Original subtitles

- The forecast: Cloudy skies with flurries today.

We can expect up to an inch of snow

And a high of only 30...

- [sighs]

Come on. Deb!

- What?

- I can't see. I hate this side of the bed.

I can't see the tv from here.

- What do you mean? You picked that side.

- I didn't know it was going to be my side for life.

I got to watch tv with a big foot

In the middle of the screen.

Come on, I'm trying to get the weather.

I can only get from Wednesday over.

- Do you want to switch sides?

- What, after seven years?

I'll be all out of whack over there.

- Maybe you'll do better with your next wife.

- My next wife isn't going to have feet.

That's right.

I'll be able to watch the tv,

And I'll never have to go dancing.

Hi, I'm ray.

I live here in long island

With my wife, debra,

My five-year-old daughter,

And twin almost-two-year-old boys.

My parents live across the street.

That's right.

The truth is, I'd do anything for my family.

And done.

Oh, no.

Debra!

Honey!

Somebody call my father!

I'm hyperventilating!

- Yeah, it's a charity drive, linda.

Hmm-mm, yeah, we'll take anything you want to get rid of.

Ah, no, not him.

[doorbell rings]

Hang on. Hey, ray, can you get that please?

- I'm all boxed in over here.

[toy clacking and squeaking]

[doorbell rings] - coming.

What are the twins doing?

- They're playing. They're playing.

Michael thinks he's in a car,

And geoffrey just thinks he's in a box.

The kid's got no imagination.

- Hey! - Hey.

Brought some stuff over for the church drive.

- Oh, great. - It's a little heavy.

- Thanks, robert. That's sweet. What is it?

- My weight set.

- You're not working out anymore?

- No, I'm losing some of my flexibility.

Having trouble shampooing.

That's a lot of stuff here.

- Yeah.

- A lot of ugly stuff.

Who would buy this?

- You bought it for me.

- Oh.

How come you never wear it?

- Hey, raymond. You're giving this away?

- What is it?

Oh, my god. Debra, what are you doing?

- What? It's just an old baseball.

- Just a baseball? Just a baseball.

I've had this thing for 25 years.

This is my autographed mickey mantle ball.

- Oh, debra.

- Sorry.

I mean, so mickey mantle signed it.

I mean-- - "so?"

"so."

This is like having a bible signed by--

[mumbling] - yeah.

It's exactly the same. - That's right.

My dad got me this when I was ten.

Remember? - Yeah, I remember.

You got mickey mantle. I got art shamsky.

- And you wanted art shamsky.

- Hey, he homered his first major league at bat.

Then after that, right into the dumper.

- He could still become famous.

- Yeah, if he shoots someone famous.

- I haven't thought about this ball in years.

[knocking at door]

- Hi, ray.

- Hey. - Mistletoe.

- Oh.

I'm not kissing you, buddy. You're all hands.

- You used to love that about me.

What's with all the boxes?

- Oh, uh--

Oh, this is my stuff.

Deb and I, uh--

It ain't happening.

- That's too bad. - Yeah.

- Mind if I call her?

- It's a charity drive for the needy, andy.

- Oh, great. What can I have?

- Yeah, it's not for the emotionally needy.

- Andy, I ever show you that?

That's my mickey mantle.

- Wow!

You met the mickela?

- No. No, my dad got it for me.

Pretty incredible, huh?

- Yeah, if mickey really signed it.

- What are you talking about?

- Didn't you see that thing on "60 minutes"?

All this signed stuff is, like, 70% fake.

Like, back then, the trainers would sign all the balls.

- Yeah. You know, I saw that.

Oh, raymond. This may not be real.

That's a shame.

- Yeah, right.

Dad got this for me himself, all right?

- Maybe morley safer's wrong.

- [chuckling]

Hey, andy, want to go for a slice?

- Sure. You in, ray?

- No, no, go ahead. You guys go.

- All right. Come on, peppy.

- Hey, listen.

Andy, can I borrow that mistletoe?

I want to break the ice with a woman in homicide.

- You okay, ray?

- What if they're right? What if he didn't sign this?

- Come on, ray.

I don't even remember you ever looking at that ball.

It's been buried in the closet since we moved here.

- No, not buried. Tucked away.

You don't-- you don't get it.

Mickey mantle signed this to me.

"to ray."

Ray.

Then he wishes me luck.

Good luck.

Then he signs it.

"mickey mantle."

Look at that, look how the "y" in the "ray"

Is the same as the "y" in the "mickey."

You know, for one moment,

The greatest player that I ever saw

Was thinking about me.

I know it sounds stupid, but this guy--

This guy's the reason that I'm a sportswriter.

This guy--

This guy's... Mickey mantle.

- Gee, that's beautiful, ray.

It's very passionate.

Do you remember what you said to me when you proposed?

"so how 'bout it?"

- Why do you insist on making this car wreck

Our christmas tree every year?

I mean, I want a real tree.

- An artificial tree saves water,

Saves the forest, and saves the planet.

I'm a conservationist.

- You're cheap.

- All right, I'm saving money.

- Oh! I hate this thing.

- Fine, then there'll be nothing under it for you.

- Like I need another totes umbrella.

Hey, ray darling! - Hi.

- Merry christmas!

- Hey, hey, merry christmas. Merry christmas.

Okay.

Oh.

Did rockefeller center

Turn it down again this year?

It's a shame. Here, ma.

Debra says thanks for the clothes.

- What clothes?

- Oh, it's your junk,

Like that ratty, moth-eaten gray sweater.

- Moth-eaten?

Marie, I love that sweater.

And I don't want to see any wild-eyed weirdo

Marching around in my clothes!

- Welcome to my world, frank.

- Holidays are a very stressful time for your mother.

How are things at your house?

- Yeah, we're busy. We're busy too.

As a matter of fact,

We were cleaning things out this morning,

And look what I found.

Remember this?

- Oh, hey, look at that.

God, I remember when I brought this home for you.

What were you, like, ten?

You ran all around the neighborhood

Showing it to the other kids, right?

- Yeah, so--

So mickey mantle really signed it?

- Who told you that?

- You. You did.

- Oh. - Wh--

Wait. Mickey mantle didn't sign this ball?

This isn't real?

- It's a real ball.

- I don't believe this.

So you never met him.

- No.

What's the matter with you?

- No, nothing, nothing.

- It looks like I'm the only normal one here.

- How could my father do this?

He knew what that ball meant to me.

- Ray, I'm sure it wasn't intentional.

He probably didn't even think about it.

- Yeah, yeah, that's right.

He just thought it was okay to lie to his kid.

- Look, everybody does that sometimes.

- No, no. I don't.

- Oh, no?

What about, "no, kids, that's not a store.

That's a toy museum"?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- And my favorite one is,

"uh, daddy's just teaching mommy how to wrestle."

- Yeah, that's my favorite one too.

But no more. No more.

I'm not going to lie to my kids anymore.

- Yes, you will, ray.

- No, no, I will not. Uh-uh.

I'm not going to do to them what my father did to me.

From now on, only the truth.

When my kids look back at me,

I want them to be able to say,

"okay, I'm all screwed up from that guy,

But he didn't lie."

- What a lovely thought for our children, ray.

- Can I have this dolly, daddy?

- No, no, honey.

We're going to give these toys

To other kids for christmas, okay?

- But you said santa brings all the toys.

- I said santa?

- Doesn't he, daddy?

Daddy?

- Daddy?

- Would you mind repeating the question?

- Doesn't santa bring all the toys?

- To be honest-- - don't you dare.

- What, daddy?

- Who wants cookies, huh?

- Tell me about santa, daddy.

- Well...

The answer, I think, honey,

Comes down to the basic nature of reality.

Okey-dokey?

No.

Honey...

I don't know how to tell you this, but--

Ah!

- Of course santa brings all the toys, honey.

We're just going to be santa's helpers

Because he has so much to carry this year,

And he's out of shape.

- Oh, that's nice.

- Yeah, so listen, honey,

Why don't you just go and play with your toys

From last year,

And I'm going to have a nice long talk with your daddy

About the nature of his reality, okay?

God. - Okay, here we go.

- How could you do that to her?

- What? I didn't do anything.

- Oh, you were about to.

Ray, I know you're upset with your father,

But how can you think about outing santa?

- Well, would you rather she heard it on the streets?

- Oh, please.

- I'm sorry to have to do this, debra,

But frank is absolutely insisting

He get his ratty old sweater back,

Which is probably the best thing

That ever happened to the needy.

- Go, take it.

- Uh-oh.

What's the matter?

- Nothing. Nothing. Nothing's the matter.

- No, nothing at all,

Except ray was just about to tell ally the truth

About santa claus.

- You what? - Oh, I didn't tell her.

- My own son an atheist?

- I'm not an atheist, ma.

I just--I don't believe in lying to my kids.

- Oh, stop being foolish.

Now, you go right in there

And tell ally all about santa claus

And his flying reindeer and his sled

And all the rest of that malarkey.

- I don't think that that's the right thing.

- Oh, what's the matter with you?

- Nothing's the matter.

I'm just-- I'm protecting her.

- Oh, protecting her from what?

We didn't have that santa claus discussion

Until you were 14 years old.

- Yeah, well, I knew about santa when I was 8.

Why'd you wait till I was 14 for?

- Well, your father wanted to cover sex and santa all at once,

Sort of get it over with.

- Don't think that hasn't had repercussions.

- Here you go, marie. - Oh, thanks, honey.

Listen, ally is five years old, you scrooge.

Of course we lie.

We all lie.

That's what holds us all together.

So you go in and lie to your daughter,

And I'll go home and feed the man I love.

- Ray, come on.

Are you still thinking about that baseball?

- No.

No, I'm thinking about a lot of things now.

- Like what?

- Remember that guy that you went out with before me,

Eric butterpants?

- [laughs]

- Eric butterman, ray.

- Yeah, oh, so you do remember him.

- Yeah. What about him?

- You always said to me

That you were glad that he broke up with you

Because otherwise you would have never met me.

- Yeah. So?

- So if he had never broken up with you,

Would you have been gladder?

- You are really crazy. You know that?

- No. No, no, no. How do I know?

How do I know that I'm the one you wanted to end up with?

- Here's a hint, ray: Our three kids.

- Yeah. Yeah, our three blond kids.

- Oh.

I think that's the baseball talking.

- How can I be sure of anything?

- So what are you saying?

You don't believe in anything anymore?

- That's right, unless I see it with my own eyes.

- Ho, ho, ho! Merry christmas!

Is ally here?

I understand there are doubts about me

In this house.

- There are now.

Come on, robert. - No, no.

You have me mistaken for some other party,

For I am the jolly old saint nick.

Ho, ho, ho, ho!

Mom told me what you did. Nice.

- Hey, ally, look, it's santa claus.

- Oh, god.

- Santa?

- Yes, it is really I,

And I came to see you, ally,

Because I heard you were a very good girl this year,

And you're going to get everything you want,

Unlike some other people.

Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.

- All right, hold the "ho"s, okay?

I want to talk to you for a minute, santa.

- I'm sorry. I'm with a client.

And you may call me mr. Claus.

Ho, ho, ho, ho!

- Where's ally?

Ho, ho!

Holy crap!

What are you doing here?

- I'm santa claus. - You're santa?

- All right, all right. Will you guys cut it out?

Come on; she's confused enough already.

- What's to be confused about?

I'm the real santa.

Who is this impostor?

- Well, you couldn't both be santa.

You must be santa's helpers.

- Right. He's my helper.

- Hey, helper, why don't you warm up the reindeer

And bring the sled around?

- I bet you can't even name the reindeer.

- Whoa! Oh!

Rudolph.

Uh, donner.

Blitzen.

Those are the main ones.

We rotate them so they wear evenly.

Uh, cupid.

Ajax.

And lefty.

- Aha! Now we know the truth.

Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho!

- It's uncle robert.

- No, no, little one.

I've only assumed the body

Of a life-form that you would accept.

- Robert, you're santa, not a klingon.

- And that's grandpa.

- That's very good, ally. This is grandpa.

Okay, guys, you couldn't fool her, okay? Come on.

- Pulling the beard off santa claus.

The nerve of this guy.

- If you want to do some good,

Go work the corner with a bucket.

- Just for that, no toys.

- Why did they do that?

- Oh, honey, it's just because

Grandpa and uncle robert love you so much,

And they just want you to have a wonderful christmas.

- Oh.

- That's good. You think she's better off now?

- Oh, they were just trying to help, ray.

- Yeah, let them help by paying her shrink bills, huh,

When she's having nightmares about two santas

And a reindeer named lefty.

- Hey, ray.

- Dad, do me a favor

And don't come over and make up stories to ally, okay?

- Come on. I'm a grandfather.

That's what I do.

I tell stories.

It's in the manual.

- Like you told me stories, right, dad?

- What is it?

- You know how much this thing meant to me?

- Oh, come on, ray. It's only a ball.

- Yeah, you're right, dad. You're right.

That's all it is now.

- What's the matter with you?

- Do you know how much it meant to me

To have a mickey mantle?

And what did you do?

You brought home a fake.

- What--what was I supposed to do?

I didn't know mickey mantle,

And you wanted his autograph.

So I went back for five games,

And I stood by the stadium door,

And mantle never came out.

- So you just got some trainer to sign it.

- No.

I signed it myself.

- You signed it?

- Yeah, I knew how much you wanted the thing,

So I practiced his signature over and over.

[chuckles] not a bad job, huh?

You know, if I could have gotten hold

Of the mick's checkbook,

We'd be having this discussion on a yacht.

- Why didn't you just tell me the truth?

- Ah, I didn't want you to be disappointed.

You're my kid.

I don't blame you for being ticked off.

I'm sorry I signed it.

What are you doing?

- I want it now.

- You--you--

You--you mean that even though you know

That ball's a fake, it still means something to you?

- Yeah. Yeah, dad.

- Then this christmas...

You're going to love the rolex I got you.

- [softly] ho, ho, ho.

Ho, ho, ho.

Ally.

[thump]

Ho, ho, ho.

- Santa?

- Hi, ally.

- You must be the real one.

- Well...

I know how much that you believed in me,

And I just wanted to come by and say

Thanks for the support.

- You're welcome.

- I have to go now. I have to, uh,

Fill all the stockings and eat all the cookies

And--in general,

This is one of my busiest nights of the year.

- Will you tuck me in, santa?

- Yeah, sure, I'll tuck you in.

Anything else that you need?

A drink of water?

Trip to the bathroom?

- No, thank you.

- Okay, then.

Sweet dreams...

Always.

- Santa? - Yeah?

- See you next year.

- Okay.

Bye-bye.

[thump] oh, fu--

[singing] la-la la-la

La-la la-la la la la--

[banging and clattering]