Original subtitles

- Come on, man, hurry, hurry!

No, no!

Phone London, quick!

- Yes.

Put down your weapons!

- Come on. - Up with your hands.

- Throw your weapons down! - English pig!

- Main stories this Wednesday evening.

Hugo burlap is buried.

The world mourns a great international statesman.

And trouble brewing in the Caribbean.

Maguadoran troops seize British Santa Maya.

Three days after it happened, Americans are stunned

by the tragic death of the man

who was our best-loved president of this century.

78 year old Hugo burlap died peacefully at the white house

on Sunday, after challenging a reporter

to slug him in the stomach with a crowbar

as proof of his physical fitness.

Vice-president Barbara Adams was sworn in at noon yesterday

to the job she thought she would never hold,

that of the most powerful leader in the western world.

- Hugo burlap personified the American dream.

For a man to rise from a humble circus clown

to president of the United States,

I believe, speaks volumes for our Democratic tradition,

and I am proud to step into his shoes.

- To the world, he was an ambassador for peace,

truth, and the American ideal,

but to citizens in his home town of Cleveland, Ohio,

he will always be uncle yuk-yuk, star of the big top.

And it was in Cleveland at 11,30 this morning

that the president was finally laid to rest

according to his last wishes.

Members of the president's family

were joined by heads of state

and prime ministers from across the globe

in an act of homage to the man

who shaped the course of modern america

What, then, of our nation's new chief executive,

Barbara Jacqueline Adams?

Shrewd, sensible, compassionate, scrupulously honest.

She has overcome all these handicaps

to become president of the United States.

Right now, her major concern

will be the crisis in Central America,

where, 24 hours ago, maguadoran tanks

rolled into British Santa Maya.

Reaction in London was swift.

- Mr. Speaker,

I do not propose to sink to the opposition's petty level

by explaining why the invasion took place.

What is Paramount now

is the safety of the Santa Mayan people.

Throughout history, we in these islands

have nurtured the twin flowers of freedom and equality.

Liberty is our birthright, Mr. Speaker.

Democracy will prevail.

Meanwhile in Santa Maya.

- I give you your new presidente,

generalissimo Francisco nicanor mosquera!

The new military ruler

met with a frosty reception.

- People of Santa Maya.

Today, you are liberated from the British imperialists.

You are,

once again, free citizens of the republic of maguadora.

How will president Adams respond to mosquera's actions?

Well, one man she will be listening to

is former president Jack Preston,

author of the book “commie bastards I have known"

and a leading authority on Caribbean affairs.

Tomorrow morning she'll be flying to California

for top-level consultations with the former president

in an attempt to defuse

this potentially explosive situation.

Yes sir?

- We have an appointment to see

the former president of the United States.

- Yes, sir.

President Preston is expecting you.

Right through there and to your left.

Thank you very much.

J' if a woman tells ya j'

- hey.

- Madam president.

- Mr. President.

- Marv!

- Bill! - Mr. President.

- Great to see you again!

- So, Mr. President, how's life?

- Oh, still serving it!

- Mr. President, I don't know

if they let you see newspapers here,

but we've been having some problems in the Caribbean.

- I heard about that, sure.

- Up 'til now, our support for mosquera has been iron clad.

- Oh, he eats commies for breakfast, right?

- At the same time britain is our oldest ally in the world.

- Sure, sure.

Listen, in my estimation,

this is a whole dish of worms

that could squeal antsy in the long ticket.

We need to hump out wide, hype up the squeak-bag,

before they screw down the jam box

- excuse me?

- Always fox the grease monkeys.

They won't tango 'til you crack down the fish pot.

You can't risk hell shit with a bunch of Lulu pig-suckers!

- So, to give our support to britain would be entirely-

- the only solution.

- The only solution, right.

- You see, you can't empty your piss can

'til the heat's off the mugwump.

Always take down the gizmo and caveat the cranker, before-

- Mr. President, it's been an education.

- A pleasure, madam.

- Mr. President!

- What a guy.

- I can just tell you

that the president has persuaded both sides

to meet across the table,

and these talks will take place in Miami tomorrow.

- Ed gardner, "tribune."

Will the president be chairing these talks herself?

- No, there'll be no us presence.

- Bob sangster, "newsweek."

Does the president feel maguadora

can be persuaded to withdraw from British soil?

- Oh, I think she's still hopeful.

- Ron horrocks, "reader's digest.“

has the president ever yearned

to own a hand-tooled “guide to the watennays of manitoba"?

- Yes, well, when the talks broke for lunch, Bob,

what did the British foreign secretary have to say?

Well did he seem like he was in a good mood?

Was he joking or laughing, or?

When you say “walking with a stoop“, Bob,

how do you mean that, exactly?

We remind guests that

while the international peace talks

between Great Britain and maguadora are taking place

security checks will be in operation

we apologise for any inconvenience.

What have you got in the trunk?

- Oh, just a little merchandise.

- Merchandise?

- Oh, just a few samples.

See, I'm a travelling salesman.

Wanger's the name.

Richard millhouse wanger, of wanger, wimple and wadi.

We're manufacturers of games and novelties.

Probably you've heard of us.

Open the trunk.

- Oh, you bet.

Boy, it sure is hot today, isn't it?

- What is all this crap?

Duodenal ulcer?

- Yeah, that's one of our new executive games.

Very popular Madison Avenue.

- Spunky spaniel?

Oh, he's a whole heap full of fun, sir.

See, you just put the batteries in here,

clamp it on a friend's leg,

and away the little fella goes!

It's all very er.

- Oh, my goodness. - Are you ok?

- No, it's nothing.

It's just a small bout of swamp fever!

Contracted during

a snoopy doll symposium in the upper Congo.

I'll be all right.

Well, what have you got here?

Some kind of a security alert?

- Hey, you got that right.

The maguadora peace talks.

Floors seven through 15 are strictly off limits.

- Yes.

- What's under this down here?

Oh, my god!

My teeth are coming loose.

I hope this isn't contagious.

I wouldn't want anyone- - oh, my god!

Get this out of here.

Jesus!

Move it, move it, move it!

- Thank you, thank you very much.

- And stay on your own floor!

- It doesn't look very hopeful,

the sovereignty question, does it?

Still, there may yet be a compromise formula we can find.

I've a feeling it's going to be a very long afternoon.

- Hey, how ya doin', bro?

Glad to know ya!

- Who the hell are you?

Where's Larry?

- Oh, Larry's sick, man.

Contracted hepatitis from a septic squeegee.

I've just been sent down here by the agency.

- Agency?

- Yeah, waxahachie window care.

High-rise maintenance in 47 states

and an equal-opportunity employer.

- Jesus Christ.

- No, no, my name is nitz, man.

Conway nitz III.

What's the matter with you?

Man, I forgot to introduce you to my dog, happy.

Boy, I tell you, without this little labrador,

I'd be blinder than a bug in a badger's back side.

Say, one of you guys help me into this cradle.

We can burn some rubber on this glass.

- Listen.

I don't figure this at all.

I'm going to call my boss.

You stay right here, you hear me?

- Get some smokes!

- Right.

- Here, boy.

I'll get the dog.

- For god's sake, see if there's a doctor in the place.

- Yes, sir.

- Watch where you're going, you great retard.

- Doctor.

You've had a very lucky break, gentlemen.

But for the fortuitous, rare chance I was in town,

lecturing on my new breakthrough

in the culture of rabies vaccine

this could be embalming fluid you're having dabbed on.

Yes.

Now.

If you'll all just hold perfectly still,

I'll prepare the hypodermics.

Well, all finished now, thank you.

If you could have the payment sent to me

at this address, please.

Penis is the name.

Dr. Theseus lyndon penis.

I accept all major credit cards.

Gentlemen.

- The British delegation

have had time to consider our proposals.

They have formulated their official response?

- I'm sure they have, gentlemen.

- Is the CIA sure of these facts?

They say the Santa Maya peace talks

were deliberately sabotaged by this mercenary, lacrobat,

"to provoke a war in the Caribbean,

and assist a major arms contract between maguadora

and the American weapons company Nevada technics.“

let's just pray to god

the press doesn't get a hold of this one.

- Here is a late newsflash.

A top-secret report issued by the CIA

reveals that the Santa Maya peace talks

were sabotaged by the mercenary lacrobat,

to provoke a war in the Caribbean

and assist a major arms contract between maguadora

and the American weapons company Nevada technics.

Lacrobat is the world's most wanted terrorist,

and his methods, though bizarre, are terrifyingly effective.

He's already wanted for 27 major international crimes,

including six assassinations

and the recipe for airline lunches,

and the news that he's once again at large in the west

is bound to be a cause for concern.

I'll be talking to president Adams

about the Nevada technics scandal

live on the phone, from the oval office, in just a moment.

- This is suicide, Marv.

- There's nothing to worry about, madam.

Mr. Sweetzer's here.

- Oh, fine, good!

- Madam, this report claims Nevada technics

used a hit man, lacrobat,

to wreck the peace process

in order to grease a major arms deal.

- Oh, well, I wouldn't put too much reliance on that.

- And if that's true,

Nevada technics would have a lot to answer for,

wouldn't they?

Oh, well, yes, of course, but.

- Madam president, you are, of course,

married to the chairman of Nevada technics.

- Yes, well, as you know,

as you may know my husband is away at present

on business in Australia,

and I wouldn't want to pre-empt anything.

Ok, Mr. Sweetzer,

no, I don't mean that.

I wouldn't want to say-

- Oh.

Pardon me, madam.

Well, I'm afraid the line appears to be breaking up.

We'll get back to that one later on.

- Well hell Gerry it's your company.

Find out who hired this lunatic.

Our press over here has been worse

than the manson family got

plus, our protege in the Caribbean

decides to open a new branch of gestapo ltd.

In the country next door.

And now the British prime minister

is about to play with his toy boats down there,

which presents the west with a small dilemma,

to say the least.

Well, I miss you too, Superman.

Finish your work and hurry home soon, ok?

Ok, honey.

Bye-bye for now.

You show them, sir Mortimer!

- Someone was out

to wreck the peace conference prime minister.

There's no doubt about that.

- They succeeded.

Mosquera refuses even to discuss Santa Maya any more.

- He,

he may change his mind, of course.

International opinion is totally against him.

- But he's a very determined man.

- And so am I, gentlemen.

Make no mistake about that.

What's more, the people are behind me.

According to the wireless today,

my current popularity rating

is higher than any other national leader in peacetime.

Astonishing.

It does demonstrate a great

groundswell of confidence in our policies.

And we didn't win at dunkirk by running away.

Santa Maya must be liberated.

We shall use every means at our disposal,

Even diplomacy, should it ever come to that,

because peace is the greatest thing

that any man can fight for.

And fight we shall.

Fight, until victory is finally ours.

- Darling!

Darling.

Darling where are you?

In here, darling.

- Did you get the strawberry jam?

- No, I, I didn't get it.

- Oh, Dickie, you went into the village specially.

What am I going to give the rector for tea when he.

There's something wrong?

- Wrong?

Well.

Not really, old thing.

Nothing to get in a tizzy over.

You'll hear soon enough.

It looks as if there's going to be a bit of a scrap

in the Caribbean.

They're sending a task force down

to get the maguos out of Santa Maya.

- This telegram was waiting at the post office.

Everyone's to report to Portsmouth by six o'clock tonight.

- Tonight, but...

Oh, god.

- Chin up, now.

It won't be so bad.

One knows one's duty, and,

I'm not afraid.

I'll see it through.

I'm not scared.

- Of course not.

You're not the one that's got to go.

- No, I know.

Just as well, really, I get damnably seasick.

I suppose you'll be wanting your uniform back, then.

- Oh, I'll miss him!

- Great on page three.

Now, point the gun at the general, girls.

That's it smile

ah, this is going to be great!

Now show us what you think

- get out of my way!

Get out of my way.

For Christ's sake!

What the hell's going on here?

Get these women covered up.

And get these two cretins out of here.

Before I call the police!

Come on, you there on.

- Sir! - What is it?

- I think you'd better take a look at this.

- Oh, my god!

They've finally done it.

They've finally done the unthinkable.

- 157 warships,

I would call a slight overreaction to the problem, Marv.

This kind of saber-rattling we don't need right now.

- Absolutely, madam.

- What are the chances

of getting mosquera back to negotiating table?

- Well, after what happened in Miami,

I guess he's not feeling too talkative any more.

- Two countries get worked up

over a goddamn banana plantation,

and we've got to clean up the mess.

Us support for the fascist dictatorship is-

We must keep

the peace process alive at all costs Marv.

Death to the Nazi junta!

- I want a session with both ambassadors

as soon as we're in Washington.

- Yes ma'am. - Welcome to Jacksonville,

Florida.

- Two more days and we shall be in the Caribbean.

From here on, I want every ship in this fleet,

every sailor, every soldier, put on red alert.

We're about to enter a potential battle zone.

- Sir, a dispatch just in from London.

- Buckingham Palace? - It's Princess Wendy, sir.

They want her transferred off hms shropshire

and onto this ship immediately.

In secret, to foil the enemy.

- Bastards!

They should never have let her come in the first place.

This task force needs a royal Princess in the wrens

like an outbreak of typhus!

Not at all, your royal highness.

We're delighted to have you aboard.

- Basically, one wants to be treated

like any other ordinary nursing officer, sir.

I'm sure you understand.

No fuss or favours.

- Absolutely not, ma'am.

Of course.

This is your cabin.

- Thank you.

- If those two medical experiments from the press

get wind of this, we've had it.

It'll be like throwing raw meat to a pack of jackals.

- Don't worry, sir.

We'll keep her royal highness well under wraps.

They won't even know she's on board.

- Yes, just as I thought, your highness.

Strangulated hernia in the groin.

It'll have to be surgery.

Shave him, would you, ma'am?

I'll be back in five minutes.

- Oh, my god.

- It's not the fact, gentlemen,

that one of my soldiers has just been horribly castrated

by a member of britain's royal family.

It is not even the fact

that in the blind panic that followed,

a pair of liptons tea bags

were erroneously sewn back into the patient's scrotum.

And the fact not discovered until three hours later,

when someone was rinsing out the teapot.

No, gentlemen.

This was the real coup de grace.

This dispatch I found not 10 minutes ago in the wire room.

"Holy chopped meat!

Princess Wendy went whittling with a razor yesterday

yes, sirree.

Another young soldier waved goodbye to his loved ones,

as her royal highness went crazy with the cut-throat

during a routine pre-op shave

on britain's flagship hms lion,

where she was secretly transferred.

Oh, holy godfathers!

Is there any more classified information

you'd like to broadcast to the world?

You are a liability to every man and woman in this fleet,

and I'm having you put off this ship

at the next island we come to!

- I hope they whip the ass off you!

Lousy, stinking mothers.

Jesus!

- The main stories this Friday evening.

Edna burkavitz, the woman who secured

a lock of frank Sinatra's hair in 1955,

has today sold it back to him for an undisclosed sum.

And as the British task force steams south

for the Caribbean,

hopes are fading for a peaceful end

to the Santa Maya crisis.

Details shortly.

- Madam president.

- What is it, Marv?

- Priority Alpha, from the Pentagon.

- Let me have it.

- Santa Maya, madam.

British fleet just got in, 50 miles off the coast

and was fired on by a maguadoran destroyer.

I mean, all hell's gonna break loose down there any minute.

- Better patch me through to London and maguador city.

- Right, ma'am.

If anybody can stop these two countries from going to war,

it's the president of the United States.

- Thank you very much.

Hi, how are you?

I recognise you.

Well done!

- From what I gather,

president Adams was not a little miffed.

Apparently, the white house wanted us all to go on talking.

Talk about giving a man on the guillotine an aspirin!

Until maguadora recognises britain's right to sovereignty,

there can be no question of pulling out our troops.

Absolutely.

- It would be madness.

- And now to another equally serious problem.

The record level of unemployment.

Now, some people argue that this crisis is the result

of government mismanagement and underspending.

They could not be more wrong.

- Hear, hear! - Hear, hear!

- Because we all know what really causes unemployment

in this country, don't we gentlemen?

Unemployment in this country is caused by pixies.

I don't mean the nice, ordinary ones, who sit on toadstools,

playing a whistle.

I'm talking about the nasty, evil, malevolent pixies,

the tiny green ones with the black, pointy beards,

who go around our factories, and we've all seen them,

who go around our factories, casting their wicked spells,

and bringing about mass redundancies

on a scale not witnessed since the great depression.

- When did you actually form this theory, prime minister?

- Well, to be perfectly honest, Nigel,

the pieces only really sort ofjelled in my mind,

so to speak, last weekend.

I was visiting a factory in stockport.

Literally hundreds had lost their jobs, and small wonder.

The place was crawling with them.

- With erm, pixies?

- Yeah, pixies, sprites, elfin folk.

All manner of goblinry.

Certainly opened my eyes, I can tell you.

That's why I've launched this new campaign.

- I see.

What campaign?

- The stamp out evil pixies campaign.

The public have got to be educated on this one, Nigel.

Mostly, they're about seven and a half inches tall,

and they get in through the air vents.

Now, the worst type of all

are the invisible ones.

- Our support for sir Mortimer Chris remains unequivocal.

When the prime minister talks of pixies

he is clearly using the term in a metaphorical sense,

to denote disruptive elements within British industry.

- How do you explain the fact

that he has just set up an anti-goblin unit

to bait them with gingerbread traps?

- I think that's enough questions for today, gentlemen.

- He's brainwashed the entire country.

He's gone stark, staring, raving.

- Morning.

- Morning, prime minister.

- Sorry I'm late, gentlemen.

Nest of leprechauns in the bread bin.

Right.

Down to business.

Good.

Well, having established the root causes

of the stagnation in the country,

what we need now is a radical job-creation programme.

Now, I've devised one here

that will create half a million new jobs

in its first year of operation.

Basically, the scheme works like this.

Every week, 10,000 working people

jump off a cliff, thus creating 10,000 new jobs.

I've drawn up a white paper here, gentlemen,

if you'd care to cast your eyes over it.

- Well, I think he's bloody marvellous.

He brought us through the war,

and I think he can do the same for the economy.

I am.

I'm proud to leap to my certain death for britain.

Hooray!

- Bye, well done.

Ah, hello.

How are you?

- I'm fine, sir.

- Jolly good.

What do you do?

- Well, I'm in industrial engineering, sir.

- Oh, that's super.

We can certainly do with a lot more vacancies there.

Did you get everything you want?

How 'bout if I give this one a push?

- Ooh! - Good, good for you?

Good for you?

Good for me.

There we are.

A little push.

How's that?

Ah, right.

Ok.

They do add up.

It may seem a little severe, I agree,

but then there's always the horrid-tasting medicine

that does you the most good.

- Right, that's it.

This has gone on quite long enough.

I've had all I can take.

- Who are you ringing?

- Let me see if I have this straight here

you're telling me

that the prime minister of the United Kingdom,

the man who has his finger on britain's nuclear trigger,

the man to whom we have promised complete,

unconditional support,

in anything he says or does,

is clinically insane?

- That's a pretty fair summary.

- From what the foreign secretary has told us,

and from our own intelligence,

there appears to be little doubt.

- You're telling me

that the entire population of Great Britain went and elected

a deranged psychotic to the highest office of the land?

Again?

Ok, ok.

Send him in.

- Mr. Virgil grodd, madam,

from the CIA directorate of plans.

He comes highly recommended

- this is a very delicate matter, Mr. Grodd.

It requires a man with special qualities.

You'll not find me lacking in tenacity, madam.

I have trained my body to endure

any level of pain by sheer willpower.

I can place my genitalia into a burning candle flame

without flinching once.

- That's a very useful discipline,

I'm sure, Mr. Grodd, but I don't think we,

we have, no.

- I have a candle here, if you'd like to see.

- No, Mr. Grodd.

Perhaps we could concentrate on the reason

for which we called you in.

- As I comprehend it

you want me to eliminate the prime minister of.

- Mr. Grodd, I, as president of the United States,

have no knowledge whatsoever of whatever it is

I've called you in to do.

- Naturally, madam, I fully understand,

and I've taken the Liberty of drawing up

a provisional plan of operations here.

In approximately three hours,

I and two Cuban agents will board a plane for London,

and check into a small hotel close to whitehall.

At 0900 hours,

we circulate rigged polaroids of the prime minister

performing an unnatural act with a horse.

- Fine.

Mr. Grodd, I think I've heard enough of the details for now.

- As a diversion to the media,

we engineer an outbreak of herpes in the royal family-

- and as soon as her majesty checks in.

I was starting to think this place was deserted.

- Howdy-doody pals

may we remind all vacationers of today's special activities.

Relax and enjoy swimming, running, gymnastics,

and tractor maintenance

with our many smiling instructresses.

Plus tonight in the Malibu ballroom compulsory disco dancing

- Can I help you, gentlemen?

- We're members of the press,

here on an international fact-finding tour in the Caribbean.

Wondering if we could have a room here for a few nights?

- Unfortunately, all of our rooms are completely taken.

We are at the very peak of our tourist season.

- Listen.

I need to make a couple of phone calls.

- I am afraid that we do not have a single telephone

on the island.

Oh, out of order.

All the lines were damaged in the monsoon.

- Monsoon?

- Grain shortage, earthquake.

- Earthquake?

Look... as I said, sir,

this sunshine paradise is very popular

with your American holiday visitors.

Come this way, please.

And this, this is the dining room.

We regret to announce

that all our dining tables are as booked up as can be.

Today's mouthwatering menu,

molotov cocktail, gulag archipelago burger.

- As you can see, we are full right up at the moment.

All the hotels on this booming-trade tourist paradise

are completely booked.

Take a gander, pally.

We regret to announce

there is an 18-month waiting list to use the lavatory.

- We could not fit in a single extra body.

So, as you can see, gentlemen, you have no alternative

but to hire a boat back to the mainland at once.

But please tell all your friends

about our flourishing holiday industry.

The way out is just over there.

We regret to announce

that tonight's beach party and weenie roast

has been cancelled due to an avalanche.

- Thanks a million, kiddo!

And limbo dancing under the roadblocks

is strictly forbidden

thank you.

That's very impressive, Mr. Grodd.

- Thank you, sir.

And now to business, gentlemen.

This is an exact replica of the prime minister's bath oil.

Scratch down the side.

Harrod's price tag.

Worn gold on the cap right here.

We know he uses this every morning.

Tomorrow, things will be a little different.

Concentrated tri oxalic acid.

Dissolves solid steel in 15 seconds.

As soon as he steps into his bathtub.

Like a snowman in a sauna bath

now, the main...

Are you ok?

Excuse me.

- I suppose there's really no other answer.

He's got to go.

- There's no way this operation can fail, Mr. Sumpter.

You have my personal guarantee.

J“ I'll be humming j'

- Ah, Nigel, Michael.

Lovely to see you.

Come on in.

- You're looking surprisingly well, prime minister,

considering the erm.

- Well, I'll live, Nigel.

- Yes.

- What do you think?

Had it done by microsurgery.

British medicine's the finest in the world.

Tell you one thing though.

It's a good job I didn't sit down in that bath.

Ha-ha!

- Yes.

How very lucky that was.

- Can't imagine who'd want to do that sort of thing.

Can you?

Well, I do know one thing.

I'll find out.

Apple?

- I have failed you, gentlemen, but have no fear.

I know exactly what to do now.

- There was something distinctly odd about this place

that I couldn't quite put my finger on.

Careful what you're doing.

Yet, the more I thought about it.

The more a strange theory started to form in my mind.

- Hello again!

Hey, this is Mr. McDonald's,

another genuine vacationer.

This afternoon, Mr. McDonald's

is returning in his private boat to the mainland,

and would be pleased to give you both a ride.

So, thanks a heap, kids.

See you later, alligator.

- On your feet.

We're going to take a little walk.

Come on, give me a hand.

Jesus god almighty!

There was no doubt about it.

This obscure little island was no tourist haven.

It was being used as a Soviet nuclear missile base,

right on america's doorstep.

If this doesn't get me the pulitzer prize, nothing will.

Come on, slim.

Let's move it.

Hey, come on, wake up.

- It's now two weeks since British forces

recaptured Santa Maya,

liberating its population of 750 from maguadoran rule.

And with 48,000 troops now permanently based in the country,

to guard against future attack,

general mosquera appears

finally to have abandoned his designs

on this tiny central American territory.

- You are sure you can secure for us

the services of this man.

Lacrobat, Mr.-

- nebuchadnezzar.

Harrison hindenburg nebuchadnezzar.

Personal management

of the world's leading international terrorists.

Yes.

My client, Mr. Lacrobat,

has many prior commitments at the moment.

However, you tell me what you are proposing,

and I'll tell you whether or not he's available.

- We need his help to get the British

out of Santa Maya quickly,

before our people turn against us.

- Yeah, I see.

You realise, of course,

that Mr. Lacrobat's fees are not inconsiderable?

- The money is no object.

We would sell our grandmothers for such a man.

- Take my grandmother.

- Gentlemen, I think we have a deal.

- With this lacrobat's help,

Santa Maya will once again be ours.

J' soldier boy, don't point that thing at me j'

j“ left and right, we've got to work all night j“

I my mama never told me I'd be in a fight j'

j' I'd lay down my life, I'd lay down my soul j'

j“ I'd lay down anything I was told I

j' because we're out here I

j' trying hard to do our best I

j' it's pretty plain for all to see j'

j' so, just be careful, soldier boy I

j' don't point that thing, point that thing I

j' point that thing at me j“

J“ left and right, we've got to work all night j“

I my mama never told me I'd be in a fight j'

j' I'd lay down my life, I'd lay down my soul j'

j“ I'd lay down anything I was told I

Now here's the man with the mesmer eyes

- Yes, what do you want?

Well, come on, identify yourself.

Right.

Oh, god!

Hi, there.

Looking for me?

Listen

you don't recognise america's greatest illusionist?

Johnny brainiac.

Master of magic

the man who made Hollywood boulevard

vanish beneath a silk handkerchief.

The man who once made the senate foreign relations committee

appear inside a tuna fish salad.

See, I'm here to baffle and bewilder your countrymen

with a small performance from my repertoire.

Now, if you will excuse me,

I've got to go through and set up for my act.

- I can't let you do that, sir.

Othennise.

- Well, what have we here?

My letter of accreditation.

- I'll have to take a look in the truck first.

- Ok.

When I snap my fingers you will become a chicken.

A loud, squawking chicken.

You will be in a real panic.

The whole place will be on fire for you.

Smoke everywhere.

You will suddenly become very sexy.

You will do a striptease.

You will be sensational.

All right.

Are you ready?

Here we go.

- Fire!

There's a fire!

There's a fire!

There's smoke everywhere!

What's he doing.

Fire!

Get the fire team out, there's smoke everywhere!

Fire!

What's he doing?

Fire!

Fire, where are the fire team?

Fire!

Get the fire team out, fire!

- Fire!

- All right, Harry, time for a cup.

Harry?

Sarge!

- Ladies and gentlemen,

for my first trick, I shall require the assistance

of a member of the royal family.

A Princess, perhaps.

- Come along, ma'am.

I'm hopeless!

- Now we have a lovely Princess.

We must have a palace!

If the Princess will join me inside.

One!

- Two! - Stop!

Stop him!

That man's no magician.

Three!

- Oh, my god!

Quick, search that elephant.

- Yes.

Yes, your majesty.

I shall leave no stone unturned.

I'm discharging myself now and assuming complete control.

Whoever is guilty of this heinous atrocity will pay dearly.

You may depend on that.

Since, at the time of the kidnapping,

I was personally indisposed in hospital,

my two cabinet colleagues, Mr. Sumpter and Mr. Lipman,

were technically responsible

for the safety and security of the Princess.

Mr. Sumpter and Mr. Lipman are honourable men,

and within the last 24 hours,

they've each submitted to me

a written request to be publicly crucified,

and with great regret, I've had to accept their requests.

Thank you.

- “An estimated crowd of 100,000 witnessed the event

and throughout the day, all national TV programmes

were blacked out, and replaced with sombre music."

- Well, I guess we sit tight now

and pray he doesn't do anything rash.

- The man just held a public crucifixion at Wembley stadium!

- Well, he certainly has moved to the right politically.

- So, mosquera hired lacrobat to kidnap Wendy.

But why?

And what happens next?

- Excuse me, madam.

- There's a special message for you.

- Yes, well?

- Well it's in the form of a Rambo-gram, madam.

- Excuse me?

- Send him in.

- Ooo.

J' I have for you a message here from Mr. Lacrobat j”

j“ he has sent an ultimatum just to tell you where it's at j'

j' if the British don't pull out their troops j'

j' Princess Wendy will be killed j'

- Marv, get on the phone right now.

J' Princess Wendy will be killed, yeah j“

j' her head, with lead it will be filled, yeah j'

j' her royal blood, it will be spilled j'

j' if the brits don't shift their ass I

- 84 hours, that's what, Saturday, midnight.

Marv, tear the Caribbean apart.

Drag the north Atlantic, if you have to, but find her.

- Gather round, gather round everyone!

See what I've got here!

Something that will excite your imagination.

Yes, indeed.

Step right up.

I'm sure that you and your partner

will enjoy a thrilling adventure

to excite the furthest fantasies.

- All right, break it up, now, folks.

Come on, move along.

Come on move along

come on, come on, move along there.

Come on.

Thank you, that's it.

Now, come on, move it on, come on.

- Come on, sheriff!

Couldn't you prevail upon them to stay for just a moment?

I still have three more boxes

of whistling condoms to dispense.

- Just what the shit are you messin' at

with this fancy waggon, boy?

We've got a respectable town here, and I ain't.

Whistling condoms?

- That's correct sir.

Dr. Hans janker's whistling condoms

are the very first contraceptives

to play a tune upon ejaculation.

They come in seven different melodies, and so can you.

With "Pedro the fisherman," “sabre dance, “

we've got "sparky's magic piano," we have "big rock candy."

- All right!

All right.

Now, just who in the hell are you, anyhow?

- February's the name, sir.

Roderick Jesus February.

Mobile suppliers of sexual requisites

in the state of Florida for eight decades.

Ah!

A most discerning choice, sir.

The blow-up sheep.

- Blow-up what?

- It's a brand-new addition

to our wide range of inflatables.

Especially designed for the farming community.

The deluxe model has three holes,

which makes it ideal for parties,

and, of course, if you wish to hear it climax.

Give me your hands.

- Ah, so that's where your tastes lie, huh?

Now, you should have specified.

You see, we are the nation's foremost supplier

of top-quality bondage accoutrements.

As you can see, my beautiful assistant Wendy

is wearing the latest in our corporal restraint collection.

Note how the twin-tied Indian hemp

with triple-bonded padlocks and nipple grips

resist even the fiercest struggle,

while the moulded latex muzzle

is guaranteed three years against teeth bites.

- Holy Gideon!

If I ain't seen enough dirt here to run you in

and throw the whole goddamn book at you,

my name ain't Maxton s pluck, county sheriff.

- Now, sheriff, let's not be so hasty, hm?

I'm sure that we can work out some little arrangement.

Maxton, this is so unlike you!

There now follows a special broadcast

by the prime minister,

the right honourable sir Mortimer Chris mp

- good evening.

Tonight, as I speak to you,

we face the gravest crisis in our nation's history.

Tonight our fairy-tale Princess

is at the mercy of the enemy.

She whose beauty, charm, and vivacious good humour

endeared her to millions the world over.

She who with selfless disregard for her own safety

joined our gallant forces to fight for freedom

against a foreign foe

has been cruelly and savagely prised from our bosom.

The time has come to act.

In a situation such as we face today,

a prime minister has to be resolute.

But you can't be resolute without showing you're strong,

and you can't show you're strong without blowing people up.

General mosquera has threatened to carry out his execution

at five A.M., our time, on Sunday.

I shall now respond with an ultimatum of my own.

Unless her royal highness Princess Wendy is returned to us,

alive and unharmed, by that time,

I will have no choice

but to authorise the use of nuclear weapons

on the capital city of maguadora.

It may sound harsh,

but I'm sure you'll understand.

There is no alternative.

- We are in a terrible crisis.

The British imperialists

are preparing a nuclear strike on our capital.

- He has taken the news very badly.

- Madam president, there are rumours

circulating around Washington this morning

that general mosquera

has just made a military pact with the Soviets,

and that Russia would now back mosquera against the UK

in any nuclear exchange.

- Oh, well!

I don't know where you heard that.

- From the chief of the defence staff.

- Yes, that is correct.

Yes.

- And all because one man, this lacrobat,

not only foiled your attempts to avoid war

in the first place,

but is now preparing to assassinate a British Princess

in 36 hours' time,

which in turn will trigger a major nuclear disaster

down in the Caribbean.

The whole world is asking the question.

Why haven't you caught this man?

- Yes, indeed

and I'm glad to be able to answer that question.

Basically because I seem to-

Let me.

- This is the network news, Washington.

I'm Dan hickey.

Good evening.

Opinion polls in britain show the population

are oven/vhelmingly behind their government's threat

to launch a nuclear attack on maguador city,

unless their favourite royal, Princess Wendy,

is returned alive and well by midnight, Saturday.

Opposition leader Mr. Gerald whibley

did briefly question the prime minister on the decision

in the house of commons this afternoon,

and was immediately denounced as a witch.

Detectives acting on sir Mortimer's instructions

then Mr. Whibley's house in north London,

and found a series of broomsticks and a tall, pointed hat.

President Adams, meanwhile, has dismissed suggestions

that the Soviet union might launch a retaliatory strike,

since the Russians have no capacity

for tactical nuclear exchange in the Caribbean.

And now the rest of the news.

The body of an American journalist

who sailed with the task force to Santa Maya

was today found floating in the sea off Louisiana.

How he got there

and the circumstances of his death remain a mystery.

Here, get a hold him there.

Come on.

Hey!

Careful what you're doing.

The more I thought about it,

the more a strange theory began to form in my mind.

There was no doubt about it.

This obscure little island was no tourist haven

it was being used as a Soviet nuclear missile base

right here on america's doorstep.

- Sorry to call you down at this hour, madam,

but this represents a major escalation of the crisis.

- A Soviet theatre capability in the Caribbean.

This could blow the whole thing wide open.

Did you contact Marv?

- He said he'd be right down. - Good.

- Hey, I just heard.

I think we'll have to lay this on the line for Chris now.

We only have 25 hours.

- Bill, have them saddle up air force one.

I'm flying out to London tonight.

- I would like an early call at 6:30, please.

I have to be at the airport.

Also, I would like croissants and confiture,

and dark-roasted coffee.

Just put the luggage in my room, please.

- Holy shit.

What is that thing?

Some kind of gorilla you've got?

Get that out of here!

- Uncultured scum.

This beast is a fine and no...

Quiet, Princess!

Let go of me, you fool!

Now look what you've done.

You've upset her.

Listen.

Once I've given her her valium suppository

she will be no trouble at all, I assure you.

- Listen, you ain't bringing no monkey into this hotel.

- I see.

And suppose I ask you to reconsider, huh?

Hmm.

Send the riot squad and ambulances!

Kong just escaped!

The time in London is 6:30 am,

and we'll be landing in Heathrow airport

in about 40 minutes from now.

- I don't know how you can do it.

- Sorry, sir?

- I don't know how you can sleep

when we're only 24 hours away from a nuclear war.

- Sorry, sir.

- Christ almighty.

What are we doing?

- Just obeying orders, sir.

- Hello, how are you?

Very nice to see you.

- Look this way. - Good trip over?

Thank you.

- Thank you. - Yes, yes.

The Soviet ambassador has made it quite clear

prime minister, that no way will his government tolerate

the first use of nuclear weapons.

The second you release that trident

on maguador city tomorrow morning,

they'll let loose with everything they've got!

They have enough firepower on that island

to blow your entire fleet to hell and back,

and then we'll be into a superpower face-off!

So, surely you can see that nobody's life,

not even that of a member of the royal family,

is worth a global holocaust.

- Well, I'm sorry you feel about it that way, Barbara.

I never took you for a pinko.

Obviously I was mistaken

you see, we in this conservative government

have always believed

that it's totally immoral to waste billions of pounds

on nuclear bombs that are never used.

- But, where is the sanity in vaporising millions

of totally innocent people?

- Well, it shut Japan up, didn't it?

- It is all a game of bluff, general.

Nothing more.

And we hold all the cards.

It is vital that we stand our ground now.

- You're right.

Nuclear war is unthinkable.

Once it has started no-one can win.

- Now I know what you're going to say, Barbara.

Nuclear war is unthinkable, because,

once it's started, no-one can win.

Well, you're wrong.

You see, I've already taken all the precautions necessary

to protect my people against nuclear attack.

- Precautions? - Yes.

Naturally, I've had to keep this all very hush-hush,

as you'll understand.

I think I can say that British technology

has come up with a real winner.

How about that?

This provides complete protection

against thermo-nuclear explosions

up to 20 megatons.

And it's very cheap, only costs a pound.

We've given the contract to a firm in Milton keynes,

and they're churning them out by the truckload

even as I speak.

So, there you have it.

- But, surely,

it's just an umbrella?

- No it's all wrong

we've got people combing Central America for him.

That's not the way he operates.

He gets a real kick out of taunting us.

We've got to think the way he thinks.

Now, if you were lacrobat,

and you'd kidnapped a British Princess,

where would you hide her?

You could almost believe it was her.

- How could anyone want to harm such a darling creature?

I hope they burn in hell.

- Come along, ladies.

We close in 10 minutes.

With just eight hours to go

before britain carries out a threatened nuclear strike

on the capital of maguadora,

thousands of panicking citizens

are attempting to flee the city.

Meanwhile the prime minister took time off today

to visit the London wax museum

where his new waxworks image was unveiled...

- Madam, we've just.

- The wax museum.

- Air force one is standing by, madam,

to return to Washington.

The way the situation is,

we've got to get you back to the nuclear shelter.

- Sure.

Wax museum?

No, dumb idea.

Preparing to release in 57 minutes.

All officers and men will remain below decks

until the effects of the airburst have subsided.

We repeat this is not an exercise.

- All primed and correct, sir.

We're ready to go in 57 minutes from now.

They could still find her, sir,

with a bit of luck.

What the world needs now is a miracle.

He was shot with a 357 Magnum ma'am

just like the guard lacrobat killed in Santa Maya.

- That has to be it.

- All right, my sons!

All right, my lads.

Now, we know lacrobat's in this building,

and he's got the Princess.

Dennis, the grappling irons.

Desmond, the heavy-duty grenades.

Duncan, the land mines.

Desmond, put your fucking tiara on straight.

Right.

Once you get inside.

- Please sarge, can I bring the tiger?

- No, you can't bring the fucking tiger, Donald!

It's more trouble than it's worth.

You leave it in the Van.

Right.

All those in camouflage,

take up positions inconspicuously all over the building.

If you see anything suspicious, contact me by radio.

Go!

Everybody else, come with me to the royal gallery,

where we have reason to believe Princess Wendy

has been placed in a comatose condition.

Ok.

Now, then.

Are there any questions?

- Where do babies come from?

Community policing!

Desmond, check for unexploded bombs.

Donald, make those fucking pictures safe!

Dougy, you vandalise the doors to the lavatory.

Good, good, good.

All right, my boys.

Dennis, the bag.

Right.

First of all, I want everybody.

- Please, sarge, my foot's stuck.

- Oh, Christ!

Who's got the saw?

- Here, sarge.

- All right.

Off you go.

Right.

We've made it into the foyer.

- Please, sarge.

How do we get tickets?

- What did you say, Douglas?

- How do we get tickets?

- What the fuck are you talking about?

"How do we get tickets?"

We're the fucking sas!

Use your sten gun and break into the kiosk, for fuck's sake!

Go!

Fire!

You're a bastard!

You're a bastard.

All right, listen up.

Stop!

Douglas, go!

All right my lads, here we go

thanks, Doug.

Go, go, go.

Go, go, go, go, go!

Good.

Very nice.

All right, my lads.

If we're all ready.

Donald, you stupid fucking prick!

I meant saw the door off.

Christ almighty.

What a wanker!

- Sorry, sarge.

- Right, my lads.

Now, the three main things to remember here

are vigilance, caution and accuracy.

What are vigilance, caution and accuracy the three main?

Things to remember.

- Right, my lads.

You all got tickets?

Yeah!

- Right, then.

Into the lift.

Dinsdale.

Open the fucking doors!

They're jammed on the inside sarge.

- He says they're jammed on the inside.

All right, my lads!

You bastards!

You callous, brutal bastards!

He was the best man at my wedding.

- He's dead now, sarge.

- I know he's dead now, Douglas!

I can spot a fucking stiff when it falls out of a lift.

Christ ai-fucking-mighty!

Right, let's go.

Go, go, go, go.

Go, in the lift.

Go, go, up!

All right.

The ram.

Go!

Push them all.

Push them in the fucking lift!

Keep pushing, Douglas.

Push them in Douglas.

Do what I'm telling you.

- Tinkerbell's floral wonderland.

Daryl, Damien, get Princess Wendy

get her, come on.

- There she is.

Got her, sarge.

- The fate of the world is at stake.

Use subtlety and discretion wherever possible.

Leave him alone.

Think it through my boys.

All right my sons.

So that's theirs

that's George vi.

That's,

that's archduke ferdinand.

That's Desmond.

That's ours.

And that's haile selassie.

- No, that's denzil, sarge.

- Oh, yeah, so it is.

He's had his hair cut!

Right.

How many does that make?

- We lost 11 men but the dummies lost 28!

- And what about lacrobat?

- I didn't see him.

- I don't think he was here, was he, lads?

- Didn't see him nowhere, sarge.

- Me too.

- He must have been somewhere else.

- You fucking bunch of dickheads!

You mean to say

we lost 11 men, fighting a group of waxworks?

I don't fucking believe it!

Anyway, the main thing is, we got her out safely,

before he had a chance to...

- It's a wax dummy.

- Yes, I can see that, Dominic.

I didn't think it was a seven-foot-long bogey.

- Oh, denzil's had his hair cut.

- Yes.

- Here sarge,

I think we're picking up something on the bomb detector.

- Don't move anybody

everybody absolutely still.

Get the bomb-disposal guys.

Right.

We have got nine minutes!

Right.

Donald and Darryl, get her outside to the Van.

Quick.

Douglas, stick their heads in a sack

and get them posted back to their widows.

And get the addresses right this time.

And somebody get all this mess cleared up.

- I think she's ok, Darryl.

I think she's coming round now.

Darryl?

What the fuck are you?

- Donald, if I've told you about that fucking thing once,

I've told you a thousand fucking times!

- All finished, sarge.

- There we go.

- One for you. - Thank you sir.

- One for you.

And what about you, little girl?

Would you like one of these to keep off

that nasty old mushroom cloud?

Yes, of course you would.

You promise to vote conservative when you grow up?

- Yes.

- Good little girl.

Now, then, let's see.

How did you vote last time?

Liberal party.

Oh, dear, what a shame.

Never mind, never mind, never mind.

These look like a nice conservative family.

Good morning to you all.

Just take one of those.

What you do is stick it up, sit underneath,

and then you'll be as right as ninepence.

All right?

Now, some more over here, aren't there?

Yes, this is veryjolly, isn't it?

Hello, good morning.

Got your umbrellas for you.

Very simple to use.

Just stick it up in the air, and.

Aren't these lovely little things?

So simple, yet so effective.

- Well, where in hell is he?

I don't care.

Put me through!

- Understood.

Aye-aye, sir.

- She's safe, prime minister!

They found herjust a few minutes ago.

She's alive and safe.

You can call off the nuclear attack.

I'm sorry.

- Sir Mortimer.

Did you hear me?

- It's no good.

I, I can't.

I can't hear a thing.

- Yes, I'll have to hang up.

- Switch me through to the commander of the task force

in Santa Maya.

Christ almighty!

Hold everything!

Do you hear me?

This is president Adams speaking from air force one.

We have found Princess Wendy.

Do not fire the missile.

Do you hear me?

The crisis is over.

- Sir, what do we do?

What do I tell them, sir?

Sir, what do I tell them?

- Fire!

J' just when you thought j“

j' you were having fun j“

j' just when your song got to number one j'

j' just when your girl said, you're my man j'

I and you said, wow j'

j' I'm having a great time j'

j' hold me tight, time is precious j'

j' love and success are both infectious j'

j' for crying out loud, did something hit us j'

j“ I think they're out to get us j'

j' whoops apocalypse j“

j” the light's still on and the fire's still burning j”

j” the paint's still wet and you're still waiting I

j' guess the times are really changing j'

I and you say, what on earth is happening j'

j“ I forgot the umbrella j'

I that kept me warm and gave me shelter j'

j' so why don't I feel much better j'

j“ this dream becomes a nightmare j'

j' whoops apocalypse j“

J“ now the flame is hypnotic j'

j” the beat becomes metronomic j'

j' the politics are schizophrenic j'

I so why am I optimistic j'

j“ do I really have to be here I

j' the Princess smiles she's got her answer I

j' puts her head upon my shoulder j“

j“ and from now on things will be better j'

j' whoops apocalypse j“

J' whoops j'