Original subtitles

[Tawny] Today on Tawny.

Ratcatcher has spent most of his life in the sewers catching rats.

But the last thing he expected to catch there was feelings.

Our exclusive interview with Gotham's

controversial couple right after this break.

Wait, is he screwin' a rat?

Sick!

[Frank] No!

Let me out!

[screams] Ah! Frank!

Are you okay? Maybe you should chill

on going that deep into the Green.

You know, Swamp Thing did say it's gonna take some time

for your body to get used to it.

I gotta assume, at some point, your boobs will stop sweatin'.

I don't care how sick I get.

I have to find out where Frank is.

Bruce Wayne's got him.

He... It's just too dark to see where he is.

I mean, it's like all that money

and he can't buy a light bulb, for Christ's sake.

If only we knew someone

who could help us draw him out.

Don't look at me.

We broke up.

Bruce is so clingy.

Even for an eccentric billionaire, he's got baggage.

Workaholic, obsessed with clean eating,

and, you know, those major abandonment issues

from seeing his parents murdered as a child.

Well, congrats on freeing yourself

from the chains of hetero hell.

But can't you just pretend you want to see him?

You know, maybe lure him over here and we'll handle the rest?

No. When I break up with someone, I cut them off completely.

[sighs] He's determined to get me back.

Won't stop sending me gifts, flowers,

this canary diamond encrusted tiara.

That is one sparkly meatball.

Oh, that looks incredible on you.

It's all right.

Mm. He wants me to wear it to a gala he's hosting tonight.

[Harley] It's a clunky name.

Did your RSVP?

I'm not going anywhere near that mess.

Didn't you hear my whole no-communication thing?

-Yeah, Harls, pay attention. -Okay.

My point is, if Bruce thinks there's a chance you might come,

he will definitely be there.

True, he is desperate to see me.

[doorbell rings]

Ugh. That better not be more flowers.

Okay. We're gonna go to that gala,

grab Bruce, and we're going to torture him

until he tells us where Frank is.

[groaning]

No-- Yeah, it's happening.

-[vomits] -Or, I have an idea.

You'll stay here, rest, read some mags,

hydrate, get your strength back up to torture levels.

And I will go kidnap Bruce Wayne.

[giggles]

[theme music playing]

[Bruce grumbles]

-So, I know it's been a tough week. -Mm.

Respectfully, Selina's being a total B.

Appreciate the solidarity, but don't talk about her like that.

You know what always makes me feel better?

A hug.

But that's not really our thing,

so, how about focusing on work?

Are you looking at Selina's Waynestagram stories?

She can tell If you are.

She can? I mean, I'm not.

Obviously.

If no one else has any new leads,

I'd like to discuss

the CowNews BoyBoy Hat.

By now, I'm sure you've seen the ads.

According to my source at the docks,

there's a shipment coming in tonight.

I'm thinking we intercept it

and see what's really going on with these hats.

A new hat fad doesn't equal criminal activity.

Lots of people wear hats.

Am I a criminal?

No, but you look like you're ready to steal some kisses.

No? All right.

They're not just hats.

They've got a smart device that can read your mind

and become your own personal assistant.

-Cool. -That doesn't sound fishy to you?

Hats and neurotech?

That can only be the work of one man.

-Mad Hatter. -Mad Hatter.

Impossible. I ran Mad Hatter out of town years ago.

You're making connections that just aren't there.

Now, if that's all, I have a gala to get to.

Selina, it's Bruce.

Uh, Bruce Wayne, your boyfriend.

Ex-boyfriend, lover.

Hey, is this a two rolls of duct tape kidnapping?

Harley, honey, I don't want you to go alone, okay?

I'll be fine. Yes, each time I go into the Green,

it feels like every one of my cells is being ripped apart,

but maybe this tea will help.

It's lemon ginger.

Oh, King Shark will come with me.

What do you say, buddy?

You up for a classic Shark-Ley adventure?

Kidnap a sad billionaire? Huh? Huh?

Rain check.

I have to return home due to the death of my father.

-Sorry, dude. -Fucking fuck.

Thank you. This is actually a relief.

He was a terrible shark and an even worse man.

Oh, so... Congrats?

Not quite there yet.

The good news is I get to see my little brother, Prince Shark.

I mean, we're pretty tight.

He's the brother I didn't eat.

So, does this mean you're like an actual king now?

No, Prince will be King

once I officially pass on the position at the funeral.

We have confusing traditions under the sea.

No worries, I'll just go with...

[gasps] Clayface!

Oh, ho, ho!

Clayface would love to, but...

[singsong] Billy Bob Thornton

is manning the dunk tank

at the glorious St. Louis Professional Baseballer's Charity Circus.

Go, team! I'll look up the name on the way...

Well, I should get going, too.

Have fun storming the castle, Harley!

[sighs] Okay, screw it, I'm going with you.

I'm gonna... Oh, wow. [sighs wearily]

Okay, no more going into the Green for now.

You've gotta rest. I got this, NBD.

Okay, Bruce Wayne is just some dude, okay?

It's not like he's Superman or something.

I know, it's just... It's been a while

since you've done a job alone.

She's trying to say that you're extremely codependent.

-[cell phone dinging] -For the love of nuts,

-who is texting you? -Ugh.

It's that nerd, Batgirl.

Since the escape room, I've thrown her a couple LOLs

but she just keeps texting.

Babe, you don't have to be defensive.

It's sweet, you like to take in strays.

Listen, I'm locked and loaded, baby.

I got rope, double duct tape, binoculars, glass cutter,

person cutter and a granola bar in case I get peckish.

Now, call me if there are any problems. Swearsies?

When has anything I've attempted to do gone wrong?

But... You're sick, you save your energy.

Listen, while I'm gone, you take care of Ivy.

That means you sit with her, you stream that lubed-up dildo

disguised as a TV show, Bridgerton,

or whatever people are horny for these days,

and make sure she wants for nothing.

And why would I do that?

Because if you don't, when I kidnap Bruce, I'm gonna tell him

you've been saying his name in your sleep.

[sighs] Be quick, will you?

And try not to make a spectacle.

I don't need the hotel tightening up security.

It's one of my favorite places to steal from.

It's where I got my Picasso.

-[indistinct chatter] -[man] Hey, Bruce! Bruce!

Hey. Where's Selina tonight, huh?

Has she arrived yet?

[Harley] Hi-yah! Come here, you little old--

-[crashing] -[screaming]

[breathing heavily]

Still takes her vitamins.

[exhales]

[organ music playing]

[low chatter, sobbing]

[door opens]

[bawling]

Where are all the octopuses and finned aquatic dignitaries?

Shark ceremony only.

It was in Dad's will.

You know how he was.

A snob to the bitter end.

Your father was a great shark.

-So kind of you to say. -Wasn't he?

Hey. That "great shark" had relations with his wife.

And his sister.

[giggles]

Dad looks good on you, by the way.

Thanks, man. That means a lot.

We're gathered here today

to coronate your new king

and celebrate the legacy of King Daddy,

who most famously saved us from our arch enemies,

the sinful Atlanteans.

If they only knew, during that battle,

Dad was turnt up on bunk abalone venom.

I'm glad you're here.

Me too.

Now, King Daddy's firstborn son, Nanaue,

and his brother Kamea

will join me at the altar

for the official passing of duty.

Your father's royal scepter

is only to be touched by kings.

Whoo! Powerful.

I kinda like it.

Oh, I'm just kidding.

Ah, the Prince is become King.

[cheers and applause]

Are you sure you don't want to be king?

You are the oldest. It's your right.

No, you deserve this.

You stayed here and took care of the kingdom

and the family.

Even for Dad's diaper stuff.

[cheers and applause]

Yeah, man. Soon enough, the kingdom will be no more

and I'll be free of all this bullshit.

I am psyched.

Totally. Yeah.

I mean, wait. What?

[upbeat music playing]

[grunts]

-[crashes] -[harp glissandos]

Oh, damn. That was actually beautiful.

[beeps]

[Batgirl] Freeze, scumbag!

Oh. Hey, girl. 'Sup?

Harley? What the hell?

I thought you were just staying in tonight.

Eh. Changed my mind.

Are you stalking me?

Ugh, as if.

I'm working gala security.

Cool story. Outta my way.

Not unless you have an invite.

Ugh.

Ow.

God, you are so clingy.

I don't want to fight you.

Oh, you don't?

Of course not.

We're friends.

Ow.

[cell phone vibrating]

Hey, how's my prickly little pear feeling?

Do you miss me?

Did you take my tiara?

Screw your tiara. How's Ivy?

She's fine.

[meowing]

Ugh. Gotta go.

[shrieking]

So you do answer your phone.

Ow! Shit, that hurts.

Did I do something wrong?

I thought we were becoming friends.

-[Batgirl groans] -I have enough friends!

Oh, really? Let's see, there's Ivy... end of list!

Oh! So the kitty does have claws.

I knew you weren't as "I'm so innocent,

I follow the rules. I'm Gotham's hall monitor"

as you pretend to be.

[groans]

I don't sound like that, you stupid... clown!

-Oh! Good one. -[Batgirl grunts]

You know what? Maybe I do want people to like me,

but at least I'm honest about who I am.

You want a merit badge for admittin' you're a fuckin' dork?

-[elevator dings] -[breathing heavily]

Maybe take the next one.

[both grunting]

-[elevator dings] -[grunts]

Can you please get the next-- What the...

[Harley and Batgirl groan] Ugh!

[peaceful music playing]

I miss these heart-to-hearts.

Yeah, me too.

Hey, while we're chatting, sipping 'gria,

can we circle back to that thing you said

about "the kingdom will be no more?"

Oh, yeah, that. I mean, I'm selling it.

An offer came in. The numbers are right.

Gonna cash out.

Focus on me for a change.

Ah, maybe do some print modeling work.

Well, who's the buyer?

Would you believe it's Ocean Master?

[chuckling] Isn't that a trip?

Look, I know I'm coming to this late,

so no disrespect, but Ocean Master is,

like, a longstanding enemy

who famously hates the shark kingdom.

Well, his money spends as good

as the next guy-slash-fish- slash-bivalve. [chuckles]

Did you run this by anyone?

Nope. That's the great thing about being a king,

I don't have to answer to no one.

He's going to develop an outlet mall

and a multiplex theater, food court.

Hey, what's "fast casual?"

'Cause he said that a lot.

Have you considered

maybe not selling our ancestral homeland?

"Our"? Oh, oh, that's rich.

Now Dad's dead,

you show up swinging your double dick around

like you have a say.

You chose to go live on land

and I was stuck here to deal with Dad.

I had to be the good son, the one who followed the rules,

the one dealing with those diapers, ugh!

[choking up] And you know we all just shit in the water.

So if you got to wear a diaper down here,

you know things are messed up.

You're right. I should have been here to help more.

Yeah, well, you weren't.

But now it's my time to be selfish.

And if you have a problem,

why don't you do what you're good at and leave?

[Harley] Where are we?

Oh, God! Is this immersive theater? Ugh!

We demand to know who you're working for!

The name's Tetch. Jervis Tetch.

More lamely known as the Mad Hatter.

Well, I didn't take you for a "mad hater,"

considering how much you've been snooping around my shipments.

You won't get away with this.

It's only a matter of time until people know the truth about your hats.

Wait, so you're the guy behind those weird hats?

They aren't "weird hats"!

You see, there's a reason for the unconventional design.

The newsboy brim

focuses the mind control of the frontal lobe,

while the cowboy crown provides ample room

for the processor and transmitter.

And soon, I will have an army of puppets!

-[laughs maniacally] -[Batgirl groans]

You fooled around with my plans,

and now I'm going to fool around with you! [chuckles]

Ugh! Great! Like we need another run-of-the-mill perv in Gotham.

I'm not a perv.

I... I torture and murder.

Nothing gross. Is it the hat?

It's the hat, isn't it?

Ew!

Oh, okay, so now you have a problem

with my incredibly long pinky nail.

Look, I don't have time to list all the reasons why you're pervy.

So I'll leave ya to your business

and just be on my merry way.

What you two aren't together?

Us? She wishes. She screwed up my plans too.

Oh, well, now, you seemed like friends.

Nope. Nope. Nope.

I am not like her!

I am like you. In the... In the broadest of senses.

I am Harley Quinn.

The Harley Quinn?

Get the heck out of here!

I should have recognized that beautiful hair.

[inhales deeply]

Okay, it wasn't pervy,

but I could see how it would seem pervy.

Rabbits, rabbits, untie this one.

'Kay. Cool. Great.

Harley!

You're just gonna, like, mind control her for a bit, right?

Have her do your evil bidding or something?

I was actually thinking more along the lines

of Chapter 6 of Through the Looking Glass.

-That's the one where-- -[shushing] I haven't seen the movie yet.

Uh, just text me later?

Huh?

[Mad Hatter giggles]

[beeps]

-[Mad Hatter cackling] -[Batgirl screams]

Guilt makes you look very old.

I look great, and I am in a hurry, okay?

I have to kidnap Bruce Wayne.

For our girlfriend.

It doesn't matter how many times you push it,

it won't go any faster.

Ugh! Leave it to Batgirl to make a simple kidnappin'

so much harder than it needs to be!

So does she deserve to be tortured

by a creepy asshole like Jervis?

Yes!

Maybe? Ugh. I don't know.

And who names their kid Jervis anyway?

-Right? -Jervis.

Jervis.

Would it be so bad to help Batgirl out?

[groans] She's a member of the Bat Family.

Hello? I shouldn't have to explain this to you!

All right, jeez. All I'm saying is it would be a lot easier

if she had a friend there to help her.

I am not her friend!

Who are you trying to convince?

[sighs] I should go back there, huh?

I'm not telling you what to do.

I am simply talking it through with you.

Helping you track your feelings.

You know, this is why people hate therapy.

[Ocean Master] Let's get this show on the road.

Just sign pages two, three and nine.

The lawyers will do the rest.

Limited edish. Feather-bound tip.

-[sparkles] -Platinum-embossed barrel.

She drives real nice.

Damn!

I might have to get myself one of these after this deal.

[laughs] I like where your head's at.

God. The hell? Should I call security?

No, it's just my dumbass brother.

[chuckles] I get it. My brother's a dick too.

-It's Aquaman. -Yeah, I know.

Total dick.

-[King Shark roaring] -There's a door, like, three feet away from you.

Why are you always so dramatic?

You can't sell!

This kingdom has been our family home

for thousands of years.

Oh, wait, hold on a minute. We talkin' shark years or human years?

Hah! Just doing the math.

Sure, the kingdom has drawbacks,

but think about the good times.

Think about all the hijinks, the games,

the blood-crazed feeding frenzies.

We'll always have those memories.

Sharks don't get Alzheimer's, baby!

I mean, that's actually the only thing they got right in Deep Blue Sea.

I don't get why they deviated so much from the novel.

Wait, stop. I know what you're doing

and it won't work.

I am selling and I'm moving up-current.

Now, fuck off back to land.

Now, I can't let this sale go through.

And how do you plan to stop it?

I just need your signature,

and one initial here before--

[both shouting menacingly]

[inhales] This evening's entertainment!

Each of you has a cup filled with tea,

but some of you, or maybe all of you,

have a spoonful of cyanide.

I'll give the pot a spin

and whomever the spout lands on must drink.

[slurps tea, clears throat]

[rabbit] No, that's good.

Yeah, for a moment there I thought you were gonna kill me

because, you know, that's what you do.

But, yeah, this is regular tea.

I mean, you know, got a bit of a kick to it, but, uh...

[gasps] Oh, God! That burns so bad... [sizzling]

-"Earl Grey," she said. -[rabbit choking and gasping]

She said, "Earl Grey will make you dead."

[villains cackle]

-This is going to be fun, don't you think? -[Batgirl wails]

[shushes] This isn't creepy.

My mom used to do this to me

all the time while I was tied up.

[Mad Hatter exclaims]

Round and round, I spin the wheel.

When it stops, what pain you'll feel.

Your turn. Drink up.

No way! I'm not one of your goons.

You can't make me do anything.

Are you sure? [snaps fingers]

[grunting]

[groans]

Ouch!

Hey, hat humper... We're not done!

Well, well, well. Tea for two!

Take her down! Kill the clown!

And bring me their heads!

[both shouting]

[rabbits groaning]

[grunting]

[dishware breaking]

Harley, please!

Where is the honor amongst villains?

Hey, don't look at me.

Look at her.

[Mad Hatter groaning in pain]

Why are you smiling?

You were seconds away from being puppeted

by a leprechaun in a funky hat.

I knew you'd come back.

You may not be a bona fide hero,

but you're not as ruthless as you think.

[Mad Hatter whimpering]

-You were sayin'? -Yeesh.

Did you really just kill him to contradict me?

I like killing assholes. Don't read into it.

Whatever you say... friend.

[sighs] We are in the area of friendship.

We're not making bracelets yet.

We're not!

Oh, and FYI, when someone texts LOL period,

the conversation is over!

Got it. Where you goin'? Off to do another good deed?

LOL period!

[ballroom music playing]

Ugh!

[singsong] Bruce! Oh, Bruce.

Selena!

Hiya, Brucey!

[grunts]

[Bruce groans]

Ah! I knew it was two-roll job.

[shouting, blows landing]

[grunting]

[screaming] Ow! Oh!

[both shouting]

[both screaming]

[Ocean Master exclaiming] Whoa!

[both grunting]

What are you gonna do, huh?

Eat me like you did our other brothers?

Oh, you know that was a mistake.

I suffer from hypoglycemic-induced blackouts!

All 13 times?

[exclaims] My beautiful helmet!

[Prince Shark growling]

You don't have to do this alone.

We could work this out, make our own rules.

Maybe figure out a system where we alternate duties,

you know, give us both time to pursue our passions.

There's a lot of great scheduling apps out there.

-[gasps] -[Prince Shark grunting]

[both grunting]

Oh, God, Jesus!

-[Prince Shark choking] -I don't want the helmet back.

[gasps]

I didn't want this.

So, did we leave room for dessert?

[drilling]

Shit, I just did this then minutes ago.

[Harley shouts]

Ah! Harls?

Who has two thumbs to break

and a full set of teeth to yank out...

This guy!

[muffled] Mommy, come back. I'll be a good boy.

Oh, shit. Okay, so there's that baggage you were talking about.

I cannot be here when he wakes up.

[theme music playing]