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- Morning, Christine.

- Steve, where's Emory?

- I-I'll be right in. Go ahead.

- Come on!

Great!

Oh, that's very good!

Come on, let's go!

Hey, come on! Go!

If you'd just go, there wouldn't be traffic!

Come on!

If everybody moved this much,

we'd be in the city by now, okay!

Come on, let's go!

For god's sake, let's move!

- Hey! What's the matter with you?

- What's the matter with me?

I'll tell you what's the matter with me.

You're in front of me!

That's what's the matter with me, you bloody idiot.

Hey, you! Get off that goddamn phone, will you?

Put your window up, too. Thank you.

Let's go, for god's sake!

- You can't always just hit a product and run.

With snack foods, you have to drill, drill, drill

that target audience

until they are consuming your product

not because they love it,

but because they can't escape it.

Anderson, Powell, did you check with research

on that nabisco cracker?

- Yes. - Positioned and ready to go.

- Ah, Mr. Bachman, where's your partner?

Haven't seen you or that little englishman in over a week.

- We're a tad behind, sir.

- You were a tad behind last week.

I want everything on my desk tomorrow.

And I think you know how seriously I mean that.

Now, I want you to assign this

to three separate departments.

- Mr. Bachman! Mr. Bachman!

- Steve. Steve, um, I need your signature to approve the-

- hey, Steve. Hi, Mark. - You!

Mr. Bachman.

Hey. Wait.

You're in deep shit.

- Excuse me.

You don't have a thing, do you?

- Oh, come on. - You have no.

What is going on here? What is going on?

- Writer's block?

- No, Emory, see, that, that happens to authors

after 80 or 100 years

of writing thick, complicated novels.

You write slogans.

You write stupid slogans... hey.

- That go next to pictures in magazines.

Nobody... what did?

- Runs out of those.

- It's more complicated than that.

Ads may be a more vital stimulus than we realize.

- What are you talking about?

Where, where are the proofs?

C- can I see the Chrysler proofs?

- Hey, how much can you say about a Chrysler

and still be honest with yourself?

I mean, nobody cares about Lee iacocca.

He's like an annoying relative

who keeps coming over for something to eat.

- He runs the company.

- I. I don't even like chryslers, you know?

I mean, they're not sporty.

Have you seen the people who drive them lately?

They just don't look normal.

Let's face it, Steve, you and I lie for a living.

And, and, I, it's not easy for me

to digest that anymore.

Excuse me.

- Uh, do you wanna tell me anything?

I mean. Is everything okay with, uh, cheri?

- Okay-er than ever. What?

For crying out loud.

- Look, you're my partner,

and you have a responsibility to me.

You know, we're in a very critical spot right now,

and I need to know if you are having a problem.

Now, are you having a problem?

- I'm not having a problem.

I mean, I love my work.

I just have to position the products right in my mind.

Hook. I need the right hook.

I need the right hook, that's all.

- We need Chrysler, Volvo, Jaguar, at&t.

I need that Greek tourist bureau and united airlines.

You have 24 hours.

- Mm? - Mm-hmm, great.

- I'm trusting you. - Hey, I love trust.

Trust is a, a beautiful thing.

- Where you going?

- We're always taking the elevator.

I'm gonna meander down this way.

- It's 127 flights.

- Yes!

- Look, talk to me tomorrow.

You'll handle all those questions, and I'll handle whatever.

You know, whatever their concerns are.

Right, I'm trying, I'm trying.

As soon as I can. I haven't moved in 10 minutes.

I spoke to Schiller about that.

He told me they were unloading all those issues

as soon as the mergers are done.

Gotta go. Yes.

- Yes, I'm almost home. - Excuse me.

- Hey, man, I'm on the phone.

What?

What the? Son of a bitch.

- People who use car phones annoy other drivers.

Hey, I have great news. I'm over that block.

Do you know what the problem was? Psychological.

- Sir, I literally wouldn't wait another second.

- You were supposed to show me these before the meeting.

- That was then. - These better be great.

- Is this some fucking joke?

"Buy volvos. They're boxy, but they're good.

We know they're not sexy.

This is not a smart time to be sexy anyway,

with so many new diseases around.

Be safe instead of sexy."

- Right.

- “Volvo, boxy but good." Are you crazy?

Are you out of your fucking mind?

- Hey, I thought this would appeal

to a no-nonsense-type consumer.

- Who the hell ever heard

of advertising that a car is boxy, mm?

- But. - Who?

- They are boxy. They are boxy.

An intelligent buyer knows that.

Hey, let's not fool the public anymore.

Let's not lie, Steve.

Let's level with america.

- We can't level, you crazy bastard.

We're in advertising.

- Yes. "This mouthwash kills germs.

This dishwashing liquid softens hands."

Hey, seriously, do you know anyone

who soaks their hands in dish soap?

If you saw your mother soaking her hands in dish soap,

you'd call for a bloody ambulance, wouldn't you?

Ah!

- Oh, this is lovely. Truth in travel?

- Ah-huh.

- "Forget France. - The French can be annoying.

Come to Greece. We're nicer“?

- So? - “We're nicer“?

- The French pride themselves on being annoying.

In Paris they have contests.

I mean, they're, they're eligible for huge prizes.

"Quaker oats.

Does this cereal taste great? Who knows."

But at least the box is cute."

- Right. - “The box is cute“?

- The box is cute.

- This is truly nuts.

"Jaguar. Sleek and smart.

For men who'd like hand jobs

from beautiful women they hardly know"?

- That's what all of these ads really mean.

Men buy these cars because of it,

so why don't we just come out and say,

"hey, we know what you want.

Here it is. This is for that"?

- This is getting scary.

- Why don't we? Let's go for a walk.

Come on. I'm taking you home.

- What happened? - With what?

- Where is cheri?

- Cheri? Ah.

Ha, yeah, cheri went to the cleaners.

- She took the drapes?

And the appliances, the rugs?

She took all her belongings to the cleaners?

- Yeah, yeah. She's, she's very insecure.

- I'll give you a phone number.

I want you to call this woman tomorrow morning.

Her name is Dr. Baylor, all right?

She's at bennington hospital.

- Baylor, baylor, baylor

- remember Jerry kleiner in marketing?

He was pissing down elevator shafts?

God, yeah. God, what a great day that was.

- Well, we sent him up there,

and in three weeks he was back to normal.

Call her first thing in the morning, okay?

- Okay, okay. This is paper, right?

- You hear what I'm saying?

- Yeah. - Call her.

- I'll call her. I'll call her.

I'll use the phone.

They're great just for that sort of thing.

- We can market a product

before your companies even produce it.

Okay, say, say you wanna do a market analysis

for certain electronic items.

- Steve, you've gotta see these.

- You should not be here.

- Steve.

- Look, did you call the doctor?

- You are in a must-see situation.

You must see these.

- No, no, no. Emory, the ads are all done.

- Okay. - They're all taken care of.

- Fine.

United airlines. Whole new way to go.

Sit. Sit down.

Sit. Okay.

"Your fear of flying may be valid.

There are always plenty of plane crashes,

and people die like crazy.

But you should also know that more people arrive

at their destinations alive on our flights

than on many others.

So if you have to fly, fly us.

United. Most of our passengers get there alive."

- Mr. Leeson? - Yes.

- I'm Dr. Baylor.

Our administrator, Dr. Koch, is out of town

for a few weeks at a conference,

but your medical files arrived this morning.

We've been expecting you.

What brings you here?

- A Pontiac. A Pontiac brings me here.

Oh, I-I can't afford this.

- The company's gonna pay for it. You know that.

- Okay, why don't we just jump right in, hm?

- Jump into what? Jump into what?

- I don't know.

- Normally, we start a new patient

on a 10-day observation period,

and then after that, with the consent

of a relative or a conservator,

we're qualified to make recommendations

regarding additional treatment.

So there are a number of details

that will need to be taken care of.

Which means you will need to sign some papers.

- Listen, I-I will gladly sign whatever the hell you want,

but I'm late for several things

and I-I really have to make a phone call.

- Hello, I'm William Holden.

- Take me away from here. - I'll buy you dinner.

I'll buy you a restaurant.

- I have to go.

- You did quite a bit of silent farting in the car,

so you're not perfect either.

- Just take care of yourself.

- You're, you're putting me in here because I'm short.

- I'm not putting you in here.

Your employer is putting you in here,

and, and if you leave before you're supposed to,

you're not gonna have an employer.

- I-I am an executive. - I shouldn't be here.

- We have quite a few executives here.

Come on.

Come on.

I'll see that you're placed

with people you're comfortable with.

Let's go see if you like your room.

- There better not be any singles functions here.

- I'm a hundred miles away,

so, wh-what am I supposed to do?

- I understand that, sir,

but, but you know bauman won't accept anything

without written authorizations, so.

Well, I am admitting someone

to a mental institution.

- Abs, I understand that. Absolutely.

- So obviously, I can't be there right now.

- Okay, how about? - No, these,

these can't be late.

Look, uh, look, take the proofs off my desk

and bring 'em up to distribution,

and tell bauman that you have my verbal okay.

- Okay, fine. - Go.

- Yes, sir. Bye bye.

- Now, look, I went to a whole school for this, okay?

You're in advertising.

People have questions about that, they ask you.

People have questions about this, they ask me.

- Mm-hmm. Well, I do have a couple of questions.

- Oh, no, no, this is a closet.

- Oh, fine, thank you. Um.

- Why don't you just relax, settle in,

make yourself comfortable in here?

There's a support session in the day room in a half-an-hour.

I'd really like to see you there.

- Hey, hey. I know what that is.

That's group therapy.

I know this is a mental institution.

I see people walking around in the little blue slippers.

And I can tell you right now, my problems will not be solved

by hanging around with odd little people

who talk to themselves, who play fake games,

and who gallivant around in little blue hospital slippers.

Okay?

- Day room. Half an hour.

Try and relax.

- God. Great, great.

First a mental institution,

now rain?

God.

I'm Kathy.

I'm a patient here too.

- Oh.

- You wanna go to a support session?

- Um, um, uh, yeah. Yeah, um.

But I'll need slippers.

Uh, blue. I-I like blue.

- In 1975, saab changed over from electronic fuel injection

to continuous injection, which required a whopping 20 pounds

of fuel pressure to start the car.

- Now, how's. - Hi.

Oh, let's move on then,

to discuss the fuel-injection system of the 900 series

as compared with those of the '73 saab 96 ls-

- he's a lunatic.

- Which had a carburetted intake system-

- we call him saabs. That's all he talks about, saabs.

- All models. 1971, 1988. - Let's move on.

- Excuse me.

- That's mort.

All he wants in life is to be a comedy writer

and move to Hollywood.

- Kathy, whoa.

- And there's coffee and dough-

- got a real killer for you.

There was a Jew at a circle and a gorilla.

The Lane shift separates-

The... the gorilla says, "fine."

- Ah. - I'm Manuel robles.

I'm latino, and I enjoy it.

- Emory leeson.

- Incidentally, I'm macho.

- Incidentally, you're crazy.

- Also true.

Did you know

that I have two completely different-sized feet?

Why do these things take so long to get going?

Emory.

- Hel. Lo

- hello. Hello.

- I'm lost. I am totally lost.

- That's George. He only says hello.

It's the only word he says he has affection for. Hello.

- Hi, new person, I'm judge.

- Hi, I'm Emory. - I know.

Have you any connections in the ballet world?

- The ballet? I- - yeah, well, I,

I need ballet tickets.

See, I love the ballet.

I love the little toe shoes they wear.

I can't help myself anymore.

- Huh. - He loves the ballet.

The man's obsessed.

- Good afternoon, everyone.

- Hello. - Hi, Mrs. Baylor.

How are you today, Dr. Baylor?

- Good. - Good afternoon, Dr. Baylor.

- Kath. Bruce. - Hi.

- Today we're going to talk about feelings.

Oh.

- Feelings that we feel versus feelings that we don't.

We have someone new in the group today.

Emory leeson.

How do you feel about that?

Who can give me an example of a feeling?

- Scallops? - Eskimo pie?

- I feel sad.

For Emory.

I know underneath he feels bad about being here.

- Emory. Why do you think you're here?

- Well, I realized I was lying all the time.

Lying in my work, lying in my relationships,

lying to myself.

- What can we do for Emory to make him feel better?

- We can let him know that we care, that we're his friends.

- Shit! She knew that from before.

- Bruce, it's not a contest.

It's an opportunity to show someone

who's going through a rough time that we care.

How do we show someone we care?

- Series compared with those of the '73 saab.

- I know one way.

- I'm quite visibly moved.

I wanna get a hug in there too.

Me!

- Me too.

Hug.hug.

- Why the hell are my ads still in here?

- Well, I-I thought olander took 'em up.

They were right here on your desk.

Let me ask you something.

I mean, you don't seem like these other people.

Why you here?

- Well, I have fears.

Fears of being in closed places.

I also have a fear of being in open places.

Actually, I have a fear of everything.

- Oh, well, of course. - Come on.

Come on. I need information.

- And then she just left. Suddenly, you know?

She took everything. And I mean everything.

- The citrus juicer, maps. - That's terrible.

- Oh, god.

Ha!

I don't like the woods, by the way.

I- I have a fear of woods.

- It doesn't sound like she liked you very much.

- Um, well, no. She, uh, shit.

Uh. Oh.

She just had, uh, just had trouble showing it.

She's pretty, right?

It's always the pretty ones.

They have trouble with packages.

They have trouble with their car.

They have trouble with shoes.

They have trouble showing their love.

Pretty girls are breaking everybody's back.

- But you're, you're pretty.

I mean, really pretty.

- Yes, but I don't have the problems

normally associated with prettiness,

because when I was a child, I looked like ed McMahon.

Keep walking. There's a special place I want you to see.

- Trees, I think.

I've always felt that trees

are in some way displeased with me.

I'm wringing wet.

- With some people, everything is hard.

Living with them's hard. Leaving them is hard.

My brother had a girl like that.

She practically ruined his life.

- Well, I told her I loved her,

but she said I didn't love intelligently.

- What does that mean?

- I don't know.

- How could you have stayed with this Princess?

- Oh, I never felt I could get in on the ground floor

with the really appealing people.

Oh, everybody thinks that.

- No, no. Girls at school used to seriously ostracize me.

- Oh, that happens to everyone.

- These girls would call me over, chew licorice,

smile, and spit the juice at me.

A lot of people.

Well, not exactly a lot of people.

Yeah, that's bad. Because it stains.

Cheri was the best-looking girlfriend I ever had.

We were supposed to get married.

- I'm changing the subject now.

We're here.

- Great. It's great.

- You're the first person I've ever shared this place with.

- It's, it's lovely. Absolutely wonderful.

- Forget the girl, Emory.

She's already draining me, and I didn't even meet her.

I can feel how hard your life has been.

I really hope you get help here.

- Well, I'm, I'm hoping that.

Um. How?

How can we be getting so romantic so fast,

without any courtship or anything?

- I'm nuts. - Oh.

Good serve.

- Judge. - I got it!

All right. Oh!

- Hello. - I got it. Yeah.

- I got it, I got it, I got it.

- Take it, saabs. - Come on, saabs,

hit it where they ain't.

I got it, I got it, I got it. Ooh, oh.

- I got it. - Over here.

- Hey. - Hey.

- Coming up. - Coming to me, coming to me.

I got it.

- They know they don't have a ball?

- Of course. - Good, good, good.

- Yo, em. - Got it.

- I got this one. - Come on, come on.

Emory. Come on in, man.

Hey, new meat.

- Hello. - Oh, hello.

It's mine, it's mine, right here.

- Okay, oh!

- I got it, I got it, I got it.

- Okay. - I got it.

- Yeah! - I got it.

- Okay, over here. - Nice, nice.

- “Metamucil. It helps you go to the toilet.

If you don't use it, you'll get cancer and die.“

"Paramount pictures presents 'the freak.'

this movie won't just scare you,

it will fuck you up for life."

I wanna know how the fuck the word fuck

gets in the "New York fucking times."

"Stop pretending. If you look like this, then you're fat.

In fact, you're a fat slob.

Admit it. Do something about it.

Wanna stop sweating on relatively cool days?

Get to a phone, call vitaflex toll-free.

If you call now, we'll send you a free plant."

A free plant for fat slobs.

You are so fired it is unbelievable.

- Hello, I'm fat. Do you have any ficus trees?

- We have to admit that?

- I think you have to say that to get the plant.

- Hello? We're fat.

We're tired of sweating on relatively cool days.

- I knew we were fat. I didn't think we were slobs.

- Hello. Sorry. - Ask about the plant.

- Uh, about the plant.

- Vitaflex diet systems, may I take your order, please?

- You don't have to admit that you're ugly, sir.

- I don't know about the plant, sir. Please hold.

- Here you go.

Here you go, sir.

I'll take two bottles. Thank you so much.

- I'll take one, please. - One bottle, please.

- Sorry, folks, I haven't any more.

There's a run on metamucil.

I- I don't know where they'll have any anywhere.

- No. No. - That's it.

You might try Puerto Rico. Sorry.

- It has resulted in a frantic run on products

ranging from luxury cars to bulk softeners.

Business experts agree this no-nonsense approach

appeals to a new breed of consumer

who wants to be dealt with honestly.

We go live to Connie vega-margolis on long island,

where one no-nonsense ad has brought movie audiences

out in record numbers.

- Earl, we are here at the mineola country theater,

where record numbers of people have turned out

for a movie called "the freak,"

which has promised to, well, mess you up for life.

All around the country, people are camping out

to get a place in line and a chance

to experience this phenomenon.

What about you, sir?

Why are you willing to wait two days to get into a movie?

- 20 dollars for a movie?

- You wanna be fucked up for life, that's what it costs.

- This is Connie vega-margolis in mineola for wdbx news.

Back to you, Earl.

- Emory leeson is an advertising genius.

I want him back.

- He's in the hospital, sir.

- Buy him some flowers.

If you want your job back, you get him back.

- Okay, let's move our arms back.

Good. Nice big circles.

And now forward.

Now twist to the right. Great.

- Oh, this is a very good thing.

Good twisting, saabs.

- I thought I was being too aggressive

with you the other day.

- Yes, you were. It was terrible.

Very upsetting.

Mm, please adjust my eyebrows.

Great, you guys are great at working out.

Good work.

Oh, you eyebrow miracle worker, you.

You look great.

You look a lot better than you did a week or so ago.

- Oh, no. No, this could take years.

I'm in very serious shape, it turns out.

- I'm fucking nuts. - Well, maybe.

But you know the crazy stuff that you wrote?

It got printed, and your ads are a huge hit.

This honesty, it's a terrific concept.

We don't know much about it.

I wanna get you on it and get you out of here.

- No.

- What do you, what do you mean, no?

- What? I-I-I need rest.

- I'll get you rest.

I'll get you 24-hour care at home.

Friendly women will come to your house.

- Well, I appreciate the kind and Christian offer,

but no, thanks.

- Come on. You didn't even wanna come here.

- I know, I know, but the staff is so friendly,

and, and mental health is so important these days.

- But there's huge money at stake now.

- I know. - Huge amounts of money.

I mean, trucks will come to your house every day

and just drop piles of cash right on your porch.

Money's good.

Emory, if you, if you don't agree,

drucker's just gonna cancel your insurance.

- Oh, oh, hit it to me. - No. No.

- You're blackmailing me.

- It's not just me. Other people are too.

Look, you have to do this.

You just, you're gonna have to leave here tomorrow, okay?

I'm, I'm sorry, but, you know.

- Emory! Emory! - Hello.

- Emory, look, dandelions.

- Somebody ask for something you know

in your heart you really want.

Yeah, Bruce.

- I'd like a blow job in a thunderbird.

I have to leave the hospital.

- What makes you say that?

- They want me to take my old job back.

I don't wanna go.

Is there something we can do to help you?

- I would, I would help with anything

that would take me out of art therapy.

I hate art therapy.

- I-I don't know what anybody could do for me

in, in this situation.

- Well, then ask for what you want.

Well, maybe, uh, maybe I want help.

- Nobody ever asked us for help before.

- Well, I was an adman, an ad writer, you know,

and, uh, now my ads are successful.

They're not gonna pay my insurance

unless I start writing again.

- Well, maybe we could write ads with you.

- This session is starting

to take on a "little rascals" feel.

- You could send them in. Then you could stay.

I don't think that would work.

Who here wants to be an adman?

- Who here wants to be a fire engine?

Me.

- I know we could do it.

- Do? We'd have to do things?

- Negativo. - Forget it.

- Nope. - Hello, plus.

- We can't do things.

We're maniacs. Ask around.

- I'm telling you, we can do things.

We can do it together.

- Can we write an ad now?

- Sure.

- Wow! I'm fired up.

- Um, how about a car ad?

- Great.

Uh, okay, um.

Oh, huh, I got one for Porsche.

"Hey, man, buy a Porsche."

Anything?

- “Hey, man, buy a Porsche.“ That is interesting.

- He said I was interesting. - I heard that.

- Ooh, ooh. How about this?

"Hello. Buy a Porsche.“

- hey, I thought up hello. That's mine.

- That was mine. - Yes. Yes.

Hello was George's.

You guys really wanna do this?

Yeah, yes.

- Car ads need, need real punch, though.

They need real sexiness to them.

- Okay, how about this?

"Porsche.

It's a little too small to get laid in,

but you get laid the minute you get out."

Is that enough fucking punch for you?

- That's more like it.

Yeah.

- Hey, come on. Let's sketch.

What are you doing?

- What? What?

- What are you doing?

- Oh, god, what am I doing?

I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm dreaming.

Um, that's what I normally schedule for this hour.

- Don't kid me. You were pining away for that Princess.

- Well, she was cute.

Cuteness is very important to a relationship.

- Oh, god. - Let's go, pal.

There's something I wanna show you.

- Fine.

I think I like that.

- Look at this, will you?

Ah, come on. You cannot have sex with a saab.

It's abnormal. And you could get hurt.

- I'm not saying it's possible.

I'm saying it might be interesting.

- It's cleanser, so we have to emphasize the product.

- Correct, hello, but, hello,

we have to hit it in such a way, hello,

that makes the product memorable.

Hello, how you doing?

- Okay, draw it up your way.

- Fine, hello, I'll do just that.

- I've never heard George say anything but hello.

I've never seen them so excited about anything.

They're so alive now.

- Do you mind? Hello.

We're working.

- Yes, yes, yes, we are in the country.

I smell mountains.

Fortunately, they smell like grape-nuts.

Oh, you have the sexiest hands I've ever seen.

- I do my own nails.

- Your knuckles are breathtaking.

Hey, when we get out of here, let's go out on a date.

I can pick you up in a station wagon,

take you out for some Italian food, huh?

I know a place where they learn your name

after you've spent $10,000 on food.

- I don't like Italian food.

I don't think I can make a date.

- You've been here really a long time, haven't you?

- There's nothing for me out there anymore.

I had some bad experiences.

Very bad.

My parents died when I was young.

They split my brother, Adam and I, up.

He was my best friend.

I got sad.

So sad I couldn't do anything, practically.

But now I'm safe here.

Anyway, that's why I came here.

- What about your brother?

- Adam's in the army now.

He's promised to come and get me

when his tour of duty is up.

- Mm. - When he does, I'll leave.

Till then, I stick around.

Will you stay?

- Me? Well, I.

I have a whole life to rebuild.

I- I can't forget about that.

- Why not?

- A mental institution. - Sir, coming up here

was the only way this could have been handled.

- They're here. - Here we are.

- Hello. - Hello. Hi.

- Hello. Hello.

Design, especially for the packet.

- Wow! - Sit. I'll sit there.

- Hello. - Yeah, right.

- Wow! - Hello. Hello.

My friends have something very exciting

we'd like to share with you, some beautiful-

- did somebody fart,

or did this whole room just drive past an oil refinery?

My actual name is Joe,

but my friends call me saabs.

- This is very okay.

This is the type of thing that goes on.

- None of these people would kill a person, would they?

- Okay, let's show them what we have.

Uh, lights, please.

Now, we want to be honest.

Um, cigarette companies have been romanticizing smoking

for years, but they had to put medical disclaimers

on the package.

Now, what we're saying is

why not stick it right into the advertising?

Manuel.

- If you're risking cancer,

shouldn't your cigarette deliver real flavor?

Shouldn't something that might make you die

really taste great?

"Amalfi super thins.

Pulmonary cancer? Perhaps.

Flavor? For sure."

That was brilliant. Brilliant.

- Thank you, Manuel. Thank you very much.

Um, Kathy burgess has some new ideas

uh, for new directions in corporate advertising, Kathy.

- I can't do it. - Come on, Kathy. Come on.

- Excuse me. - I-I am shy.

- Albert Einstein was shy. Marie curie was shy.

She also had bad skin and damaged hair.

You, at least, are beautiful and poetic.

- That worked. - Mm-hmm.

- Um, "you may think phone service stinks

since deregulation,

but don't mess with us, because we're all you got.

In fact, if we fold, you'll have no damn phones.

At&" - Kathy, move.

- “We're tired of taking your crap."

Marvelous, Kathy. Marvelous.

- Um, how often have we seen a travel ad

with a suntanned, oil-lubricated girl in a bikini

slipping into the ocean, with a caption that reads

"come to The Bahamas“?

Now, what are we? Bruce, what are we really saying?

- “Come in The Bahamas.“

- yikes. - Fuck.

Thank you, Bruce. Thank you.

- This is insane.

- That's what we're here for.

- I know what the ad said.

Sir, The Bahamas makes no sexual guarantee of any kind.

I have no idea.

We don't make those kind of arrangements.

- Where do you want it? - Excuse me, please.

Set it up right over here.

- Emory, come here. Come here.

Listen to this.

Sorry.

- "Saab 9000 turbo.

If you don't drive one,

you should be placed in a state facility, period."

- That's telling 'em, saabs. Come here.

- Great. - Emory.

Emory, come here. Look at this.

- Okay, all right, you ready? - Mm-hmm.

- “We know you love him.

But if he happens to die,

we give you two Mercedes and a summer home.

Wouldn't that be nice too? John hancock."

- Perfect, Bruce.

- Emory. Stephen bachman. - Oh, thanks.

Hey, Steve.

The supplies and staff you sent were perfect.

- Emory, Emory. Ad two in the New York campaign.

"Come to New York. There were fewer murders last year.“

- that's great, mort. - Do you like it?

- Great. That was mort, yeah.

Yeah, everybody's working up the storyboards

for the commercials.

Ah-ha. Well, okay, let me tell 'em.

Hey, he's gonna try to get you covenants with guarantees.

- Great. What are those?

- What? They're contracts for jobs.

That means we'll have jobs!

That's great, Emory.

Oh, ask him about the ballet tickets.

- Uh, hold on a second. Hold on, Steve.

- What? - Well, I noticed, you see,

that there's a performance of "swan lake" on the 5th.

- Hey, Steve. Uh, we have eight people here.

Yeah, make that seven,

who wanna go and see the new York city ballet on the 5th.

Can you help us?

- Great. Okay. - What? What?

- We'll have box seats at the ballet.

He'll bring the tickets Thursday.

- Oh, my god, really? - That's wonderful.

- Hey, okay. Keep it down out here, will you?

This is still a hospital, you know?

- What's going on?

We're going to the ballet.

- Who is? - We all are.

- Hey, Kathy. - She must really hate ballet.

Kathy!

- Dr. Koch.

Bring the rest of that stuff down-

- get Dr. Baylor in my office.

- Afternoon, sir. - Yes, sir.

- Hey, Kathy. - Leave me alone.

- Why are you doing this? - Doing what?

- Running from me.

- Because I care about you, and you're gonna leave.

- I'm not gonna leave. - I know you're gonna leave.

- I'm not.

- You said you were leaving.

You were very specific about your destination.

- I said we were going to a ballet.

- That's where it starts.

- We're coming back.

They limit the time you spend in there.

- I can't go.

I can't make any more changes until my brother comes.

- Have you ever even heard from him?

- Of course.

- Oh, don't let's run.

- You turn the whole hospital upside down

to keep one patient?

You've got mental patients out there with secretaries

- and rotary lines. - And it's working.

For the first time in their lives,

these people have something productive to do.

- Good. Alert the medical journals.

- Horace, they're coming out of their shells for once.

George cartelli has said nothing but hello since 1977.

Now he talks.

Something important has happened to these people.

- I administrate a hospital, goddamn it.

- That is no excuse. - All right. Enough.

You're wasting your time.

- Now, just wait a minute.

This is a building proposal.

The head of the drucker company has agreed

to fund and construct a new wing of the medical library.

Here.

Take a look.

They're very interested in naming this after you.

- Nobody writes to people here,

but Adam writes me two letters a week,

keeping me up on what's going on in his life

and when he's coming to get me.

That's devotion.

If I leave, he won't be able to find me.

- Well, have you considered a forwarding address?

The post office really enjoys that kind of stuff.

- The post office sucks. - You've been there.

Hold me.

I'm starting to really need you now.

This is no joke. Please hold me.

- Oh, oh, well, I am holding you.

- I know, it's a female thing.

- We say it a few times. - Oh.

- You're the first person I've ever let into my room.

- Oh, well, it- - tell me you'll wait.

- Don't leave before me. - Okay.

- You don't have to do it,

- but just tell me you will. - I will.

- We'll return to the- - mom, dad,

commercials are on.

- Hey, you can't leave the scene of an accident.

- That's hit-and-run. - Up yours, pal.

I got a delivery to make.

- Hey, did you see that? Look at that!

Continental express.

We'll screw them to get your package there on time.

- All right, that was mine.

That was mine, that was mine.

All right, that was mine!

- That was not yours.

I've worked my tail off on this account.

- Hey, hey, hey. - Drucker.

- On the ad scene today, Charles f. Drucker.

A man who has single-handedly changed

the face of advertising.

- Well, Larry, it's really the product

of many years of personal research.

Total honesty in advertising began as a vision I had

when I was a young adman in Milwaukee.

- I don't believe that jerk.

- A man who's passionate- - I like Larry king.

- I'm talking about drucker.

He took all the credit.

- Who needs credit? - I need compact women.

Where does all this go?

- Well, Larry, the boundaries are wide-open.

We haven't explored radio yet.

Yeah, right. I don't believe it.

He's taken all the credit.

- Emory's right. They don't give us any respect at all.

- Well, we're not really working for respect, hello,

but for a sense of community and sharing.

- Hello, how are you? - Yeah, you know,

we have a purpose now.

We have things to do now,

where formerly only boredom and mania were available to us.

- They promised to take us to the ballet.

- Ballet?

Do you have any idea what those people make off us?

Who cares?

- If we stop working for them,

we'll have to go back to art therapy.

- Hey, this is wrong.

What they are doing to you is wrong.

- Oh, I hate art therapy. I hate art.

I hate those little figurines.

I also hate vinyl.

Am I off the point here?

- You would not believe how far.

- Hello, you know, hello, I mean, I mean,

I mean, could, could Emory have a point?

Hello, how's it hanging?

- Do I have a point? What do you mean?

Of course I have a point.

Those people are taking advantage of you,

and something has to be done.

Yes, yes, yes!

- We can't just. - All right.

- All right. - Folks.

We're shit.

We're nobodies in the big parade.

We got lucky.

Making noise at this point's just not worth it.

- You are not shit, and you are not nobodies.

And you shouldn't let anyone treat you like you are.

- But I don't wanna rock the boat.

We've got too much to lose.

- I don't wanna lose any stuff.

- Emory, please.

Don't rock the boat.

- So it is with great personal satisfaction

that Charles f. Drucker and associates presents you

with a token of overwhelming recognition.

- Oh! - Pens.

- Somewhat fancy ballpoint pens.

- Pens? What the fuck are we gonna do with pens?

- I already have a pen. It's a bic.

- I have a question.

- Okay, uh, why don't we all just save questions

for the end of the- - shut the fuck up, Steve.

- He decided to rock the boat.

- Are you telling me that after all they've done,

you're giving them pens?

Last night you sat in front of millions of people on TV.

You sat and had the gall-

- it would not have been appropriate

to attribute our success in public

to inmates in a mental institution.

- Why not? It's true, isn't it?

My god, you've been lying to people so long

you don't even know the difference anymore.

- Emory's right.

These little black pens with gold trim

don't spell any real kind of thank-you to me.

- Yeah!

- This was designed as an experiment in psychiatry.

Financial compensation was never-

- oh, this is not about money.

This is about generosity of spirit.

They worked hard. They struggled for you.

- Right. - Yeah.

- You have to give them something

that shows you appreciate what they've done.

I wanna know what you're gonna give them.

Give it, give it, give it.

- Yeah, we wanna know when. - What are we gonna get?

Notice.

I'm giving you notice. You're all fired.

Let's get out of here now.

- Fired? - Now!

- Not smart.

- I object. What about my ballet tickets?

Sir.

- What happened? What happened?

Did that just happen? Hello?

What went down?

- Emory, I think you did the right thing.

Everyone really appreciates it, underneath.

- Way to go, shit box.

- That was brilliant, shit box.

- We're back to art therapy again, shit box.

- Way underneath.

- It can't be that difficult.

All we have to do is find the compelling truth

in each product.

- Okay. How about this?

"Try this shampoo. It's fantastic."

- It's boring, not true.

- Okay, so then we just say

that it'll do certain great things for your hair.

- It doesn't do anything for anybody's hair.

It robs hair of body. All shampoos do.

- How about if we just say

"it robs your hair of body, but please use it anyway"?

- Get the aspirin. - All right.

Forget the shampoo.

Think aspirin.

"4 out of 5 pharmacists recommend it."

How do we know that?

Every aspirin says something like that, goddamn it!

I want the honesty.

- I thought we were just trying to make it sound honest.

- No, real honesty.

I want us to be really honest.

- Uh, I'm lost. - I'm completely lost.

- Honesty, goddamn it! The, the truth!

Like what you would say to your mother.

- How about “bayer aspirin. - We hope it's the best"?

- No, wrong, completely off.

Goddamn it!

Can't we just say something?

Harris.

Say something honest.

No holds barred.

- I like small boys.

God.

- About the product, you fucking idiot.

Olander.

- Sir, can I? - No.

- Um, sir, I-I didn't get a lot of sleep last night,

but I'm sure I can have something pretty honest

for you by Tuesday.

- Talk to me. Talk to me.

- Sir, I think we're dead in the water

unless we go back up there

and give them something really special.

- We are dependent on a bunch of lunatics in a nuthouse?

I don't believe this.

- Okay, we talked about Clay,

and we talked about primary colors,

and we talked about drawing

and how different people see different things

in different ways.

Bruce!

Hello.

Hello.

- Hey. Hey, you guys, hey.

- Look. - Bruce!

Look.

- No, no, no, I think you've made a mistake.

These cars do not belong here.

I cannot accept these.

Ooh.

- I gotta deliver these things.

They're paid for. They're unloaded.

I got the work sheets here.

- I can take care of this.

- No, I think you have taken care of enough around here.

- No, no, wait. No, wait, wait.

Let me just explain what happened here.

The cars were brought- - we own luxury cars.

- Oh, I hope there's a saab in there.

I currently don't see one.

- This is a mental-health facility.

Get these cars out of here.

- Hey, hey, you leave those cars right where they are.

- You understand that this business agreement

with drucker had a therapeutic purpose.

The benefits gleaned from it were to be psychological,

not financial.

- I mean, we did get pens. I love my pen.

- What the hell is going on here?

- Everyone needs some recognition for the sweat they put in.

- These people are confined.

- They can still have the cars.

I don't care if they sit in the parking lot.

They worked for the cars. They deserve 'em.

Jesus Christ, man, those cars are theirs.

- Explain our position to these people.

- I don't think I'd do a good job.

I don't agree with it.

Guys, go get 'em.

- Thanks, Dr. Baylor.

- I don't believe it. Wow.

Oh, the woodwork.

And the wheels.

Get in and drive it.

- You drive.

I've been saving this.

- Hello, mom? Guess, guess where I'm calling from.

Hello, how the hell are ya?

- I hope to god there's a saab around here somewhere.

I don't see one anywhere.

My favorite model's a '76 gle.

- You keep going on about those.

The whole world knows those cars didn't start half the time.

- They weren't sup,

they weren't supposed to start all the time.

- Okay, I'm going to run some caucasians down today.

All right.

- I don't really drive. - You'd never know it.

Hey, look out! Watch out behind you!

Hey, come on.

Whoo!

- Farewell, my darling.

Careful.

- All I ever wanted was a '76 gle.

It has a lousy blue-book value of what, 900 bucks.

What would've been the big freaking deal?

Hey. Hold on.

Get out of the Lane-way.

- Did you know that with the top-of-the-line German cars,

if you accidentally kill people, Germany pays for it?

- That's good.

- Watch out, asshole. - Pull over. Pull over.

Pull to the side.

- Get out of here, get out of here. You're jaywalking.

- Tallyho. - Hi.

Woo hoo!

- Oh. - Watch, watch out. Watch out.

- Hey, watch. - Oh!

Stop the car, Kathy!

How do I stop it? I don't.

- God. - I feel stronger now.

- Really? I mean, uh,

you think strong enough to leave?

- Maybe I can.

Maybe I should think about leaving.

Mm-hmm.

- Oh, boy. But if I did, I'd have to go slow.

I- I would have to rent an apartment or a condo.

- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. - God, that scares me.

- Condos scare millions of people every day.

- I would have to leave my brother, Adam,

a forwarding address.

I'd have to deal with the post office.

The postal workers often talk slow and garbled.

- Um, we can hire special interpreters.

- I'd have to shop.

I'd have to go to the dmv.

I'd have to go over the rules again in general.

Emory, I'm scared.

If I went out, I'd wanna know

that you would be there for me.

- I'd be there. I'd be the man standing next to you.

You'd recognize me. I'd be the one who was smiling.

- They deliver the cars?

- Yes, sir. And I think it worked.

- Okay, but that's it.

From now on, we're gonna play hardball with them.

I'm gonna negotiate separate contracts with them.

- Sir, I don't really think these people are capable.

- Oh, bullshit.

They're motivated by greed just like everybody else.

We're gonna get each one of them to think

they're being given special consideration.

They'll compete.

Output will increase, but so will our control.

They deserve pens. We gave them cars.

Fuck them. Yes.

- Excuse me?

- I said, “fuck them."

Every ad agency in this country

would like a crack at what I'm about to do.

I want you to keep these people happy and intact.

- What about Emory? - Leeson?

Get rid of him.

Your other little leprechauns will take care of everything.

J“ hello, hello, hello j“

j“ what a wonderful word j” j“ hello j“

j“ hello, hello, hello j“

j“ you can hear it wherever you go j“

- What are you doing in here?

- Kathy burgess feels she's ready to leave the hospital,

and I'm calling her brother to make arrangements.

- No, no, I don't think this is the best time for that.

- Clinically. - Well, I do.

- My medical opinion differs from yours.

- Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

This is not your medical opinion.

This is your financial opinion.

You're afraid if Kathy leaves the hospital,

the others might wanna leave too,

and that would jeopardize your relationship with drucker.

- I'm gonna ask you to leave this room now.

- Look, she has worked very hard at her recovery,

and if we don't support her now,

I feel it could seriously set her back.

Horace, I will not let you interfere with this girl.

- Sure, you will. You're off her case.

In fact, you're off everybody's case.

You just got fired, young lady.

So pack up your office, and do it quietly.

My phoning the authorities to remove you

wouldn't look too good on your resume.

J“ what a wonderful word, hello j“

We could have people over for a barbecue.

- Oh, yeah, we'd have, uh, yeah, baby back ribs.

And, uh, we could invite mort and saabs and Mr. Hsu.

- But wait a minute, wait a minute.

Don't you think they'd feel bad if we leave them behind?

They really love you.

- That's why they'd be happy for us, you know.

- Okay. - You kidding?

They'll be thrilled.

Yes, right away, sir. This copy is yours.

This has to interface with-

- hey, hsu, I've got some great news.

- I'm too busy. Talk to me in three weeks.

- Three weeks? Hey.

- The word on the second floor is that you're running dry.

- I may have a block. There never seems to be enough time.

Watch it, watch it, watch it.

- And since I agreed to sign a contract

with the drucker firm,

I'll be unable to consult with your company.

- George cartelli. - George?

- Of course, be sure to use the familiar hello

at the top of the letter.

- Uh. - And at the bottom.

I can't read his name.

- Hey, Bruce. - Huh? Oh, I'm on the phone.

- I got something to tell you.

- Fax it.

- You're ready to leave.

In fact, I personally can't wait.

But you're not taking anyone with you.

- Kathy wants to leave.

- No, no. She's not going anywhere.

She needs to be here. She knows it.

- She can be released by appearing

before a patients review board.

- Correct, and based on my evaluation,

she's not even ready to appear.

- Well, then maybe it's time

to get Dr. Baylor's evaluation.

- You might be right, only Dr. Baylor

is no longer employed here.

- You're quite a son of a bitch.

- You can't do this to Kathy.

I'll contact her family.

You know you can't do this to someone who has family.

- Family? What family?

Her brother.

Are you going to contact her brother?

Did she show you those letters?

From her brother?

In the army?

She wrote those herself.

- You know that isn't true.

- You're not the first person she's fooled.

You're not the first person she's sought help from.

You're not the first male patient

she's brought to her special place.

Did you write the letters or not?

- Well, I certainly don't think so.

You don't think so?

- I-I have a brother, okay?

He'll be flying in somehow to take me away.

- Oh wow, this is sounding harder to believe than ever.

Why didn't you say it like this before?

- Because.

There are some things I'm not sure of.

As years pass here, you do begin to wonder what's real.

I didn't wanna take the chance of expressing that to you.

Everybody's always so sure of everything.

Certainty is bullshit. Everybody's just hoping.

Did you promise other guys

that you would leave with them?

- Why do I have to dignify these accusations with answers?

- Why? Kathy, because you,

you made an impact in my life.

Because you made me hopeful.

- Do you have any idea how much you're hurting me?

- Well, what about me, Kathy?

You, you've been asking me to pin my hopes

on a fictitious situation.

A brother who was scheduled to fly in on wings

- and whisk you away. - I did not say wings.

I never said wings.

- You're not waiting for anyone, are you?

You're staying here.

- Don't look at me like I lied to you.

Hoping and believing is not lying.

You said you cared for me.

But if you care for somebody, you trust them.

They confused me here.

And anybody who commits to me is gonna have to realize that.

- I got it. I got it. - Thanks.

- Hi, um, I hear you're gonna leave.

- I don't like the idea. - You can't go, Emory.

- We just found out we're pitching

a very special client tomorrow.

- Which is why we haven't been able

to spend any great deal of time with you.

- Emory's leaving.

- I'm sorry I called you shit box.

- Mr. Drucker said if we win this account,

we'll all be eligible for bonds and stock options.

- Yes, and I heard that they may throw in some licorice.

- Hello. I wanna go with you.

- Well, you can't, George.

- But I'm already packed.

Hello, how's the family?

- I-I-I-I can't take anyone with me.

- Hey, don't go, em.

I don't think I can handle this creatively.

- Baylor's gone. You're gone.

No, this make me way too sad.

- Well, I-I thought

i- I'd found a woman I could love

and, you know, who, uh,

who I could believe in,

but, but the whole thing just fell through, I guess.

So.

- Don't go, em. We love you.

And if you attempt to leave, we will try and kill you.

- Bye, Manny.

- Here's a gift. It's a comb. - Oh.

- It's plastic. - Manny.

- It's the rearview mirror from my BMW.

I- I yanked it off.

I- I'd like you to have it.

- Look at that. That's great, Bruce, thank you.

That's... here.

It's, it's a hello box.

Inside you'll find about 119 hellos.

They should last you well into the summer.

- If you need some more, we can send them out ups.

- I'm gonna miss you guys. Thanks.

Okay, we can go now, I think. See you.

Oh, god.

Oh.

God.

God.

- Bennington hospital. - Kathy burgess, please.

I'm sorry, it's after hours, sir.

- This is very important.

Her calls are being referred

to Dr. Koch's office.

I'll connect you.

Directory assistance.

- Uh, Dr. Elizabeth baylor, please.

What area is that in, sir?

- Um, I-I don't know,

but we're gonna start looking for this number,

and we're not gonna stop until we get very old.

- Ladies and gentlemen,

this is Mr. Yumio yamashita,

who represents the Sony corporation,

which is perhaps the most powerful consumer-electronics firm

on this planet.

We welcome them this morning.

- Thank you for having us here,

gentlemen and lady.

It is your honest approach to advertising

that has caught the world's attention.

- Your lunatics look a little crappy this morning.

Isn't there something medical you can give them

to spice them up a little bit?

- American products.

We are looking forward to seeing

how you have tailored your approach to work for us.

Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you.

George?

That means let's go.

- “Hello, babe. We're Sony.

How's it going?"

- Killer.

- What is that? - Not sure.

- Get him off of there.

Sorry, uh, this is for something else, not Sony.

Yeah. Bruce?

Sony, gurm.

- It's not totally fleshed out yet.

It's better if you do that.

- Uh, this - Happens with lunatics.

Sometimes you get a little craziness.

Um, it's, uh, all part of the charm.

What the hell is this?

You! Get up there.

Ah, Sony. Sony.

- Sony.

Bony.

- What, what the hell is this thing, huh?

- He's, he's comparing. - Uh, I'm lost.

- Gentlemen, you are wasting my time.

- Get the hell out there after them.

I thought you said you were on top of this, goddamn it.

These people are dysfunctional.

Well, you better hope that they glow tomorrow morning,

and you better pray that I get this company back here.

- You heard him.

We want the old stuff, and fast.

You've got until tomorrow.

- No.

That's right, I said no.

First you got rid of Dr. Baylor.

Then you got rid of Emory.

You lied to them, to me and all of us.

I don't like it here anymore.

- That's unfortunate, 'cause you're not going anywhere.

You're crazy. Crazy people stay here.

So if you don't come up with the best ads I've ever seen,

I'm gonna have you broken up

and reassigned to an institution

that doesn't get too much sunlight.

- You know, in about 50 minutes,

there's gonna be an awful lot of military personnel

wondering where the hell this chopper is.

- We'll have it back.

It's my sister, man, it's an emergency.

Hey, where do you think she might be?

- Try the area around that little barn.

- Adam!

I knew it. Oh, Adam.

- Are you okay?

- I-I-I guess so.

How'd you know where to find me?

- You got some very good friends.

- Do you forgive me?

Surprise!

So you believe me?

- Hey! George! - Hello!

It's real. It's real.

It's, it's real.

- What are you talking about? - Something's real.

- What? - It's good.

- Look. Look, there they are.

Hey, come on, come on.

Hey, Emory.

- Oh, hey! Hey!

- Come on. - Wow, that's real.

- Hey, George, go get your case.

Come on! Come on, George!

- Yeah! - Inside window!

- Put the belt on.

Okay, everybody ready?

Take it up, okay?

- Hello. - Good to see ya.

- Good bye. - Goodbye.

- Bye. - Goodbye.

- Goodbye! Goodbye! - Whoa!

- Goodbye, you knuckleheads!

I guess we lost that job, huh?

- Hey. Hey, we can create our own company, of course.

- Really? - All right.

- But we can't, hello.

We, we don't know how to write ads anymore.

- Of course we can.

We can do whatever the heck we want.

- Yeah. We just need to get a client.

- Yeah. Yeah.

- Okay, well, let's work on that Sony ad.

- Uh, what can we say about Sony?

What can we say about the Japanese?

Yeah, let's start now.

- Um, um, um. - They're rich.

- No, no, no.

- The Japanese. Japanese, Japanese.

- The Japanese. They're short.

So their eyes are closer to the electronic components

than many other nationalities'.

Caucasians are too tall and gangly.

Look how far away the Caucasian workers' eyes are

from the integrated circuitry.

That's why Sony products are better.

Sony. Because caucasians are just too damn tall.