Original subtitles

Nic. Jen. You're great. I try.

I've lost my cat, got a distraught son...

Mum, come on. We're going to be late again!

Well, we should celebrate. Yes.

You know. There's vibes.

Dan, this is Jen. Jen, this is Dan.

Jen. Nice to meet you. Dan.

I've got to be really good tonight

cos it's Ollie's birthday tomorrow morning.

Yeah. Opa! Opa!

It was like my twin flame.

What? With... Not with him.

With a guy called Alex.

Did you just break up, or...?

STOP THE TRAIN! HELP ME, PLEASE!

SHE SCREAMS

Oh, God.

LAUGHTER AND MUSIC REVERBERATES

God!

To the good times!

Why do you drink? Why do you do it to yourself?

Why do you keep making the same mistake, Nic?

Hmm? Hmm?

I'm stuck. I mean, what am I supposed to do? I don't have a job.

But I don't understand. If you're not happy with Dan,

why can't you leave now?

You opened them. Mm?

You opened them without me.

Yeah, cos you were fast asleep and he wanted to crack on.

So, sorry.

Yeah. I mean, when you were asleep, to be honest,

you looked like you were dead.

You were dribbling and everything. It was horrific.

Was I? Yeah. Yeah.

It's actually quite sad. Oh, God.

I can't believe I had that much to drink.

Really?

Look, I was battered and I was singing Fresh Prince, the rap,

so I've lost my voice. Really?

Well, I didn't do it on purpose.

I've organised all of this. I know, I know.

And Jen just kept topping me up, and topping me up,

and topping me up, and topping me up. Yeah.

Was it her idea to get the port?

She get that out, did she, the port?

What? That bottle of port's from four Christmases ago, Nic,

I'm surprised you woke up.

You had a lot to chat about, then.

Where is Jen? She's gone.

Thought she was staying the night?

Yeah, but Harry couldn't sleep, so she had to take him back.

When? Dunno. Just in the night.

Oh.

Well, did he like his camera?

Yeah, I think so. Did you?

Me, what, huh? Do you like your camera?

I spent ages choosing that, lad.

Er, yeah.

Yeah, I mean, like, when I,

like, when I opened the box, I was just, like,

"Pfff, whoa."

We're getting you cash as well. Yeah, cash is nice.

Have you taken a picture with the hat that your mum sent?

No. Well, no, cos he's in his pyjamas. Oh, what, you...

Well, she's going to be on my case otherwise.

What else did she get you?

Duplo. Are you kidding?

Nope. Oh, my God. That's ridiculous. Two-plus.

I mean, does she know how old you are?

Obviously not. This is for infants.

Christ Almighty.

Right. I'm not wearing that.

Nic? No. Yes.

You haven't said "happy birthday" to him yet.

Yes, I have! No, you haven't. Do I get... Have I not? No.

SHE SIGHS Oh, happy birthday, mate.

Ugh! Mum! Just stand there with that.

Quick. Please, mate. Quick. Come on.

Right, stay there. Hang on a sec. OK.

The lighting's not right. You have to go over here. Go over there.

No, Mum. Come on. Chop, chop, chop, chop. I don't want to do it.

Come on, come on. You want that money in your building society,

mate, you better earn it. OK. Right, OK.

Smile. PHONE RINGS

Just do it nicely.

Imagine that's a load of cash.

I'm not answering that. That's Mum.

Smile nicely. Ha! Hey!

PHONE RINGS Oh.

Ah, she's phoning me now. Don't answer it.

Hello? Yes, Carol.

Yeah. No, he is by his phone.

He just didn't want to talk to YOU.

It was a joke, Carol.

Yes, he's HERE!

Here's Nanny!

Hi, Nan. HE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

Yeah, yeah. Right, right. I loved it.

It's just... Yeah, it's... The present... It's just amazing.

Yeah. I'm wearing my hat for a picture for you and...

You know that when I opened it, I was just, like,

"Cor! It's just so good!"

Yeah.

Um.

It's, like...

Oh.

HE STAMMERS

Babe? I'm sorry.

I didn't mean it. Don't be sorry for that.

That's... I'm unbelievably proud of you.

That was good. That was quite good. That was good, weren't it? I know.

That was really great. PHONE RINGS

Don't hang up on her like that. Oh, she's phoning again.

Pass me some of that wrapping paper.

Hiya, Carol.

No, I can't.

Can you not hear me at all?

Hey, Mum?

What? We're a bit bored.

I mean, have you tried wrapping Denin up in some bog roll?

Yeah, we've done that. That's page one.

I don't know, then. Do what normal kids do - just wet toilet paper

and just throw it at the ceiling.

All right. God... Oh, God...

Cheers, Mum.

SHE SIGHS

Ew, I saw that!

That's disgusting!

Go on, then. Lucky dip.

Gross! Shame on you!

It was that one. BELLY GROWLS

Oh, God.

Oh, God, no!

Get out!

Get out now!

Oh...

SHE BREAKS WIND VIOLENTLY

BREAKING WIND CONTINUES

LUCY: Nic? Is that you?

SHE MOUTHS

Hi, Lucy.

Are you all right in there? It sounds very painful.

No, I'm fine!

Everyone's arrived.

OK, great!

Yeah. Um, the kids are getting a bit restless,

so I think we should put Ollie's film on now.

OK. Yep, yep, yep, yep.

Um, very quickly...

SHE BREAKS WIND Yeah?

Just while you're there, I just wanted to ask your advice

on something very, very quickly.

I'm thinking about signing up... OK.

Do you think we could talk about this later?

Oh, OK! Do you want me to ask you when you're done? Yeah, please.

Thanks! Okey do key. Good luck!

SHE SIGHS AND VIOLENTLY BREAKS WIND

WIND BREAKING SLOWLY ABATES

AEROSOL SPRAYS

Lucy, are you still there?

Go! Please, go!

DOOR SHUTS

CHILD DROPS

Oh, God!

SHE CRIES OUT God!

SHE GROANS

SHE SIGHS

MOCKINGLY: "It's a boy!"

Nic?

Nic?

What's wrong? What's happened?

I've got to stop shopping when I'm pissed.

Why am I like this?! Oh...

Oh, just shut up. You're amazing. You know you are.

Oh...

I keep getting flashes of something I said to you last night.

What do you mean?

I can't remember quite what it was, but I'm just... urrrrgh!

What did I say to you? Ugh...

You're just... You're just going to absolutely drive yourself mad...

I know... with all this. OK? I know, I know.

That's why you're so messed up, OK?

Because you never talk to anyone about it. I know!

You hold it all in all the time.

Jeez, Nic, you're just a human.

We've all done shit, OK? Oh...

God... I would never, ever tell anyone about it.

You promise? I promise.

You'd never say anything? I promise, I would never. Oh, my God...

It's not your fault, Nic. None of it was your fault.

I can't deal with this. You can, you can, look. Come on, get up.

God, it's like a load of rats have escaped from a lab!

They're like animals! I know!

But, you know, you asked for this, so, come on.

Oh, God, right...

...that's it.

Everything hurts. I know, I know.

NOTIFICATION TONE

Oh...

Oh! What?

I knew this was going to happen... What?!

...so I made a call.

This is going to sort you right out.

Please say it's drugs.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHANTS: Ollie! Ollie!

Oh...! Really good.

His mind is, whoa.

He's very clever. I tell you what we should do.

We should go on a girls' trip, we should do a spa day.

Spa day! Spa day!

Girls, girls, shush.

Yeah, yeah, yeah! Sh!

Girls' trip, do a spa day.

Yeah! Bath Spa!

I tell you what as well.

Why don't we go to this brilliant Greek restaurant

where they do the...

You know, the spinning round thing? They smash the plate.

Girls' trip, Bath Spa. Yeah, yeah, yeah! Yeah, yeah!

And leave the grumpy old git at home.

THEY LAUGH UPROARIOUSLY

TV PLAYS, SHE SNORES

WHISPERS: Ready?

Three, two, one.

Boom.

SHE GROANS

HE GIGGLES

Go, go!

You all right? What you doing? Nothing.

DOORBELL CHIMES

Ugh... Who's that?

Who's ringing? I don't know. What's the time?

Everyone got picked up from the party, didn't they?

How should I know?!

It was your party, mate.

Hey! Hey!

It's Suze. Oh, Suze! Hey!

Hey, how you doing, buddy?

Hey. Hello, Auntie Suze.

Nice to see you! You too!

OK. So, I know I'm the absolute worst because I missed your party,

but I have got you the most awesome present.

Thank you. Can I get you a drink, Suze?

Uh... No, I can't stay long, sorry.

So, I know this is a bit niche,

but I had these especially made

just for you.

Wait... Oh, my God!

What is it? What is it?

It's the... the... Remember the stop-motion thing we saw on telly?

Yeah. It's that! Yeah, they're Claymation figures.

They've got wires in them so you can bend them whichever way you want.

I can't get you a glass of wine? I can't stay, honestly. Sorry.

Actually, listen, I've been thinking about...

...Alex's anniversary. Oh, yeah.

And I thought maybe we could get a memorial seat at Old Trafford.

That's a great idea. Yeah? OK, cool.

It's, like, a couple thousand for the plaque.

Well, that's fine. I can chip in.

Weirdly, we were talking about maybe putting some money...

They've given me a map of the different seats available.

...behind the bar at his favourite pub. I don't know anything about

football, so I thought maybe you could choose.

Yeah, yeah, of course. Yeah.

Yeah? What should I get on the plaque?

Um... It's no swearing. They're a bit weird about it, so...

Yeah, I'll think of something, yeah. Like a nickname or something?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, he had a load of them.

Yeah, that's nice. That's lovely. Yeah.

Cool. Great.

Right, I've got to go, I've got to go. Sorry.

I've got to go to this boring dinner and wonder why the guy playing

opposite me is on twice as much as I am. Yay!

Oh, God, yes. Ooh, um... Thank you!

Happy birthday. Oh... Thanks, Auntie Suze.

Oh, that's great. That's great. I've got to go. I'm sorry.

Bye, Auntie Suze. Love you! Bye-bye. Love you. Bye-bye, Bye-bye.

Oh, God, we must go for that coffee, Sue.

When you used to hang out with him,

you made me so uncomfortable.

I'm going to go to bed, I think.

OK.

Night, Mum. Night.

AMOROUS MOANS AND SHOUTS

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

ALEX: Who's ready to hear the sock story?

So, as most of you will probably know...

It's 20 to three, Dan.

WEDDING HOME VIDEO PLAYS ON TV

And what did she see?

She saw a 14-year-old Dan furiously,

furiously giving it to his favourite football sock.

Come to bed, Dan.

Yeah, I'm coming to bed.

In a bit, yeah.

This was just around the time

he got made captain of the school football team.

What kind of disgusting power trip was this?

LAUGHTER ON VIDEO

So, I went to the same school as Dan,

and I made it my business to tell the entire school.

And by lunchtime, I get pulled into the headmaster's office,

and he says to me, "Alex..."

You never told me what you actually saw. Dan...!

I've got an image of it in my head,

and I just need to know if it was better or worse.

It was quick.

That's it. That's all you need to know.

I know I'm making this about me. I know you loved him too. I'm sorry.

An exploration into the groom's proudest

and funniest moments by way of a gentle roast.

Who's that? Who's that boy?

It's a cousin, isn't it?

And that girl.

INDISTINCT SPEECH

APPLAUSE ON VIDEO

Come to bed. Come on.

I just want to understand why you didn't...

I'm not doing all of this. Come to bed.

IN TUNE OF ROW ROW ROW YOUR BOAT: ♪ If you walk into his room,

♪ You will get a shock... ♪ Everyone!

ALL: ♪ Dan, Dan, Dan the perve, wanked into a sock

♪ If you walk into this room, you will get a shock. ♪

Again!

THEY LAUGH

Oh, I love it!

Wow, reverse!

Really good, Ollie.

NOTIFICATION TONE

Oh, no... What?

She's booked the Greek restaurant.

No! Yes!

And she's sent a gif of a plate being smashed.

Oh, God, no! Yeah!

Oh, my God, how are we going to get out of this?

I don't know! Oh, God!

MOBILE RINGS

Oh, God, is that her?

Hello?

Oh, yes. Yeah, speaking.

Oh, my goodness.

Yeah. Where did you find him?

Yeah, I can come now.

Where's my bloody coat?

WEDDING HOME VIDEO PLAYS ON TV

You all right up there, boys?

THEY CHUCKLE

What's so funny?

Oh, shit.

Shit, shit, shit, shit.

Anyone in? Nic?

Always leaving the bloody TV on.

There's an energy crisis going on!

LOUD BREAKING WIND

LOUD BREAKING WIND

MUZAK PLAYS

ANIMAL GROWLS

DOOR OPENS

Oh, hi. Oh, hey!

Oh, I am so sorry to keep you waiting. Oh, that's OK.

I think someone's going to be very happy to see you!

Oh, my God!

Oh, Mr Meowgi! Oh, my gosh! Hello, mate!

"Hello, Mummy!"

Aw, Ollie's going to be so relieved.

He's been good as gold. Oh... Mm-hm.

He's lost a bit of weight.

Yeah, he was very, very hungry when he came in.

Very hungry.

Watch out for his claws!

God, you nasty... CAT MEOWS

That's it, fella.

I'm just going to get you to go in here.

That's it.

Careful of the tail! Yes!

Just put your arse in. Thank you.

Bye-bye! Bye-bye!

SHE MEOWS

CAT MEOWS

BARKING, SQUEALING AND GROWLING

All right...

Found Mr Meowgi! Mum...

Ollie! Mum.

What's happened?

Do you want to tell her, or shall I?

Do you want to...?

These two have just spent 45 minutes tormenting me.

What have you done?

Well, it was my idea to use the Fart Blaster.

Sorry, what's a Fart Blaster? That.

FART BLASTER BREAKS WIND

THAT is a Fart Blaster.

FART BLASTER BREAKS WIND

What did you do in this?

It was my idea to use the surround sound.

Can you imagine what that... FART BLASTER BREAKS WIND

...is like?

365 degrees, just everywhere.

FART BLASTER BREAKS WIND IN VARIETY OF STYLES

I'm so sorry.

I can't imagine... No.

Would you boys...

...like to say sorry to Viv?

I'm sorry we scared you.

Um, well...

We were just having a laugh.

That's not an apology, is it?

No. Mm-hm.

What do you say? Sorry, Viv.

Because what must have that been like for you?

SHAKILY: That was absolutely...

It was one of the worst experiences of my life.

It was traumatising. Yeah.

OK, I don't want to be too vulnerable in front of the children.

SUPPRESSING LAUGHTER: I know. I'm so sorry.

No cleaning's been done, so I'm sorry about that.

Do you know what? I don't blame you.

Imagine you in that situation. I'd be just as terrified as you were.

Could you do cleaning with THAT in your whole system?

Are you going to be all right to drive? Well, I don't know.

Would you be?

Well, I mean, it was sort of only farts.

All right, I guess I'll go, then, shall I?

To you, it was only farts.

It was A LOT MORE than that to me.

Though...

I tell you what, though, I would not wish that on anyone.

Not even Katie Hopkins.

DOOR SHUTS

SHE BURSTS OUT LAUGHING

So, anyway, hi, Ollie, I'm home!

CAT MEOWS

Ta-da! Who's that?

What do you mean, who is it? It's Mr Meowgi.

Wow.

All right, come on, Harry.

Ollie! Ollie! Yeah?

Thank you, Mother!

It's... It's cool.

Come on, Harry, let's go to the shed, it's boring in here.

Sorry, mate.

I'm glad you're home, even if Ollie couldn't give a shit.

You all right, mate? Where have you been?

Sorry, just been on the phone to my mum.

Had to hang up, like, eight times. She just wouldn't shut up.

Found the cat. Oh, nice!

Ollie wasn't bothered. He wasn't? No, not at all.

Where've they gone? They've gone out to the shed, have they? Yeah.

What's... What's this doing out?

Oh, I don't know. Maybe the kids got it out.

Who put this on? Nice, I don't know...

Who put it on?! I don't know. Are you OK?

What's wrong?

That's him.

Who's him?

That's HIM?

Oh, mate...

So hello.

This is the recipes.

For those of you who don't know me, I am Alex.

I am Dan's younger, better looking brother.

Right, Nic?

Oh, fuck.

Yikes.

But you can roll it in glitter and, ladies and gentlemen,

isn't my brother sparkling today?

Give him a round of applause.

God, he hated that tie.

You know, I've never been able to watch this all the way through.

Why not?

Cos it all fucking started on my wedding day.

...trod dog shit all into the carpets

on the first day he had his first car.

Stop! It's so fun! Stop it!

Oh, for God's sake. Oh...

The suits are good. Oh, you think?

Yeah, I'm surprised. What do you mean, you're surprised?

Suits never fit me, especially when they're hired.

Moss Bros! Yeah, it looks good on the botty.

Yeah, it does. Still enough space to...

SHE LAUGHS ..cut the rug later.

Don't! For God's sake!

Just had a champagne with Mum. Oh, no...

She went to the general manager of the hotel...

Right, right. ..to specifically ask... Yeah?

...that no-one disturb her while she practises the song.

Oh, God... Oh...

She's insane. Ugh!

Um... Are you all right? Are you OK? Yeah.

Oh, God. Don't, you're scaring me! What is it?

If I don't say, I'm never going to say it. Um...

I just wanted to say that...

...I think you're amazing...

...and I think I'm in love with you.

LOUD CLATTER

Babe, I'm so sorry! I couldn't find anywhere to park.

There were no spaces at all,

so I had to go and park in the bloody golf club

and lug all of this stuff from over there.

Oh... Can you imagine? No. What a blooming nightmare.

I mean, how can a place like this, of this scale,

have such a small bloody car park?

I have no idea. Make it make sense.

Can we make it make sense, please?! No, I don't...

Oh, gosh. The day!

My boyfriend was up all night, yeah? Yeah?

My boyfriend was up all night being sick. Oh...

Well, from every angle, really - from the front and the back.

Because I gave him a fish pie that I made on Monday on Saturday.

Because this bitch, he saw me in my new Givenchy coat,

and he said to me that I look like a character out of the Muppets.

Oh... That's...

That coat is beautiful. Yeah? Very beautiful.

And I know, I know I shouldn't have given him that fish pie,

but he hurt me. And when that fool used to walk around town dressing

like he was in the Peaky Blinders, did I say anything? No.

No, I didn't, because I knew it would destroy him. Yeah.

Anyway, anyway, are we, are we, are we excited about today?

Yes! Sorry! This is Alex. Alex.

Jesus. Alex, this is Jesus. Lovely to meet you, Alex.

Sorry, Jesus? Jesus, yes.

Um, babe, could you get me a coffee, by any chance?

Yes, Jesus. Um... How do you take it?

Cappuccino, please. No sugar.

Um... It's a hotel, so there's only instant in the rooms.

Don't they do cappuccinos at the bar downstairs?

Yeah. Mm-hm? Brilliant. Thank you very much.

Do you want the chocolate dust on the top?

Everything, please. Give me it all.

DOOR SHUTS OK, he's a little bit sexy.

Mm-hm. I would like a bit of that, please.

Yeah? Oh, I like him a lot.

I'm very happy for you, you're in a good place.

But isn't it bad luck to see the groom before you get married?

SHE SPLUTTERS Sorry, he's not the groom.

Absolutely not the groom.

Right... Sorry, he's not.

Um... Has anything changed since the consultation?

You're still happy with...?

I was just wondering, possibly,

if I could have sort of shorter lashes, if that was possible?

No. No? No, babe, I really wouldn't know.

No, you need to trust me. Shorter lashes do not photograph well.

OK. Could we go a bit neutral on the lips, possibly?

No, I don't think so. No? OK. Yep. Stick with the plan.

All right, let me get started with your base.

DOOR OPENS

SUZIE: I'm sorry, but your flower girl is a prick. Oh, I know.

I know she's only six but, my God, she's a massive prick! I know!

And guess who organised that one! Wonderful Carol.

Please don't make me go back out there.

No, no, no, don't go back out there.

Carol, made me, FORCED me, by the way, to have her. Ugh!

Have you seen your mother-in-law yet?

Oh, God, no.

She's a piece of work too!

If I started stabbing her, I would just never stop stabbing.

God, it's like she can't handle that

you'll be, like, the centre of attention today.

She can't handle anybody being the centre of attention.

And she tried to palm Ollie off to me.

Hi, Carol!

Oh, Suzie! There you are!

Hi, Carol! OLLIE CRIES

You couldn't just take him for a couple of seconds, could you?

I'm sorry, I can't.

Nicola? Yeah?

Please could you take him for a minute?

Oh, just... I've still got to get ready.

I'm just getting ready for my wedding.

But he just wants you.

He's just a bit tired, Carol.

Are you still all right to do me afterwards? Yeah, we're good.

Am I paying for that? No.

No, I know, you just want your mummy, don't you?

ALEX: Hey, cappuccino.

Oh, we are here! Thank you, baby!

Are you good?

Hey, what's wrong, big man? Why are you crying?

Oh, he just wants his mummy! Why are you crying?

Silly Nana. Mummy's getting married.

Oh... Come on. Come on, mate.

Let's go check the United score.

Say, "Bye, Mummy. Love you. Love you lots."

Thank you.

You're not going to be much longer, are you?

No... Mum, give Nic some space, yeah?

All right! Yeah. Come on.

I got you, I got you.

Did you notice that?

What? Alex.

What about Alex?

He's pulling away from me.

Really? Yes, I can feel it.

He's giving me that vibe, like, the last couple of weeks.

Really? Yes! No... You know when you just know?

Oh, my God, no, no, no, no. Yes!

I didn't see your man.

What's he like? Tell me about him. He's... Uh, Dan?

Um... He's very reliable and sort of... Fantastic.

...like an A4 envelope, I suppose.

Cos you've got a lot of sauce, I thought you need someone

that's going to be quite sturdy in that way.

I saw him earlier and he was grinning from ear to ear.

Really? Yeah. He looked like a right dickhead.

Dan, you always did well at school. You were brilliant at football.

You took over the business from Dad

and you've absolutely smashed that as well.

You excel at everything you put your mind to, Dan.

And, of course, as your little brother,

I did get jealous every now and then.

And then Dan met Nic and I thought,

"Holy shit, he's done it.

"He's found the one."

He's found a unicorn,

a woman so funny she can make you cry with laughter.

So witty and smart she can tie us all in knots.

So beautiful - and I'm sure you'll all agree -

that today she took all of our breath away.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And you will never find a better mother.

That's a round of applause, guys.

That's your cue for the round of applause.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

But most importantly, she is really good at telling Dan

when he's being a massive bell end.

LAUGHTER

Dan, I love you.

Nic, I love you.

SPEECH FADES OUT

♪ She stands before the mirror

♪ Smiles at her reflection

♪ Striking sexy poses in the glass

♪ She paints her lips a brilliant red

♪ Piles her hair high on her head

♪ Struggles to replace a false eyelash

♪ And all at once inside her mind

♪ She sees him at the door

♪ And as he's leading her away

♪ She feels the room begin to sway

♪ Where beauty lives in memory

♪ She falls dead upon the floor

♪ Mirror, mirror on the wall

♪ Who's the fairest of them all? ♪