Original subtitles

- What are you doing?

- Oh, I'm emptying the dishwasher.

I got that game tonight.

I didn't want to leave you with everything.

- Aw, honey, that's sweet.

These are all dirty.

Thanks for trying. - All right.

- Yeah. Go, have a good time.

- Aw, why did you have to go say that?

- All I said was, "have a good time."

- Yeah, "have a good time."

You don't think I know what that means?

I know wh-- I have to go to my game tonight.

- Yes, I understand.

- Oh, you are relentless!

What, you think I want to go?

I want to stay home with you, you and the kids.

Last thing I want to do

Is go to an elementary school gym tonight.

- Opening the paint.

- Oh, he sees zone.

Forget the pick, lady.

Barone, barone!

- Don't bring that trash in here.

Oh, you should know better than that.

I don't even have to jump.

[both talking]

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Honey, I'll be home as soon as I can.

Hi, I'm ray,

And I live here in long island with my wife, debra.

She's great with the kids, the house, everything.

Oh, I don't know how she does it.

We've got a daughter, ally,

And twin two-year-old boys.

It's not really about the kids.

My parents live across the street.

That's right.

And my brother lives with them.

Now, not every family would go by

On a conveyer belt for you,

But mine would, because--

- Everybody loves raymond.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- [men grumbling]

- They're killing us.

Where's the escape hatch?

- I just don't know.

- It's like playing the globetrotters.

I'm waiting for meadowlark to pull my pants down.

- Hey, guys. Come on. Come on.

Hey, uh, no drinks.

Let's go. Come on. Sit down.

Why don't we--come on. Grab some pine. Come on.

Shake it up! Come on!

You guys blow.

How could we be losing to bed bath & beyond?

They shouldn't even be in the pizza league!

I'll tell you, if we don't pick it up in the second half,

It's arrivederci, play-offs.

- Hey, kevin, know what I'd love to try once?

Getting into a game.

- Hey, you know what we got to do, kevin?

We got to go to a zone.

- No, no, no, no.

- Kevin, you'll like the zone.

You will not have to run, hmm?

- No, no zone. No zone.

As long as I'm nemo's captain, what I say goes.

- That's right. He's right.

We need a new captain. Who wants the job?

Hey, I do!

[all arguing]

- All right! Fine, fine.

Good luck finding someone with my leadership abilities,

My patience, my people skills,

You candy-ass morons.

- Hey, how about ray as captain?

- Yeah, ray, ray, raygella. Sure.

- All right, sure, sure. Hey, I'll do it.

I'd like to give it a shot.

I think I can do it.

Why don't we open it up to a little discussion?

- Okay, how about robert?

- Yes, robert! He's tall!

- Hold on. What about discussing it?

- You--you guys really want me?

- Sure, you're tall!

Look how friggin' tall you are!

- So robert it is.

- Robert, you sure you're up to this?

'cause I--you know, I'll do it.

If you don't want to, I'll do it.

- Come on, ray. Share his joy.

- All right, no, robert's one way to go

If you want to go with robert.

Obviously, we all want to go with robert, okay.

[buzzer buzzes]

- Second half. What's the line-up, captain?

All: Robert! Robert! Robert!

Robert! Robert! Robert!

- All right, all right, all right, okay!

Starting the second half,

It's going to be me, you, you, you--

And you.

Let's go. All right!

- Ho, whoa, what about me? I'm not starting?

How could I not start the second half?

- I don't want to be accused of nepotism.

Catch the fever!

- Oh, okay.

- Hi.

- Listen, ray just got home.

Yeah, that'll be great, shelly.

Thanks. Okay, bye.

Listen, shelly's having a birthday party for sam

Saturday, at the happy zone.

We're all invited.

- Oh, that's great. The happy zone.

- What's the matter, honey? Did you lose?

- No, we won.

- I see.

And you're sad for the other team?

- I didn't play the whole second half.

Robert got elected captain, and he didn't put me in.

- That's great.

- What's great?

- Well, you know, that robert gets to be captain.

And listen, if he doesn't play you,

Then maybe you won't have to go so much

And you can spend some more time with us.

See, it's good news.

- It's all good news for me.

- Well, what's the matter?

Don't you want to spend more time with us?

- I do. You know I do.

- Aren't you happy that robert got elected captain?

- Yes, I'm-- I'm happy.

Everything's working out great for me.

- Oh, my god. You want to be captain.

You want to be captain!

- No, I don't!

- Yes, you do! - I do not.

- Look at you. - I don't want to be captain.

It's a stupid pizza league.

Those guys--those guys don't have a life.

I have a big life.

- You really want this bad, don't you?

- No. No, I have you.

I have you. I have ally. I have michael, geoffrey.

That's everybody, right?

- Yeah, should be.

Listen, ray, you know, I don't get this.

I mean, you work all the time,

And when you come back, you run off and play.

And now you've got to be captain.

- Listen, I've been playing with these guys

Since high school,

And we've never come close to winning a championship.

This time, we're close.

And if I can be captain, I know we can--

We can go all the way.

- And winning is more important

Than spending time with your family?

- Apples and oranges.

- No, no, no, ray.

Apples or oranges.

You know, I gave up some stuff when we had kids.

- I know.

Did it have to be sex?

Listen, I'm just trying to do it all; that's all.

- Okay, you go ahead and try to do it all.

I just think that you're choosing quantity

Over quality.

Myself, obviously, representing quality.

- Well, quality is job one.

- That's right.

- Okay, quality, you know what?

Robert doesn't want to play me,

And they don't want me as captain.

Then who needs them?

I can't get out of tomorrow's game,

But I'm going to blow off Saturday's.

Take me to the happy zone.

Let me at that whack-a-mole.

[knocking at door]

- Hey, hey, there he is, there he is.

Come on. Come on.

Ray, that was a great thing you did.

- Not lock the door?

- You stepped aside and let your brother be captain.

Look at him, captain robert barone.

- Dad, don't call me that.

I'm the same robert I've always been.

- Hey, congratulations, robert.

We're really happy for you.

Isn't that right, ray?

- I share his joy.

- Come on. Come on. Come on.

Get up. Get up. Come on. Come on.

The barone boys,

Continuing a long legacy of athletic excellence.

- Well, I couldn't have done it without ray.

- Well, always glad to help.

- Hey, no fatty foods!

We got games tomorrow and Saturday.

I want the team to be lean and mean,

Not soft and gushy.

- All right, don't-- don't touch my gush.

- Let's hear it for my firstborn,

A leader of men,

And my second son,

A loyal follower.

- Yeah! Whoo hoo hoo! Yeah!

- Oh, my god. You were in there.

- Did you see me jam?

Believe me, that was a jam.

- Gentlemen? Gentlemen.

That was a disgrace.

I'm embarrassed to be

In the same children's locker room with you.

- Robert, we won.

- Yeah, we were lucky.

I consider this a moral defeat.

And I'll tell you something else.

Nemo's pizzeria should have destroyed

Wo hop's chinese takeout.

- Whoa, robert. Just take it easy, all right?

- Yeah, calm down, paul bunyan.

- Hey, smokestack?

- Hmm? - Come here.

- Hmm? - Come here. Come here.

Yeah. Give me that, heh?

Want to see what I think of your lung rocket?

Look at that, huh?

- Ooh, look what he did to my cigarette.

- You ain't smoking now, are you, chum?

- He's a maniac!

- You ought to see him with a birthday cake.

- Okay, that's enough out of you too, raymond.

I didn't see you helping out there tonight.

- Well, I only played for two minutes.

- Yeah, and we won.

All: Ooh.

- Hey, robert,

You know, I come here to play, okay?

I got three kids.

If I'm not going to play, I could be home

Pulling a waffle out of the vcr.

- At least when I was captain, it was fun.

All: Yeah.

- Uh-huh, okay.

Are you guys unhappy with me?

- You scare me.

- Okay, all right.

Well, I just guess I'm the target

Of some backstage grumblings.

- Robert, you're letting the captain thing

Go to your head.

That's all you care about, is captain.

Captain nemo.

I got to tell you, really, nobody likes you this way.

Maybe the captain thing is just too much.

- Et tu, raymond?

- Come on, don't do that.

Don't do that stuff.

- I quit.

All: Aw!

- Don't quit, rob. Don't quit.

Come on, robert. We need you.

We need you. You--you're--

- You're so friggin' huge!

- Hi. - Hey, how'd it go?

- Robert quit the team.

- That is terrible.

- Yeah, well, he got a little drunk with power,

And the guys turned on him.

- Oh.

- He kind of left in a bad way.

- Oh, poor robert.

- So that kind of affects our trip

To the happy zone Saturday.

- We don't have to take robert with us, do we?

- No, but we can't take me with us either.

- What? Ray, come on.

I thought you said

You were going to blow off the game on Saturday.

- That was when I wasn't playing.

- Well, who says you have to play?

- The new captain. - Who's he?

- Hey.

Ah!

Ah.

Oh, why?

Oh! Ah.

- Oh, my god, what happened?

- Oh, not a good game.

- Oh.

- This is my new job. I'm a coaster now.

- Where does it hurt?

- Ah, I think I pulled a liver.

- Here, come on.

- Easy. Slow, slow, slower.

- Yeah. I'm trying.

- Easy, nurse ratchet.

Move the pillows.

- All right. Well, did you win at least?

- No. It was awful.

- Oh.

- Never mind. How was your day?

- Oh, gosh, ray,

The kids were so cute at the happy zone.

We had a great time.

- Where are they? Are they sleeping?

- Yeah. - Oh, I missed them?

- Yeah. Oh, god, you should've seen them.

They were in the ball pit,

And this big 7-year-old kid comes over,

And he starts throwing balls at the twins.

And ally says, "those are my brothers!"

And she runs over, and she knocks the kid down.

- A boy? Ally? She knocked down a boy?

- She, like, gave him this hip check like mark messier.

I had to go in there, 'cause I thought

She was going to pull his shirt over his head,

Like, start wailing on him.

She was so cute!

- Oh, god. Well, did you film it?

- No, 'cause, I mean, you're the video guy.

- Oh, well, I was busy dry heaving.

What else? What else did I miss?

- Double chocolate fudge cake.

- Oh!

- Oh, and--

I hate to tell you this, ray,

But michael said his first word today.

- Come on. No!

- Yeah, well, we were driving along the expressway,

And this truck cuts us off.

And, well, you know what you always say

When that happens to you?

- He said that?

- Clear as a bell.

- Oh, god.

Well, how did he say it?

Did he punch it out like I do?

- Ray, it was as if you were in the car.

- Oh, god, I can't believe I missed that.

- Well, you're very busy having it all.

You are bound to miss some things.

But I'll tell you what.

Tomorrow if we all want to go together--

- Oh, I--tomorrow, I can't tomorrow.

- What?

- I got the playoffs tomorrow.

- Oh, get-- playoffs now, right?

You know, this stuff never ends.

- Look, this is why--

This is why I became the captain:

To lead us through the playoffs

So we can win it.

- Win what?

I mean, what are you actually winning?

- Maybe you'll understand when you see

A big trophy sitting right over there.

- Oh, my god, the trophy.

You're right. I forgot about the trophy.

Is it shiny?

- Come on. Don't worry.

I'll make it up to you, okay?

Everything's going to be okay.

I'm the captain.

- You are some brother.

- Hi, ma.

- Don't "ma" me.

I finally got it out of robert.

He's been sitting over there for two days

Depressed, moping, not talking to anyone.

And you know why?

- 'cause he's robert?

- Because his brother sold him down the river

For his own glory.

- Hey, ma, you want to hear what michael said today?

- I think you're about to hear it again, ray.

- Ma, look, I didn't do anything.

- Oh?

You dethroned him and then you took his crown!

You're like richard iii

Or that guy on "young and the restless"!

- Ma, he did it to himself, all right?

The team was right.

- You would put a basketball team

Before your family?

- You don't understand. He was out of control.

He was yelling, he wouldn't listen to anybody,

And he screamed, and then he stormed out.

- That's nonsense!

Who the hell in this family acts like that?

You better get over there

And make your brother feel better,

Or the next time I come over,

I won't be so nice.

Well, somebody needs a trip to the happy zone.

- Hey. - Hey.

- Is mom here?

- She's upstairs hitting my speed bag.

How's the team?

- Well, we--we really missed you out there, rob.

- Oh?

- Yeah. Yeah, you ought to come back.

- You--you guys want me back?

- Yeah, sure.

Come on; you're the best player out there.

We need you.

- So you're asking me to be captain?

- No, no.

I'm still going to be captain.

- You are a piece of work.

- Look, come on. Don't you see?

It's still in the family.

It's just like you're captain,

Only I'm captain.

- Won't that be cozy?

You come back, and you help us win the championship.

The whole team will be happy.

And you won't be mad anymore, so mom will be happy.

And you can help me.

You can help me with some of

The lesser captaining responsibilities,

And I can spend more time with my family.

Then they'll be happy.

- So once again, you get everything.

- No, no, that's not everything.

That's, like, four things.

- Well, thanks for thinking of me, raymond,

But I'm just going to have to pass.

- What, pass? You can't pass, robert.

We can't do it without you.

Come on, you're the missing link.

- I've heard that before.

- Come on; I tell you what.

Just come back, come back for the playoffs,

And next year I'll make sure you're captain.

I promise.

- Well, I appreciate it,

But I'm just going to have to pursue another option.

- Another option?

With who?

- Wo hop's chinese takeout.

They put a very lovely offer on the table.

Kung pao?

- Morning, mommy.

- Hi, honey. Where's daddy?

- He's in the shower, singing.

He's terrible.

[knocking at door]

- Hey. Oh, look, it's daddy's posse.

- Morning.

- Morning, debra. Where's the captain?

- Yeah, we got a lot of problems.

- No kidding.

Yeah, ray will be down in a minute.

- Hey, boys.

Hey, you, uh, going to finish this?

- Hey, hey, hey. Kev, come on.

Do you mind? It's his breakfast.

- He's not eating it.

Look, he spit it all out.

- You know, ray will be down in a second, okay?

Ray?

- Oh. I'm sorry.

Can I have some juice, please?

- Can't believe you're not married, andy.

- Well, you know, I just haven't met miss right.

Know anybody?

I'll let 'em all know that you're looking.

Ray?

- Mommy, that man's smoking.

- Narc.

- Come on, dave. What are you doing?

- Sorry, debra, where are my manners?

Would you like one?

- Ray! Ray!

Hey, you know what?

Why don't you guys just go on up?

I'm sure ray will be happy to see you.

After all, he's your captain.

- Hey, debra, how's your sister doing?

- Yeah, just go.

- All right, thanks a lot.

- Ally, honey--

Do you want to talk about what you just saw?

- [singing] camptown ladies, sing that song

Doo dah, doo dah

Camptown ladies, sing that song

- Hey, what do you got going in there?

- What are you doing? - We need to talk to you.

- We?

- [imitating ray] oh, no, who's in my shower?

- Get out of here!

- "get out of here!"

- Ray, tartar control.

Kudos.

- What are you doing? What do you want?

- You screwed up the orders for the playoff uniforms.

- What style number did you order?

- I don't know, I don't know. 17.

- I told you number 70!

- All right, so what's the difference?

- Oh, nothing.

- Give me a towel.

- Hey, ray, am I going to play tonight?

I need to know, because I was thinking

About bringing a girl to the game.

- Yeah, all right, all right. I'll play you.

- Okay, then I'm telling her not to come.

- Come on, this is why you guys are up here bothering me?

- Yeah, what do you think?

We just came up here to watch you buff yourself

To a high sheen?

- Funny, funny. All right.

I'll take care of everything.

Now do me a favor and get out of here!

- Hey, nice nipples!

- Ray, these come in chewable.

- Get out of here. Come on.

- Hey, don't forget the uniforms.

- Yeah. - Who's starting tonight?

- The guys who aren't in my bathroom.

- "in my bathroom."

- Yeah, all right, you're funny, kevin.

You're real--hey, kevin, come on, huh?

What, are you crazy?

Weirdoes.

- Want some more french toast, honey?

- Yes. Thank you, mommy. - You're welcome.

- What did you send in the stooges to the shower for?

Bunch of idiots.

They can't handle anything.

- You okay, honey?

- Yeah, yeah.

Listen, I screwed up the uniforms.

I got to go do the uniforms,

And then I got to make sure the gym's open.

All the big important things a captain's got to do.

So I'll see you later, all right?

- See you. - Bye, daddy.

- Bye, cutie.

Bye.

Michael, don't say anything dirty until I get back.

- Bye.

Can you get that? You want some help?

Here, let me spread that for you.

Ooh, look at all that syrup.

Is syrup your favorite thing?

Hmm? You like that?

What's your favorite breakfast?

- Syrup and french toast.

- Mm-hmm, that's what I thought.

What are you doing?

- I just retired.

- What about the team?

- Don't worry about the team.

I'll tell them there's a better offer on the table.

Any more french toast?

- I'd love some.

Thank you, captain.

- Yeah, I'm a born leader.

Wow.

- Wasn't that better than basketball?

- You know, I think I sweat about the same.

Oh, I wonder how the guys are doing right now.

- All right, guys.

As your captain, I just want to say,

Look, don't get too down on yourselves, all right?

We did the best we could,

But for whatever reason,

We just didn't match up tonight.

- Two, four, six, eight.

Who do we appreciate?

Nemo's! Nemo's!

Yay, nemo's!