Original subtitles

[Harley] Previously on Harley Quinn...

Fu...

[Harley] And now...

...uck!

[groans] Damn it, Harley! What the hell?

I, I'm so sorry.

I mean, the whole thing with the zombies and the barfin'

and the mass murder--

I was building Edin.

It's something I thought you wanted, too.

It felt incredible and you made me stop.

Why?

[sighs]

Well, you should figure that the fuck out.

Deuces.

Wait. Ive! Please don't be mad. Where are you going?

Somewhere I can relax and think.

Oh, if that means you're going to Mor-4-Lex, we're out of toilet paper.

-Fine. -And make sure you get three--

Three ply. I know. You've got a bougie butt.

[theme music playing]

[people cheering]

No, oh, no, no, no. Please don't. Do not thank me.

[cheering continues]

[woman] Thank you, Harley Quinn!

-[man] Harley, thank you! -You saved us from Ivy!

No, please. Oh, God, no. Don't--

-Thank you, Harley. You saved us. -[baby coos]

No, no... please. No.

Uh, can we get some applause?

Because there is a hero in the house.

-Please shut up. -Why? It's true.

You basically sacrificed yourself to stop Ivy and save humanity.

Why did I do that? I don't want to stop Ivy.

I want to support her.

But I also don't want everyone in Gotham to die.

Ooh. Sounds like you need to talk.

Want to crush some canned cider and unpack all this?

There's nothing to unpack.

Hey, so, I'm gonna need a Batman to sign for this.

Oh, a man?

So a Batgirl couldn't be competent enough--

His name is on the registration.

-[Batgirl] Yerp. -Yeesh.

I gotta say,

I like this new swagger on you.

You've got a certain je ne sais quoi.

Now, I'll put money on it.

In the next 24 hours,

no less than three people are going to randomly compliment you.

You're looking that good.

Well, I'm not feeling that good. [sighs]

I mean, things are weird with Harley, and my plan failed.

-Again. -You're looking at this all wrong.

Ruining Jazzapajizza is some hard core supervillain shit.

Fuck you, Ivy!

Whoa! You were tapped into The Green.

No one could stop you. You had to stop yourself.

Now, that's real power.

When a villain got to stop her own villainoire self!

I mean, it was pretty [blows] pretty bad ass, I guess.

[man over tv] A Hard Wayne's Gonna Fall.

-Directed by James Gunn. In theaters-- -[tv flickers]

-[screams] -Apologies for the abrupt pop in.

-Ivy, did you change your hair? -That's one.

I saw what you did at Jazzapajiz--

-Yeah, I'm not saying that. -[coughs]

Suffice it to say, the scale of potential devastation

was enough to make even me soil my boxer briefs.

And you don't shit your pants for anything.

That is correct.

Well, was.

Yeah, thanks.

Now, if you'll excuse me, they're putting out scallion pancake samples.

[grunts] Huh?

I'll cut to the chase.

I'm looking to rebuild the Legion of Doom in Gotham.

[Poison Ivy] Hey, Lex. How many times are we going to do this, bud?

'Cause I don't want to be in the Legion of Doom.

I know. I want you to run it.

-I'm sorry, what? -[gasps]

You're a threat.

And, frankly, I trust the threat I pay more than the threat I don't.

Well, I'm not interested in being some puppet figurehead

for your corporate tax shelter.

Plus, you'd never agree to my terms.

Try me.

Well, first off, I'd need to be paid an obscene amount of money.

Of course.

Get that paper.

-Hey, I really missed you. -I know.

And I'd uh, I'd need to be in complete control.

So I run things.

I get to do whatever I want without needing approval from anyone, including you.

The Legion of Doom will be yours.

Think about it, Ivy.

You got so close to permanently changing Gotham,

and all you had was a tiny lab and some test tubes.

Imagine what you could do with my vast resources at your disposal.

You'd be unstoppable.

I don't want to have to babysit Bane.

We'll move him to our Tempe office.

Well, shit.

So, are you done reburying my dead zombie parents, Alfred?

Indeed, Sir. Ooh.

Perhaps I went a little overboard.

I'd venture to say you did, Sir.

My loneliness and despair got the best of me.

The edges of reality started to blur for a minute there.

I think it's time I take off my obsidian-colored glasses.

Stop letting the specter of my dead parents haunt me.

[engine roaring]

Of course everywhere I turn, I'm reminded of this movie.

Well, I hesitate to bring this up, sir,

but the producer sent tickets to the premiere tomorrow.

-I'll return them at once. -Hold up, hold up.

If I want to stop being tortured by this movie,

I should confront my demons head on at the premiere.

No worries.

I shall clean up at once to accompany you through this trying--

Oh, sorry. [chuckles]

I've already asked someone else, so.

[clears throat] Anyway. [yawns]

Yeah, I'm probably gonna get dressed.

I... I'll do it myself.

[groans]

[groans] Why am I ugly in everything?

[sobs] I'm so-- Forgive me.

It appears my nerves are tender on this premiere's eve.

Well, calm down.

You're just having a diva moment.

But the cool thing is, this premiere is all about BBT's big day.

So the pressure's off of you. [chuckles]

No one, not a single soul will know it was you

acting like Billy Bob acting like Thomas Wayne. [laughs]

No one will know?

[cats meow]

Ooh, did you just get a facial?

Uh, that's two.

Hey, Harley. We need to, uh, we gotta talk.

I know, Ive. I am still so sorry.

Me first, me first. So.

Lex Luthor wants me to run the new Legion of Doom.

Ha! I wish I could have been there when you told him to fuck off.

Uh, you couldn't, because I didn't.

Um, what?

It's a great opportunity for me, creatively.

Totally! Yeah, no. Who cares that he's an amoral piece of shit.

I mean, you are doing the dang thing,

looking all good in the neighborhood.

-[cat meows] -It's all right.

I, I didn't expect you to be okay with me doing it.

What? Are you kidding me? I am so okay with you doing it.

So okay that we're doing it.

I... I don't, I don't know, Harls. I...

Look, okay. I know I took a dump on your passion project,

but it won't happen again. Please, please let me prove it.

-I... I just-- I'm not sure we're on the same page. -Listen.

I am down to do whatever you need me to do to make your dreams come true.

No questions asked. I am your ride or die.

Are you sure?

Because in order to close with Lex,

I'm killing the Mayor at the premiere tomorrow.

Totally. Wait.

Like Joker, the Mayor?

Yeah, I mean, Lex has beef with his new evil lair tax. [sighs]

Is that gonna be a problem or...?

Ha, let's kill the fucking joker. Oh! I love that for us.

Whoo!

-Oh, okay. -Shit.

No, honey, you know what?

That's okay. There's, like, an entire palette of champagne in the car.

-Sadly, no. I simply cannot shake the feeling -[tires screech]

that after all the work I've put in,

in the end, all the spoils will go to one William Robert Thornton.

But isn't that every actor's dream?

To disappear into a role so no one knows it's you?

I will let you in on a secret not many outside of the acting world know.

All thespians are vain.

[gasps] What?

To a wild night.

[burps loudly]

[sneezes]

Goddamn it!

It's show time.

[screaming, cheering]

[indistinct shouting]

[male reporter] How's Angelina?

[indistinct chatter, laughter]

-[footsteps approaching] -[sighs]

Huh?

Selina? You're looking, uh...

stunning. I'm surprised you came.

Ditto.

How are you?

Oh, fantastic.

Zero zombie-related drama on my end, that's, that's for sure.

Happy to hear it.

I assumed this entire event would be triggering, to say the least.

Wait, are you here to support me?

Even though we're not dating and I find you sad,

it doesn't mean I don't want to see you happy.

Ex... excuse me.

Probably an appetizer got in my eye.

[laughs]

Great tie, Clock King.

Nora and Swamp Thing are an item. I love that.

Cheryl, I see you double fisting.

[laughs] Like Joker do.

[laughs] Oh, yes.

Apparently, I'm sitting at ZZZ69.

which, if I'm keeping it 100, doesn't sound like a mayoral place to sit.

Mmm.

[groans]

-[studio intro music plays] -[grunts]

[applause]

This can't be right.

[grunts]

Cancel my drinks with the mayor, Alfred.

Tell him I'm taking my wife and my adorable son to the movies.

Oh, right.

Tell Martha to wear those pearls I bought her.

To symbolize how our love can survive anything, even bullets.

Ugh! Two and a half hours of this?

-A little indulgent, if you ask me. -[Joker groans]

What the hell is going on?

Oh, I'll tell you what's going on.

You're a super villain and you're going to explain your plan?

Hey, hey! Don't interrupt bae when she's oratin'.

What I would give to see you wearing a headset mic.

When the credits roll, Harley and I are going to kill you

and announce that we're running a new Legion of Doom right here in Gotham.

Wait, is Lex putting you up to this because of the evil lair tax?

It's half a percent for Christ's sakes!

And it all goes towards making Gotham College free.

Good idea.

You know, the barrier to higher education

is one of the biggest causes of income inequality.

Hey, Harley, can we just, like, focus?

Oh, shit. Ugh. Must've left my bat in the limo.

Okay, I'm gonna pop out, I'm gonna grab it,

I will be back in a jiff to commence skull-crushing,

and, you know, things of that nature.

[grunts]

[sighs]

You know, I've never known Harley to be a sloppy ropeswoman.

She's tied up hundreds of people for me.

Normally goes for a sheet bend or a taut-line hitch,

but she used a bowline this time,

which, of course, is the easiest knot to untie.

I'm very active with Benecio's scout troop.

So you become mayor and suddenly you're, like, a totally different person?

I'm both a maniacal force of nature,

and I want free universal health care.

People can be more than just one thing.

They grow and evolve.

Take Harley, for instance.

Is it just me, or does she seem a little different?

Seriously, dude?

I'm not gonna do that thing where we commiserate over the person we both dated.

Of course, of course.

Tell me this.

Does she still put one giant cardboard box

in the recycling bin so that nothing else can fit?

Oh, my God, yes, she does do that.

But it's, it's just, it's like, what's so hard about breaking down a box?

You know what I mean? [chuckles]

Just hit it with your fucking bat.

-[sighs] -[grunts]

Hmm.

Okay. What is wrong with you?

I mean, I know there is a lot going on in that little brain,

but what is wrong right now?

I shouldn't have come tonight.

Okay, bro, calm down.

All right? Let's try one of those exercises like last time.

-All right, close your eyes. -[breathing deeply]

Deep breath in.

Be in your body.

I know what you've been through and I know that you are strong.

I was in your head, remember?

You know my secret.

Did you tell anyone?

Okay. I'm only gonna say this once,

so pay attention.

Gotham needs Batman and I get that now.

So your little secret is safe with me.

That, and like, doctor-patient confidentiality, that whole thing

[sighs in relief]

Thank you.

How did Ivy take it when she found out you're not a villain anymore?

Who said I'm not?

Come on. Seriously?

We're still doing this after you stopped her plan and saved the city?

I used to think you were just an agent of chaos.

But now I see.

-You-- -Uh, no!

That is exactly who I am!

[grunts]

-God bless you, Harley Quinn. -Eat shit, loser!

Oh.

Oh, my God, has she always been OCD about toilet paper?

It's like nothing scares her more than the idea of running out.

-Am I right? -Oh, good times.

You know what I really loved about her though?

The way she went along with whatever plan I asked her to do,

even when I knew she hated the idea.

Well, you know, add that to the shit pile of reasons

you were a toxic partner and a total narcissist.

Oh, just me?

What are you even talking about?

What Harley and I have is 100% different.

We are equals.

I'd never ask her to compromise herself like you did.

Well, maybe not on purpose.

I'm sorry. What are you implying right now?

Yesterday she's stopping your big plan,

but today she's ready to go hard-boiled, running the Legion of Doom?

I mean, I'm no therapist,

but clearly Harley's having second thoughts about whatever you're doing here.

And that was a lapse in judgment, and it won't be repeated.

Harley's into what we're doing here.

I didn't want to bring out the big guns, but...

When did you ever see Harley forget her bat?

Oh, fuck.

Let's kill the bozo!

People don't need to see another version of the Wayne Murders.

This shit's like the Titanic, baby.

-We know how it ends. -Hey.

You really want to do this, Harley?

Of course!

I do.

[Thomas grunts]

[both grunting]

Has Martha uttered a word yet?

That CGI moustache cost $12 million.

[gunshot]

[sighs]

[gunshot]

[groans, grunts]

My big monologue! Hold my hand.

Remember the horse and the sparrow, son.

[groans] "If you feed the horse enough oats,

some will pass through to the road for the sparrows to eat and prosper."

You are proof that anything is possible if you're born into...

[coughs]

generational wealth.

Let my death...

define your entire life.

[groaning]

[sniffles]

I fought for that line.

Get out of the way so I can bash the mayor's head in.

Hey, I have no problem with you killing Joker right now,

but not if you're only doing it because it's what I want.

Can we hurry this up?

[scoffs] Would you listen to this dick?

Why wouldn't I want to kill him?

You did stop my plan to terraform Gotham.

Because of the zombies and the barf.

You're friends with Batgirl.

Uh, friendly, not friends. No.

And... [sighs] I hate saying this,

but, you know, you've been reluctant

to kill people in a way that is,

frankly, it's concerning to me.

Oh, I'll show you reluctant.

[both grunting]

Harley. Face it.

You've...

[breathes heavily]

You've evolved.

You want to help people.

You're not a villain anymore.

That is not true!

Why won't you just admit it?

Because I don't want to lose you.

Do you really think that you would lose me?

If we don't want the same thing,

what does that mean for us?

Look, if running the Legion of Doom with me isn't for you,

that's-- it's okay.

I don't want you to compromise yourself.

I mean, we're equals in this relationship,

and that's why it's so great.

We can fully have different passions.

I mean, if I didn't leave you during your craft beer phase,

I'm not leaving you now.

Yeah, no. I could not pull off those cargo shorts. [scoffs]

Look, as long as you're honest with me,

I will support whatever you want to do.

But... what if I don't know exactly what that is?

Like...

Look, I, I know I don't want to kill Joker,

and I... I don't want to do a big, evil plan, but,

do I want to help people? I-- Maybe. I don't know.

I just-- I haven't really let myself think about it.

People are saying I'm not a villain anymore,

which is fine, like, whatever. Labels are lame.

But I-- I'm not ready to identify as the other thing.

You know what? We're going to figure it out together. Right?

BFFGFFs?

That's us, right?

Right.

-[Harley chuckles] -Beautiful stuff.

What time is it?

Where the fuck do you need to be?

-[applause] -[crowd chanting] Billy Bob! Billy Bob!

Billy Bob! Billy Bob!

They should be chanting my name.

Play it cool, baby.

You've made it this far. Accept the applause.

Give a faux-humble bow, and sit your ass down.

[grunting]

-[applause continues] -[man whistles]

Oh, no.

It is not Billy Bob whose performance has moved you all this evening.

It is I, Clayface,

the true star behind Thomas Wayne.

Billy Bob is a shape shifter? That's how he does it.

No, I'm not Billy Bob!

He doesn't deserve your applause.

I do!

Billy Bob is dead!

-Dead because of me! -Look, buddy.

They're just not listening.

Congrats to Billy Bob Thornton on a spectacular performance.

This movie reminds us that billionaires like Bruce Wayne know no shame.

The real drain on the city is the 1%.

But today we come one step closer to ending

the appalling wealth disparity in Gotham.

Send in the clowns!

[engine revving]

Oh. Uh.

This is a sting operation.

Public humiliation has a long history in the annals of justice.

So we lured you into our trap.

And now we're busting you for tax evasion.

Ladies and gentlemen, and non-binary friends,

this is for you. [laughing maniacally]

And for me.

"Bruce Wayne, you are under arrest for intentional omission.

manipulation, and alteration of accounting records."

He's also guilty of being a thief and a bitch.

Wow! Huba-hub. What's with the glow up, Ivy?

And that's three.

You're goddamn right it is.

I need a fucking drink!

Let's go get blackout on bulk champagne.

[Harley] Deep breaths.

You will be okay.

I know... I think?

Maybe this is a good thing.

I have all this trauma I've been carrying around.

If I can finally go deal with it,

I can get back to the life I want.

Helping people and protecting Gotham.

It's exciting. And scary.

It is both of those things.

Hey, not to add to your trauma, but I think Selina stole your mom's pearls.

Oh, come on.

I'll be available for lame zoom sessions if you need me.

[indistinct shouting]

Excuse me. Coming through. Pardon me.

Can you give us a minute, Carl?

Blackgate Penitentiary is 30 clicks off the port of Gotham.

I'll have Nightwing gas up the BatBoat--

Don't bother. I intend to serve my time.

The people of the city have to know there are consequences,

even for me.

While I'm gone,

I need you to step up,

lead the Bat-Family, and protect Gotham.

We can't do that without Batman.

Of course you can.

You've already done it.

You stopped the Mad Hatter.

You helped stop the zombies when I was...

[sighs] indisposed.

Gotham is in good hands.

Huh?

Mmm.

Oh, so there were some hiccups tonight.

But if it helps, you win my best actor award.

A hug.

It doesn't.

So, okay, that's, so that's what you've decided.

It is. [sighs]

I was alone for so long, carrying around all this trauma.

But then I met you and I fell in love, which helped me get past it.

I'm finally in a place where I can actually think about what I want.

It's exciting.

And scary.

I'm proud of you.

So, is Lex gonna be pissed you didn't kill Joker?

Oh, he'll probably want me even more now...

Mmm. God knows I do.

[both moan]

[Harley chuckles]

[Harley] Hey, assholes!

Uh.

Harley? What are you doing here?

Yeah, with Batty in the clink, I thought you silly rodents might need a little help. Hmm.

Don't worry, Nightwing.

You still have the best looking ass out of all of us.

Mmm, let's give her a chance.

You ready?

Uh, like in general, or is there something specific we need to do?

-Welcome to the fam, Harley! -[both grunting]

Whoa!

Thanks for waiting, you fucking dildos!

I'll take the stairs.

[theme music playing]