Original subtitles

- Deb, look at this.

I was working out, I was doing some power crunches,

And I found this lump here.

This is something. This is something here.

This is not-- oh, I got another one.

Oh, it's a set. That's okay; I'm all right.

Don't worry about it.

- [sighs] freak.

- Hi, I'm ray.

I live herein long island

With my wife, debra;

My five-year-old daughter;

And twin almost-two-year-old boys.

My parents live across the street.

That's right.

The truth is, I'd do anything for my family.

And done.

- About thanksgiving.

- Yeah, what about it?

- Well, I was thinking, aren't you tired

Of going to our parents' houses every year?

- Yeah. Yeah. The witness protection program.

We go underground this year.

- Here. Hold this.

I was thinking that instead of alternating

Between their houses,

We could just have thanksgiving here.

- No. Here? No. No. - Why?

- Witness protection program. Come on.

You're going to miss some people,

But you'll make a lot of friends when you're blonde.

- Listen, you know, we're a family,

And I kind of want to have our own tradition, you know?

When the kids remember thanksgiving,

I want them to think of our celebration.

- Yeah, but it's supposed to be at my mom's this year.

- Yeah?

- She doesn't handle change well, huh?

Remember the great microwave wars of '93?

- She survived them.

They'll just come over here.

- Yeah, but my mom-- my mom's such a great cook.

Thanksgiving, that's what kind of makes my mom

Worth it.

- You saying I'm not a great cook?

- No!

But you're always worth it.

See, that's called a quick save right there.

- Yeah.

- Come on, you don't want to do all that--

All that cooking and the shopping and the cleaning.

- Oh, yeah, what a change of pace that would be.

[knocking at door]

- Smell your father.

- What? - Would you stop?

- Smell your father.

What does he smell like?

- A summer breeze?

- Oh!

Mothballs.

He pulled this old jacket out of the attic

Without taking it to the cleaners first.

Ooh, that smell makes me sick.

- Oh, relax.

If mothballs were bad for people,

They'd call them peopleballs.

- Oh, debra, how nice.

You're giving sewing another try.

- This is ally's thanksgiving costume for school.

- My daughter is a yam.

- Oh!

Maybe she'll put on a little show for us

After our thanksgiving dinner.

- Oh, well, listen,

Now that you've mentioned it, marie,

I was thinking that maybe we could

Have thanksgiving here this year.

- That's silly.

I mean, why go to all that trouble?

- It is kind of silly. - Ray.

- Listen, ma, debra wants to try it this year,

And I do too, since

I sleep over here now.

- Yeah, but--but you spent last year at debra's parents'.

- Well, I was thinking we could do it here this year,

And then next year you could do it,

And then my parents.

I kind of want to just start my own tradition.

- Oh, that's fine.

That's just fine.

[chuckles]

I was just wondering

Why you're pulling that baloney on my year.

- Ma, debra's just trying

To get into the rotation; that's all.

- This is our year.

Frank, say something.

- Who cares?

Just so long as I get my favorite piece of the turkey,

The last part over the fence,

The caboose.

- Well, frank, you have a choice.

You can either have it here or at home with me,

Where I will be preparing my usual thanksgiving feast.

- Oh, f-feast.

- You heard me.

- Aw. She's making a feast.

- Well, I could eat here and there.

Then I'd get two cabooses.

- Honey, how big is a big turkey?

- About 18 pounds.

- 18 pounds.

Oh, I think this one is just enough.

- Put him down.

- Ooh. This one is self-basting.

You know, maybe this will be a good thanksgiving, huh,

Just us and the kids.

You cook, and I'll watch football

With my pants open all day.

- You know, my dad doesn't really like football, ray.

- Your parents are coming? - Yeah.

And they're really happy we're having thanksgiving here.

- Oh, we just got rid of two parents.

What are you bringing two more in?

- Your parents should really be here too, you know?

- Ah, just--that makes four parents.

You're going backwards.

- Come on, ray.

I mean, it's not a real thanksgiving

Unless the whole family's here.

It would be like when the russians boycotted the olympics.

You know, it diminished the whole event.

- Yeah, well, you're forgetting something very important.

When the russians didn't come,

We won everything.

- I really want your parents here, ray.

- Why? Come on.

You're going to hate it if they come.

The first thing my father's going to do

Is grab your turkey's butt, huh?

That's not pretty.

- Well, that's not going to happen,

Because this year, instead of turkey, I was--

- Whoa, ho, ho.

Whoa. Wait, I'm sorry.

Did you say "instead of turkey"?

- Yeah, I was thinking I would cook up

This nice, big, fresh fish.

- Fish.

- Yeah, fish.

- Fish...

On thanksgiving.

- Yeah, I mean, it's really better for you, you know?

I was going to do this lovely striped bass.

- Yeah, but a striped bass is...

A fish!

- Miss mccarthy told us that they had fish

At the first thanksgiving.

- See?

- Well, people were stupid then, sweetie.

Come on, fish?

- I mean, come on.

We want to start our own tradition,

And we all like fish,

And ally wants it to be like the first thanksgiving.

- Why don't we have some smallpox too, then?

Come on. What are you, crazy?

How can--you want me to convince my parents to come over here,

And my big sales pitch is "mmm, mmm, fish."

- But, see, it makes sense, ray,

Because, you know, your mom makes this great turkey.

That's her specialty.

- Right, and you do a great fish,

But not on turkey day.

Please.

Try that on a day where there's less pressure.

Pearl harbor day.

Yeah, there's a good holiday for surprises.

Well, you got your wish. - Okay.

- Yeah, we're having thanksgiving here,

And the russians are coming.

- Ah, great. That's what I wanted.

Here. - Really?

We'll see.

- What do you mean?

- Well, because my mom now said

She'd be happy to come.

- So what's wrong with her being happy?

- Just think about it.

This was supposed to be her year, right?

The year that you're now taking.

And everybody's going to be coming here,

And she now knows

That the star of your show is a fish.

That makes her very happy.

- Come on; what are you saying?

That your mother's looking forward

To my dinner being a flop?

- I'm not saying she wants it to be a flop,

But she doesn't want it to be better than hers.

How's that going to look to aunt emma and uncle mel?

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Emma and mel are coming here?

- Yeah, yeah, she had already invited them to her house.

- And she's happy more people are coming

So there'll be witnesses when I fail.

- That's what I'm thinking.

- Oh, my god.

This is a trap. It's a--

Oh, god, emma and mel.

Oh, that emma's so weird, and mel is mean.

- And weird. - Yeah.

- Listen, here's an idea.

Just cancel the fish. Go with the turkey.

Then everything can still be all right.

- I can't compete with your mother's turkey, ray.

The woman has giblets in her blood.

- Well, then let's just run right now.

Come on; one call to the witness protection program,

And we're steve and phyllis goldenberg

Of tempe, arizona.

- No. No, no, no, no.

I'm going to rise to the challenge.

Your mother's going to be looking for any flaw,

And I'm going to make sure-- we're going to make sure

She doesn't find one.

- We? Ho. - Yes, we.

You're going to help me.

- Yeah, but-- - no, no, no.

This whole house has to be spotless,

And the meal has to be made entirely from scratch.

- Scratch? Oh, scratch. Scratch!

That doesn't leave time for football.

- There is no time for football.

This has to be the perfect thanksgiving.

Come on. Let's go.

- Stupid pilgrims.

All right, I got it,

The last box of baking powder.

I had to fight two old ladies to get it.

- Really? What did you do?

- Nothing I'm proud of.

All right, can I watch football now?

- No, no, no, no. I need you here.

This is not baking powder.

Ray, this is baking soda.

- All right, it's still a baking thing.

- Great. Now we're not going to have any biscuits.

I'm sure your mom's going to take notice of that.

- All right, what do you want me to do?

- Listen, just cut those radishes, okay?

Make them into little roses.

- Who am I, merlin?

Come on; give me something a man can do.

Let me smash walnuts.

[timer dings] oh, that's the third quarter.

- No, that's the apple brown betty. Come on.

- I'm going to be the only sportswriter

Who doesn't get to watch the game.

- Listen, just stir those onions, would you?

That's too fast! That's too fast.

You're crushing the skins!

- Ah. - What? What?

- You're reminding me the cowboys

Are crushing the 'skins right now.

[timer dings]

- Oh, nice try. Come back here.

Now, wait, that's not the carrots,

'cause I checked those.

Creamed onions? No.

Fish is scaled.

Jell-o mold is set.

Oh, my god.

- What? What?

- Oh, my god, the squash.

- What? What squash?

- The squash. I forgot the squash.

- All right, okay. So what?

- So what? It's the squash, ray.

It's my only yellow.

Where did I put it?

- I don't know. I don't know.

- Well, think, ray. Come on.

- I wasn't here.

I was out not getting baking powder.

- I need that squash.

- Are you as turned on as I am right now?

- Ray, I need the squash.

- Is that a yes? - Ray!

- All right.

I don't know where it is.

Here. Could this goopy thing be it?

- Oh, yes. [laughs] - okay.

- Good. That's it.

- Good. Calm down.

- [crying] - oh, no.

No. No.

Come on, relax. Stop.

- [sobbing] I'm sorry.

- Stop; you're reacting to missing squash

Like the time we left ally at the mall.

- I think I'm just a little overwhelmed.

- I know. I see that.

It's going to be all right. Everything's going to be fine.

- Listen, could you just run a load of dishes?

- I'll do whatever you want.

- Okay. I'm going to change geoffrey.

- All right, but relax, though, really.

You-- you're out of control here.

Everything's going to be fine.

- Okay.

- Thanks. - I'm going to help you.

- Okay.

- Okay. Be careful, all right?

Okay. Now it's thanksgiving.

This is football.

Your mother doesn't want me to watch football today.

What's that all about?

You might say, "hey, daddy, that's being sneaky."

That's why I'm glad you can't talk yet.

Oh! Beautiful catch.

Oh, we live in a great country.

Including-- look at this, michael--

Cheerleaders.

It's everything you could want in one show.

See, dallas is winning.

I want washington to win.

Or dallas can win

As long as it's not by more than seven points,

And then dallas doesn't cover the spread.

Then daddy's friend bernie owes daddy $20.

Keep your eye on the ball.

Now, how did you drop that?

You see, michael, you got to remember,

Always keep your eye on the ball.

- Okay, I feel much better now.

- I was just checking the squash.

- Yeah? - Looks dynamite.

- Oh, good.

- Okay, now all I got to do is drain the potatoes,

Finish my relish tray,

And get my fish go--

- Okay.

- Where's the fish?

[thumping from dishwasher]

Ray, where's the fish?

- You know, I think michael might need changing.

Why don't you change him?

- No, michael's fine.

- Somebody needs changing here.

- Where's the fish?

- You know what? I think I put it in the fridge.

- What? What are you trying to do, ray?

It's not in here.

- Oh, look.

Look.

Here it is right here.

- You put my fish in the dishwasher?

- Hey, hey, there's good news.

You know, like usual, I forgot to put detergent in.

Okay? All right?

See, the stupidity finally paid off.

[doorbell rings]

Oh, the guests are arriving.

They're here.

Okay.

I washed. You dry.

- You're a beautiful yam, honey.

- Mmm. Yum, yum.

Oh, sweetie, I can't wait to dig in.

Your bass smells wonderful.

- Thank you, mom.

- Just got to know how to clean it.

- Yes.

Listen, ray, you have been a wonderful help,

But now that my mom's here,

Why don't you go watch the game with my dad?

- Okay. All right.

You sure you-- okay. All right.

All right, warren, what's the score?

Hey, you're watching soccer?

- Uruguay versus venezuela.

- Did anybody score while I was crossing the street?

What the hell is this crap?

- That's soccer.

Frank, only in america

Is football the game that you're familiar with.

In many countries, when people refer

To "futbol," they actually mean soccer.

- In many countries, people eat cats.

Hit him! Hit him!

- Would you boys mind if I put the parade on?

I simply have to see it this year.

Savion glover's doing a tap medley

From "bring in 'da noise, bring in 'da funk."

- Bring in da straitjackets.

- Hey, you can go watch the game in our room.

- That screen's too small.

- Go--you can take your shoes off and lie on our bed.

- Oh, that's true. That's true.

- On it. On the bed, dad, not in it.

[doorbell rings]

Oh, hi, emma.

Oh, you brought your dog.

- Monty would say hello,

But he's got a sour stomach.

- Aw. - You got any flat soda?

- Yeah.

- I'll let the gas out of some ginger ale.

- What's going on? - Nothing.

Uh, emma brought her dog.

- You know, the fish is going to be ready

In ten minutes.

Where are your folks?

- Well, my mom's not here yet,

But, hey, good news; dad's in our bed.

- You know your mom's doing this on purpose, don't you?

Yeah, she's trying to throw my timing off.

She wants my fish to be

A big dried-out piece of bass jerky.

- You're not going to cry again, are you?

- No. - All right. Stop.

[knocking at door]

Everything's going fine, okay? Stop worrying.

Everything's going to be all right.

Everybody's going to love your dinner.

- My god, that fish smell

Is like a-- a punch in the face.

- You remember great uncle mel

And his childlike innocence.

- Hi, mel.

- Um, fred and bishop are parking the car.

- Fred and bishop?

- They're friends of mine.

We're not gay.

[dog growls]

- I'll go set two extra plates.

- Okay, that's the spirit.

Everybody's welcome here.

It's thanksgiving.

- Oh, ho. Happy thanksgiving.

- Ma, what are you doing?

- Well, debra insisted on cooking a fish,

So I cooked a turkey in case people want to...

Eat.

- Thanks for doing this, raymond.

Looks like you got the whole family together.

- Yeah, yeah, it's dysfunction-palooza.

- Oh, you know what I forgot?

Oven mitts.

- Is that a turkey?

- A turkey?

- What are you trying to do?

- Oh, don't worry. It's just to pick at.

But it's very heavy. Where do you want me to put it?

- I'll tell you where you can put it.

- Right--it goes here.

Put it on the table,

Right next to our beautiful fish.

- Bigger and bigger.

- Huh?

Fish and fowl, friends.

Together on our table of thanks.

- Okay, I think this is everything here.

- Here, honey.

- Be careful, mom; it's really heavy.

Got it?

[people talking and laughing]

Okay, hey, ray, why don't you do a toast, huh?

Everybody, get your glass. Get your glass.

- I just want to, uh-- I want to thank my wife

For whipping up this beautiful dinner

All the way from scratch.

- Cheers, darling.

- I want to thank everybody for coming,

And welcome, welcome to our home.

- I'll drink to that.

- Let's eat.

- Everybody, just go ahead and pass it...

- Would you like some yams?

- No, no. I hate yams.

- Aw, honey, he doesn't hate all yams.

- Yes, I do. I hate them.

They're very binding.

- Hey, the fish isn't so bad.

- Honey, your fish is magnificent.

- Thank you, daddy.

- Have you tried the turkey, ray?

- Nom, no, not yet. I will.

I won't.

I will.

- [coughs]

- You okay, dad?

- I'll be all right.

Just went down the wrong pipe.

- I think he's gagging on the fish.

- How do you know it's the fish?

It could be the turkey.

- Well, slap him on the back, warren.

- My pleasure.

- Robert, do something. Do something.

He's choking on the fish.

- Or turkey. - Get up there.

Okay, okay. I got him. I got him.

- Are you all right, frank?

- I'm all right.

- Oh, thank god. Oh!

I bet it's the fish.

- It could have just as well have been the turkey.

- Well, let's go to the field for the call.

- Oh. That is a piece of fish.

- I knew it.

- You must be very happy.

- Deb. - What?

- Ma, this is supposed to be debra's thanksgiving.

Look how you're acting here.

- Will somebody please pass the fish?

[coughing]

- Dad, here's a little advice.

Chew.

- Deb, you did a great job.

It's a great meal.

- Oh, yeah. Not to her.

You know, nothing I ever do is good enough,

And it's always been that way.

- Well, don't worry about what she thinks.

I think you pulled it off.

- I do too.

I couldn't help overhearing.

- Ma, we're talking.

- I had no business

Making a turkey on your thanksgiving.

And your fish is wonderful.

I mean, whenever I make fish, frank won't even touch it.

- You don't have to say that, marie.

- No, honey, I do. No, I do.

I, uh-- well, you know--

When I wanted to make my first thanksgiving

For everybody,

My mother-in-law went out of her way

To make me miserable.

- Nonny barone?

- Oh, yeah. She was a horrible woman.

I mean, very pushy.

Well, I gue-- you know, I--

I guess I've been making you thanksgiving dinner

For so many years, I--

I felt a little threatened.

- Oh. I threatened you?

- Hey, there you go, honey.

- You know, you've made a beautiful thanksgiving.

- Oh, boy.

- And you know what?

Why--why should I work so hard anymore?

From now on,

We're all coming here every thanksgiving,

Right here.

- [ray crying] - oh, honey.

It's okay. It's okay.

- If you needed any more proof

That your thanksgiving was perfect, here it is.

[men snoring]

Congratulations.