Original subtitles

- All right, tommy, you know, I've been trying

To get you to come over here for years,

Just to try my sauce.

It's the only thing I make, really.

- Yeah, well, I got a lot more time now.

You know, this is my whole life lately.

I go to friends' houses and taste their food.

To me, it's more relaxing than managing.

- Here. Here you go.

What do you think of that?

- You made this sauce? - Yeah, yeah.

It's my mother's recipe.

- I got to tell you, it's a little bush league.

Come on over here.

- What are you talking about?

- Well, it needs more seasoning.

Okay, put a little hot pepper in it.

All right, now let me see you stir.

- Oh, you know, I just stir.

- Hey, look at the way you're holding the spoon.

Choke up on it a little.

Okay, get your head down, all right.

Bend your knees, follow through,

And give me some more stirring power,

And get your elbow up.

- I thought you just wanted to relax.

- Hey, keep your eye on the sauce.

Rookies.

- Hi, I'm ray,

And I live here in long island

With my wife, debra.

She's great with the kids,

The house, everything.

Oh, I don't know how she does it.

We've got a daughter, ally,

And twin two-year-old boys.

It's not really about the kids.

My parents live across the street.

That's right,

And my brother lives with them.

Now, not every family

Would go by on a conveyer belt for you,

But mine would, because--

- Everybody loves raymond.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- [gasp]

God, ray, what is that?

- Oh, no.

It's coming from my parents' house.

My father put in one of those new motion-sensor lights.

- God, it's like the mother ship is landing.

- I told them not to make it so sensitive.

A moth probably flew by.

Let's see what's out there.

- What do you see?

- I think I saw my own retina.

- What's your father doing?

- His stupid car is on the street,

Is going to keep people from stealing it.

- Well, why doesn't he just get a car alarm?

[car alarm sounds]

[buzz saw revving]

- Your father is driving me nuts, ray.

Did you call him?

- Nobody's answering.

They're probably deaf by now.

Why is he woodworking at 7:30 in the morning?

- Because some genius gave him the big book of hobbies.

So he'd stop coming over here and annoying us.

- Yeah, so now he's--

[buzz saw revs]

So now he's--

[revving] so now he's--

[revving]

Good idea, ray!

- You had to give him the big book of hobbies.

I'm going upstairs to take a nap.

[revving]

Oh, god, it's loud here too.

- What'd you do to your nose, robert?

- Dad's car alarm woke me up last night.

I ran outside to turn it off,

Forgot we had an oak tree.

Thank you very much, raymond.

- How is your nose my fault?

- If dad hadn't turned his garage into a workshop,

He wouldn't have to park on the street,

And he wouldn't need a car alarm

That goes off every time I blow my nose,

Which now, thanks to you, involves blood.

I'm a cop.

I need my sleep.

- Hey, I'm a working man too, you know?

- Oh, yeah. Sportswriter. Tough job.

A lot of shoot-outs at the computer?

- Did you talk to your mom, robert?

- Well, since dad's in the garage all day,

I'm the only one she has to talk to.

At least the buzz saw has an off switch.

- What are you doing in your pajamas?

- Oh, dad, it's a little early for woodworking, isn't it?

- Not for me.

I've never felt so alive.

You know the satisfaction

Of doing something with your own two hands?

- I'm imagining it right now.

- I love the big book of hobbies.

The best gift you ever gave me.

Oh, oh, hey, where's the drill?

- In the garage.

- Great, great. Thanks.

[humming "ride of the valkyries"]

[telephone rings] - oh, oh!

- Hello.

Oh, hi.

It's ruth green from two doors down.

[clears throat] yeah?

Oh, yeah, we heard the sawing too.

[frank humming loudly]

Uh-huh. Yeah, that's him singing.

Uh-huh.

Oh.

Okay, well, I'll discuss it with ray.

Yeah.

Thanks for calling, ruth. Bye-bye.

Oh, great.

Now the neighbors want to come over here tonight

To discuss your parents.

- Discuss my parents?

- This is so embarrassing.

She actually said, "your family,"

Like I have anything to do with it.

- Who are these people to discuss my parents?

- I should have kept my maiden name.

- I don't want them here.

I don't want them over at the house.

- You know what, ray?

I don't think it's such a bad idea.

I mean, you got to admit,

Your father's been making a lot of noise,

And your mother is bit of a meddler.

- They're not so bad

That we have to have a meeting.

What are they going to do,

Come over with torches and pitchforks?

- No, they just want to come over

To discuss the problem,

And you got to admit there's a problem.

I mean, they wouldn't have to be calling a meeting

If the whole thing hadn't gotten completely intolerable.

Just want to come over to ask for our help,

And I think the least we can do

Is listen to what they have to say.

- Look, I don't think a meeting is necessary, really.

- Okay. - Look me in the eye right now.

I don't think we have to do this,

But you know what? I'll do this for you.

- Thanks. - Okay.

- Look, we all want to live in peace and friendship,

And, ray and debra, you've always been good neighbors.

- Thank you. I just--

- I was talking.

And so, since you two are so close to the problem,

We were hoping that maybe you could get through to them.

- Okay, all right. I understand.

You're talking about the noise:

The car alarm, the buzz saw, my mom.

I'm going to handle it, okay?

Good meeting. Thank you very much.

You know, take some cookies. My mom made those.

They're pretty good.

- Well, there's more to it than just the noise, ray.

- Oh.

- You know your father's leaf blower?

Last week, he blew everything

From his lawn onto mine,

Including a dead chipmunk.

- You're right.

Nobody should blow rodents around.

- And your mother accepts my packages,

And then she neglects to inform me.

- Yeah, you're mad now,

But when one of those babies explodes,

You're going to thank her, huh?

- We're very serious, ray.

We hope that you will talk to your parents

About all these things

Because we don't want to have to go to the--extreme.

- I don't get it. What are you talking about?

- We could initiate legal action

And try to get your parents out of the neighborhood.

- Is that possible?

No. I--

I'm just asking a question.

- Nobody really wants that to happen.

I--I mean, they're older people.

Where would they go?

- Florida.

- What are you doing?

- It's warm in florida.

- Yeah, all right, listen, let's back up here a second.

They--they make a little noise,

And they can be a little-- irksome sometimes,

But come on, let's look at their good points too.

They recycle.

They're not cannibals.

- I didn't want to have to show this,

But--I have a tape.

- They are cannibals?

- This is your father getting his morning paper.

- You're videotaping my father?

- I shot this over the course of several mornings.

There it is.

Exhibit "a."

- Ooh!

- Is that a tattoo?

- No.

All: Eww!

- Look at what your father made.

Oh, hi!

- Isn't this a beauty?

Ooh.

Ooh!

[chuckling] hey. Whoops!

Little, uh-- porno party.

- Come on outside, dad. Show me where this goes.

Come on, help me to put it up in the tree.

- Who's the fat ass?

- Frank.

- Holy crap.

What the hell is going on here?

- Nothing.

We're just having a few laughs, you know.

- Uh, the truth is that certain people around here

Have some complaints about you.

- Which certain people? - Them.

- Marie, this is not what it looks like.

- It looks like my son is plotting against us

And serving my cookies.

You're serving my cookies at your rally?

- You took sides against the family.

- Dad, I was defending you.

- Against the family!

- Dad, it's not--

- I want the tape.

Give me the tape.

- All right, take it easy, mom.

- How do you work these damn machines?

- All right, easy, ma. I'll do it.

- Ooh, I hate these damn machines.

- Ma, don't pull the plug.

- How could you?

- Ma.

Okay, that went well.

- Debra.

Debra.

Debra.

- What?

What is the matter?

- I can't sleep. - Why not?

- My dad's car alarm.

- It's not going off.

- Exactly.

I-I can't stand it.

It's just-- it's too quiet over there.

- Maybe I can help you, ray.

Whoo, whoo, whoo!

Wee-ooh, wee-ooh, wee-ooh!

Good night.

- That didn't help.

I still hear my own guilt.

- Oh, ray, you have nothing to be guilty of.

You didn't do anything.

I had a rally against my parents in my own house.

Didn't you see them? They were really hurt.

My mother was running with the vcr.

- Honey, I know. Look, I mean, I felt bad too,

But maybe that's the only way to get through to them.

- I hurt them.

[thump]

I hurt myself.

- Ray, you've got nothing to feel guilty for.

As a matter of fact, you were defending them.

- Oh, that doesn't matter.

Guilt is just a way of life for me.

I was trained by masters.

My mother, my father, the pope.

- [sighs]

Listen. Just enjoy the quiet, okay?

Go to sleep.

- Wee-ooh, wee-ooh.

Hello.

Hello.

What's this?

They killed themselves,

And robert made 'em into sandwiches.

Hi.

- Hello.

- Listen.

I know you're hurt,

But there's something you should understand.

We didn't plan that meeting, you know.

The neighbors just came over.

- We're not hurt, dear.

The neighbors were right.

- Right? - Mm-hmm.

- Hey, we're not perfect.

- What?

- We just didn't know how our behavior affected others.

These people around here are very nice.

- So everything's okay with you?

- Yes.

- Water under the bridge.

- Well, good.

I'm glad you feel that way.

I thought you might still be upset.

You know, that meeting was supposed to be constructive.

- And it was.

- Very constructive.

- So you're not mad at the--

- We really don't have anything more to say, ray.

- Oh.

Hey, you got some big sandwiches here.

- Oh, I'm sorry, dear.

That's for the neighbors.

- The neighbors are coming over?

- Yeah, it's the least we could do

For all the trouble we've caused.

- Since when do you care about the trouble?

[knocking on door]

- Oh, there they are. Hi.

Hi. - Hi.

- Oh, welcome, welcome.

Hi, how are you doing?

- Ooh, champagne. That's fabulous.

- Hi, hi, hi. Oh, wow, thanks a lot.

- Wait a minute, wait a minute.

You're all friends now?

- Here's the ice.

- Oh, darling, fabulous.

- Great job, son. Great job.

- Thanks for stopping by, ray.

[overlapping conversations]

- Can't sleep, huh?

- It's in the bible. Honor thy mother.

- What about the father?

- Okay, him too.

- I didn't do anything.

- Ray!

- I'm coming.

I know, I know.

- Oh, hi. Sorry, father.

I thought this was the confessional.

- This is the confessional.

- Well, where's the-- the booth with the--

The kneeler and the sliding window

Through which you can't see me?

- You haven't been here in awhile, have you?

- About 20 years.

I've been good.

- Well. [clears throat]

Would you like to have a seat?

- Oh, I start, right? I start, okay.

Uh--

Bless me, father, for I have sinned.

It's been-- well, you know,

A long time since my last confession.

Let's see.

I've cursed--

About 90,000 times,

Ate a lot of meat on fridays.

- Oh, we abolished that rule a long time ago.

- Wow, you guys are changing everything.

- Now what--what really brings you here after 20 years?

- All right, the thing is,

I think I broke one of the commandments,

The one about honor thy father and thy mother.

- Really?

- That's bad, huh?

- I just don't get that one a lot--

At least not from someone in your age group.

You're more in the "covet thy neighbor's wife"

Phase of life.

- You know, it's not that I don't love

My mother and my father.

It's just that it's very hard to honor them.

- Oh.

You're trying to put them in a home.

- No, no, no.

Wanted to throw them out of the neighborhood,

And even though I was defending them

And the neighbors are okay now,

I just-- I still feel guilty.

- It doesn't sound like you did anything wrong.

- Well, then how come I feel so lousy?

- Maybe your guilt's coming from a deeper place.

- What do you mean?

- How do you feel about your parents?

- What are you saying?

Are you saying that maybe I feel this way

Because deep down, I think the neighbors are right?

That part of me wants to throw them

Out of the neighborhood too?

That--that they've been just driving me crazy my whole life?

Is that--that's what you're saying, isn't it?

- We all have these kinds of feelings from time to time.

You know, there was a man

On our church council a few years ago,

A decent enough fellow but a bit abrasive,

Oblivious to anyone else's feelings.

I wanted to get him out of my hair.

I used to fantasize about him converting to judaism.

One day I said, "frank, I think that--"

- Wait a minute. His name was frank?

- Uh, that's unimportant. The point--

- Frank barone?

- You know frank barone?

- He's my father.

- Your parents are frank and marie barone?

- Yes.

- You're absolved.

- What?

- Our lord forgives your thoughts.

- Yeah? Really?

Are you-- you're sure?

- Well, I could look it up, but I'm almost positive.

- Oh, man. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you, father.

This is, uh, this is great.

Let me ask you something.

Would I be wrong to let them know how I feel?

That I'm--I'm just sick and tired of being manipulated

And treated like a child,

And I'm just not going to let 'em do it anymore.

- Are you going to take the name of the lord in vain when you do?

- No. - Then go with god.

- Oh, boy. You, uh, you guys.

You're great. You're great.

You guys are great.

I'm going to tell all my friends about you.

Really.

All right, mom and dad,

Listen up here, all right.

I don't care what you think about me.

This has been a long time coming.

I'm going to say it right now, and you're going to hear it.

- Say what you want to say, ray.

We're listening.

- Well?

- Listen--

I'm sorry.

- He said it!

Oh, raymond.

- Good thing. You did the right thing.

- That's all we ever wanted to hear, honey.

That's all any parent ever wants from a child.

- Constant apology. Right.

- Good to have you back, ray. We missed you.

- Are you hungry, honey?

- Yeah, yeah, I'm hungry. - Oh, good, good, good.

- Hey, robert, uh, this is ray's chair.

There you go. Go on, sit down.

The old-- the old chair.

- All right. Here we go.

- Here you go.

Mangez, mangez.

- I can understand why it bothers you.

But it's quite normal

To have thoughts about your parents dying.

- Did I mention the part about the sandwiches?