Original subtitles

Hello, mate! Hello, Mummy!

Oh, Ollie's going to be so relieved.

Thank you, Mother.

What happened? WHISPERS: It was an affair.

You had a lot to chat about, then?

What did I say to you?

You're just going to absolutely drive yourself mad.

Who's that boy?

And that girl...

I would never, ever tell anyone.

I think you're amazing, and I think I'm in love with you.

MUSIC: I'm Sorry by Brenda Lee

DISTORTED: That's my coat.

This one?

WHISPERED: I love you in this coat.

♪ I'm sorry... ♪

I know you...

Yeah.

DISTANTLY: You've got something that belongs to us.

♪ That I was such a fool... ♪

ECHOING: Mm-hm...

♪ I didn't know

♪ Love could be so cruel... ♪

Hmm.

Do you know what I fantasise about the most?

Doing a Sunday big shop with you.

It's always been you.

Come back to mine. We can have a bath together.

I can see what you're doing.

Hello?

SHE GIGGLES Say hello.

Hello. THEY LAUGH

Security?

My coat.

That's my coat.

Dan. Mm?

You seen my coat? Fucking hell... No.

I didn't leave it at the village hall, did I?

What... what you doing? Just go to sleep.

Dan, you must have seen it somewhere. Oh, Nic!

Oh, my God...!

Fuck's sake...!

What's that smell?

SHE GASPS Christ!

NIC GAGS

SHE GASPS

Mr Meowgi...

CAT MEOWS

Who the fuck are you, then?

CAT GROWLS

BELL TOLLS

What?

It's nice having Mr Meowgi back, though, isn't it?

Yeah.

Really nice having him back.

Happy to have him back?

Uh, Dad?

Mum's being weird. Yeah, well, Mum's always weird.

But you are happy to have him back?

Jesus, Nic, it's nice having him back,

but you're talking about him like he's Nelson Mandela.

I mean, have you seen what the little bastard's done

to the back door?

You little bastard!

CAT MEOWS

OK.

PHONE CHIMES

Right, I'm off.

All right. What time you back?

What are you, time police? Six.

OK, then. Love you. Love you. See you.

DOOR SHUTS

OK, seriously, can you actually stop staring now?

It's a bit creepy.

Do you see things in black and white...

...or do you see things in colour?

What?

Mummy needs to know, OK?

You're going absolutely insane, OK?

That's my coat. What?

That's my coat. Mum...

Hey!

That IS my coat!

Mum! Oi, stop! That's my coat!

Mum? Mum!

Hey! Mum, what are you doing?

Mum! Come back, you coat-stealing bastard!

Mum... Mum, what you doing?

Speak to me.

Just go in.

And don't kill anyone.

Well, I think it'll be fun, you'll enjoy it.

I'm really not sure how I feel about you signing me up

without my permission.

ETHEREAL MUSIC PLAYS

HEARTBEAT POUNDS

TRADITIONAL GREEK MUSIC PLAYS

Opa!

Good luck!

ETHEREAL MUSIC REPRISE

ECHOING: Oi, babes.

You'll never guess what.

This bozo's signed us up for the mums netball team.

I knew it was you. Have you got one glove on?

Why have you got my coat on? You look like Michael Jackson!

The coat went missing from my house. Hey... Then I turn up here

and you're wearing my coat. No, no... Ladies. Ladies?

I bought this coat cos I saw Michelle Keegan wearing it

in Heat magazine. I cannot believe you've done this to me.

Well, you should believe... It's my coat. Ladies, ladies...

I want my coat back. Oh, my God. Nic, calm down.

Give me my coat back.

THEY ARGUE

Hey. I want my coat back! It's not your coat!

Let me look in the pocket, then! Nic, Nic, Nic.

You cannot behave like this.

Bitch! Come on.

What...? Get off me!

Are you all right? Did she hurt you? No, no...

Goodness...

Stop all the clocks

Cut off the telephone

Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone...

I can't remember the rest, so...

The sentiment's there.

You were a great cat

You sat on the mat

It's a shame you never...

...wore a hat?

Amen. I mean...

LIGHTER CLICKS

NIC YELLS

FLAMES WHOOSH

Fuck!

Fuck...! Shit!

Morning.

Oh, hi, Malcolm.

I think there's a package for you at ours.

I don't know. If I took a guess, it's probably...

...reams of printer paper. Oh.

PHONE RINGS

I'm not picking up to, you psycho. Why are you ringing me?

PHONE RINGS

Hey!

Oh. Hi!

What the fuck?

Sorry. I was knocking for a while, but didn't get an answer.

Ooh! You having a bonfire?

I'm burning the cat.

OK. Well, I-I didn't want to intrude.

I just had to make sure you were OK.

Yeah, I'm fine.

Really? Yeah.

So, what happened at school earlier with Jen...

Yeah, I lost my temper. I know. No, no, no, no.

We all do sometimes.

Look, for what it's worth...

...I think you were totally justified.

Really? Yeah.

I mean, I don't know the details.

I don't know her as well as you do, but...

SHE EXHALES

Ooh. Erm... What?

Oh, I don't want to be unkind to her.

You are going to be unkind, cos you just said,

"I don't want to be unkind," which means that you're going

to be unkind, so just be unkind. What were you going to say?

OK, the thing is, Nic, I just get this innate feeling...

Yes?

...that she's a massive slag.

Wow... And the way she behaves around Mr Graham, I just...

I'm not convinced that she's a woman's woman.

Do you know what I mean? OK, OK, OK.

Uh, appreciate you coming over and, you know...

Yeah, OK. Well, uh...

Oh, yes. Whilst I remember, erm...

...Alex's memorial's coming up, isn't it?

Yeah. I know how incredibly difficult these things can be.

So, if you need me to make a quiche, I...

No. No-one likes quiche.

No? No.

Not even people that frequent National Trust cafes.

I don't... This is mad.

No.

OK.

Actually, while I've got you, can I just ask for one more tiny thing?

I have now signed up to an open mic night in London

to try out a bit of stand-up comedy.

So, if I've got a bit of a supportive audience around,

maybe I could try out a bit of my routine at the memorial

and add some light relief?

Are you joking?

Well, it's up to you to decide what's appropriate for your family.

I... I will get off, though.

All right.

Do you know, actually, physical comedy is my strength,

so, erm...

Beep!

SHE SIGHS EMPHATICALLY

That was a lift.

Go!

Thank you.

Jesus wept.

INDISTINCT VOICES

Oh, oh!

Oh, my God! Jesus Christ!

I'm so sorry. I haven't seen anything.

It's OK, Viv. Can you just...? I'm sorry again.

Can you just...? Yeah, leave.

I don't why I'm standing here...

Can you go, please?! I am. I'm leaving now, I'm leaving now.

Bye! Yep. Oh...

Jesus Christ!

Viv, are you still here?

Yeah, I'm still here.

Viv, thank you.

It's immaculate.

It's all right. You don't have to thank me.

Oh, even bleached the sink, as well.

Yep. Oh, God!

Oh. And I finally found the remote for the surround sound.

Oh, brilliant. Thank you, Viv. Guess where it was?

No idea.

It was... Guess.

Oh. Uh...

Somewhere obvious. Behind the sofa?

No.

By the TV? No.

Guess again? Yeah.

I don't know. Up my arse? No.

In a shoe.

That is mad.

Yeah, mental.

Oh, and also, I got your...

...coat at the dry cleaners.

I think they've done a really good job at getting rid

of the negative energy. I'm sure it was haunted.

Oh, no... Mm, yeah.

Oh, no...!

Fuck's sake...!

Oh...

CRYING: I'm such a twat...!

Oh, Nic. Is it still there?

I'm... Listen.

Just stop it, OK?

Stop it now!

Just cross over, all right?

Because we do not want you here.

Who are you talking to?

Oh...

Well, he was a Roman, but now he's just an arsehole!

OK.

Yeah. I need to find Jen. Oh, Nic...

Uh, Nic, also, can I have cash today?

Why? Well, just cos, you know, the cheques, they're all...

You don't want to pay tax?

Not really, no.

OK. Fine. I mean...

Who does?

Oh...

Is, erm, Jen still here?

"Oh, sorry I'm late, Ollie."

Oh. Sorry I'm late, Ollie.

Has she already picked up Harry? She picked him up ages ago.

Oh, God, that's so annoying...!

I just wanted to talk to her.

Come on. You and I need to have a chat.

Uh, Denholm keeps asking if he can come round.

I don't want him to, and I don't know what to say.

Well, just say that the asbestos is growing back.

Asbestos. Quickly, though.

Yes, Mum.

Oh, my...

Nic. Hi.

Lucy, please. I just can't deal with you right now.

I want to get my norks done.

I'm sorry, what...? What?

My yabbos, my honkers.

Cos men like big hooters, don't they?

Well, David does, anyway.

I just...! I don't have time for this!

I'm trying these out, OK?

What have you stuffed those with? Careful. Wait, wait, wait.

Look, look. Just have a look.

This is a bath bomb. Oh, my God.

And that is a magic eight ball that I won at a raffle.

Yeah? Hmm?

Just be honest, tell me what do you think.

Do you really want to know what I think? Go on.

I think they're both too low. Right...

I think you're a bit nuts.

And I also think you need to start loving yourself more,

cos this vibe is strong. I mean...

NIC EXHALES OK, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I've been struggling a bit.

Erm, OK. So, you're saying just stick with the comedy,

don't worry about any physical changes for now?

Do I have to choose between those two?

Comedy, then.

Right, come on, quickly.

Uh-uh. Do not look at Lucy, please.

Whoa...

Come on. Out!

Did you just look at them again?!

I'm not. I'm not! I swear.

CAMERA CLICKS

I found Mr Meowgi.

Yeah, I know.

Won't stop going on about it.

No.

I mean, I found Mr Meowgi in the wardrobe, mate.

So, I know that you know what I mean

when I say I found Mr Meowgi.

So you better start talking.

OLLIE CRIES

I found him in the tumble dryer.

What? What, when?

Uh...

Like, Sunday morning.

Oh, my gosh...

I think... I think he'd fallen asleep in there.

Oh, sweetheart, I'm so sorry.

Someone must have shut the door on him. Oh, my gosh.

You have to talk to me about these things.

You can't hide stuff like that.

I didn't want to tell you cos... I know how much you like him.

Oh... Oh, my God.

God!

Oh, darling, I'm so sorry.

I mean...

...being truthful, he was a bit of a shit cat.

Yeah.

Yeah, he was a shit cat.

You quite liked saying the word "shit", then, don't you?

Mm? Yeah. Yeah, a little bit. Yeah, you did.

I mean, don't make a habit of it, right? No.

We have we got for dinner tonight, Mum?

Just hungry. I want my chicken nuggets.

Have you just manipulated the death of Mr Meowgi

into you getting a McDonald's?

Manipulate's a strong word... Oh, my gosh.

I mean, clever.

That's actually quite a good tool to have if you, you know,

want to go into sales or start a cult.

So, can we? Yes, we can. Yep, yep.

Christ almighty.

You're just like me, and that scares me.

Yeah, me too.

You know what, when Dad gets home, let's do something to cheer you up.

Think of something fun, your choice. All right.

It's nice just doing this with you.

I feel ridiculous. And cold.

I must look stupid. You look great.

I sort of fancy you a bit in that.

Do you? Yeah.

Right, get in position. All right.

Yeah, hang on a second. We're just doing checks.

Are you all right? No, cos...

These tights are cutting off the circulation to my dick and balls.

Oh, God. Let's have a look. Well, careful, cos your hands are cold.

I...! No...

Well, no, no. Don't... Yes, I'm trying!

Yeah, but I don't want it out. Well, just rip a hole in them.

I don't want to, cos I want to keep it all tucked in

cos I want to be method. Oh, for God's sake. Dad?

I'm taking this serious. We're losing light! One minute, mate.

Well, I don't get what I'm supposed to be. What are we doing?

Well, we're just... You know, he's had a bit of a shock.

Mr Meowgi scratched the shit out of him, and we're just trying

to distract him. I need...

What are you doing with your fingers?

It's called being a director, Dad. Oh, right.

Did she call, by the way?

Who, Jen?

No. My mum about the memorial catering.

Jen. You're obsessed.

I told you I owe her a massive apology, and I haven't done it yet.

I don't understand what your problem is with her.

She's got... she's got a weird energy. She's got...

It give me the heebie jeebies.

Her hair looks like she's constantly wearing a helmet, as well.

She looks like Lord Farquaad. Unbelievable.

So, right, this has to be like a real ghost...

You're all askwiff. ..so I get loads of hits.

She fancies you. No, she doesn't! I can tell.

I'm a bloke, I can tell these things. I know when a woman...

Oh, my God! That is such a typical bloke.

Jen's been bloody good to me. But because two women

enjoy each other's company... What are you talking about?

...you immediately assume that we're diving on each other's muffs.

I'm sorry, but Kubrick did not have to put up with this.

Well, she's not into blokes, I know that.

And if she is into blokes, it's just cos she wants to get to the wife,

and the wife's titties and fanny.

Oh, God. That does remind me... This is ridiculous.

...I do have to shave my fanny. Yeah, you... I'm sorry about it.

It's just been a very long winter.

You're like Leo Sayer down there. All right. Oh, my God!

Why do you think I've not been visiting?

Right.

Behind the stone, yeah? Yeah.

Oh, by the way, have you called Suze about the memorial invites?

No, I've been a bit busy, so I will call Suze.

Well, call her. I will. Do, though. You won't.

Just do it. I will. I'll call her.

OK, and turning.

Ready?

Action!

What?

Up. Now you're meant to get up.

How long's this going to take, mate? Uh...

No more than one or two hours, I would've thought.

Actually, can we just, like, release the balls, then?

Cos it... Oh, fine. Release the balls!

Release the balls. I did say.

WOLF HOWLS

TINKLY OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS

DISEMBODIED VOICES WHISPER

This is fun.

One word. Yeah.

OK?

Chin.

What, is it a film, book?

Nanny. Nanny?

Oh, what, your nan?

What are you doing? Mary Poppins.

You all right, Mum? She's having a turn.

Erm... Oh, what is...?

Are you actually playing the game?

Or are you trying to genuinely tell us something?

What are you doing? What is that?

Uh, what other films...? I can't...

Shrek...! How is that Shrek?

Why aren't you getting that? That didn't even look like Shrek.

It's not my fault she's bad at acting.

MUFFLED CHATTER OUTSIDE

DAN: I thought you liked Shrek.

I thought it was just Mum, to be honest.

I'm, uh... just going to pop out and get some wine,

and see if Jen's in.

Really? Want anything?

Uh, wine. Wine's good, yeah.

You don't have to apologise to her, you know?

INDISTINCT WHISPERING

Listen, Lauren, I was a bad way because I'd just come back from

football, and I was jet-lagged.

Then Darren said that Dean that the only reason Dean came to see me

is cos Dad's got BT Sport at our house.

Why doesn't he just get a Fire Stick?

They're only, like, 20 quid.

You owe me £1.15 for those Dunkers, Lauren. What?!

But I don't have £1.15!

That's not my problem, Lauren.

Right.

Find your cat yet?

Oh, yeah. You can take that poster down.

Know what, I... Can I...?

I shouldn't have to fucking stand for this.

Did Darren say whether Dean said anything last night?

About what? NIC SIGHS

Hello? About me.

Well, I don't know. Ahem!

Well, can you message Darren and ask? OK.

Hello! NIC CLEARS THROAT

Hello?

What are you saying? Just asking him if Dean said anything

about you last night. Hello!

No, don't say it like that. Can I just pay for these?

Say, like, "How was Dean last night?" OK.

Oh, my God.

Ahem!

Sorry, I've just got some wine and vodka, and then...

What did you say? "How was Dean last night?"

No, nothing. PHONE CHIMES

Oh...!

What did he say?

He said he wasn't with Dean last night.

Ahem. Sorry. Hello? Has he been on Instagram?

Can I get a bag for these, please?

He was active 13 minutes ago.

Has he posted anything new?

Not since he shared the Ladbible video... What's the point?

...the man who put the firework rocket between his arse cheeks.

Who's liked it? Everyone. Just putting them in.

Just stealing things, by the way. Trevor. Who else?

Rob. Who else? I'm not even going to bother paying for them.

Who else? Trina Johnson.

Christ.

Wait, no, that's OK. That's his mum. Who else?

Sarah. Sarah.

Uh, Dean's definitely shagging Sarah.

Fucking Sarah.

And your shop's on fire!

No, you know what, like...

Just take a photo of me, like, as if I'm having a good time, OK?

OK. Just...

Smile, Kelly.

TO HERSELF: Jen, I know I've been a massive wanker...

I've brought some vodka...

Jen, I'm sorry. I've been a massive wanker...

FOX CALLS

Was that a hawk?

Jen?

Jesus Christ.

Jen, are you all right?

DOORBELL RINGS

Hi, can we come in?

Nic's not in. That's all right, we can wait for Nic. That's fine.

Hi, Jen. Hi, Ollie. Hi, Harry, you all right?

Do you want to play with Harry upstairs? Yeah?

Dan, why don't you take the kids up and I'll wait down here?

I know my way around.

Jen?

Uh, I know I've been a massive wanker,

but I got some vodka from the shop and a Take A Break magazine,

cos it's got a story in there about a half man-half prawn.

Oh, fuck!

Oh...

I'm so sorry.

Yeah.

What the fuck is going on...?

Silly old bit...

Oh! God!

My goodness!

You must be Jen's mum.

Who? Jen who lives here.

No. I live here,

and I have done for 38 years.

Ever since our big move from Barnstable.

I'm sorry, I... Derek changed jobs, I'd just had Alice.

Could I just stop you here? I-I...

Jen, I've seen... She lives... I've seen her here.

Who's Jen?

Erm... Jen? This is Jen.

That's not Jen.

That's Katya!

Oh...

She is an absolute fruitcake.

And by the looks of things, I can safely assume you are too.

Half prawn, did you say?

I'll have that.

The fuck?

Who's Katya?

Thought you looked like you could use a drink.

I don't know if Nic likes red wine, but I know you do.

Ha.

It's not funny, Dan. I know it's not funny.

Erm... Look, I want to talk to you about Nic.

She was really upset at school earlier, and I don't know what's

going on with that, and I've tried calling and I tried texting,

and she's not answering me.

So, I want to know what's going on.

Do you know what's wrong with her? She annoyed at me, or something?

Yes.

OK.

And why... Why would that be?

Do you know why?

Well, I mean, yeah. We've spoken.

What have you said?

Uh...

That's between me and my wife, innit? No, tell me.

Tell me what you said.

I mean, is this really the way you want to play it, Dan?

All they had was that prosecco that tastes like fizzy piss. Just...

But I'll drink... Nic, there's someone here to see you.

Please don't refer to your knob in the third person, Dan.

It's vile.

Hi.

What are you doing here?

I felt really shit about earlier,

and I don't want to fall out with you over a coat, Nic.

Seems silly. Hey, are you OK? Is everything all right, Nic?

Yeah. Can you just give us a minute, Dan?

Yeah.

OK. Shall I go upstairs with the boys and play VR?

Sure.

Too much raging oestrogen down here... Read the room, Dan.

Yeah.

Look, I didn't take it.

I've bought the receipt round, if you want to see.

I went to your house earlier, and not only were you not there,

you don't even live there, do you?

What?

Well, regardless of how mad all this is, yeah?

Cos this is mental!

Who is Katya? I don't... I don't know what you're...

Who's Katya? Just answer me that.

I-I can't... Who the fuck are you, Jen?

Or should I even call you Jen?

I don't know why you're doing this... Do you know what, I'm upset

because I actually consider you one of my close friends.

I know I don't have many friends.

But you have come into my inner circle, yeah?

And I've told you shit that I've never told anyone else.

And I know fuck all about you... That's...

...other than the fact that you hate Kings Of Leon.

I do hate Kings Of Leon.

Who are you?!

Do you know what, I went round to your house

to fucking apologise to you.

PHONE RINGTONE PLAYS Is that...?

Sorry, is that your phone ringing?

Yeah.

Is that Blazin' Squad?

Yeah.

Is that Love On The Line by Blazin' Squad? Yeah.

You're not going to answer that. I have to.

Hello? Oh, my God!

OK.

Are you kidding me? OK. Yeah?

OK, I'm going to leave now. I'm on my way, OK?

I, erm...

I need you to look after Harry for me for a couple of hours.

Are you kidding? I'll be...

You're not going. I'll be as quick as I can...

Jen! Where are you going? Are you still there?

Jen! Just stay on the phone, OK? Just stay on the phone.

I'll be as quick as I can, OK? Jen! Jen! Just stay where you are, OK?

Jen!