Original subtitles

♪♪

(woman) ♪ WHAT IS THIS THING ♪

♪ CALLED LOVE? ♪

♪ THIS FUNNY THING ♪

♪ CALLED LOVE ♪

♪ JUST WHO CAN SOLVE ♪

♪ ITS MYSTERY? ♪

♪ WHY SHOULD IT MAKE ♪

♪ A FOOL OF ME? ♪

♪ I SAW YOU THERE ♪

♪ THAT WONDERFUL DAY ♪

♪ YOU TOOK MY LOVE ♪

♪ AND THREW IT AWAY ♪

♪ AND SO I ASK THE LORD ♪

♪ IN HEAVEN ABOVE ♪

♪ WHAT IS THIS THING ♪

♪ CALLED LOVE? ♪

♪ CALLED LOVE ♪

♪♪

MM. MM.

MM.

HEY.

(chuckles)

MY ASS HAS BEEN COMPARED TO A HILLOCK IN UMBRIA

ON A SUMMER EVENING.

(chuckles)

WHOEVER TOLD YOU THAT WANTED TO FUCK YOU IN THE ASS.

EVERYBODY DOES. I'M A LAWYER.

MM. MM.

MM.

HMM.

HEY. (laughs)

ACCIDENT.

(laughs)

THE BUDDHISTS SAY THERE ARE NO ACCIDENTS,

ASIDE FROM THOSE ORANGE MUUMUUS THEY WEAR.

MM.

HMM.

WHAT? YOU KNOW YOU HAVE REALLY FANTASTIC FEATURES?

I THINK...

YOU COULD HANDLE...

A MOUSTACHE.

(giggles)

(laughs)

(laughs)

I LIKE IT.

DOES THAT TURN YOU ON?

MM.

DO YOU WANT TO BE WITH A GUY?

(groans) HMM?

(both moan)

(both panting)

OH. (laughs)

MM.

(gasps)

(moans)

OH.

(grunts)

(pants)

(moans)

OH! (pants)

(grunts)

(pants)

OH.

MM. (kisses)

OH. OH, MY G-- (gasps)

(moaning)

OHH!

(moaning)

(pants)

(groans)

(exhales)

COME HERE OFTEN, MISTER?

(laughs) I WILL NOW.

(laughs)

MM.

HMM.

SOMETHING I THREW TOGETHER.

IT'S MY FAVORITE. YEAH, IT'S VERY BOLD.

I'VE SEEN BRUSH STROKES LIKE THAT IN...

FISCHL.

(chuckles) FISCHL?

(laughs) GET OUTTA HERE.

(laughs)

WELL, IF YOU LIKE IT THAT MUCH, IT'S YOURS.

YOU'RE KIDDING.

(chuckles) NO, I'M SERIOUS.

YOU JUST SLID YOUR TONGUE UP MY ASS.

OH.

A PAINTING IS A MINOR GESTURE OF GRATITUDE.

MM. MM.

OH. OH, I GOTTA GO.

(grunts) I'M MEETING ABIGAIL AT THE BANK.

IS IT BRING A LESBIAN, GET AN iPod DAY?

OH, THAT'S-- THAT'S HILARIOUS.

NO, SHE'S EXPANDING THE BUSINESS,

SO I'M LENDING HER $10,000.

WELL, THAT'S NICE.

I'LL RACE YOU TO THE SHOWER.

OH, WAIT--YOU--

(laughs) (grunts)

NICE.

GOOD VIEWS MAKE A BUILDING...

ASSUMING I BUILT IT.

(laughs)

SO, MASON, ARTHUR TELLS ME

YOU MAY BE CO-VENTURING ON THAT WYOMING CASINO.

WE'RE, UH, POWWOWING.

IF IT GETS SERIOUS, I'LL PULL YOU RIGHT IN.

ALL RIGHT.

CONTRACTS FOR THE LAHAINA VILLAS.

SIGN WHEREVER THERE'S A... (clicks pen)

YELLOW TAB.

I LIKE THAT PAINTING...

A LOT.

YEAH, ME, TOO.

WANT TO SELL IT?

NO.

WELL...

NO IS THE NEW YES.

$10,000.

IT'S NOT FOR SALE.

IT WAS GIVEN TO ME BY SOMEONE VERY SPECIAL.

HMM.

$15,000.

YOU SEE THOSE BRUSH STROKES RIGHT THERE?

IT'S VERY FISCHL.

$25,000.

MM.

I'LL DO $20,000.

MAKE IT OUT TO THE ARTIST.

ELIZABETH CAMPANO.

(clicks pen) HMM. ARE YOU FRIENDS?

FRIENDLY.

♪♪

(exhales)

OH.

AM I DISTRACTING YOU?

YEAH. (chuckles)

(giggles)

AHH.

♪♪

OHH.

♪♪

OHH.

OH, G-GOD.

(gasps)

OHH.

(exhales)

(exhales deeply)

YUM. (giggles)

♪♪

MMM. A MAN CAN NEVER HAVE TOO MUCH FELLATIO.

THAT IS SOMETHING MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME.

THAT IS ONE... GREAT WOMAN.

(laughs) I NEED YOU TO DO A FAVOR FOR ME, SWEETIE.

WILL YOU READ SOMETHING THAT I WROTE? YEAH, SURE. WHAT?

WELL, I'M GIVING THE KICKOFF SPEECH IN COPENHAGEN

FOR THE SCANDINAVIAN ASSOCIATION OF COFFEE VENDORS.

OUR FIRM HAS DESIGNED 15 ESPRESSO BARS

IN DENMARK THIS YEAR.

JUST WATCH OUT FOR THOSE GUYS IN GRINDERS.

ANIMALS.

(laughs) WELL, THEY'RE STREAMING MY SPEECH ONLINE,

AND I HAVE MEMORIZED IT

DOWN TO THE COMMA, THE PAUSE, EVERYTHING.

I'M A LITTLE ANAL THAT WAY,

AS YOU MAY RECALL FROM LAST WEEKEND.

HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY. I'M TRYING TO DRIVE HERE.

CAN I DO IT FOR YOU RIGHT NOW?

YEAH. I'M A CAPTIVE AUDIENCE.

OKAY. SO...

I TROT UP ON THE STAGE WITH LOTS OF ENERGY.

LOVE TROTTING. IT'S AUSPICIOUS.

MM. I MAKE EYE CONTACT WITH THE CROWD,

WEARING DOLCE & GABBANA, OF COURSE. OH, PLEASE.

I SWEEP THE ROOM WITH A CONSPIRATORIAL SMILE

AND I SAY... UH-HUH.

OH, GOD. I'M A LITTLE EXCITED RIGHT NOW.

♪♪

GIVE ME YOUR HAND.

(exhales deeply)

♪♪

AHH. OHH.

(inhales sharply)

(exhales deeply)

(pants and moans)

AHH. AH.

MM. (moans)

(exhales deeply)

(pants)

(chuckles)

MY THUMB JUST CAME.

(chuckles)

(indistinct conversations)

HEY.

PRESTON, HOW GOES IT?

IT GOES, BROTHER.

IT'S THE MIDDLE OF THE DAY. WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

I'M A RESIDENT OF THE PLANET. I GO WHERE I WISH.

I GOT SOMETHING FOR YOU.

20 GRAND? FOR WHAT?

WHO'S--WHO'S THIS GUY?

HE'S A CLIENT,

A SERIOUS ART COLLECTOR WHO FELL IN LOVE WITH YOUR PAINTING

AND WROTE THAT CHECK. OH.

GIVE IT BACK.

YOU WALKIN' PAST 20 GRAND? THANK YOU.

I'M GONNA GO CHECK THE SIREN.

(coughs)

THAT PAINTING WAS A GIFT, MICHAEL.

I DON'T SELL WHAT MATTERS TO ME.

THAT'S MORE YOUR LINE OF WORK.

LIZ, YOU'RE BEING RIDICULOUS.

IT WAS FOR A PAINTING YOU JUST HANDED OVER TO ME

BECAUSE IT WASN'T A BIG DEAL TO YOU.

EVERYTHING I PAINT IS A BIG DEAL TO ME.

I WANT THE FUCKING PAINTING BACK.

YOU SAID IT WAS MINE.

ERGO, I CAN DO WHAT I WANT WITH IT.

ERGO, GO FUCK YOURSELF.

OH.

I'LL DEAL WITH IT MY OWN WAY.

(opens door)

MEANING WHAT?

HEY.

(engine turns over)

MEANING WHAT?!

YOU LOOK A GIFT HORSE IN THE MOUTH,

YOU'RE A FUCKING MORON.

(knock on door)

UH, YES, OFFICER. IS THERE A PROBLEM?

I WANT MY PAINTING BACK.

YOU'RE ELIZABETH, THEN.

RIGHT THIS WAY.

HERE'S YOUR CHECK.

I SHOULD PROBABLY POINT OUT, FOR LEGAL REASONS,

THAT IT'S NOT YOURS.

I BOUGHT IT, AND IF YOU TRY TO LEAVE WITH IT,

THAT TECHNICALLY WOULD BE A CRIME,

AND I WOULD BE FORCED TO DO SOMETHING TO PROTECT MY RIGHTS.

MAYBE EVEN CALL THE POLICE... (chuckles)

IRONICALLY.

I DIDN'T APPROVE THE SALE.

THAT MAKES THIS TRANSACTION FRAUD.

OH. WHY DO YOU WANT IT BACK?

I DON'T SELL WHAT I CREATE.

WELL, I'D ENCOURAGE YOU TO RECONSIDER.

I GAVE YOU YOUR CHECK. WE'RE EVEN.

I'M TAKING MY PAINTING.

IF YOU WANT YOUR PAINTING BACK,

IT WILL COST YOU...

$25,000.

ART APPRECIATES.

YOU FUCKING THIEF. I CAN ARREST YOU FOR--

FOR WHAT? YOU OBVIOUSLY DON'T UNDERSTAND

THE MERCURIAL ECONOMY OF THE ART WORLD.

I COULD FILL YOU IN OVER DINNER.

MM. INTERESTING.

I HAVE A BETTER IDEA.

HMM?

(exhales) NOW WE'RE EVEN.

OH, AND I'LL PASS ON DINNER.

(whispering) OH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

(exhales)

(normal voice) OH, MY GOD.

OH, YEAH. FUCK, YEAH, BABY.

OH, GOD.

OH, MY GOD.

(exhales)

OHH. OH, MY GOD.

MM. YEP. OKAY, YEAH, LIKE THAT.

OH, GOD, YES. DON'T STOP. DON'T FUCKING STOP.

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

OH, GOD! OH, MY GOD!

YEAH. FUCK, YEAH.

OHH. (pants)

OOH. OKAY, OKAY, OKAY, OKAY, OKAY.

(chuckles)

MM. MM.

OH, FUCK.

OH, FUCK. OH.

(chuckles)

THAT WAS-- THAT WAS A GOOD ONE. (laughs)

(telephone rings)

DAMN.

GO AHEAD.

HELLO. (man) Hey, Abigail.

IT'S ME, HIGHWAY.

HIGHWAY? YOU'RE OUT?

Almost.

LIZ AROUND?

(laughs) NO. SHE'S ON SHIFT.

What are you up to?

UH, UH, YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW. (laughs)

WELL, THAT'LL GET ME THROUGH THE NIGHT.

DO ME A FAVOR, WOULD YOU?

TELL LIZZIE I CALLED.

AND, UH...

TELL HER I WAS THINKING ABOUT HER.

UH...

HIGHWAY.

MM. THAT'S TROUBLE.

YOU THINK I SHOULD SAY IT THAT WAY?

IT'S FUNNY. WHY NOT?

MM. I DON'T KNOW.

IT SEEMS TOO EDGY.

IT MIGHT PISS THEM OFF.

AND THEY'RE DRINKING A LOT OF COFFEE.

IT COULD GET UGLY.

UGLY IS FUN.

SAY IT WITH CONVICTION, THEY'LL LOVE IT.

(cell phone rings)

HOLD ON A SEC, JOCE.

(ring)

TRUST ME. IT'LL KILL.

HOW'S IT GOING, MASON?

WHAT?

I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT THIS.

DID IT EVER OCCUR TO YOU,

THERE'S SOMEWHERE BETWEEN ZERO AND 90?

DID YOU HAVE TO DESTROY THAT BEAUTIFUL PAINTING?

IF IT WAS SO BEAUTIFUL, WHY DID YOU SELL IT?

I'M SORRY, LIZ.

I WAS JUST TRYING TO HELP.

YOU KNOW, THERE'S A LOT THAT'S RIGHT WITH THIS WORLD...

A LOT OF GOOD SHIT WORTH PAYING FOR.

FUN WITH FAMILY AND FRIENDS,

WHAT'S THAT WORTH?

PLENTY, RIGHT?

THAT'S WHY I BOUGHT FANTASY YACHTS.

FANTASY YACHTS.

DON'T YOU JUST LOVE THE WAY THOSE TWO WORDS GO TOGETHER?

WE DO IT ALL-- ANNIVERSARIES, BIRTHDAYS,

GRADUATIONS, FUNERALS.

(laughs)

I SHOULD BE WEARING A SANDWICH BOARD,

PARADING UP AND DOWN THE DOCKS.

BUT I'M THINKING VERY SERIOUSLY OF USING CHANTAL

AS MY ON-CAMERA SPOKESPERSON...

IF I CAN...

GET HER TO PUT ON A TOP.

OR NOT.

IT'S ALL ABOUT FUN AND GLAMOUR, RIGHT?

(chuckles)

NOW...

ON THE NECESSITY SIDE OF THE FENCE,

WHEN DID IT BECOME OKAY

TO CHARGE $5 FOR A CUP OF COFFEE

OR A GALLON OF GAS, FOR THAT MATTER?

AND HOW 'BOUT THE COST OF MAJOR LEAGUE PUSSY?

WHICH IS WHAT THIS IS REALLY ALL ABOUT.

DO YOU KNOW THE GOVERNOR OF NEW YORK

PAID 4 GRAND AN HOUR FOR A HOOKER?

A HOOKER!

THERE WAS A TIME WHEN A GUY RUNNING FOR

THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES

COULD BALL MARILYN MONROE FOR FREE.

WHERE THE FUCK DID WE GO WRONG?

Michael, I know you're there.

Michael! I need to talk to you.

(sighs) Shit. Call me.

(computer chirps)

THE WOMAN IS DETERMINED.

YEAH, SHE'S GOTTA BE PISSED.

I SAW HER SPEECH STREAMED ONLINE.

EVERY WORD I WROTE TANKED.

NOT ONE LAUGH.

MM-HMM. A CRISIS WHICH ONLY BARELY INTERESTS ME.

(chuckles)

WHAT'S REALLY BOTHERING YOU, MICHAEL?

I CAN SEE IT IN YOUR... SQUINTY, FARAWAY EYES.

I FUCKED UP WITH LIZ, TOO.

SHE GAVE ME A PAINTING,

AND I SOLD IT TO MASON FOR 20 GRAND.

AND THE PROBLEM WOULD BE?

SHE DOESN'T SELL HER ART. I JUST--I DON'T GET HER.

OH, WELL, YOU'RE MAKING

THE FIRST CARDINAL ERROR OF ROMANCE.

NEVER TRY TO UNDERSTAND YOUR LOVER.

THEY ARE ENTITLED TO BEING NEEDLESSLY VAGUE.

I THOUGHT I WAS BEING HELPFUL.

THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT MY BROTHER SAID

RIGHT BEFORE HIS WIFE

CHAIN-SAWED HIS '67 CORVETTE IN HALF

BECAUSE HE HELPFULLY SUGGESTED THAT SHE BLEACH HER TEETH.

CARDINAL ERROR NUMBER TWO-- UNSOLICITED HELPING.

CARDINAL ERROR NUMBER THREE--

I'M GOOD WITH TWO, LUTHER.

ARE YOU SURE? THERE ARE 56 OF THEM.

WHAT'S ALL THIS? PEACE OFFERING.

HMM. COME IN.

LOOK, I MIGHT HAVE BEEN A LITTLE HARSH WITH YOU.

REALLY?

(chuckles) I'M A COP,

SOMETIMES WHEN I SHOULDN'T BE.

BUT BELIEVE IT OR NOT,

I DON'T USUALLY PUT MY FIST THROUGH MY PAINTINGS.

(chuckles) I ACCEPT YOUR APOLOGY.

SO...

UM...

WHICH ONE WOULD YOU LIKE?

UH...

(sighs)

I LIKE THEM ALL.

BUT THIS ONE... UH, THE MOST.

YOU SURE?

I'M POSITIVE.

THEN IT'S YOURS.

WELL...

I'M GOING TO PUT IT OUT OF PUNCHING RANGE,

IF YOU DON'T MIND.

(laughs)

IS ANYBODY HANDLING YOU--

AN AGENT, UH, A GALLERY WHERE YOU SHOW?

I DO THIS JUST FOR ME.

UM, I'D LIKE THAT PAINTING BACK.

THIS ONE? NO. I'M KEEPING THIS.

WHY? IT--IT'S GOT A-- IT'S GOT A HOLE IN THE MIDDLE.

UH, THAT'S NOT A HOLE.

THAT'S A PERSONAL STATEMENT.

AND ONE DAY, WHEN ELIZABETH CAMPANO

IS A FAMOUS PAINTER,

IT'S GONNA BE WORTH A FORTUNE.

(laughs) KEEP DREAMING.

MM. UH, YOU PUNCHED YOUR NAME OUT.

WOULD YOU SIGN IT AGAIN?

(chuckles)

(whispers) OKAY.

I'D STILL LIKE TO HAVE THAT DINNER SOMETIME.

I KNOW.

(Jocelyn) Michael?

Michael.

Michael, I know you're there.

(groans)

(inhales sharply)

(exhales)

HEY, JOCE.

So I guess you saw it.

YEAH, I DID.

What did you think?

MORE IMPORTANTLY, WHAT DID YOU THINK?

You really want to know?

I have two words for you, Michael--

grand slam.

(laughs) They loved it.

THEY DID? I THOUGHT MY SUGGESTIONS RUINED YOUR SPEECH.

I DIDN'T HEAR ANY LAUGHTER.

Grand fucking slam.

(speaks foreign language)

OLAF.

HE, UH, HE IS FRENCH ROAST IN COPENHAGEN.

GOTTA LOVE THOSE ROLLICKING DANES.

I'M A SMASH, AND I OWE IT ALL TO YOU.

YOU ARE WRITING ALL OF MY SPEECHES FROM NOW ON.

Oh, um, yeah.

(speaks foreign language)

That's "I love you" in Danish.

(kisses)

(doorbell rings)

OH. WELL, I LOVE YOU, TOO. I GOTTA GO.

THAT'S... THAT'S "GOTTA GO" IN ENGLISH.

BYE.

POLICE BUSINESS. TURN AROUND, SIR.

WHAT'S THIS ALL ABOUT?

ILLICIT SUBSTANCES. WE RECEIVED A TIP.

I'M AFRAID I'M GONNA HAVE TO STRIP SEARCH YOU.

ASSUME THE POSITION, MR. STRATHMORE.

OH.

DO YOU HAVE A LICENSE FOR THIS CONCEALED WEAPON?

NOT IN THIS STATE.

(chuckles)

AND WHICH STATE WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE IN?

(both moaning)

(both moaning)

AHH.

(grunts and gasps)

(moans)

(grunting)

I THOUGHT YOU WERE MAD AT ME.

OH, I'M ALWAYS MAD AT YOU.

BUT I'M ALSO ALWAYS CRAZY ABOUT YOU.

(grunts)

I THOUGHT ABOUT WHAT YOU SAID.

AND I MADE IT RIGHT WITH MASON.

OHH! I GAVE HIM ANOTHER PAINTING. (moaning)

WHICH ONE? ANOTHER OIL.

(groans)

THE NUDE?

HE WANTED IT. DOES THAT BOTHER YOU?

(gasps) A LOT.

(chuckles) GOOD. (inhales sharply) OHH!

(both panting)

KISS ME. MM.

(both moaning)

(both) OHH.

OHH. OH. OHH. OHH.

AHH.

OH.

ON THE OTHER HAND, JUST BECAUSE SOMEONE GIVES YOU A GIFT HORSE

DOESN'T MEAN IT'S NOT GONNA RUN AWAY.

ABIGAIL LET ME IN.

YOU'VE GOT REAL TALENT, LIZ.

THERE'S NOT MUCH OF THAT IN THIS WORLD.

LET'S NOT TALK ABOUT THIS ANY MORE, OKAY?

DEAL.

ANYWAY, IT'S GENETIC.

MY GRANDMOTHER WAS A PAINTER.

SHE TAUGHT ME EVERYTHING.

SHE WAS AN AMAZING WOMAN.

I WISH I HAD MET HER.

I ADORED HER.

SHE TRAVELED ALL OVER THE WORLD BY HERSELF...

WHEN WOMEN DIDN'T DO THAT.

AND EVERYWHERE SHE WENT,

SHE'D BRING BACK A MEMENTO.

WHEN SHE DIED...

MY PARENTS SOLD...

EVERYTHING.

UGH.

JUST LIKE THAT.

AND ALL I GOT TO KEEP

WAS A SNOW GLOBE FROM ICELAND.

SO FORGIVE ME IF I DON'T EASILY SELL THINGS

THAT MATTER TO ME.

DO YOU WANT ME TO GO?

♪♪

(both moaning)

(grunts)

(laughs)

(grunts) GOD.

(gasps and moans)

(moaning)

(moans)

(gasps) OH, GOD. I MISSED YOU.

(moaning)

(moaning) AHH!

(both grunting)

(gasps) OH, MY--OHH!

(both panting)

(laughs)

(kisses)

(moans)

(chuckles)

♪♪