Original subtitles

Downloaded from YTS.MX

(upbeat funk music)

Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX

♪ I know you're pretty hip girl ♪

♪A hit in the night ♪

♪ So pretty and tight ♪

♪ You're alright ♪

♪ But can you make it in Hollywood ♪

♪ There's a lot of women who thought they could ♪

♪ You see 'em standing on the boulevard ♪

♪And baby it's hard ♪

♪ You done New York and London ♪

♪ The talk of the town ♪

♪ The angel has found a new home ♪

♪ But can you make it in Hollywood ♪

♪ There's a lot of women who thought they could ♪

♪ You see 'em standing on the boulevard ♪

♪And baby it's hard ♪

♪ Waiting on the corner by the J.S. dock ♪

♪ Hoping for the glimpse of a girl ♪

♪ They see the line stretching half around the block ♪

♪ Take a number ♪

♪ Wait your turn ♪

- Morning, Mr. Warkoff

(upbeat funk music)

- Oh, my!

Okay, thanks.

Mr. Warkoff is coming!

(upbeat funk music)

- Mr. Warkoff is coming!

Mr. Warkoff is coming!

Mr. Warkoff!

(upbeat funk music)

Mr. Warkoff is coming!

Mr. Warkoff is coming.

Hey, excuse me.

Mr. Warkoff is coming.

Mr. Warkoff is coming.

Hey, dad, I thought you'd want to know

grandpa is on his way in.

- Well of course I want to know!

Does Lamely know he's here?

- Yeah, I told him.

- Schmuck!

I told you never to tell him anything!

Whose son are you, anyway?

- Is that multiple choice?

(upbeat funk music)

- Ah, there you are, Teresa.

- Oh, good morning, Mr. Lamely.

- Where's the guest list for the testimonial?

- Oh, I'll bring it right in.

- Please, right away.

(upbeat funk music)

- I can hear him coming.

- Here he comes. (breathing heavily)

(grand music)

- Morning, Mr. Warkoff.

- You're looking great, W.B.

- Good to see you, grandpa.

(grand music)

- So, what's the story?

- We're all ready to shoot the motorcycle vampire show

just as soon as you say the word, Mr. Warkoff.

- If you don't mind, sir, I'd like you to take a look

at the guest list for your testimonial banquet.

- Is that it?

This isn't what I came to hear.

You dummies!

I'm in the movie business!

I'm not a caterer!

Cigar!

You talk to me about the quarterly reports,

I'll tell you if you don't know.

They stink!

I want to hear about blockbuster grosses!

Everybody's making money but me!

Would you hurry up with that cigar?

Calms me down here.

Mm, Castro!

What I want is a buffo, socko, kiss my grosses movie!

Give them the book.

Do you know this book?

- The Happy Hooker?

- Sounds right up your alley, Rottman.

- This is a great book.

Millions of people love this book.

I want this book to be a blockbuster movie!

You hear me?

I want it to be bigger than The Sound of Music.

- Oh, it's gonna be a musical?

- Oh, shut up, you dummy.

If you want to keep on being my son-in-law,

you get me this book, you get me this girl!

This writer-hooker, what's her name?

- Xaviera Hollander.

- Hey, smart boy.

Takes after his mother.

He's going places.

You two, what are you?

Big shot producers?

I'm sure that even you are aware that I can't live forever.

I want you to prove to me that one of you

has enough balls to runt his place.

And how do you do that?

You wine her, you dine her.

I don't care if you have to kiss you tookus.

You get me the rights to this book!

So what are you waiting for?

A bus?

Get me Xaveria Hollander!

(sensual jazz music)

- The boys downtown were right, Xaviera.

You are the best.

- Do they really say that?

- Oh yeah, and more.

But of course, they're very respectful.

- Of course.

It's always a pleasure to serve New York's finest.

- Ah.

I only wish there were some way I could let you keep that.

But you see, it's from the evidence locker room.

It's got to go back.

- You sweet little boy in blue.

Just consider this my contribution

to the policeman's board.

Now, you better run along and catch some...

bad men.

- Right.

I'll probably never see you again.

Your name doesn't get to the top of the list again

until some time in 1993.

So thanks.

- [Receptionist] Yes, Xaviera?

- Maxine, darling, please tell Laurie

and Susie I'd like to see them.

- [Maxine] Will do.

Also, lawyer George is here.

He says it's urgent.

- [Xaviera] Ask him to wait in my office.

I'll be right down.

- Xaviera says you're very good.

- Oh, does she really?

- I suppose it must be very hard.

- I am?

- Oh, yes.

- Yeah.

Yeah, I suppose it is. (chuckling)

- Oh, don't bother getting up, George.

Max, would you ask Sylvia if she would model

that new outfit for George.

We'll let a man decide.

- Xaviera, you look wonderful.

- Thank you, darling.

Laurie, you've been working on that piece forever.

- I know.

There never seems to be enough time.

- What is it?

- Position 23 from the Kama Sutra.

It's my favorite book.

After yours, Xaviera.

- That's what I came to tell you!

Your book, they want your book.

That want to make it into a movie.

Hollywood wants your book.

- Hollywood?

- I got a call from a Joseph E. Rottman.

Now, I did some research, and this Rottman is a producer

for Warkoff Brothers Studio.

- W.B. Waroff?

- The same.

And Rottman wants to know if you're available

to go to LA and talk it over.

- What did you tell him?

- Nothing.

I told him I'd discuss it with you first,

and then we'd let him now.

- Oh, good.

Sylvie, darling, you look absolutely divine!

Come, show George.

She's been trying her hand at fashion design.

Would you believe she's entirely self-taught?

- She made this unbelievable dress for me, George.

You'll have to come upstairs sometime

and see it off me.

- Oh yes.

- Max, guess whose going to Hollywood.

- Yes, they're gonna make Xaviera's book into a movie.

- I haven't said yes yet, Susie.

- Yeah, but you will when you hear about the money.

- How much are they going to pay?

- Film rights to a best seller

could go for as much as three million.

- And it's legal?

Holy shit!

- Be careful, Xaviera.

Those Hollywood characters can be awfully slick.

- Oh, Max, why are you so negative?

Warkoff Brothers Studio wants to make her book into a movie,

and I think it's absolutely wonderful.

Really I do!

- So do I, but Max has a point.

That's why I've decided

to take their offer and go to Los Angeles.

- Great!

If they’re going to make a film about me,

I want to make sure they do it right.

- Yeah, you tell 'em, honey!

(dynamic music)

- [Intercom] Passengers from TWA flight number seven

from New York have now arrived at gate 35.

- Pardon me.

Excuse me, I'm sorry.

Pardon me, pardon me.

Oh, God.

Uh, uh, um, miss, uh, uh.

Excuse me, I'm sorry.

Miss, uh, miss.

I'm sorry, excuse me.

Miss Hollander.

Excuse me.

Miss Hollander.

- What's your name?

- Chuck.

Thank you, Miss Hollander.

- My pleasure.

- Pardon me.

Excuse me, excuse me.

Miss Hollander.

- Yes?

Of course.

I'm sorry.

Do you have a pen?

- Oh.

- Thank you.

What's your name?

- Robbie.

Robert Rottman.

- Rott--

You're not!

(chuckling)

- No, no, please, sign it.

- Aren't you rather young to be a producer?

I expected someone with a pot belly.

- Oh, that's my father, Joseph.

He's very sorry he couldn't make it.

I hope your not insulted or anything.

- Oh, not at all.

His stand-in is charming.

- Why don't we go and have a drink

and let the chauffeur come and get the luggage.

- If your father is half as persuasive as you are,

I may be in a lot of trouble.

Lead on.

- [Intercom] Passengers from TWA

flight number seven from New York...

(cheerful music)

- [Photographer] Yes, yes, I like that very much!

Oh, you're marvelous!

Oh, yeah, Mr. Rottman, please.

Over here please.

Thank you, thank you.

One more, Miss Hollander.

- Must fly, boys.

One more.

Ow!

Well, you're certainly a nice piece of work.

- Well thank you, Miss Hollander.

Mr. Rottman asked me to make sure

that all your needs were taken care of.

My name is--

- Oh, no, please don't tell me.

It might be more fun that way.

(bright music)

(shouting in a foreign language)

- [Announcer] And now, from Hollywood,

it's The Rita Beater Show.

- Is she on yet?

- Sit down!

Be quiet!

It's just getting started.

Hey, hey, get out of the way, kid.

I can't see!

- [Announcer] Author of the best-seller, The Happy Hooker.

And now, here's Rita!

(applause)

- So, tell me, Cinderella--

- It's not Cinderella, it's Xaviera.

- If you prefer, I wasn't aware

that you could pronounce it both ways.

- You can't.

- In any case, I'm sure our viewers would like to know

what vitamins you took to recover so quickly

from that massive plastic surgery.

(laughter)

- I'm sorry, I really don't know what you're talking about.

- This is the Rita Beater Show.

We let it all hang out.

So please, Zarana Rolla, please don't be inhibited.

- I never do, and it's Xaviera.

Would you like to ask me about my book?

- Oh, you write too?

- Yes.

It's called The Happy Hooker,

and I'm proud to say it's doing very well.

- Oh, wonderful.

Well I'm sure that'll help to pay

for having your eyes, thighs, and breasts done.

Oh, but tell me, darling,

the question that must be on everyone's mind,

have you slept with anyone interesting

since coming to Hollywood?

- You mean...

besides you?

(applause)

- This title, The Happy Hooker,

is it really about you know what?

To tell the truth, I thought it was about making rugs.

- This is not gonna be easy.

- I like her style.

What do you think, W.B.?

- I think women should be felt and not heard.

(snaps finger) (giggling)

(casual music)

- Yes, Miss Hollander?

- Tell me, is this Rita Beater always so charming?

- Always.

The studio put you on her show

to see how tough you are under pressure.

- Did I pass their little test?

- Oh, with flying colors, ma'am.

- What would your employers think

about your giving away their secrets?

- I don't care.

A lady like you should be treated with respect.

- Charming.

Disloyalty like yours should be rewarded.

Would you like some champagne?

- Well, thanks.

But not while I'm driving, ma'am.

- Them you'd better pull over.

A lady like me should never drink alone.

(upbeat music)

- [Driver] Oh!

(car frame squeaking)

- You see, this movie could be big.

I don't think you realize how big this movie could be.

- Oh, but I think I do.

My publisher says that the book

will be on the best-seller list forever.

- Books, schmooks.

Do you know anybody who reads books?

Books are made for coffee tables or for something to look at

while you're sitting on the toilet.

But movies, movies are made for the world!

And that takes vision.

And I have that vision.

Mr. Warkoff has that vision.

Great man, Mr. Warkoff.

- I'm sure he is.

- Believe me, W.B. has his finger

on the pulse of the world.

Did you hear that?

Not the nation, the world!

- It must be very stimulating for a man of his age.

- Xaviera.

- Joseph.

- Look at that wall.

What do you see?

- Nothing.

A wall.

- Of course you see a wall.

But I see movies!

That's why I'm a producer and you're a pros--

What you are.

- Don't be embarrassed, Joseph.

As it says on the book, I'm a hooker, and a very good one.

- Proud.

I like that.

Very proud.

- I do my best.

- Where was I?

- You were talking to the wall.

- Oh.

I look at the wall, and I see you

as a little child in your native Sweden.

- [Xaviera] Holland.

- [Joseph] Whatever.

(sentimental music)

I see you in your teenage years, orphaned and poor,

unable to pay your boarding school tuition,

alone in a world too cruel for you

and your innocence to understand.

Your teachers take advantage of you,

forcing you into a life of sin and depravity.

- Whatever makes you say that?

- What?

Oh, I saw it on the wall.

- But it's not in my book.

No such thing every happened.

- But it could have happened.

That's what I mean by vision.

Imagination.

We have to build up the audience's sympathy.

- After you, Denis.

- Thank you, Mr. Lamely.

Bonjourno.

- [Joseph] Oh, Denis, set up right over there.

It'll be fine.

(romantic music)

Oh, Lamely, I want you to see this stuff.

Here, let me give you a hand.

- [Denis] Thank you, Joseph.

- This is very important.

- Yes.

- Really sell!

- [Denis] Yes, I know.

- You are fantastic.

- Denis here did all the sets

for my last film, The Leather Boys of Venus.

Went to art school and everything.

Show us what you got, Denis.

- Yeah, Denis, show us what you got.

- Well, so far I've been concentrating on the layouts.

Tacky phrase, I know.

For Miss Hollander's New York brothel

as it will be seen in the film.

I see it as an East Side brownstone.

These large windows here at street level

will serve as showcases for the girls to display

their wares, and lure the tricks in off the street.

- They do that a lot in New York City?

- Inside, we'll have many rooms,

all designed to satisfy the varied tastes

of Xaviera's clientele.

And now... (chuckling)

Mwah!

The private torture chamber, for the S&M sequence.

The walls are all done in black vinyl.

The manacles and leg irons are chromium.

It's all very butch.

- Brilliant, Denis!

- Thank you.

- Why, you can almost feel the whips.

What do you think, Lamely?

- Unbelievable.

- I took the liberty of having the prop department

work up this little baby.

(whip cracking) (laughing)

I thought the color would sing out against the black vinyl

and add sort of a feminine touch.

- May I hold that?

- All of this creativity makes me rather hungry.

Would you care to join me?

We could start with lunch.

- And after lunch?

- Let your appetite be your guide.

- I'd love to.

- Where are you going with her, Lamely?

We haven't finished taking our meeting!

- Joseph, darling, it's all too much

for me to deal with on an empty stomach.

Chow.

- You really should do something about that wall, Joseph.

Very dull.

- Mr. Rottman--

- Oh, shut up, you faggot!

- Mary!

(soft violin music)

- Thank you, Emil.

- Thank you, Mr. Lamely.

I think we've exhausted the subject of Joseph Rottman.

In a town filled with stupid people,

let's just say that he's the most boorish

and most tasteless.

- You dismiss people easily.

- Rottman's easy to dismiss.

- What do you want?

- I want to make the film of your book.

I want to make love to you.

(chuckles)

- In that order?

- Let's get out of here.

- This is California.

Let's do something wonderful in the sun.

(sensual music)

(breathing heavily)

(upbeat dance music)

(laughing)

- You know, I'm glad I could get you guys together tonight.

Marian and Miles are probably the most talented

screenwriting team in this town.

- Let me say this right up front, Xaviera.

Marian and I both read your book and

we were very excited about the possibilities for filming.

- What amazed me was that your johns are so young.

- Excuse me, Marian, but...

in the book Xaviera calls them customers.

- Sorry.

- Could I freshen your drinks?

Marian, Miles?

- No, we're fine.

- Xaviera?

- Hurry back.

(upbeat dance music)

- Hmm.

I don't understand you, darling.

Why don't you just sign the bitch,

giver her her money, and send her back to New York?

- It's not that easy, Chris.

- Maybe you're beginning to like your little Dutch tart.

- Don't do a jealous number on me.

If you want that part, you just let me handle it my way.

- Why don't you let me handle you my way?

- Chris, please.

Baby, not now, not now.

Not now!

- What?

You think your such a big man, taking freebies from a whore?

- That's really ugly, Chris.

- Well you're not so cute yourself.

- I must confess, Xaviera, that I've always bought that myth

about madams being old, rundown prostitutes,

but here you are, and you're very beautiful.

- Why, thank you, Miles.

- Oh, I think so too.

- You know, you should both come to New York

and see the operation for yourselves.

- [Miles] Sounds delightful.

- I'll bet it does.

- Oh, don't worry, Marian.

I think we can take care of both of you.

(upbeat dance music)

Hello, there!

Where have you been?

- Oh, Jack McMartin trapped me

into talking about some crazy deal.

What could I do?

- Why do you waste your time with that jerk?

- There's no percentage in being rude, Miles.

How are you getting along?

- Very well, I think.

- Yes?

- Well, if Marian and Miles will write the screenplay,

you've just bought yourself a book.

- That's wonderful.

- Mm, we haven't talked money yet.

- Oh, let's not haggle, darling.

I'm sure you can afford me.

Let's dance.

- Yowza!

(upbeat dance music)

(romantic music)

Ah, Xaviera.

You're fantastic.

Fantastic!

(uneasy music)

- [Recording Of Lamely] Ah, Xaviera.

You're fantastic.

Fantastic!

Ah.

Xaviera.

- Is this your idea of a joke?

- I think it's rather amusing.

Xaviera, you're fantastic.

Yes, yes, you're so fantastic.

Now you have a record of your conquest.

- Why the hell did you do this?

- Call it actor's research.

If I'm going to play that pig,

I ought to know what kinds of grunts

she makes when she's in heat.

- [Lamely] You're gonna blow the whole deal.

You know that?

I still don't have her name on a contract!

- Lionel Lamely, the great seducer.

Well you didn't have to go to sleep with

that whore for any deal!

- [Lamely] Would you keep your voice down?

- [Chris] You just want to put another notch

right on your belt.

Well let her hear me!

If she does, it's all right!

She knows what she is! - Don't be stupid!

Look, I'm doing this for you.

You haven't worked in a year and a half.

So if you're smart,

you'll just get out of here before she wakes up.

- Don't start believing your own bullshit.

You're doing this for you.

- Sure I am.

Old man Warkoff wants that property so bad

he'd sell his soul.

And until he gets it, I'm gonna do whatever I have to

to be his good little boy.

I'm gonna make this film.

And I'm gonna run that studio.

Okay?

Good morning, darling.

You sleep well?

- I just woke up.

Good, we have company.

- Do we?

- Mm-hm.

Chris is a neighbor, and actress and

I've known her for a long time.

- How nice.

- She's been dying to meet you.

I told her I couldn't wake you.

- Well now that you've met me you won't die, will you?

- No.

- Of course not.

But she's gonna have to leave.

- Oh, but she doesn't.

Instead, have breakfast won't you?

- Thank you.

I think I will.

- Darling, and now that we have only two grapefruit,

I think you should have mine.

(saxophone wailing)

Remember that movie, Lamely?

Here's a new twist for you.

(saxophone wailing)

(pitiful music)

And you can take your deal and shove it!

- Hello, Miss Holl--

Goodbye, Miss Hollander.

- Xaviera!

What do you want?

- From you, Mr. Lamely, nothing.

(determined music)

- Can I give you a lift?

Excuse me, Miss Hollander, but I have something here

I'd like very much for you to read.

- Beat it!

- Oh, maybe some other time.

You may remember our last meeting 20 feet ago.

I told you I had something I'd like to show you.

I still have it.

- What is it?

What do you want?

- I've written a film treatment of your book.

I'd like you to read it.

- I have tolerated your father's kinky fantasies.

I have listened while he painted

his little pictures on the wall.

I have been lied to, wined, dined, and seduced by a bastard.

Me, imagine, conned right out of my pants.

I have had it, understand?

Had it!

- I understand, you've had it.

- Well, what about the film? (chuckling)

- What about it?

I don't care!

I'm going back to New York!

- Oh, really?

On foot?

It's on awful long way.

(laughing)

Come on.

(casual music)

- This is good, Robbie.

This is very good.

- I'm glad you like it.

I really believe in the things you were saying in your book.

- I can see that.

You know your father or Lamely

never bothered to read my book?

- You're probably right.

So what do you say?

- What can I say?

Robbie, you're a nice guy

and a like your ideas for the film,

but I wouldn't go near Warkoff Brothers Studios

for love or money.

What am I saying?

- Forget Warkoff, forget all of them.

- I will, but who's gonna make the movie?

- We will.

(dynamic music)

- I told you to buy a book, a simple thing!

All you did was spend a lot of money

and make me look like a jerk!

- But Mr. War-- - Shut up, dummy!

Your son, he's a traitor!

He's helping that hooker, I tell you.

If I don't make this movie, nobody does.

Find out where the money's coming from, and stop it.

Did you hear me good?

Stop that movie!

Verboten!

Nisht!

Nein!

- Come on, Shakespeare, rise and shine.

Your typewriter awaits.

- Mm. - Mm?

- As the music swells, her delicate fingers

massage oil into his chest.

(laughing)

- I made some notes.

- Hm?

- Some notes.

- She made some notes.

- Uh-huh.

(soft music)

(cheerful music)

(laughing)

(laughing)

(soft music)

- Yeah, yup, yup.

All right.

- Well?

- It's the last bank on the list.

They never heard of her.

- Well if she isn't getting money from the banks...

- And she isn't dealing with any other studio...

- [Together] Where's she getting the money?

(upbeat dance music)

- Hey!

Hey, wait for me!

- Hello?

Pleasure Productions.

Let me switch you to the production department.

- Hello?

Pleasure Productions.

Yes, sir.

Oh, I'm sorry, Laurie's busy at that time,

but I can make an appointment with Amber for you.

- [Max] Xaviera wants to see you.

- [Robbie] Xaviera?

- Hollander.

- Hollander.

- Oh, I beg your pardon.

- May I help you, sir?

- Uh, a friend of mine gave me this address,

but I'm not really sure if I'm in the right place.

- What exactly did you want?

- I, uh...

made a reservation by phone.

- Yes, sir.

- I wanted to...

Could you tell me where I could find...

Little Bo Peep?

- Oh, she's right at the top of the stairs.

(exhales)

She's expecting you.

(knocking)

- [Woman] Come in.

(jungle noises)

(purring)

- Sorry, I...

I must have the wrong room.

- For that much film,

and the processing,

it comes to this.

- That's quite a bit, isn't it?

- Oh, well, I'm sure we can arrange credit.

- I don't believe in credit.

With me, it's cash or barter.

- Well, I've always like cash, myself. (chuckling)

- Barter.

- What have you got to trade that's worth this?

(gasps)

Oh, oh!

I see.

- Not yet, you haven't.

- Have you seen our dark room facilities?

- [Xavier] I thought you'd never ask.

- Best in Hollywood.

Watch your step here.

Be very careful.

You just go right on in and I'll be right there.

(buzzing)

- I'm Little Bo Peep and I've lost my sheep.

Oh where, oh where may I find them?

- Baaaaa.

Baaaa.

(adventurous music)

- Get along, Old Paint!

We gotta head 'em off at the pass!

- Yee-haw!

- What big eyes you have.

- If you're looking for Little Red Riding Hood,

you're in the wrong room.

- Baaaa.

Oh, baaaa.

Baaaa.

Baaaa.

- Ain't gonna be no rest for this cowgirl

till we get all the bad guys looked up in a hoosegow.

(barking)

- Ride 'em, cowgirl!

- What other crimes is this piece of filth guilty of?

- Two counts of failing to give his seat up

on a bus to a woman.

- Three lashes!

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday happy birthday ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

(noisemaker squealing)

- We need a house we can shoot as the East Hampton mansion.

- Amber and Susie for that.

- They're upstairs.

- Poor baby!

There'll be time for that later.

- I don't know if I can make it.

- Stick with me, kid.

I'll make you a director.

- You promise?

- [Xaviera] Yes, this is wonderful.

- [Realtor] The basement?

- No, no, no.

Upstairs is perfect.

How many bedrooms did you say?

- Seven.

- Uh-huh.

- But of course, you know, we have

two complete bedrooms on the ground floor.

- Good, good.

- What happened to to your two friends?

I seem to...

- Oh, Amber and Susie.

- Yeah.

- Oh, I'm sure they're all right.

This is a big house.

- Yes, it is.

It comes even complete with a game room,

including a billiard table.

(billiards knocking)

(sensual music)

- We only need the house for two days.

- Oh, no, no, no.

We usually don't rent by the day.

But I think I could manage both of them,

I mean two day, two day, two days, fine, fine.

- [Xaviera] About the rent.

- I was hoping you were gonna say that I was looking at it.

- [Xaviera] Is that really what you want?

- Yes, oh, yes it is.

(sensual music)

- Don't forget to call your shot.

- Right.

In fact I was just hoping to do that.

Oh!

- All of this goes back there against the wall, please.

Move it, ladies!

You were due at the camera rental place 20 minutes ago.

- Hi!

I'm here for an audition.

- Casting is to the right of the stairs.

- Okay, thanks.

- Robbie!

You're needed in casting.

- Be right there.

Okay.

We're averaging just over $600 an hour.

- It's not good enough.

- Well, maybe I better go upstairs

and see if I can't just--

- Oh, no, finish the count, go into casting.

I'll take care of upstairs.

- I never have any fun around here.

- Delicatessen?

- Upstairs, second door on the right.

Amber!

I need to talk with you.

(upbeat Spanish music)

(foreign language)

- Delicatessen!

- [Girls] Come in!

- Whoa!

- Joy Pecker?

- Oh, I'm Joy Pecker.

- Mr. Rottman will see you now.

Right this way.

Mr. Rottman.

This is Joy Pecker.

- Hi.

I'm Joy Pecker.

- And I'm Robbie Rottman. (chuckling)

Won't you have a seat?

- Thanks.

- Let's see here.

(cheerful Italian music)

- No, no, I have to get to work.

Please, Please!

I have to get back to work!

Don't you want your sandwich?

- You're a young one.

Most of the time they're so old.

- Well I'm almost brand-new. (chuckling)

- I'd like to do my piece for you.

It's a classic.

- Yeah, well, I'm sure it is.

But wouldn't you rather just read?

- That's all right.

I've done this so many times that I know it by heart.

- Oh.

- It's by...

William Shakespeare.

- Good ol' Bill.

(foreign language)

No, no, no, no, no!

(foreign language)

- I would not, though 'tis my familiar way with men,

to play the lapwing and to jest.

Tongue...

far from heart,

play with all virgins so.

I hold you!

(groaning)

I hold you as a thing ensky'd and sainted.

(moaning)

- Thank you, Mrs. Pecker.

- Thank you, Mr. Rottman.

- Don't mention it.

I think the interview is over now.

- What interview?

(lively music)

- Battle stations!

Battle stations!

Enemy ships all around us!

- We're gonna get you! - No, no, no, no.

(foreign language)

Please, please, no more, no more.

(foreign language)

Who had the corn beef and brisket combo?

(shouting)

- Well, hello there, sailor.

- Two plus a hundred.

520.

426.

159.

Oh, look at that!

- 800.

- Thank you!

Plus 800.

Let's see.

(printer clicking)

Xaviera.

Where's Xaviera?

Xaviera... (chuckling)

Today's total.

- Come on, tell us!

- What is it?

- Come on!

- Max, I want you and George to help me

with the press release.

- Okay!

- Robbie, I want you to go and tell

the other girls upstairs. - Right!

(giggling)

- Now?

- Have fun.

(chuckling)

Walk!

(chuckling)

Someone get some champagne.

We're all gonna make a movie!

(cheering)

(dynamic music)

- Well?

- Oh, the way we see it, Mr. Warkoff,

there's no way that a bunch of prostitutes

are gonna make a film that can hurt us.

- That's no what I want to hear, Lamely!

I'm very disappointed in both of you guys.

I ask you, is it so difficult for you two big shots

to buy the rights for some little book?

I asked you to close down a fly-by-night production,

and what do I get?

Headlines in Variety!

I guess it's time I showed you buys

what it really means to get tough.

Come here a minute.

You know, when I say tough,

you know, I don't mean like tough.

I mean tough!

Move it!

- [Max] Susie, they need you in makeup, and don't be late!

Amber!

Amber, get some costumes out of the truck.

Laurie, my dear, you have five minutes.

Are you going to be ready?

- [Laurie] Yes.

- [Max] Go over the lines a couple more times

and wait right here for me.

- [Laurie] Okay.

To be or not to be.

- [Max] Amber, please help get the costumes

out of the truck. - Is that a question?

- [Man] Hi.

- [Laurie] Hi yourself.

- You wouldn't be Xaviera Hollander?

- No, I could never be Xaviera.

She's on the set.

We're making a movie!

- I know, I know.

I'm from the camera rental.

You know, we haven't received payment, you know what I mean?

It's been two days.

- Xaviera can't be disturbed now.

She's emoting!

Are you sure there isn't...

some mistake?

- There's no mistake.

We really need that payment.

Theses are hard times.

- I know it is.

You know, this movie making goes very...

very slowly.

- I guess I'll just have to wait.

- Oh, I wouldn't want you to have to do that.

Why don't you come along with me,

and I'm sure I can arrange for you

to get everything you deserve.

- Have you see Laurie?

- Yeah, she's making a payment on the camera rental.

- What do you mean?

That's all been taken care of.

- Oh, I don't know.

That guy just drove up in that van.

- Uh-oh.

We don't use AC-DC!

(shrieking)

- All right, come on, let's go!

Hands against the trailer and spread 'em!

(dramatic music)

- I woulda let you do that anyway, you creep!

- Yeah, come on, lady, this ain't no social call.

Come on, move it!

- [Max] This is against the law!

- [Laurie] Where are you taking me?

- [Cop] That's right, come on.

Move, let's go!

That's it, that's it, go!

Everybody step in!

Come on, move those girls!

- There it is, simple and clean.

- Very efficient.

- Well, which one of you wants to buy me lunch?

- All right, all right.

Quit pushing around.

- Do be careful with the nails.

I'd hate to loose one.

- Come on!

- I can't believe all this could happen to us.

- One, two, three, four, five,

six, seven, eight, nine, 10.

- Everybody, take lunch.

We'll meet back in the office in two hours,

four o'clock, okay?

$2,000 a piece, George?

Why didn't you argue about the bail?

- Hey, there was nothing I could do about it.

You know, you've got some very powerful enemies.

- Don't I know it.

They just cost us a big chunk of the budget,

and we haven't got a foot of film to show for it.

- You're really serious about this film thing, aren't you?

- I never take anything too seriously or for too long,

George, but I do not like to be pushed around.

- Yeah, but you're on their turf.

What are you gonna do about it?

- Fight back.

Dirty for dirty.

(upbeat jazz music)

- Hello, C.J., good to see you.

Good evening.

Hello.

(bell chiming)

- Yes, sir?

- Joseph E. Rottman.

- Yes, sir?

- I was told you had a message for me.

- Oh, well let me check.

Here it is.

- Thank you.

- [Xaviera Voiceover] Dearest Joseph,

I'm too tired to fight my true emotions.

You've made me love you, darling.

I'm ready to deal.

I am your slave, so please be kind.

Room 583, 10 o'clock.

Love, Xaviera.

- Wow!

Great evening, Lionel.

You did a wonderful job.

- Thank you, Joseph.

Nice of you to say.

- Yeah, I better get inside.

Can't miss the old man's speech.

- Of course not.

(clearing throat)

Desk.

- Oh, yes, sir?

- Lionel Lamely.

- Yes?

- You have a message for me.

- Oh, I'll check.

Is there anything else I can do for you, Mr. Lamely?

- [Xaviera Voiceover] My darling,

I now know better than to try to make it without you.

I pray it's not too late for us to start again.

Isn't it time we negotiated?

Room 581, 10:05 tonight.

Waiting for your love, Xaviera.

(sensual music)

- Xaviera?

Hello?

- [Xaviera] Yes, darling?

(stimulating music)

- Xaviera!

- How handsome you look in your tuxedo.

Let me see from the back.

Ooh, what cute buns you have!

To be honest, I really wasn't sure

whether or not you'd want to come.

- Why, I couldn't believe it was for me.

I mean, I never dreamed!

- Oh, this is not a dream, Joseph.

Don't underestimate yourself.

Men like you have a strange

and powerful attraction on a woman.

- We do?

- I think it's your total lack of vanity

that I find so disarming.

- Ooh!

Sorry.

(farting)

- What the hell are you doing?

- Huh?

Oh.

I've been riding all night on this elevator.

Some guy said there was a party on seven.

But this damn thing only goes to six!

What do you think, huh?

Damn kids.

They're rushing around.

They try to push all the buttons.

Buttons!

Buttons!

- Please, darling.

This means too much for us to rush.

We have all night, Joseph, love.

- Where are you going?

- Make yourself comfortable.

It's going to be a long and bumpy night.

I think I'll slip into something

a little less confining.

(purring)

- Less confining.

(whistles)

- If you find a party...

you know where to find me.

(animated music)

- Ah, Xaviera, it's almost five after.

- Okay, okay.

Don't forget the phone.

(sensual music)

(animated music)

Can you ever forgive me?

It's just that I get so jealous.

- Oh, that's the past.

It's the now... (glasses clinking)

that interests me.

(romantic music)

- I've made some special arrangements for you tonight.

Promise me, darling, you'll stay right where you are.

- Xaviera, they'd have to drag me out of here.

- They just might have to.

(animated music)

- What do you think?

- Perfect!

(chuckling)

(stimulating music)

No, stop!

Oh, Joseph, I have this hunger.

I have this need to be held, loved, possessed.

No, please, stay right where you are.

Promise me you'll do exactly as I stay.

- Tell me, tell me!

- I'm going into the bedroom.

- Yes, yes!

- I'll turn off all the lights.

And then I'll lie down on the bed.

- Wonderful, wonderful!

- When the moment is perfect...

I'll call for you,

and you'll come to me...

in all your naked splendor.

(animated music)

(romantic music)

- Xaviera, you've kept me waiting.

- Good things are worth waiting for, darling.

I promise you, tonight will be

the most memorable night of your life.

So, why don't you get out of your stuffy clothes,

and I'll call you to the bedroom when we're ready.

- This is getting interesting.

Xaviera, who's in there?

- You're ruining the surprise.

The lights will be out, lover,

so you'll just have to feel things out for yourself.

- Xaviera.

- Hm?

- Don't disappoint me.

- I won't.

(animated music)

(rousing percussion)

Okay, okay, go, go. (animated music)

(rousing percussion)

(animated music)

Okay, stud buns.

Come and get your bouncy, bouncy!

- Bouncy, bouncy!

(rousing percussion)

- [Xaviera] Don't say a word, my love.

Just come to me.

(metal banging) - Oh!

(squeaking) (groaning)

(rousing percussion)

(groaning) (squeaking)

- Don't!

(pitiful music)

Just don't say anything, Rottman!

(laughing)

- I don't understand.

- It's very simple.

We found these in the elevator,

and we're turning them in to lost and found.

You do have one, don't you?

- Why, yes.

Thank you.

- Ladies.

- You'd think he never an honest woman.

- Ooh, bite your tongue.

(laughing)

- It's locked from the other side!

- D'oh, it's locked too.

- Damn!

- It's dead!

- You have lousy connections, Rottman.

Oh, is that your solution, to throw things?

- Well, what's your answer, smart ass?

She's taken the towels, the curtains, and the sheets,

and all she left us with is that!

Oh, no!

- You've got a better solution?

- I'd rather be caught dead.

- You want to stay here all night?

- There are some things I won't do,

and this is one of the things I won't do.

I can't, I couldn't, and I won't!

(sensual music)

- All clear.

- [Rottman] Are you sure?

- Yeah, come on, come on.

Come on!

(sensual music)

Shit!

- Good evening, ladies!

Cancel Pittsburgh.

I'm in love!

- You and your smart ideas.

- You've never looked lovelier, Joseph.

- Hey, don't be angry!

I just wanted to know how much it was for the two of you.

- Oh, hello...

Mr. Lamely.

Mr. Rottman.

- Li-- (voice cracking)

Lionel Lamely, it's a Clenet.

- Yes, sir.

Mrs. Lamely.

- Hey, so listen, honey, if your friend over there

doesn't want to go party, let's you and I

go out and have a little fun by ourselves, huh?

- Get your slimy hands of me!

- What are you talking to him for?

- [Rottman] I wasn't talking to him!

He was talking to me!

- That's all right, girls, you just talk it over.

- Would you get lost?

Get lost!

- Catch this.

- Another Saturday night in Tinsel Town.

Everybody's trying to be Peter Pan.

- You want me to go?

I'll go!

But I just think you're gorgeous!

All I wanted is one kiss.

Just give me one big one right here!

- Oh, you want a big one?

Well kiss this!

(dynamic music)

- Freeze!

(dynamic music)

- Where's number one?

You got number two up there.

Put number one.

Excuse me!

Look at the...

- [Producer] 10 seconds, Rita.

- Hurry up, come on!

- [Producer] Five seconds, Rita.

Four, three, two. - Now, from Hollywood,

it's the Rita Beater Show!

- Hello from Hollywood.

I'm Rita Beater, and by now the world is familiar

with the events known as Studiogate.

Charges of moral bankruptcy of movie land's most powerful

have sent stock in Warkoff Brothers Studios

rocketing downward.

The question now is, what can W.B. Warkoff do

to restore the public's faith in his dying empire?

The talk here in Tinsel Town is that only a reunification

with Xaviera Hollander's Happy Hooker, now in production,

can save Warkoff Brothers Studios from its sagging state.

It wouldn't surprise this reporter

if talks between the two were in the offing.

- So, Xaviera.

- So, W.B.

- All this craziness.

Where will it stop?

Where?

I hurt you, you hurt me, nobody profits, true?

Now, look, let's not fool around the bush.

You read the papers, you know I have troubles,

but what you read is only the top of the iceberg.

I've got a new theater, big theater, opening in 30 days.

Would you believe I got no picture to open it with?

I was depending on it being The Happy Hooker, but now...

Oh, come on, darling, I'm sorry about that.

I'm will to let bygones be like spilled milk,

so why don't you let sleeping dogs do that

and let me make it up to you?

I'll pay whatever it costs for you to finish your film.

All you have to do is deliver by six o'clock

on 25th of February, and I pay you five million dollars.

Did you hear that good?

If you can deliver on time for the opening of my new theater

I'll pay you five million big ones!

If you don't, no five million dollars and I own the picture.

Stop already with the hors d'oeuvres.

What the hell is this, a Jewish luau?

Stop, I'm talking!

Well?

What do you say?

Do we sign the contracts?

- I'll have to discuss it with my partners.

- Well, of course.

- Thanks for the lunch.

- Don't mention it.

Tell Guido and Dominic I want to see them, now!

- Looks good.

It's almost too good.

He obviously believes we can't deliver on time.

- He's willing to gamble five million on it.

What do you think?

- Is there anything grandpa can do that'll slow production?

- Not according to this.

- We'd have to work around the clock.

- Honey, for a split of five million, I'll sleep later.

(laughter)

- Okay, okay, okay.

All right, all right, all right.

(commotion) Okay, okay, okay.

Hold it, hold it!

We can do it.

(cheering)

- Oh, Robbie, if you pull this one off,

you're gonna be a very rich young man.

- What, are you kidding?

If I pull this one off,

grandpa's gonna have to make me chairman of the board.

(laughter)

- [Director] Scene 20, take four.

- Move, move in, is that good?

Move in, okay, ready?

Go!

Go, go, go, go, go, go!

Beautiful!

Move, move it around, move it around.

Good.

That's good.

Good.

Now come on down.

Come down, come down.

Okay, that's good.

Now, bring it around to me.

Come around to me.

Come around.

That's good, that's good.

Stroke the tiger, stroke the tiger.

Back up, back up.

Back up to vine.

That's beautiful.

Vine between the things, stroke that vine!

Oh, I'm loving this, I'm loving this!

This is good, this is good, good, good, good!

(upbeat music)

- Have they got the phones yet?

- I'll check.

Not yet.

- Call Jake at the lab, and make sure that

we'll have the film by six.

- Jake, hello!

This is Maxine from Pleasure Productions.

Oh, that's great!

Hold on.

They can deliver the film the the theater.

- No.

We'll pick up the film.

I don't want to take any chances.

- Right.

- Thank you anyway, but we'll pick it up.

Six o'clock.

Oh well, you too.

Bye.

Our film will be ready at six o'clock.

- Good.

That gives us plenty of time to get it

to the theater by eight o'clock.

- Right.

Do you realize in a few hours we're going to be rich?

- Fiddledeedee, I'll think about that tomorrow.

- Frankly, my dear, to damn!

(chuckling)

(groaning)

- Grab these two and let's get out of here!

- You don't move, okay?

(groaning)

Beg your pardon?

(groaning)

Hm, glad you feel that way.

- Come on, let's get going!

(groaning)

- [Maxi] Ah!

- That's a cut!

Print that one!

- [Max] Easy there, C.B.

We're just at the lab.

- Oh.

Oh yeah.

Well, in that case, ladies,

let us go pick up our tickets to fame and fortune.

- [Max] You two go.

I'll wait here in the car.

- Okay.

(whistling "We're in the Money")

- [Max] Bye!

- Thanks, kid.

- Oh, hey, always glad to help out a fellow film maker.

- Robbie?

- Yeah, love.

- I didn't know you could have

two films with the same title.

- I don't think you can.

Why?

- Well, those two guys, they were carrying a film

that had the same exact title as ours.

(laughing)

- Oh my god.

(groaning)

- They must have taken our movie!

- Yeah, you're right about that one, honey.

Come on!

(groaning)

Come on!

- I'm coming, wait for me!

- Come on!

(groaning)

- Let's get this stuff to Warkoff.

(dramatic music)

- Hey, stop!

You're stealing our movie!

Oh, no!

Max, come on! - Quick, Robbie, hop in!

- Max, come on!

Go, baby, go, go!

- All right!

(cheering)

- Good evening, ladies and gentleman,

and welcome to the world premiere of William B. Warkoff's

new epic film, The Happy Hooker.

(cheering)

And here comes some of the beautiful participants

in the William B. Warkoff film now.

Yes indeed, ladies and gentlemen,

this is a gala evening in Hollywood, as you can tell.

And it is indeed a very glamorous one as well.

This a brand-new theater joining the chain

of William B. Warkoff theaters here in beautiful Hollywood.

And here are some of the glamorous people.

And I think, ladies and gentleman, yes indeed,

now arriving is the star of The Happy Hooker!

Ladies and gentleman, Xaviera Hollander!

(cheering)

Miss Xaviera Hollander, herself.

Good evening, Xaviera.

- Hello, Army.

- Oh, you look so beautiful here.

- Thank you, thank you. - A few words to the fans.

- Oh, well I'm just so excited.

I'm so nervous.

Oh my god, I really am.

We worked so hard for this.

I'm thrilled to be here.

Can I talk to you afterwards?

Because I'm just so nervous.

- Of course, we'll see you right after the show.

Ladies and gentleman, Xaviera Hollander,

the star of The Happy Hooker.

- [Guido] They're getting closer, dammit!

- Whoever believes that the glamor days of Hollywood

are gone, well, he should be here tonight.

And you know, there are so many new

and beautiful faces here.

And what fits it more than the opening

of a new and a beautiful theater?

And we also have some faces

that we already know so very well.

And oh, oh, yes it is, it is indeed!

Ladies and gentleman, one of the truly great men

of our industry, Mr. William B. Warkoff!

- Hi!

Hello, Army, how are you?

- Oh it's always a pleasure to see you looking so well, W.B.

You must be very excited about the premiere tonight

and also your lovely new theater.

- Thank you very much, Army, and I--

Army, where's the camera?

Is that it over there?

I'm very happy!

I'd rather not say anything right now.

Let the public decide for themselves, if you don't mind.

You see, there's one thing I really know

after all these years in this business.

You never know how the public will react.

Sometimes you think you got yourself a real winner.

What happens when it gets into the theater?

There's nothing up there, and I mean nothing.

So if you don't mind, I'll wait till later.

Right now I won't say anything about it.

However, I remember in the halcyon days,

the way Georgie Jessel used to speak--

- Yes, I'm sure we remember about Georgie Jessel.

Ladies and gentlemen, W.B. Warkoff!

(thrilling music)

- Faster, let's go! -All right, I'm going faster.

- Faster, faster!

- Shut up, will you?

- Step on it!

(soft piano music)

- It's 20 of eight!

What do you mean there's no film?

- I'm getting scared, George.

I hope they're all right.

- Ahhh!

Something wrong, Xaviera?

You look like you got opening night butterflies.

- That must be it.

- Well, for a man about to shell out five million dollars,

Mr. Warkoff, you seem very calm.

- All part of the game, son.

Don't give it a second thought. (laughing)

All right, move it.

Hyah, hyah, hyah!

(thrilling music)

(tires screeching) (horn honking)

- Faster, faster!

- Okay, all right, I'm getting faster!

You want to drive?

- Run 'em off the road! -All right, all right.

- Come on!

- [Max] I'm gonna run 'em off the road.

(tires screeching)

- Get yourself some popcorn.

I'll join you inside, okay?

Well, Miss producer, are you ready to start?

- Almost.

Why don't you go in and get a seat?

For what this is costing you, Mr. Warkoff,

you shouldn't miss a moment.

- Don't worry.

I wouldn't miss this for all the money in the world.

Ta-ta.

- Who's fooling who?

- I'm starting to get sick of this, you know.

- Why the hell are we running?

- [Robbie] Look out!

(screaming)

- They shouldn't have done that!

(tires screeching)

- They're behind us now!

- Well what are they doing behind us?

We're supposed to be chasing them!

(cackling)

- What are you chasing them for?

You crazy!

- Look at what they did to my car. (cackling)

I'm gonna kill them! (cackling)

- I liked it more when they were in front of us.

- What time is it, Laurie?

- Oh, Max, it's almost eight!

(thrilling music)

- [Robbie] Max, whoa, there's the theater!

- Come on, George, there they are.

- Please, Guido, don't!

(screaming)

I don't want to die!

Please!

- [Robbie] There they are!

- [Max] Robbie, grab the cans!

- I got 'em. - Hurry!

- [Xaviera] Quickly, let's go!

- [Max] Hurry, come on, hurry!

- [Laurie] Hurry!

Let's go!

- [Announcer] Don't miss The Apples,

coming soon to a Warkoff Brothers theater near you.

- Boy, am I gonna enjoy not seeing this. (chuckling)

- [Announcer] Now, Warkoff Brothers Theaters

is proud to present its premier attraction.

- Here goes nothing.

(romantic music)

(applause)

Pills, Candy.

Candy, pills, pills.

- Shh!

We'll miss the beginning.

- You're shushing when I ask for a pill?

Kathy, a pill, pill, pill.

- Here, take one of these and shut up!

- Shut up?

- This looks good. - I'm having...

- [Xaviera] Are you a little boy or a little girl?

(laughter)

They do grow them big in Texas, don't they?

(laughter)

All of you at one time?

- Oh, shut up!

(laughter)

- Judging by the expressions on their faces,

we can safely say The Happy Hooker is a smash hit.

And here comes W.B. Warkoff!

Looks like you've got a hit, W.B.

- Yeah, yeah, big hit.

It makes me very happy.

What are you doing with the microphone.

We still on camera?

Oh!

I've believed in this project for a long time.

I'm grateful to the public for liking it so much!

- Is it true that the young man who wrote

and directed this film is your grandson?

- Yes!

His mother's my daughter.

She's married to this low-life, forget his name.

I predict this young boy will be one of the great

film makers of this or any generation.

As in the immortal of Georgie Jessel, who once said,

"Give me youth, give me a halcyon boy who will make a..."

- Thank you W.B.

Yes, W.B.

Thank you very much.

And here comes the star of The Happy Hooker,

Xaviera Hollander!

Congratulations!

- Thank you, Army.

- This must be quite a night for you!

- Why, Army, when you see our movie,

you'll know that I'm basically a night person.

- Do you have plans for another movie?

- First I have to write another book,

perhaps about my experiences in Hollywood.

Right now, I'm on my way back to New York

to take care of the business of pleasure.

Goodbye, Army.

- Goodbye, Xaviera.

- Goodbye, all you wonderful people!

(cheering)

- Goodbye, Xaviera.

(cheering)

(soft music)

♪ Sweet person are you lonely ♪

♪ Sweet person can't you see ♪

♪ How I need you near to me ♪

♪And baby please ♪

♪ Need me ♪

♪ I can change your life tonight ♪

♪ I can make you fly ♪

♪ I can touch you with my life ♪

♪And dry the tears you cry ♪

♪ Close the door ♪

♪ Turn out the light ♪

♪ In the velvet of this misty hour ♪

♪ There comes a time to make it right ♪

♪ We can keep this night of love ♪

♪ Clasped between our hands ♪

♪ I can kiss your lips ♪

♪And make the time flow like sand ♪

(upbeat dance music)

♪ Hollywood crazy ♪

♪ Hollywood lazy ♪

♪ Paradise is open ♪

♪ Can we take your coat man ♪

♪ Laughter is contagious ♪

♪ Money is outrageous ♪

♪ Catch a star and maybe ♪

♪ Maybe she can save me ♪

♪ Hollywood can buy you ♪

♪And it hypnotize you ♪

♪ Waiting for a call girl ♪

♪ Man it's such a small world ♪

♪ Hollywood's a pet scheme ♪

♪ Hollywood's a wet dream ♪

♪ Hollywood is fire ♪

♪ You can live and die there ♪

♪And if you require a partial payment ♪

♪ We can make a mutual arrangement ♪

♪ We can find a quiet little corner ♪

♪ Happiness is what the doctor orders ♪