Original subtitles

Amongst the many overnight success stories

in show business lore,

Midge Maisel's stands out from the rest.

Her journey from the Gaslight Café

in New York's Greenwich Village to worldwide fame and notoriety

is the stuff of legend.

Often press-shy,

she agreed to sit down with me and talk about her life.

Hey, you look a little nervous. Are you?

Well, there's that body in my trunk.

I've been meaning to dump it, but the day got away from me.

It's been quite a ride.

Grammy winner, Emmy winner,

the French Order of the Arts and Letters.

Does the phrase "living legend" apply?

Geez, Mike, I'm not dead yet.

Wait, am I? Call an ambulance.

Where'd this passion to perform come from?

What drives Midge Maisel?

I just love what I do.

I love talking to people, present company excepted,

I'm kidding.

I like money, I'm not ashamed of that.

And boy, oh, boy, do I love the sound of laughs.

And what she does is make people laugh.

At age 30,

18 consecutive sold-out nights at the Copacabana.

Numerous tours in the U.S., Canada,

and parts of Europe all sell out in minutes.

There's the requisite celebrity friendships.

Her shows with Bob Hope

and their many trips to Vietnam

were a favorite of the troops.

Midge, you look wonderful.

I love that gown. Is that a Schiaparelli?

Oh, I'm sorry, Bob, but I've forgotten where I bought it.

You mind if I look at the label?

What does it say?

"Off limits."

That's negotiable.

As her audience grew older,

her inclination to shock grew bolder,

culminating in the now infamous

1971 show at Carnegie Hall.

How does a lady like that

have the to show up looking like that?

Is anyone aware of the First Amendment?

Still applies.

What could have been a career-ending night of infamy

turned out to be...

As so many things do in Midge Maisel's life...

The beginning of a brand-new chapter,

with a brand-new audience of young fans

through her audacious college campus tours.

On top of all that, she raised two children,

a son, Ethan, and a daughter, Dr. Esther Maisel.

What was it like having Midge Maisel as your mother?

It was an incredible childhood, filled with laughter and warmth.

She's a wonderful mother.

The other kids must've been jealous.

Oddly, yes.

And then there were the men.

Men. Men and Midge Maisel.

So many men.

You sound like my accountant.

Four marriages, plus several, or should I say multiple,

other relationships.

- What gives? - I don't know.

Lucky in life, unlucky in love.

I thought I'd marry once. Joke's on me.

And then there's the relationship

that lasted longer than all the others combined.

You were client number one of the powerful

entertainment manager Susie Myerson, is that right?

That's right.

You know her current client list: Liza Minnelli,

George Carlin, Barbra Streisand.

Just about everybody in Hollywood.

Everybody except you.

A 25-year friendship gone bust.

- What happened? - What happened, Mike,

is that two people in show business

tried to have a friendship.

Shall I read what she recently said about you in Variety?

Don't bother, I've already had it tattooed on my.

And then there were her clothes.

And you're putting all these up for auction?

Every last button and bow.

In a way, these are my friends.

My first night at the Gaslight. Yup, the story is true.

My B. Altman switchboard dress. Those were fun times.

Oh, a classic.

What I wore the night of the great tarmac dump of 1960.

Night five of my first Copa run.

What I wore to Woodstock...

I didn't perform, but I sure got muddy.

Guest hosting Johnny Carson, my cameo in Mad, Mad World.

Oh, and this.

The outfit I wore on my first day as a writer for Gordon Ford.

My sitting outfit.

I put a lot of thought into this one.

And where do the proceeds go?

The Weissman/Maisel Children's Foundation,

for childhood education, health, hunger, housing.

Children are my best teachers.

Through them, I've learned to love, to laugh, to listen.

So everything I do, I do for the children.

Hit the lights, ladies.

And so comedy superstar Midge Maisel soldiers on,

through success and adversity, doing everything,

in her words, "For the children."

Eat, damn it, you little bastard!

Miriam!

He has to eat to survive.

- Not hungry! - Deaf ears!

- Your fault. - What is?

- The kids. - We didn't force you to have kids.

No, but you created the environment:

the dolls, the books about being a mommy,

the-the quarter-scale toy kitchen you rigged up for me

with the gas broiler and the little fridge

that plugged into a working socket.

I was very proud of that until you were electrocuted.

And now I'm gonna need some extra babysitting help.

This new job is five days a week.

Miriam, tell us again how you're gonna be a writer

on The Gordon Ford Show.

I don't understand.

There's nothing more to tell.

He offered me a job writing on the show,

and I said yes.

So, he just walks around the city

asking strangers if they want to be writers on his show?

He sounds unstable.

No, I'm sure he has people who normally do that,

but this time it came directly from him.

But what's there to even write?

Doesn't he just make it all up on the spot?

His whole opening monologue is written for him.

Oh, I thought he was just naturally funny.

This is shattering my illusions.

Sorry, I should have broken it to you more gently.

- And you're sure it was him? - Am I...

Because I read about this woman,

she was walking down Sixth Avenue,

and who does she bump into but Winston Churchill.

He tells her he needs to get back to England

because his daughter's sick, but he lost his wallet.

That's the worst.

So, she gives him everything she had, $40.

Well, later on, the same man is caught

walking around Union Square with his pants at his ankles,

yelling at seagulls.

So it wasn't Winston Churchill?

That's my point.

Maybe it wasn't Gordon Ford who hired you.

It was Gordon Ford, okay?

I got hired by Gordon Ford,

his pants were up, and I accepted the job.

Now let's discuss the kids.

Oh, I'm happy to do all I can, Miss Miriam.

I hope you know that.

It's become a great joy in my life, watching the kids.

And when I can't watch them, well...

I can.

I love picking Ethan up after school,

and Esther loves to come along.

She rides on my shoulders

and tells me, "Giddyap, Janusz!"

And that's when I giddyap and go like the wind.

I'm happy to stay and play with them

whenever you need me, even at night.

They're fantastic.

My life was hard: the war, the bombings.

So much suffering.

But, uh, spending time with your children...

They make me think about having my own children.

For the first time in my life.

Well, thank you.

Both of you. I really appreciate it.

- Who is that? - Don't you know?

He always has a screwdriver with him.

I thought he was a handyman.

I didn't hire a handyman.

He seems very familiar with the children.

And Zelda.

He's been here off and on for weeks,

and none of us know who he is?

Whoever he is, sounds like he's free.

Do not leave the salt out!

Since when do we not leave the salt out?

The salt is always out!

I put it away always, so the rats don't get in it.

It's not sugar, it's salt...

You stopped her on the street!

She stopped me! She's a yenta!

She walks up and down the street waiting to stop and schmooze!

Moishe Maisel, I have never said

an unkind word about you to anyone!

Tell me when I did!

Just last year at Disneyland!

That jab about my tuchus!

What I said to Donald Duck that day

is between me and Donald...

Buddy, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry.

How'd you know it was me?

I've been dreading the call ever since I left you there.

- How do you feel? - Like a tank hit me.

You went on a bender last night, epic in scale.

- Give me the headlines. - You walked in smashed.

- You were hitting on girls right in front of their dates. - And one of them beat me up?

No, then you went onstage and insulted the band.

And the band beat me up?

No. Then you did a little stand-up,

and when I turned my back, you disappeared.

How you got back up those stairs, I don't know,

but you were bleeding buckets.

I took you to the emergency room.

They patched you up and released you,

but you couldn't go home, not alone.

Your ribs are cracked, you've got stitches.

So... I brought you there.

- Please forgive me. - You're forgiven.

I talked to Grumpy and Sneezy that day, too!

Oh, so you turned all the Disney characters

- against me, very nice! - Actually, you may not be forgiven just yet.

Jury's out.

Anything I can do?

Nah. I got an idea.

I'll talk to you later.

In your dreams!

You think Cinderella wasn't looking me up and down?

Oh, yes, she was!

Hello! We're here!

Who's here? Who is here?

Somebody's here!

Hi, Grandma. Hi, Grandpa.

- Were we expecting you? - It's the kids.

When I asked how they wanted to spend their Sunday,

they said with Grandma and Grandpa Maisel.

How sweet.

Come give Grandpa a big hug there, kids. Come on.

No, Grandma first. Come to Grandma.

- I had dibs. No, come on, come on, bubele. - Come on, come on.

Zaydee's waiting. Grandpa has feelings, too.

No, you're gonna hurt my feelings and break my heart.

And his knees are hurting quite badly.

- My knees are hurting, too. - You don't want to damage Grandpa's knees.

- Do you? I've got candy. - My back's not so good either.

- Grandpa's knees are fine. - And football injuries.

- And my heart can break, too... - - You don't want to break my heart.

- It's weak already. - Oh, look, there he is.

Our little patient.

- Hi. - Hi.

Don't be scared, he's gonna be fine.

Your father was hit by a very small car,

but already he's so much better. Look, he's walking.

And did you grow?

- These aren't my pajamas. - Okay.

I'm fine, guys. Really.

It looks worse than it is.

Hey, why don't you two go into the living room

- and dig out your toys? - I'll come with. Let's go, kids.

- Yeah, I'll be right in. - - I didn't want to come here today.

- Go get your toys... - Ma, where are my clothes?

At the dry cleaner's. They were all dirty and bloody.

They'll be back in six, eight hours tops.

But what are these? They're not Ethan's.

They're not my old ones.

I keep a supply of little boy pajamas

on hand at all times, like everyone else.

No one else does that.

Hey, Shirley, better get into the living room

- before the kids run out of hugs. - Oh, yeah.

Kids, Grandma's coming. Save me some hugs.

It's a long story.

Love to hear it. Come on.

Don't pull so hard.

Midge, you're pulling the stitches.

Well?

I got into a scuffle.

That's your long story? That wasn't even a haiku.

It was at the club.

You got into a fight at the club? Where was Archie?

- I talked to Mei. - Mei? Mei did not do this.

Joel? What about Mei?

There is no Mei, okay?

No Mei?

You broke up? But what about the baby?

There's no Mei and there's no baby.

There. You happy?

No baby? I...

No baby.

She's moving. Moved.

She's already in Chicago.

- It's over. - I'm sorry.

- No. - Sorry.

I was afraid something like this would happen.

- Like what? - I...

- She wasn't ready. - How do you know?

I just had a feeling after we talked at the hospital.

- At the hospital? - When we discussed the kids and how it would work...

- You mean with Pop? - she just didn't seem to be on the same page as you.

- Are you kidding me? - No.

And you didn't think to maybe give me a heads-up

that my whole fucking life was about to come crashing down?

It was just a feeling I had, an intuition.

You never should have spoken to her in the first place.

- Joel... - This is what could've pushed her over the edge.

Made her do what she did.

- Hey, that's not fair. She chose. - With your help!

I'm gonna wait till you get better to smack you

because now won't be fun.

I did nothing to push Mei away.

I've got eight hours till my clothes are back.

I'm gonna go lie down.

- I could swing by your place and... - I'm good.

Are you fucking kidding me?

Okay, so, I thought I'd picked out

the perfect first day outfit for Gordon Ford.

I mean, I spent hours thinking about it,

sorting through multiple color combinations,

but around 5:00 this morning, something struck me.

Was it a blunt object?

- What? - Go on.

This isn't a standing job.

It's a sitting job.

Huh. Explain.

B. Altman, I stood at the counter.

That was a standing job.

Doing stand-up comedy, that's a standing job.

I know how to dress for that, but this,

working at Gordon Ford, this is a sitting job,

predominantly, so the skirt can't be straight.

I mean, it can be straight if there's a slit in it,

but not a side slit, no.

If I shift in my seat, even a little,

they'll get an eyeful.

A back slit is okay, like a...

like a tasteful vent extension,

but again, that's more for ease of walking.

So that brings us back to flare. It needs to flare.

And it needs to flare in a way that will accommodate

a variety of different sitting positions.

Interesting. Really interesting.

- And that's why you called? - Yep.

So, to review, you called me at four-fucking-fifty-fucking-six

in the morning, after hours of thought

and excessive consideration about color combinations,

because you suddenly realized

that this job would involve sitting?

- Yeah. - But before that,

you thought that the job was to stand

in front of Gordon Ford for eight straight hours

and pitch jokes? That is just fucking dumb.

I don't know what the job is.

New rule, for you

and the entire demented moronic fucking Weissman clan,

no one, and I mean no one, is allowed to ring my goddamn phone

before 10:30 in the morning for any reason.

Here's a fresh cup, Miss Susie.

Unless It's Zelda.

'Cause I know if Zelda calls me,

she will make up for it with something delicious.

- Thank you, Miss Susie. - Mm-hmm.

Psst.

I have some major household dish for you.

Is it dumb? Because really, if it's dumb,

I am throwing you out that goddamn window.

Zelda has a boyfriend.

A new one? What happened to Janusz?

No, it is Janusz. How do you know about Janusz?

She's been with him for, like, four months.

I run into them on the nights they hit the Village.

He's an excellent dancer.

How are you just finding out about this?

- He just changed the hardware in the bathroom. - That was him?

You didn't notice a guy who looks like Mr. Clean

who's got a boner for Zelda hanging out in your apartment?

Guess I'm not as observant as I should be.

And you're an observational comic.

I mean, really, there's something missing in you.

Oh, shoot. Drinks after work.

Not only do I need an outfit for sitting at work,

but it has to be appropriate for drinks with the gang.

Okay. This is not a cocktail party.

It's a job. Here.

This...

with this and this.

- And this. - Wow. That's great.

And you can sit in it and everything?

I want to be sure that you can sit in it.

- It's got enough flare? - It's perfect.

- Going back to bed. - Thank you, Susie.

Fuck you, Midge.

- No! - Who is she talking to?

Sorry, I'm-I'm talking to him.

Subway weirdo.

Midge!

I said no. I don't want to talk to you.

Please wait. I... I never got a chance to explain.

Tell it to your espresso machine.

Oh, Midge, come on.

Excuse me, excuse me. Bad man behind me.

I have no phone number for you, no address.

- I had no way to contact you. - Good.

I didn't want you to contact me.

Chanel? Really nice.

I went to the park every morning for weeks.

You never showed.

That's because I never went back to the park.

I brought flowers every day to apologize.

I hope you brought 'em home to the wife.

It's a shame to waste flowers.

- Ah, that is nice. - Mm-hmm.

Hey. Excuse me. Excuse me.

Two minutes. That's all I ask. Look.

Two minutes!

Okay, that was fun and all, but I just need to tell you...

Unbelievable.

Excuse me. Coming through.

- Make a hole, damn it. - Rude!

Me?

You're the ones lined up like the offensive line

of the Princeton Tigers.

- Hey! - Oh, my God.

I'd never done that, I swear.

Done what? Stalked a woman on the subway?

Brought a woman back to my place.

- You mean you and your wife's place. - It's not what you think.

I'm sorry, but we talked and talked,

and you never said you were married.

- I'm not! - So who was that, your sister?

Was your sister unhappy you were sleeping with another woman?

- 'Cause that's a problem, too. - You know, I'd really rather

that all of New York not hear about this.

You're the one who started it.

Why are you going uptown now?

You were going downtown.

This is downtown.

Damn it.

Damn it. Midge? You here?

- Midge? - Excuse me. Is there a problem?

I'm sorry, I was just looking for a friend of mine.

Officer, that's the man who assaulted me on the staircase.

- Assaulted you? When? - I didn't assault anyone.

He cursed at us and called us offensive.

- What the heck? - They were blocking the staircase.

- Two minutes. - Jesus H. Christ.

Then you never have to see me again, I promise.

Tell him it's okay.

It's okay.

I messed up really bad.

I put you in an awful situation.

Awful? It was more than awful.

It was every synonym for awful, you choose.

I'll work on one tonight.

- So, that was my wife. - And not your sister.

But we were separated and living apart.

That was my place. She got our old house.

So, why'd she waltz in like that?

To drop off the dog,

which she's supposed to do with prior notice.

- And now we're getting divorced. - You and the dog?

The marriage was over long before I met you.

Look, Midge, meeting you, the talks we had,

it was a lifesaver for me.

But I'm not here to get you to reconsider.

I just want to apologize.

- How is the dog? - She took the dog.

- What? - And changed his name.

That's rotten.

Did I ruin Riverside Park for you? Tell me I didn't.

Just temporarily. I'm back in it now.

Good, 'cause it's a great park.

It is.

Well, maybe we'll run into each other there again, sometime.

Maybe.

Maybe's good.

I'll take maybe.

Bye, Midge.

Goodbye, Sylvio.

I'm rooting for you, son.

And you say Gordon hired you?

Gordon doesn't hire people personally.

I know it's unusual, but he came to my strip club,

uh, my club,

- where I perform. - Oh, I get it.

No, you don't. I'm a stand-up. A comedian.

So, you're here to be on the show?

You have to be booked to be on the show.

You can't just walk in off the street

and ask to be booked on the show.

I didn't just walk in off the street. Oh, wait.

He knows me. Mike! Mike! Mike!

Mike! Mike! Mike! Mike! Mike!

Mike! Mike! Midge Maisel.

Let her in.

You and I haven't officially met.

Look, Mike,

I know you and Susie got off to a rocky start.

Rocky start. You're... very funny.

But now I'm here, and don't you think it would be best to...

Do you know it has no smell?

What? What doesn't?

My tree.

Because it's a piece of shit tree

that I grabbed in haste to get away

from your little troll of a manager. My apartment has

no Christmassy smell

'cause the goddamn tree

is a piece of shit, lifeless tree.

You are gonna learn to like me.

Boy, you two, peas in a pod.

It may take a month, two months tops.

Hell, give me six months,

and you and I are bowling and drinking beer.

Look, I got to go, but would you deliver a message to Susie?

Sure.

I will pass it on.

You're late, by the way.

Those are the writers? Is that...

Is that where I'm supposed to go?

- That's the writers' room. Go. - Thanks.

- Oop. - - You don't think he could direct

- a drama, Alvin? - - Mel was on Caesar with me.

I have no problem with Mel Brooks. I like Mel Brooks.

Mel Brooks is funny.

- But? - Here it comes.

- He likes air. - Oh!

Oh, does he like air.

He comes in a room like a Hoover, and he sucks it all up.

Ask Simon. Ask Gelbart. Hell, ask Sid.

The green-eyed monster doth mock the meat it feeds on.

Geez, Cess, Shakespeare before noon?

My only request, dear Alvin,

please stop taking your hatred for Mel Brooks

out on me just because we share a name.

- I don't hate Mel Brooks. - Me neither.

Hi.

Am I in the right place?

- No. - Don't think so.

This is the writers' room, right?

- Pretty much. - Who's asking? - We're writers in a room.

Well, I'm your new writer.

Alvin?

George mentioned some girl was starting with us.

He didn't say when.

Well, I'm some girl,

and today is the day. Who's George?

- You'll know him when you see him. - Mothballs.

- Boat shoes. - I have boat shoes.

I wouldn't have minded being consulted about a new hire,

but I'm just the head writer, so what do I know? Milly?

- Midge. - Midge?

Never trust people whose names don't rhyme with anything.

Smidge. Bridge. Fridge.

Shit.

That's Ralph, Mel, Adam, Cecil,

- and I'm Alvin. Sit. - Great.

Got my sitting outfit on.

- Your what? - It's a flared skirt

for sitting instead of standing.

I mean, you can stand in it, but it looks good

when you're sitting, too.

Got that versatility, like pants.

So, Gordon's in a foul mood.

- Again? - What in that man's charmed life is so terrible?

- He's given up smoking. - Oh, Jesus.

- Oh, come on. - Oh, for God's sake.

And he doesn't want anyone else

smoking in the office.

If he gets divorced, does everyone else have to, too?

Can I finish this one at least? No?

Guess cancer will have to wait.

First they came for the cigarettes,

and I did not speak out.

So, let's get going here, boys.

- Give me a good mix, 20 in one. - Uh...

What... Wait, where...

Um, Alvin, what's 20 in one?

Yeah?

Yeah, I know Bernstein's tonight.

I read the memo.

No, I'm not gonna hand him a bunch of dumb Maestro jokes.

Come on, Alex. Just give him a goddamn cigarette.

Hi. Hey.

Any idea what 20 in one is?

Nope.

The Gordon Ford Show.

Yes, he's quit smoking.

Well, we're spreading the word now,

we weren't keeping it from you.

Yes, we all have to quit smoking.

Oh, hi, Midge. Susie, it's Midge.

She sounds a little weird.

How's it going, champ?

Panic. I'm in a panic. Oh, boy.

- Take a deep breath. - I'm hyperventilating.

Stick your head between your legs.

Who is that? Dinah?

Or have a cigarette.

- What is wrong with you? - Why didn't you tell me

about 20 in one?

I don't know. What is 20 in one?

The head writer just sent us off to do 20 in one.

It's 20 jokes in one hour, and that was eight minutes ago,

so I've got... I'm so freaked out, I can't even do the math.

You've got 52 minutes to write 20 jokes.

Quick math here, that's a joke every 2.6 minutes. Ha.

- Finally using math. - Not helping.

And I'm assuming they need to be broadcast quality jokes.

Each one a winner.

Dinah, why are you on the phone?

I got her on to listen and learn.

It's how all the big agencies do it.

You're now down to a joke every 2.5 minutes.

You're not supposed to talk, Dinah.

I don't toss jokes off like that.

They take time. I mold them,

massage them, and now I'm just blanking,

and the clock is ticking.

Well, let's prime the pump here, get the juices flowing.

How about this? Uh, Washington Square Park isn't square,

it's a rectangle, so they should change the name

to Washington Rectangle Park.

- Oh, that's cute. - That's a terrible joke.

Yeah, well I'm not the fucking joke writer. You are.

No, I'm not. I told you that.

Well, you've got the job, so fake it till you make it.

I should check my notebook. See if anything inspires me.

All that matters is that Gordon Ford thinks you're funny.

How's it going with him? You two bonding?

I haven't seen him. I think he's in a different part

of the building. And was I supposed to have an office?

Because I don't seem to have an office.

I didn't think about that.

Barely even have a chair,

and I-I have no idea where the ladies' room is,

and everyone seems to be talking in code,

and Mike Carr wanted me to pass this on to you.

I assume you're flipping me off.

Both fingers. I got to go.

Got to start thinking... writing. Goodbye.

Gordon Ford Show.

I really loved him.

He's the one I miss.

How did your second husband die?

Well, it was the darndest thing.

It was winter, and he was walking down the street

- when he slipped on ice. - Oh, my God.

It gets worse. The street was on a hill,

and he slid all the way down where these men

- were running a wood chipper. - Oh, my God.

It gets worse. Rose, where are you going?

Oh, no. Oh, my God.

- What happened? - A fire happened, lady.

Now, please, back away.

- But how? - Could be electrical,

could be arson, we don't know yet.

Arson...

This is too much.

This is too damn much.

What is, Rose? What's too damn much?

My tearoom.

Mr. Carr, Florence on 2.

I think that was just 59 minutes.

Shut up. All right, Mel, you look smug

and self-satisfied. Start us off.

"Last week marked the Broadway debut of Camelot

and the off-Broadway debut of Cam-A-Little."

Put it in the maybes.

- Adam? - Uh...

"It's that time of year,

kids are writing letters to Santa."

He doesn't like Santa jokes.

Can I finish?

"Isn't the faith of a child amazing?

To believe that Santa Claus will come down your chimney

with presents, even after seeing him hungover at Macy's."

- He doesn't like Santa jokes. - Shit.

- Ralphy? - Skipping over my Santa jokes.

Uh, "So, you may have heard that NASA is planning

to send a chimp into space.

They wanted to send a chump, but Jerry Lewis

and my producer George refused to go."

Run it by George, see if it bothers him.

They need to cut to a shot of him. Cecil?

I miss Nixon.

- And? - Oh, that's it, that's all I got.

Astounding professionalism, Cess. I'll get back to you.

New girl?

Oh, uh... that's me.

Only one with girl parts in the room.

Don't make assumptions.

"There's an old saying,

if you ever need someone to..."

When someone hits the john, we do this to cover the sound.

Got it.

- Where were we? - The girl.

- That's me. - Go ahead.

Okay. "So, there's an old saying..."

Amanuensis!

- Amanuensis! - Coming!

Type 'em up and get 'em to Gordon.

- Got it. - That's lunch.

Where you going?

- Chinese. - Pass. - So, Alvin, none

of my jokes got into...

Right, sorry.

- Abe. - Hello, Terrence.

Gesundheit.

Thank you. You should probably be getting to your lunch.

Oh, dear, I lost track of the time.

Gesundheit.

I'd go, but this damn cold.

Maury downstairs has a really bad cold, too.

Anything specific you want me to discuss with her, or...

It's just a "get to know you" lunch.

She'll talk up some things she wants to bring to New York,

bend your ear a little bit. She liked your review, too.

Gesundheit.

- Thank you. - Which one?

That comedy she transferred from the West End.

A Pudding for Nigel.

Oh, that was wonderful.

I did pick at it a little bit.

And she made changes based on your criticism.

Said they made it so much...

so much...

Let's go with "better."

Penelope is a true Brit.

Her father owns six newspapers, her mother is a baroness,

they're very chummy with the Royals.

- Wow. - She'll tell you stories.

- Great stories. It'll be fun. - I'll report back.

And the Voice pays for lunch. We take no favors.

Got it.

I was going to say "better."

We figured.

Francie.

Double, triple, quadruple-check this.

If they crap out again, we find a new car service.

- How was your morning? - Really?

Just trying to break the ice. I gave Susie your message.

Well, there he is, spectacularly late,

as always. Harassing the staff.

- Oh, he's in fine form. - Who is that?

That is George Toledano,

venerated producer of The Gordon Ford Show.

Oh. I've been hearing about him. Would you mind introducing us?

I want him to die.

- So, I should introduce myself? - A long,

painful death. I want him to fall off

that stupid tiny dinghy he calls a yacht,

but I don't want him to drown.

I want him to float

on a splintery piece of driftwood.

That asinine, condescending, supercilious...

George. How are you today?

Mikey, my boy. How's it going, old sport?

Oh, you know, George, same old, same old.

I don't believe I've met this sight for sore eyes.

I'm a new writer, sir. Midge Maisel.

I heard we had a lady writer coming aboard.

Nice to meet you. And call me George.

You can call me George, too.

Funny. I like that.

You must know Madelyn Pugh.

I don't think so.

Wrote for I Love Lucy? Funny lady.

How about, uh, Nancy Clark? Writes for The Ann Sothern Show.

Oh, she doesn't know every lady writer, George.

- Nice to have you here. - Thank you.

- Nice boat shoes. - Ooh.

You certainly beautify the place.

I can cancel those new plants I ordered.

He gets kissy at parties, so watch yourself.

- Thanks for the warning. - Goddamn it.

Goddamn writers handing me this crap.

Can we just toss cigarettes at him?

- Lit? - That's a fire hazard.

Back to the drawing board, fellas.

Let's assemble.

They'll get us there, Gordy.

They always do.

- Unbelievable. - Wow. - God.

So, what's the deal?

He wants them shorter and not topical.

Now he tells us.

Wasted the whole morning.

Until the bell, guys. 20 in one.

- I need coffee. - Trudy, coffee run.

Everything shut down during the war. The arts were decimated.

Were you there the whole time?

I was in London during the Blitz.

I saw the German Luftwaffe

flying through the air.

My grandmother's house in Mayfair was bombed.

- My God. - She lived,

but we thought the world had ended.

Then, in '44, Larry did Richard the Third.

- Larry? - Olivier.

- Ah. - I sat in the front row,

and, I don't know, my faith in mankind was restored.

- I knew that we could beat Hitler. - That's wonderful.

Then I slept with Larry.

That's better than sleeping with Hitler.

I know it sounds silly, but that helped restore my faith, too.

- Mm. - Our île flottante,

- and it's on the house. - Darling boy, thank you.

- L'addition, s'il vous plait? - Right away.

Abraham, I'll leave you with this,

Harold Pinter.

I'm bringing The Birthday Party here in spring,

- and I want you to see it. - I'd love to.

He's not for everybody, but I think he's a mad genius,

and he's only 30, such a young, virile age.

The Nobel is in his future.

- I'll be there. - Music to my ears.

Oh, dear, it's so much later than I thought.

Ah, this is on the Voice.

So kind.

I should bring my wife here. She'd love this place.

She's such a Francophile.

- My husband is French. - Ah.

They should meet. Now, I'm so sorry, I have to dash.

More île flottante pour moi.

If I had known I'd be dining with such a charming man,

I'd have scheduled time to linger.

Next time I won't make that mistake.

This...

this wallet

is so old.

I really need

change it out.

I'm trying to

remember how old it is. Maybe seven, eight years.

You don't think to change your wallet till you get one

as a gift, but if you don't get one as a gift,

you never change your wallet.

- How are you liking it? - Liking what?

The, uh, dessert?

Ah, it's... it's...

ve-ve-very-very good, very fine. Here.

- Ah. Merci. - Here.

You are silly.

At times, yes, but at other times

I'm more... dramatic,

like Olivier, or not Olivier, I'm nothing like Olivier.

I'm more like...

Buster Keaton,

just a big, old,

sad, floppy clown boy.

Sweet.

Till next time.

They've been gone a long time. That's a good sign, right?

Not necessarily. Last Tuesday?

We almost didn't make it to air.

- Should I get my typewriter? - Do not get your typewriter.

- What are we waiting for? - The verdict from rehearsal.

Here they come. Duck and cover.

- Ah, hell. - Goddamn it, Teddy.

- I love you guys, too. - What happened?

He's the cue card guy. Means the monologue's not locked.

- Should I get my typewriter? - Do not get your typewriter.

- What's left? - Zip.

- He threw the entire thing out. - Holy shit.

It's one hour to show.

Should've gotten my typewriter.

Definitely.

I know it's disappointing, gang,

but ours is not to reason why,

ours is but to write new jokes or die.

Now, I've got to go say hello to Angie Dickinson.

Poor me.

Okay, guys, lightning round. Old, new, whatever you got.

Oh, shit.

- Trudy, hustle. - I'm already in.

Gordon wants 'em topical.

You said before he wanted 'em not topical.

Gordon is large, he contains multitudes. Ralphy?

Uh, topical, topical...

Uh, "Emily Post died, so now no one knows

the proper etiquette to send their condolences."

- Not bad. - Get it down. Cess?

Uh, "I went to the premiere of a French film the other day."

It's called Le Hau-hau-hau-hau-hauuu."

"Translates roughly into English as

Le Hau-hau-hau-hau-hauuu."

Not bad. We should follow it up with something. Mel?

"Ben-Hur, if he's a him, what's with the Hur?"

- Pass. Adam? - Uh, "Some sad news,

Clark Gable passed away. He's survived by his wife,

his children and his mustache."

He loved Gable. Put it in. Who else?

Uh, well, I worked on some new stuff during rehearsal.

- You what? - Jesus.

- I worked on some new stuff. - She jinxed it.

- You jinxed it. - Jinxed what?

We never work on new stuff during rehearsal,

- ever. - What? Why?

It guarantees that Gordon's gonna throw everything out.

I'm sorry, Gordon somehow knew I was sitting in a bathroom

stall jotting down jokes?

That's why he threw out the script? Is he omniscient?

If anyone is...

Let the girl pitch. Go on, Midge.

Thank you, Alvin.

"The Unsinkable Molly Brown

is a new show on Broadway.

I heard that the ushers are seating

women and children first."

She was on the Titanic.

He nixed a Molly Brown joke last week.

- Mine. - Got another?

Yeah, um...

"There's gonna be a baby in the White House, little JFK Jr.

It'll be a clean transition.

White House staff already learned

how to change diapers with Eisenhower."

"A" for effort. Cess?

- Oh, now wait a minute. - Yeah?

I'm sorry, but that last one was funny.

- No, it wasn't. - Yes, it was.

- No one laughed. - I think the audience would,

and it's topical, he wants topical.

A joke is not funny

just because you say it's funny.

No, it's not funny because I say it's funny.

It's funny because it's funny.

- And you know funny? - Yeah, I know funny.

Great. Alvin, put my Ben-Hur joke in

because I know funny, and I think it's funny.

- Mel... - Your Ben-Hur joke was not funny.

- Oh, really? - Or topical or fresh.

Wasn't even funny when I heard Jack Paar do it two weeks ago.

- Oh! - Alvin.

We have no time for this. Sorry. Cess, go.

Okay, uh...

"There's a commercial for dishwashing soap.

- "Any of you see it?" - I bet she did.

Hi, yes, he's expecting your call.

Abe, how was your meeting?

Cover your goddamn mouth, Terrence.

- That was harsh. - Gabe, Gabe.

- Abe, you okay? - I've got a question,

and be honest because

I don't know all the intricacies

of New York theater customs...

Okay.

Is this sexual?

So many thoughts

running through my mind right now, Abe.

- You're wondering why I'm asking. - Very much.

At my lunch with Penelope,

it was all going so smoothly.

We talked about theater and criticism and the war.

Then she did this with her hand,

- and it felt... - Sexual?

- Yes. - That's because it is.

I knew it.

So, it was a sexualized gesture.

One of the oldest.

You can remove your hand now.

I don't get it.

I don't get it. It was lunch.

So?

Nothing sexual happens before 7:00 in the evening,

6:30 at the earliest.

Never at 1:42 in the afternoon on a Monday.

I am learning a lot about you today.

I've been racking my brain, trying to think if I said

something that gave her the wrong impression.

Was I too kind to A Pudding for Nigel?

Is that all it takes?

That, and a hearty Bordeaux.

How did you know we had wine?

Because you smell like wine.

Oh, my God, we had wine.

You know, she's never made a pass at me. Terrence,

has Penelope ever made a pass at you?

Uh-uh. She knows I'm a homosexual.

- What? Since when? - Since birth, probably.

- But you're married. - Oh, I left my wife years ago.

I live with Maury now.

From accounting? With the cold.

Terrence, we need to talk more.

Gabe, what do I tell my wife?

- Your wife? - Yes, my wife.

Nothing.

- Abe, nothing happened. - Nothing happened,

but something happened.

But nothing happened.

She'll know. She'll sense it.

Abe, do not tell her about Penelope.

About you and me just now, yes, but not her,

and I promise never to put you in that position again.

You are too tempting.

Gabe.

- It's all in the past. - Maybe.

It's in the past. Say it with me.

It's in the past.

Good.

- Wasn't Maury married? - He lived with his sister.

That was his sister? I am so out of the loop.

He's on the move!

- He's on the move. - He's on the move.

- He's on the move. - Where's Adam?

- Yeah, where is Adam? - It's showtime.

I was saying hi to my parents.

What are you, 14?

Keep the aisles clear.

And if you do have to leave, please do so quietly.

Emergency exit doors are on both sides in the back.

Other than that, make a lot of noise

when it comes to showing Gordon you are happy to be here.

- Do we have a monologue? - No idea.

You sound like a great audience, guys. Feel free

to laugh at anything you find funny,

and applaud when we light the sign.

Whoa. Whoa.

We didn't even light the sign.

You're already disobeying orders.

We got a great show tonight. See you in a minute.

Okay, so let's do Clark Gable, Emily Post, the NASA joke,

the automat joke that we dropped on Friday...

Put that next to last... and did the Dennis the Red Menace thing

- make it past the censors? - They didn't flag it.

We're basically saying the kid's a communist.

They didn't flag it.

Put it in. And I'll throw in a riff

about the hat on the lady in the second row. She wore that thing

- to be noticed. - You got it, boss.

- Teddy? - I thrive on this.

Good man.

The cavalry comes through again.

Wow.

Right down to the wire.

He keeps us on our toes.

Places, everyone.

Places, everyone.

Sorry about before.

I checked with a friend, Paar did do that joke. Fuck me.

Hey, Teddy, you posing for the Kama Sutra?

Up yours, Mel.

Ladies and gentlemen,

it's The Gordon Ford Show!

Angie Dickinson,

Steve Lawrence, and novelist Ray Bradbury.

Now here's your host,

Gordon Ford!

Thanks, everyone. Thanks for coming out.

It's getting festive here in New York, isn't it?

With all the twinkling lights

and window displays and chestnuts

roasting over an open trash can fire.

He doesn't like us in his eyeline.

It's a generous time of year.

- My mom looks so old. - - A guy picked the wallet

right out of my pocket, gave it back to me gift-wrapped.

I mean it, it had a ribbon on it and everything.

George, you've had your pocket picked.

Did you ever get that original copy of the Magna Carta back?

I told you not to carry that thing around like that.

More fool me.

Of course, you've all heard the sad news,

- the great Clark Gable has passed away. - - Aw...

He's survived by his wife, his children,

and his mustache.

Now, ma'am, is that a hat, or is your hair on fire?

'Cause we can help you. We have firemen

standing right outside. They can rush right in here,

hose you down real quick, free of charge.

How's Chaim? How's my baby boy?

Oh, he's just the greatest

little man on the planet.

You should have seen the other day,

he was playing with a basketball,

but he's so tiny,

he rolled right over the top of it

and did a complete somersault.

I wish I'd seen that.

The ball landed on top of him. He never let go of it.

It was too cute.

Noah, listen, I'm calling with a question,

then I'll let you go.

- Sure. - Could you order a quick raid on an enemy?

- Pardon? - I know the CIA

is very busy. I wouldn't ask if it wasn't important.

Mom, what? I'm an analyst. I've told you a million times.

I wouldn't need to know the details.

I respect your privacy.

What enemy? What are you talking about?

It's this, uh, shall we say, "coterie" I'm dealing with.

I'm talking something fast, unexpected, but severe.

A very fast, hard attack.

Well, short answer, Ma, I cannot order a raid.

Well, can I speak to someone in the raid department, then?

You could just give me the number.

We don't have a raid department.

Ma, who the hell is this "coterie" you want to raid?

Just some women.

They meet occasionally in Coney Island,

and I just thought, if I knew they were there

at a specific time, you could firebomb it or something.

Ma, I'm at work.

Perfect, can you ask a colleague?

They sometimes monitor these calls, Ma.

We cannot talk about this.

Oh. Well, should I call back later?

We could use a code word.

- How about "flower girl"? - No!

Well, then should we meet in the park at dusk?

I read about spies doing that.

I really can't continue this conversation.

Oh, your father's home.

Abe, would you like to say hi to Noah?

Hi.

Pop, what the hell is going on with...

- Abe? - Hi.

Are you all right?

Oh, I'm fine. Thank you.

How was your day? Did you

make some good matches at the tearoom?

Oh, yes. Yes, I, um,

went to the tearoom.

How was the tea?

It was very nice.

Corinne and I went there,

and it was exactly as it always is.

- Very nice. - That's nice.

Mm. Did you have a nice day?

Just a... typical, nice Monday.

Yeah, ate dessert at my desk,

typed some, the usual.

What did you have for dessert?

Did I say dessert? Lunch.

I ate lunch.

You want to go out to dinner?

Rose, that's awful.

I wasn't gonna tell you because I didn't want to worry you.

But it was just so upsetting,

watching the place burn like that.

And the smell, oolong and ash.

You know you can always tell me anything.

The tearoom was my office. I met all my clients there.

I don't know what I'm gonna do without it.

The whole place smelled like a... wedding cake.

Abe. What is this?

A fondly intentioned

sexualized gesture.

Oh.

Well, it is past 7:00.

Am I supposed to do something in return?

I think it's optional.

Okay.

- I told you there'd be drinks. - But it's okay

because your outfit was made for sitting,

and you sit in a bar, right?

The flare can accommodate that?

You know, I'm tired of people mocking me

for thinking about how a dress works in different situations.

So, Toots Shor's is their hangout, huh?

They come here because Gordon doesn't.

He got into some fight with Toots

and won't set foot in the place.

- They call it their sanctuary. - I got to start working

that place. It's a good place.

Susie...

- the job is weird. - How so?

They don't think I'm funny.

Well, they don't have to,

so long as Gordon thinks you're funny.

The day felt like a week,

and we have to do it all over again tomorrow

and then the next day and the next.

Well, you better not fucking call me about tomorrow's outfit.

I won't.

Now go mingle. Make some friends.

Be confident. You love an audience.

Think of those guys as your audience.

- Use 'em. - I'll try.

- Bye. - Bye.

Rushes ahead of me at the front of the line,

buys the same can of tuna every day,

89 cents.

She's counting out pennies.

"One, two, I lost my place, one, two..."

I'm going nuts.

Sure?

Harvard did teach me manners, after all.

Along with very useful Greek and how to hit a shuttlecock.

There's not a bomb underneath it, is there?

Are you kidding me? Are you fucking kidding me?

He made peace with Toots?

Not to my knowledge.

I personally heard him call Toots

a fat fuck not two weeks ago.

They almost came to blows that time.

They had to be separated.

- What changed? - Hey, all.

- Good show tonight. - Hey.

Tough journey, but we got it there.

That's what Alvin's wife said on their wedding night.

Actually, she did.

Wow. So, Gordon,

- you like the automat joke? - Mm, it wasn't my favorite.

- Good, it was Adam's. - There's the guy.

It got a laugh. Means it's funny.

I'll tell you what's funny. Mike got me an advanced copy

of "The 2,000 Year Old Man," that Mel Brooks thing.

- Oh. - Hilarious.

Really, really funny.

One of the funniest...

I never said Mel Brooks wasn't funny.

But that bit would be nothing without Carl Reiner.

Right, 'cause without Carl, it would be Mel awkwardly waiting

half a minute in silence and then reciting the punch line.

Yeah, that would stink.

I give up.

Hey.

Hi.

How are these guys treating you?

Terrific.

She lied.

They're a very good group of writers,

and I am thrilled to be here. Learning a lot.

Pleasure's ours.

They give you any problems, you come to me.

Okay.

All right, fellas, I'm gonna grab a drink.

- Next round's on me. - Thanks.

- You're too kind. - Thanks, boss. - That's nice of you, boss.

What changed? That changed.

What?

Everything was the same today,

except for the X factor.

We just solved for "X."

"X"? I'm not "X."

- Look at that. - Good to see you back, Gordie.

- Ah, you're looking good, Toots. - I always look good.

I'm gonna miss this place.

We can go back to that Irish pub.

I can't sit through that tin whistle leprechaun music

anymore, I'll go crazy.

You can come back here.

There's that place on 59th.

I swear you can come back here.

What about PJ Clarke's?

They measure their pours.

I'm not "X."

So, I started this new job,

and it's... not fun.

Not that every job is supposed to be fun. I mean,

when a nurse is inserting a catheter,

she's not standing there thinking,

"This looked so much more fun in the brochure."

And it's all men. Mm-hmm.

So, I'm sitting in this room with a bunch of men,

and none of them are being nice

or showing me the ropes,

and so far none of them seem to want to sleep with me.

It's the least they could do.

Who raised these men, not wolves?

Hey, did you hear there's gonna be a baby in the White House?

Little JFK Jr.

It'll be a clean transition.

White House staff already learned how

to change diapers with Eisenhower.

I knew that was funny.