Original subtitles

J here they come again, mmm-mm-mm

j catch us if you can, mmm-mm-mm

j time to get a move on, mmm-mm-mm

j we will yell with all of our might

j catch us if you can

J now we gotta run, mmm-mm-mm

j no more time for fun, mmm-mm-mm

j when we're gettin' angry, mmm-mm-mm

j we will yell with all of our might

j catch us if you can

j whooo!

J whooo!

J catch us if you can

J now we gotta run, mmm-mm-mm

j no more time for fun, mmm-mm-mm

j when we're gettin' angry, mmm-mm-mm

j we will yell with all of our might

j catch us if you can

j whooo!

J whooo!

J here they come again, mmm-mm-mm

j catch us if you can, mmm-mm-mm

j time to get a move on, mmm-mm-mm

j we will yell with all of our might

j catch us if you can

j catch us if you can &

then what?

Well, we had a dance and I bought her a coffee, you know.

Yeah. What happened there, then?

She said, "you're a stuntman, show us a stunt."

Oh, sceptical, was she?

'Ere, fellas, not so much steam, irritates my chest.

- Drop dead! - Many a true word.

Now, has this story got a point or are you merely intoxicated

by the music of the words?

- Steve? - Hello.

Look at the milk.

Frozen solid.

- There's some warmer in the fridge. - Should hope so, too.

Seen the, uh, krispies, Steve?

- Which ones? - You know, the noisy ones.

Eggs.

Eggs.

- Know what I mean? - Uh...

So she said, "chapel? I wouldn't be seen dead with you in a chapel."

- Is that what you had in mind? - Kinky.

Has he moved?

Len, you moved?

Yeah, he's moved.

His bishop's rather exposed. Yeah.

Seen the milk?

- It's only frozen. - Only frozen?

Can't bear cold fluids on an empty stomach.

She said, "you that girl in the story?"

You do look a bit like her. Doesn't he, Steve?

What?

He looks a bit like dinah.

Yeah, he does, but he's far lovelier. Come here!

- Don't you think so, Steve? - Don't I think what?

Thinks he looks a bit like your girl?

Look, how many times have I told you? She's not my girl!

Don't touch Mel! I've got a contagious rash.

Now listen, folks, everybody!

We're trying to shoot a TV commercial for meat.

Okay, let's get the mattresses down for the stunt boys.

I don't want any accidents.

The extras for dinah, on your marks and stay there.

Reads a lot, your bodyguard.

I bought an island yesterday.

- Hey. - A what?

An island.

A body of land surrounded by water.

It's going very well.

Very well indeed.

Now listen, folks, everybody,

that includes dinah, could I have your attention?

We're trying to shoot a TV commercial for meat.

Would you kindly co-operate?

It's cold. We all want to finish and go home.

We can't shoot unless we get quiet.

Who else by Leon zissell could think of setting a meat commercial in a meat market?

No, no, no, I don't agree with you.

The figures do bear me out.

I can't help about the figures. It doesn't matter to me.

- Let's talk about the figures... - Can't you see my point of view?

Look, I hate to interrupt you but let me rub your noses gently in the facts.

This meat campaign, up to the present, has cost a half a million pounds.

Now, the question we have to ask ourselves is, have we justified it?

Not according to consumer reaction figures.

And not according to the meat promotion council either.

- I hate to say this, Leon... - But you will, you will.

But I've always thought the girl was a bad idea.

Now, don't start this again. The girl is right.

There's no doubt whatsoever about her success.

Yes, the girl's a personal success, but is she selling meat?

Is she the right image?

- All right, Dave, ready for the next shot. - Fine. Good, good, good, good.

- What's it like? - Very nice, dinah. I liked it.

- It felt terrible to me. - No.

Right, chippy and his fag, give us a hand with the car!

Ta.

Those porters are sending us up again.

Don't blame them.

- I mean, look at us. - Yeah, dummies.

Fancy 'em taking up half the meat market just for a commercial!

Very surrealist. Yeah.

Didn't we sign as stuntmen, Steve?

Well, we're doing the stunt, aren't we?

Most of the time we're male... models.

Yeah, on this one ballerinas.

We've only got another fortnight.

We could be in Spain tomorrow.

Water-skiing, skin-diving.

No more frozen meat.

Or frozen milk.

- Or poncing about. - Look, don't get at me.

Weeks ago I said we should pack it in.

Yeah, but when they doubled the money.

Now, what do you think about that, Vera?

The girl's all right, the boys are all right.

What's wrong is the selling platform.

We've flogged energy till it's tired.

I'm sure we'll find that the next phase of this campaign's going to go like a bomb.

Yes, Vera, gracious living.

It's a big jump from energy, but it's a good one.

Gracious living and the two-meat meal. It could change the english way of life.

Cut! Cut! Cut!

Get them back as soon as you can, will you?

Didn't you hear? He said cut.

- I heard him. - Aren't you going back then?

I'm sick to death of 'em all, even the boys!

Oh! I know how you feel.

But at least you've only got two weeks.

Think of me. I've got two years.

What am I going to do when you and the boys go?

- What? - He wants us back in the market.

Oh.

Fancy being like that at his age. He's only young, you know.

All right?

I'm not going back. Do you want to get out before I go?

No, I'll come too.

Let's take the day off. You want to?

- Yes. - Are you sure?

Yes, sure. Quick!

[ Jazzy incidental music I

- What will you do in Spain? - Teach tourists skin-diving.

- Ever done it? - Mm, I had to do it once for a commercial.

Like to have a go now? What in London in the winter?

I do it all the time.

Oh! I can hardly stand up.

It's all right once you get in. It's weightless.

Come on! You'd better come down the shallow end.

That was marvellous! A tropical island in the middle of London.

- Your turn now. - My turn what?

To name an island.

Um?

What about an orange tree? Ever see an orange growing?

In London in winter? Yes.

[ Jazzy incidental music I

Very nice.

Well...

That's it then.

There'll be an awful row.

Do you think you'll get the sack?

Sure to. Still, the boys will be pleased.

Are you sorry we did it?

Well, it's done.

Oh...

I wish we didn't have to go back.

I wish we could just go on.

Where is this island of yours?

Off the Devon coast.

I went there once, skin-diving.

You haven't really bought it?

Well...

Not quite.

But I've got all the details from the agent

and as soon as I can I'm going down to see it.

- Is it inhabited? - No.

Well... there's this old hotel there.

But it's not used now.

Maybe just a caretaker.

An island all to yourself.

I'd live completely alone.

You'd need to get in plenty of supplies.

Especially in winter.

And now and again...

I'd have a party.

Not often.

And it would go on for days.

Like gatsby.

Suppose you could survive.

There was a man once who lived for two weeks on raw shellfish.

And on the mainland...

People would watch the lights.

And sometimes...

They'd get a snatch of music and laughter on the wind.

We'd better take some thick sweaters with us.

No sign of her.

Have you tried the whispering gallery?

She likes the quiet. Yes.

- And the stations? - Paddington and st pancras.

Found her once before in Paddington.

She likes the music in Waterloo.

Right.

Lyon's corner house - the gypsy orchestra makes her cry.

Cry?

Well, satin blouses and horn-rimmed spectacles are a bit sad, don't you think?

Oh, yes, surely.

She could be anywhere.

Well, that's why you chose her, isn't it?

I mean, that's her image. Rootless, classless, kooky.

Product of affluence. Typical of modern youth.

- Have you tried the boy's flat? - Yes, twice.

The others were there, but not him.

I've just had a call. Yes?

Half an hour ago, she drove down Oxford street with a loudhailer,

calling on the people to change their way of life.

Was...

- Was the stunt boy with her? - Yes, driving.

Which direction?

- Well, east or west? - East.

Is the boy's place east of Oxford street? Yes.

Well, go there. Break in if you have to.

Those stunt boys, are they under contract?

Um, up to the end of next week.

Well, we don't need them anymore. Pay them off.

Right.

J Saturday night, everybody havin' fun

j you don't know it but I'm havin' me some

j you left me at home, thought I would die

j down and lonely, thought I would cry

j oh, we're havin' a wild weekend

> we're havin' a wild weekend

j reelin' 'n' a-rockin'

j rockin' 'n' a-rollin'

j I met me a girl, she thought I was fine

j oh-oh, she'll come with me and we'll have a good time

j we got all dressed up and I took her out

j well, she's not like you, she treats me right

j oh, we're havin' a wild weekend

> we're havin' a wild weekend

j reelin' 'n' a-rockin'

j rockin' 'n' a-rollin'

j ooow!

J whooa!

J whooo! Whooo!

J ooow! Ooow!

J whooa!

J whooo! Whooo!

J ooow!

J reelin' 'n' a-rockin'

j rockin' 'n' a-rollin' whooa!

J reelin' 'n' a-rockin'

j rockin' 'n' a-rollin', now a-rollin'

j reelin' 'n' a-rockin'

j rockin' 'n' a-rollin'

j ooow!

J reelin' 'n' a-rockin'

j rockin' 'n' a-rollin'

j whooo!

J reelin' 'n' a-rockin'

j rockin' 'n' a-rollin'!

J I said reelin' 'n' a-rockin'

j rockin' 'n' a-roll! &

Oh, it's a great party, Steve.

Have you gotta leave so soon? Yeah.

- What and just leave the party going? - Why not? I'm fed up.

This place is getting like a railway station.

- We can go on our own if you like. - No, no.

It'd be a giggle seeing Louis again.

Has he got a gym down there?

No, a sort of health farm. Don't know exactly where it is from the island.

But it can't be far along the coast.

Oh, we'll just drive round Devon till we find it.

Fabulous!

- Mm, it suits you. - It fits me.

I should keep it.

- What, not want it back? - No.

- They'll say I nicked it. - No, they won't.

If they do, say mr zissell said you could have it.

- Who's mr zissell? - A friend.

Oh.

Are you ready to go as soon as Steve's packed?

Yeah. Be great to see Louis again.

- Yeah, it will be good. - Bags I drive the jag!

- We're not taking it. - Why not?

Use your loaf. How far do you think we'd get in a brand-new stolen e-type?

- Piccadilly circus. - If that.

So we're all going in the moke? Yeah.

- The five of us and dinah? - Easy.

Kinky.

Where's laraine?

Helping dinah.

- Helping her with what? - Change.

Change?

Well, what's she changing into?

Wait and see.

- Perhaps a frog. - Or a man.

That'd be a scandal.

It's my ambition to be a top model and wear expensive clothes.

You can have it.

One of my ambitions, I should've said.

What are the others then? Well...

To get through o-levels.

Do these telescopes work at night?

I dunno, I don't take science.

Then I'd like to go to drama school for a couple of months to learn poise.

But my boyfriend says it'll kill my spontaneity.

Steve!

Steve.

Are you the fairy snow man?

No, I'm not!

Oh, only it's, on television they said that if I had two packets of these,

you'd give me a fiver, is that right?

Are they in here? Who?

Look, you know perfectly well who I'm talking about!

What's this then? Old-time night?

Dinah!

What are you doing in those clothes?

I was only trying them on. What's the matter with you?

Aaaaah!

Quite! Quite!

[ Jazzy incidental music I

[ Jazzy incidental music I

Morning.

Yeah.

What's happened to this village?

Don't know. Peasants just left.

Do you live here?

Only last night.

Where are you from then?

London.

Raver land.

Weekend ravers.

Are... are you on the road?

Got any spliffs, man?

Spliffs?

- Pot. - No.

Got any h, horse?

No.

King normal.

What a load of beats.

Beats?

D'you hear that?

Beats?

- What are you then? - It's a dead word.

A word for "thicks".

- Come on. - No, wait a minute.

Mind if we have a warm?

Are you on the road all the year?

Yeah.

Do you think we're weekend ravers?

I was only asking.

Do we look like weekend ravers?

I don't know.

- What do weekend ravers look like? - Bit like you.

Hey!

She's that butcher girl.

"Meat for go" is it?

Not anymore. That's all over.

We're on the run.

How d'you get here then?

Stole a car.

We had to keep off the main roads

to avoid the police and then we stumbled on this place.

No money with us or anything.

We're on the road!

Suppose we are.

Why do you live like this?

For kicks? Or what?

Ask yeano, he's the genius.

He's been all round the world.

Hello, yeano.

What have you learnt going all round the world?

Mm...

Uh...

Um...

You know a...

Monastery.

There were these two monks...

Fighting over who should own this...

Crummy tomcat.

And the king monk said, "give me one good reason why this cat should live?"

And they couldn't.

So he...

Cut the cat in half...

Sometime later.

It was getting on for Autumn.

Come on, let's go.

No, not yet.

This really fantastic master came.

- Let's go. - No hurry is there?

I can only spare the weekend. I've got things to do.

- And... - I'll get the car.

The king monk said...

Had he done right to kill the cat?

Man, if I die and you live, you can have my electric fire!

I appreciate that.

Oh, let's get out!

It's the army!

I thought we were going to get four minutes warning.

Come on!

- What's going on? - Oh! Quick!

Cease fire!

Cease fire!

Here they are!

Come on, come on, get fell in!

Come on, at the double! Go ahead!

Move! Come on!

- Leave me alone! - Come on!

Come on at the double! Go ahead! Let's go!

Come on. Let's go.

- Come on. - Leave me alone!

Come on!

I want all the females standing over here.

Females standing over here.

J we're on the move, we're on the move

j we're on the move, we're on the move... j

I suppose you're happy now, doing all this?

Come on!

You're an animal!

I thought meat was supposed to make you go. Look at you.

I hate you!

If I ever meet someone interesting you want to leave!

- Bath any use to you? - Yes, please.

- My name's guy, by the way. - I'm nan.

We're an old married couple.

- I'm Steve and this is... - Dinah.

- How did you know? - Your face.

Anyhow, we just heard about your... Lark on the news.

Us? On the news?

You don't look as if you're being kidnapped.

Being what?

- Wasn't that the word they used? - Abducted.

- Well, it's the same thing. - More or less.

Whatever you do, they turn it against you.

I'm not being kidnapped.

Mm, thought it was too good to be true.

Leon must be furious to have done this.

But you see, advertising... Advertising's not a... a game

which can be played by the rules.

Advertising is total war

and we must play it with any weapons that come to hand, hmm?

- Brandy? - Mm.

Mm, total war, hmm?

And all's fair in love, war and advertising, hmm?

You see, I view this affair...

Solely as an opportunity to sell more of your meat.

It's bound to, isn't it?

Oh, 1 think so, yes, but we have to help it along.

Would you care for a breath of London fog?

Mmm.

Japanese is it?

Oh, yes.

Now, we must be very careful how we handle their recapture.

We must bide our time until we can catch them in a colourful situation.

- But not too colourful, hmm? - Quite.

Nothing too blue, for example.

Exactly.

- Oh, do you like the view? - I prefer your Brandy.

Okay, come in with the bottle. Wendy, over your shoulder.

Follow it down. Lenny, come in with the rest of the chair.

Yeah. Still looks a bit phony though.

Who had the phone last? Where is it?

Ta.

Soft furnishings.

Steve!

It's Steve.

Speak up a bit, I can't hear you.

A phone in the bath? That's a bit strong.

Oh, the place? Yes, I know it. Romans drinking mineral water.

Yeah, have you seen the lunchtime papers? All about you kidnapping dinah.

All right, all right, I didn't say it, I'm only telling you.

Did you see that bit about saturnine good looks? That was you.

What? Sure, as soon as you like. What's the address?

- Right, ta. - Hey, what's happening, what's happening?

- We're off to bath. - Okay, let's go.

Go? But I've been and melted the peas!

Well, freeze them again.

Ha-ha-ha!

- What did they say? - Oh, they're on their way.

It's, uh... it's rather exciting harbouring runaways, isn't it?

Oh, thrilling!

Sherry?

Thank you.

Why don't you lie low here for a day or so?

You'll be quite safe.

- No, we must get on. - Yes, it's a long way.

Where to?

- My island. - Oh.

Yes. Still, I'm sure you'd like a bit of a clean-up beforehand, wouldn't you?

- Mm, thanks, I would. - Yes, come this way.

Nan, you'll look after Steve, won't you?

Of course, darling. Come and sit down.

It'll take them about three hours to get down from London, you know.

You might as well relax.

Soon as they arrive we'll be off to the island.

How lovely for you, darling.

No, thanks.

Tried it once, didn't fancy it.

Oh.

Hello?

Only me. Nothing I can get you?

No, thanks. I seem to have everything a girl could possibly want.

Oh, yes, I must agree with you there.

Are all the others like you?

- In what way? - So saturnine.

So well-built.

Oh, they're absolutely gorgeous.

No, thanks, I don't.

Tried it once, didn't fancy it.

If you want a bath, she's out. I heard the door.

Right.

And, Steve, if you want a change of clothes,

my costume collection's in the spare bedroom.

Well, thanks.

I put your dressing gown out for dinah.

- No one's impressed... - Hello, ugly.

Hello, filth.

She thinks I'm saturnine and well-built.

He thinks I've got everything a girl could possibly want.

- That's a charming explanation! - Oh, come on!

Do you have to behave like a child, guy, all the time?

Oh, shut up!

Nice to be back in civilisation.

No, one can't help admiring the youthful impudence

and élan of your gesture.

Sucks to the middle-aged impresarios who aim to exploit you.

We also fight the forces of corruption and decay,

but in our case, of course, it's dry rot, woodworm...

Is this going on for long?

- Does it bore you? - No, it's just that I've heard it before.

Think I'll go and get nosh ready. Are you hungry?

- Starved. - Right.

- Yes, deathwatch beetle and... - Want any help?

Sorry.

- It's all right. I was merely going to say... - No, dear.

You stay here and entertain guy.

You were saying, dry rot, woodworm, deathwatch beetle...

Uh...

I must apologise for that pitiable display.

Nan has a very jealous nature.

Oh.

- What do you do then? - Do?

We don't do anything.

For pleasure though?

We're collectors.

Oh.

Yes.

We collect.

What sort of things?

Anything that takes our fancy.

She has her pieces...

And I have mine.

Really?

Would you care to see my collection?

Why not?

Uh, just wanted to ask, dear, do you like pimentos in your salad?

- Where's everybody? - Oh, hello, baby.

Oh, didn't risk one of my costumes after all.

No, this'll do fine till my jeans are dry.

Come here.

Come here.

Open wide.

Oh, come on.

Keep you going.

Another stereoscope. Khyber pass, I think.

Oh, no, arctic tundra.

The last one was the khyber pass. Yes.

Now, this I don't show to everyone.

The derby, 1908.

I think it's fairly representative.

Stereoscopic, stroboscopic, epidiascopic, kaleidoscopic

and telephonic.

Roughly contemporary with Alexander Graham bell.

It's French, actually.

Marseilles, surprisingly enough.

Uh, I don't want to sound pretentious. I'm not a scholar.

But I do like to feel that I collect the... The pop art of history.

These are just a few of the... The desperate measures

that people have taken to immortalise the moment.

The moment when they could sing and dance and smile.

Or just look hopeful.

- This is not quite what I expected. - No.

Yes, a lot of people have been surprised.

And yet, you know...

I think the old family snapshot is still as evocative as anything.

My appetite for them is absolutely insatiable.

Just look at these women on the lawn.

Smiling into the sunlight of 1912.

Isn't it awful how everyone has to get old?

And everything gets broken.

Not much hope, is there?

Young people are callously hopeful.

Not all.

I'm not.

Then you should be.

If only to set us an example.

What does nan collect?

Old clothes.

- Coarse cut. - Mm, thought so.

- What do you mean? - It's one of my tests for manliness.

- I said the right thing then. - Mm.

Guy likes his clear, like jelly.

Now, this I think is... Is really rather poignant.

J it's only... j

it's a bit rough, the sound. "It's only a dream."

"Only a beautiful dream."

"Love and Harmony everywhere."

"Nobody cares for girls."

"Happiness reigns supreme."

"Too good to be true."

J it was only a dream! J

bravo!

Yes, I think lunch should be ready.

- Where is he? - He's taken your girlfriend upstairs.

- She's not my girlfriend. - Oh, well, whatever she is.

What are they doing?

Oh, guy always takes the girls up to see his collection.

They usually tell me afterwards they didn't know where to look for laughing.

And, guy... what?

- What? - You can bring her down now.

Lunch is ready.

Hungry?

Mm.

And these boiled sweets were stuck in my gymslip pocket.

Well, everyone who was in my class has either committed suicide

- all of them? - No, of course not.

Look, why don't you come with us tonight? It's the event of the year.

Yes, do come. What about the island then?

Well, it's Sunday tomorrow. We'll make an early start.

- You can bring your friends too. - They'll love it.

Well, as long as we don't get caught.

We'll be disguised. Couldn't be better.

It's just a little innocent escapism.

See, you're escaping, we're escaping.

- Where are you escaping to? - Into the past.

The 18th century...

And all mod cons.

That puts bath into a nutshell.

Oh, bath's always been the same, even in Roman times.

The romans used to come down here and wallow in the warm Springs,

and kid themselves that they were back in the old country.

- More cream, baby? - Thank you.

Hardly anyone can bear reality.

Coffee?

- Nan can. - Hmm?

Bear reality. Yes.

Yes, she can.

You do lovely pastry.

- 'Ere, this look rather nice, don't it? - Yeah, it looks a healthy spot.

I think I'll take the waters while I'm here.

Flip the portcullis!

- Oh. - Hello. You all right, Ricky?

Now, listen, duchess, costumes in the wardrobe over there.

- Costumes in the wardrobe. - Make-up here.

- Make-up here. - Masks over there, wigs there, all right?

Come here, darling, come here.

Look, I'm afraid we've got exactly an hour. I'm awfully sorry to rush you into this.

Oh, you look lovely, baby.

Come along, dinah. “What?

- Come on. - See you later.

Yes, and I'm going to leave to it as well.

I'm not doing anything very elaborate myself.

Thanks very much.

Where'd you find them two from? Ugh!

They're great. They've taken us in, looked after us, given us a meal.

The way she looked at me, she'll have me on fried bread. Whoo!

- They're all right. - Well, who said they weren't?

- Some of my best friends are kinks. Mmm! - So we're on the run then, eh?

Let's get disguised, what?

Oh.

Well, how did you get here?

What do you mean? I've been chasing around everywhere. Salisbury plain...

- Yes, I know, but how did you get here? - Oh, I spoke to zissell on the phone.

Are they all in there?

Ah, dear boy.

Would you care for an aperitif?

J only a dream. Only a... j

thanks, Leon.

My paper's running your story on the basis of your handout...

Which, frankly, reads to me as though the stunt boy will hurt her.

- Well, what? - Off his chump.

Did the information suggest that?

It's your choice of words.

"Solitary, saturnine boy and model girl."

- Put those together... - And what's the connection?

Sounds as though he's holding her captive in a bedsitter somewhere.

Well, I didn't mean to suggest that. I never met the boy.

- Put your clothes on. - Oh, don't you worry about me.

Oh, Lenny!

Where's Steve? Let's have a look at you.

- That looks great. - Really nice.

- Yes. Well, how are my bolts? - They're all right, darling.

- Screw them up a bit. Mwah! - Come on.

Shall we... shall we get off?

Is she a normal, healthy girl? Yes.

Normal, healthy instincts?

Yes, I suppose so.

What's her taste?

- In what? - In men.

I don't know her that well.

- Well, there's her picture. - In person.

Do you find her attractive?

J here they come again, mmm-mm-mm

j catch us if you can, mmm-mm-mm

j time to get a move on, mmm-mm-mm

j we will yell with all of our might

j catch us if you can

J now we gotta run, mmm-mm-mm

j no more time for fun, mmm-mm-mm

j when we're gettin' angry, mmm-mm-mm

j we will yell with all of our might

j catch us if you can

&' catch us if you can

j catch us if you can

Zissell is delighted.

- I knew he would be. - Says it couldn't be better.

Oh, we mustn't let them get caught till the press are here.

- He wants a good spread tomorrow. - Right. Let's get on to them then.

&' when the world looks dark all around you

j all you need is love, I know

j all your doubts and fears will disappear

j and turn into song

J when the night lights shine from your window

j you'll remember all I've said

j and your heart will feel

j that sudden beat setting you a goal

j please come back to my arms

j I need all your love... j

if I'd carried on like that when I was a youngster,

I'd have had a thorough good thrashing.

Yeah, only right.

Yeah, I'd like to take some of these across my knee.

Used to get it often, did you?

I've had more thrashings than you've had hot dinners.

That's all gone now.

Well, spiritual bearings is always the first to go for a Burton.

- What can I get you? - Mm, I'll have, uh...

I'll get these. Um, two rum and cokes.

Ah, gentlemen of the press!

Thank you very much for coming so quickly,

but I'm sure it'll be worth your while.

Now, I daresay all your papers have run the butcher girl story and kidnapping.

Well, she's here now in this hall somewhere.

And not only her but the stunt boy as well.

And my friend's just gone to phone the police,

so it won't be long before we get some action.

Now, she's either dressed as Groucho Marx or as, um, Charlie chaplin,

or Jean Harlow, or Frankenstein's monster.

J I can't stand it

j I can't stand it no, no, no!

J I can't stand it

j I can't stand it

j every time you go I can't stand it

j everybody knows I can't stand it

j it makes me feel so blue I can't stand it

j oh, no, no

j when you're passing by I can't stand it

j who's the other guy? I can't stand it

j just to see you there I can't stand it... &

we're either looking for a Charlie chaplin or Groucho Marx,

or a Jean Harlow or a keystone clop... Oh, cop.

Or one of those old-fashioned baby fellas.

J don't you ever realise what you're doing to me?

J yeah, yeah, yeah!

J I can't stand it whooo!

J I can't stand it

j I can't stand it

j I can't stand it

j I can't stand it

j I can't stand it no, no, no!

J I can't stand it

j I can't stand it

j every time you go I can't stand it

j everybody knows I can't stand it

j it makes me feel so blue I can't stand it

j oh, no, no

j when you're passing by I can't stand it

j who's the other guy? I can't stand it

j just to see you there I can't stand it

j oh, no, no

j oh, no, no... j

- they're after her. - Yes. Get the boys.

J it's hurting so inside

j don't you ever realise what you're doing to me?

J yeah, yeah, yeah... I

oh, I... I'm awfully sorry. My mistake.

I think some of your hair...

Yeah.

J no, no, no! I can't stand it

j I can't stand it

j every time you go I can't stand it

j everybody knows I can't stand it

j it makes me feel so blue I can't stand it

j oh, no, no

j oh, no, no

j when you're passing by I can't stand it

j who's the other guy? I can't stand it

j just to see you there I can't stand it

j oh, no, no

j I can't stand the pain

j it's hurting so inside

j don't you ever realise what you're doing to me?

J yeah, yeah, yeah!

J I can't stand it whooo!

J I can't stand it

j I can't stand it whoa, whoa, whoa!

J I can't stand it

j I can't stand it

j I can't stand it

j I can't stand it

j I can't stand it

j every time you go I can't stand it... j

hello!

What do you want?

Dance?

J oh, no, no

j when you're passing by I can't stand it

j who's the other guy? I can't stand it

j just to see you there I can't stand it... &

are you the rugby team from monmouth?

No, we're the girl guides from bath.

- This is serious, please! - This is ridiculous. Come on.

- These are the two we're looking for. - What's the problem, officer?

- We read all about them, lads. - This one, this one here.

Don't worry, officer, we'll find them for you.

J yeah, yeah, yeah!

J I can't stand it whooo!

J I can't stand it

j I can't stand it whoa, whoa, whoa!

J I can't stand it

j I can't stand it

j I can't stand it

j I can't stand it

j every time you go I can't stand it

&' everybody knows I can't stand it

j it makes me feel so blue I can't stand it

j oh, no, no

j when you're passing by I can't stand it... &

> we're havin' a wild weekend

j reelin' 'n' a-rockin'

j rockin' 'n' a-rollin'

j I met me a girl, she thought I was fine

j oh-oh, she'll come with me and we'll have a good time

j we got all dressed up and I took her out... j

let me see.

Stop it now. Come on!

- Where have you been? - We've been swapping costumes.

- Oh, Shirley temple. - No!

Yes. Dear god.

Yes, good idea.

Ah, there you are.

You four keep the coppers busy. Lead them outside and head them off in the road.

- Where shall we meet you? - Louis's farm.

We'll get to the island from there.

Uh, this way!

There they are!

Aaagh!

Eeeeek!

Waaaagh!

Whoo-hoo! Whoo!

Ah, good. Well, as the moment seems opportune, let's go.

Eh, there's a way out this way.

It's Shirley temple.

Hello, the coppers are here.

Hey, you, stop!

Both lung and kidney are highly beneficial

to the linings of the breathing and reproductive systems.

- Fine. - That enough?

- Five minutes more. - Oh!

- Then I'll take you out to dinner. - Well, make it fish.

Now...

Which are the most suitable cuts of beef for pot-roasting?

Plate, brisket, shoulder piece, Chuck roast, aitch bone,

middle rump and bed, please.

J when the world looks dark all around you

j all you need is love, I know

j all your doubts and fears will disappear

j and turn into song

J when the night lights shine from your window

j you'll remember all I've said

j and your heart will feel

j that sudden beat setting you a goal

j please come back to my arms

j I need all your love

j tonight

J when the clouds have gone you will see me

j can you turn your love my way?

J I want you to love me

j every minute of the day

j please come back to my arms

j I need all your love

j tonight

J when the clouds have gone you will see me

j can you turn your love my way?

J I want you to love me

j every minute of the day

j won't you say you will? J

That's it. That's Louis's place.

Ooh!

Full wuthering heights.

- Dad! Dad! - Hello!

Local lady to see you. “What? Who is it?

Oh, yeah.

Hello, Louis. Remember me?

Stepney, the youth club. You taught us judo, remember?

You're the fella that rode off with the girl!

That the girl? Yes.

- The butcher girl? - Dinah.

Well, well, well.

Look, son, the butcher girl. "Meat for go".

Course, it's all over the newspapers about you being kidnapped, you know.

Course, then I recognised you. I said to the wife, I said, "that's young Stan."

- Steve. - "Steve," I said, "it's a stunt."

- It is a stunt, innit? - No, we ran away.

Yeah, I thought it was a stunt. I said, "do me a favour, kidnapped!"

She wanted to get away. Back to the land.

Yeah, well, I can understand it. Away from the wear, the tear,

the dirt, the diesel fumes.

Whereas here, here you can breathe.

Room to move, you see.

Hey, kids, look, look, the butcher girl.

- Eh, like some dins? - Do what?

- Are you hungry? - Starving.

I'll get the wife to fix you something up.

Louis, the only thing is the other boys from stepney, they're gonna meet us here.

Ah, more the merrier!

See the butcher girl? See her?

Come on then, come on, come on.

He couldn't even remember your name.

So I started riding, got some stetsons, it went down very big.

And now, well, the welcom ranch.

See the barn? I'm going to turn that into a saloon.

And I want to put on a bit of a show, you know.

I like a good show. Well, you know that.

So I thought, well, I'd... I'd give them a demo, you know, western-style.

- Eh, you ever been in a western, Stan? - Don't make westerns in england.

- Yeah, but you can ride though? - Mm.

Yeah, well, you can come down next summer and play the bad man.

- No, thanks. - Well, the sheriff. I'm easy.

I'll be in Spain with the boys.

Mm, pity.

Never mind.

Course, when I get some capital, I'm going to buy up

some of those prefabricated chalets

and tart them up a bit and call them cabins.

You'd be a good gimmick. "Butcher girl's kidnapper rides again".

And we need the publicity.

Come and see the horses.

Well, what do you think of 'em?

It's no good you looking at me like that. I know you want a run.

I like to give 'em a bit of exercise in the winter but I don't get time.

You see, I have to do everything myself. I'm rushed off my feet.

We'll take them out for you.

Yah! Yah!

Come on! Here, boy!

Go on, get after them, get after them!

They're marvellous children.

- But then, so's Louis. - A marvellous child, yes.

I'm mad about him.

Crazy life he's had, did you notice?

- You were meant to notice. - You mean, his life?

- Bragging. - That's human.

- I know a lot of humans. - You're lucky.

I think he's got a fabulous life.

- Super family and... - Oh, come on, dinah, he's pathetic!

- Just because he flatters you. - More than you ever do.

- What does he do it for? - I don't know. Perhaps he likes me.

He wants you to advertise his tatty ranch.

- He knows it's tatty. - A gimmick on the moors.

Well, I'm coming back to help him later on.

What's to stop me?

Are you really going to Spain?

You don't care what happens to me once you get me to the island, do you?

Don't go back to zissell.

Why do you want to get there?

Why can't you enjoy the journey?

You give up too easily.

Hi, Louis!

Hey!

Hello, boys! How are you?

- Hey, Stan's expecting you. - Stan?

Yeah, him and dinah, they've gone riding.

- All we needed. - You won't get me on one of those things.

- Which way did they go? - Beyond those hills up there.

Driver, advance!

Hey! Straight through!

Eh, boys!

Over there!

- What's happened? - What's the panic?

Nothing much. There's only about 3,000 coppers on our tail, that's all.

Come on! Come on!

Take it out.

Come, get in!

- It's your fault! - Get in!

- If you hadn't stopped, we'd have been away. - Oh...

- Look, I'm all wet now! - Oh, for god's sake!

Should never have left the bloomin' office!

Looks like the end of the line. Everybody out.

Come on.

- You coming? - No, we'll wait, okay?

Not exactly the Bahamas.

"Was it worth it?" I ask myself.

- Hey, hold on a minute! - We want to go across!

[ Jazzy incidental music I

Isn't it fantastic, this thing?

Unique.

Think they'll be long?

No, shouldn't think so.

It's completely deserted.

It smells of dead holidays, doesn't it?

Look, there's somewhere we can get in.

Anybody here?

Anybody here?

Leon!

What are you doing here?

Terrible in the off-season, these resorts.

If you buy it, I hope you'll improve the service.

I don't believe we've met.

You look tired, Leon.

Are you surprised?

I had to explain your disappearance to all those barons of beef.

I didn't go much on the kidnapping line.

I'm sorry.

It was in bad taste.

But then ours is a tasteless business.

Who told you about the island?

Dinah's father had to sign a paper saying... you went to see him?

- You promised you wouldn't! - You promised you wouldn't run away again.

Oh!

Anyway, it's all turned out for the best.

The client is delighted, the agency's delighted,

every butcher in the land will be delighted.

And all you had to do was sit in your office?

Wondering what we were doing.

Imagining yourself in our situation.

Well, in some ways it was very stimulating,

trying to guess your next move and arrive at your destination before you,

which I did.

But you missed the journey.

The story of my life.

Poor old thing.

Well, as long as you enjoyed it.

It was a gas, Leon.

You should have come.

Perhaps next time.

In fact...

This is the first sad place we've been to.

Isn't it, Steve?

This island.

The last resort.

So you're not going to buy it?

I'd like to have that funny machine we came over in.

I wasn't brave enough to risk that.

How did you get here then? I didn't see a boat.

I walked.

On the water, of course.

Look.

He's brought his friends.

Tide's gone out.

Not even a proper island.

Just a gimmick in the sea.

Come on, we've got to go.

Coming?

- I don't think I can face it. - Yes, you can. Come on, come on.

Are you taking over yourself now, sir?

You look worn out.

I spent the night with a posse of police chasing four men in fancy dress.

Well, it's varied and interesting work and you will grow to love it.

- It hasn't stopped really. - Now, take a few days off.

It's been all go, you know. Still, that's good for my image, isn't it?

Well, that's changing, actually. We're moving on to gracious living.

No more stunts.

Cor, look!

I'll go ahead and cope with the press, sir.

- Hello, John, you look a bit washed-out too. - No, I'm fine!

Do I look all right?

You're asking me?

What shall I tell them?

- How about the truth? - Absolutely.

Deny the kidnapping.

Say that was the middle-aged deadbeat's misunderstanding

of the spontaneous and impulsive spirit of youth, et cetera.

You were just two young people who felt yourselves caught up

in the mechanisms of mass communications.

Give him a kiss then, yeah?

Wait one moment.

Wait one moment. One moment.

Can you tell us the...

Fine. Stunt boy, in a bit.

In a bit, come on.

Goodbye.

- Were you... were you kidnapped? - What? No, I wasn't kidnapped.

- You're sure? - I just went away for the weekend.

- Went away for the weekend?! - What are we waiting for?

I thought the police were very decent.

&' I want you to love me

j every minute of the day

j please come back to my arms

j I need all your love

j tonight...