Original subtitles

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- Mazel tov! - Yeah!

Congratulations, Mrs. Simon.

♪ Maybe by now you should know ♪

♪ You got your somebody calling ♪

♪ You think you're somebody, don't you? ♪

♪ I think you're scared Of keeping somebody close ♪

♪ You'll never stop this flame... ♪

God, I love my life.

♪ Wasn't it enough? Or did I move too far? ♪

This is crazy.

This is our life.

♪ Everything I had ♪

♪ Everything I had ♪

♪ Tell me to stop but I keep on going Keep on, keep on, keep on ♪

♪ You'll never stop this flame ♪

- ♪ I will never let you go... ♪ - Wow.

Look at you.

It's the Grammys. We're not taking the car?

That would make way too much sense.

♪ You'll never stop this flame ♪

♪ I will never let you go ♪

♪ Keep away from me ♪

♪ If you can't withstand my love ♪

♪ Keep away from me ♪

♪ Away from me if you think you must ♪

♪ You'll never stop this flame ♪

♪ I will never let you go ♪

♪ Well, who am I to say? ♪

♪ Maybe by now you should know ♪

♪ You got your somebody calling ♪

♪ You think you're somebody, don't you? ♪

♪ I think you're scared Of keeping somebody close ♪

♪ You'll never stop this flame ♪

♪ I will never let you go ♪

I can't.

I do know what a life with you would feel like. We would...

It would be incredible.

But it would also mean giving up all of this.

And this isn't perfect.

And it's...

It's really fucking hard, you know?

But I love Cooper.

And I don't want a future without him.

Life is... choices.

And this one's mine.

So it's him?

He's the one?

Yes.

♪ Back to this room... ♪

Well, you're my one, Billie Mann.

♪ Back to our roots... ♪

You always will be.

♪ What did we lose? ♪

♪ If I could, I'd pull your strings For one more dance ♪

♪ But I can't ♪

♪ Say, isn't it strange? ♪

♪ Isn't it strange? ♪

♪ Isn't it strange? ♪

♪ How people can change ♪

♪ From strangers to friends ♪

♪ Friends into lovers ♪

♪ And strangers again ♪

Now, who says elephants have to be gray?

- Hmm? - Mm!

Mine is pink and purple, and that's just the way I like it.

- I'm making quesadillas. Is that good? - Where is Daddy?

He's, um... He's still in bed.

It's almost dinner.

I know, honey. He's...

He's not feeling well, you know. And, um...

He needs to rest.

- I'm gonna make him a feel-better card. - That is so nice.

He's gonna love it, I'm sure.

I've brought you some food.

- And a card from Hudson. - I don't wanna eat.

Look.

- What happened last night... - Don't.

I don't even recognize myself.

- It's like I became a monster. - You're not a monster.

- I broke our marriage vows. - Well, that's not exactly how I see it.

It's not cheating if it happens in front of your wife

at a sex party you both agreed to be at, is it?

- What I did to Devon... - Honey.

None of that matters.

All I see when I look at you is my beautiful husband.

That's not who I am anymore.

There's a stain on me and on our marriage.

We all do bad things. You know, we all have a darkness inside of us.

No. I didn't.

Not until you put it there.

This is not all my fault.

I tried to become someone else for you

because of him.

Today... is a fresh start.

- We need to look forward. - I don't think I can do that.

There's some damage that's too hard to come back from.

Cooper.

It's on everything.

That stain, it's on our family.

It's on our friends.

It's on this life that I love so much, the only life I ever saw for myself.

- We can get it back. - How?

How am I supposed to look at those people, at this house,

at you, and not see that stain?

This is so not fair.

If I can somehow get past what you did with Trina,

why can't you get past what happened with Brad?

- Which was so much less! We never kissed! - You were in love with him!

- You still are! - Brad is gone.

Forever.

Trust me. He is never coming back.

Brad is ten exits away! I don't believe he's ever gonna be out of our lives.

Daddy. Daddy, you're awake.

Hey, buddy.

Come here.

Hudson.

Don't yell at Mommy, okay?

Oh, honey, I'm fine, baby. I'm fine. We were...

We were just talking.

Thanks for staying.

I was gonna clean up. Then, I figured, maybe I should just open a bottle of wine.

Listen, I hate to say it, but... so much has happened.

- Maybe you and Coop should take a break. - No.

- Just to get perspective. - I...

I have perspective.

I know what I want.

I turned Brad down for a reason, and that is Cooper.

- Okay. But Coop is... - Is halfway out the door.

I know.

This thing with Trina...

- Not to mention his boss. - I know.

I'm hanging on by a thread.

But I'm not letting go.

I love my husband.

And I'm going to get our life back.

This journal is what almost destroyed my marriage.

Maybe this time around, it can save it.

October 6th. Said goodbye to Brad.

Forever.

I think it was Betty Friedan who told us

we can have it all, just not all at the same time.

And there's a freedom in accepting that.

We live so many different lives in one lifetime.

And when I look at my life as a whole,

all the things I've done, all the people I've been,

all the pleasure I've received,

I am so damn lucky.

So Cooper can talk about stains all he wants, but I know

adversity can make us stronger.

And I did not come this far to lose everything now.

Right after school, we're going to take you to L.A.

Morning, Caroline.

Billie.

- Bonjour. - What is he doing?

He's practicing for the international fair.

We got France, so...

Hannah, why don't you go play with Avery and Isabella instead?

Caroline.

Hudson can go play with some blocks or whatever. Have a great day.

Hudson, it's okay, honey. Your French is so good.

I love you. I'll see you after lunch. Go play.

Caroline.

Caroline, wait.

What are you doing?

Trina told me what happened. You took her and Devon to a sex party?

What? No. Trina took me.

Oh, please.

Trina would never. You're the one who was cheating on your husband.

- I didn't cheat. - Really?

You admitted in the middle of SoHo that you've been fantasizing about your ex.

And Trina told me that he called you when you were at my house,

and you snuck out into my backyard to answer it.

You know what, Caroline? I never judged you for hating sex.

Maybe don't judge me for liking it.

I saw Devon's face. What Cooper did...

- Cooper feels terrible. - I don't blame him.

I blame you. You have dragged your husband through the mud.

If you two are still together at Christmas, I'll eat my shirt.

- Morning. - Morning.

Cooper, thanks for joining.

Have a seat.

Brutal, right?

Told me he was jumped in Greenwich. Who knew?

What's going on?

Devon here is trying to sell me on his residential hydropower idea.

Again.

I think it's risky.

It's a crowded field, and I don't think the numbers are there,

but according to Devon, you think it's a winner.

And since you're the golden boy around here after Nanogenics,

if you think there's something in it, then I need to reconsider.

You know we have limited resources.

Is this how you think we should we spending them?

Yes.

Yes, it is.

Well, all right, then.

Now, it is a crowded field,

so maybe not the full investment that Devon's talking about.

No. If this is gonna work, we need to go all in.

Double what you put into Nanogenics.

I'll set up the pitch.

So that's your plan, huh? Gonna blackmail me into supporting your shitty ideas?

I haven't decided what I'm gonna do, but it's a good start.

And you should be grateful.

If I went to the cops, you go to jail.

Or I can go to HR and hashtag-something your ass.

Instead, we're going deep into residential hydropower, Cooper.

You smell that? Smells like a partnership with my name on it.

Well, well, you got a lot of nerve

showing up without even a muffin basket.

Cut the shit. I talked to Caroline. You turned this whole thing around.

Did I? The details are a little fuzzy.

You knew Cooper and I were in a fragile place,

and you made a move on my husband without even checking with me.

You asked for my help. You came to that party of your own accord.

Your husband told me to do what I did. It tasted like he enjoyed it.

That was a onetime mistake.

Don't you ever touch my husband again.

I thought you wanted something more, Billie.

All your talk of sex and freedom.

Instead, you made a very public problem at a very private party.

I know, and I'm sorry, but that's what it took for me to realize

I don't want what you and Devon have.

I don't want my husband fantasizing about somebody else,

let alone acting on those fantasies.

So you're gonna go back to being Little Miss Happy Homemaker?

No. In fact, I probably should get back to work.

Right, to keep you distracted

from the fact that your deepest feminine desires are utterly unfulfilled.

That's not true.

There are a lot of ways to be feminine, a lot of different desires.

Fine. You can tell yourself that'll be enough.

But I know it won't be.

Guess what. Your husband knows too.

Cooper and I are working things out.

You might be trying to, but I'm not sure Cooper is.

He seemed pretty done with you to me.

- Can I talk to you for a sec? - Yeah, sure.

I lied before. I'm not into residential hydropower.

And let me guess. Devon didn't get jumped in Greenwich.

No.

That was me.

What are you talking about?

Billie and I were trying to spice things up.

And so we...

We let Devon and Trina take us to, um...

to a party, and things got out of control.

I...

I did things with Trina...

and Devon tried to get with Billie...

and I lost it.

I cannot imagine you doing any of this.

That's not the Cooper Connelly I know.

It's not the Cooper Connelly that I know either.

Um...

I have to take this to HR.

Despite the fact that the incident occurred outside of work,

it was still a physical altercation between two employees.

I know.

I can't let my feelings get in the way.

I understand that, and I'm...

I'm so sorry.

No, I'm sorry for you.

When are you gonna leave her?

- Francesca... - She's destroying you.

I told you how you rescued me. Now it's my turn.

This is a key to my apartment.

It's a safe haven. Maybe a fresh start.

You don't ever have to go home again.

Mommy?

Hi, honey.

Oh, look at you!

What's a divorce?

Where'd you hear that word?

Hannah said her mom said you and Daddy are getting a divorce.

That's not happening. Okay? It's...

It's not true. I promise.

Hey, hey. Aunty Sasha's back.

- Almost time for you guys to go, right? - Daddy's not home.

Oh, he's coming. I'm sure he's on his way.

We can't make France without Daddy.

We're gonna be fine, honey. We've got...

We have passports, we have brie. Everything's gonna be great.

Hey, Huddy.

Why don't we go check on Ellary? What do you say? Yeah? Okay.

Go, go, go. I'll race you.

You've reached Cooper Connelly.

Sorry I'm not available to take your call. Leave a message. I'll speak with you soon.

Cooper, where are you?

I know you're angry, but it's Hudson's International Fair.

Don't do this to him.

Don't do this to us.

Just... Just call me. Please.

Thanks for seeing me.

You want a drink?

Yeah. Sure.

So this is, uh...

your place, huh?

This is where you lived...

together.

- Yeah. - Look...

I know there's something going on between you.

She's in love with you. Always has been, always will be.

- Cooper... - Just stop.

I just need to know...

Is this real for you too?

Okay, if I walk away,

will you take care of her?

It's not just her. Okay? It's my kids too.

They'll be a part of your life, they'll have to be.

And I will not walk away unless I know that they're all gonna be okay.

It is real.

I am undeniably in love with your wife.

And I would do anything...

lay down my life...

to be the father of her children and yours.

But she won't have me.

Oh, bullshit.

She said no.

And trust me, I tried.

I even brought her a ring, asked her to marry me.

She said no this whole time.

'Cause that's who she is.

That's who you're married to.

Is it?

'Cause I'm not sure that I even know who I'm married to.

You know, you were right.

At dinner.

There is a reason why she never mentioned you.

'Cause she was hiding herself because...

I think, deep down, she does want a life that is...

That is... That is wilder and bigger...

than just me.

Wrong, mate.

- She's all about you. - Yeah, yeah, for now.

Maybe.

But we both know...

whatever I can offer...

It's everything she's ever wanted.

Kids, a husband who would never run away.

Everything I was too chickenshit to give her.

You can only run around having crazy adventures for so long.

At the end of the day, Billie really wanted me to be...

you.

So the real question isn't, "Am I gonna take care of her?"

The question is, "Are you?"

Oh, nope. Nope.

No one wants it.

That's okay, honey. You know, um...

Maybe they're just full.

Why don't you go check out Japan? They have salmon sushi.

Your favorite, right? Yeah? Go on.

Hannah, why don't you go find your father?

All the daddies are bringing in the drinks.

At least, all the daddies who came.

Okay, that's enough.

Whatever your inner nun is telling you,

dissing a 4-year-old is not the appropriate response.

Billie, you need to back off.

Caroline is not your problem.

Yeah. It's not her fault your husband isn't here.

- Cooper got tied up at work. - Devon said he left two hours ago.

Look, Billie, I'm sorry about what's happening.

You have no idea what's happening.

I know that you're questioning a lot of things

that most women here simply accept as canon,

and honestly, a part of me admires you for that.

Not sure what there is to admire.

But it's also scaring people

because it's making them wonder what they might be settling for too.

I'm not settling, Judy.

I love my life!

Do you? Then why are you so afraid to question it?

Maybe it's okay to admit that the happily-ever-after

never turned out to be so deliriously happy after all.

I am! Deliriously happy. Seriously.

It's not like Trina's the first married woman

who ever wanted to go to a sex party.

Excuse me?

What do you think would have happened if your old boyfriend hadn't turned out

to be bald, fat and in the concrete business?

You're right. I don't know where Cooper is.

I don't know where we are,

but I do know that I am trying to live my life

with open eyes and an open heart, and it is messy,

and it's joyful, and it is soul-crushing and necessary.

Oh, please. Spare us the lecture and just admit

that you're dying to go back to spreading your legs on the Lower East Side.

Hey. You leave her alone, okay? You are in no position to judge.

Back off, Boy Scout.

I am so sick of Good Guy Connelly. You're no saint, buddy.

At least I'm willing to take responsibility for what I did.

To everyone.

If you're gonna hand out apologies, start with me.

No. She deserves it. And a whole hell of a lot more.

Spoken like the pussy-whipped pussy you are.

You're really gonna do this here?

- You let her run all over you... - Real classy, Dev.

...and you're too weak to shut that crazy down.

Don't talk about Billie like that.

Yes, we've had our problems. We're working it out.

That's called marriage.

This right here, this is the real world.

Okay? I don't know what world you all are living in.

You say what you want, but Billie's a good woman.

And she is a great mother.

And I love her with everything that I got.

Daddy. Italy has gelato. That's ice cream, right?

Hey, buddy, guess what. I know where they got the best ice cream in town.

Come here.

Let's get out of here.

I lost the partnership.

I may lose my job.

HR still needs to speak with Devon.

After what just went down, I'm sure he'll do his worst.

Oh, honey.

I am so sorry.

I know you worked so hard.

I went to see him.

Brad.

I know he was at the house.

He showed up.

I sent him away.

I didn't mention it because there was no reason to.

I was never going back to him.

If I'd have told you that he came, that he...

proposed to me...

- you'd have left, and you know it. - I don't know anything.

All I do know is that if we have any chance of making it,

we have gotta be honest with each other. Starting now.

You're right.

I'm so sorry.

For all of it.

Stains come out.

They wash away.

This one will. I know it.

This is delicious.

Come here. You're delicious.

- Yes! - Ooh, babe, hold on. Just...

Yeah. Right there.

Hey.

We're gonna be okay.

You got a chocolate beard, mister. You know that?

There are a lot of things that can give you butterflies.

And what that is changes over a lifetime.

Good morning.

Okay. There you go, honey.

- I love you. - All right. I love you.

- Thank you, Olga. - Have a great day.

♪ And you want it ♪

♪ Then you take it ♪

♪ Forget what you see When you close your eyes... ♪

- You're really doing it. - Yeah.

- We are totally getting lunch. - Yes. Yes.

♪ I'm a woman ♪

♪ What you see ♪

♪ What you see ♪

♪ Ain't run through me ♪

♪ You don't want it ♪

♪ Then don't take it ♪

♪ No rest for the weak ♪

♪ No sleep at night ♪

♪ You can make it ♪

♪ You're gonna want it ♪

♪ You're gonna make it ♪

♪ You forget what you see When you close your eyes... ♪

You coming in?

♪ I'm a woman, what you see ♪

♪ I'm a woman, what you see ♪

♪ Ain't run through me Ain't run through me... ♪

Okay, Olga's gonna pick you up. But I should be home by dinner. Okay?

Hi, Hudson.

Thank you.

♪ Won't you come be my friend... ♪

I talked to HR.

Told them the whole thing was a misunderstanding, which it was.

- And they bought that? - Fuck, no. But no plaintiff, no complaint.

♪ Won't you come be my friend? ♪

Thanks, buddy.

You and Billie...

you've really got something.

♪ What you see ♪

♪ I'm a woman, what you see ♪

♪ I'm a woman... ♪

I know.

I'm a lucky man.

♪ What you see, what you see ♪

♪ I'm a woman, what you see ♪

♪ I'm a woman... ♪

Wow.

- Sasha has quite the following. - Yeah.

She's a rock star.

It's called code-switching.

Something we, in the Black community, know all too well.

When you change the way you talk based on who you're talking to.

Usually because the way you have traditionally spoken

is considered unacceptable

by some other group.

In this case, mainstream white America.

You abandon your authentic self in an attempt to fit in.

But you know who else code-switches?

Women. We fall into line.

Fall into language and behavior which fits expectations men have dictated.

We make ourselves smaller.

Less intimidating. Less dangerous.

For some women, this is what happens during marriage.

Many others feel this is the only way to make themselves marriage-worthy.

Repressing who we are is classic unhealthy behavior.

The rage that comes as a result of it is real.

As is the desperate need for a release.

Assimilation.

Fitting in has always been a key strategy for survival in America.

But is it really behavior...

Women need to honor those feelings.

And respect their validity.

The goal, of course,

is to return to that one true self.

Regardless of how uncomfortable it makes others feel.

That is the third way.

That is what we all need to find.

- She's incredible. - I know.

Connelly fam. You made it.

Are you kidding? We wouldn't miss this for the world.

You okay?

Yeah. I'm just... I'm just so happy for you.

Incredible stuff, Sash. It's a lot to think about.

- Hey. - Hey.

You remember Alex?

Alex, hey.

- Cooper. Great to meet you. - Likewise.

Choking guy.

- Yes. Hi. - Hi.

- How are you? - Good. How are you?

Good. Good.

I'll call you later.

I have news.

- Ready to go? - Yeah, sure, sure.

Buddy, grab your book for me. Here we go.

Your one true self.

It's hard to know which one of the voices in your head that is.

Hey.

How's my New York Times- best-selling best friend?

Pretty good actually.

What the hell is that?

You're the one who said erotic asphyxiation

is what it takes to get Sasha Snow to settle down.

I'd say I'm seriously considering.

That's from choking guy?

Alex.

I told him I needed 48 hours.

Which wasn't exactly the response he wanted to hear, but...

You're wearing the ring.

'Cause it's gorgeous.

But I still gotta figure out what I'm gonna do.

So, what do you say?

Me, marriage, you think I could hack it?

Oh, my God. Now I'm the one giving you marriage advice?

Girl, come on. You and Coop are doing so well.

You're finding your third way.

Right?

Yeah, yeah. We are.

And you fought so hard for your marriage, B.

There's gotta be something in it.

Oh, there is. So much.

You know it's the one time

in life where reality is even better than you imagined.

Mmm, I don't know.

My Denzel in a T-string fantasy has stood the test of time.

That's true.

But how do I know Alex is the one?

Or that there even is such a thing?

That there is one man who can make the day-to-day sameness of marriage

not feel like some boring patriarchal sacrifice?

You don't.

B?

You know there's, um...

There's always gonna be some other guy who's hotter, sexier...

who has that spark.

But that's nothing compared to having a real partner.

A teammate.

For anything that life throws at you.

You sure?

All that matters is...

if you think you can wake up every day for the rest of your life next to him

and be happy...

then you should do it.

Shit.

I didn't wanna have to give it back.

You're a lucky lady, Billie Connelly.

I really am.

- Hey, guys. - Hey, Judy.

Billie, you promised you'd be on the clean-up crew.

Oh, I remember.

Hey, I'm gonna go grab us some seats.

Oh, yeah, and get some extra programs for Dev and Sash.

- Got it. - Yeah.

Oh, my God, Caroline. Those look amazing. Now I have brownie shame.

Believe it or not, they are 100% vegan.

Try eating one. You'll believe it.

- Where'd you put the cups? - Oh, I'll show you.

You happy?

This is your life now.

Apparently it's mine too.

- What are you talking about? - Devon says he was inspired by Cooper.

No more parties. So...

Thanks?

My world just got a little bit smaller and a lot less fun.

Trina.

It's just not possible to live outside the lines here.

So let's hope you're right.

Let's hope it's enough.

Okay, everyone, break a leg.

♪ I am looking for something But it isn't you ♪

Hey.

♪ Something different Something strange... ♪

Friends and family, please take your seats,

our show is about to begin.

"Hope springs eternal." It's adorable, right?

Ms. Brenda wouldn't tell us what part anyone got, so...

Ten bucks says, no matter what, Hudson's the cutest one.

The joys of spring.

April is a rainbow month.

Of sudden springtime showers.

I'm a tree.

I'm a flower.

I'm a grasshopper.

- Oh! - I told you, he is the cutest one.

Spring is here.

♪ I can look in the mirror to find... ♪

There are a lot of different desires.

A lot of ways to be feminine.

♪ Patiently for disaster ♪

♪ I'm tired of being... ♪

I do wake up next to him every day and I am happy.

But...

Oh, God.

It's not enough.

♪ Tell me to stop but I keep on going Tell me to stop but I keep on going ♪

♪ Keep on, keep on, keep on You'll never stop this flame... ♪

Keep going, bud.

Two minutes.

♪ Well, who am I to say? ♪

♪ Maybe by now you should know ♪

♪ You got your somebody calling ♪

♪ You think you're somebody, don't you? ♪

♪ I think you're scared Of keeping somebody close ♪

♪ You'll never stop this flame... ♪

It's not what a woman is supposed to want...

it's the self we're supposed to enjoy while we're young...

and then leave behind to become a responsible grown-up.

We're supposed to simply accept

that we must give up parts of ourselves along the way.

♪ Everything, everything But it still went bad... ♪

♪ Tell me to stop but I keep on going Keep on, keep on ♪

Hey.

You okay?

I don't know.

But the true freedom and power is in saying it out loud,

and announcing ourselves,

letting our desire be known.

♪ Maybe by now you should know ♪

♪ You got your somebody calling... ♪

I do want it all.

And I want it right now.

♪ You'll never stop this flame ♪

♪ I will never let you go... ♪

I'm not leaving my husband.

♪ If you can't withstand my love... ♪

This changes nothing.

♪ Away from me ♪

♪ Away from me if you think you must... ♪

Now fuck me.

♪ You'll never stop this flame ♪

♪ I will never let you go ♪

♪ Well, who am I to say? ♪

♪ Maybe by now you should know ♪

♪ You got your somebody calling You think you're somebody, don't you? ♪

♪ I think you're scared Of keeping somebody close ♪

♪ You'll never stop this flame ♪

♪ I will never let you go ♪

♪ Keep away from me ♪

♪ Away from me if you think you must ♪

♪ Keep away from me ♪

♪ If you can't withstand my love ♪

♪ Keep away from me ♪

♪ Away from me if you think you must ♪

♪ You'll never stop this flame ♪

♪ I will never let you go ♪

♪ Well, who am I to say? ♪

♪ Maybe by now you should know ♪

♪ You got your somebody calling You think you're somebody, don't you? ♪

♪ I think you're scared Of keeping somebody close ♪

♪ You'll never stop this flame ♪

♪ I will never let you go ♪

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