Original subtitles

[cat meowing]

Listen, I just can't thank you enough for letting us stay here, Selina.

Please, it's no trouble at all. The guy I'm seeing has got this whole wing of a mansion

that's pretty much mine now, so I'm barely home.

I mean, I was gonna pay someone to feed my cats, but now I don't have to.

Great. And you know, I know we're just guests, so I promise we will respect your stuff.

What do you think this is? Ahh!

-[grunts] -[glass breaking]

And I guess we'll never know.

[gasps] Rembrandt's "The Storm on the Sea of Galilee."

Degas's "Program for the Artistic Soirée 1 and 2."

Dear Lord! I believe I've solved the Isabella Stewart Gardner heist.

It's entirely filled with premium sushi rolls.

[Selina] That's for the cats only.

They love raw fish.

Obviously, I have cameras all over the place.

and do not open the room with the green door.

Princess has been a naughty, naughty kitty and she's in time out.

-[Selina] All right, bye. -Wait, wait! Before you go, girl, come on, you gotta dish.

Like, tell me about this guy. What's his butt like? Like, is it cool?

He's... fine.

Yeah. No, totally. I bet you could do so much better.

Mmm-hmm.

[device beeps]

Shall I continue?

[sighs in exasperation] It's not worth it.

[opening theme music playing]

Honey, can you hand me one of those clean beakers?

-[loud crash] -Ow, my penises!

Oh, you mean a clean, clean one.

Sweetie, I am close to perfecting this serum.

All I need to do is reduce the combustion intake by adjusting the picric acid level

and then adding a small amount of sodium bicarbonate to counteract it.

-I'm gonna make it less explodey. -Oh yeah. Good thinkin', Ive.

So, next step, I gotta get our hands on...

-[Harley screams] -What?

I can't find the damn unsubscribe button in this email. It just pisses me off.

-So what we really have to do-- -[Harley screams]

I found the button, thank god. [sighs in relief]

-[Harley screams] -And they sent you the email

-confirming you unsubscribed. -No, no, listen to this.

"The Academy of Evil Arts and Science, in association with the Gotham Foreign Press,

is honored to announce the nomination of Harley Quinn and Poison Ivy for Best

Couple at the 83rd Annual Supervillain Awards!" [screams excitedly]

Ugh, the Villys? Oh, great, another gaudy award show for egomaniacs.

Why would they think that we wanna attend that circle jerk?

Cause I always win that circle jerk.

Well, why keep jerkin' then? Why do you need more awards?

Cause all those wins were with Joker.

That clown kept every Villy for himself.

Didn't even let me on stage.

I never got to give the big speech and I live for the big speech.

Hell, one time he didn't even take me, he just took one of his goons.

-Dean. -Oh it was Dean?

I wanna be on that stage with you, holding up our Villy right in middle of that circle jerk.

Honey, I just got my lab setup. I've got momentum on this plan. I'm in the zone!

And I mean like, when have I actually even used the words "in the zone"?

Oh, can't you step out of the zone for one night,

and then after pop right back into the zone?

-Please, please... -[exhales sharply]

-Okay, okay, screw it, let's go win this award. -[Harley screams]

But I'm having three Long Island ice teas and no one's stopping me.

-No ice. -Fuck yeah!

First thing tomorrow, Martha, I announce my retirement and focus on our family.

Put little Brucie on, will ya.

Heya, sport. I know I haven't always been here for you, but I promise that's over now.

Tell mother to wear her pearls cause tonight we're going to the movies!

And... cut! great take. moving on.

Ugh, God, my back is killing me

-[chair vibrating] -[moaning] There it is!

Willie Rob!

Might not recognize me.

Lotta hair and makeup... I play the chair. The director's chair.

Maybe you could, say, sit on me

in exchange for one-on-one acting lessons?

I don't sit.

Ah, the Christopher Nolan school of acting, no sitting on set.

I don't ever sit.

Me neither. Another standing pooper!

-James! -Eatin' a Danish. Just tastes better on set.

Look, it's just buddy, this, this dialogue. I mean. It's not humming, ya know?

Ugh, it hums.

[Billy Bob] Hey, you know what? Maybe we could meet at your place?

-Mmm. -You know, cook some dinner, and do a re-write?

It's like what Warner Bros told me

while I was writing the "Scooby-Doo" movie. It's all about the edit.

[chuckles] On second thought, forget everything I just said! And let's meet tonight.

-[tense music plays] -[chuckles nervously]

Cool.

And we say happy Villy Sunday from Gotham City's lovely Crime Alley.

Ooh, Riddler, Clock King. congrats on the nom for Best Couple.

Thanks, Tawny, It's a big category.

Lotta great couples this year.

Now you two were some of Gotham's first openly gay villains.

Must not have been easy.

[laughs] You might say the hardest riddle I ever solved was my own sexuality.

Luckily, I figured it out just in time.

-Oh god, you turn my gears. -Come here.

-Oh, okay, now don't lean, that's okay. -Oh, oops, get in there!

-[kissing noises] -Aw.

And Clock King, can you tell us who you're wearing?

Of course, Tawny my clock tonight is by the master, Patek Philippe, it's a chronometer...

-You didn't tell me we had to walk the red carpet. -But you love walking!

[Poison Ivy groans]

Don't forget to re-apply lipstick before they announce your name.

Need that bold lip pop on camera.

It's the other dynamic duo: Harley Quinn and Poison Ivy!

I can't tell ya how great it feels to be here for another Villy,

and with time with the love of my life.

Well, girl, this is the first time you're running minus the Joker.

Think you can do it without him?

When we're up on that stage everyone will forget about Mr. J.

It's all about my sweet love Poison Ivy.

Okay, well, Ivy, everybody's clamoring to see those claws.

Is there a theme to your nails tonight?

Uh... social anxiety, I guess?

[Tawny] Oh...

God, they run out of those little quiches so fast, huh, Ive?

If I stand here no one can ask me who I'm wearing.

Okay, I know it's a lot, but you're doing great.

-Promise, the show itself is pretty low drama. -[sighs]

Uh, hey, excuse me, can you pass me the water?

Hell... o.

[disappointed groan]

[female announcer] Live from Crime Alley's Monarch Theatre,

it's the 83rd Annual Villy Awards.

Here's your host: the ace of knaves,

the clown prince of crime... Joker!

[snarls]

-[alarm beeps] -Ah shit.

I'm late for my eight o'clock. I've got a show to host.

[hip hop music playing]

♪ Tonight's the night We celebrate the bad guys We fight it out ♪

♪ Every day for the real prize The awards for those They demonize ♪

[wicked laugh]

[singing] ♪ We're here for gold I've won my share ♪

♪ Tonight's the one night We play it fair ♪

♪ From Killer Croc, To Firefly ♪

♪ Throw those hands up In the sky ♪

-♪ Put on a smile ♪ -♪ Like Joker do ♪

This is beyond messed up.

You know, I should hate 'em, but dammit the girls got moves.

-♪ We're throwin' acid. Yeah! ♪ -♪ Like Joker do ♪

-♪ We're gettin' plastered ♪ -♪ Like Joker do ♪

♪ Grodd is here Dressed in a tux ♪

-♪ And so is Bane Too bad he sucks ♪ -[Bane] What?

♪ Harley Quinn With her new flame I sat them next to... ♪

♪ Oh, what's his name? Put on a smile ♪

[together] ♪ Like Joker do ♪

♪ We're gettin' wild ♪

-[evil laugh] -♪ Like Joker do ♪

So, this is awkward turtle.

No. Why, why would that be?

Uh, because we had an affair while you were dating, then you left him at the altar for me,

and now we're all seated at an award show where you and I

are up for Best Couple and lalala.

Bingo-bango.

♪ Like Joker do! ♪ [laughs wickedly]

We've got an incredible show for you, folks. Some great guests, Sinestro,

Solomon Grundy, Kevin Spacey. Stay tuned!

Maybe we should go? Should we go?

No, no, no it's fine. All in the past.

Actually, I have completely, totally moved on. Even brought my new boo.

-You're dating Bane? -What?

I got a pretty good gig as a seat filler.

My girlfriend's not here yet.

She's running late. But she's definitely real.

I have a girlfriend who is real.

Real hot, muy caliente.

Ha, but no it's not, it's not just about her looks!

That would be shallow. I mean, you girls would really get along!

[forced laugh] Yeah...

Ive, maybe we should go mingle little.

Mmm-hmm. You know what, you go ahead.

I just... I think need some air.

Whoa, you could cut the tension with one of these. That's on them.

All they have to do is give me back my pasta maker if they don't want things to be weird.

No, no. We all think it's cool.

Haven't heard a single person suggest you're compensating for something.

Riddler! Cock King!

Ha! It's Clock King, honey. Cock King's the other guy.

Ha, lookin' forward to seein' all six of those hands clapping

while I'm up on stage with Ivy giving the big speech.

Oh, Harley, have you seen our new puppy, Maurice?

Yes, yes, show her.

Aww. So cute! Who's the other guy?

Riddle me this, who's the overseas President without a country?

Who works in black and white, but gives out the gold?

Why it's the head of the Gotham Foreign Press.

And we gifted him Maurice's twin sister.

You know, to grease the wheels.

-Grease the wheels? -Oh, Harley.

You of all people must know that these awards are mostly political.

Joker spent half the year campaigning for you two.

Gotta do whatever you can to get the upper hand.

Even if it's a little underhanded, right?

Ugh, yeah, totally, everyone knows that. I mean, it's very common knowledge. Mm-hmm.

[suspenseful music plays]

Hey. You're the award show accountant, huh?

Cool, cool. And that briefcase right there?

It's got the winners in it, huh?

Maybe you could let me take a lil peek inside it,

you know, make sure I won Best Couple.

Look, nerd. You're gonna hand over that briefcase and give me the envelope.

I will look at it, maybe cross somethin' out,

but hopefully not. Then you take it back,

pretend this never happened. Otherwise, I'm gonna kick your math-lovin' ass.

Uh, wait, do androids piss?

[yelps, groans]

[low growl]

[ominous music plays]

[sighs in exasperation]

-[woman] Need a charger? -Thanks.

It's nothin'. I never leave home without it.

Which makes me think, maybe I'm addicted to screens?

[chuckles] I mean, who isn't, right?

Man... [exhales]

-this night sucks. -Oh, why's that?

Ugh, it's just my girlfriend's obsessed with winning this award.

This whole thing is just,

it's not my scene.

I wanted to spend the night at home, working on my diabolical plan.

[gasps] Diabolical work on a Sunday? It's the Lord's Day.

Joke. I know the sabbath's on Saturday.

This would be killing if you knew me

because I am not religious. [chuckles nervously]

No, it was a good joke.

You know, to make matters worse, those assholes assigned me to sit next to my ex-fiancé.

I hear that. I couldn't even get myself to go in.

I'm supposed to be in there with my new boyfriend,

but I am way too nervous.

-Why's that? -Those assholes assigned us to sit next to his ex-fiancé.

[gasps softly] You are Kite Man's girlfriend.

And the award for the Most Creative Nom de Plume goes to Cock King!

Oh! He's a chicken. [laughs] That is creative.

[doorbell dinging]

The muse has arrived.

James! I brought bread. Thought we'd break it.

Isn't your hair usually spikier?

[awkward laugh] If I learned anything from my seven years acting

on the Amy Sherman-Palladino dramedy Gilmore Girls as the quirky town resident--

I'm gonna stop you there. James Gunn doesn't act.

Everybody knows his brother Sean played Kirk on Gilmore Girls!

You clicked the wrong Wikipedia, didn't ya? You're not James Gunn.

-You're a monster! -No, no, no. I... I'm the chair! Remember?

You can turn yourself into anything, but you use your talent to become chairs?

Well, I'm not strictly.

At first I thought, maybe you're a stalker.

But I can see behind those horrific clay eyes, you're just a hungry actor.

Oh, how I starve!

You know, I've been thinking, maybe it's time for me to take on a protege.

And Chair Guy, I think you may be it.

[excitedly] Huzzah!

I gotta go take a piss, but when I get back

your life is gonna be changed forever, son.

-Where's the shitter? -First door on the left.

Or was it the first door on the right?

[Billy Bob] Holy shit, is that a tiger?

-[tiger roars] -[Billy screams]

-[tiger roars] -[glass breaking]

[keypad beeping]

-[King Shark] Hello? -Shark? Perchance you're free?

[sniffles] So moving. Gone, but not forgotten.

Next is a special award given only to the truly deserving.

The baddies who make a real difference.

This year's recipient of the Joe Chill Honorary Award is... Catwoman!

-[laughs boisterously] -[audience clapping]

Let's forget the fact that I'm not even really a villain,

I'm an anti-hero.

The only reason you gave me this award is cause I'm Black.

After eighty-plus years you finally realize

you haven't let a single Black villain win.

No matter how much we deserve it.

Black Manta's been out here for years as a marquee villain,

and you don't see him getting an award.

-He's black? -And you think you can satisfy your white guilt

with one apology trophy named after...

you guessed it, a white dude.

[cell phone vibrates]

[tiger roaring]

Why am I wasting my breath?

-So you're... -Golden Glider.

Yes... Right. You're, you're the one who glides with your, your...

I have these special ice skates that let me glide in the air. Whoosh, shwing!

Woah. Look at that.

-They're like kites for your feet. -That's what Chuck said!

Oh, wow. So you guys know each other's secret identities? I mean, that's pretty serious.

It was months before Kite Man told me his real name.

I mean, I know it's pretty fast, but yeah it feels real.

Has he made you the chili yet?

I love the chilli. It's incredible.

Right? Ah, he gets so obsessive about picking each veggie.

It's almost like no onion is perfect enough for him.

Oh, actually I hate... hate, hate, hate onions, so he stopped using them.

Really? Gosh, but, Kite Man loves onions.

I mean, that's was like his number two thing under kites.

I guess it's like how he took out the meat when he made it with you.

Huh. Kite Man's a really good guy.

He's so good at being supportive,

even if it's a sacrifice for him.

Yeah. We're both... lucky.

Well, you know what? Fuck me.

I don't matter. You shouldn't be nervous because of me.

I mean, the only person you should give a snowrat's ass about

in that tacky theater is Chuck.

I mean, you're here because of him, and I'm here because of Harley.

So, let's just go be in there for them because they sure as hell would be there for us.

Hell yeah.

[grunts]

[aggressive screaming]

[muffled scream]

[Harley straining]

Ugh. Fuck off, I was perfectly blended.

Hi-Yah!

[ominous music plays]

[screams, groans]

[man clears throat]

-[screams] -Ahh, someone's in here!

Ugh, move it or lose it Invisible Kid.

-Uh, I'm Imperceptible Man. -[door opens]

Oh my god, he did not wash his hands.

[Harley grunts]

[groans, growls]

[grunting]

[panting, grunts]

[laughs]

[gasps]

Ugh, you're such a dick.

[screeching]

I sure hope we didn't have to censor any of that. [laughs]

I'm kidding, I'm kidding. It was a very touching speech about your mother's leukemia.

Thanks, bud. Uh, BTDubs, I don't currently have a bladder infection,

but the best prevention is to keep crushing these vodka cranny-cran-crans.

Lisa!

-Ohhh! -[gasps]

-That's my babe. -I'm so sorry I'm late, Chuck.

No problemo, mon amour.

I'm just happy we're together.

Although now, I do have to leave you to use the little kite's room.

[humming]

[gasps, screams] Harley!

What's going on here?

[sighs sharply] I'm lactating?

You know, this was my first time at the Villys.

Always wanted to go, never got invited,

until last week, I got nominated for "Best D-Lister" at the less publicized,

but definitely equally prestigious Technical Villy Awards.

-Did ya win? -I did not.

Lost to a guy with a gun for a penis.

But sitting in that rented out kid's dance studio, it hit me,

the only reason I got nominated was 'cause of Ivy.

Dating her made me want to be a better person, a better villain.

Hell, when I first met her I was a delusional, nobody himbo. Now I'm big enough

-to lose Best D-Lister. -But Ivy left you.

Yeah, and now I'm with Lisa and she rules.

Things are working out for the ole Kite Man.

And win or lose tonight, they seem to be working out for you too.

Now, if you will excuse me, I gotta do a yak-attack of some vodka crans in that stall.

-[retches] -[vomiting]

[King Shark yelling]

It's taken care of.

A moment of silence to honor the talented Mr. Thornton's life.

[cell phone vibrating]

Well, I'm done for. It was good knowing you, friend.

Too bad you can't turn into Billy Bob Thornton and live-out your dream as a movie star.

It'd be far too much to keep up with.

Balancing his busy life with your own much-less busy but probably still important life.

Screw Clayface! I choose Thornton.

Billy, you were right. I looked at the script, made a few changes,

added some incongruous songs to spice in some humor. I think you're going to love!

Terrific. Oh, how I, Billy Bob Thornton, alive and well,

do love our camaraderie, James Gunn.

Cool.

Okay, bitch, wait what happened to you. You know what? I can guess.

Let's win this Villy, crush the acceptance speech, and make that trophy a cuck.

Totally! How?

Uh, by making it watch us have crazy sex till dawn. Duur.

Okay, I absolutely love that image. But Ive, I am so sorry.

You've had real anxiety all night, and I should've helped.

I was so fixated on that award when I was with Joker

cause it was the only validation I ever got.

But that was a bad relationship,

and I have grown beyond that.

So who cares about a dumb trophy?

I've got the real award right here.

That's so sweet. But I should've been more excited.

I mean, this is important to you, so it is important to me.

-[Harley] Aw... -[kissing noises]

You wanna ditch this hellhole? Get some Big Belly Burger? Tie up the employees?

Maybe take silly photos in our fancy dresses?

Uh, hard yes. I'd kill for a grilled cheese right now.

And you know we're taking those silly photos. It's not gonna be silly how hot we look.

-Fuck you, Villys. -Yeah. Fuck you Villys! And your vegan apps suck.

Don't put a leek on a crostini and call it an hors d'oeurve!

Now, the moment we've all been waiting for... The final award: Best Couple.

And the Villy goes to...

Harley Quinn and Poison Ivy!

-What? -Boo!

[sobbing]

We will never win and it's because of my big stupid clock for a face.

-Hey! -Don't touch me.

You are beautiful. And you are loved. By me.

I don't even know what time it is.

I said Harley and Ivy!

Where is that damn seat filler?

So, going to any of those cool after-parties later?

Hmm, well only one thing to do. Trophy's mine! [laughs]

On behalf of Harley and Ivy, I'd like to thank my loyal goons.

Dean, shout out.

Laura, my co-class mom, shouldn't be gendered.

And of course my better-half Bethany. Muah!

You are my rock.

And hey kids, you'd better be off to bed, but if not,

this one's for you, Benicio and Soph-Soph.

Good night! [laughs maniacally]

-I love you so much. -Come here.

-Okay. -Don't put your head right into my face.

-Oh, okay. Sorry. -Stop Moving.

God, we have to work out our kisses.

[theme music playing]