Original subtitles

♪

(woman) ♪ WHAT IS THIS THING ♪

♪ CALLED LOVE? ♪

♪ THIS FUNNY THING ♪

♪ CALLED LOVE ♪

♪ JUST WHO CAN SOLVE ♪

♪ ITS MYSTERY? ♪

♪ WHY SHOULD IT MAKE ♪

♪ A FOOL OF ME? ♪

♪ I SAW YOU THERE ♪

♪ THAT WONDERFUL DAY ♪

♪ YOU TOOK MY LOVE ♪

♪ AND THREW IT AWAY ♪

♪ AND SO I ASK THE LORD ♪

♪ IN HEAVEN ABOVE ♪

♪ WHAT IS THIS THING ♪

♪ CALLED LOVE? ♪

♪ CALLED LOVE ♪

(both moaning)

(moaning continues)

(moaning continues)

(both panting)

SO...

A DRAGON.

IT'S LIKE A... BIKER BITCH CHOICE.

WHAT DOES IT EAT?

MEN'S DREAMS.

UH-HUH.

WHAT?

OH. THIS IS NOT THE JOCELYN I KNOW.

YOU DID THIS ON A WHIM?

WELL, MAYBE YOU LIKE THE JOCELYN YOU DON'T KNOW

BETTER THAN THE ONE YOU DO.

BEFORE I RESPOND, WHICH ONE AM I TALKING TO RIGHT NOW?

YOU'RE ASKING THE WRONG PERSON. I AM NOT EVEN HERE.

I AM IN A PLACE OF BLISS.

THAT'S WHAT YOU DO TO ME, MICHAEL.

MMM.

(moaning)

(doorbell rings)

FUCK. (sighs) MY MOTHER.

SHE'S HALF AN HOUR EARLY.

IT'S 7:45. WHAT'S SHE DOING HERE?

I TOLD YOU. SHE'S TAKING ME ON A SPA WEEKEND IN SAN DIEGO.

I'M NOT LIFTING A FINGER UNTIL SUNDAY.

BET YOUR MOTHER WILL FEEL RIGHT AT HOME WITH THAT DRAGON.

(growls)

HEY.

(both moaning)

GO.

OH. THANK YOU.

THANKS.

(grunts, clears throat)

YOU ALL RIGHT, LUTHER?

OH, YES. JUST... REACTING TO THE PRICES OF THESE ENTREES.

$125 FOR A STEAK?

RELAX, LUTHER.

YOU'RE GOING TO EXPENSE THIS TO MY FATHER ANYWAY.

WELL, I TAKE UMBRAGE.

I WONDER WHAT THEY CHARGE FOR THAT.

IT'S KOBE BEEF, LUTHER. MM-HMM.

IT'S GENTLY YET THOROUGHLY MASSAGED BY HAND,

AND SOMETIMES EVEN BY FOOT.

MM, MM, MM.

FOOT, HUH?

OH, THAT'S REMARKABLE, DON'T YOU THINK, LUTHER?

(giggles) OH, YES.

(chuckles)

LUTHER. (speaking Javanese)

(speaking Javanese)

(grunting, continues speaking Javanese)

UHH.

WHAT LANGUAGE IS THAT YOU'RE SPEAKING, LUTHER?

IT'S JAVANESE.

UH, YOU MEAN... JAPANESE.

NO, JAVANESE. FROM JAVA.

AH, AND, UM, WHAT DO WE KNOW OF JAVA?

IT'S WHERE THE LEGENDARY FOSSIL OF JAVA MAN WAS FOUND.

OH, FANTASTIC.

I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE SUCH A FOSSIL BUFF, DARLING.

(both chuckle)

GO ON, LUTHER.

FOR... GOD SAKES. ELABORATE. WELL...

WELL, TO NO ONE'S SURPRISE,

AND GIVEN THE ABUNDANT RAINFALL,

THE RICE FIELDS IN JAVA ARE AMONG THE...

WETTEST IN THE WORLD.

REALLY? HOW WET?

SOAKING.

SOAKING. (whimpers)

(laughs) OKAY, WELL, HONEY, LET'S GET SOME BEEF, HUH?

(dish clatters)

THAT DINNER WENT ON FUCKING FOREVER.

I THOUGHT LUTHER WOULD NEVER SHUT UP ABOUT JAVA.

LIKE I GIVE A BROWN DOUGHNUT.

YOU KNOW WHAT WAS THE BEST TIME OF MY MARRIAGE TO PEMMIE?

THE YEAR SHE WAS IN PRISON FOR TAX EVASION.

MY COCK FINALLY GOT A BREAK.

THE WOMAN IS INSATIABLE.

SHE'LL GRIND ANY MAN DOWN LIKE A PIECE OF WOOD ON A LATHE.

BEFORE I MET HER, I REALLY LOVED SEX.

BUT SHE JUST WORE ME OUT.

SO WHY DO I STAY WITH HER?

(chuckles)

'CAUSE WE GOT SOMETHING TOGETHER.

DO NOT MENTION THIS TO MY COCK.

SHE'S DRIVING MUCH CALMER SINCE THE ANGER MANAGEMENT CLASSES.

YOU ACTUALLY ASKED TO COME ON A RIDE-ALONG?

DID YOU KNOW SHE WAS DRIVING?

MICHAEL WANTED TO SEE WHAT I DO WHEN WE'RE NOT TOGETHER

TRYING TO KILL EACH OTHER.

(speaking indistinctly)

HEY, PRESTON.

THE BIG GUY-- ISN'T THAT LINDELL?

FUCKHEAD NEVER LEARNS.

DOWN, MICHAEL, DOWN!

(siren wailing)

(tires screech)

YOU GET LINDELL. I'LL GET HECKLE AND JECKLE.

STOP, OR I'LL SHOOT!

(gunshot)

LIZ!

STAY IN THE CAR!

(panting)

HEY, HEY, HEY! JEEZ!

DIDN'T I TELL YOU TO STAY IN THE CAR?

OHH!

RELAX. (laughs) I'M NOT DEAD.

UNIT 407, WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN.

PUT SOME PRESSURE ON THE WOUND RIGHT HERE.

RIGHT THERE.

STAY HERE. I'LL GUIDE THE AMBULANCE IN.

(panting)

YOU GLAD YOU CAME? (panting)

PUT SOME PRESSURE DOWN THERE. (groaning)

N-NOT SO HARD.

OKAY. ARE YOU OKAY?

ME? NEVER BETTER.

JUST A FLESH WOUND. (laughs)

(siren wailing in distance)

(gasps)

(seagulls crying)

HEY.

OH.

MMM.

MMM. MMM.

HOW YOU DOING?

FINE.

YEAH?

NOT THE FIRST TIME I'VE BEEN SHOT.

HOW MANY TIMES?

COUPLE. WHAT DOES IT MATTER?

OH, I DON'T KNOW. LIFE, DEATH, AHH.

(chuckles) YOU'RE FAR TOO MELODRAMATIC, YOU KNOW THAT?

LIZ, YOU WERE SHOT.

I'VE BEEN FULL OF HOLES FOREVER.

WHAT'S ONE MORE? (chuckles)

HEY. COME HERE.

HEY, YOU WERE SHOT.

HEY. BUT NOT IN THE MOUTH.

(both moaning)

COME HERE.

OHH.

(computer alert playing)

UGH. I GOTTA GO GET THAT. IT'S THE OFFICE.

(sighs deeply)

(alert continues playing)

Ah, there you are, Michael.

Hello, Michael.

How's the franchise agreement coming along?

A LOT... FASTER NOW THAT I DECIDED TO DRAFT IT

on my dad's boat.

NOW I NEED IT FIRST THING IN THE MORNING, HMM?

AH, IT'LL BE THERE.

Michael, I want you to meet someone.

Say hello to the reason you are working so hard.

Mirella Brenetti.

Buon giorno, Michele.

BUON GIORNO. IT'S AN HONOR.

I HAD ONE OF THE BEST MEALS OF MY LIFE

at Ristorante Brenetti in Florence.

AH, PERFETTO.

I WILL HAVE MY HUSBAND PREPARE YOU

UN PIATTO COSI SPECIALE

AT THE NEW BRENETTI'S LAS VEGAS.

CIAO, MICHELE. CIAO!

(taps key) (giggles)

DON'T EVER DO THAT... AGAIN.

I'M GONNA GO HOME.

NO, YOU DON'T.

THERE'S NO ONE THERE TO TAKE CARE OF YOU.

I DON'T NEED ANYBODY TO TAKE CARE OF ME.

AH. THAT'S WHAT THIS IS ALL ABOUT.

THAT'S WHAT WHAT'S ABOUT?

YOU CAN'T STAND ANYBODY LOOKING AFTER YOU,

SHOWING YOU SOME CONCERN.

YEAH? SO?

HEY.

MMM.

WHEATGRASS.

OH! IT TASTES LIKE MY MOUTH HAS JUST BEEN MOWED.

(sighs and coughs)

WHAT ARE YOU DRINKING THERE, DARLING?

IT'S NAKED CHARDONNAY.

MMM.

IT'S PERFECTION.

MMM.

PERFECTION-- THAT'S FUCKING GREAT.

(laughs) YOU SHOULD WRITE WINE REVIEWS, MOTHER.

DID I TELL YOU A GARDENER SAW US?

ME AND MICHAEL IN THE BEDROOM, NAKED.

(laughs) HOW MUCH DID HE SEE?

WE WERE IN THE AFTERGLOW. MM?

MICHAEL IS QUITE A LOVER.

WELL, I'M SURE I'M TRANSGRESSING SOME FREUDIAN BOUNDARIES,

BUT YOUR FATHER IS NOT SO BAD.

HE COULD TURN PRO.

WHY, THERE'S THIS LITTLE THING THAT HE DOES--OHH!

OKAY, MOTHER. T.M.I. T.M.I.

YOU BROUGHT IT UP.

I BROUGHT UP ME, NOT YOU AND MY FATHER THE... PRO.

WELL, POINT IS,

THANKS TO YOUR DAD'S SKILLS AND STAGGERING SPERM COUNT,

YOU'RE HERE.

WE SHOULD CELEBRATE THE MAN AND HIS PENIS.

YOU SAID "PENIS."

I DIDN'T JUST IMAGINE THAT.

MY ASTHMA HAS A WHOLE NEW TRIGGER NOW.

YEAH. IT'S GIRL TALK.

TRYING TO BOND.

(chuckles)

(sighs) THIS PLACE IS NICE.

A CHANCE TO FORGET WHO WE ARE.

YOU NEVER WANNA DO THAT.

THERE ARE TOO MANY PEOPLE OUT THERE

READY TO DO IT FOR YOU.

(sighs)

(ice cubes rattle)

WHAT TIME'S YOUR FLIGHT?

(sighs) 7:00.

MEANS YOU'LL BE IN FLORENCE BY MID-MORNING.

REMEMBER WATCHING THE SUNRISE TOGETHER WHEN WE FLEW BACK?

I'VE HAD SUCH A WONDERFUL TIME WITH YOU, ARTHUR.

HMM?

WE COULD HAVE THIS ALL THE TIME.

THAT WOULD RUIN EVERYTHING.

(seagulls crying)

(sighs)

HEY, REMBRANDT.

YOU'RE BLEEDIN'.

AREN'T WE ALL?

(chuckles)

YOU MUST BE MIKEY'S NEW FRIEND LIZ.

I'M VIC.

SHOT OR STABBED?

SHOT. IT'S THE FLESH WOUND.

I GOT A MILLION OF THOSE. THAT'S WHY I ACT THE WAY I DO.

(laughs)

YOU HUNGRY? YEAH.

COME ON.

TUNA FISH.

MY SPECIALTY.

TO BE HONEST, I EAT IT FOR THE MERCURY.

FIGURE ONE DAY, IT'LL MAKE MY COCK LIGHT UP IN THE DARK.

(chuckles) THAT'D BE GREAT. YOU CAN READ IN BED.

I'LL HAVE TO BUY A BOOK.

(laughs) MICHAEL'S TOLD ME ABOUT YOU.

MM. WHAT'D HE SAY?

THAT HE WISHES HE WAS MORE LIKE YOU.

BAD IDEA.

THERE'S ENOUGH OF ME TO GO AROUND FOR EVERYBODY.

(chuckles)

UM, SO... YOU DON'T CARE THAT MICHAEL'S SEEING ME?

A GUY WHO'S ENGAGED?

I BELIEVE IN THE THEORY OF MAGNETIC NORTH.

NO MATTER WHERE YOU THINK YOU ARE,

WHERE YOU THINK YOU WANNA BE, YOU'RE DRAWN TO MAGNETIC NORTH.

AND YOU, MY DEAR, ARE MAGNETIC NORTH.

(chuckles)

HEY, UM, THANKS FOR LETTING ME STAY ON YOUR BOAT.

ANYTIME, AND IT'S A YACHT. OH.

YOU THINK I'D SPEND THIS KIND OF MONEY ON A BOAT?

(laughs)

UM... VIC, I SHOULD-- I SHOULD GET GOING.

WHAT? WHAT? I'M JUST GETTING TO KNOW YA.

WHERE DO YOU HAVE TO GO?

HOME.

WELL, PROBABLY A GOOD IDEA.

STICK AROUND HERE MUCH LONGER,

I'LL JUST END UP MARRYING YOU.

OH. (laughs) WHAT'S YOUR RING SIZE?

(both laugh)

COME ON. FINISH YOUR LUNCH.

YOU CAN DO THAT. OKAY.

(sighs)

(knocks on door)

AH. MICHAEL, MEET HANSINE.

IT MEANS "GOD IS GOOD" IN NORWEGIAN.

(Norwegian accent) I LOVE YOUR CUT,

BUT IF YOU EVER WANT IT CLOSER AND TIGHTER, CALL ME.

SHE WON A TROPHY

IN OSLO FOR BEST SIDEBURN DESIGN.

LONG IS BEST, BUT THEY MUST ALIGN WITH THE LIPS

TO BE TRULY ALIVE.

SO, HOW'S LIFE ON THE HIGH SEAS WITH DIRTY HARRIET?

SHE'S GETTING THERE. MM.

YOU BELIEVE THIS? SPENT ALL NIGHT LAST NIGHT

WORKING ON THE BRENETTI FRANCHISE AGREEMENTS FOR ARTHUR,

AND HE'S NOT EVEN HERE?

HE WAS IN A WEIRD FUNK THIS MORNING.

HE SAID... "DID YOU EVER THINK

"SOMETHING WOULD GO ONE WAY IN YOUR LIFE,

"AND THEN WHEN YOU'VE DISCOVERED YOU ARE WRONG,

IT SHOOK THE PRIMAL ORDER?"

HE SAID THAT? MM.

YOU THINK HE'S COMING OUT?

I HOPE NOT. HE DOESN'T HAVE THE WARDROBE FOR IT.

VERY TRUE.

(chuckles)

I AM THE LAST LIVING ACOLYTE OF THE SWAMI AMRAVATI

WHO WAS, AS YOU ALL KNOW, WAS THE GREATEST PROPONENT

OF THE 10-HOUR ORGASM.

I WAS HIS LOVER FROM 1951 TO '53 AND THE INSPIRATION

FOR HIS FIRST BOOK, "THE RIGORS OF ENDLESS PLEASURE."

I REMEMBER THE SUMMER WE MET AT HIS SEASIDE RETREAT

IN JAMMU AND KASHMIR.

IT WAS THERE THAT HE TAUGHT THE ANCIENT SECRETS

OF BREATH CONTROL AND CLITORAL LEVITATION.

THERE ARE THOSE WHO SAY HE DIED, BUT I WAS THERE.

AFTER HE AND I HAD AN ALL-DAY LOVEMAKING SESSION,

THE SWAMI HAD AN 11-HOUR ORGASM AND SIMPLY DEMATERIALIZED.

NOW THAT'S... AN ORGASM.

OHH.

MMM.

OHH.

(moaning)

WOW. AHH.

(sighing and moaning)

(gasps)

(moans)

OHH. (gasps)

(both gasping)

(panting)

MM! OH, GOD!

AHH! MM.

(sighs)

(laughs)

(sighs) YOU DO ME IN, COUNSELOR.

(gasps)

WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU?

I'M WOUNDED, BUT I'M MOTIVATED.

MMM.

MMM.

I'D LIKE TO FALL ASLEEP NEXT TO YOU.

I'D LIKE THAT, TOO.

OKAY.

HOW'S THE PAIN?

PAIN IS FOR PEOPLE WHO FEEL PAIN.

I MET YOUR DAD TODAY.

OH, YEAH? HE HIT ON YOU?

HE TALKED TO ME.

THAT'S NOT LIKE HIM.

HMM.

EVERYONE HAS SIDES.

(Liz grunts)

FUCK!

(grunting)

(panting)

HEY, YOU OKAY?

GET AWAY. LIZ.

GET AWAY! OKAY, OKAY. WHAT'S GOING ON?

I DROPPED MY LAST PAIN PILL, AND I CAN'T FUCKING FIND IT.

AND I'M IN FUCKING PAIN. SO JUST GET THE FUCK OUT!

I'LL HELP YOU FIND THE PILL.

GET THE FUCK OUT!

HEY! HEY, CALM DOWN.

STOP IT.

(whimpers) OH, OKAY.

COME HERE. COME HERE.

(grunts)

LET'S LIE YOU DOWN, AND I'LL FIND THE PILL.

(clatter)

IT'S OKAY. PAIN BUILDS CHARACTER.

YOU KNOW WHO SAID THAT?

NO.

GUESS.

(grunts) KENNEDY?

NO.

IT WAS MY MOTHER, TWO MONTHS BEFORE SHE DIED.

SO IT DIDN'T BUILD CHARACTER AT ALL. IT JUST... KILLED HER.

I'M SORRY. I DIDN'T KNOW THAT, LIZ. YOU NEVER TOLD ME THAT.

IT WASN'T MUCH OF A STORY.

SHE WAS FINE, AND THEN... THEN WE BURIED HER.

(sniffles)

I'LL FIND THE PILL.

OH, GOD, I HATE YOU BEING SO NICE TO ME.

I KNOW. YOU KNOW, I REALLY DO.

OH, I KNOW.

(under breath) FUCK.

(exhales deeply)

(cell phone rings)

HI, STRANGER. HI.

What are you doing?

UH, WORKING LATE.

HOW WAS THE MOTHER/DAUGHTER WEEKEND?

MM, THE PERFECT PEDICURE SOLVES EVERY PROBLEM IN LIFE.

YOU HAVE PROBLEMS?

WE HAD A BLAST, GOSSIPING,

eating like crazy.

I mean, the place took forever to get to,

AND SOME OF THE WOMEN THERE WERE JUST... OFF THE CHARTS.

Here's a tip.

Never get into a mud bath next to a divorcée...

(speaks indistinctly) HUH? I'M LOSING YOU.

HEY, CALL YOU TOMORROW.

(sighs)

HEY, OKAY, OPEN.

(pants)

(pants)

(gulps)

(bottle cap clicks) MM.

(giggles) THANK YOU.

MM.

MM. OW.