Original subtitles

Okay. I got the almond milk for Benecio.

[object clattering]

[thunderclap]

Ah!

[panting] Ah!

Always with the dead ends.

[gasps]

Why are you still chasing me?

I'm a different person now.

I haven't been in a dark alley in forever.

Come on, I'm a stay-at-home dad.

I mean, I'm not their "Dad."

I'm not trying to replace him.

Unless one day they asked me. [chuckles nervously]

I mean, that would mean the world to me.

[thunderclap]

[gasps and grunts]

You know, we missed you at the school bake sale.

All the parents took a vote.

Your lemon squares sucked and you're gonna die.

-[laughs maniacally] -[screams]

[panting]

[sighs in relief]

[speaks in Spanish] Que paso, corazon?

Did you have another Debbie nightmare?

[groans] Yes.

Aww... mi amor.

Did you have the chorizo dream?

No, she didn't try to cut off my penis,

and serve it at a book fair again.

But I haven't had a decent night's sleep in weeks.

Bethany... this Debbie may be my most challenging enemy yet.

♪ I used to think life was a tragedy ♪

♪ An agent of Chaos was all I could be ♪

♪ But I found a best friend who completes me ♪

♪ And now I realize life's a comedy ♪

♪ Wait 'til they get a load of us ♪

♪ No one will ask "Why so serious?" ♪

♪ All it takes is a joke a day ♪

♪ To keep the gloom away ♪

♪ We live in a society ♪

♪ But, baby, it feels like it's just you and me ♪

♪ I think you and I are destined to do this ♪

♪ Forever ♪

♪ Wait 'til they get a load of us ♪

-[Joker humming] -[laugh track playing]

Good morning, Janice.

How is the most beautiful school receptionist?

-Oh, you! -[laugh track plays]

Oops! Let me turn this off.

I was just sneaking my shows. [chuckles]

But who needs TV when you've got

Gotham City's most infamous criminal mastermind

turned sane bartender turned back into unhinged

but now equally charming psychopath.

[laughs] Janice, please.

I'm just plain ol' Benecio and Sophia's stepdad.

Speaking of, do you have the student list

for the new Spanish dual immersion program?

It's so important to us that our kids get a bilingual education.

Well, I'm not really supposed to show this list until next week.

-I don't know... -Mmm.

Oh, you know, I can't say no to you.

Here it is.

Ah...

-Morning! -[door bangs]

[murmuring]

The New Spanish dual immersion student list.

I think we're all very excited to see that

Madison and McKenna got in, am I right?

Am I right?

Your kids got in?

Now we're gonna know if the maids are talking about us

when we're on vacation in Cancun.

[laughs] And I can't help it if I have connections

on the election board.

Better luck next year,

or as my maid says, "escupo en tu comida."

[Two-Face] You've got to be kidding me.

You wasted $400 million on ads!

And another million on custom Pez?

-People love Pez. -No one loves Pez.

You don't need this stuff to win.

In the debates, you can just tell people directly

your plans for Gotham and what you stand for.

Also, I've been meaning to ask you.

What do you stand for?

Well, it's, um...

I... [murmuring]

Don't worry your pretty little heart.

I'll teach him how to trail off like a pro.

[laughs maniacally]

[smashing]

-Ha! -[Bethany groans]

Are you still upset about the dual immersion program?

Yes, it's so unfair!

This program would really help the kids embrace their heritage.

You know, one time, I picked Benecio up from soccer practice,

-and I heard some other kids mocking his name. -[sighs]

This program would offer him something

I can't give him. More self-confidence.

The opportunity to feel a sense of pride in his name.

A great boost on his transcript

for when he applies to early admission at Oberlin.

Always you with Oberlin.

Dinnertime!

[Gordon] Hey, mister, that's strike two.

You pop off like that again, we're gonna cross swords.

I'm all about changing Gotham for the better.

And if I'm lying, may God strike you down.

[gasps and groans]

[grunts]

You know the rules.

There's no TV during dinner.

I think we just saw someone die.

Sure did, buddy.

So, say we couldn't get into the dual immersion program.

What's another thing you guys are interested in, huh?

Uh, what about art or soccer?

It's never too early to get into kinesiology, Benecio.

Uh, can I just go by "Ben"?

I don't want to stand out in school.

That's it! Debbie is gonna get a tire iron straight into the--

Bethany, no, trust me.

I know how to deal with arch enemies.

I'm cooking up something extra special for Debbie.

[laughing maniacally]

[gasps]

Hey, Debbie.

Nice parking spot.

So, you're a VIP, huh?

Uh, yes, I am.

Because I have a very important job.

And I need a very important spot.

-What do you want? -Listen,

I just wanted to show

my appreciation for you, and all you do.

It's arroz con pollo from mi casa to su casa.

Mmm-hmm. And is that an ethnic dish, or...

It sure is "ethnic."

Speaking of racist,

I couldn't help but think

about the dual immersion program,

and how amazing it would be if you could pull some strings.

Oh, I see.

So you and your strong smelling dish

are trying to bribe me. Is that it?

Is that what you're trying to do? Bribe me?

Strong smelling? [sniffs]

No. [chuckles softly]

It's just that there are only 24 spots

in the program for all of Gotham's school district,

and I know you have friends on the committee.

Mmm. Oh, okay.

So, you're threatening me, then.

Didn't you use to blow things up?

[laughs loudly] Oh, no...

That was over a year ago?

That's the old me.

The only thing I'm blowing up here

is your waistline with my yummy dish.

Aw... I think it's so cute

that you're out here trying to do stuff for your kids.

It's a adorable.

I so wish I could help you, but it's just out of my hands,

and I guess it's out of your hands, too.

[chuckles nervously]

Whose hands would you say it's in?

Well, the city sets the budget,

so I'd take it up with them or the mayor.

Oh, but no, I guess he just died.

Oh, boo-hoo.

Well, I guess you're just gonna have to go down

to City Hall and file a complaint.

-[engine revs] -[tires squeal]

Oh, I'll file a fucking complaint.

Oh, my God, there were bones in this.

[rock music playing]

Whoo! We did it!

Dad! Congrats on being the only candidate

to not die tonight. But don't you think

it's a little premature to be celebrating?

Barbara, the opposition is dead.

Winning by default is a bigger victory

than I could have dreamed of.

Boo!

[sighs] Dad, you still haven't even figured out

your plan for Gotham.

Gordy, remember your trail off training?

I'm glad you asked that.

-I guess the... -Dad.

I know you love Gotham,

and there are tons of things that are important to you.

So just make that the plan.

What do you even believe in, Dad?

As Reagan once said,

uh...

[distant explosion]

-[people screaming] -[explosion]

The old Joker is back.

Get two cameras on him.

Where's the chopper cam?

[Joker] Attention, Gotham City.

I've had it with your shit.

I tried being a villain that didn't work.

I tried being a good stepdad.

that didn't work.

I tried meditation and then-- Actually,

that almost worked

until the app I was using started charging.

Yet the city remains a hateful asshole.

That's why things are going to change right now!

[all screaming]

[woman screaming]

He's pointing it at me!

-[trigger clicks] -[people shouting]

[shouting dies down]

I'm running for mayor!

-[laughs boisterously] -[fanfare playing]

Less than 24 hours ago,

Joker announced he was running for mayor.

Today, we are following Joker

and his goons to the Gotham Bank.

For what? We're not sure.

I'm Suave with Thrice TV.

Can you tell us what you're doing here today?

Some mayoral candidates take bribes from big money.

I'm skipping the bribe part, and just taking the money,

and giving it back to the citizens.

Here's your money shot!

Oh, wow. Ha!

Hey, what do you hope to accomplish as mayor of Gotham?

Well, to start,

education reform.

Every child should have the choice

to be in a dual immersion class and be bilingual.

I also want free universal health care.

Do you think Arkham would have a three-year wait list

if everyone had access to free mental health services?

And the rich one-percenters are gonna pay for it all.

Big changes are gonna happen.

[laughing maniacally]

-[gunshot] -[screams]

Damn it, Gary.

I said we're not doing the stupid

Reservoir Dogs thing.

You want the rich to pay for all this?

Are you like a socialist?

I'm not like a socialist.

I am a socialist.

And together, we're gonna fix this city.

-[grunts] -[gasps]

I'm sorry. I thought you were ready for that.

We locked eyes,

I-- You were looking right here. Wh--

This is our money! Our Gotham.

This, this has to be some sort of trap.

It's Joker, for crap's sake.

He's Batman's arch-enemy, and I'm Batman's best friend.

Hmm.

I just thought it should be said.

I just don't get it. Why do people love him?

Because he has good policies.

Jesus, you need to start wearing bangles or something

'cause I never know when you're in a room.

Joker's preaching policies

like free health care, free tuition.

Oh, God, is my own daughter some kind of Jo-Bro?

They prefer to be called "Sane Clown Posse,"

and I'm not a Jo-Bro.

What we need to do is fight dirtier than

we've ever fought before.

Do something truly diabolical.

No, I'm drawing a line.

Dad, I believe in you.

A mayor needs policies

and to be able to make decisions.

Well, I want you to make a decision right now.

Fire Two-Face as your campaign manager.

If you don't, I can't support you.

It's him or me. You got to choose.

Nepotism.

Oh, man! What is it with women in this family and ultimatums?

Dad, choose!

Babs, sweetie. Things aren't so black and white.

There's shades of gray, I don't have to choose

Two-Face or you, I can choose Two-Face, then you.

I'm so close to winning!

I've never said that before.

The ends will justify the means,

-I swear. -It's crazy.

She's so quiet, you can't even hear her walk.

Okay, when we talked to Joker's hostages,

-some of their comments were-- -Dad, can you--

Kids stop, they're talking about me again.

I wasn't gonna vote before.

But after hearing about his plans

for universal health care, I will now.

Also, he's kind of hot.

-[excited chatter] -Oh, moi?

Did you hear that, honey?

People think I'm hot.

Yeah, he's kind of hot in like a David--

Augh! But... David who? Spade? Tennant?

Cono. No TV at the dinner table.

This was your rule, remember?

You wanted us to talk like a family, remember?

Yes, yes, yeah.

Yes, yes.

So, does anyone else want to talk about their day?

Today, the teacher said that dinosaurs died out

because they didn't have religion.

That's exciting.

You want to know something else exciting.

My favorite toilet read, Vanity Fair called!

Radhika, the editor wants to feature me

in her series about political game-changers.

Me, a political game-changer.

Dad, you're still coming to my soccer game tomorrow, right?

What? Oh, the game! Oh!

I'm sorry, buddy. I can't.

I have the big campaign parade tomorrow.

I have to put my focus on the important stuff first,

then you guys.

Whoops, I mean, you guys are first,

always first. I'm doing all this

for you and the kids because you always come first.

Well, I'm done eating. Gotta go.

[people chanting] Joker! Joker!

Okay, boys.

-[gasps] -Let them have it.

[all cheering]

Change is happening!

-[laughing maniacally] -[Gunshot]

Damn it, Gary.

[all cheering]

-[phone vibrating] -[woman] I love you!

Two-Face, perfect timing.

You calling to concede?

[Two-Face] What? How'd you know it was me?

Um, we used to work together, like a lot.

[Two-Face] Oh, well, yeah, I'm just surprised you kept my number

after all we've been through, you know?

Did you, like, want something?

I'm about to give my speech.

[Two-Face] Oh, yeah. No, I just thought that you should know.

-I have your son. -What?

[Benecio] Dad, please come get me.

[Two-Face] If you ever want to see him alive again,

come to the abandoned amusement park alone.

And in case, I'm not being clear here,

I have kidnapped your son and I'm holding him hostage.

Yeah, I got that.

Sorry. I'm... I'm used to spelling things out for Gordo.

You probably don't need... anyways.

Uh, okay, bye.

[chanting] Joker! Joker!

[chanting] Joker! Joker!

[chanting stops]

I'm coming, Benecio!

[thunderclap]

[eerie music playing]

Okay, I'm here.

-Where's the bomb threat? -Bomb threat?

I never said anything on the phone about a bomb--

Whatever. You're here.

Yes, I am. Whoa! Hey, Two-Face, what is this?

It's Joker's step-son.

Once Joker sees we have his kid,

we can make him drop out of the race.

If he refuses, I press the start button on the coaster,

and Benny here is gonna find out

why this place shut down.

-[laughs] -What?

You kidnapped an innocent kid and are threatening murder?

Two-Face, crimes like these

are considered especially heinous.

-You have to let him go. -No fucking way.

We can't go back now because we're in too deep,

and I'm trying to keep up above in my head

instead of going under!

Instead of going under!

I'm sorry. Sum 41 was playing in the car on the way here.

[chuckles] I love that band.

But we're still doing this.

-I trusted you. -Why?

Why do you keep trusting me?

My name is Two-face.

I almost feel like you're trolling me.

Being Two-Faced is what I do.

It's pretty straightforward.

I kidnap kids. I poison mayors.

Poison... poison mayors?

Did you kill the mayor?

I had to take action because I'm trying to win you this race.

Do you think he died just because he was impaled by a pole?

He was taut for 62.

That guy had cum gutters.

I'm here. No, Beth, I'm sorry, but you can't come.

I promise I'll get Benny back safe.

Just get Sophia to your sister's house.

No, no, not your brother's place.

Because he smokes and Sophia has asthma.

That's why. Well, someone there smokes.

I know I smelled something.

Look, I got to go.

I love you. Bye.

Where the hell is Benecio?

Oh, hi. Yeah, I'm doing fine. Thank you for asking.

We can chitchat when you give me back my step-son.

Drop out of the race. and I'll let your kid go free.

If you refuse, I'll press this button,

-and Benecio is gonna take off... -[Benecio whimpering]

...on these broken tracks. [laughs wickedly]

Wow, Gordon, I didn't take you for a child murderer.

No shit.

I am Jim Gordon, and I do not approve this message.

You four-faced son of a bitch.

Okay, I'll drop out.

-You think I made a hard choice? -Dad!

Wrong.

I'm only running for mayor for my family,

and I'll quit for my family just as easily.

Wow, I didn't even stop drinking from my family.

Well, I did. But then I started drinking again,

but it wasn't as much.

I'm sorry. I've been a bit of a... well, of a douche.

-I love you. -Uh-huh.

-Let's go home. -I don't think so.

[lock clicks]

What do you think you're doing? You said you would let him go.

-Why would you lie? -Seriously?

You're making this really not fun for me.

"Two-Face" is my name.

And if Joker is still alive, he will always be a threat.

You will be mayor and I will be DA again.

So that's what this is all about.

You act like you care, but deep down, you're as dark as me.

I mean, look where we are.

Now, step back and let me take care of this.

-No! -[both screaming]

-[grunts] -[both screaming]

Shit! Shit! Gordon, do something!

Superman! Dad, we're saved!

Oh, no. It's just Gordon, keep screaming, son.

[screaming]

-Joker, grab my hand! -Yes.

[both grunting]

[screaming]

[chuckles nervously] Gordon!

Shit! Hold on!

[all screaming]

[both grunting]

-Benny. Benny! Oh! -[groans softly]

Thank God!

You're okay. Physically.

Mentally, this is messed up.

Gordon, no! Don't kill him.

I have to. He's done too much.

Look, no one wants to kill Two-Face more than me,

[chuckles] But killing him won't solve the problem.

It'll just make things worse. That's not what you do.

You're Commissioner Gordon, remember?

You make things better.

My God, you're right. Whoa! You really have changed.

You're the kind of step-dad I wish I could be for my own biological daughter.

I just want to be someone my family can be proud of.

I already am proud of you, Dad.

You called me "Dad"?

I've been calling you "Dad."

I called you "Dad" like, three times on the roller coaster.

Not that it'll make much of a difference for you,

but I'm gonna drop out of the race.

You should be mayor.

Really? You mean it?

Yes.

Congratulations, Mr. Mayor.

Gordon, I don't know what to say.

Thank you.

Yeah, it's pretty wild, but it's for a brighter future.

Being Commissioner ain't so bad.

I look forward to working for you.

No, no, no, no, no.

My first act as mayor is dismantling the police department.

You're out of a job. [chuckles]

Sorry. Let's go, Benecio.

Should've killed me when you had the chance.

[vehicle approaching]

Ahh! Watch the faces.

All right, I dropped Sophia off.

Now let me at him. He's gonna be a "No-Face" when I'm done with him.

Oh, good. Your mother found us.

Ooh! And it's Tuesday. Let's get tacos!

David Boreanaz!

I bet that's the David that she said I look like.

Barbara, I'm sorry. I choose you.

From now on, it's always you.

[voice-over] There's a new dawn on Gotham City.

There's no limit to what we do.

Like Miss Walter do.

-Like I do. -Like I do.

Like we do!

[speaking Spanish] Como yo lo hago.

Like we all do!

[people cheering]

I am your mayor, and I approved this message.

[chanting] Joker! Joker!

-[chanting] Joker! Joker! -[all cheering]

Ah, I'm so glad we're home. [sighs]

Wait. What the... [gasps]

We were gone for four days.

[groans]

Morning!

You're in my spot.

Correction.

I'm your nightmare now, bitch.

[laughing maniacally]

[theme music playing]