Original subtitles

Dad, Mum's being weird. Yeah, well, Mum's always weird.

SHE SCREAMS

Do you think it's cos I haven't signed up to help with the hedgehog hunt?

I'm not going to make a potato salad for that!

I don't understand what your problem is with her.

You're actually a married man trawling Tinder. Oops!

I mean, I found Mr Miaowgi in the wardrobe, mate.

I found him in the tumble dryer.

Alex's memorial's coming up, isn't it?

You never told me what you actually saw.

I think I have flashes of something that I said to you last night.

Who's that boy?

And that girl...

I need you to look after Harry for me.

Just stay on the phone. Jen! I'll be as quick as I can.

What if we have to look after Harry forever?

You've not been very good, have you?

Jen, it's me again.

It's probably about the 47th time I've tried to call you,

or tried to call the police.

Please, please get back to me.

I'm going to kill you.

There's a surprise. She doesn't want to come and look for MDF hedgehogs

in the freezing cold woods. I told you, she's not going to be here.

Well, she might be. She might.

I just... I think she'll come. I do think so. You can't predict what she's going to do.

She's a nutty bitch who didn't even know where she lived.

I know. I know. I know.

No, but, like, we know nothing about her.

Maybe she's not even called Jen. Maybe she's called Derek.

Maybe she wears a wig, sellotapes her bollocks to her stomach.

Oh, stop it. Don't... I'm trying to make light of it

cos I'm actually pretty pissed off.

I don't want to be the husband

who says, I told you so, but I did tell you so. Yes.

You all right? You look a bit worried.

Carl Collins said that if you leave out bread and milk for hedgehogs,

when they eat it, they explode.

No! Well, they're lactose intolerant so they can't take dairy.

Me and Mum left out bread and milk for the hedgehogs.

Yeah, but I'm sure no hedgehogs were actually harmed. No, no, no.

Well, that's weird because there's a dead hedgehog next to the bowl

that was twice the size. Unless it was just really fat, I don't know what's happened to it.

No, that won't have been the bread and milk, would it?

That would've... That's..

That would've been the cancer. Cancer.

Cancer!

Like an aggressive form of cancer, I would have thought.

I knew that it was cancer the whole time. Cheers, Mum.

That's all right, babe. Oh, look.

He's got cancer?

Look, I'm just as angry as you.

I'm even angry at myself.

And I know that I'm a massive tit because I'm so gullible.

I really wanted a mate and... Seriously, get rid of her.

Yes, I am. Get rid of her. She's a nightmare.

I know, but I just... I know I don't know her,

but I know that she will come back for Harry.

She will come here today. I just know it.

Right. Well, you obviously never read that poem in GCSE English,

did you, about the prostitute who... What? ..promises a man sex

by a tree stump and then ties her baby to his back

and fucks off on his horse?

That's mental. Never heard that poem? Never. No.

That's annoying because that's the perfect reference

for this situation. It's absolutely wasted on you.

We just read sort of John Cooper Clarke.

Oh, yeah. Mm.

I'm sorry. I am sorry.

No, don't be sorry, like, she manipulated you.

It's not your fault. She did.

Well, it's just, you know, you're thick as pig shite, that's all.

SHE CHUCKLES

Cheers. That's all right.

I love you, too.

Erm... So...

I should probably say a few words about Alex at tomorrow's memorial.

But I know what I want to say,

but I'm just struggling to sort of... how to say it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So I just thought, like, maybe you could help me with it.

Oh, God, yes, of course. Yeah. Can I read it to you?

I'm just going to check at the start,

just to see if Lucy's heard anything from Jen.

I'll be like two seconds, I promise.

OK? I just... Just a check.

What do you want now?

I want a map.

I did already give you a map.

Yeah, but Carl Collins forced me to eat it, so I need a new one now.

Classic Carl Collins, that.

Don't eat that all at once, yeah?

Have you seen Jen? Ah, Nic, now,

did you get a chance to look at my routine?

Be brutal. No, I haven't. Oh.

Have you seen Jen? You don't think I can do it, do you?

Have you seen Jen? But I do have funny bones, Nic,

cos I was the class clown at Sunday school,

and every time Sister Mary turned her back, right,

I'd do that. Jesus Christ.

Have you seen Jen? No. Why? What's the matter?

Oh, she dropped Harry off at ours last night,

didn't tell me where she was going,

can't get hold of her on her phone.

I don't know what to do. I'm completely beside myself.

You've called the police, haven't you?

I did call the police.

And they said, because she's an adult

who went off on her own accord,

they couldn't give a flying fuck.

You cannot tell anybody this.

And I know what you're like because you're a blabbermouth.

No, no, no. You absolutely can trust me.

OK, you do not tell anybody.

Went round to the house,

this mad old woman answered the door,

said that SHE lived there.

She'd never heard of Jen.

And then I showed her a picture of Jen and she said, "That's not Jen.

"That's Katya." SHE GASPS

So she never heard of Jen?!

This is a bit of an overreaction. No, no, no. I'm sorry.

I should never have said anything to you. OK.

You know, I think I can probably help you find out where she lives.

I've got the new Samsung, so I can just Google.

Oh, my God, you're just showing off your new Samsung. Not at all.

What would you Google?

Jen McKenna, Katya, Cockbury, question mark, something like that.

Oh, my God.

You need a massive shag, to the point where your headboard

is banging so hard cos your head keeps hitting it.

Possibly.

What I'm going to ask you - don't say anything.

That's all you need to do. Oh, come on!

I would never, not in a situation like this.

Never.

Erm, do...

Do you mind if I just tell Pippa, Toby's mum,

just because we're quite close and I tell her everything

and I wouldn't want her to be out of the loop on this one.

Of course I mind!

What did I just say?

I said don't tell anyone.

What is wrong with you?

What?

I-I have no excuse.

No, you don't have any excuse.

I know... I called... No!

You left your poor son all night with no phone call,

no text to say where you were.

Nothing! You are a massive...

...bell end.

Bellend's fair.

I'm... I'm sorry. I...

Nic. Nic, please. Nic!

I cannot believe that you've done this to me,

but more importantly, I can't believe you've done this to Harry.

What is wrong with you?!

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

What is wrong with you?

Daniel Radcliffe, nosing in on everyone's business.

Just fuck off, mate.

Now, tell me.

OK.

Harry took me to your house.

So you now live in an estate. Yeah?

You're wearing the same coat as me.

And I don't know who the fuck you are.

Who is Katya?! JEN SIGHS

Where's Harry? Where is he? Oh, now you give a fuck about Harry.

Harry is with Dan, and he's not seeing you like that because, quite

frankly, you look dirty, and not in a Christina Aguilera way.

You've got to tell me what's going on. I will.

We need to talk now.

You're going to tell me everything.

This one? Yeah.

You've got seven minutes to tell me what the fuck is going on,

because I'll be bloody damned if I miss out

on those cut-out MDF hedgehogs.

I'll be bloody damned.

I don't know why you're being so nice to me.

Neither do I. You're a massive prick.

Was Harry all right? Was he upset?

He couldn't have given a shit, like they discovered that Malcolm

next door's skylight was open in his bedroom, so they just kept

throwing Rolos into his sleeping face.

It's all right for me to laugh at that. You can't laugh at that.

I'm so angry with you! I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I know.

Where were you?!

My friend was in trouble.

You sound like Tracy Beaker.

You're covered in soil.

I know. I am.

It's just...

It's just a really long story.

Well, let's make it short.

I mean, I don't like long stories at the best of times.

I zone in and out, so just bullet point it, succinct it. Yeah.

I, erm, smashed up a greenhouse with a metal watering can.

I'm sorry, I thought you just said,

"I smashed up a greenhouse with a metal watering can."

Yeah, I did. Would you like to elaborate on that?

Well, it's cos I needed something heavy,

and the watering can... No, not the watering can!

Right. Why are you smashing up the greenhouse? All right!

Oh, my God, that's like a joke that you'd find in the Chuckle Brothers.

OK, fine. It's my friend Becca.

Her husband is abusive, and he's violent,

and he's controlling, and he's just an all-round scum of the Earth,

waste of space, fucking piece of shit, OK?

And her son, Leo, was the one who called me last night

when I was at yours.

And he told me that things were getting really bad again,

and he asked me to come and help.

And so that's... that's why I left in the way that I did.

And... and I went to her house.

And when I got there, she wouldn't let me help her.

Because he just...

He just gets in her head.

And he just makes her all these promises.

He promises he's going to change and they're going to be happy.

And he convinces her, and she believes him.

And then he'll do it all again.

And she doesn't know what she's doing,

she doesn't know where she stands.

And she fucking loves him.

And he knows that.

And he's got this toxic sort of hold over her.

Do you understand?

Yeah. Yeah, I do.

When Becca first told me what was going on, I...

I recorded our conversation. I'm sorry, you recorded a conversation?

Yeah, on my phone. Why would you record a conversation?

It doesn't matter why... It doesn't matter why you did it.

Why would you do it? No, it doesn't matter.

I needed to... It matters to me. Fine!

I recorded it because, when I was young,

something really bad happened to me at home.

And my mum didn't believe me

because she said I didn't have any proof.

So I just record things so that people might believe me.

What bad thing happened to you?

I don't really want to... Be specific.

I need to know everything.

Don't just tell me a half truth.

I want to know ALL the truth.

SOBBING: My stepdad...

He...

Oh, my God. He...

It was only once, but my mum, she didn't...

She wouldn't...

Will you... will you just listen to this, please?

No, my wages all go into his account.

It's just like for bills, it's easier.

And he just gives me an allowance in cash.

I haven't got a bank card. Just come and stay with me.

Bring Leo and stay with me. I can't.

He looks at my fucking phone, Jen.

It's not as fucking easy as that.

You don't understand. You don't understand.

Can we just tell someone? What for?

There is nothing I can do.

Please tell me you believe me now.

OK. Of course I believe you.

The only thing that's not quite matching up for me...

...is why did you end up fucking up a greenhouse?

Her husband's, erm...

Well, he's a really keen gardener. Right.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

So...

I just really felt like fucking it all up.

Do you know, weirdly,

you fucking up a greenhouse...

Yeah? ..actually makes me love you a little bit more.

If that's... That's weird. It is. Yeah.

I mean, thank you, but it's... odd.

You've never recorded me, have you?

Why would I do that?

I don't know. You're different.

I would never do that to you. No?

I've got something that'll cheer you up. Right.

So, you know Lucy's been renovating her house.

Yeah. She's got that great big hole in her wall.

A bat got in, and it flew into the downstairs bathroom.

And every time she goes into the downstairs bathroom,

it bites her on her face.

And there's nothing she can do about it because it's like

an endangered species.

So the wildlife rescue people won't touch it with a bloody bargepole.

And then she ran out of the house.

It followed her all the way down the road.

She ran into the newsagents and the only way they could get

it off her face was to sort of distract it with a Twix.

I... I call bullshit on that.

That can't be true.

Right. I think you need a shower.

Yeah. Because...

Yeah, I can't have a shower cos my boiler is...

Right. Come to mine. You'll have a shower at mine.

Yeah. OK, let's go.

You did that really well.

You kept that to five minutes, 39. Oh, wow.

Come here.

How's things with Dan, then?

The only way I could describe it, it's like playing mummies

and daddies at school, in the playground, rearranging

the chairs in the playhouse and pushing the plastic dolly around.

That's about it.

Bleak, isn't it?

I mean, I didn't want to say, but... yeah.

Oh, bollocks. What?

Oh, it's 3.00, and I'm supposed to help Dan set up this memorial thing.

Oh. People don't generally eat at those things, do they?

You'd be surprised.

I only bought crisps!

Oh, God, no. You've got to do proper food at those things. Really?

Yeah. Sandwiches at the very least. Oh, God. A quiche as well.

She's put her hanging baskets back up. Oh, God.

Do you want to pop in and say hi to Katya?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, very funny.

So I've got to do a quiche, have I?

Yeah, everyone loves quiche. Oh, really?

And it's, you know, finger food, isn't it? Oh, God.

How are you feeling about it?

Unprepared, obviously.

No, not like the, you know, organisational element.

I meant how are you actually feeling about Alex?

Oh, I miss him every day.

Oi.

DISTANT VOICES

You know how, like, houses can be haunted?

Do you think people can be haunted?

Are you OK?

Yeah, I'm fine.

I think, personally, the only sort of people that believe in ghosts

are sort of really sad, bored, lonely people.

Like Viv. Viv? Viv believes in ghosts.

Rest my case. Case in point.

I cannot believe you work for Viv.

Yeah.

Lol! Yeah, thanks.

And she fired you!

Yeah, she did. Trololololol! Yeah.

Do you know, you're really vile, aren't you? Very vile human being.

All right, five reasons why

you should help your wife clean the house.

You live here too. You live here too.

You live here too. You live here too.

You live here too.

I'm not really sure that we're your target audience.

Ollie, I think you're going to find, as young men growing up in this

world, this is exactly the type of stuff you need to be hearing,

all right? OK.

OK. Knock, knock. Who's there?

Impatient feminist.

Impatient fe... Why don't we have equal pay yet?!

Why are you screaming about gender pay in my son's sweet face?

Well, the boys just agreed to be my first audience, didn't you?

No. I wouldn't say we agreed.

Oh, my goodness. Erm...

You haven't seen Dan, have you? Yeah.

He said he was going to go and set up for tomorrow.

How was he? Was he all right? Cross?

Well, he was... he was all right.

I think he was wondering where you got to. Yeah.

Oh, God. Erm...

OK, can we just have a heart-to-heart? Woman on woman?

You know I'm always up and ready for that.

I think the fact is that I've always thoroughly disliked you.

What? Justified or unjustified.

How much did I used to slag her off? Every day.

Every day on the way to school?

Every single day. Mental.

What I want to say is, I've had a total eclipse of the sun.

I don't feel that way about you any more.

I really like you.

You showed me a bit of vulnerability, which I like.

I think your comedy is up there with some of the greats, you know?

It's getting there. It's getting there, isn't it? Yeah, yeah.

On that note, would it be possible for you to look after these two

while I go and help Dan out at the memorial and maybe to drop them

back home at mine afterwards? Is that OK?

It would be my pleasure.

Brilliant. And on the same note,

would you be able to rustle up a quiche?

Absolutely. That's no problem. I love making...

Well... 20 to 40... 20 to 40 quiches?

For tomorrow morning.

Oh. I mean, you've probably got about... 12 hours?

For the memorial tomorrow. By tomorrow?

Brilliant. I'll leave that with you.

Er, s-sure. Thank you.

Thank you so much, Lucy.

Thank you.

No, thank...

Do you know what? You remind me of a very young Jim Carrey.

Wow. Yeah. Wow.

Well, when he was... Thank you.

...Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, he's trying to hone...find his craft.

Yeah. He hasn't quite got to the Dumb and Dumber.

That is spot-on. An inspiration to many.

Yeah. Don't stop pulling those mad faces!

OK.

SHE CHUCKLES

All right. What do you call a woman who has loads of sex?

I don't know.

Her name!

Dan, I'm just getting in a taxi now.

What?

No, I definitely said on the email the 26th. What is it?

Oh, my God. Let me just...

What? One sec!

Oh, my...

Dan? Dan!

Oh, my God!

What is it? What's happened?

I put the wrong date on the email for the memorial so nobody's

going to be able to come!

Oh, mate.

Oh, my God. What am I going to do?

Oh, OK, erm...

Is this the temp agency?

Is it possible to get about 20 to 30 people for tomorrow?

No, no, no, sorry, not to work, to actually mourn. Mourners, yeah.

NIC CHUCKLES

I'm sorry, I thought you just said three grand.

Oh, you did? OK, that's fine. Thank you.

Righto.

Thanks, mate.

Three grand.

Oh, God.

I haven't been here since the wedding.

It's going to be really hard, Nic.

Nic? Hmm?

Shall we go in?

Yeah.

I just need a moment to talk to my man.

Of course.

Dan?

Oh, there you are.

Sorry. Crisps?

Yeah. I mean, I think I gave you 200 quid to sort the food out, Nic.

Yeah, that's, er... £200 worth of crisps there.

Oh, my God. I mean, it's adorable, but it's a little bit annoying.

There are quiches coming, so don't panic about that.

That's all right. Everyone loves quiche, don't they?

As long as it arrives on the right date.

Your mum and Suz have done a really good job.

Yeah, you think? They have, haven't they?

Well, it feels, like, smaller than it did on our wedding day,

don't you think? God, do you remember when Simon

thought the DJ booth was a urinal cos he was so battered? Oh, yeah!

That's your family. I know.

Bunch of wrong 'uns.

Erm... Harry's with Lucy, so...

I know. Thank you.

I mean, they're all Prosecco flavour as well, Nic.

Like, people are going to think it's a product launch, aren't they?

Why is she... Why is she still here? Why are you still here?

I wanted to say sorry and explain.

I mean, she's even got the same ciothes as you, Nic.

Who are you? Like, you're fucking eeh-eeh-eeh-eeh!

What's going on? I'm sorry, Dan.

No, I'm sorry that you haven't realised that this is actually

my brother's memorial.

So if you'd be as kind as just to fuck off out of my life,

out of my wife's life, out of... ..our cat's life.

That'd be really nice. Thank you very much.

Could you... I know you're going to go mental.

Could you just let her explain?

Just, please, just...

Oh, my... Are you joking me?

Nic, come on. Are you joking me?

Just listen to her because...

Listen? I've been... I've been really fucking patient up till here.

I know. I've been really understanding, and now what?

She's going to reel you back in? It's that easy, is it?

Oh, my God. Honestly, Nic, if you love me, if you've ever loved me,

please tell her to go.

Nic.

Nic. NIC SIGHS

Nic.

Nic?

Oh, my God.

Oh. Right, well, you can fuck off as well. Go on, fuck off with her.

Go on, go on.

Actually, no, no, no. Wait, wait, wait.

You can do all this. You can do all this.

I'm going to go. I'm going to go and stay at my mum's.

Girl fucking power! Fuck off!

Mate, I...

DOOR SLAMS

Can I, erm...?

Is there anything?

Can you just give me a minute, mate?

Oh, God. It's such a mess.

Oh...

SHE CRIES

Oi!

Nic. I'm here, look.

You know I've got an ear infection, you dick!

Oh...

SHE CHUCKLES

Yes!

You threw that like Mr Burns, then.

Oh...

SHE SNIFFS Oh, God!

LAUGHTER

What do you want from me?

What do you want from me?!

Signature. SHE GASPS

Oh, my Go... Sorry. Erm...

Yes, sorry. What is it for?

Crisps. Crisps. Yes.

God, I must have been really pissed, I know.

You don't want any crisps, do you?

Maybe. What flavour?

Prosecco flavour.

HE CHUCKLES No, you're all right.

I'll just go get the rest.

HE WHISTLES

God, you know, I actually feel relieved.

What, that he's gone? That he's gone, yeah.

That's OK.

I'm really glad I'm here.

I'm really glad you're here.

PHONE VIBRATES

Is that your phone?

Yeah, who is it? Can you see?

It's Dan. Oof...

Are you going to answer it?

No. Are you sure?

Yeah.

NIC SIGHS

God, I wish you had a cock.

JEN LAUGHS

It'd be really big as well, wouldn't it?

You'd be just, like, the best partner.

You'd be so supportive... I know.

...and sort of not want thanking for putting up

a set of shelves... No. I wouldn't need it.

...not needing a blow job for it.

I wouldn't need it... You'd just do it.

...cos I'd be...I'd be secure enough in my own masculinity that I would

just be happy to do it for you

and I wouldn't need anything in return.

Oh! I wouldn't need to prove anything, you know?

Oh, that's so great.

And I'd do it...

I'd do it as soon as you asked me to do it.

Wouldn't put it off and go to the pub and bitch about you

or anything like that.

And you'd take me into, like, the town at the weekend and you'd come

into the Lush shop with me and let me look at all the bath bombs,

not complain about how the smell of the Lush shop gives you a headache.

Yeah, exactly.

And I wouldn't mind that my coat just smelled like it

for hours afterwards.

And you'd let me watch RuPaul's Drag Race.

I'd WANT to watch RuPaul's Drag Race. Yeah! Absolutely.

And discuss it over, like, a bottle of wine. Yeah.

In really... really detail. Yeah. Yeah.

And I'd have my favourite ones and you'd have yours and we'd argue

over them, but we probably would agree on... on the winner. Yeah.

Do you know, I always thought I was

going to be something really magnificent.

You are magnificent.

I'm not. I'm an absolute idiot.

What have I done with my life?

I thought I was going to be, like...

Start my own girl group and...

I mean, you ARE a fucking idiot. Yeah. Yeah.

But you're really magnificent.

You've got no idea, have you?

Why is you so bloody great to me?

Oh, I don't know.

I don't know what I'd have done if I'd not met you.

Thank you for believing me. VOICES APPROACH

That's all right.

DOOR OPENS

It's just not nice, not sharing.

Mum, Ollie won't let me play with his camcorder.

Yeah, but you can't play with it.

It's not a toy. I use it to make my films.

Don't argue about it.

Just go... go upstairs and put your pyjamas on. You've had a long day.

It'll be bedtime soon anyway.

Go on. Off you go.

It's not fair.

Can you deal with them?

Yeah, I'll do it. Don't worry. Oh, you're such a great husband.

I'm a really good husband, aren't I? Yeah.

Go on, up you get. Ugh.

Tomorrow's going to be hell, isn't it?

I'm going to be there, OK? It's going to be all right.

Thank you. Right, you stay down here and I'll sort these kids out.

Oh, I'd better see where this cat's at.

Have you got any tampons?

Yeah, cupboard under the sink. OK.

When did you come on your period?

This morning.

NIC GASPS What? Same!

You too? Me too.

We've... Synced up.

We've synced up!

Oh, my gosh. That's really great, that.

See where this fat bastard is.

Mr Miaowgi?

WHIRRING

Mr Miaowgi!

Whatever the fuck your name is.

Ugh.

"Have you turned the light off, Ollie?"

"Yes, of course I have, Mum."

Fuck's sake.

Ugh.

How do you work this bloody thing?

BEEP Ah.

Come on, then, greedy guts. NIC CHUCKLES

Aww. You've not been very good, have you?

You've destroyed the whole city. CAT MEOWS

Let's get rid of you, then. CAT MEOWS

BEEPING

Three, two, one... Blast off. Oh, my God...

WHOOSHING

You stupid bitch!

LAUGHTER

How did you do the X?

Well, thank you for asking.

I did the line and I stopped mid-flow,

and I readjusted, and I finished the other line.

It's really great, OK?

LAUGHTER

Let me be your vacuum cleaner

Breathing in your dust

Let me be your Morris Minor

I will never rust

If you like your coffee hot

Let me be your coffee pot

You call the shots

I want to be yours

Let me be your electric meter

I will never run out

Let me be the electric heater

You get pneumonia without

Let me be your setting lotion

Grip your skull with deep devotion

Deep as the deep Atlantic Ocean

That's how deep is my devotion

Deep, deep, deep, deep, d-deep-deep

I don't want to be hers

I want to be yours.