Original subtitles

Wake up.

Are they people? They're so small.

Why did you poke my sole?

Venerable Tang. Venerable Tang, I'm over here.

Look over here. I'm over here.

You were asleep for so long. So we wanted to wake you up.

Come closer. I have good news...

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Venerable Tang, we have some great news for you.

Congratulations, you've finally arrived

at the place you've always dreamt of.

- Is this India? - Yes.

India?

I've finally arrived at my destination!

I'm sorry.

Master?

You've shrunk too.

Master, why are you in India too?

Tang, you haven't let me down.

We've already loaded the 22 sutras that you were looking for

onto 10 chariots for you.

They're yours for the taking. Help yourself.

But I'm here today mainly to present you with an award.

What's the award?

It's the lifetime achievement award.

Try it on.

I feel so honoured.

I like it.

You can choose between the understated or flamboyant style.

The right side is lighted up. Look.

Now, the left side is lighted up.

Please make an acceptance speech.

Me? Let me think about what I should say.

Master, what's going on?

Is it fun?

The Weirdos' Performance Troupe

Venerable, stop sleeping.

If you still can't earn any money, the troupe master will throw you out.

Yes, I got it.

Everyone, feast your eyes on amazing physical feats

from throwing knives blindfolded to one-armed handstands.

Don't miss out.

An exciting guest performance by the pig and monkey

to raise funds for the journey to the west?

Two copper coins for a ticket?

How about a 50-percent discount? Two tickets for the price of one.

Yes, of course. Thank you.

I hope you enjoy the performance.

Meet Marshal Tianpeng, also known as Pigsy.

Women!

What's your name? How old are you?

What a lunatic.

Meet the Curtain-Raising General and the monster of Quicksand River

also known as Sandy.

Shame on you for scaring the kid. We want a refund.

Are you ripping me off?

We want a refund.

Hold... Hold your horses.

The best is yet to come. Please give us another chance.

If I'm still not satisfied with the performance

you have to refund double the amount to all the audience here.

Meet the Monkey King who is also the Great Sage as powerful as Heaven.

He's fake. Pay up.

Wukong, do some somersaults.

If we have to pay everyone double, we'll be cleaned out.

Great. Thank you for your alms.

Your generosity will keep us fed for days.

This monk cheated us, Troupe Master.

Looking at how down-and-out he is, I doubt he can pay us back.

Chase him away.

You're a disgrace to my troupe and me. Scram.

You can't even behave like proper vagabonds.

Troupe Master, we're not vagabonds. We're Buddhist monks.

We've had an arduous journey.

We haven't been eating well and I've fallen sick.

It's been days since I had a meal.

That's so pitiful. Here.

These two buns are for righteous people who deserve help.

Are you worthy of having them?

We're really a professional team of demon hunters from the Tang Dynasty.

Wukong, show them your skills.

Hit me.

Hit me.

I'd better not, Senior. I don't have a death wish.

I'll hit you then.

No, that's even worse.

Fine, I'll hit you and get ready to meet my maker.

Senior, you're rock solid.

All the bones in my hand have shattered.

Lad, have you no shame?

Just keep watching and please stop poking me.

I just feel like poking you.

Hit me. Master wants us to perform.

I'm hungry. I'm not in the mood to perform.

You're hungry? That's not an excuse to slack off.

Hit me, idiot.

I heard there are some thieves pretending to be demon hunters.

They've been going around cheating and assaulting civilians.

You must be the ones.

It's true that we've hurt the innocent

but that was unintentional as my disciples were too strong.

Is that worth showing off? You've no sense of shame.

That's enough. Curtain call.

That's enough. It's a wrap.

You're so sexy.

Let me help you cool down.

No, get off me.

Wukong, stop squatting there. Do something about it.

I'm sorry. Our performance has ended. That last show was free of charge.

Brother, that performance was impressive.

Enough said.

Take this stick of candied hawthorn and let us be sworn brothers.

Brother, you've seen how strong they are.

But sometimes, they can't control themselves.

- Look. - We really are demon hunters.

Yes, of course.

Wukong, clean up the place and come back here to apologise to them.

Pick up your headband.

Put it on properly.

Wear it.

I'm already wearing it.

You think you look awesome with a twig in your mouth

wretched monkey?

Fine, I'll remove it if it gets on your nerves. Crap.

And stop calling me wretched monkey.

So what if I call you wretched monkey?

Wretched monkey.

Fine, you win. But I dare you to call me that again.

That's so frightening. I'm so scared.

Aren't all of you scared? Why don't we...

Don't be afraid.

He tends to throw a temper tantrum whenever I reprimand him.

He shouldn't be pampered.

Everyone, say this with me. One, two, three.

- Wretched monkey! - Wretched monkey!

My boy, why are you so naughty

How could you resort to bullying and cheating

Learn to be a good boy

Learn to love and care for others

and you'll realise life can be wonderful

My good boy, come back to me now

Fall into my embrace

My good boy, you must be earnest and kind

You'll always be the one I love most

Boss, we run a small business. This is everything we have.

If you want more from us

the only thing we can offer is our lives.

Firstly, we're not here to extort you.

Secondly...

Forget it. That's all I've to say.

How long has your mother been in this state?

It's been a few days.

For some reason, after we moved into this house

my mother started rambling.

If I approach her, she'd go berserk and scratch me.

She can't recognise me.

I have no idea why she's behaving this way.

I feel mentally and physically exhausted.

Thank goodness my two daughters

are helping to take care of my mother around the clock.

It's such a burden for them.

They're your daughters?

They're my god-daughters.

How old are they?

They just turned 16.

They're looking a little haggard.

All the work took a toll on them. They used to be so beautiful.

You sure have a sense of humour.

Grandma, have some porridge. You haven't eaten all day.

She's having a fit again.

Mother, what's wrong?

Mother, it's me.

- Get the magic mirror, hurry. - Here.

Thunderbolts sent by 10,000 deities shall make the demon reveal itself.

Show yourself.

Demon, show yourself.

Could it be possible that there's no demon?

But there's the stench of a rotting body in this room.

There must be a demon around. But she's not the one possessed.

Maybe she has the third eye.

She can see demons taking possession of other people.

That's why she's so scared.

Could the two of them be the demons?

I've put up with them for too long.

Demons, show yourselves.

Stop shining that on us. We can barely open our eyes.

It's not them either.

Could it be...

A hairy crab?

Wretched monkey.

Wretched monkey.

Wretched monkey.

Junior Wujing, look.

Master's whip is really powerful today.

That whip has kept Senior Wukong under control for 500 years.

It's quite formidable.

You knew they're perverted.

Why did you still clown around with them?

You asked us to perform. So that was what we did.

Did I tell you to perform in that way?

I told you to do a couple of somersaults.

But you ended up destroying families.

You shouldn't have called me wretched monkey.

You knew that would make me go berserk.

It wasn't a deliberate insult.

Everyone could tell that I didn't mean any offence.

Are you going to kill me over such a trivial matter?

Open your mouth wide.

Open it wider.

You can kill me now. Go ahead. Bite me if you dare.

Go ahead and bite him.

Go ahead. Didn't you want to kill me?

Why must you do this to me? Tell me. Why are you keeping quiet?

Why do you always deceive, provoke, hurt, torture and ill-treat me?

It seems our demon-hunting days have come to an end.

Let's disband.

Disband?

Does that mean he's going to kill us?

Master!

Master, I understand it hasn't been easy for you.

Please take your medicine first. I won't disobey you again.

What are you talking about? I'm not punishing you.

Good grief. Master, you have no idea.

Senior Wukong and I have telepathy.

When you punish him, it breaks my heart terribly.

We really have telepathy. When I hit you, my heart aches too.

Master, you should try it if you don't believe me.

When I punish you, my heart aches too.

If I were on my own, I'd have collected the sutras by now.

All of you are actually a burden to me.

On my own, I can take on 100 opponents easily.

But I'm modest. I don't brag about it.

My Buddha's Palm packs a punch.

But again, I'm modest. So I don't brag about it.

So get this straight. You're not the ones helping me.

Instead, I'm helping all of you accumulate good karma.

Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?

We understand.

Let's end the meeting here.

Chew over what I've said. The meeting's over.

Sinful monkey, watch out for my Buddha's Palm.

Did you miss me?

Master is in a league of his own now. He's even hitting on Senior Wukong.

Master is imagining himself hugging someone else

and not Senior Wukong.

Amitabha.

Master, you seemed so happy last night.

We're happy for you too.

We'll keep it a secret.

What are you talking about?

There's no more water, Senior Wuneng. Fetch us some more.

Why should I?

What gave you the idea that I must be the one fetching the water?

- Why can't you do it? - Stop arguing. I'll do it.

Miss, I'm sorry to impose on you, but I happened to be passing by

and I was wondering if you could give me some water for cooking.

There's no need to go to the trouble of cooking.

Just come in for a meal.

But I'm vegetarian.

What a coincidence. So are we.

Venerable, we're Buddhists too.

We'll be pleased to share our meal with you.

In fact, why don't you stay behind after the meal?

We can exchange insights on Buddhism.

Won't he taste bad given how sick he is?

It's fine. We'll eat him after we nurse him back to health.

Well, if you insist.

Don't bother cooking. We'll have our meal here.

What about the porridge? I've been making it all morning.

Your porridge is burnt.

- Come here. - Go back and replace the pot.

- Get going. - Come on.

Miss, this medicine is wonderful. I feel better already.

The three of them are my disciples.

Good day to you.

Good day to you.

Good day to you.

Good day to you.

Stop flirting.

- Good day to you. - Good day to you.

Screw the day! What's so good about it?

Wujing, mind your manners.

Master, what do you mean by this? My porridge was already cooked.

I don't know what you're all up to with the superficial pleasantries.

I'm sorry. My disciple is a little obtuse.

It's fine.

Pardon me for asking, but have you seen demons here?

Venerable, please don't scare me.

Why would there be demons here? That's unimaginable.

Why did you ask me that?

Actually, we're demon hunters.

I see. Really?

There's no way I can repay your hospitality

except with free exorcism services.

I see. Is that so? You're so powerful.

But unfortunately, there are no demons here.

Why don't you hit me?

Cut the crap. Just do it. If you don't kill me, I'll kill you.

I see. Are you serious?

Rascal, I told you to hit me.

I'll say it once more. Hit me, you rascal.

Have you lost your mind?

I'm not a rascal.

Of course you are. But I was referring to her.

That's enough.

Do the two of you still regard me as your master, rascals?

Get out of here. Oh, good grief.

I'm sorry.

All of you, get out.

They kindly invited us for a meal, yet you banged on the table

told her to hit you and even called her a rascal.

Go and reflect on what you did. What have you contributed to society?

Don't come back until you can give me an answer.

Come back now.

But we don't have an answer yet.

Don't bother thinking about that. Come back.

Yes, we haven't reflected on what we did.

Forget about the reflections. She's caught me.

Lift me up. Lift me higher. Hurry.

All right, stop. You may stop now.

Master, it's time for you to show your move.

You're so kind to me.

What long legs!

I love them.

What's wrong with you? I'm a spider.

I'm a pig. Nothing's wrong with me.

Your resistance makes me stronger.

What was that noise?

It's all right. That was just Junior Wujing.

Wujing, are you all right?

I got poisoned. I feel a little dizzy.

It seems I have no choice but to show my move.

It takes sincerity to subdue demons.

Encourage them to do good.

We don't always have to resort to violence.

Repent and be absolved of...

Wait.

Wukong, don't be so rough.

If you've got so much energy, you should use it to carry Wujing.

Move aside. Let me handle it.

Senior Wukong, please be gentle with her.

She's got long legs. We just got to know each other.

Master, why don't you let me persuade her first?

Be quiet.

Repent...

Master, it's all settled.

What did you say?

You vanquished her before I could show how powerful I was.

What were you thinking?

What was I thinking? You were in grave danger.

She was going to swallow you whole.

Luckily, my reflexes were fast and I killed her with one blow.

How many times have I told you?

We should subdue a demon by convincing it to repent.

Didn't you see the smile on her face just now?

Her smile? She was smiling at the thought of eating you.

How preposterous. Her smile was so sincere.

My smile is more sincere.

So do you think I love you or am I trying to kill you?

Who are you? How may I help you?

Look. He's so handsome.

You're becoming more charming than me.

Do you know that?

Of course I do. Does it get on your nerves?

Of course. Doesn't it get on your nerves?

Is Baldy feeling troubled?

He's thinking about someone.

Who?

Miss Duan.

I don't care who he's thinking about.

I can put up with all his verbal and physical abuse.

But he's been testing my limits.

He lies beside me at night and fondles me

asking me if I missed him.

Just the thought of it gives me goosebumps.

Senior Wukong, stop putting up with it then.

Why don't you just kill him?

He won't.

He'll just dance to Baldy's tune. So just perish the thought.

I'll pull out his tongue

tie it into a knot and stuff it back into his mouth.

Let's see how he can sing those tunes then.

He knows the Buddha's Palm.

I'm not scared.

If I break his arm, he won't be able to use that skill.

Master, how long have you been standing there?

I just got here. I came to check on you.

Don't worry. I didn't hear anything.

Master, have you lost your voice?

No, my voice is fine. But we're out in the wild.

We shouldn't disturb the peace by being too loud.

- Really? - Of course.

Have I ever lied to you?

All right, get back to whatever you were doing.

I need to relieve myself.

Buddha, my three disciples are so unruly.

I've failed to teach them well.

I can only sing 300 lullabies for children.

I've been pretending to be mighty by punishing and lecturing them.

But now, I'm at the end of my tether.

I've lost my voice and I can't sing. Even Wukong is planning to kill me.

Buddha, please have mercy on me

and impart to me the skill of Buddha's Palm.

I'll be forever grateful.

Please, I beg of you.

Buddha, can you hear me?

Please give me a sign. Even a fart is fine.

Pigsy, how long have you been standing there?

I just got here. I noticed you only because you called me.

Don't worry. I didn't hear anything.

I've been kind to you, right? So you know what you should do.

What do you mean by that? I just stay true to myself.

What I'm trying to say is that silence is golden.

You're making me so stressed by threatening and blackmailing me

just because I farted.

Don't give me that. I know many butchers.

You should watch out.

I got it.

Wukong, what are you trying to do?

You're the one who should watch out.

I just want to experience for myself the skill of your Buddha's Palm.

Buddha's Palm? What do you mean?

You don't get it?

I hope to spar with you. We can learn from each other.

You're running away?

My boy, why are you so naughty

How could you resort to bullying and cheating

Learn to be a good boy

Learn to love and care for others

- Baldy, I dare you to stop singing. - Life can be wonderful

Fight with me.

My good boy

My good boy

Well, let's see where you can run to.

Fine, if a fight is what you want, I'll indulge you.

I won't show any mercy then.

Hold on. Let me freshen up first.

I was just playing with you, Master.

I'm all loosened up now. I feel great.

That was terrifying.

- What are you up to now? - How is that your concern?

You've gone bald. You can't get more handsome than this.

Do you really mean it?

I'd be a pig if I lied.

So? Did you break Baldy's limbs, pull out his tendons

skin him alive and turn him into a bloody mess?

No way. Did you really kill him?

How dare you make a fool of me.

Pigsy, now, do you understand the meaning of "silence is golden"?

Yes, I just found out.

You became so gigantic after you got poisoned.

And I even have to pull you along.

Are you done?

I've got a runny nose because I caught a cold.

Cut the crap or I'll sell you to fishmongers at the market

to save myself the trouble.

Wukong. When do you think Wujing will turn back into a man?

I have no idea.

Master, do you want to find out?

Well... No.

Kingdom of Nuns

Bravo!

- Bravo! - Bravo!

Reverend Jiugong is here.

- Greetings, Your Eminence. - Greetings, Your Eminence.

Venerable Tripitaka, you have an imposing presence

as befitting an esteemed monk from the Tang Dynasty.

My admiration is heartfelt.

It's a pleasure to meet you.

How do you know my background, Your Eminence?

I feel so fla...

I feel so flattered.

Your reputation precedes you.

And your three brilliant disciples...

are awe-inspiring.

After learning that the four of you would be passing by our kingdom

His Majesty sent me here to extend a warm welcome to you.

Please come with me...

to the palace.

That magic trick was amazing.

It was just a little trick. This way, please.

- Cut it out. - It wasn't me.

What were you referring to? I didn't do anything.

- Bravo! - Bravo!

Behold the blossoms.

Your Eminence, I'm puzzled.

Are your magic tricks intended to look fake?

Venerable, we are all members of the Sangha.

We know that all the magic tricks in this world are just an illusion.

So it doesn't matter if they look real or fake.

After you.

But spiritual practice is different from parlour tricks.

So it's most important to follow our heart.

Venerable, you seem a little tense.

Are you feeling troubled?

There's someone you're thinking about.

You miss her terribly and you can't forget her.

You're mistaken.

Being human is just like practising the Dharma.

Following your heart will keep you youthful forever.

A person who can't be true to himself is nothing more than a hypocrite.

That's why I practise the Dharma by following my heart.

Can you elaborate?

That means I do whatever I please. Crap.

Are they exercising between lessons?

It's a game. Losers have to kneel.

His Majesty has been taking youth rejuvenation pills.

Now, he behaves like a kid.

It's all in line with my method of following the heart.

His Majesty is easy to please.

Simply fawn on him and you'll be rewarded with gold.

You know the rules. Give me half of your reward.

Well...

I was just joking. Don't take it seriously.

Look, the babes are greeting you.

This is intense. I like it.

Your Majesty, your guests are here.

Your Majesty, I'm Tripitaka and I'm here with my disciples

to pay you a visit as we're passing by your kingdom.

Give me a hug.

Great!

Why is this king goofier than Master?

No way.

Nobody can be goofier than Master. Master is the ultimate idiot.

Give me a hug.

His Majesty is extending to you a stately welcome.

- You must reciprocate. - All right.

It's too late. Are you putting on airs?

Give me a hug.

He's following his heart.

I heard you're demon hunters.

Yes.

I don't believe you. Show me some of your tricks.

Your Majesty, you must be mistaken. Demon hunting isn't a circus trick.

Crap! You'll do whatever I ask you to do.

You'll say whatever I ask you to say.

If you don't obey me, you're not showing me respect.

I'll decapitate you and use your head as a chamber pot.

Great. This king understands his people well.

He has my support.

Men, execute him.

It'll be fine.

Your Eminence, are you sure?

- This is just a joke. - I'm glad to hear that.

It doesn't seem like a joke.

It doesn't?

I insist on a performance, Your Majesty. That's my dream.

Wukong, show His Majesty some tricks.

Instead of performing for me, you're getting a nobody to fool me?

That's an even bigger insult. Execute him.

Don't try to dissuade me. I insist on performing my tricks.

I'll be right back after freshening up.

Step on it then.

Venerable, are you really going to perform?

Do I have a choice?

I'm stuck.

- What should we do? - It's no big deal.

Just show them your Buddha's Palm.

The Buddha's Palm isn't a parlour trick.

Why don't I transform into Master and perform something?

You just want to have your way with all the palace maids.

But Master will end up with many children.

Come on.

- Stick. - Stick.

I have another solution. Use the Talisman of Obedience.

Not again. That's been overused.

Just make do with it, Boss. We've run out of new ideas.

I'll just stick it on him

- and he'll do whatever I do. - And he'll do whatever I do.

Our movements will be identical.

What an eyesore. Execute him.

No, I'll be a goner if you perform striptease again.

Don't you trust me?

I don't.

- I'm sincerely trying to help. - I'm sincerely trying to help.

- But you don't even trust me. - But you don't even trust me.

- I don't trust you. - If you realise something's wrong

you can always stop me.

- You're not lying to me? - Do I look like I'm lying?

Have I ever lied to you?

You've always lied to me.

You're right. But it's too late now. Break a leg, rascal.

Bon bon chicken.

Bravo!

Stop.

What's he doing?

Carry on with the performance. Are you disrespecting me again?

Move.

Move aside.

What dance is that?

Striptease is my forte. Master can't pull it off like I do.

Where's he?

- Stop. - Don't stop.

Why did you stop?

If you stop again, I'll decapitate you.

Are you kidding?

Venerable, we mean what we say.

If you stop again, you will be decapitated.

Move.

This is wonderful.

- Bravo! - Bravo!

This is great! Venerable, do you have more tricks to show us?

Go to hell.

Go to hell.

- Go to hell again. - Go to hell again.

He hit me.

Hurry. Flee now while His Majesty is still crying.

Venerable, that's all I can help you with.

After the mess you created, I'm afraid your reputation...

Your reputation will be tarnished beyond repair.

Men.

Here are some money and food.

Take them with you.

Don't show up here again for the next eight to ten years.

No, how can I leave after creating such a mess?

Forget it. It hasn't been easy for us to know each other

and now, it's even harder to part ways.

After you leave today, I don't know when we'll meet again.

Take care, Tri-Tri.

Her Eminence seems to have taken a shine to you.

Master, what do you think?

I think you can consider. I'm so envious of you.

You actually won a woman's heart while practising the Dharma.

I'm impressed.

Wretched monkey, don't you have any shame?

I knew you'd resort to tricks.

But I didn't expect something so malicious.

Kneel down or I'll beat you until you do.

Kneel.

Beat me then.

Now, you know how it feels to be humiliated in public, right?

Now, you know how miserable it is to be forced to dance in public.

Now, you know how awful it feels

to kneel like a dog before you and get whipped by you.

Yes, I tricked you so that you'd know how demeaning it felt.

Fine. Since you've turned so hostile, I might as well kill you now.

Go ahead. I've thought it over.

I'd rather die than be tortured by you.

I just want to tell you this.

Don't impose on others what you don't wish for yourself.

I'm sorry. It's my fault.

Get lost. Don't give me that.

You're right.

I shouldn't have imposed on you what I didn't wish for myself.

I'm always punishing you by making you dance

and humiliating you in public.

Now, I know how awful it feels to be deprived of one's dignity.

I was wrong to have called you wretched monkey.

I'm always beating and scolding you.

I've never considered your feelings at all.

I'm the one with a problem.

I've made all of you miserable.

I've realised my mistake.

I hope you can forgive me.

Give me one more chance. Please forgive me.

Master is finally speaking with conscience.

You're so naive.

Don't you know that Master is good at using such tricks?

He's eating humble pie now so as to gain the upper hand later.

By kneeling down and apologising at the right time

he hopes to win us over.

Master may seem silly, but he's a risk management expert.

Master.

Actually, I've gone overboard too.

Please get up.

Actually, I care about you a lot.

But I tend not to express my feelings because I'm very reserved.

Master, deep down inside, I know that you're kind to me.

But please don't make me do that weird dance again.

But seriously, Wukong, you're a talented dancer.

Master, please don't bring up that subject again.

Don't call me Master. We're sworn brothers for life.

Just call me Brother from now on.

Brother.

Brother.

You're dumbfounded, right? Did you see how well that worked?

They're so chummy now. You've got to hand it to him.

The palace is out of bounds. All trespassers shall be killed.

I'm sorry, we'd like to see His Majesty.

Venerable.

Why did you come back?

Your Eminence, I've been pondering over this and it just feels wrong.

I have to restore my reputation.

Venerable, you should flee while you can.

If you return to the palace, this will end tragically for you.

Your Eminence, my reputation is more important than my life.

If my reputation is tarnished, I can't make a living as a monk.

How dare you come back.

Your Majesty, please simmer down.

Venerable Tripitaka has something to say.

Your Majesty, please simmer down.

What happened earlier wasn't my fault.

My errant disciple was the one causing mischief.

I've brought him here to apologise to you.

We'll also present an exciting demon-vanquishing performance.

Wukong?

Come on, hit me.

Are you a pervert?

Great. Appeasing His Majesty with a game is a brilliant move.

Master Monkey, let me explain the rules of the game...

Venerable, I guess we can only meet again in our next lives.

Hit me.

Can't you slap me harder? Are you malnourished?

You should hit me like this.

Move aside.

Watch out!

Red Boy.

Monkey King.

You've finally revealed your true colours.

I knew from the start that there was something strange about you.

Legend has it that you've got the Firecloud Spear

and the Flaming Golden Wheels as your weapons.

It's a pleasure to meet you.

Are you the Great Sage that is as powerful as Heaven?

Show me your tricks. Let me see how powerful you are.

That was foul play.

Well, watch this.

Venerable, come over here.

Have a taste of my Samadhi Fire.

The palace is gone.

It's gone.

Stupid monkey, stop hiding. I miss you.

I've got this.

Help!

Sir, is there an earthquake? Please save me. I've wet myself.

Your Majesty.

Stop.

Let me handle this.

What a cute little monster.

I've subdued this demon. You can have it as a souvenir.

All right, I shall chant sutras day and night until it repents.

I'll do my best.

Your Majesty.

Your Majesty.

Esteemed masters, thank you for returning the real King to us.

We've prepared lavish gifts for you as a token of appreciation.

- Thank you. - Please have a look.

They're the 3,000 beauties in my harem.

- Take them all. - They're all for me?

These aren't enough? You can have the crown as well.

- Calm down, Your Majesty. - All right.

His Majesty is offering them as ladies-in-waiting for your journey.

Yes, that's right.

I appreciate Your Majesty's kindness, but...

Did you think we were the type to accept such a gift?

Lust is a sin which we abhor.

I dare you to give all of them to me. I'll rein them all in.

Come on, Junior Wujing is getting dehydrated.

- Don't waste all that water. - Your saliva really stinks.

Beggars can't be choosers, you know.

Venerable, please don't stand on ceremony.

- Just pick one or two. - Yes.

Cut the crap. I'll rein them in now.

Your Majesty, if you insist on showing your gratitude

I'd suggest that you grant these ladies freedom.

No problem. Anyone who wishes to leave can do so.

There'll be no hard feelings. That's my promise to you.

- Your Majesty, isn't that a bit... - I feel like crying.

All the women in my harem are ugly gluttons.

They have such a huge appetite. I'm so happy I can send them away.

- You can leave. You're free. - Are you insane?

It's great being a royal concubine. Why would we want to leave?

Baldy, get lost. Who do you think you are?

We'll hack you to pieces.

Don't assume we're vain women. We're sacrificing our youth for love.

Kick out the monk. Protect our love.

Kick out the monk. Protect our love.

Look, they all adore you.

I'm going to crush your balls.

- I'm sorry to have offended you. - You'll never have children.

Stop it. You can all stay.

Protect our love. Kick out the monk.

Now, I feel like dying.

- You. - Me?

I mean the one in black behind you.

I don't think I've seen you before.

She's a new palace maid. She used to be a songstress.

What's your name?

My name is Xiaoshan.

Since you were a songstress, perform a song now

as a farewell gift for the masters.

Yes, Your Majesty.

As a monk, I shan't hold it against you.

Yesterday, today and the past have slipped away

After makeup is removed, the colours fade away

Our love has stood the test of time

I'm willing to wait for you to drift beyond the clouds

A broken heart brings great sorrow

In this world, destiny can't be changed

Let it go

Our love isn't meant to be

Is this Heaven's arrangement

Good. It's a wonderful performance from every angle.

Venerable?

What?

His Majesty was wondering if Xiaoshan could join you.

No way.

My journey to find the sutras is tough spiritual practice.

I don't think it's appropriate for her to join in.

I've been performing Buddhist rituals and I'm very interested in Buddhism.

We have to brave the elements with barely any food to eat.

A young lady won't be able to endure such hardship.

I'm not afraid. I come from a poor family.

I've done plenty of household chores since I was a child.

I'm accustomed to hardship.

Good. That was so touching.

Xiaoshan can sing, dance, clean and cook.

She's indispensable both at home and during travels.

- But... - Venerable, don't you want her?

I don't.

You won't regret this?

I won't.

Venerable, calm down and take a moment to consider.

I'll ask you one last time. Are you sure you don't want her?

- Yes. - What's wrong with you?

Why must you reject such a nice young lady?

This is simply illogical.

Reverend Jiugong, make the arrangements for me.

Give Xiaoshan a bath and send her to my bedchamber immediately.

Do it as soon as possible.

Your Majesty.

We shall take our leave then.

Men, see the guests out. And help them drag the fish out.

Come here, lass.

You'll only know the pain of all sentient beings

after you've suffered pain.

You'll only know how to let go after you've persisted.

You'll only know how to move on after you've cared for others.

This is a state of spirituality.

But I'm just an ordinary man.

Your Majesty.

Venerable Tripitaka is back.

Why did you come back, Venerable? Did you run into trouble?

After pondering over this all night

I don't think I should turn down Your Majesty's kind offer.

Your Majesty, please allow Xiaoshan to join me on the pilgrimage.

Is there a problem, Your Majesty?

- Not exactly, but... - Pray tell.

I've already had my way with Xiaoshan last night.

Why don't you choose another girl?

Well...

Venerable, I'm afraid there's nothing more I can do.

I don't mind that you've had your way with her.

I feel all the more honoured that Xiaoshan has received your favour.

You really don't mind?

Definitely not.

You don't mind, but I do.

Actually, from what I know, she refused to submit last night.

She said she'd rather die than be forced to become a concubine.

- But you said... - Yes, I lied to you.

So what if I did?

Yesterday, I asked you eight times and you rejected me eight times.

But now, you've changed your mind and come back. What's your point?

Are you trying to drive me to my grave?

Please don't get so worked up. Let's do a leg massage.

All the women in the harem look like they've been struck by lightning.

She's the only pretty one

yet you can't even let me have a slice of the pie.

- Yes. - You're a scumbag.

Since Venerable has made up his mind

and Xiaoshan doesn't want to be a royal concubine

why don't we just give them our blessings?

Men, bring Xiaoshan here.

Thank you for granting my wish, Your Majesty.

I object.

My cutie pie.

Master, have some water.

- You can have it first. - You're so kind.

Wukong, what are you doing?

I'm peeing.

How could you pee in front of Xiaoshan?

Go over there.

- Xiaoshan, you... - Master, join me.

- I don't need to pee. - Yes, you do. Come on.

Wait for me. I'll be right back.

My dear junior.

Who are you?

I'm your senior, Wuneng.

My actual looks are irresistible, right?

Sometimes, when I look in the mirror, I'm stunned by how charming I look.

Senior Wuneng, Senior Wukong is watching you.

You're such a naughty girl. Why do you like to play tricks on me?

But I won't fall for your trick.

That was intense. Junior Xiaoshan, go get a whip.

You can flog, correct, insult, torment and punish me.

What are you laughing at?

Senior Wujing, you're coughing. Have some water.

Who blocked your nose with these?

I feel great.

So sneezing can make you turn back into a man.

You should've said so earlier. I had such a hard time pulling you.

Try to pee a little even if you don't feel the urge.

You can take a close look at your reflection in the urine.

Yes, I know I'm handsome. Does that annoy you?

You've always been annoying.

Look, you're totally bald. Why would a pretty girl like Xiaoshan

give up the chance to be a queen to join you on this journey?

What do you think?

She's actually a demon. She wants to eat you.

- Don't aim that at me. - I'm sorry.

Why are you telling me this when we're already on our way?

You should've told me earlier.

Demons come in many forms.

Some are easy to spot while others can disguise themselves well.

That means you have no proof.

We can find the proof.

You can chant the six-syllable mantra or use the magic mirror.

Have you been so bewitched by her that you've lost your senses?

Do I even need to remind you?

I thought you were a professional demon hunter.

What are you looking for?

I'm looking for a mirror.

I've got one.

Here you go.

It's luminous.

What a shiny mirror.

Is it spoilt?

It's fine.

Wretched monkey, have you had enough?

Ignore him. I'll help you comb your hair.

Look.

Wukong, what are you doing?

A demon's blood will vaporise on the mirror.

- This is impossible. - There's no reaction.

Shut up, demon hunter.

- That's enough. She's not a demon. - Where's your hometown?

- Estuary Village. - Estuary Village?

It's on the other side of the mountain.

I've never seen a demon with a family.

I dare you to take me there.

Let's go then.

Estuary Village

Come on.

Xiaoshan, it's been so long since you last came home.

Mother, I'm on a pilgrimage with a monk from the Tang Dynasty.

- Help yourselves. - Look at how nice this family is.

- This bowl is for you. - Apologise to them now.

Apologise? Dream on.

Father.

Demon, you've spared no expense to hire so many freelance actors.

I'm not sure what this misunderstanding is about

but please let my mother go and spare my family.

Senior Wukong, don't be rash. Let her go.

Master is merely looking out for our junior.

It doesn't mean that he doesn't love you.

There's no need to be jealous.

I'm jealous? Just shut up.

Mother, run.

How many times do I have to tell you?

This woman is really a demon. They've colluded to harm you.

You've seen the elders and children in Xiaoshan's family

yet you're still maligning her.

You're the one doing harm now. You're the demon.

So you'd rather believe her?

Yes.

Fine, I'll kill her then.

You hit me to protect a demon?

Are you going to kill all the women I like

just like what you did to Miss Duan?

He finally said it.

So you haven't put that behind you.

Of course I haven't.

I'll never forget how you thrashed her to death.

I thought you really regarded me as your brother.

Brother? I'm stuck with a sick killer like you every day.

I had to pretend that you were my brother to make my life easier.

You won't be able to make it up to me even if you die 10 times.

I hope you rot in Hell forever.

Fine. Since you aren't my friend, you're my enemy.

We've always been enemies. Leave.

Run as far away as you can while I'm in a good mood.

You're in a good mood?

Listen up, all of you.

I've killed and subdued all those demons during this journey

in order to protect him.

But all that he's given me

are recurring migraines and whip scars all over my body.

I've repaid in full what I owed him.

As for what he owes me, there's no need to repay me.

From now on, we'll no longer be master and disciple.

- Wait, Senior Wukong. - Let him leave.

Father.

How are your family members?

They're resting after applying the medicine.

I hope they'll be fine.

What's done can't be undone. Please don't blame yourself.

Who's Miss Duan?

Miss Duan was also a demon hunter.

We had been through thick and thin together.

Actually, I loved her deeply.

But I didn't dare to admit it until one day

I saw Wukong beat her to death. But it was too late.

I've let her down.

If you meet someone else you like, will you let her down again?

Actually, I have a simple dream.

I just want to find the right man.

Then we'll get married

- and have a little baby. - Have a little baby.

And then we'll live a simple life.

I've found that person. It's you.

Master, this is terrible.

Senior Wukong has gone mad. He's going on a killing rampage.

We weren't able to stop him.

Wuneng, Wujing, check for survivors.

Mother, Father.

Father, Mother!

How can you laugh when you've got so much blood on your hands?

Have you been possessed?

Everyone I killed was a demon.

But there's no need for me to explain since you won't believe what I say.

I'll kill the last one and it'll be over.

Don't force my hand.

Would you rather die to protect this demon?

Yes. I won't let you hurt the person I love again.

Are you possessed? Move aside.

That's enough, wretched monkey.

Fine. Since you have a death wish, I'll grant it for you.

My boy, why are you

My boy, why are you so naughty

I'll sing it for you.

Buddha's Palm?

Don't give me that.

Buddha's Palm? Drop the act. You don't even know the skill.

Why do you refuse to believe me, rascal?

No.

Please stop hitting your master. Please stop it.

How touching. I'll kill you first then.

Baldy, you're better off dead.

Stop it. I admit I'm a demon.

I'm a skeleton demon.

This whole village is an illusion that I conjured up.

Listen to that. Shall I get her to say it again?

Back then, my fiance and I were attacked by bandits.

My love abandoned me and fled for his life.

I was horribly abused.

After the bandits raped me, they left me to die in the wilderness

where I turned into a heap of bones.

My grievances are still lingering to this day.

In truth, I'm nothing but a pile of bones.

I'm sorry.

Good heavens, Master is dead. Our pilgrimage can be called off.

That's great news.

They've all been dealt with.

This is great, Reverend Jiugong.

This dumb monkey is no match for us. He's even eaten his own master.

Buddha must have flown into a rage in the West now.

Shut up.

I have a dream.

I want all the liars and monsters in the world

to show their true colours.

Xiaoshan, there's no need to hide.

Come on, show yourself.

Your strategy of sowing discord has worked well.

I know you've developed feelings for Venerable Tripitaka too.

You followed your heart.

That's the supreme wisdom which I've always advocated.

Is this beast the legendary Great Sage as powerful as Heaven?

He's so cute.

Would you like to have a banana? Here you go.

Great. It'll be fun to adopt him as a pet.

- Great. - Six Hands.

Great.

It's my turn now.

King of Demons? My foot.

Just a little cough from me has made your knees go weak.

Greet your master now.

You'd better obey me or you'll be punished.

You've finally revealed your fox's tail.

My tail? I've kept it well hidden.

Monk, you're the one who's been exposed.

You've been canoodling with that skeleton demon.

Have you fallen in love with her?

Xiaoshan is innately kind.

I want to bring out the best in her

so that she can reincarnate as a human being.

You might have your strategy, but we have our counter-strategy.

Legend has it that

the demonic aura of a skeleton demon can't be detected.

You thought you could make use of her

to drive a wedge between my disciple and me.

But you underestimated Wukong's clairvoyant vision.

We pretended not to know that the entire village

was just an illusion conjured up by the skeleton demon.

We played along to trick you into revealing yourself.

Jiugong, let me tell you something else.

I'm actually very smart.

You're smart?

So you think you have great wisdom? You're just deluding yourself.

Let's see what you can do to me.

Fight them.

All right.

Master, grab my tail.

Xiaoshan, watch out. Take cover.

I'm the Great Sage that is as powerful as Heaven.

Demon, you can't escape.

Wretched monkey, he's just a dumb monk.

Is it worth dying for him?

Master, she called you a dumb monk. She knows you well.

Don't listen to her. I'm very smart.

Take that.

So you're trying to block me? Are you even capable of that?

Monkey King, your nemesis is here.

Buddha?

She's even summoned Buddha. What a great honour.

This is impossible. He's an imposter.

Yes, he's had a nose and chin job.

Monkey King, you've experienced Buddha's prowess before.

You can check if he's real.

Fine, watch out for my Golden Cudgel.

No amount of water she conjures can match the boundless Eastern Sea.

Master, take shelter in my ear.

There are two Buddhas?

Wukong.

Nine-Headed Golden Eagle.

You've been practising the Dharma under my guidance

but you're still not enlightened.

That's why you trespassed on the mortal world

to spread falsehoods.

Lord Buddha, I live for you.

I've been by your side all these years.

But have you ever noticed me?

Say no more.

- Nine-Headed Golden Eagle. - Let go of me.

Show your true self.

Hang in there, Xiaoshan.

I'll purge your demonic aura now.

There's too much demonic aura in me.

Even if you save me, I might still end up doing harm.

You subdue demons while I'm a demon.

Set my soul free.

She's right.

Her resentment is too strong. Her spirit has to be destroyed.

Xiaoshan.

The greatest obstacle in the world is love.

She means a lot to you and she's always here in your heart.

I'll be contented if I can remain in your heart as a fond memory too.

Don't look at me. Settle this yourself.

I don't want to be accused of killing your girl again.

Let's go.

Actually, I've really fallen for you.

Do you have any feelings for me?

I'm sorry. I'm afraid there's no room in my heart for another woman.

I think I'm really silly.

I already knew the answer, but I still asked you anyway.

Xiaoshan.

Let me send you on your way.

Buddhist prayers

Buddhist prayers

Don't take it so hard, Master. Let's have a chat.

Did you have feelings for Miss Xiaoshan?

Answer me. Did you have feelings for Xiaoshan?

Of course not. You're the only one I've ever fallen for.

Me?

Senior Wukong, your headband belonged to Miss Duan.

Her memory still haunts Master. So he mistakes you for her at times.

Look at his smile. He's infatuated again.

Are you serious?

Are you serious?

You don't even trust me?

So did you have feelings for her? You haven't answered me yet.

Of course not. What a meaningless question.

Do you think I'd say yes? Women always ask the same things.

So that means you did. Scumbag.

Scumbag.

No. I should get the headband back or the probing will never end.

What are you trying to do?

- Return the headband to me. - Are you crazy?

- You gave it to me, so it's mine. - You can't carry off the look.

- It makes you look ugly. - You should've said so earlier.

- I'd have returned it to you. - Don't go. Return it to me.

- Haven't I done so? - No, you haven't.

You just said you'd return it to me.

Yes, I said I'd return it to you.

But you've never returned it to me.

Is that so? No way.

It's true. Believe me for once.

- Let's go. - Wait.

There'll be a post-credits scene.

There isn't. Don't bother waiting.

Please take all your belongings with you as you leave. Thank you.

The exit is on the right.

There's usually a post-credits scene in a blockbuster.

This isn't a blockbuster, so there's no post-credits scene.

Let me repeat.

This isn't a blockbuster, so there's no post-credits scene.

If this were a blockbuster

there would've been a post-credits scene.