Original subtitles

- There you go. - Thanks.

- Ray barone. - Desmond howard.

Hi, hi. Thanks for the interview.

Congratulations on that super bowl mvp thing.

- Thanks, I saw your article about it.

That was great. - Huh, I wish you were my boss.

- What? He didn't like it?

- Yeah.

- Well, how'd you hand it in?

- I mean, I gave it to him.

- That's it? When you do a good job,

You've got to let them know.

When I do my job well, I let everybody know.

I slow down at the five-yard line--

I start doing a little robot,

Spike the ball,

Everybody's in the crowd feeling it.

- That's showboating.

- No, man, that's sharing the moment.

That's letting the people know you've got something special.

Now, I'm your boss. Give me your article.

[scoffs] mean it this time.

- What do you mean?

- I mean, show me what you got.

- I didn't come with much, really.

- Ray, show me something.

[laughs hysterically]

Or maybe you should just hand it in with a smile.

- Yeah. [laughs]

Hi, I'm ray,

And I live here in long island

With my wife, debra.

She's great with the kids,

The house, everything.

Oh, I don't know how she does it.

We've got a daughter, ally,

And twin two-year-old boys.

It's not really about the kids.

My parents live across the street.

That's right,

And my brother lives with them.

Now, not every family

Would go by on a conveyer belt for you,

But mine would, because--

- Everybody loves raymond.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Hey.

Miss me?

- Uh-huh.

[whispering] I'm not talking to you.

- I'm not talking to you either.

- Yeah, well, you know, it's just that sometimes

I feel like there's not enough time.

Well, yeah, you're right, as always.

Yeah. Oh, well, no.

Thank you for being so understanding.

Okay, bye.

- Who was that? - Shh.

[on radio] you know, it's just that sometimes

I feel like there's not enough time.

- You're on the radio?

- Your husband's not a mind reader, debra.

- Husband?

- Tell him what you need.

- Need?

Thank you for being so understanding.

- And thank you for joining me today

On "it's your problem."

I'm dr. Nora sarazin.

Good night, and remember,

You've got no one to blame but yourself.

- Whoo!

Mmm, hi, honey.

- You're talking about me to some radio shrink?

- Ray, she's one of the most respected psychotherapists

In the country.

I was lucky to get through.

- Well, what did you say to her?

- It's just that I called

Because some other caller was saying

How she didn't feel appreciated--

Some hooker from dallas.

- Wait a minute.

So you don't feel appreciated.

- Well, it's just that we don't get to spend

A lot of time together.

And dr. Nora says that can lead to feeling unappreciated.

- Oh, what the hell is she talking about?

I appreciate you.

By the way, thanks for--

Everything.

- Yeah, you--

[telephone rings]

- Hello.

Oh, yeah, right here.

It's dr. Nora.

- Shut up. Sure.

Hello.

[whispering] ray, it's dr. Nora!

Hi, there.

Uh-huh. [chopping]

Do you have to do that now?

Stop it.

Uh-huh.

Oh, really?

Wow.

That would be terrific. [ice cubes clanking]

Shh!

Yeah. - What?

- Oh, my god.

I am so flattered.

[rustling]

When would that be?

Yeah.

[snap]

Yeah, I think that would be fine.

[snap]

No, it would-- well, listen,

It's great talking to you,

'cause I've been listening to you for years, and--

Yes--okay, well, thank you so much.

Okay, take care. Okay, bye.

Ray! Bags!

Do you know what that was?

Do you know what that was?

- A magical illusion.

- Dr. Nora is coming here.

- Wha-what are you-- get out of here.

Why here?

- She wants to interview me for a book she's doing

On the american family.

- Why you?

- Because she says

I'm part of a vanishing breed:

The housewife.

- I called you that.

You made me sit in the garage.

- Honey, I can't believe she's coming here!

Now, listen.

She means a lot to me.

So you can't be doing all this--stuff, okay?

You got to look like someone I would be with.

- I'm not going to be with you tomorrow

'cause I'm going golfing.

- You have to be here, ray.

- Aww-- - the book's about families.

And listen, she loves to ask really tough questions,

So we got to get our story straight.

- Story straight?

What'd we do, knock over a 7-eleven?

- Okay, now, that's exactly the kind of thing

That is going to kill us,

Your sense of "humor."

- In sports, the international basketball league

Was busy last night--

- Hey, hey, hey, what are you doing?

- Turning off the tv.

You know, in fact, we should move the tv.

This is the focal point of our living room.

- It's the focal point of our lives.

- Ray, just move this into the den, okay?

[doorbell rings]

[gasps] oh, my god, that's her.

No, no, no, no. I'll get it.

I'll get it. I'll get it.

Just, ray, please. All right?

- Please what?

- Just... Please.

- Hello. - Hi!

- Debra?

- Yes. Oh, my god. Come on in.

This is unbelievable.

Ray, this is dr. Sarazin.

- There's no reason to be so formal.

Call me dr. Nora.

- [laughing]

Dr. Nora.

Stupid.

[laughing]

- You have a lovely home. - Oh, thanks.

You know, we're going to repaint this room.

- Too many bad memories here.

[chuckles] - [laughing]

[debra laughs]

- And, uh--well, these are our two boys,

Geoffrey and michael.

- What adorable twins.

- Oh, thank you.

- It is good you dress them differently.

- Well, of course,

Because they're two different people

With different personalities.

And--and this is my daughter, ally.

- Hello!

What are you drawing there, ally?

- Naked barbies.

- Um--honey,

Why don't we draw barbie building something, huh?

- She could still be naked.

- [laughing]

- [laughing] I know.

Isn't he funny?

- Can you go soon?

- Okay, sweetie, it's nap time now, okay?

- You want me to get 'em up?

- Oh, no, I'll get 'em.

I love caring for the children.

You know that.

It's so... Fulfilling.

[cooing] okay, come on.

Come on, ally, let's go.

I'll read you a story, okay?

I'll be just a minute, all right?

And, uh, ray.

Don't--

- Don't what? - Just don't.

- So, ray, what's it like having three children

Under the age of five?

- Well--

I like to tell people it's kind of like a frat house.

Yeah.

Nobody sleeps, everything's broken,

And there's a lot of throwing up.

- Can I quote you?

- Why, you like that?

- Oh, yeah, I do.

- Get back in the crib now!

- Said the mama bear to the three little bears.

She tells great stories, deb.

[knock on door] - ray--

There's a big black car parked in your driveway.

- Yeah, debra's got some company, all right, so--

- You know who drives big black cars?

The feds.

- It's my car.

I'm here to see debra.

- Ooh, wait a minute.

Say something else.

- Hello. I'm dr. Nora.

- Oh, that voice.

Are you dr. Nora?

- That's me.

- Ohh! Oh ho ho!

I can't tell you what a huge fan I am of yours.

You taught me to express myself.

- Thanks a bunch, lady.

- These are the kind of parents

That keep you in business.

- We live right across the street.

- Really?

- How you fixed for pie, ray?

- I take it the boundaries are rather informal.

- Oh, they're rather invisible, really.

- Oh, you and I have a lot in common.

- All right, ma, dr. Nora's got time

To write you one quick prescription,

Then you got to go, okay?

- Oh, I am so glad that debra's seeing someone, you know.

I mean, just between us,

What's wrong with her?

- So you're a radio doctor, huh? - Uh-huh.

- You wouldn't think you'd have to be on the radio

With that figure.

- Frank!

- It's a compliment.

- Yeah, he used to write for hallmark, my father.

- You still don't know how to behave, do you?

- Hey, leave me alone. I'm talking.

- You're not talking; you're embarrassing.

You always do that to me.

Like with lee and stan in the restaurant.

- [singing] I'm not listening anymore, doo-dah, doo-dah

- He does that to try to drown me out.

[singing] oh, frank barone, will you shut up tonight

Shut up tonight

Shut up tonight

[both singing over each other]

Shut up tonight, shut up tonight

- All right, dad, stop it. Mom!

Look, company.

- Ray, come here.

Dr. Nora is here to talk to me,

Not to-- peaches and herb.

- I know. All right.

I'm going to get rid of them.

Don't call my mother herb.

[knock on door]

- Hey.

- Ray--

- Oh, robert!

I want you to meet dr. Nora,

The famous psychologist from the radio.

- Hello!

- Is this about me?

- Um--actually, it's not about any of you.

Dr. Nora is here to talk to me,

So thanks for visiting--

- Oh, debra, I would love if they would stay.

I think they'd add an interesting dimension

To the piece.

- Hey, chips.

- [mumbling] you hear that?

We're interesting.

- And your husband is very funny.

- She's going to quote me.

- Well, you know, actually,

That's why I married him, dr. Nora,

For his sense of humor.

We met when I was doing p.R. For a hockey team.

And I know what you're going to say.

"oh, a woman in hockey?"

But actually, um, it wasn't as--um--

I--well--

I'm not sure if that's the, uh,

Kind of information that you're looking for.

Would you like me to get right to our sex life?

- Excuse me.

Are you very nervous right now,

Or do you do that all the time?

- Do what?

[door opens]

- Hey.

[door closes]

Hmm-mm.

All right, I'm no expert in body language, but--

Stop yelling.

- Dr. Nora was supposed to be here for me,

Not your family, and by the end,

She didn't even know I was in the room.

- Sure, she did.

Who did she think was bringing her all that--pie?

Look, of course she was interested in them.

Some shrinks got to go to 40 institutions

To find all the action she found in that room today.

- Yeah, she was pretty interested

In you too, huh?

- And me--

Little bit.

I think she was very impressed

With my weekly underwear schedule.

Huh? Eight years.

Eight years you made fun of me.

Come on.

- Dr. Nora thought I was boring.

- Look, you're not boring.

You're--normal.

All right? That's good.

I prayed for normal every night.

Then I'd fall asleep

To the sound of my brother naming his toes.

There was, uh, fat tony,

Jimmy the weasel,

Billy, stretch, and tastes bad.

- [sighs]

I was so excited that dr. Nora was coming here,

But there's no way I could follow

The dysfunctional family circus.

- Well, you should've went on before them.

Look, maybe if you'd been yourself,

Dr. Nora would've been more interested.

Why did you go put on a big act for her?

- Because I am boring!

There's, you know, nothing about me

That's--you know, like, quirky

Or funny, or interesting.

What are you doing?

- Um, there's a little left in there.

Sorry.

- No, see, that's exactly my problem.

I don't do that.

- Do what? - Lick the bowl!

I mean, that's the kind of great weird stuff

You freakin' guys do all the time.

- What? What do you mean, this? You could do this.

You--come on.

Come on.

Come on.

Come to the dark side.

Come on.

Lick the bowl.

"I won't hurt you.

I'm just a bowl, that's all."

All right, we'll work on it.

- Look, ray, just tell me something, okay?

Do you think that I'm--

Thank you very much for your answer, ray.

- Oh, come on. I didn't say anything.

Come on, deb.

Deb--

- Ally, want some chocolate milk?

Yeah? Yeah.

Ally, how did you think of that?

- It's easy.

- Guess you just have to be a blood relative.

- Hello, dear.

- Hi.

- Oh, what's for dinner?

- Just turkey dogs.

- Turkey dogs?

What an interesting choice.

- Well, I have them every week.

- That's totally, uh, insane.

- What?

- What he means is

You've got some imagination there, debra.

- Where are you going, honey?

- Can I be excused?

- Well, you didn't finish your hot dog.

- It tastes like chocolate milk.

- Okay.

- Isn't she marvelous with the kids, huh?

So, uh, offbeat.

- So--debra. Hi.

- Hi.

- Oh, look.

You're wearing slippers and socks at the same time.

That's--that is so unique and different.

- Okay. All right.

You can all stop now. I get it.

- Stop what?

- Trying to make me feel like I'm interesting.

It's a very nice effort, but it's a little transparent.

- What's she talking about?

- That's that imagination again.

- All right already.

- Hey, honey. What's up?

- Guess what, ray.

Your family came over

To convince me that I'm fascinating.

- What do you mean? All at once?

Not one at a time,

Which would be the smart, subtle way?

- You know, when you're feeling really bad about yourself,

There's nothing to make you feel better

Than being patronized.

Thank you very much, ray.

- You're welcome.

What did you do? What did you do?

- Well, we tried to do what you said,

But she didn't give us much to work with.

- Socks and slippers.

- Okay, I'm very boring!

Yes, I know.

I'm very boring, okay?

- Oh, honey, I would never call you boring.

You--you--you just lack a certain--

- Flair!

- Flair, like all of you have.

- Well, your dr. Nora seems to think so.

- Yeah, she's sending a photographer over

To take our picture.

- All right, stop helping out. Thanks.

- No, no, that's okay.

They're right. I'm not interesting.

I don't have flair.

I mean, maybe I would have flair if I, uh--

Oh, barged into people's houses 50 times a day going, uh,

"oh, what's that, dear?

"oh, frosting in a can. [chuckling]

So much easier than homemade."

Yeah, yeah, or what about,

"I smelled something questionable

"in the refrigerator.

Ooh, ooh, it's gotten worse."

[frank and robert chuckling]

- She's doing you.

- Maybe this is more interesting, huh?

"how you fixed for pie, sweetheart?"

- Take it easy, huh? Stop it.

- [singing] I'm not listening anymore

Doo-dah, doo-dah

- She's very good, I'm telling you.

- She's very good.

You're very interesting too. That's all.

- How about this for some fascinating behavior, huh?

Yeah.

"oh, gee. Never ends for raymond.

"hmm. No. You're a lucky man, raymond.

Lucky man."

No, no. Oh, no, no.

Everybody loves raymond.

Everybody just loves raymond.

Everybody loves raymond.

Everybody just loves raymond.

- Do me now.

- Got the aspirin. - Oh, thanks.

- Feeling better?

- I think I popped something.

Don't worry, though.

I'll go over in the morning and apologize, all right?

- You can go over there, but don't apologize.

Just do the act again.

They loved you, huh?

You were afraid you were boring.

- Yeah, but, I mean, that wasn't me, ray.

That was them.

Nothing funny about me to imitate, you know.

- What are you talking about?

Here, I'll do you.

"ray, get off of me.

It's not your birthday."

I'm kidding, all right?

You don't say that-- exactly.

- Ray, you just, you know, you don't know what it's like

To go through your whole life just--normal.

- You don't get it. You got to be normal.

I mean, look at all of us.

We need a normal one.

- God, that's true.

- That's why I married you.

Hey, you know what?

You are weird.

- Oh, you're just saying that to be nice.

- No. Uh-uh. Listen.

Why would any normal person

Put up with us for as long as you have?

- I don't know.

- That--that's right.

I was born into this family.

I'm stuck with them, but--

What kind of weirdo would choose to be one of us?

There's something wrong with you.

- You know, you really think so?

You think something's wrong with me?

- Well, of course. Look at you.

How could you explain it?

- Yeah, I think you're right.

I'm really weird. - You're weird.

You're a sick, twisted individual.

- Really twisted, yeah.

Ray--

- Give yourself some credit. - Yeah.

- Hey, you know, you imitated everybody today except me.

- I can't do you.

- Come on. - No, I can't.

- Go ahead. Give it a try.

- "ohh, no--

"honey, there's something wrong with the shower."

"get out of here."

"ooh, my rash is back."

- You know, it isn't funny if it hurts the other person.

You know that.