Original subtitles

What's with this guy? Hey!

You see me here? I'm walking!

Hey, I like your short skirt.

I like your buns.

Genevieve, I'm on Date Four and I'm outta ideas.

- Water-taxi tour of the bridges. - Thank you!

- How you doing, Genevieve? - Hi.

Valentine's Day.

I'm telling you, he'd better buy you something.

You know what? Valentine's Day is just a dumb made-up holiday.

I love Valentine's Day.

Yeah? Well, I don't know one guy who does.

It sucks!

- Hi, crazy. - Hi, Bill and Bob.

- Oops. - Uh-oh.

- Good morning. - Not with these eyebrows.

Let's see.

- They've gone G.I. Joe. - Help me.

Very Madonna.

- Swears? - Her eighties phase.

The second time, in two thousand seven.

Yes, well, Madonna post-tour for sure.

Yeah, long tour. Eyebrows grow back.

Hey, my eyebrows grow back fast.

Pluck the hair and there's nothing there.

- Oops. - Uh-oh.

Good morning. How're my ladies?

- Tim! Tim, delivered. - Tim, hi.

Well, Tim, that shirt...

looks a lot less wrinkled than normal.

Is it, I dare say, ironed?

- Are you trying to impress someone? - Yeah, you. Give me a dirty kiss.

Let's see if you can turn me.

I can't!

Give me that.

I take that.

- What would you do without them? - Oops and Uh-oh?

- Oops. - Uh-oh.

Lose my mind. How's it going for you?

Lexy and Dominique have that flu.

Now I think Annie is getting it. She's crabby.

- 'Cause she's sick? - No, 'cause she's Annie.

You know, I've gotta do something for Valentine's Day. I'm freaking out.

I'll wrap up a dozen roses with some chocolate hearts.

Is that enough?

Yeah. All women want to know is that you put some thought into it.

How many men are gonna wake up in a cold sweat tomorrow?

They wait till the last moment they put if off...

then they're on their way home and everything's closed...

and they're panicking in a Seven-Eleven...

saying, "Do you have any chocolates in a heart shaped box?"

Yeah, my wife's gonna love my gut 'cause I'm more romantic?

Yes.

Less vitamins, okay?

Are my eyebrows holding up?

Hey, will you do mine? I have date Number One tomorrow with a cute new guy.

- New guy! - Let me get you those roses.

What happened to the other guy?

- Five dates. - So it's over.

- Ends it before the guy can. - Got the safety set on her heart.

- That's a country song. - From her album, "Fear of Commitment".

Hi. Guess what? I can hear you.

It is not wrong that I want every day to be Valentine's Day.

- No! - Here you go.

- For Annie. - Thank you, thank you, thank you.

All right, you guys.

Dress up again for us tomorrow.

- Yeah, maybe I'll wear deodorant. - Why start now?

Have a nice day.

Okay, we've got to reorganize this fridge. Just move that over there...

move this over here. It's gonna be crazy in here tomorrow.

Uh-uh, I call shotgun. Hi.

I'm Genevieve. May I help you?

Hi.

I saw you at the old pizza place.

What? You're not thinking of buying it, are you?

It's been a ribs place and a chicken wings place...

and everybody goes bankrupt.

That place is cursed.

I just bought it.

- Congratulations! - Awesome!

- That's amazing! - Yay!

Yeah, I'm reopening it as a tapas bar.

What's it called?

Get on Tapas.

Get on Tapas. Get it? A tapas bar.

Are you Spanish?

No.

Why are you opening a tapas place?

Well, I saw this graph of recent graduates from my law school...

and statistically, I was right where it said I should be.

Felt a little cookie-cuttered, had a one-third life crisis. Quit the firm.

- That's nuts. - Anyway...

I'm here to get some flowers for my girlfriend.

Your girlfriend.

Excellent.

- Very romantic. - What's over here?

Good, good. Because...

I'll be honest, I'm kind of on shaky ground with this one.

I grew up in Atlanta and down there...

if a date turned into the morning after that's your girlfriend now.

But I don't know if this is my girlfriend...

or if it's just somebody I'm dating.

- Well, how long has it been? - Two months.

Sounds like a girlfriend to me.

Okay. So I'll take these.

These are for friendship.

Now for Valentine's Day...

these are for girlfriends.

I did not know that.

So, do you know if she's home right now?

No. She's a flight attendant and she's out of town. She travels a lot.

You know what would be romantic? You get the landlord to let you in...

and then you leave these beside her bedside.

That's a great idea.

- Thank you. - You're welcome.

Happy Valentine's Day.

Happy Valentine's Day.

- Why'd you say that, Genevieve? - What?

- That poor guy. - That old line. She's not "traveling".

She's got three boyfriends.

Guys like that never see it coming.

- How'd you get in? - Boy.

He's the type of guy who doesn't know he's good-looking...

and goes and gives a woman his heart and he gets stomped on.

Over and over and over again.

No Dijon! You'll take American mustard and like it.

- Okay. - That's dumb. Soap can't get dirty.

- If mud fell on it. - It would wash right off.

Wouldn't the mud be declared clean on impact?

Right, it's soap! The word means clean.

What, like, in Latin?

Thanks, Mom, but that's Valentine's Day.

Can you make beef stroganoff with chicken?

Yes. You can definitely substitute chicken.

- With Egg Beaters? - Or Egg Beaters.

- It'll be too sticky. - Okay, I gotta go.

Yeah, bye. Yeah, bye.

- Yeah, bye. - Bye-bye.

Hey, get your meat paws off my food.

All right, everyone.

What are the plans for Valentine's Day?

It's too much pressure.

My skull is gonna cave in.

All right, it's the celebration of romance.

Not if you've been single since pubes.

Kathy, what about the guy you see on the bus every day?

I'm taking your advice, I'm waiting to be wooed.

- Good. - Although I did accidentally...

kick his seat.

Very nice. Dan?

I bought a girl at work some chocolates.

That's really sweet.

- Yeah? - Yes.

Very good. Brian?

I think I'm gonna bake the girl at the newsstand a cake.

It's not funny.

- That's nice. - Yeah?

- Yeah. - Hey, hey, hey, sorry I'm late!

- Hi. - Hi.

Sorry, y'all, I was late. I know.

Java Joint guy asked me out.

- You already went there? - Yup.

Have you Googled him?

He was a total chubster in middle school...

but then he played football in high school and he lost the weight.

And his mom's a teacher and his dad sells used cars.

I went back and I told him his best friend's name in high school...

and that it would be a perfect name for our first child.

- Weird? - If weird means spooky.

Hey, you have to wait to be wooed.

Anyway, we have a date tonight.

I really don't wanna mess this one up.

Then don't text him eighty-two times between now and then.

Yes. Wait to be wooed.

And then you have five dates. And that's all.

Okay.

Just tell me what to do one more time.

All right. Date One: Breathless flirting.

Date Two: Tummy flip flops.

Date Three: The adventurous date.

Date Four: Be fun and fabulous.

- I'm always fun and fabulous. - Date Five...

make it the best date ever. And then you say good-bye.

When the romance is gone, it's time to move on.

He'll only remember you with sweet soft memories.

And you? You will never be hurt again.

Okay. I'm totally doing it your way.

- And keep those knees together. - Dang.

- Happy Valentine's Day! - Thank you!

Happy Valentine's Day! Happy Valentine's Day!

Hi, happy Valentine's Day. Happy Valentine's Day!

Hi, guys, happy Valentine's Day.

- Hi, happy Valentine's Day! - Thanks.

Happy Valentine's Day! Happy Valentine's Day!

- Happy Valentine's Day! - Help!

Welcome back.

This sucks.

Let's go in.

I can't see you.

Hiya, Greg.

Happy V-Day, buddy.

Wow, look at this place.

Big mistake.

Where are you taking her tonight?

What's with that?

For setting me up with a flight attendant.

Yeah, let's go meet some flight attendants.

- I just got dumped by one. - One what?

A flight attendant. The one you set me up with.

How'd that go?

- Do you ever listen? - Well, then I'd have to hear you, buddy.

She said my actions let her know that we weren't exclusive.

I thought we were exclusive.

So?

So it's my fault once again, for not understanding The Game.

No, there's no game tonight.

Well, I don't think long-term relationships work.

- I haven't had a relationship in a year. - Really?

- Yeah. - Here, enjoy.

And you seem like a fun guy.

I'm sorry. Pardon, I just wanna take this. It's my friend.

She keeps calling and I'm a bit worried about her.

I'll be right with you.

Hi, Tammy. Are you okay? Aren't you on a date?

- Hello? - God.

I downloaded Coffee Guy's yearbook photos...

and I made him a scrapbook.

And he blanched...

and ran out.

I'm so sorry.

You're watching "Jerry Maguire" again.

- No. - Listen to me.

Nobody completes anybody!

Tammy, you're the best. I'll call you when I get home.

- Turn off the TV! - Okay.

Hi.

So, wait, wait. Let's... let's go back to what you were talking about.

You don't want a relationship?

Yes, I do not want a relationship.

They're just an emotional cage...

that sad couples peek from behind the bars of...

looking at all us happy single people...

wondering what fear of being alone made them say "I do".

So, you're some kind of swinger?

What just happened?

- Oops. - Uh-oh.

Okay.

I can just imagine the tapas on that.

- Hi. - Hi.

It looks great in here.

Well, thanks.

So...

- you're opening soon. - No.

Yes, I guess.

I was thinking, I would like to provide your floral arrangements.

Well...

I didn't put flowers in my budget.

I'm sorry. I thought you just said you didn't put flowers into your budget.

- I did. - Take it back.

What?

Greg, with all due respect...

you're making a huge mistake.

A new restaurant is not just about the food.

It's about ambiance and soul.

Now, flowers provide a salve to our senses...

because aesthetic beauty calms us and soothes us.

Which means, customers will feel good here.

They will linger, they'll order more wine...

which means they'll have dessert and they will leave happy.

And they will go home and they're gonna make love.

They will wake up in a great mood and then tell everybody...

about the fabulous new tapas restaurant they just went to.

Flowers do all that?

Yes.

How much?

Not much.

You're good.

Who told you?

- Mom call-waiting. I should go. - I should tile my patio.

On "Martha Stewart," she did it on her own.

She even fired her own tiles in a homemade kiln.

I'll bet she can glaze a ham with her feet.

Okay, why did I call? Let me see, now I can't remember.

Yes, yes, yes.

What was the name of the man who had the dog that looked like a cat?

Okay...

He died.

I'm sorry. All right, I'll send some flowers.

- Okay. - Okay. Yeah, bye.

- Yeah, bye. Yeah, bye. - Bye-bye.

One new message.

Hi, Genevieve. It's me, your dad.

Just calling to say hi and see what you're up to.

Give me a call some time.

Then why is it called a lawn mower and not just a mower...

since you don't mow anything but a lawn?

You could get mowed down by a car.

- Yeah, but not with a lawn mower. See? - Yes, you could.

If it was running on your lawn and you bent over, it could run right over you.

- Why would you do that? - Hey, Dan.

You got a really fat head.

- Maybe it's your face. - Yeah, it's hereditary.

My mom has a fat face and my dad has a fat head.

You should see his mom's head. It's huge.

Can I help you?

Hi. I'm Greg Gatlin. I own the new restaurant down the street.

Good. I missed the pizza.

Well, now it's a tapas bar called Get on Tapas.

I don't get it.

Tapas bar.

I don't get it.

Tapas bar.

Anyway, I'm having a party in a couple weeks. Hope you can come.

- I don't go to parties. - Yeah, I don't think so.

- Free food and drinks. - Why didn't you said so?

- Welcome to the neighborhood. - Thank you.

- Yeah, good luck with the restaurant. - You know that place is cursed, right?

I'm gonna beat that curse...

but I'll need you to Get on Tapas.

It's a florist's secret that the purple ones have the deepest scent.

For the party, I'm gonna put one on a hair comb for your girlfriend.

No girlfriend.

I'm sorry.

- She wasn't who I thought she was. - Okay, well...

owner of this new hot Brooklyn restaurant...

you are gonna meet somebody new.

No, no, no. I'm off relationships.

Fantastic. You'll be so much happier.

Okay, you're not gonna say that thing that women always say...

which is I haven't found the right one yet?

No. I don't believe there's just one person.

What?

I don't believe people are meant to be in relationships.

- What? - Yeah, we should just have fun.

And when the romance is gone, move on.

- Well, how long does that last? - Five dates to be exact.

That is exact.

Five dates happens to be the perfect amount of time...

to achieve maximum fun with no pain.

No expectation equals no disappointment.

It's just fun, and there are no rules.

- No rules? - No rules.

And you know what? In relationships, that's all there are.

You know, one person wants more, the other person wants less.

And then they act out cheat, come back, stay out of guilt...

oops, now someone's pregnant, all of a sudden...

you're married and hate each other.

Dating is just so much more romantic.

So, you love romance but not relationships?

What's to love about something that only brings unhappiness?

It's just... It's just not natural.

Do you know any happy couples?

All the time? No, but...

I am happy all the time.

That's hot. Is she hot?

Doesn't matter. Her attitude is hot.

She could have three eyes, two butts and a tooth and I'd do her.

Hey, does this tie say "My client's guilty"?

She's just...

Hey, when was the last time you had a good pastrami sandwich?

New cafeteria girl has a sexy thin eyebrows thing going on.

All right, I'm gonna ask her out.

You lucky moron, she just wants to have sex with you.

What? Don't be ridiculous.

Dude, trust me. Chicks love an assertive guy.

Come on, try it for once.

I wanna have sex with you.

Greg...

just because I don't believe in relationships...

does not mean that I'm easy.

If you are interested in spending some time with me, you may romance me.

Got it?

Okay.

Sorry.

It's okay.

Now... it just so happens, I am open for wooing.

Okay. What do I do?

Well, anything.

Women appreciate any gesture of romance.

I'm not a romantic.

You broke into your ex's apartment with roses.

I caught her in bed.

You did?

That was my fault. I'm sorry.

- Back to this. - Okay.

Just put some effort into it.

Women like to be pursued.

I've been flown to Hawaii, I've had my name peed in the snow.

It all counts.

Okay.

How about rent a billboard that says, "Let's bone"?

Or "You got nice hair".

Look, I am intrigued by this theory of hers.

My instincts are messed up and...

stat-wise my dump ratio is off the charts lately.

Lately? No, you've always gotten burned.

Remember in law school that chick who dumped you by fax?

Or the one who ditched you for a party clown?

- That's why I hate clowns. - I like balloon animals.

Especially giraffes.

Hey, but with this chick, you can't get dumped.

You're so right. That's the beauty of it.

We're both agreeing to end it after five dates.

I think I'm gonna try this...

see if I can come out without the usual intestine-twisting pain.

What, am I boring you? I sound like I'm on Oprah's couch?

Man, Oprah is hot.

- Oops. - Uh-oh.

Here you go.

Hello.

- Hi. - Hey.

Don't you guys have something to do in the back?

No.

Could you take these to that place that ordered them that day...

when they called on the phone to ask about them?

Thank you.

I have not asked you out.

But I'm working on it.

I'm just stumped by the whole romance thing...

the gesture to woo you with.

Jewelry, a stuffed animal.

I mean, I just, you know, a bird?

I don't know what I'm supposed to do.

Well, you're not "supposed" to do...

anything.

You know what, forget it. It's okay.

Obviously this is just causing you stress and... Let's be friends.

Hey, what's that?

- No, no, hey... - Hey, wait a minute. No, don't.

It's got my name on it! Let me see.

"Roses are red, violets are blue.

Will you be my date for my restaurant opening? I hope you do."

There you go!

- To Get on Tapas! - To Get on Tapas!

- Congratulations. - Thanks.

I can't believe I did it.

I'm really glad you're here.

To our first date.

- Is this an okay first date? - Yes, it's perfect.

Okay.

Because Date Number One is a new beginning.

Well, this place is going to take up a lot of my time, so...

I'll have to take it slow with us. Is there a time frame?

No.

Okay.

What a dump! I'm just joking. Nice place. When you closing?

Best burrito bar I've ever seen.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Cal, this is Genevieve...

- the girl I told you about. - When?

Five dates.

Hello. I'm Cal, short for Callous.

On behalf of men everywhere, I would just like to say thank you.

You should teach a course to all the crazy, clingy broads that I've...

hey, this is ping.

Is this your adopted daughter?

She's my date.

Good, someone's choking.

Behave.

Dude, is there a club of them? Are there others here?

Get ping a drink.

There you go.

Sorry about Cal.

- He's harmless. - Yeah. If you're vaccinated.

Hey, I...

I saw this and thought of you.

I love it!

Yeah, Spanish flowers.

It's really thoughtful. Thank you.

God! For a while there, it was gonna be a scented candle.

That would have been nice, too.

What about... notepaper?

- Lovely. - Scarf?

- Yes. - Antique stool?

- Creepy. - Really?

Yeah.

I'm not really a fan of antiques.

You know, they...

I can kind of only see the person who once had it, you know...

like their, their dead hand clutching it.

You know?

Good to know.

Other stuff: Jazz makes me nervous and nauseas...

and one sleeve dresses, they're just wrong.

I'm hot, no this arm's cold.

Got it.

Okay.

And what are your fears?

Opening a restaurant.

How are reservations?

A few people have called. For pizza.

You smell nice.

This is the good part.

What?

The anticipation.

So thanks for taking the day off work.

An art gallery opening, what a great idea!

Yeah? Good, good, because you said our second date should be...

theatrical or cultural, so I thought of this, or...

maybe a concert.

Okay, I don't know what you're thinking to do about for music...

for your restaurant, but I saw this band at a wedding I did last year...

and they can play anything.

That's, that's so thoughtful of you.

"Exhalations".

It's called "Manifest Destiny.

It's called "Train Tracks".

Isn't it beautiful?

Two thousand dollars.

What? Let me see that.

This one's called "I Hate Grandma".

For real?

No.

What's it called?

"Yellow dot".

I don't see it.

I'm so glad you didn't like it.

I'm so glad you didn't like it, either.

Now, on Date Number Two...

we do the requisite trading of familial background information.

A sister, two parents, all close.

Okay, no siblings, parents divorced, not close to my father.

Why not?

- My dad cheated. - That must've been hard.

Well, I plan to get over it one day.

Yeah, yeah, it's good to let that seething anger fester for a long time.

Well, changing the subject, you owe me something private back.

Jeez. One time, I heard my parents.

- No, no. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Couldn't look them in the eye until I was in college.

"Hey, Mom, Dad."

Weird.

- This is a fun date. - You like my system, huh?

Yeah, so far so good. I mean, no expectations...

or wondering if the other person is looking for some kind of commitment.

- No worrying about the first kiss. - Yeah, that's over.

I'm...

I'm not really good with the public display of affection kind of thing.

Okay. Okay.

Go, go, go back to the part about the kissing.

Yeah, the part about the kissing.

- Wait, when's the next date? - Yeah, when's the next date?

In eight days.

I told him Date Number Three should be an adventure.

- I can't wait. - I can't wait.

Cal recommended this place.

Okay, this sake is called Nigori and it's very unique.

Later we're gonna try Junmai, which is very pure.

Okay.

But here's the adventure... a sake bomb!

Okay.

All right!

It's time for Kamikaze Karaoke!

Where I put the songs, nobody knows!

All right, our first...

player is...

seat number six.

Look under your chair for your number.

Seat six.

- That's me! - Come on down! Come on!

Come on, hurry up!

That's my number! What's my song?

You are singing "polly Wolly Doodle".

- I don't know the words. - That's why it's...

Kamikaze Karaoke!

Did you know about this?

No.

I went down south

For to see my Sal Sing Polly Wolly Doodle all the day

That was great, that was great!

Despite what everyone thinks, that was fantastic.

Nobody knows

The trouble I have seen

Glory

Hallelujah

All right, that was wonderful.

I don't know what song that was, but that was fantastic.

Go head, have a seat. Sorry, your time onstage is done.

Thank you very much, sir.

Okay. Next up seat number...

thirty-three. Thirty-three?

Thirty-three? Come on, don't be shy!

Thirty-three!

- Thirty-three! - Thirty-three!

Genevieve.

- Thirty-three! - Thirty-three!

Then go!

No way.

Go!

- Thirty-three! - Thirty-three!

That's me!

All right!

All right, there you go.

Hi. Okay, you have...

"There's No Livin' Without Your Lovin"'.

- Okay. - All right.

Thank you.

If I can't love you

Till the day I die

Then baby, oh baby

What good am I?

If I can't reach out And know that you'll be there

Then this old world Ain't spinning anywhere

And there's no livin' Without your loving

And the fellow!

You can do it!

Something!

Come on!

You suck! You suck!

You suck! You suck!

Enough abuse for you.

Come on down there, missy. That was fantastic.

All right. Big round of applause.

- Are you okay? - Yeah.

- Should we go? - No.

No, I could never get up there. It's too public.

But that's what's fun about karaoke.

I couldn't get up there.

- So you do have a fear. - No. No fear, just a choice.

A choice not to act like an idiot and do something stupid.

Buffalo gals, can you come out tonight Can you come out tonight

I don't know, I think sometimes it's fun to do something stupid.

That's 'cause you're fun.

You're easygoing and nothing fazes you and there's no pretense.

You're blushing.

I am?

Yeah.

Should we order?

Yeah. See if they have public humiliation on the menu.

They do. I just had it as an appetizer.

I think it's interesting.

These southern gentlemen, they're not loud and show-offy like us.

You know, he's a gentleman. He doesn't do stupid things.

He's different.

I don't know, she's just so alive, so...

fearless.

- And the best part? No rules. - Yeah, well, that's different.

- She is different. - Who?

Dinner.

Why are we friends?

Hello, canoe tip? I saved your life at summer camp.

No, no, no. I saved your life, pal.

And I've been loyal to you ever since.

- Here comes Genevieve. - Who's that?

I gotta get to court. Thanks for the nachos.

Hello.

- Hi. - So I was thinking...

why not get a stellar review and make your place the talk of the town?

- It's that easy? - Yeah.

Well, I'm not ready.

The menu is still in transition.

- It's just a little neighborhood joint. - Really? Well, I thought you'd say that.

So I told him what a nice, hardworking guy you are...

and that opening a restaurant is this huge big change in your life...

and he said when you're ready for a review, you just call the paper, okay?

- You called the critic? - Yeah.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Well, I should go.

Okay.

Happy.

You think so? I'd say unhappy.

What looks unhappy about him?

Stooped shoulders, big sigher. Watch.

Wait for it.

- You're good. - I have a gift.

- Yeah, all right. - Watch.

Pretty upbeat guy.

- Worried about office politics. - Is that right?

Pretty upbeat gal.

Worried about...

- nothing? - I told you, happy all the time.

Or just doesn't think about things that make her unhappy.

Look at that old lady.

- Happy. - Yeah.

- Hey, Tim, can I ask you a question? - Keep it clean.

Genevieve's really not into commitment?

No. No, just fun.

What do you think about this five dates theory?

I got a wife, two kids, two mortgages, nosy in-laws...

a dog that humps my La-Z-Boy, and no peace.

I think she's a genius.

She makes me feel like...

it's hard to explain, but like I can do no wrong.

I'm planning dates, I'm buying little gifts.

That's not me, but I like it.

So I wanna do something really special for her.

What do you have in mind?

From Greg.

"In my fantasy, you're wearing these with nothing but a smile."

My!

- Let me see. - Gimme! Gimme!

No!

I don't think so!

It's mine.

I'll be honest. I don't know if I can beat that restaurant's curse.

You will.

This is pretty.

Antique.

Thanks for making dinner.

You said it would make a great fourth date.

Thanks for listening.

To our fourth date in three months.

Yeah.

You know, for me...

romances are usually this fast whirlwind...

and I...

I've just really enjoyed taking the time to get to know you.

Yeah, me too.

- So what's this now? - Marinated peppers.

That's hot.

How hot?

This is the most fun I've ever had.

Me too.

Great. Now I gotta get one of these for my wife for Mother's Day.

Good morning, beautiful boys!

Your skin is very clear.

Your eyes are so white.

They did it! They did it!

They did it! They did it! They did it!

Hey, this is none of your business.

- But we're so proud of you! - Deets. I need details.

I would never. I'm a lady. Please!

Okay.

Then we won't ask you about it.

- Good. - Fine.

Super fine.

I have mail to open.

Tim, orchids for the Mother's Day rush?

Friday.

How are my eyebrows?

Very Gwen Stefani during pregnancy.

- He cooked for me. - Go on, go on.

- I slept over for two nights. - Go on!

- So this is date number four? - Yeah.

- And there's one more date after this? - Yes.

And after date number five, it's over?

Yes.

You seem different.

- How? - I don't know.

Hi.

What are we doing?

Can you see Greg?

- Yeah. - Okay.

Does he look sick or injured or on fire?

No.

It's been four days?

Yeah.

Four days.

- Why hasn't he called me? - He'll call.

So look. It's crazy.

Looks like a reborn...

- Hey. - Hello.

What'll it be today, Genevieve? Pears and Brie?

Pate and celery sticks?

I'll have a meatball sandwich.

He hasn't called yet, huh?

How are you?

Good.

Good.

How are you?

Good.

Good.

How are you?

- Good. - Good.

- Good. - Good.

How are you?

Good.

Good, good.

That's on the house.

Genevieve. To go.

- What's going on? - Pardon?

- You didn't call. - What do you mean?

What do you think, you can just have your way with me?

- But you said... - What? What did I say?

Five dates. Then move on. No anger, no recriminations...

- no commitments. - Right. We had four dates.

Four? No, five.

What are you talking about?

Restaurant opening, Date One. Art gallery, Two.

Karaoke, Date Three. Dinner at my place, Date Four.

Then, you stayed over that night and the next...

so I thought that whole next day and night was the five dates.

Yeah, I'm just kidding.

You are?

I'm joking.

Yeah, that makes five dates.

- It was a lovely love affair. - Yeah, it was great. I'd like to...

But the romance is gone, so we must move on.

- I know, but do we have to move on... - Yes.

Anymore dates would be a relationship and those do not work.

- I wanna... - Okay. All right, see you.

My God, my sandwich. So hungry. Bye.

When? When? When is she coming back?

Don't you work?

Yes.

Hi. Thanks for coming in.

I heard.

What happened?

He thought we had five dates.

Why on earth would he think a sleepover equals another date?

Maybe because it sort of does.

Can you be quiet?

But maybe it does a little bit for boys, maybe?

- Do you want another date? - No.

- But maybe you do. - No.

Yes. Maybe this could be a relationship, maybe?

No!

Fine.

And let's just be clear, okay?

It was four dates.

Five.

Bye.

Gotta go.

- What's this place called? - Get on Tapas.

That's dirty!

Stupid, stupid, stupid.

What'd I do?

I'm so sorry!

I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry!

I'm so sorry! I'm sorry!

Yeah, no, no, no.

I gotta... Really, I gotta...

- Really? Come on. Really? - I think I'm catching something.

You better watch it or you will, too.

Right. Hey, what happened to that one you were "not dating?"

- Five dates. It's over. - Atta boy!

- Yeah. Have fun, man. - Let's roll. Who's first?

Make that booty call.

- It's complicated. - No, honey. My bowels are complicated.

Life is simple. Call her.

If you knew a certain gesture, like, say, calling...

would be considered "needy", and therefore a turnoff...

but you wanted to call, and you felt...

this call could be welcomed this one time...

if you were the one person who took a chance to do something different...

maybe even some would call it romantic...

like calling for another date...

a date that...

if someone were counting, could be numbered above five...

say six...

do you think that would be considered manly?

No, it wouldn't. It would be a pain in the ass.

Thank you.

One new message.

Hi, it's me, your dad.

Well, I guess I missed you again.

Maybe I have an old number for you? Did I say it's me?

Gimme a call sometime.

Happy birthday!

Hi, Mom.

This is delicious.

I made it from a "Top Chef' recipe.

It's called "Gateau". Now wouldn't you think that's made from a cat's toe?

But it's G, "gateau".

It means cake in French.

Genevieve?

Your father said you never call him.

You talk to Dad?

Of course! He was my life for twenty-five years.

Not the photo. Okay.

He had affairs.

So, are you seeing anybody now, Missus Gernier?

- Please say you are. - Yeah.

Okay.

I wouldn't know a thing about dating.

Ask Genevieve. She's an expert on dating.

Yeah.

Okay.

Hey, hey, wow, we have to get to work.

So, okay.

Well, hey, you guys owe me forty bucks for these cameras.

- You gave it to me. - No, I didn't. I said I'd...

- Yeah, you did. - I'm sorry, I didn't mean for that to...

Thanks for coming by. Mom, thanks for the cake.

- Come on! - Happy birthday, dear.

Oops.

Uh-oh.

So now the restaurant is a success?

I told him about that reviewer, and the band.

Do you want to go inside?

No!

You could flirt with the band in front of Greg.

Okay.

Do I have anything in my teeth?

- No, you are okay. - Really?

Yeah.

What about here? Is it like the rings of Saturn?

They're tight.

Yeah, should I pull them up?

- I think so. - It's like they're...

Genevieve!

- Genevieve! - What?

No.

I know. I'm so sorry. Nobody saw.

- Really? - Yeah, I don't think so.

Maybe a lot of people. No, I don't think so.

- I know what will cheer you up. - What?

There's a really, really cute guy working at the second run movie theater.

They always smell like dust.

- Yeah, I love that. - Okay, go flirt.

- Don't scrapbook him. - I'll try.

- Hi, Mom. - What are you doing?

- Nothing. - Has he called?

I think he's gonna call you.

Pride, it ruins relationships.

- Look, we have to do something. - Yeah, we do.

Why can't she just admit she wants another date?

- Why can't he say it first? - 'Cause guys don't do that.

But that's the problem. We not only have to figure out our own feelings...

we have to tell you what's going on in your tiny heads.

No, no, we have to do everything! We have to plan the date...

have to make sure it's something you've never done before...

have to think of romantic gifts for you...

- There you go. - We have to listen to you.

"Please, tell me more about how you're a mixed media artist...

who used to work only exclusively with 'found objects'...

but now you work with cork."

Look, Genevieve has been nothing but kind to us, right?

And she's always there to listen to us and give us advice...

whenever, and wherever, we need it.

- I would be lost without her. - We would all be lost without her.

You guys, before you met Genevieve...

had you ever kissed anything not made of plastic?

- Four dates? - Yes!

Shut it! Shut it! Shut it!

How's about you finish what you started?

- Yeah. - Right?

Hey, we got an invitation.

"To all who made Get On Tapas a success...

please join us for a Spanish Feast of the Assumption August fifteenth.

See you there! Greg Gatlin."

Well, someone is making assumptions we're all available August fifteenth.

And making assumptions we care whether his restaurant broke the stupid curse.

He's not even Spanish. Poser.

We're going.

Have a good time.

We're all going. You will wear a pretty dress.

Plus lipstick. And I'm gonna wax those eyebrows right now.

Bill, get more glue sticks.

Her legs are so hairy it looks like she's wearing pants.

Come here, Steve Carell's chest.

No.

Bartender, a drink for the lady.

What's your plan?

Okay, around ten o'clock, I...

The stroke of midnight.

Okay, at the stroke of midnight...

I'm gonna present her with these roses on this comb.

Dude, did you make that yourself?

Lose the comb. Just give her roses.

Okay.

At the stroke of midnight, I'm going to present her with some roses, no comb...

and ask for the other date...

which, depending on your interpretation of five dates...

'cause I do think that I counted correctly...

No, no, no! Cut that last part.

- Okay. - Now make it right.

Okay. Scatter.

- Sorry. - Hey...

Ginger.

- You changed your hair. - What's going on?

But you had your five dates. You're done. My turn.

Go get some air, all right?

You had your five dates.

You had your five dates and you're done? I see.

I see, so you just hand me off to your shallow friend?

You... you know I didn't hand you off.

- Still you are not a gentleman. - What?

- You suddenly decide four dates is five? - It was five.

No, a sleepover doesn't count as a date!

Sorry. I didn't read your instruction manual.

What does that mean?

It means that you act like you believe "c'est la vie"...

"have fun, everyone, there are no rules". But you are all rules.

You control everything.

Who will woo you, for exactly how long, five dates, then good-bye.

You entered this willingly and then you blame me 'cause you can't count?

I get it now. I just figured it out.

You are so scared of being hurt that you pretend to have this philosophy...

about relationships not being normal.

Your fear of intimacy is only matched by your ridiculous fantasy life.

You act like you live in the opening credits of some French film.

You control everything so it doesn't turn into something real.

I like French films.

Well, they're not real. Just like you.

- Here he comes. - Dude, now...

You can catch them on your tongue.

Wanna go?

- Yup. Yeah. - Big time.

No!

Maybe you should go back and talk to him.

No...

he hates me.

I feel naked.

I feel like Greg can see right through me.

So? Does being vulnerable make you weak?

It's so my mom.

I never understood why my mom let my dad see...

her pain.

I wanted her to act like...

"Well, you cheated, get out".

But she...

cried to him.

I remember when she found out.

She sat down at the kitchen table...

and her eyes went back and forth...

as if she was trying to add something in her head.

And then he left.

And you decided no one would ever make you feel that way.

Well...

it's over.

It's over.

That's no fair. I wasn't looking. Do-over.

Get up.

No. I'm good.

- You dodged a bullet, buddy. - No, I didn't.

No, you didn't.

I'd love to go on a date with you. I'll be back at the shop in 5 minutes.

Yo, everybody, it's ten minutes until midnight!

Hey, guys, it's almost midnight!

Cal says you like wine?

Do you have any Zinfandel?

Same thing.

A spritzer.

Yummy.

You're so inventive.

So anyway, my sister, not the bipolar one, the other one...

- Hi. - I'm seeing someone.

Boy, that's great.

Yeah, but it's new.

Do you have any love advice for me?

Mom, I don't think you want advice from me.

Shut up, it's time!

Five, four, three, two, one!

Happy New Year!

My eyes are bleeding!

Mom!

You're dating John?

Yeah, he's ten years younger than me.

I'm a cougar!

And I'm a young buck!

- I forgot. - Okay.

I made you...

a scrapbook of your life.

I askjeeved, googled...

and classmates. Commed you and...

there is a whole page of collage of your lips.

I love it!

You're adorable.

And I got you this paperweight that magnifies your baby picture.

- Oops. - Uh-oh.

Oops.

Uh-oh.

- Table for one. - Only the lonely.

- Serving only the lonely. - It's lovely out here.

- It's chilly, isn't it? - Do you know anyone we know out here?

- No. I used to. - Who's that?

She looks like someone we used to know.

She was the most romantic, happy person who loved love.

Then she turned into a shriveled twisted...

Stop.

I think...

you need to tell Greg that you're scared.

You know, you think this is fear.

This is instinct.

Avoiding pain is how humans have survived.

You think we'd still be here if we didn't know...

"look, there's a saber-toothed tiger. Let's run before it eats us"?

Honey, did you just see your mom?

I did.

Let go.

Forgive the past.

- Hey. What is that? What are you doing? - It's a moment.

Can we give you some advice?

No.

All right, bring it.

Woo him.

You baked him muffins?

Isn't that a tiny bit "think of me as your cousin Ethel"?

Really? It took me all night to think of that.

This is hard. What do guys like besides pizza and morning sex?

Okay, I have to focus. I have to focus.

I have to think, what does he want? What does he want?

Because he will call me, he will call me.

He will call me.

So...

he sent a thank you note?

Still no call?

What does this even mean? What does it mean?

"Genevieve, thank you for the gifts.

Grrrrrrreg."

I don't... I don't know what else to do.

I've sent Rangers tickets and chocolates and "Simpsons" DVDs.

I mean, I don't get it! What do men want?

A cellulite seaweed wrap, a diamond dog collar, and a karaoke machine.

Karaoke's a no.

- Can I cancel it? - No. We'd be out of business.

It's gonna suck.

Yes, but it always does.

Roses For Whatever.

A thank you note?

She sent you all those gifts and you didn't call?

I wanna call.

Am I an idiot?

In general? I don't know.

Love makes you crazy. You should call her.

I said horrible things to her. What do I say now?

And the probability ratio of a failed relationship working...

zero to none.

But this never was a relationship.

Come on!

Stupid fake holyday.

I know! It's just a day of pressure, isn't it?

I mean, even if you're in a relationship, which I'm not...

it's just a day that makes you feel inadequate.

Am I doing enough for this person? Did I get a big enough gift?

Do I even know this person?

And what about those candy hearts? "Be Mine".

Like you gotta be somebody's to matter, right?

I mean, I'm not anybody's now, but I've been, before.

Chocolates for Genevieve!

Happy Valentine's Day!

John, it's a good day for you because you're dating my mom.

A visual, that if I let it burn through my retinas...

will seara hole through my skull and my brain will leak onto my neck.

This is why you are happy on this day.

I have seen this day for what it is, a hollow sham.

I will sell many roses to many fools on this day...

who have not seen the light as I have.

Valentine's Day blows!

Don't get your hopes up today. Some man will just crush 'em.

Mine!

Roses For Fooling Yourself That Romance Exists.

- You want to work in the back today. - May I help you?

- Okay, who was first? - I was!

Tim.

Hey, what's up?

Tim...

I don't know anything about anything anymore. What do I do?

How do I know? I'm from the world of "Not tonight, the kid puked on me".

Yeah, but sometimes...

it's nice, right?

This morning, the kids were running around like crazy...

Annie's standing in the kitchen making pancakes.

Hair's all messed up...

her breath could've knocked a buzzard off a portapotty and...

when she wasn't looking, I reached out and took the pancake syrup and...

I spelled "Happy V-Day" out on her plate.

She cried, you know?

Do I have it all wrong?

Is that what love is?

Well, you know, it's not...

butterflies in my tummy love, you know...

but, you know, even on the bad days, you get there...

you see her and the kids...

and yeah, think...

yeah...

it's good to be home.

Anyway, that's what love is to me.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Tell the boys I need to go.

Hi, Dad.

Genevieve.

Jeez, it's so good to see you.

How are you?

Dad...

you never should have cheated on Mom.

Well...

I don't see how my relationship with your mother concerns you.

Well, guess what? It does.

It messed us all up.

It really hurt Mom, and...

how was I ever supposed to trust a man after that?

It changed me.

It's taken me years to figure this out.

I thought all I ever did was fall in love...

but really, I made sure I never did.

So, yeah it does concern me.

And you were wrong to do it.

But I love you.

Good-bye.

Boy, I can't wait to get home to my old lady.

Did you get her a Valentine's card that says, "Hey, old lady, glad you're alive"?

I meant my dog.

She's old and her name is Lady.

Sorry.

I like old things.

Lady was eleven when I got her from the pound.

That antique stool?

I found that when I was in Kentucky on the road.

It's almost two hundred years old.

Don't you find that kinda creepy?

Like you can still see the old dead guy sitting on it?

Well, I do now.

Good talk.

Hey, you're out of T.p.

Any girls show up looking for me?

I hooked us up with some paralegals.

You get Melissa, I get Doreen. No, wait a minute.

Why do I stand here, with my hands in my metaphorical pockets...

chained to my comfortable spot of fear?

Are you rehearsing for a play?

No, man, I'm talking about Genevieve.

Come on.

I miss her. I want to see her again.

By summer, I want to lose five pounds.

I blew it, man.

- I'm a complete moron. - We're guys.

It's an accepted fact of our sex that we do stupid stuff.

What'd you say?

I need to shed the lbs, I'm getting chunky.

No, no, no, about guys doing stupid stuff.

I don't know. I don't listen.

Men do stupid things.

Yes, yeah. Think about it, I mean, that's how great things happen.

Take the Wright Brothers.

What is smart about jumping off a cliff strapped to wooden wings?

Wood is heavy.

That's it! I gotta do something stupid.

- Thank you. - You're welcome.

- What's open? - What's happening?

- May I borrow that? - For two bucks you can own it.

- Deal. - Plus a week's free tapas.

- Make it a month. - Deal.

- Cal, get me some scissors. - Cut that up.

I'm alive, okay?

Yeah, but are you watching "Jerry Maguire" again?

No, I am not.

Wait, is that jazz outside your window?

It is.

Yuck, jazz!

- What are you doing? - Genevieve!

Here's stuff that scares you.

Here's something that scares me.

If I can't love you

Till the day I die

Then maybe

Baby

What good am I?

If I can't reach out And know that you'll be there

Then this whole world Ain't spinning anywhere

'Cause there's no livin' Without your lovin'

Without the thrill Of your magic touch

There's no livin' Without your lovin', baby...

You're an idiot!

No, you are, but I love you!

Well, that makes you a bigger idiot.

And I love you, too!

Now go away.

Okay, everybody, on three.

One, two...

three!

Genevieve...

will you be my Valentine?

- You're still an idiot. - So are you.

Enough of your dumb system. Are you my girlfriend?

Yeah.

I'm your girlfriend. You're my boyfriend.

Some relationships work, you know.

Look, I'm willing to try, but I think we should set some rules...

because I don't know what we're getting...

Stop talking.

Make me.