsiderate and, and...

I'm sorry, you're sick and tired of hearing this aren't you?

You must leave, darling.

Ooh, Jo, I've never seen you so mighty before.

It's nothing.

I always get this way when I'm in the act of solving a case.

I'll give you a lift.

That's okay, I can catch the bus right outside.

Jo was nervous.

His investigation had to begin at the Hollywood Nuthouse.

There it was, ominous and intimidating.

Jo needed to proceed with caution.

And above all, not lose sight of his objective.

Good evening. FBI, I have an appointment.

It was a tough prison.

Inmates were released only if they consented to medical experiments.

Okay, malicious Mel.

Here are your personal affects.

Must be pretty excited to be getting out of here after 30 years, huh?

This one just had cosmetic surgery.

Thank you, see you later!

Bye bye now.

The man you want to see is in this wing.

Good luck.

Master, master, why do I have such an ugly face?

Here, kiss this, it'll make you prettier!

Oh, it's alive, its alive!

Buddy, you better be real careful.

Dr. Animal is very dangerous.

His intelligence goes beyond the borders of the human mind.

His savagery goes beyond the borders of the animal.

How'd he go beyond all these borders if he doesn't have a passport?

There's little to laugh about.

Look what he did to his victims.

Take those photos, it's terrible.

Well that's why they called him Dr. Animal Cannibal Pizza.

He was a psychiatrist and one day he got evicted.

Homeless and with no office and being of Italian origin...

...he began to see his patients in a pizza joint during closing time.

You go down through this tunnel, then I'll open the gate...

...which will lead to Dr. Animals cell.

Once inside, don't stop along the way...

...and don't be afraid of the other inmates in the wing.

And above all, don't feed Dr. Animal.

Once upon a time a guard succumbed to his flattery and gave him a tomato.

The poor slob was found ground up in a bottle of ketchup...

...on a table at McDonald's in San Diego.

Do me a favor, keep it down, this is a

delicate case and my mission is top secret.

- Don't worry, my lips are sealed. - Thanks.

Hey guys, there's another asshole cop going down to see Animal Cannibal!

Give me the phone, I want to call the newspapers!

The maximum security wing, horrible, terrifying, blood-curdling.

Excuse me, Miss.

Exactly where is the unbelievably bad maniacs wing?

Follow me.

Here we are sir.

Misery... Misery must not die!

Jo was about to meet the most diabolical and cunning killer of all time...

Dr. Animal.

Good morning.

- Good morning. - Don't move.

Please, Miss, don't say a word.

Just give me a moment.

You're a woman, you're black.

From a very strange place.

Cleveland!

You're wearing earth tones.

You used to date a policeman, but you just couldn't cop it.

He made you very unhappy.

Is that...

Where is she? Where'd she go? And who are you?

I'm white and I'm male, you didn't get one of those things right.

I have a cold.

Are you from Pittsburgh?

- No, I'm with the FBI. - Shit.

I'm here for your advice.

May I be frank?

- I thought you were Jo? - All right, I'll be both.

I need your help to nail a killer.

I know, I know.

I have psychic powers but there's no air in here.

I'm cooped up. I'm being held against my will and my willy.

Don't you understand?

My psychic powers have been farmisht.

- For what? - Forget it.

FBI.

May I see your credentials please?

Closer please.

Closer.

Closer.

Close enough.

Oh how I long for nice hot pizza made with the brains of an intellect.

I miss that texture.

I can smell your Aqua Velva.

Pencils, pens, puce.

Give me a break.

Hey, stay.

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall, Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.

All the king's horses and all the king's men had scrambled eggs.

Oh, I like you, Miss...

Mister.

Please, call me Doctor.

Did you do those drawings, Doctor?

Yes, I'm taking a correspondence course.

Dr. Animal.

Call me A.

A?

Also, call me Doctor.

A doctor.

- Dr. A. - Excuse me. Dr. A.

- Bingo. - Dr. A. Bingo?

Moving on.

I've been entrusted with a very delicate case.

See, it's the, well it's the first of my career actually.

- We're chasing a killer... - Bah!

I'm getting a vision.

Wait, I see a man-eating dog.

- Man-eating dog? - Yes, we could be friends.

He has fierce, fierce teeth.

He's biting all of his victims in the groin.

Who?

They all died with a surprised look on their face.

It's no wonder.

Oh wait. Wait!

It's Lassie.

Hello, Lassie, what's going on?

Oh, she's very upset about Benji having all that screen time.

Wait, wait, she's also unhappy with little Timmy.

The bitch is really pissed.

Doctor, I appreciate all you're doing for me.

I really do, but...

- Oh don't be silly. - But...

It's all right, it's my pleasure.

But, but, but...

You sound like a motorboat, stow it!

I grow tired.

I go to the arms of Orpheus!

Goodnight.

It's incredible.

He doesn't even obey the law of gravity.

Meanwhile, Jane returned to work...

...not realizing her life was about to make an abrupt change.

Five, four, three, two, one, ignition.

Mr. Lobby, please come to reception.

Is Mr. Laurel back yet?

No.

That dear sweet man.

He's working so hard.

Sponging lunch off that rich Scandinavian client.

Miss Reception, please come to the lobby.

You look funny.

Have some coffee.

You know for seven years now you've been asking me if I want coffee.

I don't want coffee.

I hate coffee!

Sweet ladies.

Your boss just closed one humongous deal.

Hardy, bring out the drinks.

Laurel, my name is Laurel.

It's a terrific deal.

I stuck it to him, I stuck it to him.

For $400,000.

Excuse me.

What's your name?

Olaf, I'm Swedish.

Come on, are you really Swedish?

Not really.

My Father's Finnish and my Mother's Russian.

I could tell by your accent.

Have some coffee, it's good for your circulation.

No, thank you.

I don't like coffee, I prefer salmon juice.

Well have some coffee!

No!

Oh, it's very good.

Why don't you tell him, Mr. Hardy.

Laurel, my name is Laurel!

When she acts like that I could just smack her right in the mouth!

Jane, dear, would you put the money in the safe please?

Okay, boss.

Right this way.

I stuck it to him, I stuck it to him.

Now, where were we?

Have some coffee.

It's good!

I don't want none of your god damn coffee!

Marrying you is my biggest dream, but I don't have a dime!

Your boss just closed one humongous deal.

For $400,000.

And now you want me to marry you knowing I just got a divorce.

I always pay in cash.

Would you put all this money in the safe.

Won't you take me to Funky town?

The voices in her head had exhausted her.

So she pulled off the road and began sleeping like a baby.

Dear Jane, you were right.

The hell with being broke, let's get married anyway.

All I really want is you.

Therefore, please fill out the attached form.

A, is the house you live in yours?

B, please list all stocks and bonds held.

C, list any other possessions of value:

Furs, jewelry, stamp collections, et cetera.

Rover, how many times have I told you?

Hmm?

Come on now, you know, there's no sitting on the table.

Jo had an unexpected visitor, it was the woman in blue.

Listen, bastard, I'll break your face!

Where have you hidden my sister Jane?

No wonder she didn't invite me over.

What's your name?

- My name is Lily. - What's with the accent?

It's not an accent, it's the dentures I inherited from my polish grandmother.

I want to know where Jane is, she's been missing since Friday!

That's awful, I'm very worried. We had reservations at the Macaco.

What are you doing for dinner tonight?

Tell me where you stashed Jane or I call the cops!

No need to do that.

My name is Martin Balsam.

I'm a private eye.

- Well come in. - No, no.

I never enter a house without a search warrant.

Can you show me your ID?

You know you look better in pictures?

You should see me in a bikini.

What brings you here?

Well I was tailing this young lady and I'm looking for your sister, too.

I was hired by your sister's boss Mr. Laurel.

Your sister took off with $400,000.

Four... 400,000?

She shouldn't have done that. I'll go find it. Her.

- Jane! - Let him go.

Let him go, he's very much in love.

- With your sister? - No, with money.

Whenever he comes to see her he puts in for travel expenses.

Well, as soon as I get a lead, I'll let you know.

Thank you, inspector!

He'll break the case.

He'll break his nose.

Oh my God, it's an earthquake!

It's the big one.

Got a problem ma'am?

Yes, Officer.

The tar on my gums is really unsightly.

May I see your driver's license, please?

Oops.

I'm sorry that's my boyfriend Jo's.

Oh!

Can I have Jo's phone number?

No!

Excuse me. Sorry, Charlene. Our fault!

Finally destiny was about to bring Jane and me together.

Good evening.

Welcome to the Cemetery Motel.

Cemetery is a strange name for a Motel.

This is not a motel called the Cemetery, this is a cemetery called the Motel.

In fact, my name is Antonio Motel.

Believe me, here one really rests in peace.

The police were hot on her trail, but at night the Gods were with her.

What can't I do for you?

That storm is awful.

The storms around here are really treacherous.

They sneak up on you and stab you in the back.

Cut right through to the bone!

Listen...

Blow after blow after blow!

I'd like a room please.

Striking, slicing, cutting, hacking, lopping!

Right away ma'am.

I have one all made up.

It's the off season.

During the season we are closed.

Pick a key, any key.

They are all the same.

Ugh, what rotten luck.

I just hate the number 13.

I'll take you there.

Right this way.

Here we are, signorina.

Goodnight, Mr. Motel.

Buona notte.

By the way, where are you from?

You have a very strange accent.

I'm originally Italian.

Oh, I love Italy.

All your beautiful cities.

Paris, London, Munich.

What a beautiful, beautiful country.

I don't remember your name.

You know, nobody ever comes here.

It's hard to remember them all.

- Jane. - Ah, Jane.

Like my cousin Maria.

Ah Jane, if you need anything just knock on the wall.

I don't answer.

I almost forgot.

I'd like you to have a dinner with me later.

There is an Italian restaurant quite close which does terrific Italian food.

Let's go.

I'm sorry, it's closed.

Well, see what you can do.

I can never get to sleep unless I get something into my tummy.

She's going to come to a bad end.

How many times have I told you?

No women in the house!

You must have straw in your head!

Stupido!

Mama, why are you talking?

You haven't appeared yet in the movie.

Please, read the script and shut up.

Mr. Motel, I hope I haven't caused a problem by being here.

No, no problem.

I remember that you love Italian food.

Do you like spaghetti?

Yes, terrific.

I'm sorry, I prepared tacos.

Buona notte.

Hello, who's speaking?

This is your Commander, Jo.

Get over to Hellraiser Park on the double.

The psycho killer has struck again.

I'm on my way boss.

Even in the middle of the night Jo was ready for action.

He got rid of his five o'clock shadow for a 10 o'clock shadow.

Hey Tony, tie that yellow ribbon around the old oak tree.

What's this thing for anyway?

Catch flies.

Ah.

Oh, crazed murderer, psycho killer, all over the place.

I'm sorry boss, I couldn't understand you with your cigar in your mouth there.

Oh crazy, murder, psycho killer.

I know, he must've been dead for weeks.

I can smell that stink all the way out here.

What stink?

The decomposition.

Oh no, no, no, no, no.

That's not him, it's me.

It's me, it's my breath.

I don't think I completely digested those frozen pigeon patties after breakfast.

Fried pork lard sauce, almonds, prunes, cilantro.

- Sergeant! - Yeah Chief.

- Has forensics come up with anything? - Yeah, yeah, go on in!

You see, Jo, Sergeant here is a prime example of loyalty to the force.

Always on the job even though he's feeling a little under the weather.

I got to hand it to you.

Did you find.

Did you...

You find anything? Any prints?

Just one.

Over there.

- Did you find anything else interesting? - Yes, this.

What do you think?

I've already read it.

You sure there's only one victim?

There's enough stuff here for twins.

Pavarotti.

Yes, it was Pavarotti who had eaten a cow and farted himself to pieces.

This is an "indecent Proposal."

Yeah, let's go, you guys.

I thought you said this was a bridal shower?

I told you we should've done this in pose.

Have a nice breast.

Peek-a-boo!

I didn't even get a chance to...

She's dead.

She's not dead.

Hasta la baby vista.

Hasta la, hasta la...

The next morning, the FBI had a hot suspect.

Ma'am, we've heard quite enough.

This is a free country. You can't arrest me.

I know my rights.

Ma'am, smoking a cigar in a non-smoking restaurant is a federal offense.

My husband will hear about this.

You'll pay for this!

Can't pay much more than we're paying already lady.

This is an injustice!

It's not fair!

In conclusion, I'd like to say we're going to nail this...

...psycho killer it's going to have to take teamwork.

Your teamwork.

'Cause you're the best.

You're the best of the best.

You're the best of the best of the bunch.

Jo, Mayor's on the phone!

Sorry, Mr. Mayor.

He wants to know what's happening with the psycho killer case!

I told him not to worry, Jo's handling it!

So in case there's any fuck up, it's your ass.

Yes sir, my kickback check's in the mail. Oh, Jo, here.

There's actually no problem, the mayor's a sweetheart.

Good evening, Mr. Mayor.

Jo, listen to me.

Oh that's very interesting sir, really, but I no longer...

The Governor's on my ass.

I'd be demoted.

I can't handle it, Jo.

First I was President, then Mayor.

If you fail, I could end up being a proctologist!

Jo, I'm no crook, I'm no crook.

I'm no crook... I'm no crook, Jo!

- Listen to me! - Thank you.

Thank you very much, Mayor, you've been a real big help.

Okay, where'd I put my weapon?

There it is, of course.

Stop it!

Stop it!

Jo had no time to lose.

With every passing day the money was slipping through his hands.

$400-

400 grand.

Sorry.

Somebody stop her!

Dr. Animal?

I have crossed oceans of time to find you.

I know, I know my part is crooked.

I can't use a mirror.

Don't move, Miss.

You are a young woman...

You're black, a newspaper reporter from Des Moines.

No, no, no, Flint.

Flint, Michigan.

Sorry, no cigar.

I've been cooped up in this place for eight years.

Of all the things I've lost, I think I miss my mind the most.

I was hoping for something with a view.

I miss a brain.

Brains were my specialty you know.

Brains with...

How about with fava beans?

If I had fava beans, I'd be free.

I'd blow that back wall right out!

A woman has disappeared...

...and I fear that she's fallen into the hands of the psycho killer.

So.

So, do you know where he is?

Make it interesting for me.

I get to ask you three questions.

And don't lie, 'cause I'll know.

Do you?

Never touch it, never will.

First question.

What are you most frightened of, Claresse?

Anchovies.

Good answer.

Now, describe your most dirty, decadent, disgusting, dangerous,

defective, decorative, defoliated, decotaged, deformed, dry dream.

Ham.

Was the ham...

...silent?

Ham can be very quiet, very quiet.

Unless the ham is falling down stairs, then

it goes boom Dee boom da bum bum boom boom.

Celery is very loud.

Apples louder.

Unless you have applesauce, which goes very well with ham.

Doesn't it, Claresse?

Please no more questions.

- Now they've got to help me. - Enough about me.

Jane has disappeared with 400 grand and that dickhead detective is chasing her.

I've got to get to her first.

With only half that money...

...we could be partners and start Dr. Animal's Pizza Place.

Just think of it.

Iggy-boo.

Iggy-boo? What is that?

- My happy noise. - Oh.

All right, you win.

Psycho killer was a portion... Patron... Patient of mine.

He suffered from schizophrenia. Don't you understand?

The killer's real name is Antonio and he hates his Mother.

Why?

Maybe because she's a pain in the ass.

Did you ever think of that?

So where is Antonio?

Very near, and he'll be even nearer when I get to see Dr. Animal's Pizza Place.

All right, it's been nice talking to you.

Time to rest.

My brain is hurting.

Nighty, night!

Allez hop!

Iggy-boo!

Ooh, I wish I had a marshmallow.

His hang time is longer than Jordan's.

In his search for Jane, Detective Balsam checked out every classy motel in town.

Including the Jack the Ripper Motor Inn.

- Here you go. - Thank you, sir.

Okay, have a party with that.

Take me to a nice hospital please.

That motel can really stick it to you.

That's a pun.

The next morning I was handling my business

when Detective Balsam came into my life.

After checking 642 different motels...

...clever Balsam went down the wrong street and found the right one.

He pulled up in a rented car that had every new option.

Including frequent flyer mileage.

Have you seen her? Her name is Jane Wine.

I have never seen her.

You're absolutely sure?

100% scout's honor.

You don't believe me?

Do you want to check the register?

No, I wouldn't dream of it.

He doesn't find her, he doesn't find her.

He found her.

I think you better come clean.

I recognize the anagram of her signature.

Now, when did she arrive?

She was here Sunday, but she checked out the next morning.

Ah, Tuesday.

Then you were here?

Yes, I were here.

I was here.

You too? If so, why are you asking me?

Move on. What happened?

It was raining and she was starving, so I whipped up some sharper knife.

Some sandwich.

After she ate she wasn't hungry anymore...

...then she went right off to the bed in the swamp.

In the suite.

And she told me she had a long drive the next morning.

That is the trout.

The trout?

Yes, I'm not a liar.

I tell you the trout.

The truth, I want the truth.

It's not a problem, okay.

Here it is.

The truth.

And so now I have to make the beds.

I told you all I know.

What are you doing, Mr. Motel?

I told you, making the bed.

I make them every morning.

Running a motel is a killing job.

I saw somebody at the window in that house.

Is anybody living there?

No. I mean yes, my Mother.

She's retired.

I'll be seeing you.

I won't be seeing you!

- Goodbye. - Goodbye.

Goodbye.

Goodbye.

Goodbye.

Goodbye.

Goodbye.

Goodbye!

- Goodbye! - Goodbye!

- Goodbye! - Goodbye!

- Goodbye! - Goodbye!

Goodbye!

What a jerk. He left without saying goodbye.

Hello.

Jane slept at the Cemetery Motel.

Oh my God.

Your sister had a cabin, number 13.

Talking about jinxes!

Oh come on, Lily, don't be so superstitious.

13, that's a lot of hogwash.

But anyway, I'm not satisfied yet.

This guy has an ambulant mother whom I believe saw Jane and whether Antonio...

...Motel likes it or not, I'm going back to Motel's motel and question her.

It's your ass, that's what you're paid for.

Alone in a private plane, Agent Jo finally decides...

Oh no, wait, wait.

No, forget it, I'm sorry.

This scene was cut.

I feel I've done this before.

Surprise!

- Again? - Yes.

And now the stairs!

The stairs, no!

Jo had to promise Dr. Animal a pizza place and now he delivered.

Is Miss Fostar here yet?

Mister.

Call me Doctor, please.

Not yet, Dr. Please.

He should be here soon.

Because he was late Jo tried to beat out an oil truck for a parking space.

Hey, where you going?

You dented my freaking fender!

I'll be back.

- Fellas. - Howdy do.

- Dr. Enema. - Long time no see.

As you can see, I've kept up my end of the bargain...

...may this be the beginning of Dr. Animals pizza place.

Iggy-boo!

My brain is tingling!

- I'm glad. - Moi ici.

- What? - French, me too.

- The contract. - Right here.

- The license. - Right here.

All right, Miss Fostar, I have to ask you,

do you have the photos of the waitresses?

Yes, and the phone numbers.

Very foodie, this is great!

The cooks dental x-rays?

Bathroom faucets?

A spare tire from the cleaning woman's car.

The shoe sizes of everyone in the entire staff.

The maitre d's ball bearings.

They're smaller than I thought.

They're all set.

- I'm satisfied. - Good.

Now will you please tell me where the psycho killer is?

All right, all right.

After all, a view is a view.

Come to think of it, maybe I will have a piece of veal.

Where is the psycho killer!

The killer is near.

Just outside of town, right under your nose.

The Cemetery Motel.

Thank you, thank you, Doctor.

In all honesty, really, thank you. I couldn't have done without you.

No, I mean it. This man is amazing.

From the bottom of my heart.

And please, don't forget, I own 10% of this place.

Bye.

10%.

Less than my manager. I'm going to miss him.

Nosy snoop of a private eye.

Nobody will ever suspect you in your car under here.

Detective Balsam?

Detective Balsam!

Detective Balsam!

Mama Mia, the work never ends here.

Detective Balsam!

Detective Balsam!

Only way to stop a hog when it's rutting.

Jo went back to his place to clean up.

Boy, it must've been really rough.

You sweat like a hog in heat.

- Fuck you. He didn't come here? - He who?

Detective Balsam!

He wasn't at the motel?

No, nor was Jane.

And I couldn't find that manager, what's his name?

- Frank. - Yeah, Antonio.

And I couldn't enter the house because I didn't have a warrant.

She didn't answer the door, she just dumped a pail of water on my head.

Good thing she missed.

Yeah. I tell you it's weird, it's too weird.

Balsam calls, says he's got a hunch, right, then he disappears.

Poor Jane.

Who knows where she could be?

I bet she's in trouble.

I bet they've done things to her.

I bet they've tortured her.

I bet they swiped the money...

No! Not that!

Anything but that!

I tell you we'll find her all right, alive and in cash.

Who the fuck is calling me at this hour?

Boss, it's me. I need to get a...

Christ. Look, Jo...

Listen, Jane has really stuck her foot in it this time.

- She's at the motel outside of town. - Hey!

I'm about to stick my babascas into something a hell of a lot damper.

Hell of a lot warmer too. So I'll make this quick.

All right, I need a search warrant and fast.

Getting a search warrant will take too long.

And besides, this case is top secret!

Try the Ranger.

He's in charge of issuing motel licenses.

So he's got a good excuse for getting you in without arousing, arousing suspicion.

Jo, got to go.

Jo, don't you think it's a little late?

Absolutely not. The Ranger lives his job.

It's the one official you can call out at any hour.

Who the hell is that breaking my chops at this hour of the night!

I hope his tires blow out at 200 miles an hour on a curve!

I hope he turns coo-coo!

Honey, you're not going to believe this!

It's a mailman and a nun!

Ma'am, I've got to talk to the Ranger.

Oh, Jo, I recognized you right away.

Come on in. Come on.

You know, you get handsomer every day.

You can come in, too, Sister.

You mustn't stay out here all night in the cold. Okay?

The Ranger lived in a modest house with his wife, an ex-super model.

Very ex.

Greetings, everyone.

Welcome to my humble abode.

I must apologize for being a trifle underdressed...

...but I was sleeping when you drove up.

What's going down?

Ranger, I don't know where to start.

It all began with...

Thank you, smelly thing.

Anyway, I'm engaged to Miss Lily's sister.

It happens that...

Jo decides to explain everything to the Ranger...

...using the FBI's new secret technique, interpretive dance.

Get the picture?

Jo, if I understand you correctly, you're saying that...

Was that about it?

Yeah, except for one or two steps.

Jo, something here doesn't quite jive.

You said you saw a lady at that house who was supposed to be Antonio's mother.

Jo, Antonio's mother's been dead for 10 years.

But it doesn't make any sense.

Detective Balsam saw her.

He even went back to the hotel to question her.

Antonio's mother's dead!

Question is, who is that other woman!

Tell me what happened quick.

Well, you know how the boss is, he picked up...

Not that quick.

Well he picked up this little virgin on a ranch...

...and things must've gotten carried away.

You don't do certain things at his age.

Dr. Butcher to surgery.

Dr. Butcher to surgery.

Dr. Leaky to urology.

What the hell happened?

How could a night out do this to you?

Boy, you don't know what sex is.

She had my wheels spinning.

Spinning, I heard symphonies.

My only trouble and my only mistake, I asked her to get on top.

Listen, I was out at the Rangers and he said that there was...

I know! He called me, asked me something really weird.

If I knew your friend Lily's blood type.

He promised you'd go over the motel, take a look today.

All right, I'll go meet him.

Visiting hours are over.

Mr. Putrid must rest.

Stay out of trouble, boss.

Jo, the Ranger's at the bowling alley, just remembered.

And remember, lay off the women, huh.

Not bad.

Howdy, Ranger.

Howdy, Jo, what brings you down to these here parts?

Well, we want to know how the visit to the Cemetery Motel went.

Now, Jo, I know you're not the type of guy to hallucinate.

There was no lady at the Cemetery Motel, much less Antonio's mother.

Just Antonio himself!

He also confirmed, Miss Lily, that your sister...

...registered at the motel under a fake name.

When Detective Balsam found out where she was headed, he took off after her.

If the bitch tries to screw me out of my cash...

But Ranger, there's still something out of whack out here.

Yeah, I noticed that.

- What? - The heating.

The motel is as cold as a witch's tit.

Felt like a morgue.

Talking about morgues, why don't you have lunch with us.

I've fixed some nice cold frozen chicken.

Now that's a great idea.

Why don't you come on home with us?

Spend a nice evening with the family.

That way you can sign a formal complaint and...

...I can make out a search warrant for you.

And you can officially search the motel and erase all your doubts.

We'll be waiting for ya.

I forgot to tell ya.

Antonio's mother asked me to tell you to stop howling under her window at night.

Goodbye.

We can't afford to make any mistakes at the motel.

The least suspicious way I think is to be a man and wife asking for a room.

I don't know.

We ask for a room to be together, like we just wanted to stop off in this motel...

...to spend some time with each other, in a room, alone, to make love.

That's terrific.

I'd rather make it with anybody than you!

Hello, could you direct me to your ice machine please?

In the back, pal.

Thank you.

Five dollars.

Thanks.

Yeah, the ice machine is in my butt where I usually keep it.

Lily knew that $5 worth of gas would not get them very far.

So she tried arousing his generosity.

- What is this? - I'm sorry, I had to fill her up.

The tension was so thick and the music so pretentious...

...they knew they must be getting close.

There's nobody here.

Where the hell is this Antonio?

Jo, I just saw somebody peeking out the window up there.

- Hi! - Hi!

Hi.

Welcome to the Cemetery Motel.

I suppose you want a cabin?

Yes.

I don't like it. I don't like it.

I know he looks evil.

No, not him, the motel.

I much prefer the Hilton!

Please, step into the office.

Sorry.

Where do I bury these two?

There is no more room.

There you go, cabin 13.

Here we are.

Make yourself at tomb, at home.

I feel Jane was here.

I have a very strange premonition.

- I found the letter. - Where was it?

Right here, under the bed.

"Dear Lily, I was here.

Antonio's mother killed me.

Don't forget to pay the gas bill.

...and kisses, Jane."

No!

Why?

Come on, Lily. Lily, come on, pull yourself together.

Come on, everyone forgets to pay the gas bill.

Maybe that lady didn't kill her all right. Maybe it was a mistake.

If only it were.

That's right, maybe Antonio killed her.

No.

Or she could have got run over by a truck.

No!

And she could've got eaten by a cannibal on a California vacation.

I don't know, any one of these really.

Or there's always that possibility being torn to shreds by a harvester.

Then again, she could've fallen into a vat of sulfuric acid.

Really, it could've been any one of these things.

She could've been ravaged by a pack of wolves.

She could've been struck by lightning. Ow!

Or she could've been snorkeling in shark infested...

Ow!

Personally, I don't think anyone's ever died here.

My arm!

My arm!

I can't take this anymore! I've got to find out once and for all.

I have to know the truth about my sister.

Jo, you go and distract Antonio while I go see the lady and question her.

Come on now, that's too risky.

What that letter said was true, and you want to be alone with that old lady?

Forget it. We FBI agents, we specialize in taking dangerous action.

No, I think it's better if I go distract Antonio and you talk to the old lady.

Sorry, I'm a little sick.

You know, my grandfather died from a sneeze.

What, he fell ill and died?

No, he just fell from a skyscraper scaffold.

Lost balance.

Why have you come here?

My wife wants to take a nap.

I'm not sleepy and I felt like chatting.

You know, just to kill time.

Just to kill time.

Please, come on in.

If there is anything to kill, I'm always available.

Know what, guess I'm doing all the talking.

I suppose living like this could make a person jump at the chance to talk.

You're right, you're right.

I love to talk to everyone at the motel.

Is it my fault that when I'm through I realize there is no one there?

Shit.

Antonio, living like this could drive a man crazy.

What are you trying to say, eh?

Are you insinuating that, that I might be crazy?

Go on! Go on if you think I'm crazy!

Say it, go ahead!

I'm just saying that if someone like you had a chance to lay his hands on...

...400 grand from some defenseless girl, he most certainly would go off his nut!

I mean he'd do anything!

Antonio, for 400 grand, a man would kill!

I'll murder ya!

You ugly, evil, praying mantis!

I'll never tell you!

This morning now... is mine, Big Jim!

You're not going to talk, huh, my fine feathered friend!

Well I bet your old Mom will!

Mommy?

Poor asshole!

Where did the girl go? Where did the...

Termites.

Mrs. Motel?

Mrs. Motel.

Oh, Antonio!

Let me go!

Let me go!

Okay, I stay.

If this poor man is Antonio, who is he?

It's a little trick used by Dr. Animal's patients.

It's Antonio's mother!

All right, I'm Antonio's mother!

Mama Mia!

But I am better known for fiscal reasons as the psycho killer!

But my exotic achievements have far outshone my mentor Dr. Animal.

He was a degenerated pervert.

And then Antonio, he really pissed me off!

Where's our money or it's off to the hay lot!

It's buried in the swamp with Jane's body.

It's not true!

Jane is still alive!

Jane!

Thought you'd killed me, didn't ya?

You old bag!

First stabbing me and then sinking me in my car!

Well, good thing it was a lemon.

Lemons float.

Lily, I'm alive!

Hold on, Jane!

I'm not Lily.

I am...

Detective Balsam.

If you're alive, who did I stab, stab, stab to death?

Robocrap.

The Japanese version of Robocop.

Darling, I've still got the 400 grand.

Come on, let's split.

Just one second, Jane.

I'm not Jo, I'm...

I'm Mr. Laurel!

Return what you stole.

Hold it! Let her go!

The Ranger!

He's not really the Ranger.

I'm Olaf, and those mega-bucks are mine.

Oh no they're not, they're mine.

You bought that estate for $400,000.

Estate?

This is what you call an estate?

This is the Addams house.

What?

You sold my house?

You rotten swindler!

How could you sell a house for $400,000 without even asking the owner?

Okay, then I guess I'll just take my money back.

Well, no, no, no, that's mine.

- You let go! - The hell you say, you fraud!

That's mine, I'll call the cop!

No need, I'm already here.

Listen here, Officer.

Yes, I'm the Officer, but not the Officer you think.

I'm...

The Ranger.

The Ranger?

My brother?

I'm your beloved brother.

Beloved my ass.

You were the one who first took Antonio out to play in the hay.

If it hadn't been for me, he never would have gotten out of the house.

Just because out of love for his dead daddy, he poisoned your lover.

"Dallas" was never like this.

I don't want to be involved in no family squabbles.

I'm leaving, with my money.

Hold on, G.

Antonio?

No, not Antonio. I'm Jo.

Hi, the money is yours, but it's partly due to me...

...that you got it back, so you owe me a 40% finder's fee.

Fair is fair.

Jo, now we have the money.

We can finally get back together again.

Oh, I can't wait.

You luscious piece of backstabbing,

two-timing, I'll fuck anything that walks...

...vertebrate or invertebrate creme brulee souffle.

But please no more fooling around on the side, huh?

No, it'll never happen again, I swear.

Cross my heart and hope to die.

He's not the mummy, come on!

Six to one, six to one! Place your bets!

Ciao, everybody!

I'm the real Antonio and I'm alive.

My son is alive?

Who the fuck did I kill?

Antonio's alive!

Yes, the band played.

The parade began.

The people cheered.

Why, you may ask?

Because they stopped taking off all those got damn masks.

Your honor, I've got the entire situation completely under my control.

I don't need reinforcements.

Like always, Mr. Mayor, I did the whole thing single-handed.

Now, don't you forget that when my promotion time rolls around.

Oh, excuse me. What? Oh, we love you Pete Putrid!

You're the best, you're wonderful, you're fabulous, you're marvelous!

We love you, you're a God! Oh thank you, thank you so much! You're too kind.

I got to take a shower because I smell like

Kevin Costner after "Dances with Wolves."

See you later.

And so this is my story.

Which brings us to the moment of my demise.

Alfred!

So it was the spirit of Alfred Hitchcock who killed me.

I guess he did not like me fucking up his movie.

Or was it Hitchcock?

I am Dr. Animal Cannibal Pizza!

Iggy-boo!

Iggy-boo!

Iggy-boo!

Hi there!

Funny face.

Iggy-boo!