Original subtitles

- Okay, I read to ally.

- Aw, thanks for putting her to bed for me, ray.

It's been a really long day.

- I read her "rapunzel."

- Good for you.

- Yeah, I don't know.

And I said that if you live in a tower

And there's no shampoo

And your hair gets long enough to climb on,

It might get disgusting.

- Yeah?

- Well, so ally wants a haircut.

- Oh, well, we'll get her a haircut.

- Now.

- Ray, don't tell me I have to go up--

- I'm ready, mommy!

- I gave her a dollar to tip you with.

Act surprised.

- Hi, I'm ray, and I live here in long island

With my wife debra,

My six-year-old daughter, and twin two-year-old boys.

My parents...

Live across the street.

Live across the street.

- Okay, ally, daddy's gonna be home any minute with dinner,

So let's clean up.

Sweetie, why don't you take all your dolls off the table

And wash your hands, okay?

- Grandma, look.

- Ally, please clean up.

- Oh, isn't that nice?

What's this one, a streetwalker?

- No, she's an aerobics instructor, marie.

She's dressed for the gym.

Ally, can you look at me?

Are you having trouble listening?

- All right, come on.

This is from nemo's,

So let's get to it before it eats through the bag.

Help ally get ready for dinner, please.

And can you get rid of them?

- [groans]

Hey, guys.

- Hi. Oh, daddy's home.

- It's time to go home now.

- Hey, I'm watching the game.

- I think they're beaming it into your house too, dad.

- Dad's taping channel 5 over there.

- 5, why? What's on 5?

- He wants to catch that commercial

For the chicken restaurant.

- Oh, the one where it's so good,

The chicken goes there to eat it?

- I'm dying to see it, yeah.

- Yeah, ray, please, we're all dying here.

- All right, look, we're eating, man, come on.

- Ally, don't make me keep asking you, sweetie.

Get the toys picked up and your hands washed.

- Hey, look, look. There it is.

- May I take your order?

[clucking]

[laughter]

- Dad, did I tell you? It's a killer.

- You didn't lie.

- Ally, I'm done asking you.

I want the toys picked up now.

- No!

- If you don't do what I'm telling you right now,

You can forget about dessert.

- Ooh, no dessert.

- I don't want any stupid dessert!

- Oh, my.

- Sure, you do.

- Ray, I can't take this anymore.

Could you handle it, please?

- All right, I got it.

Ally, wash your hands and do what mom--

Don't make mommy mad.

- No.

- Look, you have to do what mommy says.

- Why?

- 'cause I do.

- Grandma's got some candy

For a girl who cleans up.

- No, candy, mom.

Come on.

Mom, you don't pay her up front.

- Just watch.

All right, now, honey.

Clean up, sweetheart.

- No.

- Candy always worked.

I don't know what debra's done to this child.

- Look, just let me handle it, all right?

Ally, I'm gonna give you to the count of three, all right?

And if you don't start picking up your toys,

No tv for a week.

- Jeez. - Oh, no.

- One...

Two...

I'm not kidding.

One, two...

This is it.

2 1/2...

2 3/4.

Let me tell you something, ally.

I don't know any more fractions, okay?

Three. That's all.

No tv for a week.

- Nooo!

- Now, what happened?

- I handled it, all right?

Everything--

Everything worked out.

- I hate you!

- [gasps]

- Okay, folks, let's keep it moving.

Show's over. Nothing more to see here.

Come on. Let's go.

- What's wrong with you?

How can you yell at your child

In front of other people?

Don't you know how humiliating that can be?

Oh.

[door slams]

- I hate you.

- Hey, lucky pants.

- Thank you very much, ray.

- You're welcome.

What'd I do?

- You know, I haven't had a minute to myself all day.

You know, when you take tv away from ally,

You're punishing me too.

- Oh.

- You know what my day was like?

Went something like this:

"I want to watch tv."

"no."

"I want to watch tv."

"no."

"I want to watch tv."

"no."

Lunch.

"I want to watch tv." "no."

"I want to watch tv."

"no."

"hey, lucky pants."

- That's where I came in.

- Yeah, what are you gonna do for me next, ray,

Take away her nap time?

- Look, when a kid misbehaves,

You take away something that's important to her.

What would you have done?

- Honestly, I have no idea.

- Well, then I think

We shouldn't dump on the people who have ideas.

- Okay.

Here's an idea, then.

- "parent effectiveness training:

Coping with your child's behavioral challenges."

- They were sticking them on the windshield

At chuck e. Cheese's.

- Come on, look, we don't need classes.

We're great parents.

All right, you're a great parent,

And I'm your lovely assistant.

- Well, I don't feel like a great parent.

Great parents don't find themselves

In the supermarket going,

"we don't throw plums!"

I need a class.

We need a class.

- A parenting class?

That's supposed to come natural.

That'd be like taking a smelling class.

- So you have nothing to learn here?

- Oh, come on.

My mom and dad never took a parenting class.

I'm signing them up for this.

- So if you've ruled out any medical problem

And your child is still wetting the bed,

He may be trying to tell you something.

- He's telling you, "I have to pee."

- So I think we're gonna wrap it up for tonight,

But before we do,

Are there any other questions?

Yes, uh, debra.

- Yeah, um, we have a six-year-old daughter,

And she's a great kid,

But she's been having trouble listening,

And she's been very stubborn lately.

- But that's every kid. - It's not--

- It's just a phase, right?

- Well, this is a perfect opportunity

For you to try some active listening.

- Thank you. We'll try that.

- Wait a second. Wait.

So active listening?

I'm not familiar with that.

- Well, it's encouraging your child

To express herself verbally without influencing her

With your own preconceived notions or opinions.

- Got it. Here we go.

- Why don't we try to illustrate this

With a little role-playing?

Let's have you-- ray, is it?

- No, uh...

Yeah, yeah.

- Ray, why don't we have you come to the front of the class?

- Why don't you go? Why don't you go, deb?

- You'll be fine. Don't be shy.

Now, ray, let's just say that I'm your daughter,

And I refuse to go to visit grandma on her birthday.

- Well, in this case, I happen to know grandma,

And I can't say I blame you.

- Just hypothetically, ray, all right?

Focus.

Now, let's just say, ray,

That you want to get from your daughter

What she's really feeling.

Go ahead.

- Do it.

- Okay.

Daughter...

You have to go to grandma's house.

- I'm not going.

- Uh, well, you have to go.

- I hate when you make me do things!

- [sighs]

Look, I'm not making you go, okay?

It's grandma's birthday.

There aren't gonna be many more of them.

- Oh.

Now, see, I'm gonna stop you just for a second, ray.

Um, you see,

I don't think, at this point,

We need to discuss grandma's mortality.

- What are you doing, ray? Don't--

- I'm playing the game.

- It's not a game-- - it's okay. It's okay.

Ray, if I say to you,

"I hate when you make me do things,"

Perhaps you could acknowledge my feelings

By saying something like,

"you feel you don't have any control over our plans."

You understand?

- That doesn't sound like something I would say.

- Just takes a little practice.

Come on, let's keep going.

- Yeah, let's.

Let's...

- All my friends are going to the park,

But I have to go to some boring party?

- Uh, you think that the party's gonna be boring?

- That's it, ray.

See, you're reflecting her feelings back.

Yes, it's just a bunch of grown-ups

Sitting around an old house.

I want to be with my friends!

- But grandma has that big bowl of coffee nips.

- I don't care, and you can't make me.

- What are you doing? - I'm not going.

- Please get up. Will you get up?

- Why do I have to go?

- Well, I don't know.

- But why?

- Why? Because I said so!

Huh?

That was big when I was a kid.

All right, look, mommy said you got to go.

- Leave mommy out of it, ray. - Thank you.

- Look, you'd better get up, or--

- Or what?

- Or no more tv. - No, ray.

- Okay, or you're going to boarding school.

- Do you always threaten?

- No.

No, sometimes she yells.

- Oh, ray.

- I'm sorry, we've run out of time.

Thank you all for coming.

I'll see you next week.

Ray and debra,

I'd like you to stay after class, please.

I think we need to talk.

- Nice going.

- Oh, what, my fault?

- You raised your hand.

- [laughs]

Chicken.

- [sighs]

Chicken.

- What are you doing?

- We've got homework to do.

- Oh, no, no.

I'm not doing any stinking homework.

- You are the reason we got the homework.

- You're the brownnose who had to ask a question.

- I'm trying to learn here, ray.

What, am I supposed to do these exercises by myself?

- Can you?

- No, you've got to do them with me.

- Come on.

- This time, you be the kid.

It'll be less of a stretch.

- Oh, you think you can take me on?

- Okay, here.

This is perfect.

And you refuse to shovel the snow off the driveway.

- [laughs]

- Uh...

Ray, could you please shovel the--

- No.

- Okay, I understand,

Because shoveling the snow can be hard.

- Yeah, so why did you ask?

- Because, uh, you're a member of this family,

And we help each other.

- Yeah, tough noogies.

- All right, time-out.

- What?

- Time-out.

Are you being ray the little kid

Or ray the big ass?

- I'd like to be both.

- Can we just do the exercise?

- Go ahead.

- Okay.

Um...

Okay, I know that you feel

That making you shovel is unfair.

- Yes, yes, I have to shovel the snow,

I have to take out the garbage,

I have to load the dishwasher

While you're up in bed not sleeping with daddy.

- Well, we all have chores we don't like to do,

But in the future, little ray,

If you feel that you have too much to do,

You just tell me,

And I'll try to make things more even.

So how about that driveway?

- I'm too tired right now.

I win.

- Ray, this isn't about winning or losing.

- Oh, boy, you know who always says that?

The loser.

- I am just trying to do this active listening stuff,

And you are not playing right.

- You're gonna say that to your kid?

- Well, it's just obvious you're trying to screw it up.

- Well, I'm a real little kid.

- Yes, you are, and no tv.

- Aha! See?

- Oh, come on.

- See, no tv. That's all.

See, you couldn't do it either.

- Oh, yes, you are right. You are right.

I just stink.

I just stink at the whole thing.

- Come on.

It'll be okay.

Aw, come on.

- [sniffles]

- I'll shovel the snow.

- It's not that.

It's just that...

When we got home tonight, I tried this stuff on ally,

And it didn't work on her,

And it's not working on you either.

It's just not working.

- Come on.

Don't worry.

It'll be okay.

It's all right.

- I'm flunking the class, ray!

- You're flunking-- I--

Listen, don't worry about the class.

I told you we didn't need a class.

The answer to how to stop plum throwing

Is not in a workbook.

This is a seat-of-the-pants operation here.

- Well, what are we gonna do?

How are we gonna get ally to behave?

- The crying's pretty good.

- Hey.

- Hey, ray, get in on some of this.

- What's she doing, just laying out a buffet now?

- This is supposed to be for the week.

- You'll cook some more.

- Oh?

Go ahead, honey, you look hungry.

I'll heat up the ziti.

- Listen, mom, when you were babysitting,

Did you change the twins' pajamas?

- Yeah, they're over here.

I wanted to treat some of those old spots.

- We have a washing machine, ma.

- Yeah, I know, but stubborn stains need special care.

- Maybe you can take a class on that.

I got to go to grandparenting class at 3:00.

[laughter]

Today we're learning "got your nose"

And "pull my finger."

[laughter]

- Good one, dad.

- Make sure you don't miss the seminar

On moving to florida.

Look, ma, just give me the pajamas, please.

And the ziti.

- Frank, what the hell is this?

- I'm not ready for ice cream yet.

- This is our tax refund check.

It was stuck to the bottom of the ice cream.

You've been on my back for a month,

Telling me that I lost it.

I'm not the one who eats ice cream in this house.

- Oh, you eat ice cream.

- Tofutti. I eat tofutti.

- You tell your friends you eat tofutti,

But then you eat my ice cream.

Take a look at the tofutti.

There's not a dent in the tofutti.

- If I do eat ice cream,

And I'm not saying that I do,

I put it in a bowl like a person,

Not on the table where it gets stuck

To an important check

That somebody accuses me of losing.

- Hey, you know, in class, we were just doing this.

- Why can't you just admit this is your fault?

- Because I don't lose things, frank.

I'm organized.

- Not organized.

Insane.

She's got a shoe box labeled

"pieces of string too small to use."

- That I should tie together into a noose.

- I got a beam all picked out!

- Yeah, I got a step stool for you.

- Wait, wait, just listen here for a second.

Wait.

So, dad, you think mom's being unfair?

- That's right.

It's always my fault when she can't find something.

- Because I work like a dog to keep this place straight,

And he messes it up with all his projects.

- Ice cream's a project?

- So, ma, you think dad's being inconsiderate.

- Have you met your father?

- And what about your consideration?

Do I ever get any thanks

For all the stuff I do around here?

- Like what?

What is it you do?

- Well, didn't I fix the thing?

- That's true, ma, he did.

- So dad's feeling unappreciated.

- That's right.

- Oh, come on.

I don't appreciate you?

- How do I know?

- Evidently dad isn't hearing "thank you."

- Oh, he wants "thank you"?

This isn't "thank you"?

- I guess mom's saying actions speak louder than words.

- That's very good, raymond.

- But sometimes we need to hear the words.

- Yeah, I need words.

- And I don't need words?

- I'm sorry the check got stuck to the chubby hubby.

- You never said that before.

- No one's ever said that before.

- I appreciate you.

- Thanks.

- Holy crap. It works.

[bell dings]

- Ooh, pot roast's ready.

- Oh, great.

I love your mother's pot roast.

- Oh, I'm gonna get an "a" here.

- Careful, it's hot.

- Mm-mmm.

Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm.

- How is it, chi-chi?

- Mmm.

- Chi-chi like.

[laughter]

- What did you do?

- Debra, you're not gonna believe this.

- Why did you do this, ally?

This is terrible.

- Oh, great!

- This is michael's giraffe, and he's crying.

Now, why did you do this?

- 'cause.

- "'cause" is not an answer.

- Active listening.

- Ray, that doesn't work.

- It works.

I just used it on the worst kids in the neighborhood.

- Would you look at this?

Look at this. Look what she did.

- Just try it. Try it.

- Ray!

- You want me to do it? I'll do it.

- No, no, okay.

I'll do it.

Okay.

Ally, let's talk about what you did.

- I don't want to talk.

- Are you feeling angry?

- Reflect back.

- You're angry.

- Yes.

- Okay, but it's not okay

To rip up toys when we're angry.

- Ah-ah-ah, judgmental.

- [sighs]

You are angry because, um...

- Because it used to be your toy.

- Oh, pff!

- Yes.

I don't like michael and geoffrey.

- I see. I see.

You think that mommy and daddy

Pay too much attention to michael and geoffrey.

- Ray, okay, I was handling this.

- They get everything.

- Right, and you're upset

Because we gave them your old giraffe.

- I still liked it.

- But you weren't playing with it.

- But that doesn't matter, though,

Because it was still yours,

And you're mad because we gave it to michael

Without asking you, right?

- Right.

- Well, uh...

Mommy and daddy made a mistake,

And everybody makes mistakes, right, mommy?

- Yes, yes, yes.

- You feel better now, ally?

- Yes. Can I have the giraffe?

- Well, it's broken, honey.

- I know.

I want to try to fix it for michael.

- Oh-ho.

Here, sweetie.

- Thank you, daddy.

- See what I did there?

- Yeah, yeah.

Can't believe it.

It's pretty amazing.

You did it.

- Anything else need taking care of

While I'm around here?

- No.

- What?

What's the matter?

- Nothing with you, obviously.

- Don't go by me.

I'm a natural.

Don't worry, you'll get it.

- Oh, ugh!

Oh, don't act so proud of yourself.

Listen, if I hadn't dragged you to that stupid class,

You'd still be standing there going, "hey, no tv."

- You're feeling inadequate

'cause I mastered it before you.

- Don't give me that active listening crap.

Where do you get off listening to me?

- Never happen again.

- It's chickens eating chickens.

That's why it's funny.

- I...

- Hey, you got any kleenex?

- Don't give him any.

We got five boxes open over there.

- They're all halfway down.

The tissues don't pop up anymore.

You reach in, your hand gets stuck in the box.

- Your hand gets stuck in the box

Because you shove it in like an animal.

- Watch this.

So, ma, you think dad's being wasteful,

And, dad, you think mom's being unreasonable.

- And a nag.

- A nag?

Oh, you bitter, miserable man.

- Why do you think that is?

Why do you think that is, marie?

- I'm sleeping here tonight.

- Good!

[door slams]

- Nice job, professor.

- No tv!