Original subtitles

- [singing] down came the rain and washed the spider out.

Out came the sun, dried up all the rain.

Itsy bitsy spider

Went up...The spout... Again.

Aha!

I love that spider.

You know, they could be fussing and crying.

You start singing that song, it's musical chloroform.

- That's great, ray. Look at this.

You told me you took care of the car wreck guy,

Got another bill from him.

And the pediatrician is still sending us the bill

Because you haven't contacted the insurance company.

- [singing] the itsy bitsy spider...

- Look, ray, I only asked you to do a couple of things --

- [singing] went up the water spout.

Out came the rain.

- [singing] washed the spider out.

- Just next time--

- [singing] frere jacques.

And I live here in long island with my wife, debra...

My 6-year-old daughter and twin almost 2-year-old boys.

It's still warm.

Come on, what's goin' on?

- Yeah, here. Come here.

Sign your parents' anniversary card.

- Oh, look, a girl puppy nuzzling a boy puppy.

Hmm.

Well, you've captured them.

"no bones about it, doggone it.

We love you!"

I'm sorry. I can't sign that.

- Hey, I have an idea.

Why don't we send them the card you bought them?

- Now I get it. I get it now.

"doggone it" 'cause there's dogs on it.

Very clever.

I didn't see it at first.

I see it now.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

40th anniversary?

- Yep. - Wow. That's a big one.

Are we--are we doing anything?

- What do you mean are we doing anything?

- Well, I mean...40 years.

Is there gonna be a party or something?

- Oh! Is there gonna be a party?

- Well, you know, uh--

- Oh, yeah, I know,

That kind of instant party,

Where the earth just splits open,

And dancing girls fly out with cupcakes.

- I'd go to that party. - Yeah.

Such an idiot.

- What? What?

- You're saying I should throw a party for your parents.

- I didn't say that.

- Why don't you throw them a party?

They're your parents.

- Is it so important whose parents they are?

- Yes!

- I'm just saying someone ought to,

And parties are your department.

You're so...Festive.

[door opens] - hey.

- Hey, robert.

- Here's the ointment I borrowed.

I don't know what happened to the applicator.

- You know what? Keep it.

Listen, robert...

Are you planning to do anything

To celebrate your parents' anniversary?

- Not really.

Why? Is there gonna be, like, a party or somethin'?

- Debra doesn't want to make a party.

- Why should I make a party?

- Well, it is their 40th anniversary.

- Okay, look, if you two want it on your conscience

That this occasion went by and you did nothing,

That's fine with me.

I'm out of it. I got 'em a card.

- So what do you think?

- A party? I don't know.

- Maybe we should, uh...

Get some chips.

- What, like-- like potato chips?

- Yeah.

- I like barbecue.

- Nice. - Yeah, yeah.

- How about sour cream and onion?

No, wait a minute. Is that too much?

- Well, I mean, it is their 40th.

- Yeah, that's true. Yeah.

How about some dip?

- You know what? We don't need dip.

- Yeah, 'cause the chips are already flavored.

- Right, right, right.

- All right, whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait a minute.

What about the main food?

- Pizza?

- Nah. I had pizza last night.

Chinese?

- No, no.

Dad always imitates the delivery guy.

- I got it! I got it.

Six-foot hero.

- Six-foot hero!

- Yeah! It goes with the chips.

- That's good! Good. We get the chips, sandwich.

We get some ice cream. Yeah, yeah.

Who can't do this?

- Of course. You see?

Six-foot hero-- now, that's a lot of food.

I mean, who do we invite?

- Well, you gotta figure a foot a person.

- Right. Okay.

I can invite my girlfriend, amy,

A couple guys from the station.

- I can get kevin and andy--

- Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop!

Just stop!

This is your idea of a party?

- Didn't you hear? 6-foot hero.

- Here.

- Stan, lee, albert, lucy.

Wha-wha-what's this?

- This is a real guest list for a party.

- Lee and stan?

That's a party?

- This is not for you! This is for your parents!

You invite their friends.

And you're not having a hero sandwich.

It's not a super bowl party.

- Not with lee and stan it's not.

- All right. You know what we're gonna do?

We're gonna make it a surprise party.

We'll have a nice buffet,

Some crudites, pasta salad...

- I thought you didn't want to do this.

- Well, I have to now

Because I can't let this chip fest happen.

- Get a lot of ice.

Put a lot of ice-- - yeah.

- Hey, hey!

- Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh!

- Hi. Well, you're home early.

How was the happy zone?

- I'm tired! - Aww...

- Of course you're tired,

Because grandpa was too cheap to park at the happy zone.

- That lot costs three bucks an hour.

I found a meter with time left on it.

- 37 minutes? Ohh!

We had to run back so we wouldn't get a ticket.

- You call what you do running?

- I saw other wives being picked up at the door.

- I wish I could pick up another wife at the door.

- Maybe we should throw 'em separate parties.

- Ooh...

That was a wonderful brunch, you two.

It was lovely.

- But...

- It was a little much.

- We just thought that you would enjoy

A nice anniversary brunch.

- We don't enjoy things, dear.

- Guess why.

- All right. Come on. Come on.

We're supposed to be celebrating today, right?

- This marriage is nothing to celebrate.

- But 40 years, it's a big milestone.

Think of all the good times.

- I had one good year.

- There you go.

- The year I left your mother.

- Surpr-- - what?

- Frank! The children!

- What's the big secret? We split up for a year.

I came back, didn't I?

- Wait, wait, wait. What are you talkin' about?

- We almost got divorced.

- What?

- There's a sad word...

Almost.

- I suppose it can't hurt to tell you now.

We separated for a year.

It was a terrible time.

- Separated? When? When was this?

- Oh! It's not important, dear.

I have to go to the bathroom.

- Well, I want to know. No, wait, wait, wait.

- Surprise!

Honk!

- Look, frank, a party.

- Holy crap.

- Oh, look...

- Ma, what is this story?

- Mom, dad, happy anniversary.

Amy and I have prepared a few remarks.

- Come with me, both of you.

- No, no, no. Your brother's talking.

- [clears throat]

Ehhhh!

"webster's unabridged dictionary

Defines wedlock as--"

- Just keep toasting.

I'll have them back in a minute.

- The toast is for them.

- So's the cake.

- Uh, you know what?

This is just gonna take a minute, so...

I made a spinach boat, so party down, everybody.

Hi.

- Hey, I saw cannolis in there.

- Later. Listen, I want to know--

- Oh, mel, thanks for coming.

- You got any decent scotch?

- Come on.

Mel, please, give us a minute here.

- I was told there'd be widows here.

[muttering]

- In there.

When were you guys separated?

- It was like 30 years ago.

- Ray, I think the time for this is after the party, okay?

- Nice, raymond.

Very nice.

I practiced.

- Did you know mom and dad were separated?

- Again?

- Wait, you knew?

Where the hell was I that year?

- You were watching television.

- Yeah.

"wild, wild west."

- I'm sorry.

Do you want to blow out these candles?

- Oh, how lovely.

- No, no, no, no.

No cake until I hear the story. I'm sorry.

- It's getting very hot.

- All right...

Come on. Let's hear it.

- Okay.

We'd been living here in this house.

We had had the kids, and...

When I think about it,

We were a lot like you and debra.

- What?

- What? What do you mean?

- Not like us.

- Just like you two.

[theme from "wild, wild west" plays]

- I think, raymond, you were six,

And robby was, uh...

- Ten, ma. It's ray plus four.

- That's right.

But I remember frank and I were just like you two.

Everything was normal.

We'd had our differences.

But this was the day I realized the man I married

Had no respect for me whatsoever.

- Don't make this a production, marie.

- I remember I'd been cooking all day,

And you were taking your own sweet time

Coming down for dinner.

When I think of how many times I yelled, "frank!"

A nice pot roast,

Little red potatoes,

Carrots cooked in the sauce.

Before he even tasted a bite,

He had the nerve to ask me for salt.

- Salt gives it taste.

- That roast had taste.

It had oregano, garlic, paprika.

He wouldn't even try it.

- It's my house!

I'm allowed to have salt if I want!

- Even if it destroys another person?

[no audio]

- You overreacted.

You're always overreacting.

- You're the one who left.

- You threw me out.

- Champagne for everybody.

- We're busy, mel.

- I've met my bride. - Congratulations.

- And you thought I was gay.

- We, uh, should get out there.

- No, no, no. Not until they finish.

- Give me a break.

- Please tell me that cheese is from this party.

- Okay, well, after your father left,

We didn't talk for a long time,

And I thought it was over.

- But then you realized you made a big mistake

And you got back together, right?

- Nah. Ray broke his arm.

[theme from "bonanza" plays]

- Wait a minute.

Dad was there when I broke my arm.

- Yeah, I started coming by to check on you.

- Yeah, you were very concerned about raymond.

- He was very sweet with you, raymond.

- Well, his arm was busted.

- Everything kind of worked out from there.

[no audio]

- How about that, ray?

There wouldn't even have been a 40th anniversary

If it wasn't for your little arm, huh?

- Yeah.

- Can we go now? I'm out of cheese.

- You just came from brunch.

- Yeah, like you're not gonna eat again.

- I'm going in. You with me?

- Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Doesn't that story bother you?

- No. Why should it?

It's water under the bridge.

We all turned out okay.

Crunch!

- God, all this time

I thought my parents ruined my life.

It turns out I ruined theirs.

- You didn't ruin theirs.

They got back together because of you.

- Right!

They could've stayed apart,

Met other people,

Led happy, fulfilling lives.

- Your parents.

- They were different then.

Didn't you hear my mom?

Back then, they were just like you and me.

- Yeah, that was the worst part of that story.

- Debra, dear, the guests are dipping their cups

Into the punchbowl, since there's no ladle.

Is that how you intended it?

- I'll get a ladle.

And they all lived happily ever after.

- Do you know what time it is?

Come to bed.

- Can't sleep.

- Oh, listen.

You got to stop feeling guilty

About getting your parents back together.

You know what?

Think of them as, like, a terrible virus.

If they had met other people,

The misery would've spread.

You kept it contained.

- It's more than that.

- Oh, what, we're on to something worse?

- Yes.

- Okay, what are we having tonight, ray?

- I don't know.

What if you and me...

- What?

- What if--what if we end up like my parents,

Staying together just for the kids?

- That would never happen

Because I would take the kids

And the house.

Here. You can finish that.

Ray!

What, you don't think we're happy?

- Yeah, sure, now we're happy.

It's easy to be happy now.

- But you're thinking, like, what, in 20 years...

- Well, who knows?

My parents must have been happy once.

If you look at their wedding pictures,

They're actually smiling

In some of them.

- Ray!

We don't have to become them.

- They didn't want to become them!

Nobody wants to become them!

It--it just happens!

- Nobody else can become them.

This happened to them because they're them!

- No!

It happened because they settled.

Look, they got back together because of my arm,

And by the time it healed,

They forgot that they were never supposed to be together.

Now they're stuck.

Till death do they part.

- Oh, they're not stuck.

I mean, come on, think about it.

There has to be a reason other than you

Why that marriage has lasted 40 years, hmm?

Got to be another reason.

- Yeah. What might that be?

- Spite.

- How is this helping?

- All I know is,

I love you.

Right? We love each other.

That's why we're together.

Love.

Isn't that enough?

- Yeah,

If you want to put all your eggs in that basket.

- I just don't know how you could say that to maxine.

- What did I say?

- What did you say?

It's called a mental health facility, frank.

You don't walk up to somebody who's just been released

And say, "how was the loony bin?"

- She thought it was funny.

She laughed.

- She laughs at everything, frank.

She's out of her mind.

- Hi.

- Oh, hi.

Did you see how your father behaved yesterday?

- There was nothing wrong with me,

And it's my house!

- So that gives you the right

To unbuckle your pants in front of people?

- What people? It's lee and stan.

And maxine thought that was hysterical.

- You're impossible.

- What about you...

Wanting to dance.

- It was a party.

- Yes! People are eating.

Exactly why you shouldn't dance.

- All right, stop it. Stop it, will you?

How can you keep doing this?

- What do you mean?

We're having breakfast.

- Do you hear yourselves?

- What are you yelling?

We're having a conversation.

- No, no, no, you're not.

This is not a conversation.

This is--it's bickering.

That's all you do.

- Who are you to tell us what we do?

Leave us alone.

The next time you want to dance,

Give me notice so I can kill myself.

- Good. I'll dance on your grave.

How are the eggs?

- Mmm. They're good. Could use some more.

- Okay, you want some eggs, honey?

Sit down.

- Where are the peppers?

- There are no peppers.

You always ask for peppers,

And then you get heartburn.

- It's not from the peppers!

Here. Get in on some of this.

- Here. Here's the salt.

- Is robert here?

- He's watching television.

How are you eating?

Close your mouth before you chew.

- Close your mouth before you talk.

Mmm! These eggs are good.

- Good.

- Hey. - Hey.

- Let me ask you something.

They're, like, happy in there, aren't they?

- What do you mean?

- I mean--I mean they're, like, happy

The way they are.

- Yeah.

Of course they're happy.

Thank god.

Otherwise living here would be very stressful.

- So I guess it wasn't just my arm, then, huh?

- Oh, yeah, your arm.

You know, I've been meaning to tell you about that.

You know how you fell off your bike?

- Yeah.

- Well, you didn't just fall off your bike.

- What do you mean?

[theme from "wild, wild west" plays]

- Well, dad was away so long, you know,

I figured he might come home sooner

If you had a little... Accident.

- Are you...Crazy?

I--I flipped over the handlebars!

I could've been killed!

- Well, I thought of that.

Then dad would have come to the funeral.

I'm glad we talked about this.

It's been on my mind.

- How about the time I fell out of the tree house?

- You.

- Bunk bed collapsing?

- Me.

- Dart in the leg.

- Me. Accident!

- Hamster dying.

- God.

- The time I almost drowned.

- Lake or ocean?

- Lake.

- You.